soundscream
Member
First signs of insanity.
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JOHN CARTER (OF MARS!) |OT| (dir. Andrew Stanton)
- Thread starter SCULLIBUNDO
- Start date
- Status
First signs of insanity.
I can't believe I never turned on the subtitles before watching it tonight. When I first saw it I was googling around for the proper spelling.
"Ock Ohem Okte Wies Barsoom"
How many more times do we need to see this insufferable trope of wooden pretty boy protagonist in over his head with impossibly annoying holier than thou pathological lier princess who is stronger than he is and independent and doesn't need to be saved but I guess she'll let herself be saved one hundred times anyway okay woo it's five minutes from the end credits now we're in love let's go live happily ever after.
No. She's annoying and unappreciative and constantly trying to manipulate and has a terrible fake royal accent to go along with her fake Martian tan. No one's going to save someone like her from the plight of the ARRANGED MARRRIIIIAAAGGEEEEE NOOOO!!!!!! She'd rather let her entire civilization collapse and thousands continue to be slaughtered, obviously. Let's hear her whine about it some more and then disingenuously kiss some moron who can jump high so that he'll get jealous of McNulty from The Wire and kill a bunch of people and cover himself in the blood of his enemies so that he can marry her instead. Because she's hot. Oh, and she's a scientist, too, while we're at it.
This is the least convincing script in a while. The romance does not work on any level and the proposal scene was worth a cringe. Characters throw themselves into life and death combat and start murdering swaths of people for no apparent reason: Jump Man hears that "they don't fight fair" and immediately jumps up into the fray and starts murdering the guys dressed in red AFTER succeeding in rescuing the princess and taking her out of harm's way. Phew, they sent two ships after one ship and the one ship has a WOMAN! We'd better kill all of the people on the two ships after saving the woman. I DON'T FIGHT ANYONE ELSE'S WARS LEAVE ME ALONE PRINCESS! Same thing happens when Julius Caesar shows up while White Man Jumping is standing there swinging his swords and killing hundreds of green people. Caesar immediately bombs them all without knowing what is going on or who's fighting. "We got here in the nick of time! Wait, who did we save? What's going on? YAY MURDER!"
The worst films are these: huge budget adventures where they're more concerned with keeping audiences' brains overloaded with imagery at one million dollars per frame than telling a story or anything having actual consequences. John Carter straight up murders random soldiers just because they're wearing red and because it lets him do cool stuff (like dropping down on an air bike and throwing the driver to his death), when we're never shown and he's never shown that they're even bad guys. WOO MURDER! It's like playing a video game.
Speaking of paper thin motivations, Silent Ab-tagonist defeatitates the mean green people chief and then everyone cheers his name and he immediately goes into a speech about how they all need to go fight a bloody war where half of them are probably going to die that very day, FOR NO APPARENT REASON BUT LET'S DO IT THE TIME IS NOW YOU'LL NEVER TAKE...OUR FREEDOM!!! Green people have no demonstrated investment in any of this, screenplay. We're not shown the red people treating them poorly or them witnessing any atrocities. Hell, McNulty's evil menacing behavior basically amounts to enjoying using his beam hand to win the war for his people. Other than that he's just kind of mean-spirited. What a monster.
It's necessary to mention the inconsistent CG and inconsistent physics/capabilities of the main character and the consistently lifeless fight choreography and the pacing issues, too. Nothing about this movie works.
Personal Razzie Award of 2012 goes to Mars Needs Abs.
No. She's annoying and unappreciative and constantly trying to manipulate and has a terrible fake royal accent to go along with her fake Martian tan. No one's going to save someone like her from the plight of the ARRANGED MARRRIIIIAAAGGEEEEE NOOOO!!!!!! She'd rather let her entire civilization collapse and thousands continue to be slaughtered, obviously. Let's hear her whine about it some more and then disingenuously kiss some moron who can jump high so that he'll get jealous of McNulty from The Wire and kill a bunch of people and cover himself in the blood of his enemies so that he can marry her instead. Because she's hot. Oh, and she's a scientist, too, while we're at it.
This is the least convincing script in a while. The romance does not work on any level and the proposal scene was worth a cringe. Characters throw themselves into life and death combat and start murdering swaths of people for no apparent reason: Jump Man hears that "they don't fight fair" and immediately jumps up into the fray and starts murdering the guys dressed in red AFTER succeeding in rescuing the princess and taking her out of harm's way. Phew, they sent two ships after one ship and the one ship has a WOMAN! We'd better kill all of the people on the two ships after saving the woman. I DON'T FIGHT ANYONE ELSE'S WARS LEAVE ME ALONE PRINCESS! Same thing happens when Julius Caesar shows up while White Man Jumping is standing there swinging his swords and killing hundreds of green people. Caesar immediately bombs them all without knowing what is going on or who's fighting. "We got here in the nick of time! Wait, who did we save? What's going on? YAY MURDER!"
The worst films are these: huge budget adventures where they're more concerned with keeping audiences' brains overloaded with imagery at one million dollars per frame than telling a story or anything having actual consequences. John Carter straight up murders random soldiers just because they're wearing red and because it lets him do cool stuff (like dropping down on an air bike and throwing the driver to his death), when we're never shown and he's never shown that they're even bad guys. WOO MURDER! It's like playing a video game.
Speaking of paper thin motivations, Silent Ab-tagonist defeatitates the mean green people chief and then everyone cheers his name and he immediately goes into a speech about how they all need to go fight a bloody war where half of them are probably going to die that very day, FOR NO APPARENT REASON BUT LET'S DO IT THE TIME IS NOW YOU'LL NEVER TAKE...OUR FREEDOM!!! Green people have no demonstrated investment in any of this, screenplay. We're not shown the red people treating them poorly or them witnessing any atrocities. Hell, McNulty's evil menacing behavior basically amounts to enjoying using his beam hand to win the war for his people. Other than that he's just kind of mean-spirited. What a monster.
It's necessary to mention the inconsistent CG and inconsistent physics/capabilities of the main character and the consistently lifeless fight choreography and the pacing issues, too. Nothing about this movie works.
Personal Razzie Award of 2012 goes to Mars Needs Abs.
SCULLIBUNDO
Banned
John Carter started that trope.
Dejah didn't trust the Zodangan chief - and as it turns out the marriage was just a ploy to take Barsoom.
The Tharks love war and respect the right of challenge - it's part of their culture. You kill the jeddak in a recognized challenge, then you become Jeddak. John Carter leads a war-loving tribe to war.
Dejah didn't trust the Zodangan chief - and as it turns out the marriage was just a ploy to take Barsoom.
The Tharks love war and respect the right of challenge - it's part of their culture. You kill the jeddak in a recognized challenge, then you become Jeddak. John Carter leads a war-loving tribe to war.
TheKaeptain
Banned
Someone is jealous of them abs.
SpeedingUptoStop
will totally Facebook friend you! *giggle* *LOL*
It's lke that one crazy article about Craig being too fit in Skyfall and comparing him to dudes like Cary Grant who could steal a girl without being really fit (in a scripted film, he failed to note) and that kids should read books instead of working out. Talk about failing to see the forest through the ABS.
A Black Falcon
Member
Well yeah, that is pretty much true, but remember that this is adapted from a book written in the 19-teens. In the sci-fi genre, A Princess of Mars is one of the works responsible for creating many of those pulp-scifi tropes you mention there. So criticizing it for that is somewhat unfair -- is it really its fault that it was so influential? I guess that they could have changed things even more from the books, but I like that they kept at least most of the core similar, even if a lot was changed, as it was.
But in the end it would have been worse if she'd given in and gone with him, considering what their plans were...
As the post after your said, though, she was entirely right about that arranged marriage being just a setup... I liked how the movie made Dejah Thoris a much stronger character than the books' version. Sure like most of the stuff in the movie she's quite different from the source material, but in this case I think it was a good change. What's wrong with making her a scientist and competent at politics, instead of just a girl he has to rescue and fall in love with like she is in the book? (On another note, this explains that complaint about her you had in the first paragraph, but I think her predicament does make sense as the movie explains it; she did need saving at the end there.)
Pretty much all of this is completely consistent with the books. Mars is a dying planet, so the people on it are violent and merciless; the martians can live thousands of years, so they rarely die of old age. Instead, the ones that die mostly die violently. And when they win battles, they kill or enslave their enemies. They have no concept of 'quarter' or things like that. Indeed, the movie actually significantly tones down some of the violence from the first book (it rewrites a lot of the plot too, of course; the tone's sort of the books crossed with generic Hollywood, though I think the mix actually works); that arena scene is ... a LOT ... more bloody in the first book, for instance.
Basically John Carter has to kill lots of actual Martians in order to survive the arena, not just those two giant monsters and then straight to the boss.
So yeah, you would entirely expect the Martians of different colors to be trying to kill each other all the time. That's pretty much what they're doing most of the time in the books.
As for saving women, "rescue the princess" is the basic plot of many of th4e books. Dejah Thoris in the film has had her role significantly upgraded versus the books, where she mostly just gets kidnapped or trapped again and again... Of course, the books are from the 19-teens through the '30s, so you shouldn't expect different, but that is how they are.
As for the romance, part of the problem there is that it starts so early in their romance... if it'd done better and gotten a sequel that might have helped there. But as for the books, and again the movie is pretty different in many ways but also similar in a fair number of them, while they're absolutely full of gory violence and (non-sexual) nudity, actual romance or sexual content is quite uncommon. I don't know if there's any of the latter...
The point of this movie, and the first book, is that the six races of Mars are extremely antagonistic to eachother. John Carter
actually forces them to work together as a team, forming one of Mars's first actual multi-racial alliances in known history... that did start at the end of the movie, but would have been a bigger deal in a sequel, I'm sure.
As was mentioned, this is because by defeating the old chief, he becomes their chief. Standard setup there.
That's true, the movie does cut back on that stuff versus the books, and also on green-versus-green violence too. It might hurt it some in comparison, but I can see why they'd do that; they wanted something acceptable to the modern audience, which the movie is. The books... it's mixed.
Eh, the CG's good enough I loved how stuff like the flying ships actually looked like they should in the books... the flying ships in the movie looked great, very cool designs. Sure, the costumes have some serious liberties (in the books they're nearly naked, with jewelery and harnesses being all the books ever mention, being all any Martians wear, apart from furs for sleeping or the cold. Book covers, and this movie of course, usually put loincloths on the people, but I don't believe the actual text ever says that they are actually worn.)
It's a pretty good movie, I quite liked it. Sure it's Hollywood, but it's the good side of Hollywood. My biggest complaint would probably be that whole
white martians running a secret network linking Mars to Earth and conspiracies surrounding that etc. stuff; I don't remember anything remotely like that from the books. They made that up for the film, didn't they? It's standard modern-conspiracy-theory-writing stuff, but doesn't really fit with the series, I don't think. (On that note, in the book, John doesn't go through a portal to get to Mars in the beginning. He does get there from the American western desert after a different encounter with soldiers and indians, but there's no actual portal -- he simply wakes up and is on Mars, and immediately knows that he's not on Earth, with no special stone explanation or anything like that (indeed, that portal stone thing was made up for the movie too, just like the whole rest of the conspiracy/portals element of the film).
Later in the series he does figure out how to go back and forth between Earth and Mars, though, but not that way, I don't believe.
Later in the series he does figure out how to go back and forth between Earth and Mars, though, but not that way, I don't believe.
krypt0nian
Banned
I'm having some amazing luck lately bringing new JC lovers into the fold. People who listened to the critics, and bad box office are now enjoying the fuck out of it.
polyh3dron
Banned
I think it's pretty lame how much this movie ripped off Avatar myself.
I mean the main character's Avatar had some nice abs on it too.
Can nothing be original anymore?
I mean the main character's Avatar had some nice abs on it too.
Can nothing be original anymore?
StoppedInTracks
Member
SCULLIBUNDO
Banned
Seriously. This is almost as bad as when Malick ripped off The Last Samurai and changed it to native americans.
krypt0nian
Banned
Hehe
Team Filler
Member
My favorite part was when Disney mixed up the CG-files and accidentally put Garfield in the movie.
I'm obviously joking about the abs bit. It's commentary about how he's a hollow, one note protagonist, played by an actor who checked the box of being fit enough for the film's marketing and little else. Anyone with abs could have stepped into the role with as much success. Ab-tagonist.
One of my favorites of the year, yeah.
One of my favorites of the year, yeah.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Just saw this movie, and I have one thing to say:
Fuck the haters.
This is one of the best movies I have seen, and it astonishes me that it never went down well with the general public. It has that Stardust adventure-fantasy vibe too it, but with a lot more action to it - you'd think it'd to gangbusters.
My favorite scene was the flashback/Warhoom fight scene.
Fuck the haters.
This is one of the best movies I have seen, and it astonishes me that it never went down well with the general public. It has that Stardust adventure-fantasy vibe too it, but with a lot more action to it - you'd think it'd to gangbusters.
My favorite scene was the flashback/Warhoom fight scene.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Come at me bro.
SCULLIBUNDO
Banned
Another convert, though I wouldn't ever say it's one of the best films I've ever seen. I'd say different strokes for different folks, but then I can't lambast you for comparing it to the trite that is Stardust.
Discotheque
Banned
it's the closest thing we'll get to those old errol flynn style adventure films 
what the fuck this film needs a sequel.
what the fuck this film needs a sequel.
SCULLIBUNDO
Banned
I just went back and read my first impressions and found it hilarious that Expendable and I saw it on the same day and both came out with completely opposite impressions. We've been agreeing on most things this year though. Will have to wait till blockbuster season methinks.
Discotheque
Banned
he's a cool dude but i almost completely disagree with him when it comes to blockbusters
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Stardust is an amazing light-hearted adventure movie.
Looks like Oz is the going the way of Stardust, despite looking to be as excellent.
Lionel Mandrake
Member
You're a strange person, Sculli.
I saw Dejah in an episode of Law & Order: SVU the other day and I couldn't tell it was her at first since it was from 1999.
She was lookin' good.
Yeah, I had no desire to see this when it came out in theaters and now that I've seen it on cable I feel like I missed out on a great experience.
She was lookin' good.
Yeah, I had no desire to see this when it came out in theaters and now that I've seen it on cable I feel like I missed out on a great experience.
Lionheart1827
Member
I saw this recently on Showtime on demand, was pleasantly surprised and had no idea about the film either.
A shame it didn't grab a lot more people. I'd put it alongside Sahara for a "why didnt this movie get a sequel" award.
A shame it didn't grab a lot more people. I'd put it alongside Sahara for a "why didnt this movie get a sequel" award.
For a movie thats not getting a sequel, it sure is on TV a lot. Someone gotta kickstart it or something.
Watching it now on Cable.
crazy monkey
Banned
it flopped because it was bad movie and truly forgettable.
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