Alright, I just got a little hardcore about things and chopped it down to one page. Stripped it of all the fat, eliminated redundancies, and most painfully, removed the positions that don't pertain directly to the work I'm trying to get.
(I say painfully because in the past, those seemingly unrelated positions contained references, experiences, or evidence of skills that could still be transferrable or highly useful in my target field. They became big talking points in interviews in my current field all the time - they include significant retail/management experience, large-scale coordination of events, and my status as a black belt, which carries with it evidence of significant dedication and training. But alas. It's not directly related to my target field)
I took the often-recommended approach of getting rid of most of the responsibilities/descriptive elements, and attempted to stick mostly to notable achievements, awards, landmarks, or other 'big things' from the position.
Here's a 1-pager. Please, rip it apart. Love the critique! It's how things get better: