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Neogaf Creative Writing Challenge 200: Halloween

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F

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
29c639508b11c2ea798850c1e844fd54.jpg
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Theme: Halloween

Word limit: 2,300 words

Submission deadline: October 28th by 11:59 pm Pacific time

Voting Deadline: October 31st by 11:59 pm Pacific time

Optional Secondary Objective: Spirit of the holidays

Take this as a challenge to be sweet. Every holiday means something for everyone, and this one happens to be the most special for me. And not just because I like spooky things! There is a lot I love about this time of year from driving down and seeing all the creative decorations on people's houses, to handing out candy and seeing which kids are scared and which ones are brave, to just fond memories of hanging out with friends by the river afterwards. You can be scary if you want(that's certainly in the spirit too), but there's a lot of different emotions that can be found in this time of year if you go ahead and look for it.

Submission Guidelines:

- One entry per poster.
- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged.
- Keep to the word count!

Voting Guidelines:

- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge.
- When voting ends, the winner gets a collective pat on the back, and starts the new challenge.

Important side note: A lot of our regulars like to write out short critiques/comments for the stories, but you can always opt out by simply adding a note like "I'd prefer no critiques" in the post where you submit your story. We're an understanding group and respect that not everyone wants comments on their work. Above all, we just want to read your story.

NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge FAQ
Previous Challenge Threads and Themes
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Sorry folks. Did read all the stories, just forgot to vote.

If you've ever had one of those periods in your life where you're literally working, sleeping, or doing something or other that you begin to crave for nothing to do for a morning or two, then you'll know what I mean.
 
N

Nezumi

Member
FlowersisBritish said:
Happy birthday? Nezumi??

Is anyone else a little weirded out Cyan knows everybody's birthdays??
Click to expand...

Thanks!

I guess I can take care of the Hangout. I might not stick around till the end though. Had a full house today and been up cooking and what not since 6:30.
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Writing hangout in about half an hour. Standard quick recap: it's on Google Hangouts, and the format is ten minutes of chat, then thirty minutes of writing with mics muted, repeated until we've gone for two hours. Webcams aren't required, though several of us will have them. Mics are recommended but also not required, as you can use the text chat.

The hangout link is (quote to see):
 
N

Nezumi

Member
I'm having trouble getting into the hangout. Whenever I hit join it tells me it closed because of "an error". Nothing more. Anyone else having trouble, too
or even trying for that matter?
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Still no luck here. Not sure whether it is a problem with hangouts or with my computer. I also might have accidentally called a couple of you guys when I went into a rage-induced-clicking-frenzy in my attempt to fix this... sorry.

Edit: I give up. Neither restarting and updating, installing and using chrome nor dissconnecting my camera worked.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Sorry I should've warned you that might happen since the same thing happened to me earlier on another hangout. :/ I think we might just need to make a new hangout with a new link going forward or something? (Also I'm going to look into alternatives to Google Hangouts because they are seriously getting irritating to deal with.)
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Well, at least I now know that it wasn't a problem with my computer after all. And I agree that apparently hangouts is doing their best to make every change for the worse.
 
F

Freeza Under The Shower

Member
You know, I realized today that after two weeks I still haven't written dick.

This bodes well.

Do you read Sutter Cane?

also kicking for possible late entries, being the 200th and all
 
F

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
If it makes you feel better, my original story for the challenge is great, but also at 5,600ish words, and I (as of twenty minutes ago) finally came up with an idea for a backup story. So never too late!
 
A

Ashes

Banned
It's magic J.D.

entry.jpg


I'll collect entries in about an hour. But like I said last week, we tend to like reading round these parts ya know, so if your name rhymes with rezumi, please feel free to enter.
 
N

Nezumi

Member
I don't have anything (aside from a massive hangover). I have been sitting here with my notebook and literally the only things I have written in the last hour are "Halloween" and "Something, something costume"...
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Collecting the entries is soooo easy now. Takes about three seconds. Copy thread link. Then copy the output post back. Typing this post out took longer.
We should have done this ages back.
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
  • Tangent: Has anyone read a book called Bad Monkeys? It’s a bit out there in a lot of ways, one of which is the fact that the organization central to the book has a department called Scary Clowns whose job is to go out and be creepy to keep people indoors while the organization needed to operate covertly or something like that. A deeply weird book.
  • Mike M: I had nothing by last Saturday, which is highly unusual for me, so I just decided to write about our trip to the pumpkin patch while we were in the middle of our trip to the pumpkin patch and started making mental notes to bang out later. Made a quick edit pass before posting it, but mostly this is pretty raw.
  • FlowersisBritish: The overabundance of emphasis in the dialogue stuck out so much that at first I thought it was a secret message, but gave up after discovering “hate foul, haunted not downstairs, getting ready with Ashley?” didn’t make a lot of sense. Reading it aloud in my head and having people stress or shout those words had a really unnatural cadence to me in most (but not all) instances. “I don’t understand why she is so insistent on it,” is a declarative statement, “I don’t understand, why is she so insistent on it?” is a question. I can kiiiiiinda see someone saying it like a question, but a simple rewording would have taken care of the problem. “Me and Ashley are going” rather than “Ashley and I are going” stood out to me as being somewhat contrary to the rest of Gregor’s speaking patterns, given that he was otherwise fairly formal and almost antiquated in his dialogue. I get that you were playing up the contrast between him and the mundanity of the real world, but that was a little undermined by some random neighbor having a box full of gold coins who knows how to summon demons and shit, as it dilutes his otherworldliness. For what minor part the demon played in the story, I don’t think it was worth the tradeoff. Also, I have no idea WTF Gregor is supposed to be. He kind of seemed liked he was supposed to be a vampire, but then he’s walking around with a cross that functions as a wooden stake? Some kind of demon/monster slayer that goes around in a cloak and emits an aura of grave evil to everyone he meets?
  • Sober: Isn’t Ultraman a bit obscure for a costume that kids would be wearing anytime in the past, oh, say, 30 years or more? And how does one shout under their breath? I thought the banter between the kids read pretty well, though the pacing felt a bit off with how much lead up there was to even having the notion of getting revenge on the older kids, only for the whole thing to wrap up in the following two pages. It was like a heist or caper story, only introducing all the members of the team took 3/4ths of the length and we skipped over the planning and preparation and everything went off exactly as planned instead of going completely sideways and necessitating improvisation of some sort. There’s just not a lot happening until they get to the supposedly haunted house.
  • Cyan: I assumed that Leon was the prince almost from the jump, probably owing to the fact that he was dressed as an animal commonly referred to as the King of the Jungle. Even though lions live in the savannah. You’ve got an inciting incident here, but where’s the rest of the story?
  • John Dunbar: Man, absurdism is a hard thing to get right. I went through this wondering where it was going and what the payoff would be, but the punchline kept me hanging. One of those things that probably would have translated better to a sketch or something, as there’s a lot here that seems like it would just be easier to get across visually.
  • Ashes: Really could have used some line breaks between paragraphs or indentations, this was a bit difficult to read. As always, you excel in the naturalism of your dialogue, and did well at capturing the meandering train of thought real people engage in. When I got to the part about them going back to their friend’s house at two in the morning, I thought we were seeing the seemingly disparate threads of the narrator’s anecdotes weave together, but I don’t know if it ever really did. We got a tease of something spooky might have happened, but really it was just another meaningless thing among countless other meaningless things that occur to everyone everyday. Which may have been the point, in a way, I guess.
  • mu cephei: I know plenty of people who would argue to the death that a proper campsite indeed does not have facilities such as electricity and water. Of course those same people don’t go out in camper vans/RV, instead preferring to “rough it” like primitive barbarians or something. I read this multiple times, and I while I get a creepy vibe from the events, for the life of me I can’t work out what’s actually happening.


Votes:
1. Ashes
2. mu cephei
3. Cyan
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Votes:
1. John Dunbar - "The Volkswagen Whisperer"
2. FlowersisBritish - "A Halloween Carol"
3. Sober - "In The Search For Candy"


Just as a quick note on mine, the two characters here are important secondary characters in my NaNo. I tried to give the scene some sense of ending despite being part of a larger story, but I don't know how well that succeeded. :p
 
M

mu cephei

Member
1. Cyan
2. John Dunbar
3. FlowersisBritish

Tangent - Scare Support: I wish this had been longer, the idea was funny.

Mike M - Swans Trail: I enjoyed this a lot. I never really noticed before how huge Halloween is in the US. Other than the apple trees, this didn’t appear to have a thread to tie it together.

FlowersisBritish - A Halloween Carol: “I had to make some cuts, but I don't think they were that noticeable.” Lol. Gregor’s attempts to get up to mischief were fun.

Sober - In The Search For Candy: I loved all the discussion about sweets! I found it impossible to believe a bunch of 12 year olds would scare a couple of 16 year olds by jumping out of bushes and going ‘boo’ though.

Cyan - Garden Party: This hit the spot for me. I loved it.

John Dunbar - The Volkswagen Whisperer: I like the way you write. This didn’t completely work for me, but it made me wiki absurdist literature and think about other stuff I’ve read, and I appreciate that :)

Ashes - The Dialogue: Interesting peek into another convincing life. I expect I missed most of what you were getting at, but I enjoyed it.

Cyan said:
Just as a quick note on mine, the two characters here are important secondary characters in my NaNo. I tried to give the scene some sense of ending despite being part of a larger story, but I don't know how well that succeeded. :p
Click to expand...

I was really hoping this was set in your NaNo world, I'm really glad that it is (so one day I might get to read more of it).
 
F

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
Tangent Hehehe, I love the concept of this. I always love "evil" organizations getting together and accidently giving each other support. This was charming and funny in all the ways that really resonate with me.

Mike M Oh snap your website! I've always liked your more nonfictiony writings. I feel like your writing style is particularly suited to it since you are very descriptive and I think you have a fairly funny snark to give the going ons of daily life a certain entertaining flare.

Sober Your dialogue here felt really good, and it carried the story through the lull in the middle. Really enjoyed it once we got to scaring those teenagers(Side note: What tremendous dicks refusing to go in there to help the kids friends? Yeah I know, prank, but there was a kid in trouble.) Really though, your ending where kids were exchanging candy and going "The hell is this?" felt the most like Halloween of all the stories for me.

Cyan They seem like fun, and I am glad to see your Nano world. Looks interesting, and I think I'd like to read more of it, for what that's worth. Though I don't fully grasp the mechanics magic system you have in place. I like the bit with the lion mask, but I got lost in the workings when she actually tried to kill the guy.

John Dunbar This got a few chuckles out of me, the biggest laugh coming from the fat kid joke. A good element of humor is the reaction within it, and I thought you're MC's reactions to his lawyer being terrible were when your story was at its funniest.

Ashes I hate it when you write like this because at my heart, I'm a gullible fool, and I never know if I read too much into your stuff or if there's going to be a laugh at me if I do. I get that guy, the guy who thought a patient was possessed. Not for any particularly dark reason, just a little easier, a little less sad.

Mu Cephei When Mike was referring to assholes who said that, he was referring to me. I am one of those assholes. Dialogue felt natural, but I can't bring myself to care about people that go camping wrong. I just can't.

Votes
1. Sober
2. Cyan
3. Ashes
HM: Tangent
 
T

Tangent

Member
1. mu cephei -- this was very spooky and exciting, in a Martian Chronicles sort of way

2. Ashes -- you had a very ashes-style to this story, and it worked well for the prompt and the topic

3. John Dunbar -- Jeez that guy is so fucking old-fashioned that it made me uncomfortable, simply by seeing a female mechanic. Next, he'll freak out when he meets a male educator or something. Anyway, though, great story. I think there were a lot of other potential directions too, and I didn't see it going in the direction it did. Not to say I didn't like your story progression choices, just saying!

hm. cyan -- I'm really looking forward to these characters in NaNo! They seem so fleshed out and personal to you already, so it should be an easy month of writing! I liked these characters a lot and my vote would have been higher except the opening seemed a little slow in the beginning....but perfect for a longer piece like a novel!

Flowers -- I liked the interaction between the characters, and the use of dialog

Mike M -- I liked how this story was so different than your usual entries, and it felt very
personal. I like it when you write about your own experiences, I think it suits your writing style well.

Sober -- parts of your story seemed so familiar to me! i liked the interaction between the kids
 
A

Ashes

Banned
So considering we don't have to announce the winner for a while, I am guessing we can give one last day for votes. :)
 
A

Ashes

Banned
FlowersisBritish said:
Ashes I hate it when you write like this because at my heart, I'm a gullible fool, and I never know if I read too much into your stuff or if there's going to be a laugh at me if I do.
Click to expand...

The story is fiction. No ifs. No buts.

A little bit of cynicism harms no-one, but lets not get carried away. This isn't a 'the lady doth protests too much.'

There might be unethical authors and editors out there who want to pass off my stories or stories like mine, as the real thing, but I call that a hoax.

I'd describe you as very empathetic rather than your own choice words. To be frank, I'd rather be in your seat, than in mine. All I see is two actors acting on stage.
 
F

Freeza Under The Shower

Member
Well, don't wait up for me, kids. I've been scared off!
so much shame

also, Mike has his own site now. Spooky. (neat)
Not a fan of the two-column layout on that story though. Reading on a monitor is different from reading a book somehow.
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Freeza Under The Shower said:
Well, don't wait up for me, kids. I've been scared off!
so much shame

also, Mike has his own site now. Spooky. (neat)
Not a fan of the two-column layout on that story though. Reading on a monitor is different from reading a book somehow.
Click to expand...

I've had it for a while, I just don't make much use of it.
 
F

Freeza Under The Shower

Member
Mike M said:
I've had it for a while, I just don't make much use of it.
Click to expand...

Also Superdickery. :)

Anyway, read some stuff anyway:

Tangent - "or maybe you can get a job! Clown!" Very topical.

Mike M - but what about lemons? Also: "Ruf!" That said, this felt a bit more like an exercise in descriptions than increasing pacing. Which was sort of frustrating for me as an impatient man, but I tell you were being deliberate about slowing things down. Seems fitting considering the election.

Flowers - oh no, the cuttening. Oh, the daemonity! Anyway, that was fun, but the emphasis was a bit overzealous in the sense that characters other than Gregor also got to use it. Would probably have worked if it had stayed exclusive to him. Or maybe I missed something about why it's there. Though this challenge may just last forever.

Sober - it's probably just projecting, but the thought that hit me when I started reading this was: "that sounds like screenplay language". It made me consider that screenplays don't have -much- (author) voice, whereas other writing does. Which has nothing to do with your entree, but it just occurred to me. I do however, feel that it coincides with passive phrasing in the first half of this story.

Cyan -

John Dunbar - without trying to sound like I'm picking favorites, this one amused me from the start and maintained itself well. But I would also say the ending did not entirely stick it, even if it's perfectly fine as is. I suppose it was missing a notable turning point? Dialogue was fun though.

Ashes - Doing the thing! Enjoyed for what it was. Though I did trip over "I am not depressed or anything", because for some reason we don't expect old people to talk about that. Or maybe I've watched too many movies.

Mu Cephei


I'll read the rest later for some feedback.
 
N

Nezumi

Member
With NaNo almost over it is time to get this rolling again. By my count mu cephei is currently in the lead. Not sure whether we are still waiting for votes *cough* Ashes *cough* or if we should just call it now.
 
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