And the latter half! Again, I'm hitting positives, negatives, and the one thing that I think would most improve each story.
RDreamer - "Finding Superman"
+
Frank is a great character. Colorful and interesting.
I like the ambiguity of Frank--how it's not clear if he's making things up, how he's sort of heroic but also just out looking for trouble.
Good concept, with the guy sort of stealing his friend's stories and making what he can of them.
-
Hearing Frank's backstory almost takes away more than it adds... I'd kind of prefer him to remain mysterious. Or maybe have it dolloped out instead of just stated outright.
The opening is really confusing. Probably because of lack of editing time. Events are out of order and chatoic.
Gavin's backstory, too, was a bit much. In this case, simply because it was in one big lump, not because he's better off mysterious.
One thing:
The ending. It's a great concept, but it's just so bald, so two-by-four, that the impact is weakened. I want something subtler. Let the reader figure out what's going on. Let us have that moment of "Oh! He's basing his comics on his friend Frank!" rather than just stating it outright.
Alfarif - "Scratch"
+
Well written. This is a really smooth read.
The single-minded mania comes off as quite believable.
Great final line/paragraph.
-
That whole aside with Milo... what? It was hilarious as a throw-away gotcha joke, but it totally broke the reality of the story. We suddenly move from regular modern-day suburbia to some kind of scifi thing, purely for that one joke. While it's a funny joke, it isn't worth the broken verisimilitude.
One thing:
Rhyme or reason--I want the ending to have it! As it is, it's just a giant head-scratcher (hey-o!). Where did the scratches come from? Why? Was the thing at the end what made them? If so, what was its purpose? Why does it tell the MC in advance that it's going to eat him or whatever?
I think the problem here is the mixing of two ending twists in such a way that both are robbed of their impact. One twist is the drawings themselves--oh how creepy, he's got a stalker or something, etc etc. The other twist is the final drawing--here's a record of his life, and look, the very last one represents... this exact moment, in which he's about to die! Either twist would be totally fine on its own, but together they raise too many questions for this slender story to support.
Sober - "The Masked Maverick's Day Off"
+
Hilarious premise.
Love the ridiculous script, as well as the unscripted bit in the car.
Of course the secret lair is behind a bookcase that swings open!
-
Dialogue could use some sharpening. My favorite trick is to read it out loud and see how it falls on the ear.
The bit with the school bully doesn't quite mesh with the tone of the rest of the piece.
They've been together three years and she's only now figuring it out?
One thing:
I understand that this is meant to be light-hearted, but I think it could use some raising of the stakes. The central issue is Masked Maverick wanting to just get a break, and not being able to. But maybe make it more difficult. Have him getting phone calls from Great Gentleman from the start. Make his girlfriend singularly fixated on this date being perfect, so he has to nail the script. Make the guy in the basement be ill, or the MC forgot to feed him for days, or something. Amp it all up!
Tim the Wiz - "Pedigree"
+
The "insular farmers" feeling percolates through the whole story. Great atmosphere.
Goddamnit, you made me feel sympathy for an unrepentant Nazi.
Feels nicely historically grounded.
Plus more than I want to list, you did a lot well in this story.
-
Got really confused because it seemed like they arrived in a random village, and yet it was her home village? Seems like a real stretch of a coincidence. Also, given how he got her, he should've known where she was from.
The structure is confusing. I'm... not sure if I'd recommend changing it or not, because it's effective. It's just also confusing.
One thing:
This might sound counterintuitive, but I'd drop the line about the camp where they kill Jews. Too, too on the nose. That's something that belongs in the subtext, unspoken, where it burrows deeper and burns hotter. (you got it right by never actually using the word "Nazi"; this is along the same lines)
On second thought though, maybe don't drop the line altogether but simply alter it so it's more subtle. "The camp? Where the trains from the ghettos go?" Something like that. That version doesn't quite work, but you get the idea.
Puddles - "Mellow Mountain"
+
Awesome descriptive work.
I like that you were somewhat subtle about the... state of the group of friends. The only real hand-tip was the title.
"Just yesterday I wondered if I should even hold her hand." Great line, captures a lot in a few words.
-
After all that nice subtlety, the ending is too on the nose regarding how the piece fits the theme.
I feel like there was one character too many. Could John and Bert have been combined? Four is a lot of central characters for such a short piece.
One thing:
"Motion is everything." There's really no motion in this piece, aside from the aforementioned line about holding hands. And that movement really only takes place within that single line. You don't necessarily need to add a big conflict or a story arc or anything to this piece--in fact, that would probably break it.
But some kind of motion. They were seeking an awakening. Why? From what? Answer that, and you should be able to inject a subtle movement to the piece, complementary to the rhythm and music, like a dancing pyromancer.
