Support NeoGAF

[Nezumi]

You don't get closure.

A quick Google search taught me two things.
One, Mike didn't draw the sexy turtle.
Two, let's all be thankful he didn't choose the first image Google spits out for sexy turtle.

 

[FlowersisBritish]

Thanks for the feedback. I wonder how I could have made her response to the awkwardness and especially her SynerMe a bit more explicit. This is what I was trying to go for: the notion that she felt some interest in this guy, even though it couldn't be explained logically. It was something that couldn't be captured in an algorithm and her device was telling her that it was a waste of time. Now, she had a fleeting moment of raw human nature, but she's spent her entire life not thinking for herself. People have the device neurally implanted at birth. So, it'd be very unnatural to ignore this raging voice in her head telling her to quit it, and also, to ignore the addictive lure of the points. In a sense, there is no character flip, because she hasn't had a chance to develop any character -- outside of what SynerMe thinks is appropriate for her -- or really, any free will of her own. If you have any ideas of how I could make that more apparent, please let me know!

This might be the cynic in me, but I think that there aren't really inexplicable things people end up really liking. I think that those things are actually very explainable, they're just secretly (or not so secretly) kind of bad, and we know it, but we can't help liking them anyway. As an example, one of my Ex's started talking to me because I was smoking on the sidewalk with a friend. She knew smoking was bad, but despite knowing that, thought I looked kinda cool anyways.

In context to your story, maybe she finds his awkwardness funny? Every time he did a dumb thing, she got a slight laugh with the device going in her head "That's not funny. That's a warning sign" I think a thing that's kind of missing is Ashok doesn't do anything. He says hi, smiles, and then sits down with a twinkle in his eye and does nothing and Renee is getting flustered with him. I can't imagine a date in our world going well like this. I get what you want to do, but I really think Ashok should try and interact at least some, albeit badly, or even have some other positive attribute that shouldn't be a saving grace but kind of is. I don't think the twinkle in the eye is enough. Try basing it a bit off on your own bad dates? Why were they bad? Was there anything that saved them or at least made them better? The best sci-fi has one firm foot in the current world, and I do think your story has that firm foot, I just think you should lean on it a bit more.

As for the ending (just to touch upon it a bit more) after reading about what you were trying to do, I I like the spirit of the ending even if I didn't like the execution. I think the issue is you don't prime the reader enough for the conflict. It's a clear person v. world style conflict where even though Renee likes this guy her device (the world) is saying it is an inefficient use of time. I don't think we get enough of an idea of the world end to justify her choice at the end. Will people treat her worse with a low score? Does she get benefits with a high score? Why is the score so important outside of personal merit?

Again, I still really liked this story and if you're looking for a novel idea, this definitely seems like a world you can work with. Hope my comments help!

A quick Google search taught me two things.
One, Mike didn't draw the sexy turtle.
Two, let's all be thankful he didn't choose the first image Google spits out for sexy turtle.

I just googled it and choked a bit on my coffee.

 

[Alucard]

If the next writing challenge theme isn't turtles, we have failed as a community.

 

[LaMagenta]

A kid's show where they go around saving ocean creatures. Seeing as how I once upon a time was going to go into marine biology (and even still, my zoology degree was mostly marine stuff), I approve of it most heartily. One of the characters is a cat wearing an eyepatch (even though he has both eyes...) going on about his grandpa Calico Jack.

Sounds adorable!

 

[Nezumi]

So, should we keep waiting or call it a day and move on. I have tomorrow off and since it is raining like stupid at the moment so there is no reason to leave the house, I decided that I want to give thishaving a first draft on the first day an honest try. I have the votes ready to be posted just say the word.

Edit: And it's highly unlikely or even impossible for the outcome to change much actually.

 

[Alucard]

So, should we keep waiting or call it a day and move on. I have tomorrow off and since it is raining like stupid at the moment so there is no reason to leave the house, I decided that I want to give thishaving a first draft on the first day an honest try. I have the votes ready to be posted just say the word.

Edit: And it's highly unlikely or even impossible for the outcome to change much actually.

Ashes? Ward? Coffee Express?

You guys gonna vote or that's game?

 

[choodi]

I say call it. Let's move on

 

[Nezumi]

OK, let's just call it!

The results:

1.) Charade- A Journal from the Ruins of Yeniseysk
2.) Frekifox7 - To Have and to Keep
3.) Alucard - Ageless Wonder

Vote count:

Charade - 18 (4)
Frekifox7 - 8 (2)
Alucard - 7 (2)
Mike M - 7
Ward - 6 (1)
Tangent - 5 (1)
Dongs Macabre - 2
Ashes - 1


Congratulations Charade for a clear victory and a great comeback! Looking forward to write about sexy turtles the next topic!

 

[Alucard]

New thread is in your hands, Charade. Congrats!

 

[Charade]

Thanks guys! Good to be back. Was lurking on and off but had trouble committing. Trying to change that.

Here's the new thread:

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1411165

 

[Tangent]

This might be the cynic in me, but I think that there aren't really inexplicable things people end up really liking.... She knew smoking was bad, but despite knowing that, thought I looked kinda cool anyways.

In context to your story, maybe she finds his awkwardness funny? ...The best sci-fi has one firm foot in the current world, and I do think your story has that firm foot, I just think you should lean on it a bit more.

As for the ending ... It's a clear person v. world style conflict where even though Renee likes this guy her device (the world) is saying it is an inefficient use of time... I don't think we get enough of an idea of the world end to justify her choice at the end. Will people treat her worse with a low score? Does she get benefits with a high score? Why is the score so important outside of personal merit?

Again, I still really liked this story and if you're looking for a novel idea, this definitely seems like a world you can work with. Hope my comments help!

I just googled it and choked a bit on my coffee.

Wow, thanks so much!!!!! This is really great. I will make note of all of this. It makes perfect sense. I like the idea of having more interaction between the two characters and also her kind of laughing at the device's advice, AND explaining her motivation to listening to the device. Also, I really liked your opening example of how your ex thought it was sexy to see you smoke, and how illogical that is. Good point. That definitely could tie into this story.

Anyway, thanks for all this feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to think about this critically and provide such a thoughtful response!

And yes, I just looked up "sexy turtle" too and I thought the third one was pretty funny.

Tangent, DEFINITELY don't watch the very first episode. Season 3 episode 1 is where you want to go. Most of the show has a much harder edge to it, but this one is creepy in a whole different way, and it's watchable for old aunties.

OK thanks for the tip, Alucard!

... I once upon a time was going to go into marine biology (and even still, my zoology degree was mostly marine stuff)...

So cool that you studied zoology! Fun fact: someone that I went to high school with teaches at Monterey State University and her husband works at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. Their kids, of course, will end up hating sea urchins.

Spoiler

(And octopi, otters, and probably surfing, the sand, and the ocean.)

 

[Cyan]

Thanks for the feedback. Above and beyond the call of duty there.