I think I'm fortunate in that I don't have any really genuine "worst" sex, or stanky cooch stories, but I think some of the more unpleasant sex for me was when me and my then girlfriend's (now my wife) first sex together.
Neither of us were virgins, but it had literally been years since I had had sex. I was terrified that I would cum too quickly, or that I wouldn't be big enough, or what have you.
So, I'm at her apartment, just hanging out, a years worth of long distance back and forth sexual tension filling the apartment; and her roommate is still there, having a jolly good time chatting us up. I think we must have given off the "will you please fucking leave" vibe, because she conned on, and finally left to go visit her boyfriend.
Finally, we were alone, as her other roommate was at work for the night. We start making out, then comes the heavy petting, and she asks me if I had condoms. Fortunately, I had suspicions that tonight was going to be my lucky night, so I did, in fact, bring condoms with me.
We take it to the bedroom, and I'm as hard a rock. She starts to go down on me, and I'm really into it. The condom goes on, and I fucking soften up like a noodle. "What the fuck?" I'm thinking. I was totally rock hard a moment ago, but then the melty man showed up, and anxiety started to set in.
She starts to get anxious as well, worried that maybe I'm just not into her. After a long, long time of coaxing, my fears start to abate, and I finally get going. For three hours. This isn't a brag, as neither me or my wife like marathon sessions, because, truth told, after a while that shit starts to feel really uncomfortable.
I never came (the second worst part of the night). Condoms suck for me when it comes to sensation and feeling. It just doesn't feel good fucking with a condom for me. We only stopped that night because we both kind of collapsed from exhaustion.
This happened a few more times during that early dating period (minus the noodle dick: after the first time, and I realized I wasn't too small, or going to cum too quick, that anxiety left me, and I was always able and ready). Eventually, we ditched the condoms all together, and started fucking natural. I came like a champion, and it's been that way ever since. And, yeah, I married her. Sex is incredible, but those first time where I couldn't get it up, and the 3 hour marathons sessions due to crappy condoms we joke about every once in a while.
Sorry I don't have any period blood or stanky vag stories.
Also, I wanted to comment that, yes, sex in the shower or water is just a terrible, terrible idea. Water is "wet" but it's not "slippery." It's pretty painful trying to fuck with water as your lube. It's a Hollywood fantasy. Even if you get going, the water washes away any natural lubricant she may be producing. Just remembering those times makes me wince.
