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Online Dating |OT| Please Respond
- Thread starter Jhoan
- Start date
User 479360
Banned
I've spent the afternoon revisiting POF, editing my profile and sending out messages to local women. I've sent quite a few.
One has replied so far. I sent her a message out of curiosity, but I don't think I'm interested in pursuing anything with her. She clicked meet me and I kind of felt inclined to.
She's really strange.
One has replied so far. I sent her a message out of curiosity, but I don't think I'm interested in pursuing anything with her. She clicked meet me and I kind of felt inclined to.
She's really strange.
davepoobond
you can't put a price on sparks
Elaborate on the strangeness
User 479360
Banned
Just strange in conversation. Odd to talk to.
She told me to send her a message if I ever wanted to chat, but we were already chatting. Other strange things.
She's nice, though.
Troubled Bat
Member
The cutie came back!! T^T
User 479360
Banned
I sent more messages out, and one girl replied. However, I think me living at home and looking after disabled family members scared her off.
Fixed1979
Member
Hey GAF, I've been chilling on Match, had a couple dates (with the same girl) and I've been emailing a couple others. I've only been at it a little bit, but I haven't actually made the first move before (ie: sent the first message). I figured I'd just go far out to see what happens, is this one too weird to send out? Her profile is pretty barren but I at least hit two things she mentions (singing in the shower and cooking)...
davepoobond
you can't put a price on sparks
are you using that as a pick up line or something? sheesh.
i dont talk about family stuff until i meet in person.
User 479360
Banned
No, I'm not. I'm just honest in conversation.
As I said, I suck at this.
I met a great girl last night, and have been talking with her a lot. She just told me she has two kids, aged 8 and 6, though. I'm not really into dating someone with kids, but she seems great.
It sucks
As someone who isn't ready to deal with kids yet, I really appreciate the women who are upfront about having them. It sucks when they don't and a conversation goes well until they bring it up. If you don't think you can handle it, it's better to bail now. But it does indeed suck.
User 479360
Banned
Me too. I like it when they post it in their profile.
I've just never been a big kid person, and dealing with depression/anxiety/OCD makes me not want to be responsible for any or have any. At least not for a while. I fear of passing on my traits, and don't really like the world as it is.
I digress, though. A friend is having a baby, so maybe I'll change.
She dropped it on me about 10 messages in, when things were going so well. But she says she's not looking for a dad for them, because they have one.
I'm conflicted, because she's awesome. She's not the only one who replied, though.
I spoke to another girl last night/today, but may have screwed things up by having a brain fart and asking a dumb question due to lack of sleep. I sent out a LOT of messages, though. It's just my luck that only about 5% responded.
BIGWORM
Member
Just had a girl who had the DECENCY to tell me that she was dating other people and we should part ways. We didn't even get to one date because I was working a crazy schedule last weekend. I thanked her for not fading. It's sad that not fading a rarity and recognized when one isn't faded on.
BIGWORM
Member
Gradual non-communication into no communication at all.
User 479360
Banned
Yeah, I know that well.
We have a lot of PSWs coming in to help family members, and one of the new ones is a really cute blonde. I thought maybe she would have interest if I tried, but then decided to creep on Facebook by searching her first name.
It turns out she bats for the other team. And what a lucky team it is.
User 479360
Banned
I guess being a geeky grammar Nazi has its pros. The single mom I've been talking to said (and thought it was inappropriate) that my way with words is sexy.
I've never heard that before. Then again, I'm in front of a computer, not being a bumbling and awkward idiot in person.
I've never heard that before. Then again, I'm in front of a computer, not being a bumbling and awkward idiot in person.
Mr Solo Dolo
Member
Does anyone else get this bug on POF.
Basically I reply to a message but when I go into my messages it doesn't show as 'Replied', it still shows as the time I last recieved a message from the other person. It does show in my sent messages box and it is there in the conversation but I'm still paranoid the message hasn't been sent.
Basically I reply to a message but when I go into my messages it doesn't show as 'Replied', it still shows as the time I last recieved a message from the other person. It does show in my sent messages box and it is there in the conversation but I'm still paranoid the message hasn't been sent.
Zeyphersan
Banned
So just signed up for OKC. Still trying to work against the stigma of online dating, but hot damn. Reading the profiles of the people you're a 90%+ match with is something else. Incredible.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
Controlled likes are server based so old versions will still get restricted.
User 479360
Banned
I'm finding that women are really entitled and conceited on online dating sites. It's something my friend brought up in conversation as well, even though he's better looking and more outgoing than me.
War Peaceman
You're a big guy.
Explain what you mean by entitled and conceited?
ClosingADoor
Member
Really? I don't see that at all. Sure, a lot won't reply, but can you blame them with the amount of messages some get. And if they do turn someone down, there is the risk of the guy going crazy, so it really is better not to sent anything. And lets be honest, us guys are just as picky when choosing the girls to message when it comes to looks.
Everyone that does reply or that I meet has been very nice, even if it didn't go anywhere in the end.
Don't fall into the trap of feeling bitter and blaming others in online dating. It won't do you any good and just makes you feel bad. Taking a break from it might be better then.
electricshake
Member
Yeh, much better to not reply than potentially get sucked into an argument or harassment. I found some men thought they were entitled to a reply from me and got a bit aggressive when they didn't get it.
i'm trying to get into online sites for the first time. set up an okcupid account. getting used to it, it was pretty uncomfortable at first as presenting myself in a positive way feels like bragging or at least transparent pandering and being very self-deprecating/loathing to compensate i know sends out a horrible message. did manage to write something, and my profile kinda sucks compared to others but i'm trying to improve it slightly each week.
anyway my main question. how long should my first messages to people be and how should they go? i can be a bit intense sometimes, so i sent someone who seemed a good match a really long message, basically a letter about their profile and myself, then got back about a line in reply. felt a bit embarrassed for myself for coming on way too strong, but baby steps. so what kind of thing should i be going for? i'm not good at text chat which is why i wrote something lengthy, but i want to start small and be less intimidating and insane seeming this time. any tips?
anyway my main question. how long should my first messages to people be and how should they go? i can be a bit intense sometimes, so i sent someone who seemed a good match a really long message, basically a letter about their profile and myself, then got back about a line in reply. felt a bit embarrassed for myself for coming on way too strong, but baby steps. so what kind of thing should i be going for? i'm not good at text chat which is why i wrote something lengthy, but i want to start small and be less intimidating and insane seeming this time. any tips?
ClosingADoor
Member
Keep it short. Just say hi and ask something that took your interest in their profile. Maybe a book they read, sport they do, place they visited, etc. No longer then a few lines.
Also keeps you from getting invested, since you don't know if the other party is even interested.
Talking and snaping for two weeks constantly, clicked so well, had a mutual friend who could vouch for us both. Hid my profile, stopped speaking to another girl who I'd already been on a date with.
First date is even a musical of her favorite film, thought it was going be perfect......no chemistry in real life :'(, I'm destroyed, think this is the hit to put me out of the game for a while.
First date is even a musical of her favorite film, thought it was going be perfect......no chemistry in real life :'(, I'm destroyed, think this is the hit to put me out of the game for a while.
User 479360
Banned
It just seems like they think they're a league above everyone, and can't be bothered to reply unless it's a perfectly guy on the other end. Being nice seems to get you nowhere.
I've sent quite a few messages out, I'll admit. A lot of them have had interesting profiles and attractive pictures, but I'm not exactly picky when it comes to looks.
Yeah, I guess you're right. It's still frustrating, though.
I keep telling myself to take a break, because I'm obsessing over it too much. For years, I was okay with being single, but it's as if I hit puberty again and it's all I'm thinking of.
I've never been aggressive or sent angry follow-up messages.
stn
Member
Lots of people who roam online dating will not give you courtesy or politeness. They will also generally only go for what they perceive to be the best of the best, as evidenced by the fact that almost every girl I see on OKC replies very selectively (then again so do I, lol).
So, its true that lots of girls on there are very picky and shallow. HOWEVER, this is not a one-sided affair where girls are all to blame. Guys are also to blame because a majority of them are aggressive, bitter, and sometimes even disgusting. I've seen the kinds of messages girls get, its ridiculous. Basically, guys and girls screw each other out of good matches in the online world.
So, how does this apply to you? Well, you need to find a way to not care. Send messages without expecting any kind of courtesy. Its just how things are. Don't become emotionally invested in messages or in people you've yet to meet. Just relax and move on! If its causing you stress... close your profile!
Tabasco
Member
I mentioned earlier in this thread that I'm meeting up with a girl I met online.
She said she wants to meet up next weekend and I'm already getting really nervous. My social life really sucks and I rarely get to do stuff like this.
Am I supposed to come up with a plan on what we should be doing? Do I call or text her?
She said she wants to meet up next weekend and I'm already getting really nervous. My social life really sucks and I rarely get to do stuff like this.
Am I supposed to come up with a plan on what we should be doing? Do I call or text her?
ClosingADoor
Member
After you sent a message, put it out of your head and look at the next one. If someone replies, good. If not, nothing lost. Just write short messages so you don't put too much time in it. It's a numbers game basically. And honestly, if I was getting tons of messages from girls, I'd probably be more picky also. We all would. So I wouldn't blame anyone for not replying.
Maybe test around with your main picture a bit to see if you get more visits and replies from your messages.
Yes, you need to make the plans if she didn't mention anything about it herself. I'd stick to texting. Ask her a few days before if she is still free (maybe around Wednesday or something, so you don't have to keep messaging for days and have a dying conversation). If so, pick a time and place to meet. From there go to a nice bar you know, order some drinks and get to know each other.
Of course, if she ends up texting you and proposes the place to meet already, you're in the clear and just go with it.
stn
Member
Take charge, don't be passive. No matter what anyone tells you, you always want to take charge in a situation like this. Why? It appeals to women because it shows confidence and assertion. Figure out where you want to take her, then text her the time and place. If she can't on that day, ask here when works for her. But do not wait for her to plan stuff.
User 479360
Banned
I ended up scaring off the woman (with kids) that I was talking to, because of my mental issues.
I need to stop being so honest, or just accept that I'll always be alone with this untreatable depression, unless I off myself which I don't want to do.
I need to stop being so honest, or just accept that I'll always be alone with this untreatable depression, unless I off myself which I don't want to do.
Agree with this.
@Tabasco, I would also add to keep it simple and cheap. Maybe a coffee shop chat followed by a walk around town say end up at pizza place. Also please watch this video for motivation/inspiration: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAlzPgXb6rE
@OCDChewie, are you seeing a therapist for it now? Stuff like that does scare away people since it's very heavy handed stuff. If anything, then maybe you should take a break from dating until you get better. Self-pitying isn't really helping your cause. Women love and always want to focus on positive stuff, not negative stuff.
War Peaceman
You're a big guy.
Just hook on to one thing on their profile - a shared interest or something you are curious about and strike up a conversation from there. Avoid comments on physical traits, no flirting (unless on tinder), just straight conversation. Expect to get no response - but that is better than getting your hopes up.
Being nice isn't a strategy; you are nice or you aren't and you don't get to decide whether you are nice or not.
It is a buyer's market - women have all the power in online dating. That is the reality. In some ways that is unfortunate as you'd like it to be equal, but given all the inequalities in the world that women face it is hard to get worked up about it. Why wouldn't they prioritise those who they think are perfect? I mean... women get more attention than men, it is only logical that they prioritise. You would do the same, given the chance.
If you want a more even playing field go to clubs (as in reading groups/uni societies etc., not nightclubs) or bars and try to communicate with potential partners there. If you want online, just accept the realities, don't get too hung up on any single person and keep at it.
Personally I dislike online because I am better in person than in text form, although okcupid still rates me as hot (or the step above), I just hate typing to people as I can't get to grips with the correct boundaries. Find what works for you.
From reading a few of your posts recently you seem very... eager to speak about problems. That isn't a bad thing, per se, but you do come as quite desperate and fragile. I'm sorry if that is offensive, but sometimes it is hard to understand how one comes across. Obviously mental health is no joke and in some ways your openness about it may be a good thing, but it is probably overwhelming. Keep a bit more coy and outwardly positive in your messages.
Lone_Prodigy
Member
No offence and I don't know you, but take care of yourself before trying to take care of someone else.
Rest
All these years later I still chuckle at what a fucking moron that guy is.
I was looking at my answered questions and realized that most of them say "Irrelevant" for desired responses. I'm going to go through and be more picky/idealistic and see if it gets me any better results.
Now just try to get them to respond. I don't think anyone with 90% or more has ever answered me. Something about being a 75-85% match seems to make them respond.
Zeyphersan
Banned
It's basically a numbers game. I'm talking to a couple 90%+'s right now, but yes, I have had better response success with lower than 90%
Don't know what that means
Skullface
Member
Is this a selectable status on a dating site? I almost guarantee that's a way to ward off sex pervs. Which is strange... Because most women I've met on dating websites I wound up having sex with one date 1 or 2. Not by design either.
Zeyphersan
Banned
I've never seen this. The women I'm finding all say average or above
Depending on how you answer various questions on OKCupid, it'll determine if you're More/Less Sex-Driven, More/Less Confident, among a bunch of other different metrics. How true it is depends on the girl...she could be lying because she doesn't want to be thought of as a whore online, she could be lying to herself, or she could be lying because various other constraints make her think she's not (IE religion).
Last girl I went out with from OKC was less sex-driven and less kinky. We broke up because her idea of a date involved coming over to my place and not watching movies. Dammit woman, I was not a piece of meat!
User 479360
Banned
I've been seeing a psychiatrist for several months now, and had tried different antidepressants before that. She prescribed one the first time I spoke to her, but it didn't end up working, and neither is this one I'm on. It's my fifth type of antidepressant, I've been on it for months, and have been bumped up to the 2nd highest dose allowed.
When I speak to her, she asks me if I'm dating. Before, I said no. I've always wanted a relationship, but I wasn't obsessing over it. However, something happened inside me and it's all I've been able to think about as of late.
I've had an online dating profile for a while now, but hardly used it. Now, I'm using it more.
I think I could date. And I just wanted to be honest. I didn't bring it up right away. That said, maybe I should hide it.
Thanks for the advice
I'm trying to put myself out there and be more social, in hopes of becoming happier. I can act quite normally around friends, but take some time to warm up to people and break out of my shell.
I believe that I did really well on my most recent date (not with this woman, of course), but that girl ended up being a head case.
I just like to be honest, as mentioned above, but I guess I should be more coy. I'm better at talking to people online than in person, because I get anxious and procrastinate.
I've been trying to get better for several years, and have always wanted to be in a relationship but had no luck. No offense taken, trust me, but I don't know if this depression is going to go away, and I'm sick of being the single guy.
If I knew that I was going to get better, and had an idea of how long it'd take, your suggestion would be easier. But I may have to try to manage it for life.
I wouldn't push my depression on a date, nor would I moan and make them depressed. I think that dating and being in a relationship with an understanding person could help me immensely.
electricshake
Member
But some men do and there is no way of telling who is going to and who isn't, which is why it isn't worth replying when you aren't interested.
As for depression, it's not necessarily a deal breaker. I'm on antidepressants for mild depression (though coming off them soonish). I didn't mention it till my third date with my bf, he didn't mind. Just don't make it define you.
There's a difference between hiding it and bringing it up at a more appropriate time. We all have our flaws but the key to dating is to present the best version of yourself up front and then, as the relationship progresses, becoming more comfortable and revealing more of yourself. It doesn't sound nice but it's what people do and do for a reason.
User 479360
Banned
Yeah, you're right. I'll keep that in mind.
Thanks again
Thanks again
Skullface
Member
Lol some women do as well. But I whole heartedly agree with your logic. My feelings get genuinely hurt when ever I've recieved any such messages, even if it's a woman I find completely unattractive. I don't think it's that I'm personally offended, but it definitely hurts and challenges my own sensibilities. I feel like there's a lot of misplaced anger and frustration in those types of messages.