• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

When does sexual incompatibility become a deal breaker in a good relationship?

Status
Not open for further replies.
C

Caipirinha

Member
Alright GAF, none of my friends have been able to help much with this conundrum so let me see what you got.

I'm 27, been with my gf, also 27, for 3 years. Great relationship, lots of ups, few downs, very loving and always imaged myself marrying her and having a family with her.

However lately I've noticed my sexual desire for her has hit zero. That is despite her being gorgeous and me being a complete and utter sex addict.

I just feel no excitement to have sex with her.

Do you know what I mean when I say some people can seemingly have no sexual impulse or personality of their own, they just go with your flow? She's like that. She will never initiate, and even worse (for me) she seems to have nothing that particularly turns her on or that she wants to try.

At no point will she be like "omg I love [insert act] can you do it for me?" "please do [inset act]" etc. etc. she will simply wait for me to initiate everything. She will enjoy it, sure, but I feel like I get no excitement or surprise from the experience.

I'm sexing her, she is being sexed...

A made a thread a few months back about asking her to do the mojoupgrade questionnaire, which gives each couple a long list of sexual activities starting vanilla and ramping up and at the end you see only those activities that you both showed an interest in. I ticked basically the whole thing, she ticked about 5 things... Amongst those 5 we're talking about things like kissing and cuddling. She didn't even tick relatively vanilla things like mirrors and spanking.

It's slowly worn on me more and more. Each time I hear a friend describe some wild off the hook sex he/she had my heart sinks further and further because sex is very important to me and I pride myself in my ability to give people what they want in the bedroom, as I really love seeing people in pleasure. But when you're with someone who doesn't seem to particularly want anything, it completely removes the fun.

I know GAF will immediately spam me with 100x "just talk to her" and yes I am going to talk to her but before I do I want some perspective on all this. I've tried subtle hints but to no success. Has anyone been through similar and had a solution that doesn't involve breaking up and finding someone else? Because other than this the relationship is great, but sex is a huge part of life for me so I feel like something massive is missing.

tl;dr: 3 year relationship, both 27, she brings nothing to sex and it's driving me mad
 
H

Horse Detective

Why the long case?
If talking doesn't bring a solution, your hand is sort of forced.

Unless you are okay with living that way?

I wouldn't be, that sounds boring. But yeah, talk to her. If that doesn't work, go find what you are looking for!
 
T

Tagyhag

Member
It's inevitable, no matter how nice the relationship is unless you're both asexual.

Either you'll look for someone else or she will.
 
B

Bass260

Member
It's a legitimate issue. Talk to her first and see what's up. If you love this girl you'll understand that she has a lower sex drive than you. If you're not satisfied than leave.
 
E

Ezalc

Member
I haven't been in this situation, but you're both 27 and while you said you were going to talk to her so do that. You're both adults, just sit down and have an open and honest dialogue.

Aside from that, has your sex drive decreased? Are you feeling frustrated by this that you feel it could lead to thoughts of infidelity? If not then would you just be able to put up with not having satisfying sex? You have to see how this is affecting your happiness and disposition. If it's having such a big impact, then it's an important matter to deliberate over int he case of either seeing if an open relationship is possible or even just ending things. Because while you can put up with it now, this is an aspect that will probably only worsen as you get older.
 
1

16BitNova

Member
Yeah dude, talk with her about it. Simply bring up the fact that you feel she isn't interested or enthusiastic about engaging in anything sexual. Which in turn makes you feel like not wanting to engage in it as well.

Ask if it's something your doing wrong or could do better? Or if she is just not attracted to you in that way much anymore? (I doubt that's it, but if it is, then its time for a more serious talk).
 
F

FloatingDivider

Member
Do you want me to draw a hypothetical line in the sand so you can self-justify breaking up? Look, if you're sure it's never going to work out sexually and you value an active engaging sexual relationship it might be a deal breaker and you should rationally evaluate that scenario. But it seems like having an open and honest discussion about this shit might be the best thing. This is something two people old enough to be sexing with eachother can talk about.
 
J

John Kowalski

Banned
If your relationship isn't working it isn't working and seeking respite in doing what is common for others to do in your place won't help your particular situation. Communication is the key to understanding where you both stand, uniquely from all advice we can give.
 
A

aHebrewMenagerie

Member
In a reversed version of scenario of OP, and it sucks. We've been going out for a little over a year and she was a sexual deviant for most of that period except for the past couple months when that drive has hit zero.

It's not worth breaking up over, but damn is it frustrating.

Guess good ole' Jill is here to keep me company.


EDIT: Welp, I misread the OP. Seems we're in exactly the same position. We dating the same woman, OP?
 
Iorv3th

Iorv3th

Member
Talk to her but it's probably not going to end well. You won't be happy. She probably just has a very low sex drive.


Unless it's the opposite of most cases. For me GF and I where very intimate...and then after marriage it's pretty much dried up. Maybe yours will become more sexual after you marry her?


Try it for science.
 
Y

Your Entertainer

Member
Iorv3th said:
Talk to her but it's probably not going to end well. You won't be happy. She probably just has a very low sex drive.


Unless it's the opposite of most cases. For me GF and I where very intimate...and then after marriage it's pretty much dried up. Maybe yours will become more sexual after you marry her?


Try it for science.
Click to expand...

Curious as to how common that is...
 
M

Messofanego

Banned
Does she have a conservative or religious background? Could be she just hasn't tried anything else so doesn't know what gets her motor going. What have you experimented, and how has she reacted?
 
W

Weckum

Member
I've been in the same position. She was gorgeous, but there was no spark in the bedroom. She was too shy to tell me about stuff she wanted to do and she had no idea what she wanted to do , I always had to initiate. That wore on me, despite talking about it several times. She said she'd work on it, and it would be good for 1-2 weeks and then it would be gona again.

in the end I broke up with her. Of course, shortly after that she told me about all the stuff she wanted to do and went around fucking a couple of different dudes in the most insane ways, partially to get me back and get back at me.

Sometimes it's just not meant to be on a sexual level.

It comes down to this: if you are gonna stay with her, are you willing to risk having this kind of sex for the rest of your life?
 
I

Iriscomeback

Member
Yeah... I know what you mean....

Problem is, you can't force her to do anything. Some people just don't find sex that important, or think about it at all like you and me do.

I suggest you keep trying (gently) to get her interested in different stuff. Maybe start slowly with simple things? Maybe ask her if she wants to try anything at all?

There is also a chance this will never change, so try to be prepared for that....
 
C

Caipirinha

Member
Messofanego said:
Does she have a conservative or religious background? Could be she just hasn't tried anything else so doesn't know what gets her motor going. What have you experimented, and how has she reacted?
Click to expand...

Conservative yes.

She has given me a blowjob once, never again, even though she claimed it was fun. I have teased her whenever it comes up somewhere that guys love blowjobs and she laughs and winks but it never materialises during sex.

We have tried anal once, she didn't find it panful but didn't enjoy it either.

It's not so much that I want to do specific things, i just want her to have her own sexual desires/fantasies/fetishes and for me to be able to indulge them for her.
 
A

akira28

Member
please with the "subtle hints"
if you love her, or if you're afraid of her reaction or the answer, either way you're coming to a wall you can't avoid. you will have to act. either you can jump over it, crash into it, crash through it, turn around, stop at it, throw dynamite at it, file a statement of intent with the city and hire a contractor to tear it down for you, get out of the car and curse at...

just talk to her. please? tell her what your afraid of. be vulnerable to her instead of gaf, you mewling kitten. she may want to actually do something about it, instead of filling out weird websites with personal information and secret fantasies. get drunk, get naked, lay down in the dark, and talk.
 
D

doby

Member
It just sounds like she has a lower sex drive than you and you've slowly come to realise this to the point of resentment.

From what you say she sounds quite content with you and your sex life so you're the only one with the problem here, not that that's necessarily a bad thing.

There's no quick fix for this, no magical switch you can flip to make her more sexually active, she is who she is and you either need to accept this or go your separate ways and find someone else.
 
D

DiipuSurotu

Banned
aHebrewMenagerie said:
In a reversed version of scenario of OP, and it sucks. We've been going out for a little over a year and she was a sexual deviant for most of that period except for the past couple months when that drive has hit zero.

It's not worth breaking up over, but damn is it frustrating.

Guess good ole' Jill is here to keep me company.


EDIT: Welp, I misread the OP. Seems we're in exactly the same position. We dating the same woman, OP?
Click to expand...

Well that's not the same scenario as the OP.
 
C

Caipirinha

Member
Weckum said:
I've been in the same position. She was gorgeous, but there was no spark in the bedroom. She was too shy to tell me about stuff she wanted to do and she had no idea what she wanted to do , I always had to initiate. That wore on me, despite talking about it several times. She said she'd work on it, and it would be good for 1-2 weeks and then it would be gona again.

in the end I broke up with her. Of course, shortly after that she told me about all the stuff she wanted to do and went around fucking a couple of different dudes in the most insane ways, partially to get me back and get back at me.

Sometimes it's just not meant to be on a sexual level.

It comes down to this: if you are gonna stay with her, are you willing to risk having this kind of sex for the rest of your life?
Click to expand...

Tbh no, it would drive me to misery.

Your story, I think, is quite a common one. Timing is everything...
 
theDeeDubs

theDeeDubs

Member
You can talk all you want, but it won't make someone suddenly change how they are. It's one of those things you might want to decide on if you can live with long term or not because it will probably get worse as she gets older.

Your Entertainer said:
Curious as to how common that is...
Click to expand...
Anecdotally 100% :)
:(
 
C

Caipirinha

Member
akira28 said:
breaks are really hard to heal. are you this afraid of just facing it with her?
Click to expand...

I think that it will be very difficult for me to tell her that I'm not happy with our sex life because she doesn't have enough of her own desires, without it making things worse.

Much as the above poster's experience, I think it often leads to people 1) reflecting on that and making progress on it in their own mind but 2) feeling uncomfortable being seen to change their sexual personality at the request of their partner and 3) end up breaking up and having all that great sex with someone else.
 
A

Acinixys

Member
Caipirinha said:
Conservative yes.

She has given me a blowjob once, never again, even though she claimed it was fun. I have teased her whenever it comes up somewhere that guys love blowjobs and she laughs and winks but it never materialises during sex.

We have tried anal once, she didn't find it panful but didn't enjoy it either.

It's not so much that I want to do specific things, i just want her to have her own sexual desires/fantasies/fetishes and for me to be able to indulge them for her.
Click to expand...

Youre sitting on a 10/10 for sex and shes a 2/10

If its bothering you so much that your posting here about it you should 1) Talk to her and 2) Leave her and find someone that is sexually compatible with you if she cant/wont change

Life is short. Theres no reason to be unhappy.
 
B

Booser

Member
I had a four year relationship break up partly because of this. I lost all sexual desire for her while she still wanted sex. It can be important.

My latest ex was boring as hell in bed and didn't seem to enjoy anything. She was also selfish as fuck. That aspect wasn't a problem but it could have been in the future.
 
S

someday

Banned
Caipirinha said:
Possibly the first, definitely one of the first.
Click to expand...

I find it a little odd that you don't know the answer to this. Not necessarily knowing exactly how many but knowing whether she was a virgin when you got together. It just seems like something a couple would talk about.
 
D

Dicer

Banned
Bail, it's simple and solid advice... If she's not willing to initiate now or experiment its not going to get better.


Sorry OP, just being honest
 
C

Caipirinha

Member
someday said:
I find it a little odd that you don't know the answer to this. Not necessarily knowing exactly how many but knowing whether she was a virgin when you got together. It just seems like something a couple would talk about.
Click to expand...

I don't ask girls to tell me their sexual history, if it comes up it comes up. I think she is slightly shy in her lack of experience and so she is vague when she talks about it and I don't pry.
 
G

gaiages

Banned
Caipirinha said:
A couple friends have suggested asking for a break, thoughts on this?
Click to expand...

You might wanna try a serious talk before a break, at least. If she's not receptive to your wants and needs, or doesn't make a serious effort in changing and accommodating you (it's not going to just happen overnight) then maybe a break is best.
 
K

K.Jack

Knowledge is power, guard it well
Caipirinha said:
A couple friends have suggested asking for a break, thoughts on this?
Click to expand...

Yep, you should break up without even talking with her about the issue. Your friends hit a home run with that advice.

You want her to be more open, when you seem just as afraid of the convo as she is.

Stop being a scaredy cat and have the convo.
 
C

ClosingADoor

Member
Open up to her about it and hopefully she does the same. Sounds like she doesn't really know what she likes, so you two should figure that out. Try to have an honest conversation about it and tell her about your worries. If you trust each other, she'll do the same and you can go from there.

If you can't, you should probably break it off and find someone who is more in tune with what you want.
 
A

akira28

Member
Caipirinha said:
I think that it will be very difficult for me to tell her that I'm not happy with our sex life because she doesn't have enough of her own desires, without it making things worse.

Much as the above poster's experience, I think it often leads to people 1) reflecting on that and making progress on it in their own mind but 2) feeling uncomfortable being seen to change their sexual personality at the request of their partner and 3) end up breaking up and having all that great sex with someone else.
Click to expand...

well that's like the worst way to frame it anyway. pause a bit and work on that.

"please change for me, your sex partner, at my request." no.

"i'm awakening into a journey and i'm going to take you with me my love" except you say it in braile, with your lips, on her vagina.

i pm'd op my serious answer.
 
A

Austriacus

Member
Caipirinha said:
I think that it will be very difficult for me to tell her that I'm not happy with our sex life because she doesn't have enough of her own desires, without it making things worse.

Much as the above poster's experience, I think it often leads to people 1) reflecting on that and making progress on it in their own mind but 2) feeling uncomfortable being seen to change their sexual personality at the request of their partner and 3) end up breaking up and having all that great sex with someone else.
Click to expand...

Op you should be honest here and just tell us you wana break up with her.

What exactly do you think taking a break without talking about your issues solve.

You really dont sound like you really wana try here
 
S

someday

Banned
Caipirinha said:
I don't ask girls to tell me their sexual history, if it comes up it comes up. I think she is slightly shy in her lack of experience and so she is vague when she talks about it and I don't pry.
Click to expand...
Great response. I just think that being able to talk about sex with your partner is important. If you can't even discuss it, it might be kind of a sign that doing it will be strained. I agree that you don't need to grill her about prior lovers but knowing if there were any should be ok.
 
C

Caipirinha

Member
akira28 said:
well that's like the worst way to frame it anyway. pause a bit and work on that.

"please change for me, your sex partner, at my request." no.

"i'm awakening into a journey and i'm going to take you with me my love" except you say it in braile, with your lips, on her vagina.
Click to expand...

I've been with her for three years, believe me I have tried, I put a lot of effort into sex, including everything leading up to it. I take a lot of pride in trying to understand sexual mindset of the girl I'm with an helping her indulge it.

Every time I've done that in this relationship I've found nothing inside.

"i'm awakening into a journey and i'm going to take you with me my love" except you say it in braile, with your lips, on her vagina.

These are words that would make most girls show some sign of interest and anticipation, when I talk like that to my girlfriend she just smiles politely.

I absolutely will discuss this with her more directly but I have experience myself, I know that some people need time and encouragement to open up, I've done that before, I've never had this situation before where I feel like I'm putting my hand into a box and finding nothing hidden inside.
 
A

akira28

Member
op might be thinking it will be easier with someone else. but he's reluctant because she's such a great "catch".

not the best way to think about it, but I guess that's also animal on some level...could be right. plenty of fish in the see and all those things people say.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

When does losing a pet get easier?
2
79
3K
Blade2.0 replied
Vince McMahon / Brock Lesner Accused of Sex Trafficking and other weird shit
2 3
149
15K
Grildon Tundy replied
The Thought of Being in a Relationship Gives Me Anxiety
Social Opinion 2
83
5K
Bojji replied
Mother in laws and how to stop them?
2 3
100
5K
ThatStupidLion replied
How do you deal with long term break ups?
2 3
102
5K
Woggleman replied
Top Bottom