I am afraid of my fiance falling out of love with me. I have nightmares pretty often where she seems disinterested in whatever we are doing and then confesses she doesn't love me anymore. We've been together for five years, will be married next year, and she's never given me even the slightest reason to doubt the significance of our relationship. But sometimes I'll imagine what would happen to my life if she suddenly felt differently. What if she told me one day she doesn't find me attractive? What if she thinks I'm holding her back? What if she doesn't want to be with me? What if she just doesn't need me anymore? What if her drifting away has already started and I won't know until she's been faking it for months? What then?
It would be the end of my life as I know it. I don't ever want to go through that. I don't ever want to unwind myself from the central structure of my existence.
It's not the fear of starting over or being alone - it's just knowing that I have exactly everything I've ever wanted in my life. I want her to always feel the same. Until we are both skeletons, I want her to always be happy to be with me. The fear she isn't, or someday won't be, is my greatest and most intoxicating fear.
When I'm in crowded places, I routinely touch my back pocket to make sure my wallet is still there. I feel like I do the same thing with my relationship. I make sure I haven't lost her. I make sure she's still there.
But on a lighter note, I'm afraid of losing my GAF account. This website has replaced all social media for me and I am virtually always on the board. GAF has gotten me through some extremely difficult times where I wouldn't have had anything else to do or anywhere else to go. I've become a different person with much more carefully thought out beliefs and ideas because of the interactions I've had here. With all its problems and all its absurdity, I am a true patriot of this place and never want to be turned away from it. I'd be a man without a country.
The other side of that is that I don't want this place to ever fall apart. GAF has made it this far with careful moderation and a strong mission statement, but there have been people I liked who were driven out for various reasons. GAF can definitely get better at certain things and the community can improve in certain ways - it's not a perfect place. But there's nothing else like this forum that I've found and I don't want it to lose its identity. As websites like Twitter fall to the bots and trolls and reddit overlaps further and further with white supremacy, NeoGAF remains a bastion of decency. I would take my worst days on GAF over my best days on any other site. I think a forum like this is extremely valuable in the world we currently live in.
I'm determined to stay here and watch the forum grow. Missing out on that would be very upsetting. Everyone needs a hangout. With my schedule, and my life, this place is mine.
