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[Charade]

Here are my votes!

1. Metaphoreus
2. Mike M
3. Ashes
HM: Azih, Nezumi


I thought there were a lot of great entries this challenge, so it was all very close. I may or may not be able to provide feedback later.

Spoiler

I'm realizing perhaps a bit too late that, unlike these challenges, the CPA exam is not something you should procrastinate for!

 

[Azih]

TheLunarian: I just don't think we got to spend too much time with either the protagonist or his companions. Maybe less time on the bridge fight and more time at the garden itself going through the horror of Darren losing his individuality would have served the story better. The world creation was great though and the story had amazing flow especially considering it was only your second draft.

Aaron: Great spy story and the action and character moments were really well integrated. I really don't have anything more to say than I enjoyed it.

itsinmyviens: Found the story a bit clunky, could have used a bit more editing as I recall. The final act of the main character was a good twist. A bit unbelievable but I think you communicated that he wasn't really mentally stable himself well.

karenq0506: I found it hard to follow. Jumping between timelines and between points of view isn't easy. Especially in such a short space. I didn't find the convesation between the nurse and the other staffer believable though. And there were some odd word choices 'screeched' for example didn't seem like the right word. Yelped maybe instead?

QuantumBro: Liked it a lot. Fully hard boiled police story. Really got into the head of the disgusted ex Police Officer who decided he'd had enough of everything. It's a rally great twin to Aaron's story.

chris.trejo: Really lovely story. It does need a lot more passes and editing though. The only weakness was the language used.

Mike M: I really like the Marty stories that I've read. I think they've kinda run their course though. It's a great note to end on for him I think. Both of his stories that I've read have been great and even the other characters noted that he's finally developed an interesting backbone so he should be happy with his final blorp.

Charade: Hah I really liked it. All the twists were earned and the two characters had great dialogue. Very believable while still including all the conspiracy theory blathering.

Metaphoreus: Too bad this was unfinished because it had a great build up. Just as we were getting to the payoff it ended.

Sober: I liked it. I didn't get too much of a sense of the main character or his current date though through the imagined eyes of his exes. Maybe if they gave me more of a sense of what the guy is like himself I'd like it more. All I got was that he's pretty smooth with the ladies and probably good looking the way the hostess reacted to him. I got a lot clearer idea of his exes though which is interesting.

Ashes: It was a very philosophical piece. I don't know. I found the voice of the main character a bit.. unconvincing? It doesn't sound to me like how someone would speak. I guess it could be how they write though. I was a bit confused about which parts were the main character speaking at the funeral and which ones weren't.

Cyan: As long as the rest of the story maintains the tone and injects some levity I don't think the opening will seem overwrought. Great imagery for sure.

Nezumi: What is with all the great unfinished stories this time? Congrats on becoming an aunt. I think you did a great job in cutting out the middle. It did come off as an abrupt ending but it gets across a lovely moment in time for an ultra rational girl who almost experiences something magical. I really dug it.


Votes:

1. Charade

2. QuantumBro

3. Nezumi

HM Mike M, Aaron, TheLunarian

 

[LaMagenta]

Here are my rankings. Let me know if I need to spoiler tag some of my comments:


"The Last Chapter - The Awakening" by karenq0506. I thought this was well-written, but was a bit put off by its structure. Narration begins in the first person, but then switches to the third person. And that middle section--the part about the breakfast date--seems out of place. Its purpose seems to be to reveal that Amarilis is crazy, but then the next section begins as though the reader doesn't know that yet. Unless the other two characters are otherwise relevant to your story, I think you'd be better off eliminating the breakfast date entirely.

Since this is a short I guess I could have really left out the part about the nurses. My novel is much more detailed with back stories, so it makes more sense there. As far as switching from 1st person to 3rd person, I've read many books that do this, and I thought it would fit in well with describing the world how it really is and what it is for my mc.

 

[LaMagenta]

ThLunarian :

karenq0506: So I'm curious; you say that this is the ending for the novel you've been working on. I'm guessing that the actual copy included in the novel would be edited down a little bit from this one? Seems like it would be weird to drop in the final chapter that the narrator was from Costa Rica unless amnesia plays strongly into the plot : ) I get that the main character had largely been isolated from society for much if not all of her life, but it seemed a bit weird that she would be thinking that she once read about doors in a book once, yet be able to identify the smell of rubbing alcohol and be able to distinguish a florescent light from an incandescent one. I think the parts that were inside Amarilis's head were better than those that weren't, in particular I felt that the conversation between Fran and Wilmer was notably bereft of much actions or descriptions. It was mostly just a large block of dialogue by way of explanation that almost seemed apart from the story, as though we were reading someone's summation of the story that had come before this point rather than the story itself. Also, am I reading this right in that Amarilis's previous nurses had killed themselves or were in prison for trying to kill her? That's an unusual detail that calls attention to itself, fitting for a story that would try and leave it ambiguous as to whether she was actually insane or not, but the final paragraph seemed pretty definitive that it was just in her head.

You are correct about the novel ending being different than my short. I felt I needed to explain things a bit here in order for the reader to understand. So yea I wouldn't go over explaining where she is from because we would already know that The part about reading books...she didn't read. She saw picture books that the Christian Missionaries brought. I switched from 1st to 3rd point of views to explain things she couldn't explain. I did notice the florescent lighting part and such, but it was too late to rewrite! Def a working progress for my novel. The nurses part is part of a large back story. They wouldn't intentionally commit suicide. But by rituals, like voodoo, would end in such tragedy. In the end, the reader knows that something is not right in Amarilis's mind, but Amarilis doesn't know that...and so her murderous rampage continues.

 

[LaMagenta]

votes:


karenq0506 - The storytelling is a little mechanical in the 'this happened, and then this happened' sense. You should try to mix it up more. You end up talking around the story rather than having it be the story. It's a cliche but it's often true. You should show more than you tell. There's a lot of telling in this. The ideas are very good. They deserve a better form.

Thanks, Aaron. That is a great point. As my novel is a working progress, I still have a chance to change things around. I'm going to try making things happen as you say!

 

[LaMagenta]

karenq0506: I found it hard to follow. Jumping between timelines and between points of view isn't easy. Especially in such a short space. I didn't find the convesation between the nurse and the other staffer believable though. And there were some odd word choices 'screeched' for example didn't seem like the right word. Yelped maybe instead?

The conversation between the nurses could use a little help to make it believable. I will work on that. I don't think I used the word screeched. I just did a quick search and didn't find it. Can you clarify?

 

[Azih]

The conversation between the nurses could use a little help to make it believable. I will work on that. I don't think I used the word screeched. I just did a quick search and didn't find it. Can you clarify?

Two places.

Ouch! What was that for?” the man screeched..... Fran smacked Wilmer on his left arm causing him to screech once again.

 

[LaMagenta]

Two places.

Thanks! I'll fix 'em.

 

[LaMagenta]

This is my fourth challenge and I’m glad to see more participants. It’s so refreshing to read all the different writing styles. I still seem to be confusing people. Hopefully, I’ll start to make sense as I progress through other challenges. Here are my votes and feedback. Many great stories, and some that I would have considered for a vote, but unfortunately did not incorporate the theme.
1. Suicide by Mob by QuantumBro
2. A Harsh Whisper in a Storm by Aaron
3. Eternal Garden by chris.trejo
HM: Mike & Nezumi

ThLunariun – Welcome to Paradise Gardens – This was a fun read. Paradise Gardens didn’t seem like a bad idea, even if the robed men were controlling their minds. They are probably better off than in the real world post apocalypse.

**Aaron – A Harsh Whisper in a Storm – I like the wiser female assassin character. It reminded me of Helen Mirren in the movie Red. Very clever way to beat the other assassins to the game.

Itisinmyveins – The Greenhouse Flower Beds – I’m not sure how I feel about your story. It started out with the mc reminiscing of good, warm memories and then he turned into a cold blooded killer. In the end, he was peaceful.

Mike M. – Multiversal Marty – Awesome concept. But perhaps Marty’s road to finding the Author could have added some drama or action through obstacles, but it was still such a clever story I couldn’t stop reading. Also, I did not notice the garden theme.

Azih – Legacy – Sorry, I thought your story was a bit dull. A specific memory with his cousin to show their closeness rather than how different their families were would have helped better connect the characters to the reader.

***QuantumBro – Suicide by Mob – As I was reading this I was imagining it was scene out of Sin City with a character cross between Marv and Hartigan. I think it would fit right in to that type of genre, which I find to be very entertaining.

*Chris.trejo – Eternal Garden – Love the supernatural tale of a garden bringing back the people you love, because why would you want to wish for anything else. I feel the pain and emotional conflict of your mc. I’m curious though, where did Josie and James go?

Charade – Rekindle – Extra points for doing the poetry challenge. Double points for mentioning Ancient Aliens (my fav pastime). I’m confused about the italic narrating. What was your purpose behind that? Also, I didn’t notice the garden theme.

Metaphoreus – The Red Token – The story is well written. I like the flow and description for what your character does for a living. I am a little confused as to what type of world they live in. I thought maybe apocalyptic, but then there was a sorcerer at the end. Also, I did not notice the garden theme.

Sober – Second Date – Seems like your mc has a lot of issues to clear up before he starts dating again lol but overall an interesting read about a boy waiting on a date alone with his thoughts. I think it lacked depth though. Also, I did not notice the garden theme.

Ashes - toi et moi nous sommes amis – Ashes, where are you located? My guess is you’re French (given the title) and from your past stories I've noticed your style of writing is European. Awesome to have such a long reach within our writing community. Having said that, I would have liked your story to have a more emotional connection. The end was clear that they were friends and both cared for each other. However, I didn’t quite get that feeling from the rest of the story.

Cyan – Red Queen – Incomplete, but better something than nothing. Your narrative descriptions are always top notch. I’ve yet to master that. You paint a great description of the cabin, the woods, and the woman. Not sure I understand the first sentence? A stranger arriving at the cabin is your last sentence. Because your mc is an old woman, perhaps a youthful soul should arrive. And as she is the Red Queen (I presume) she may want to steal her youth by means of blood. Sounds a bit cliché doesn’t it? You decide as you are the author in this story! But there must be blood for the Red Queen!

Nezumi – The Gardener – First of all, Congratulations on being a soon to be aunt! Extra points for doing the poetry challenge as well. I thought your story had a wonderful childlike feeling. You captured the heart of a child and how they would feel to own a garden they thought no one tended to but remained immaculate. That would make it a magical place. I almost thought it would end with a disappointing reality that her parents hired a gardener to tend to the garden, but I’m glad the magic was recreated with a fairytale gardener type character.

Tangent – Racing to the fall – Tangent, being unhealthily addicted to writing is a wonderful thing! I stopped writing for a long time for personal reasons. I started again and have been continuously participating for the last 4 challenges. I’m going to visit the Chichen Itza ruins next week on my trip to Cancun and was not planning on joining the next challenge. But now I feel ashamed Thank you for that! Even though your story is late, it deserves to be read and reviewed if it meant you spent part of your vacation writing it. Your story was probably inspired by a trip; a roaring rapids adventure with a bit of mystical imagination. I definitely felt like I was going down the river myself.

 

[Himynameischris]

My votes:

1. Metaphoreus - The Red Token
2. Karenq0506 - The Last Chaper - The Awakening
3. Ashes - Toi et moi nous sommes amis

I would love to review and critique everyone but I have school work I need to finish for my class tomorrow.

*Chris.trejo – Eternal Garden – Love the supernatural tale of a garden bringing back the people you love, because why would you want to wish for anything else. I feel the pain and emotional conflict of your mc. I’m curious though, where did Josie and James go?

Thanks! Maybe they'll show up in a future challange ; )

 

[ThLunarian]

School work and bed time conspire to make me unable to critique, sorry.

1. QuantumBro - Suicide by Mob
2. Mike M - Multiversal Marty
3. Metaphoreus - The Red Token

 

[Sober]

Votes

1. Azih - Legacy
2. QuantumBro - Suicide by Mob
3. Ashes - Toi et moi nous sommes amis.

HMs: Mike M, Charade

 

[Tangent]

I'm just gonna fit in as many crits as I can while I'm online and traveling, so I won't vote. (I don't think I'm eligible to vote anyway.)

ThLunarian -- Welcome to Paradise Gardens: Aaah, Washington State. You won me over with the setting! I love the Pacific Northwest. I was more captivated in the second half of the story and there were parts in the middle that seemed slightly choppier than the beginning and end. I very much liked the ending and the way you explained it. It made me smile and was very well written. How did the two girls get away from it? Also, I was a little uncertain about the part about superpowers and how they worked. It sounded interesting and I would have liked more detail on it.

Aaron -- A Harsh Whisper in a Storm: Wow this was a fun read with action that was easy to follow. I also really liked the analogy between gardening and political conflict. I didn't realize until the end that it was set in the future, but that didn't seem to disturb the flow of the story.

ItsInMyVeins -- The Greenhouse Flower Beds: Wow this was really interesting and thought-provoking. I was more captivated by the second half than the description of the garden in the first half. But I think building up Jake's need for calm -- at all costs -- was important in the beginning, and it was cool to see that part of his personality unfold as the story went on. It was unexpected as well, which was nice. It might be fun to wiggle with how you expose Jake's crazy side.

Wow I'm so thrilled to receive unexpected feedback! I wasn't counting on that since I'm ineligible, so thanks.

Tangent: Echolocation is the act of making noise and determining position from the echos, not listing to noise and trying to figure out where it's coming from : ) Also, wouldn't call twigs a "land creature" on account that they're not creatures. I enjoyed the larger than life depictions of the things that the twigs encountered as though from their perspective ("dragons" and "goblins" and such), and was honestly expecting it to all be a setup for a contrast for when they realized that going over the falls was not such a big deal on account that they were sticks that would float and not have enough force of impact to suffer any real harm. But then the kid comes back and "saves" them, kinda validating the threat in their eyes, I suppose. Whatever floats your boat, kid. Personally, I would have sent a whole armada over the edge of the water fall because that would seem much cooler to watch : P

Oops you're right about echolocation! I had to crack up when you mentioned how they would have fallen and not hurt themselves because honestly, that didn't even occur to me! OOPS! That's pretty funny. It would have been interesting, then, to see how the twigs would have reacted to an actual fall. But maybe anticlimactic. I think I wanted the kid to save them because of how the twigs were so sure of how their lives would pan out. Yeah, about the dragons and goblins: I wish I could have built that up more but didn't know how. Yeah, a whole armada would have been cooler to watch, tis true.

Tangent - While this is already pretty short, I can't help thinking it would have worked better if it had ended almost right after the second warning about the falls. There's a lovely transition between the boy and the twigs, but I feel like you establish their world so well and so quickly that it starts losing some of its magic as the piece goes on.

This is really interesting feedback. I didn't realize that the transitions were well established. And now I'm left to ponder how you keep the magic going... I suppose that in longer novels with magic, there is new magic that is presented along the way. Is that the ticket? I don't know.

 

[Aaron]

This is really interesting feedback. I didn't realize that the transitions were well established. And now I'm left to ponder how you keep the magic going... I suppose that in longer novels with magic, there is new magic that is presented along the way. Is that the ticket? I don't know.

Depends on the story I guess. I liken your piece to Fantasia, whose form is closer to music where each section is a movement that blends into the next, much like in your story the boy's POV becomes the sticks. If you had transitioned to the frog or another character, and then onto another, and eventually back to the boy that way it would have worked as a longer story.

 

[QuantumBro]

1. ThLunarian
2. Ashes
3. Charade

ThLunarian - Welcome to Paradise Gardens: Really enjoyed it, but I'm a sucker for post-apocalyptic settings with a touch of weird. It felt like a quest from Fallout 3, except with superpowers. Why did his friends give up on him so soon without putting up a fight?

Aaron - A Harsh Whisper in a Storm: The fight between all the assassins was fun. I liked the twist with the weapons in the fake hand.

itsinmyveins - The Greenhouse Flower Beds: That went from calm to dark and then back to calm to finish. The two men and the money mean nothing to him , all he wants is peace and quiet.

Azih - Legacy : Nicely told story, but I think it focused too much on the main character than the Uncle.

karenq0506 - The Last Chapter - The Awakening: It was a bit confusing, but considering it's the last chapter of a book I haven't read, that's understandable. Though it didn't seem like it had much of an ending, I was expecting her to try to break out.

chris.trejo - Eternal Garden: The time lapse between midnight and sunrise was sudden. It seems like in one paragraph it's midnight and in the next the sun is rising.

Mike M - Multiversal Marty: I liked how he was popping through all the different stories, very fast and fun. I read the other ones afterwards to get a better understanding for the settings.

Charade - Rekindle: The way you used the poem within the story was well done. I also enjoyed the dialogue between the two characters.

Metaphoreus - The Red Token: Interesting setup, wish it didn't end so soon.

Sober - Second Date: I was a bit confused with all the conversations. Was he reminiscing about the past, or just imagining how other dates would go?

Ashes - Toi et moi nous sommes amis.: Really well written, it felt like a kid was writing it. I especially like how the kid interpreted all the quotes on war.

Cyan - Red Queen: It fell like the rest of the story was going to be about the stranger thinking about which path to take and the queen telling him a story about each path. If that's the case, I would save the descriptions of the paths for a bit later.

Nezumi - The Gardener: Liked the comparison between all the different types of gardens and how not being perfect made the garden perfect. I wish we would've learned more about the old man.

Tangent - Racing to the Fall: It was neat having the story be told from the perspective of the twig and seeing how they interpreted the surrounds into their own fantasy world.

Wanted to meet the deadly with votes, I'll update with the other critiques in a few minutes. Finished.

 

[Cyan]

1. Ashes - "Toi et moi nous sommes amis."
2. Charade - "Rekindle"
3. Mike M - "Multiversal Marty"

 

[itsinmyveins]

ItsInMyVeins -- The Greenhouse Flower Beds: Wow this was really interesting and thought-provoking. I was more captivated by the second half than the description of the garden in the first half. But I think building up Jake's need for calm -- at all costs -- was important in the beginning, and it was cool to see that part of his personality unfold as the story went on. It was unexpected as well, which was nice. It might be fun to wiggle with how you expose Jake's crazy side.

Ah, some positive critique. Thanks

I'm not sure how I view Jake to be honest. His extremely irrational behavior might have been bubbling under the surface for long and this was just the last drop. Maybe he just saw red in this instant because his longing for peace was broken so unexpectedly, or maybe he was just swept away in things.

I thought he was a good guy in general and throughout his life, but in this instance – late in life, tired of society – he just couldn't deal with the place which he saw as a last bastion of peace being disgraced in such a way. That he'd opt for violence isn't the most rational thing to do, but on the other hand there are a lot of countries which still have a death penalty to punish murder which, I think, is sort of irrational. Maybe the same rationale could be at work there.

 

[Azih]

Thanks for the feedback all. It's always nice just to get comments and any HMs or votes are just icing (Thanks for the first place vote Sober). I think I fall into writing pieces that are more character studies than stories. I did enjoy the longer limit personally.

 

[Charade]

Charade – Rekindle – Extra points for doing the poetry challenge. Double points for mentioning Ancient Aliens (my fav pastime). I’m confused about the italic narrating. What was your purpose behind that? Also, I didn’t notice the garden theme.

Ah, the italics were just character thoughts. So Jack's thoughts most of the way through and Johnny's at the end. "Untagged" I think it's called? I think a smarter way to do it is to have dialogue tags in the beginning (so: Guess he didn't hear me, he thought) and then drop the tags later once it's established that they're thoughts. So thanks for pointing that out! As for the theme, I tried to connect it to the idiom "led down the garden path," though you're not the first to point this out so I probably didn't do that great a job at it

And screw studying D), here's some feedback/impressions/ramblings:

ThLunarian - Welcome to Paradise Gardens: Was this a sequel to your last entry? Or set in the same world I mean? Everyone having some sort of power (or mostly everyone) reminded me of it.

Aaron - A Harsh Whisper in a Storm: The action was really well written. I did find some of the gardening references a bit jarring, but I also felt that if a reader wasn’t aware of the prompt while reading your entry, it wouldn’t have been noticeable really. Just would've been an added quirk.

itsinmyveins - The Greenhouse Flower Beds: I actually thought what Jake did at the end was believable within his character, for the most part. Though I can see why others wanted a bit more.

Azih – Legacy: Solid, heartfelt story. I agree with some of the other comments that there was maybe a bit too much exposition about the family and not enough about his time living with his cousin, but I did enjoy it all the same. Felt very real.

karenq0506 - The Last Chapter - The Awakening: I surprised by how much I was able to follow considering it’s the planned last chapter of a novel. Obviously you put in things to help us understand more, things you’d probably take out in the final version. It got quite dark too, which I liked, especially those flashbacks.

QuantumBro - Suicide by Mob: I liked the cigarette talk and how the last line referenced back to it. I also liked the “fight” at the end.

chris.trejo - Eternal Garden: I liked the mystery at the end, in terms of what happened to them. Did they pass on, maybe?

Mike M - Multiversal Marty: Hacking and quesadillas! Like Metaphoreus said, it made me want to go read the stories for the other challenges.

Charade – Rekindle: While writing this my biggest worry was the ending, but in its entirety (or, essentially, the starting point: Jack dying). I went back and forth on whether I was going to do it or not, but the stranger character was always part of the equation if I was going to do it. So I'm glad both Mike and Metamorpheus pointed out why the character didn’t exactly work for them to kick me out of this tunnel vision.

Metaphoreus: The Red Token: This was really neat. Amazing how just changing names and a few words can obscure what’s really going on (and I thought the contract terms at the beginning were clever in terms of accomplishing this goal as well). Also, I’m jealous of your formatting . And one more thing; I have no idea why, but before figuring it all out, I got the sense that it was a sci-fi setting. Crazy I know. I was actually getting some 40k vibes from it… but maybe that’s just because Azih’s opening line was still stuck in my head

Sober - Second Date: Once I realized that he was in a semi-dreamlike state (I think he was?), I enjoyed it, let it kinda take me along for the ride.

Ashes - Toi et moi nous sommes amis: This was great. Very dense, I would say. Like every sentence or every other sentence has power/impact, bringing a new little nuance to the story. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but that’s just the feeling I had while reading.

Cyan - Red Queen: I thought it was interesting. Even in this short form I can already envision how it may tie back to your poem from the poetry thread. As for how it would unfold, my guess would an extended dialogue between the stranger and the woman, about the paths? And she imparts the same wisdom/message found at the end of your poem? (“There was only one path you followed..&#8221.

Nezumi - The Gardener: This felt less abrupt than I thought it was going to be given your comments. Also, I think my favorite part was, after reading it, going back and re-reading your accompanying poem. That was really cool how they connected.

Tangent - Racing to the Fall: This was really cool and the poem at the end was just great as well. I really got the sense that you were directly inspired by something you saw during your trip.

 

[Mike M]

Last call for votes (even though we're way over the deadline by now)...

 

[Nezumi]

Not gonna make it. Thanks for the feedback everyone.

 

[Ashes]

Home straight.

 

[ThLunarian]

Thanks for the votes and feedback guys. To respond to some of the comments:

-I probably should have thought to name the highway that the protagonists travel on. Not doing so was just a product of me rushing through the writing. And believe it or not, I spent like 10 minutes just trying to come up with a good way to describe Binocular Girl's powers, to no avail.

-Yes, this is set in the same world as in my previous story (about the red idol in Hawaii). Now that you mention it, this whole concept probably would work better as a comic book. Since I can't draw though, short stories will have to do for now

-The main character's memory of the confrontation with his friends is hazy and incomplete, so we don't really know how long they stayed behind to try and get him to come along. They didn't know how much time they had though, or whether the brainwashed people would try to physically stop them (plus they could have known things that the main character didn't), so they couldn't afford to stay too long.

 

[Mike M]

Holding the door for Ashes, as this could go a few different ways still...

 

[Himynameischris]

chris.trejo - Eternal Garden: The time lapse between midnight and sunrise was sudden. It seems like in one paragraph it's midnight and in the next the sun is rising.

Yeah the idea I was going for was the wait up to midnight taking longer then the hours he spent in the garden at least from his perspective but I didn't really come through, I should have expanded on that.

chris.trejo - Eternal Garden: I liked the mystery at the end, in terms of what happened to them. Did they pass on, maybe?

Originally I was going to end the story with him entering the garden so I don't really have an idea of where they could have gone. Maybe I'll explore that in another challenge.

 

[Ashes]

Y'll sure do have a fondness for words. It's like reading a novella this week!

Edit:

1. Azih - a bit crude and needs redraft
2. Sober- writer or day dreamer or something else entirely I couldn't really tell.
3. Charade - silly but lively and quite interesting too boot!
Hm. Cyan - a new string to your bow!
Hm. Mike- a bit too meta.
Hm. Metaphorious - middle dragged on. PS. <3 the prose
Hm. Thlunarian - too long.

 

[Tangent]

Depends on the story I guess. I liken your piece to Fantasia, whose form is closer to music where each section is a movement that blends into the next, much like in your story the boy's POV becomes the sticks. If you had transitioned to the frog or another character, and then onto another, and eventually back to the boy that way it would have worked as a longer story.

Insightful comparison. I think you might be right about the different POVs. I'll look out for that more when reading other stories. Thanks.

 

[Cyan]

The Results:
1st Place: Metaphoreus - The Red Token
2nd Place: Ashes - Toi et moi nous sommes amis.
3rd Place: Mike M - Multiversal Marty

Vote Count:
Metaphoreus - 15 (4)
Ashes - 14 (2)
Mike M - 13 (2)
Charade - 11 (1)
QuantumBro - 10 (2)
Azih - 7 (2)
ThLunarian - 5 (1)
Aaron - 3
karenq0506 - 2
Sober - 2
chris.trejo - 1
Nezumi - 1


Wow, as close as it gets without outright ties! Congrats, Metaphoreus. First entry, and first win! It is now up to you to make the next challenge.

 

[Metaphoreus]

Thanks! And thanks for everyone who left comments! It was insightful to see the different reactions to different stories.

I'll try to have the next thread up within the hour--otherwise it won't be until later this evening.

 

[Cyan]

FWIW, I loved your story right up until I figured out what it was really about, which killed it for me since the twist kind of was the story. The introductory legal bit, the early conversations were interesting and well-written: I really wanted to see the rest of the story that those promised. (I'd say this bodes well for future stories.)

 

[Charade]

Whoa, that's crazy close.

Congrats Metaphoreus!

 

[Mike M]

 

[Blargonaut]

Gah, didn't finish mine at all... I'll definitely try harder to participate in the next one. I read some great entries here.

Congrats Metaphoreus!

 

[Metaphoreus]

Thanks again, everyone.

The new challenge is up.