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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #86 - "Human Interest"

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S

Sober

Member
John opened his eyes and stared up at the cabin roof deep in thought. The smell of sex had drifted away during the night. He heard the whistle of the wind outside. Must be a draft somewhere, he thought. He lay still, only turning his head to stare at Jane, still asleep. He dared not disturb her slumber.

She looked so beautiful while asleep.

We were gone for so long but the only evidence of that are our clothes that look way worse for wear than they should.

I think I need to take a piss.

John lay in silence, trying to piece together what happened the other night - that Friday evening to be exact. There was a light – no, before that. I wanted to sit by the lake, take it all in, maybe it’d help me. That’s where I met Jane. What a coincidence, she just happened to be walking by and we’d gotten to talking. Then that light. Why the hell did we walk through … no it swallowed us up, right? It was so long ago, but it was just the other day … at the same time.

He thought about the months he and Jane spent elsewhere, yet for all intents and purposes, the calendar only moved two days. Sunday morning. Sun. The sun is going to be up soon. I guess we really didn’t have any time to talk after being brought back; we were too busy being all over one another. Neither John nor Jane understood where they went and why they needed their help. Why him, a greeting card writer? Why her, an employee at a call centre? Weren’t there people more … qualified to help?

The sun hit Jane’s face and it woke her up instantly. She turned and smiled to John. I don’t think I could ever explain all of this to anyone else. All the memories of her and John came flooding back. She wasn’t sure if they’d even be able to come back. After the first couple of months in that elsewhere, they knew each other better than they knew themselves.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, the sun always wakes me up like that,” she yawned out, “if you kept the curtains closed I could’ve dozed the entire day.”

“Quick bathroom run,” John got up and headed for the washroom, “you just stay there and relax.”

Relax? So much for that relaxing weekend I was looking forward to. I really don’t want to head back to work tomorrow. After all that, I have to head back to a boring, dead-end job? Sometimes I wish we could’ve stayed. What were we talking about just before we started our crazy adventure? Right, John was telling me about how he wanted to just get away, hopefully some inspiration from nature to help his writing. Me? I was just walking by looking for a quiet place to sit under the stars. City life can be so suffocating sometimes. You can’t really see the stars in the city.

John came back and crawled into bed. “I really didn’t have any plans for the weekend, plus it’s pretty early. When was the last time we even had a good night’s rest? The number of times we had someone stand guard for us was way too many.” said John.

“Well, I know the number of times we slept under a roof I can count on one hand.” replied Jane.

“I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow, but I have to leave early to prepare for a meeting Monday.”

“How could you back to work after all that?” Jane was looking for an answer but all John could do was shrug his shoulders.

During their adventure, they both realized they lived in the same city, not too far from each other. The thought didn’t cross any of their minds until now.

“Hey, I don’t want to leave either, but I need to prepare for my meeting tomorrow, so I have to start heading back to the city. How about lunch Wednesday… say at Coleraine’s?”

“Sure, Wednesday,” replied Jane, “but … you remember that fair that passed through … I don’t know how long ago – it got me thinking, there is a state fair next week. We never got the chance to go to one, how about that?”

“Yeah, I like it. I figure it’ll be tamer than what we got used to.” John gave her a quick kiss then started collecting his clothes off the floor.

After watching John get dressed, Jane lay back in bed thinking of all the things they had gone through. All those months in two days … that’s going to be tough to explain. Just last night – that, I need to still process. We did so much over there … how can I just go back to my daily routine like that? Jane couldn’t get the last thought out of her mind. I could do so much more.

===​
“Here you go sir, ma’am … enjoy your meal.” said the waitress.

“Sir? Ma’am? Kind of fancy, isn’t it?” Jane quipped.

“Beats whatever they called us over there.” replied John.


“So, how did Robbie take it?” asked John.

“Shit,” Jane replied, “I haven’t gotten the chance to speak to him. Damnit, John I’m so sorry but—“

“Yeah, it might sort of hard to explain how you have to dump him over some guy you met over the weekend. But is two weeks really going steady? Just curious.” asked John.

“I promise I’ll deal with it. So, how about a movie tonight or something at my place? It isn’t someone singing at an inn or a campfire tale but I sure missed being able the watch movies.”

“Sorry Jane, they’ve got me working pretty hard this week. But I am still up for that fair on Saturday.”

After lunch, they both went their respective ways back to work but both felt uneasy about earlier. Over there, everything was simple. Sometimes dangerous but simple, easy. They could tell each other anything - maybe because their lives depended on it, or maybe because they might not see each other again. But now?

John suddenly felt a surge of regret. Why couldn’t I tell her? I hope she believed me; I really am busy. Promotion to head writer is a big deal, why couldn’t I mention it? We’ve been through thick and thin for all that time, isn’t that enough? Why couldn’t she just tell Robbie that it was over? So simple, no explanation needed, just “I’m not feeling it” or something, right?

Jane’s thoughts raced while at work. She kept scribbling on a pad on what to say to Robbie. Sure, it’s only been two weeks with him. We aren’t even that serious. Hell, I almost forgot all about him. How come I can’t just let him down easy? John, John, John … are you really busy? We were practically joined at the hip over there but now all he can tell me is that he’s really busy? Is he trying to avoid me? No, that doesn’t make sense … ugh. ‘Robbie, I don’t want to lead you on but –’, no that sounds stupid.

===​
Jane caught John waving in the distance by the fair gates.

“I have your ticket right here!” John yelled, waving a pair of tickets. Jane raced towards him.

“I told him the other day – Robbie,” Jane said, “and to be fair, he was kinda a douche about it.”

“I guess sooner rather than later right?” Jane giggled in response to John’s question.

There it was, that familiar feeling, they both thought.

“C’mon, I’ve been meaning to show you my mean throwing arm.” John pointed at the fair games.

“You know, last time I checked, I was the one who tossed the rock at the guy behind you just in time.” wagging her finger at John.

“You’re never going to let that go, are you?” John smiled.

“What was his name again?”

“The Black Rider.” John replied, and then all of a sudden Jane burst into laughter.

“He was already unhappy to see us but when we started laughing at him being a clich酔

“I don’t think they had clichés over there.” said John, failing to suppress his laughter.

For the whole day, both John and Jane were focused on trying to say something important. They kept reciting it in their heads, trying not to betray their thoughts to one another. John wanted so much to tell her about his promotion. Jane had wanted so much to say something about how she wanted to quit her job and pursue something better.

By sunset, both John and Jane were covered head to toe carrying souvenirs from the day’s events.

“You know, I hope we didn’t win too much stuff. I don’t want to get pulled over by the cops because I have too much stuff blocking my view.” said Jane.

“On that subject,” John chuckled, “how was it coming back to driving? I was terrible after coming back. I was about to go look for the nearest stable or rent a carriage.” Jane chuckled in return.

Finally, Jane broke her unspoken silence. “Look, I have something important I need to say.” John immediately turned to attention.

“I’ve been thinking a lot after we got back,” Jane continued, “that I can do better than this dead-end job I’m in. I want to quit. Hell, you should quit too, we could go--” John immediately stopped her.

“Stop right … stop right there. Listen, I know you don’t think much about my job but that is just insulting,” his confusion quickly turning into anger, “because I was meaning to tell you they promoted me to head writer earlier this week. Yes, I still write silly greeting cards but this is a promotion and a pay raise and I like what I do.”

For a minute it was silent as the both of them let their conversation-turned-argument sink in. It wasn’t their first argument but this time there wasn’t anything at risk but their relationship.

Again, it was Jane who broke the silence. “Look … maybe I was a bit too … rash with calling your job dead-end--”

“Yes, I like my job very much Jane. They don’t just take anyone who dicks around all day to be head writer.”

“Alright then, truce? Can we just drop it? I mean,” she sighed before continuing, “we’ve been through way worse. Like, we-could-actually-die worse. You know, like the time with that big dude?”

“Okay, the guide told him not to call him an oaf or mention how ugly he was. Or laugh at his voice.” John began to light up, trying to suppress a smile, as if this moment should be too serious for one.

Jane tried to lighten the mood, “Didn’t know you were related then.”

“Fine,” John surrendered, “truce. I guess we both overreacted. Listen, not to say what we did wasn’t amazing because …” John paused to gather his thoughts.

“Okay, you remember, I told you this a while back. I had writer’s block. I couldn’t come up with anything for even a stupid birthday card. But then the entire time we were there – everything we saw – when we came back, it was just … I could write again.”

“Since we’re being honest,” continued Jane, “I didn’t feel like I had any purpose in life but that adventure showed me – as corny as it sounds – I can be so much more. I can do much better than working at a stupid call-centre, bothering people during dinner.”

Again, it was silent for a moment. Then John broke the silence.

“So, how about a movie at my place? And then after we can figure out what you want to do and maybe how to make a dramatic exit at your job?”

“Sure, what did you have in mind?”
 
D

DumbNameD

Member
With Interest (~1190 Words)

The building was a dump. Like His Almighty squatted down low and clapped his cheeks to plop down six stories of brick into the city. It was hard to figure what it was from the outside. Maybe an apartment, maybe a rundown office building. I could never tell these days. These things change like underwear.

I went around back. A man leaned against the frame of the door. With a cigarette hung off the side of his mouth and a crew cut atop his head, he smoked like he was Joe Camel. I knew I didn't want to make a scene, but I itched for a fight. I headed for the door with my hands in my jacket pockets, but he stepped in front of me. He tried to push me back, but I don't budge. I rarely budge.

(Continued...)
http://tidypub.org/NGTzj
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Rustbucket (1990)

It was small for a courtroom. The ceiling was low, the synth-mahogany balustrade before the bench shorter than Hal would've expected. The bench itself was the highest thing in the room, but not enough to intimidate. The jury box was too small to fit more than three, and was covered over with a large cloth. The ornate door behind the bench didn't look as though it had ever been used. A small version of the planet's flag--no, the station's flag--flew from a corner of the bench. And beside the bench--wait, was that a Go board on the table behind the bench?

Hal stretched to look and the shackle system kicked in, forcing him back to a sitting position.

[link to full story removed]
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Tim the Wiz said:
I declare tidypub victory.
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Heh. I was fighting with tinypaste for a while on this one, trying to get italics and whatnot to work. Also, they seem to have removed (haha!) the ability to remove things automatically after a set period of time, which was one of the features I found most compelling about the site. Bah.

Get tidypub to institute a password system and I'm on board.
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
Tidypub looks much cleaner and was a bit easier to use. I tried both before I settled on it. A password system would be nice, though.
 
P

Puddles

Banned
I think I might have had a breakthrough with the novel. Unfortunately it meant I couldn't write a story for this challenge. But I like what I did today. It kind of pushes the novel a little further into sci-fi territory, but in a "found technology" way.

Anyway, congrats to everyone who wrote a story. At this point, I really want to finish this damn book so I can work on other ideas.

Kind of funny story: in my novel I've been playing with the idea of having the alien creatures be drawn to radio signals. Today I had the idea that maybe they could have a sort of organic means of communicating over radio waves, which to outside observers would appear to be telepathy. Then I thought that maybe humans could pick up on this if they had radios. Then I remembered that Silent Hill exists. So I scrapped the whole idea. It's always funny when you have that moment of "Holy shi... no, that's from ____"
 
J

John Dunbar

correct about everything
B

British Monsoon

Member
Cheap plug for the Poetry Challenge;

The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Chalenge #40: Homelessness

Puddles said:
Then I remembered that Silent Hill exists. So I scrapped the whole idea. It's always funny when you have that moment of "Holy shi... no, that's from ____"
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Hah, I know the feeling - I'm always coming up with ideas and then realising, "oh wait, that's _____ meets _____" or "this just sounds like a bad movie starring Mark Wahlberg". It's near impossible to shrug off all the influences and ideas you've acquired over the years and come up with something truly original, especially in science fiction, I find.
 
G

Grakl

Member
Bootaaay said:
Cheap plug for the Poetry Challenge;

The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Chalenge #40: Homelessness



Hah, I know the feeling - I'm always coming up with ideas and then realising, "oh wait, that's _____ meets _____" or "this just sounds like a bad movie starring Mark Wahlberg". It's near impossible to shrug off all the influences and ideas you've acquired over the years and come up with something truly original, especially in science fiction, I find.
Click to expand...

Guillermo del Toro (such an awesome writer) says that every story has already been told - the only thing that truly matters today is context. Context changes everything. You may think what you write is unoriginal, but if the setting changes, then so does everything else.
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
C

Cyan

Banned
Bootaaay - "Clean"- Generally good writing and sense of character. Main trouble I had was I never quite felt the transition. It was like, before the story, the guy was an addled addict, and during the story, he was a recovering former addict, but there was never an actual transition. I get that the kitten represented his new sense of responsibility, but it was just kind of there without explanation. Would've liked to see the change during the story, rather than just the results of the change.

bakemono - "Number Eight"- Great opening. Great middle. Ended with kind of a dull thud. I wanted something more there, some hint that she knew more than she was saying, or that there was something else to the story. Instead it was straightforward and simple. There was almost no need for the frame. Still, the meat of the tale was strong enough to carry it through.

Grakl - "Just a Friendly Reminder"- This one's a bit too slippery for me. It's an interesting notion, and I like your wording, but I'm not sure what I'm meant to get out of this one.

Alfarif - "Placate"- Certainly an attention-grabbing opening there. Can't say I enjoyed it, but it was well done. The rest is confusing and (hey!) ambiguous. At first I thought the man was meant to be mad, then the ending implied it was something else. I dunno. I just realized part of the problem was being confused about the wall and the woman's face--I thought a real woman's face was being described, which made much of the action confusing.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Request for folks doing crits: I want to try a sort of experiment. For my piece, instead of the standard list of good things and problems, can you just tell me the one change you think would most improve the story? This could be low-level ("fix up the dialogue in the middle portion so it doesn't fall flat") or high-level ("the structure doesn't work, try structuring it like xyz instead"). If this seems too much of a pain or too difficult, then the standard list is fine. ;)

I'm not sure is this'll be more helpful or less, but it should be interesting to find out. :)
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Cyan said:
Request for folks doing crits: I want to try a sort of experiment. For my piece, instead of the standard list of good things and problems, can you just tell me the one change you think would most improve the story? This could be low-level ("fix up the dialogue in the middle portion so it doesn't fall flat") or high-level ("the structure doesn't work, try structuring it like xyz instead"). If this seems too much of a pain or too difficult, then the standard list is fine. ;)

I'm not sure is this'll be more helpful or less, but it should be interesting to find out. :)
Click to expand...

Spoiler:

I'd make it get to the point quicker.

:p
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
Cyan said:
Alfarif - "Placate"- Certainly an attention-grabbing opening there. Can't say I enjoyed it, but it was well done. The rest is confusing and (hey!) ambiguous. At first I thought the man was meant to be mad, then the ending implied it was something else. I dunno. I just realized part of the problem was being confused about the wall and the woman's face--I thought a real woman's face was being described, which made much of the action confusing.
Click to expand...

Spoilers:
Yeah, I didn't get to do another editing pass on this thing. Sorry. Basically the woman's face is one of those faces you would see on a circus cart from like the 1920s, but it's spraypainted on a wall in a forgotten part of Cincinnati. Her mouth is "open" and there's no bricks where the blackness of her mouth would be. If you reach in, you can feel something smooth like a metal chute way in the back.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Ashes1396 said:
Spoiler:

I'd make it get to the point quicker.

:p
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Hehe, well, I asked for it.

Though if that's your real critique, I'll probably ask for a little more specificity. ;)

Alfarif said:
Spoilers:
Yeah, I didn't get to do another editing pass on this thing. Sorry.
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Hell, I know how that is. Didn't get to my standard smoothing pass for my piece, where I usually would iron out the little inconsistencies.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Cyan said:
Hehe, well, I asked for it.

Though if that's your real critique, I'll probably ask for a little more specificity. ;)
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More specificity?

Get to the point before the point becomes irrelevant.

:p

No seriously, I think it was fine. I'm not sure how my changes would affect your story for the better. It's cool, it's light, and I reckon I know what you were going for. In that respect, I'd keep my editing hands off it and try to get it to be what you want it to be. Unfortunately, I don't have a funny bone in my body. Well technically I do, but...

Anyway, maybe
an actual pay off
, would have been better, even though it's opposes the story's intent. Yeah, I'm not good at this, sorry.
 
G

Grakl

Member
Ambiguity throughout a story - this leads to people being confused!

Cyan said:
Grakl - "Just a Friendly Reminder"- This one's a bit too slippery for me. It's an interesting notion, and I like your wording, but I'm not sure what I'm meant to get out of this one.
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Of course, haha. I didn't have enough time to flesh it out, so it ended up as it is. Next thread I'd be happy to write a story with context! It's not my intention to tell you what to get out of this story. I agree with you, though.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Mike Works said:
Oh man, Tidypub looks so, so awesome on an iPad
Click to expand...

If you're surfing gaf on ipad, you can read individual posts in the reader.

1. from the entry list, click a gaf story. e.g. Sober - "After Happily Ever After"
2. in the address bar there is a reader icon. click it and you can read it like in tidypub/ibook. e.g. clear black text, on white background.

It blew my mind. :p

edit: Also Tinypaste [Cyan's story] is more readable in ipad. On ipad, the whole thing loads. I prefer this then have that small window to scroll down or having to save in the temp folder.
 
G

Grakl

Member
My votes

1. Cyan - "Rustbucket"
2. Tangent - "Curiosity Killed"
3. Alfarif - "Placate"

If you want a critique, just ask.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Ashes1396 said:
More specificity?

Get to the point before the point becomes irrelevant.

:p

No seriously, I think it was fine. I'm not sure how my changes would affect your story for the better. It's cool, it's light, and I reckon I know what you were going for. In that respect, I'd keep my editing hands off it and try to get it to be what you want it to be. Unfortunately, I don't have a funny bone in my body. Well technically I do, but...

Anyway, maybe
an actual pay off
, would have been better, even though it's opposes the story's intent. Yeah, I'm not good at this, sorry.
Click to expand...

Hehe. No, that's a fine critique. Thanks.
 
S

starsky

Member
Bootaaay - "Clean"
Felt good reading it throughout. Very easy to read.

Grakl - "Just a Friendly Reminder"
I actually sat up straight and read. And then, I read again. And again. Was discombobulatedly impressed the first go, and later was just discombobulated.

Alfarif - "Placate"
Vivid like a stenciled comic pages done in ultra-bright colours with super-stylistic black ink lines. Very pretty. I enjoyed this very much.

John Dunbar - "A Communal Book"
So springy and connecting. I salute them Chinese Labourers.

Tangent - "Curiosity Killed"
As usual, you capture your characters so well. The kids are very believable, and so is Buzz. It's a little light on the substance, though. But a very pretty slice of life vignette.

Sober - "After Happily Ever After"
Very cool concept. What happened after the adventures ended? But I feel a little bland by the end of it.

DumbNameD - "With Interest"
Gritty and well-paced. The end is nice, but a bit glossy.

Ashes1396 - "Fragments"
Pace is haphazard, the jumping around with time threw me off a little. The end is nice, good utilization of 'ambiguity' as an ending.

Cyan - "Rustbucket"
Some paragraphed meandered about. Gus' history with the kid served little purpose at the end. Why was it important to be emphasized throughout? The end is really nice. Left me hanging for more.

Votes:
1. Alfarif
2. Ashes
3. Cyan
HM. DnD, Tangent
 
G

Grakl

Member
Ashes1396 said:
You can crit mine into dust. :p
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I didn't not pick yours because it was any where near bad - I picked the others because I simply thought they were good.

This style of story doesn't resonate with me unless I get heavy character development. More of a backstory for each character, more evidence of emotions, etc. You had character development, most definitely, but I felt that the man could've had more evidence of being a psychopath (as well as more dialogue that indicates it) and Mariyana could've related more to the reader by describing why her life before sex slavery was even worse, and why we should sympathize with her (though I'm not sure that we really should).

It can be interpreted differently for the man, though. Not naming him helps the reader understand that he shouldn't be related to and he is psychotic! I love it when writers do that. Just take it farther with his demeanor.

The word count requirement works against you here, but you still had ample room to create pathos, as there was about 500 more words that could be used.

There are a couple interesting lines -
The sellers had deliberated over whether to sell her debt to a man informants said was a psychopath - the police cared more when bodies dropped.
Sets the tone well, it's quite depressing. I absolutely love this line.

He got up and slapped her. “Negotiate this. Do as I say, and I won't hurt you.”
Kind of corny to be honest. Negotiate this! Haha, if you intended humor, then it worked well. It seems to break the seriousness of your piece, though.

You didn't have needle scars [you were not addicted to anything]
The part in the brackets breaks the flow of the man's sentence, it can be implied without that part.

“A revolver? Where did you find a revolver.”
“This is Russia.”
Quite corny as well, but the image I get in my head is of a noir style, and it works. If you could make it happen without the deadpan question, or a funny answer, then it would be even better.

It was an interesting read, but it needs more of your style. Simply working on keeping a constant tone would do wonders, since I think you got the imagery (of specific situations) down well. Make sure you can read your story out loud and have it sound natural.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Oh I don't care all that much about votes. It's tough to pick three so thanx for the crits.

The revolver bit is supposed to show how slowly Russia has moved on from the past. It really has lagged behind in some ways. One would probably expect to find a more modern hand gun, but in one of the articles I read, they talked about a revolver. So I thought it a good symbol. I didn't mean it in any greater way, but I see it now. :p

Thanks for the crit again.
 
S

starsky

Member
Cyan, thanks for the crit. I seem to have issues with delivering meaty endings. Will have to work on this, definitely.

Grakl, some crits on my story would be great, if you've the time.
 
G

Grakl

Member
bakemono said:
Cyan, thanks for the crit. I seem to have issues with delivering meaty endings. Will have to work on this, definitely.

Grakl, some crits on my story would be great, if you've the time.
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Yeah, sure.

The story could've been better if it was instead told as the events happened, instead of being described to a reporter. I think you wrote your story from this perspective to make the reader understand how other people just exploit it as a "fascinating local story," or something that is generally looked at without emotion and only picked up on by journalists for monetary reasons. This makes the whole tone of the story feel somewhat impartial though, and it lacks the emotion that it would have if it was told directly from the girl's perspective when the events were occurring.

Number 8 is a person who is incredibly interesting, but I felt that she was made out to be too much of a god-like figure. She lacked any form of suffering others (and just generally human beings) felt, and was hard to relate to, even if the reader is supposed to, instead, relate to the woman being interviewed. As this story is more about number 8 rather than that woman, then number 8 could've been painted more as a tragic figure, or at least a woman with some flaws.

She walks in to the fire in the end, which is interesting (and indeed ambiguous). I wish I knew why! I suppose this helps your story and makes the reader want more. Don't really know if this is good, depends most definitely on the reader. To me it's like the end of The Giver: while it's one of my favorite stories, the ending confuses the hell out of me because I want to know what happens and why, and the author even seems to want the reader to know. If you want the reader to imagine what happens for him/herself, then it's perfectly fine.

I was captured by the beginning, questioning by the middle, and left wanting more in the end. Darn word caps though, yeah? This isn't to say I didn't enjoy the story. I was interested in the girl and the events that were happening, and I could imagine effectively what the setting was. I like how the setting (of the rest of the environment or time period) could be interpreted differently. The story flows, if you know what I mean, and that's important.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
John Dunbar - "A Communal Book" - At first I was confused. Then I laughed. The nature of the prose turned me off at first, and there's sort of a danger here of losing the reader before getting to the punchline. But once I caught on, it was great. How much partying did this kid do last night, damn.

Tangent - "Curiosity Killed" - What I love about this one is how well it captures both the sibling relationship (especially the bit where he's building up how much she yelled at him, ha!) and the total disregard for consequences you can have when you're that young. I kind of wanted Buzz to at least try to tell them why what they'd done was wrong, but I guess he's not that kinda guy.

Sober - "After Happily Ever After" - I liked this! Wonderful concept. I don't know that I've seen this particular sort of "what happens afterwards" piece before. It's a bit rough around the edges, particularly in the dialogue. My favorite trick for dialogue is to try reading it out loud and see how it sounds--if it rings false, rewrite it.
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
All right, I didn't do any critiques this time around, but here are my votes:

1. bake mono - Number Eight
2. DumbNameD - With Interest
3. Tangent - Curiosity Killed
 
S

Sober

Member
I wish I wasn't feeling under the weather this week as I could do spend some more time commenting.

Cyan said:
John Dunbar - "A Communal Book" - At first I was confused. Then I laughed. The nature of the prose turned me off at first, and there's sort of a danger here of losing the reader before getting to the punchline. But once I caught on, it was great. How much partying did this kid do last night, damn.
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Unfortunately I read the story a couple times over and it just kept going past my head :(
Same with Grakl's too sadly. :(

Cyan said:
Sober - "After Happily Ever After" - I liked this! Wonderful concept. I don't know that I've seen this particular sort of "what happens afterwards" piece before. It's a bit rough around the edges, particularly in the dialogue. My favorite trick for dialogue is to try reading it out loud and see how it sounds--if it rings false, rewrite it.
Click to expand...
So many ideas for that story to boil down to 2000 words or less. If I had more words to use I'd probably be okay. Originally I was just gonna have the ending be a trainwreck for the both of them but I think what I could've done better was just primarily focus on one of them instead (seemed like too few words for both sides of the story, again another idea I was brainstorming). Also I think I need to work on dialogue and just drastically reduce the amount of descriptors when writing dialogue (again with so few words not really worth it).

DumbNameD: I was actually trying to think of trying to write a story using the most literal version of the theme - I assume that's what you were going for, never thought of gambling problem leading to a person becoming collateral and such.

Cyan: Damn you, I am a sucker for some sci-fi, nice mix with what I guess is like a story you'd hear from someone at a bar.

1. Cyan - Rustbucket
2. Tangent - Curiosity Killed
3. DumbNameD - With Interest
 
G

Grakl

Member
Sober said:
Unfortunately I read the story a couple times over and it just kept going past my head :(
Same with Grakl's too sadly. :(
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If most people say they don't understand something, then it's not the reader's fault - it's the writer's. No problem! I tried to make it too ambiguous (for my own reasons), and it suffered as a result.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Sober said:
Unfortunately I read the story a couple times over and it just kept going past my head :(
Click to expand...
The narrator is a college kid who goes to an exam while high as a kite and gives the prof a paper full of random gobbledygook about connectedness.

DumbNameD - "With Interest" - Oh damn. The opening didn't do much for me, and I found the structure awkward--but dat ending. Beautifully set up and executed. Gut-wrenching.

Ashes1396 - "Fragments" - Huh, interesting counterpoint to mono's story. Her strategy seems solid, though it seems like Stockholm syndrome that derails her escape attempt. I didn't quite buy that the man would be convinced by her arguments. Not if he's as much a psycho as she tells us. But then, maybe that's part of the ambiguity. Well written.

Votes:
1. bakemono - "Number Eight"
2. John Dunbar - "A Communal Book"
3. Tangent - "Curiosity Killed"

HM: DumbNameD, Ashes1396
 
T

Tangent

Member
Grakl said:
If most people say they don't understand something, then it's not the reader's fault - it's the writer's.
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Hmm, interesting. I suffer from not understanding stories quite a few times -- mostly because I wait until my eyes sting and I'm delusionally tired to read anything -- so in that case I suppose it's my fault! But this is an interesting point... sometimes I read stories more than once and I'm still a little befuddled. But I still don't know if it's the fault of the writer.... sometimes I think that readers just are more familiar with a certain style or genre than others....


I wish I started reading and voting a little earlier so that there was more validity to my votes, and that I had more time to do crits -- since the crits are the best part of this whole thing. Sorry folks. NEXT time! (Thank YOU for your crits though, and the thoughtful advice, I won't be responding individually to teach helpful crit this time around.)

Votes:
1. John Dunbar
2. Ashes
3. Alfarif
HM: Cyan, bakemono, DnD, Sober.... ah heck these were all super good, making it VERY difficult to vote. Way to go everybody! This prompt brought out a lot of thought-provoking stories.
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
bakemono said:
Bootaaay - "Clean"
Felt good reading it throughout. Very easy to read.

Grakl - "Just a Friendly Reminder"
I actually sat up straight and read. And then, I read again. And again. Was discombobulatedly impressed the first go, and later was just discombobulated.

Alfarif - "Placate"
Vivid like a stenciled comic pages done in ultra-bright colours with super-stylistic black ink lines. Very pretty. I enjoyed this very much.

John Dunbar - "A Communal Book"
So springy and connecting. I salute them Chinese Labourers.

Tangent - "Curiosity Killed"
As usual, you capture your characters so well. The kids are very believable, and so is Buzz. It's a little light on the substance, though. But a very pretty slice of life vignette.

Sober - "After Happily Ever After"
Very cool concept. What happened after the adventures ended? But I feel a little bland by the end of it.

DumbNameD - "With Interest"
Gritty and well-paced. The end is nice, but a bit glossy.

Ashes1396 - "Fragments"
Pace is haphazard, the jumping around with time threw me off a little. The end is nice, good utilization of 'ambiguity' as an ending.

Cyan - "Rustbucket"
Some paragraphed meandered about. Gus' history with the kid served little purpose at the end. Why was it important to be emphasized throughout? The end is really nice. Left me hanging for more.

Votes:
1. Alfarif
2. Ashes
3. Cyan
HM. DnD, Tangent
Click to expand...

Sorry I didn't respond to this. Im really really glad you liked the story. It has that feel because I have quite literally been writing comic book scripts and screenplays for the last year or so. I put most of my long form writing on hold and have been focusing entirely on that. This was actually my first piece in long form in a long, long time.

And congrats Cyan! The schedule works for me. Can't wait to see the new topic.
 
S

starsky

Member
Grakl, thx for crits!

Alfa, thats pretty awesome! Would be great to see some of your comic script works. I dabble in comicking too but mostly illustrating instead of scripting. Comic is a different genre of story telling entirely, i find.
 
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