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[VeeP]

A little update.

She called me in the evening again and was sounding really upset. So I asked and she said she was upset because I didnt trust her, looked at her phone (I did see her phone to see if the app was still there, in front of her only. It was unlocked and I was just so angry and frustrated I couldnt help myself) and that she had never explained herself to anyone before, so calling another guy just to clear things with me was a big deal and she was feeling bad that I turned out to be a guy who doubted her.
She says that I shouldve asked her and nothing else. So basically I have two choices forever, whenever I have even a little bit of doubt- 1. Dont do anything. 2. Ask her and believe her story.
Kinda made me feel very bad for a while. I indeed felt like a doubting bf.

As others are pointing out, on further thinking I do think some things dont add up.
If she didnt like the guy in the first meet (and turns out that the guy shifted to GF's town after around 8 months of us being together, and not very early in our relationship), why did she meet him a second time? That too after such a long time? Did they meet more times in between? Also, if the guy is as big a creep as she claims, why the hell is he not blocked and out of her life forever? Why is he still sending whatsapp and FB msgs to her, which she replies sometimes to?
Finally, if she is telling the truth in saying that they met only twice and with a gap of a year or so, why the hell was this guy messaging her a whole year without meeting and why was he allowed to do so by her?
Also, I should point out, since some people are saying that I couldve known if there was anything fishy in the chats, the chats I saw only went as back as 20 days or so. Before that nothing was there. Her explanation is that he was blocked before that and hence no chats. In those 20 days of chats I couldnt gauge much, except one red flag chat where he asked her to meet some three times and she replied-
"I am going home. Lets meet after 23rd October."
She couldve stopped at "No", or "I am going home." or simply blocked him. She had no need of letting him know she will be back on 23rd. She says she simply replied as she would to any friend that she is not available and can meet after being back on 23rd.

So....story not over yet?

First of all, don't feel bad. You trusted her. Even tho she had a dating app on her phone. let me ask you OP, if she dated you for x amount of months, what did she need a dating app for? "Keep in touch with friends I made" Naw fam. You ask for numbers/facebook, and delete the app. it's easy as that. She didn't.

Second, because she didn't, supposedly she had a guy repeatedly hit her up. THEN, she went "out" or "hung out" with the guy. This isn't some random friend/co-worker/classmate, this is a guy she met on a dating app. Why did she think he wanted to meet? Why not block and move on? Why not say, sorry, I'm in a relationship, my Boyfriend doesn't approve of this or something? Why not TELL you about it when it was happening?

My point is, don't feel guilty. Her actions led you to losing trust in her, and as a last resort you asked to look at her phone. It was either that or breaking up. Explain this whole thing once to her calmly, don't let her twist any of this back on you. See what she says/her thoughts. Maybe you guys can move forward from this, maybe not.

 

[mordecaii83]

The part that bothers me most is the October 23rd part. Is that THIS October 23rd or the one a year ago? If she was planning on meeting him in 10 days, that's all kinds of shady if she didn't tell you anything without you needing to ask. Still not proof of cheating but that would bother me to no end.

 

[Glass Shark]

.

 

[cwmartin]

"how could you doubt me?" says the woman using a dating app to talk and discuss meet ups with other men.

 

[Ryzaki009]

"how could you doubt me?" says the woman using a dating app to talk and discuss meet ups with other men.

This if she wasn't gaslighting she'd admit it looks sketchy as fuck and would want to make what she's doing as clear as possible. But nah she rather gaslight the OP.

 

[xRaizen]

OP, if you have doubts, and she’s guilting you: GTFO.

I’ve been through this, just gtfo and meet other people. It sucks, but you have to man up and do it.

 

[Kevtones]

Wouldn't call that going out of your way to plan a meet up but it hardly matters now. OP's never gonna be able to let it go. The paranoia's rooted deep in there.

Lol. She let's him know the day they can get together. And why.

She's meeting the guy she 'blocked' because he was 'creepy' and that she dated. She then, without explanation, unblocks said creepy guy and plans to meet him.

1) why did she unblock him?
2) why is she willfully meeting a creepy guy?



This shouldn't be hard to understand.

 

[Roufianos]

What is the the dating app in question? Why hasn't OP named it?

I'm surprised he called it "Facebook" and not "A social media site".

Anyway, nobody on a dating app wants to be friends with your gf. It was wrong of her to have it all this time.

Also, don't feel bad. You did nothing wrong. Just be calm now and don't do anything rash.

 

[Meifu]

This is an easy one from our eyes.

Obviously not from yours, its tough to cut something off after investing a year and half.

But you wont be able to heal from this bullshit she pulled until you cut the threat.

Dump her, make her regret being a horrible person. As soon as you dump her and delete her off all social media she will start reaching out with apologies and begging for you back. Or not, either way, its time to let her go. You don't come back from lack of trust like this.

She will do any and everything to make you the bad guy here to heal her emotional state of guilt, its what always happens.

 

[Nabbis]

On the bright side you can bang new chicks(or dudes, for variety) and not feel guilty about it.

 

[RumbleHumble]

A little update.

She called me in the evening again and was sounding really upset. So I asked and she said she was upset because I didnt trust her, looked at her phone (I did see her phone to see if the app was still there, in front of her only. It was unlocked and I was just so angry and frustrated I couldnt help myself) and that she had never explained herself to anyone before, so calling another guy just to clear things with me was a big deal and she was feeling bad that I turned out to be a guy who doubted her.
She says that I shouldve asked her and nothing else. So basically I have two choices forever, whenever I have even a little bit of doubt- 1. Dont do anything. 2. Ask her and believe her story.
Kinda made me feel very bad for a while. I indeed felt like a doubting bf.

As others are pointing out, on further thinking I do think some things dont add up.
If she didnt like the guy in the first meet (and turns out that the guy shifted to GF's town after around 8 months of us being together, and not very early in our relationship), why did she meet him a second time? That too after such a long time? Did they meet more times in between? Also, if the guy is as big a creep as she claims, why the hell is he not blocked and out of her life forever? Why is he still sending whatsapp and FB msgs to her, which she replies sometimes to?
Finally, if she is telling the truth in saying that they met only twice and with a gap of a year or so, why the hell was this guy messaging her a whole year without meeting and why was he allowed to do so by her?
Also, I should point out, since some people are saying that I couldve known if there was anything fishy in the chats, the chats I saw only went as back as 20 days or so. Before that nothing was there. Her explanation is that he was blocked before that and hence no chats. In those 20 days of chats I couldnt gauge much, except one red flag chat where he asked her to meet some three times and she replied-
"I am going home. Lets meet after 23rd October."
She couldve stopped at "No", or "I am going home." or simply blocked him. She had no need of letting him know she will be back on 23rd. She says she simply replied as she would to any friend that she is not available and can meet after being back on 23rd.

So....story not over yet?

Story over. Get out. Now. This is all complete bullshit and her getting pissy at you about figuring it out rather than trying to help you out and legitimately clear things up is a shitty thing to do.

 

[Sickness702]

Still a chance she's innocent OP, but I feel like there's reasonable doubt now. You really need to have a long discussion with her to where you both understand the other's position and have no real doubts left, or you need to bounce. There's no middle ground here.

Noting innocent about it. She has continued to talk to a guy throughout their relationship on multiple apps and have met up behind his back. If it were innocent she woundn't be talking to the other dude let alone meeting him, especially if she says he is pestering her.

If she really felt this guy was a friend and she wanted to hang out she should have told the OP or had the OP come with her to meet her "friend" but we all know this is BS, this dude is her side piece.

 

[Zaru]

Anyway, nobody on a dating app wants to be friends with your gf.

A lot of women still cannot fathom the percentage of their male friends/acquaintances that would fuck them if they had a chance and stay in contact for the off chance that it happens. The majority probably even while knowing she was in a relationship.

 

[Sephzilla]

A little update.

She called me in the evening again and was sounding really upset. So I asked and she said she was upset because I didnt trust her, looked at her phone (I did see her phone to see if the app was still there, in front of her only. It was unlocked and I was just so angry and frustrated I couldnt help myself) and that she had never explained herself to anyone before, so calling another guy just to clear things with me was a big deal and she was feeling bad that I turned out to be a guy who doubted her.
She says that I shouldve asked her and nothing else. So basically I have two choices forever, whenever I have even a little bit of doubt- 1. Dont do anything. 2. Ask her and believe her story.
Kinda made me feel very bad for a while. I indeed felt like a doubting bf.

As others are pointing out, on further thinking I do think some things dont add up.
If she didnt like the guy in the first meet (and turns out that the guy shifted to GF's town after around 8 months of us being together, and not very early in our relationship), why did she meet him a second time? That too after such a long time? Did they meet more times in between? Also, if the guy is as big a creep as she claims, why the hell is he not blocked and out of her life forever? Why is he still sending whatsapp and FB msgs to her, which she replies sometimes to?
Finally, if she is telling the truth in saying that they met only twice and with a gap of a year or so, why the hell was this guy messaging her a whole year without meeting and why was he allowed to do so by her?
Also, I should point out, since some people are saying that I couldve known if there was anything fishy in the chats, the chats I saw only went as back as 20 days or so. Before that nothing was there. Her explanation is that he was blocked before that and hence no chats. In those 20 days of chats I couldnt gauge much, except one red flag chat where he asked her to meet some three times and she replied-
"I am going home. Lets meet after 23rd October."
She couldve stopped at "No", or "I am going home." or simply blocked him. She had no need of letting him know she will be back on 23rd. She says she simply replied as she would to any friend that she is not available and can meet after being back on 23rd.

So....story not over yet?

This update changes my opinion on things a bit. If she's upset that you doubted her despite there being rightful reason to doubt her then it seems like there's a red flag popping up here. She seems to be trying to manipulate things into making her look like the victim here and to backdoor excuse herself for her actions. OP you have no reason to feel bad at all, you trusted her and then she gave you reason to feel that trust was broken.

 

[Sickness702]

We can go the Occam's Razor route and just believe her and that the other dude was lying.

Or we can go down the crazy road to conspiracy town and assume that she found out that he talked to your sister and that it was only a matter of time before you confronted her about it so she worked this whole thing ahead of time to make it seem like he was the one lying so you'll feel bad and never question her again.

But here's the problem with that 2nd one: you said you saw all of the messages over the last 20 days. I'm assuming he spoke to your sister within that timeframe, so that exchange would be in the messages, right?

Multiple apps, multiple conversations and you can delete messages within a conversation. Also, these were the apps the OP new about, I'm sure there are others.

 

[Blueblur1]

A little update.

She called me in the evening again and was sounding really upset. So I asked and she said she was upset because I didnt trust her, looked at her phone (I did see her phone to see if the app was still there, in front of her only. It was unlocked and I was just so angry and frustrated I couldnt help myself) and that she had never explained herself to anyone before, so calling another guy just to clear things with me was a big deal and she was feeling bad that I turned out to be a guy who doubted her.
She says that I shouldve asked her and nothing else. So basically I have two choices forever, whenever I have even a little bit of doubt- 1. Dont do anything. 2. Ask her and believe her story.
Kinda made me feel very bad for a while. I indeed felt like a doubting bf.

As others are pointing out, on further thinking I do think some things dont add up.
If she didnt like the guy in the first meet (and turns out that the guy shifted to GF's town after around 8 months of us being together, and not very early in our relationship), why did she meet him a second time? That too after such a long time? Did they meet more times in between? Also, if the guy is as big a creep as she claims, why the hell is he not blocked and out of her life forever? Why is he still sending whatsapp and FB msgs to her, which she replies sometimes to?
Finally, if she is telling the truth in saying that they met only twice and with a gap of a year or so, why the hell was this guy messaging her a whole year without meeting and why was he allowed to do so by her?
Also, I should point out, since some people are saying that I couldve known if there was anything fishy in the chats, the chats I saw only went as back as 20 days or so. Before that nothing was there. Her explanation is that he was blocked before that and hence no chats. In those 20 days of chats I couldnt gauge much, except one red flag chat where he asked her to meet some three times and she replied-
"I am going home. Lets meet after 23rd October."
She couldve stopped at "No", or "I am going home." or simply blocked him. She had no need of letting him know she will be back on 23rd. She says she simply replied as she would to any friend that she is not available and can meet after being back on 23rd.

So....story not over yet?

Dude, its time to bail. Lots of things are not adding up and now she's trying to make you feel bad. You've handled everything pretty well so far (better than I have when I was in your situation). Its time for you to cut things off and avoid more drama and additional heartache.

A person who is an honest, respectful and truly loving person would not do the things she did. They would block the dudes and delete the dating app. Don't reward her behavior with more trust because you're going to waste more time and end up in a worse situation.

 

[Doctor West]

Nobody uses a dating app to make friends. You are only on there to date and so is everybody else. At best she's a deep narcissist and keeping her options open. At worst she's cheating on you, maybe not with the Facebook guy, but somebody else. My wife and I both hard deleted our dating apps together once we got serious. We were both happy to leave that world behind because we found what we were looking for. Guys and girls can be friends, but it's not going to be through a dating app.

Now your GF is turning the tables on you for confronting her? That well is poisoned. You will never trust her again and I wouldn't blame you. She will also keep finding ways to make everything your fault. It sucks because you invested a lot of time in the relationship, but at least you didn't take the next step. Move on from her in a civil way and find somebody better. Don't listed to the other posters in here telling you to be an asshole and publicly shame her. That's not worth it and it just lowers you to an immature level. I had some bad relationships before I found my wife and once I did it was crystal clear she was the once. That will happen to you too one day. Starting over is the hardest part, but in the end you will be so damn glad you did. Good luck, man.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

Dude, its time to bail. Lots of things are not adding up and now she's trying to make you feel bad. You've handled everything pretty well so far (better than I have when I was in your situation). Its time for you to cut things off and avoid more drama and additional heartache.

A person who is an honest, respectful and truly loving person would not do the things she did. They would block the dudes and delete the dating app.

Ding Ding Ding. We have a winner!

 

[Very Berry Sunday]

There's someone out there who's better with you.

Move on. Don't waste anymore time with her.

 

[God Dayumm]

I told you to ghost. Now you just made shit complicated

 

[Your Entertainer]

Just think off all the times you were sitting right next to her and she was talking to her "friends" without you knowing what was going on.

Do you wonder why she never told you about these "friends?" Is it because she knew you would get upset? If she knew you would get upset why was she still doing it? If she did it knowing you would get upset but still continued to do it does she really care about your feelings?

If they talk behind your back it would be easy to come up with a plan to make it look like nothing was happening between them. My theory is they are fuck buddies and he want's more than what she is willing to offer but she is still down to smash. I base this off of a couple things you wrote.

1) The guy told that they met on the same dating app on which me and my gf met.

--- If she hooked up with you on the app you know she is down to meet people from the app

2) They've been dating for a couple of months and have met a few times. Didnt say anything about physical relations.

----She met him more than once during your relationship so she is down to creep behind your back.

3) The guy is sure my gf likes him and that things will progress slowly and then they might think of getting married.

--- Booty calls start as sex but someone always catches feelings. In his case they smashed a couple times which makes him think they may have something

4) She said they met twice. Once in the beginning once a couple months back when they were in the same mall and he kept asking her to meet.

--- Why would she be chatting with him live while at the mall? This means it's more than just "he messages me every once in a while."

5) She showed me the chats on Whatsapp and Fb (the first thing I checked was the app, she doesnt have it anymore). It was mostly him msging her frequently and she ignoring him, though it didnt seem antagonistic from her side either.

--- This right here should be clear as day to you.... if it's someone who pesters her and she doesn't like him why would she talk to him across multiple apps? Come on now bruh. She is clearly lying to you about their relationship. It's also easy to delete her comments to make it look one sided. I also think she purposely kept those one sided conversations open just in case you find out so she can show you she was "innocent."

6) Her:"Hi. So why did you tell my friend that I was flirting with you?"
Him"I didnt say that."
Her:"Then what did you say?"
Him:"I just said that I saw her and your pics together and that I like you. Thats it."
Her:"And you said nothing like I was flirting with you or that I was single?"
Him:"No."
Her:"When I told you that I am thinking of marrying a guy and my parents are meeting him, then why are you still telling my friend all this?"
Him:"I only said I like you. Nothing else."

--- Let me decipher this for you...

Her "Why did you open your mouth to my friend?
Him: "I didn't"
Her: "What did you say then?"
Him: "I just said that I like you but I didn't say we were fucking"
Her: "Are you sure you didn't say anything?"
Him: "Yeah, i'm sure"
Her: I told you I have a man so you know you can't be more than a booty call"
Him: " "But I want to be more than fuck buddies"

6) So looks like the guy was lying. We still did have a chat about her keeping the dating app in her phone after we met, and she gave the same explanation that she used to talk to a couple of guys who had become her friends over there. Nevertheless she agreed it looks wrong and that she had deleted the app long back and had no plans of doing any such thing.

--- So the real friends she met she only keeps on the dating app but the guy she doesn't like gets access to all her other social media accounts????? She also said she deleted the app and didn't have plans of doing anything but she reinstalled it while she was at the mall just to find this guy happened to be there at the same time?

Duuude. I agree for the most part. I’d be very wary

 

[SDBurton]

Ahh the good ole guilt trip. Time to bail, waaaay past time tbh.

 

[danthefan]

"how could you doubt me?" says the woman using a dating app to talk and discuss meet ups with other men.

This is a good post.

 

[Ralemont]

Okay, look. It's possible she's telling the truth. It's possible she never had romantic feelings for any of these guys and only went out with the one guy (twice) because it was the best way to get him to stop pestering her (instead of just blocking him). It's possible that she's legitimately hurt that you thought she was cheating when she thought you guys had a trusting, good relationship.

Is it at all likely? I don't think so.

You don't match with people and continue talking to them as "friends." If you talk with someone on Tinder and just decide to be friends, you would switch to numbers, put their name in your phone, add them on Facebook, all that good stuff. That's what you do with people who you are okay with everyone in your life knowing you are friends with. You don't continue to talk to them on an app for which you can disable notifications and essentially hide. And you definitely wouldn't delete the message history of everything prior to 20 days ago for the one guy you switched to WhatsApp with.

Additionally, the trickle-truthing is evident. "What's this app?" "Oh I just use it to talk to friends." "But you met with this one guy?" "Oh I don't even like him, he wouldn't leave me alone." Now she's gaslighting you to shift the blame for her behavior on you. From here onwards, if you question some shady behavior of hers, she's the victim and you're the untrusting asshole. Classic cheater manipulation, and she's always have the upper hand. Look at your post; it's already working! ("I feel like the untrusting BF!")

Has she apologized for her stupidity and/or duplicity in using dating apps to talk to guys without consulting you first, or meeting with them without telling you, or at least acknowledged how bad it looks and that you had solid reason for doubting her?

If not, this can't move forward. And maybe it shouldn't anyway. Trust, once lost, is something extremely difficult to get back. Often you never do.

And to mordecai... yours is the trusting attitude we all should have in a perfect world, and it's great that you have such a happy marriage. For others, experience tells us we can't afford to give people the benefit of the doubt on this type of thing.

 

[BitStyle]

Dude, its time to bail. Lots of things are not adding up and now she's trying to make you feel bad. You've handled everything pretty well so far (better than I have when I was in your situation). Its time for you to cut things off and avoid more drama and additional heartache.

A person who is an honest, respectful and truly loving person would not do the things she did. They would block the dudes and delete the dating app. Don't reward her behavior with more trust because you're going to waste more time and end up in a worse situation.

Absolutely this

 

[Dirca]

OP, I know you don't know any of us, but you're getting a lot of sound advice, and a lot of what we have said is happening. BAIL. Now, before you're tied up in a marriage and she divorces and takes you to the cleaners.

She doesn't know what she wants. You're going to be the one hurt more in the end.

 

[Crazyorloco]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I went through something similar. I think we're naive, but let this experience wisen you up. You will give yourself emotionally to those that deserve it in the future. She didn't deserve you.

Well, now it makes sense why she liked your being so trusting. It's because it allowed her to do stuff like this without fear of reprisal.

The dating app still being on the phone was a huge red flag.

I know you think you will "get over it", but you never will, it will haunt you all the time if you choose to try to work it out, whether she takes five minutes too long at the store, every time her phone goes off, or if it doesn't go off at all because she keeps it on silent, everything she does will bother you. Don't bother.

This is who she is, I'd wager a guess that she's done this in every serious relationship she's been involved in (age depending, you guys could be relatively young).

She will not change.

You can do better. A lot better.

I stayed with my ex for six months after she cheated ...this is exactly what I experienced. It's torture. And like you said she's likely to have done this in other relationship as well (I found out my ex cheated in all of her other relationships). I think it all stems from wanting attention from guys. The more the better, and if sex is including that's great too.

 

[Rur0ni]

Duuude. I agree for the most part. I’d be very wary

Translated post seems spot on. Such is life.

 

[VeeP]

Okay, look. It's possible she's telling the truth. It's possible she never had romantic feelings for any of these guys and only went out with the one guy (twice) because it was the best way to get him to stop pestering her (instead of just blocking him). It's possible that she's legitimately hurt that you thought she was cheating when she thought you guys had a trusting, good relationship.

Is it at all likely? I don't think so.

You don't match with people and continue talking to them as "friends." If you talk with someone on Tinder and just decide to be friends, you would switch to numbers, put their name in your phone, add them on Facebook, all that good stuff. That's what you do with people who you are okay with everyone in your life knowing you are friends with. You don't continue to talk to them on an app for which you can disable notifications and essentially hide. And you definitely wouldn't delete the message history of everything prior to 20 days ago for the one guy you switched to WhatsApp with.

Additionally, the trickle-truthing is evident. "What's this app?" "Oh I just use it to talk to friends." "But you met with this one guy?" "Oh I don't even like him, he wouldn't leave me alone." Now she's gaslighting you to shift the blame for her behavior on you. From here onwards, if you question some shady behavior of hers, she's the victim and you're the untrusting asshole. Classic cheater manipulation, and she's always have the upper hand. Look at your post; it's already working! ("I feel like the untrusting BF!")

Has she apologized for her stupidity and/or duplicity in using dating apps to talk to guys without consulting you first, or meeting with them without telling you, or at least acknowledged how bad it looks and that you had solid reason for doubting her?

If not, this can't move forward. And maybe it shouldn't anyway. Trust, once lost, is something extremely difficult to get back. Often you never do.

And to mordecai... yours is the trusting attitude we all should have in a perfect world, and it's great that you have such a happy marriage. For others, experience tells us we can't afford to give people the benefit of the doubt on this type of thing.

Yea what bothers me is that she actually TALKED to these guys, and potentially hung out /met with them. It's one thing to have a dating app, like OP said, he didn't really mind, he just thought she needed an ego boost. So okay, you match, and if someone hits you up you don't need to reply. But she's actually having conversations with these guys, and met at least one person while dating OP (and meeting his family). Of course OP is going to lose some trust.

 

[Sickness702]

"how could you doubt me?" says the woman using a dating app to talk and discuss meet ups with other men.

TBH this app seems lit af, which app is this? lol

 

[zeemumu]

Multiple apps, multiple conversations and you can delete messages within a conversation. Also, these were the apps the OP new about, I'm sure there are others.

Maybe. I'm just going off of what OP told us

 

[Sephzilla]

It's possible, albeit pretty unlikely, that she's actually legitimately upset/hurt by all of this and just isn't coping with it in a good way. But what she's doing, according to OP's update, sounds like some basic level cheater manipulation in order to paint herself as the victim of someone who doesn't trust her. OP, don't let that happen. At the absolutely least you and her need to sit down and have a really serious long discussion about all of this and you need to lay out all of the hard evidence that led you to not trusting her and make it clear to her that everything she did is what led to this. Don't compromise on that stance at all.

If you two can be adults and talk through all of this and things work out, congratulations. But, it does seem like the well has been poisoned. If she doesn't apologize and own up to her mistake and continues to try to play victim, then it's time to cut bait and move on.

 

[Johnny Cage In The Shower]

A little update.

She called me in the evening again and was sounding really upset. So I asked and she said she was upset because I didnt trust her, looked at her phone (I did see her phone to see if the app was still there, in front of her only. It was unlocked and I was just so angry and frustrated I couldnt help myself) and that she had never explained herself to anyone before, so calling another guy just to clear things with me was a big deal and she was feeling bad that I turned out to be a guy who doubted her.
She says that I shouldve asked her and nothing else. So basically I have two choices forever, whenever I have even a little bit of doubt- 1. Dont do anything. 2. Ask her and believe her story.
Kinda made me feel very bad for a while. I indeed felt like a doubting bf.

As others are pointing out, on further thinking I do think some things dont add up.
If she didnt like the guy in the first meet (and turns out that the guy shifted to GF's town after around 8 months of us being together, and not very early in our relationship), why did she meet him a second time? That too after such a long time? Did they meet more times in between? Also, if the guy is as big a creep as she claims, why the hell is he not blocked and out of her life forever? Why is he still sending whatsapp and FB msgs to her, which she replies sometimes to?
Finally, if she is telling the truth in saying that they met only twice and with a gap of a year or so, why the hell was this guy messaging her a whole year without meeting and why was he allowed to do so by her?
Also, I should point out, since some people are saying that I couldve known if there was anything fishy in the chats, the chats I saw only went as back as 20 days or so. Before that nothing was there. Her explanation is that he was blocked before that and hence no chats. In those 20 days of chats I couldnt gauge much, except one red flag chat where he asked her to meet some three times and she replied-
"I am going home. Lets meet after 23rd October."
She couldve stopped at "No", or "I am going home." or simply blocked him. She had no need of letting him know she will be back on 23rd. She says she simply replied as she would to any friend that she is not available and can meet after being back on 23rd.

So....story not over yet?

It's funny how in most of these situations, whether we're too young and naive or just too lost and dare I say "stupid" to stop, pause for one second and ask ourselves what we want from a relationship.

"What do I expect and want from this woman?"

OP, it's easy to abandon all standards and ethics for the beautiful girl and the good (sex) pussy.. But unless you've checked your emotions at the door and you're not invested in someone with your heart and soul: You have no choice but to literally sit down, grab a piece of pen and paper and in point form write down, what type of person you are and what you expect from a woman who's in a relationship with you.

After you do the above, come back and read what you wrote here in your last post...

You'll see things a lot more clearly, your vision would be clear: for example; You'd know that if someone who truly liked and respected you, wouldn't need to shuffle around and fumble and try to explain to you 10-12 months worth of interaction with some dude she had on a dating app behind your back, the lack of respect and communication from her towards you is clear as fucking day here...

And if she did not have an ounce of guilt on her, she will also see this and apologize to you, at minimum.."You knwo what, you're right I am so sorry for keeping you in the dark from this guy, he didn't even mean much to me, and I should've let you know about him months ago, and not keep talking (chatting) with him without keeping you in the loop, I am so sorry I fucked up, you have every right to be suspicious and doubt my trust"


That would be the response of a person with a clear conscious and one that respects you and one that does not want to lose you.

There are women out there, believe it or not, that love and respect their bf and once they are put in a situation where someone else keeps messaging them to meet on the side (romantic purposes) They will either cut ties with that person immediately or at the very least complain about him to their bfs sooner than later.

Your gf was quite comfortable keeping this guy as a "pen pal" (as far as you know) for months, if not for over a year, without once mentioning him to you. and now she is angry at you for "doubting" her... Yeeeaaah..Sooooo.....


Go get that piece of paper now OP, sit down and write down the standards you want and expect from your....NEXT girlfriend. You'll have happier, healthier and more solid relationship for years to come, trust me.

 

[MegaManTrigger]

A little update.

She called me in the evening again and was sounding really upset. So I asked and she said she was upset because I didnt trust her, looked at her phone (I did see her phone to see if the app was still there, in front of her only. It was unlocked and I was just so angry and frustrated I couldnt help myself) and that she had never explained herself to anyone before, so calling another guy just to clear things with me was a big deal and she was feeling bad that I turned out to be a guy who doubted her.
She says that I shouldve asked her and nothing else. So basically I have two choices forever, whenever I have even a little bit of doubt- 1. Dont do anything. 2. Ask her and believe her story.
Kinda made me feel very bad for a while. I indeed felt like a doubting bf.

As others are pointing out, on further thinking I do think some things dont add up.
If she didnt like the guy in the first meet (and turns out that the guy shifted to GF's town after around 8 months of us being together, and not very early in our relationship), why did she meet him a second time? That too after such a long time? Did they meet more times in between? Also, if the guy is as big a creep as she claims, why the hell is he not blocked and out of her life forever? Why is he still sending whatsapp and FB msgs to her, which she replies sometimes to?
Finally, if she is telling the truth in saying that they met only twice and with a gap of a year or so, why the hell was this guy messaging her a whole year without meeting and why was he allowed to do so by her?
Also, I should point out, since some people are saying that I couldve known if there was anything fishy in the chats, the chats I saw only went as back as 20 days or so. Before that nothing was there. Her explanation is that he was blocked before that and hence no chats. In those 20 days of chats I couldnt gauge much, except one red flag chat where he asked her to meet some three times and she replied-
"I am going home. Lets meet after 23rd October."
She couldve stopped at "No", or "I am going home." or simply blocked him. She had no need of letting him know she will be back on 23rd. She says she simply replied as she would to any friend that she is not available and can meet after being back on 23rd.

So....story not over yet?

No, the story is absolutely over. You need to get over yourself and start seeing that she's trying to guilt you and absolve herself of all responsibility. She has no right to get upset that you don't trust her, when she's the one who broke the trust and went out behind your back. She has a lot of nerve to say that you're doubting her when she's the one who invited doubt by doing what she did. Even if you asked her, what was that going to accomplish? She could've easily lied to you again and again and again with no real reason to come clean to you. So stop feeling guilty for being a doubting bf, you had all the reasons in the world to doubt her.

Things do not add up, but you're wasting a lot of energy and time caring about the irrelevant details of when/where/why/how/etc. Ultimately, the only thing that matters is she did this behind your back. Do not stay with her for the sake of your sanity, it's beyond toxic at this point. She's shown that she's willing to deflect and lie, so should you really trust that she won't do the same thing 5 years from now? 10? 15? When you two have a kid? I know it's tempting to stay with her because people would rather be together than alone at all costs, but tell her to gtfo, she's not worth the (added) stress, and there are tons of people out here that wouldn't do what she did.

Considering you were about to get married, think of it as you dodging a bullet.

 

[You Pay This Much]

Oh, great! A happy ending!

Also great that things turned out for you two!

Might want to keep reading...

Damn it....
I just wanted to know the outcome and jumped the gun...

 

[Kevtones]

Oh, great! A happy ending!

Also great that things turned out for you two!

Might want to keep reading...

 

[mordecaii83]

And to mordecai... yours is the trusting attitude we all should have in a perfect world, and it's great that you have such a happy marriage. For others, experience tells us we can't afford to give people the benefit of the doubt on this type of thing.

To be honest, I was pretty cynical and just as bad as many in this thread who were saying bail from the very start at one point, so I really get where everyone's coming from. So I made a conscious effort to give people a chance with my ex, and it blew up in my face and I lost all my money, half my possessions, was put in debt, and felt like I couldn't go through that pain ever again.

But I met my wife at work and even though I actively tried to keep myself from liking her I couldn't and everything just fell into place. And it's amazing to me that I have absolute 100% trust in her, I don't think I ever had that with anyone before.

I just don't want it to seem like people shouldn't struggle with it or let their past experiences shape their view, it's impossible not to. I just hope people who have lost some of the ability to trust are able to get it back.

 

[adamsappel]

Never go through another person's phone. They will always turn it around on you and now you are arguing about your behavior and not theirs. Also, the ones who are suspicious/jealous and preemptively make comments about cheating are the most likely to cheat.

 

[Zaphrynn]

What person wouldn't be cynical if their partner was on dating apps? Actively?

Like, go ask regular people in the real world and not GAF if "I'm just making friends!" excuse would fly for any of them.

The infamous "half-truth"

 

[TheContact]

Wake the fuck up OP and move on. She feels guilty about something and deflected it onto you. 1.5 years together and talks of marriage is weird as well..was it her idea? Do you live together for more than 6 months? Either way, time to bail.

 

[Micael]

As I posted before this relationship is already dead, even if by some miracle all those red flags are just illusions you no longer trust her, so what is the point on carrying on, just end it and move on.

 

[Ark]

This thread is getting spicy.

 

[Sodding_Gamer]

Literally just read most of this thread.

OP, leave her. And if it were me. I'd calmly tell her the reasons why that most people have spoke about in your latest update, and then walk away. Don't even let her try and wade her way out of this one. There is shady stuff happening and you're better off with someone else.

You seem like a straight up guy, and have handled this situation better than I would have, and the guilt tripping from her side goes to show she has something to hide.

Get out, hit the gym and swiftly move on from this bint. Hope you're ok man.

 

[Crazyorloco]

My god, be careful with this advice.

I'd say, be ready to accept that you will probably never fully understand the "why" to this situation. If you accept that, it'll be easier in the long run. Especially if she tries to fuck with you mentally and emotionally through gaslighting and shit. If someone is willing to cheat on someone, I'd keep your expectations in check and assume the worst of this person.

But by all means, there are plenty of exceptions. But when I dealt with a cheater, she clearly had emotional issues (which rose red flags in the past but I ignored, love is blind) that led to an insane shit show in the divorce. In trying to get an answer to the "why," I was almost driven insane. Mainly because I wasn't dealing with a normal, emotionally healthy individual. And yes, I was seeing a therapist at this time.

Being introspective at this time is important. Finding your faults and flaws is key as we all have plenty of them. But don't assume that the cheating was caused by flaws of your own (other than perhaps flaws like being overly codependent or something). It's a careful process, by all means. You don't want to undersell yourself, but you don't want to over-inflate your ego. Surround yourself with support. Friends and family you can REALLY trust. People you can ground yourself with. Don't just isolate yourself with your own thoughts as they can be your worst enemy at times.

Yeah I kept trying to figure out the why my girlfriend cheated on me.

That destroyed me.

It will hurt you trying to find out. I kept thinking is it my dick, is it my attractiveness, is it my body type, my personality etc... It was not good for me. Even if you get a reason from her(or him), you will never really truly know if the person is telling the truth (trust was broken with the cheating). I have lower self-esteem because of that relationship, but it has definitely been built back up since then. I had to realize ultimately the problem is not with me. There are just some people in this world that cheat - no matter if you are an awesome person. I accept this now.

OP i bet you had a bunch of red flags prior to finding out. I'm sorry man.

 

[Sickness702]

Translated post seems spot on. Such is life.

If you're shady you find shady ways to do things. I've seen people speak in code many times, hell, I used to do it with my friends when we were trying to do things we weren't supposed to do.

Me: "Hey Mrs. Smith, can Joe come to my families cookout tomorrow? Joe is my best friend and I would love for him to meet some of my family that will be coming from out of town."

What I'm actually saying: "Hey Mrs Smith, can Joe come to the homies smoke out? Joe is my ride or die and I have some hoodrats coming thru."

 

[ironmang]

OP you know what to do:
Get tested.
Get your shit back.
"Sorry this isn't going to work out. Please don't try to contact me."
Block her on everything.
Take some time to mentally reset.
Focus on bettering yourself.
Finally, get back out there when you're ready.

 

[Straight Edge]

People play the trust card when then they're being untrustworthy.

 

[PorygonVandal]

That's classic cheater behavior, try to put blame on you, so no OP, please move on.

 

[pablito]

Ouch, that update. I was rooting for you but that's not good.

 

[kmax]

This whole affair stank from miles away.

They're not friendship apps. They're called dating apps for a reason. Want to connect with friends? Use Facebook.

I'm not going to sit here and define what boundaries people should have in their relationships, but if I ever find out that my partner has been hooking up with random dudes on dating apps, then yeah, I'm going to see those red flags rise sky high. Now she's blaming you, as well.

Get out from there, block her and move on. There are better partners out there.