Let's say you're the new guy at work. You're part of a small team made-up of a couple of guys and girls in an office-like setting. You're not there as much as the rest of the team, but you're there for a significant number of hours. Naturally, being the new guy, you attempt to learn more about your co-workers since you'll be spending many hours with them. You ask common questions to show that you are keen to find out more. You remember all that stuff about how most people love to talk about themselves and how taking an interest in people helps to nurture good relationships.
You attempt to learn more about one of the women you work with. She's single and a few years older than you (late 30s). She's from a cultural background where she would be regarded as being “on the shelf”. Looks-wise she's unlikely to turn heads instantly, but she is not ugly.
So anyway when you both get some down time during the workday, you ask some questions in the hope of learning more about her and her life. The questions are nothing intrusive or suspicious, just general questions you ask when you meet someone new.
Thing is every time you try to have a conversation, you can't help but notice that 1) you're always the one starting the conversation, 2) her answers are often short and closed, and 3) she never asks you any questions or shows any interest in knowing more about you.
She doesn't even lazily reflect your questions back to maintain the appearance of a two-way conversation.
At first, you put it down to the initial awkwardness and hesitation that people often experience when meeting for the first time.Your mind wanders whether she is on the spectrum or if she has some sort of social anxiety disorder. But as the days pass, you realise that her behaviour changes around her customers and co-workers. You notice that she's more than happy to chat and is very curious to learn more about other people, the very opposite of the closed-off woman you're used to.
You also start noticing the little things about her general behaviour towards you, which further reinforce your growing belief that she doesn't like talking to or being around you.
For example, you notice how when she arrives in the morning and says “good morning” to everyone, she barely makes eye contact with you.
Or how she only uses you to help her complete her tasks. Or how when you're both alone, she moves away and stays silent with her head buried in her phone. You've notice that when you ask her a question, she rarely looks up from the phone when answering it.
Taking all these observations into account, you just can't shake the feeling that for some unknown reason this woman simply isn't interested in knowing you.
I got fed up with the way things were and recently decided to say fuck it and minimised my contact with this woman. I no longer say hello or bye when leaving. I make no attempts to start conversations and keep communications work-related (which almost never happens at the moment). I don't even look at her unless I absolutely have to speak to her.
It's unsurprisingly created an unpleasant atmosphere. I've noticed that she barely says anything to me now – she recently went an entire day without saying a single word to me. She skips her lunch order if she knows I'll be buying and picking it up. It's petty stuff like that at the moment. Of course, it's made things difficult, but I really wanted to see what would happen if I dialled back on my contact with her. I just got fed up of being nice and polite despite the bullshit.
I understand that not everyone is gonna like me, and I'm ok with that. The thing is though I have to be around this woman for a significant amount of time. I have no idea why she chooses to behave in such an unlikeable way towards me, especially when there's no real reason or advantage to be gained. I mean I could perhaps understand her behaviour if I were trying to hit on her, but I'm not.
If it were any other setting, I would've ghosted her and wouldn't have given it anymore thought. I absolutely despise one-sided conversations and the accompanying general lack of effort. The problem is I have to be around her so it isn't so straightforward.
How would you guys deal with a woman like the one I've described above? Leaving is not an option at the moment. Would you risk making a complete fool of yourself by repeatedly trying to talk to her despite her lack of interest in you?
Would you continue to be nice, polite and attentive to her (taking this approach was frustrating which was why I recently stopped).
Would you simply reduce your contact with her and not give a shit about how it makes her or your other co-workers feel?
Or perhaps I'm overlooking another way of handling this situation in a way that is more favourable.
Thoughts and suggestions welcome
You attempt to learn more about one of the women you work with. She's single and a few years older than you (late 30s). She's from a cultural background where she would be regarded as being “on the shelf”. Looks-wise she's unlikely to turn heads instantly, but she is not ugly.
So anyway when you both get some down time during the workday, you ask some questions in the hope of learning more about her and her life. The questions are nothing intrusive or suspicious, just general questions you ask when you meet someone new.
Thing is every time you try to have a conversation, you can't help but notice that 1) you're always the one starting the conversation, 2) her answers are often short and closed, and 3) she never asks you any questions or shows any interest in knowing more about you.
She doesn't even lazily reflect your questions back to maintain the appearance of a two-way conversation.
At first, you put it down to the initial awkwardness and hesitation that people often experience when meeting for the first time.Your mind wanders whether she is on the spectrum or if she has some sort of social anxiety disorder. But as the days pass, you realise that her behaviour changes around her customers and co-workers. You notice that she's more than happy to chat and is very curious to learn more about other people, the very opposite of the closed-off woman you're used to.
You also start noticing the little things about her general behaviour towards you, which further reinforce your growing belief that she doesn't like talking to or being around you.
For example, you notice how when she arrives in the morning and says “good morning” to everyone, she barely makes eye contact with you.
Or how she only uses you to help her complete her tasks. Or how when you're both alone, she moves away and stays silent with her head buried in her phone. You've notice that when you ask her a question, she rarely looks up from the phone when answering it.
Taking all these observations into account, you just can't shake the feeling that for some unknown reason this woman simply isn't interested in knowing you.
I got fed up with the way things were and recently decided to say fuck it and minimised my contact with this woman. I no longer say hello or bye when leaving. I make no attempts to start conversations and keep communications work-related (which almost never happens at the moment). I don't even look at her unless I absolutely have to speak to her.
It's unsurprisingly created an unpleasant atmosphere. I've noticed that she barely says anything to me now – she recently went an entire day without saying a single word to me. She skips her lunch order if she knows I'll be buying and picking it up. It's petty stuff like that at the moment. Of course, it's made things difficult, but I really wanted to see what would happen if I dialled back on my contact with her. I just got fed up of being nice and polite despite the bullshit.
I understand that not everyone is gonna like me, and I'm ok with that. The thing is though I have to be around this woman for a significant amount of time. I have no idea why she chooses to behave in such an unlikeable way towards me, especially when there's no real reason or advantage to be gained. I mean I could perhaps understand her behaviour if I were trying to hit on her, but I'm not.
If it were any other setting, I would've ghosted her and wouldn't have given it anymore thought. I absolutely despise one-sided conversations and the accompanying general lack of effort. The problem is I have to be around her so it isn't so straightforward.
How would you guys deal with a woman like the one I've described above? Leaving is not an option at the moment. Would you risk making a complete fool of yourself by repeatedly trying to talk to her despite her lack of interest in you?
Would you continue to be nice, polite and attentive to her (taking this approach was frustrating which was why I recently stopped).
Would you simply reduce your contact with her and not give a shit about how it makes her or your other co-workers feel?
Or perhaps I'm overlooking another way of handling this situation in a way that is more favourable.
Thoughts and suggestions welcome
