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[Kyne]

I'm really not the type to approach girls in bars/clubs so I'm thinking about online dating. You only meet so many woman in neutral settings. In my head though online dating still has this stigma, like feel sort of embarrassed to sign up. Someone convince me I'm being ridiculous real quick lol.


Edit: Sidenote. I did actually sign up to one I thought was for gamers but suprise suprise it was a scam. I bailed when they ask me to sign up so I could reply to a message from a girl who was exactly my type. For some reason that felt like bit of a safe haven

The stigma is definitely broken. Go for it dude.

 

[Onimusha78]

The stigma is definitely broken. Go for it dude.

Yeah I'm making a profile on POF right now. If it's not for me I'll just delete

edit: Already had an account contact me about adding them on snapchat to have some fun lol wtf. Can I appear offline?

 

[Jhoan]

Yeah I'm hoping that's it, thanks for the encouraging words. But I'll get little extra boost just to get my groove back and not worry (just this one time) currently at the doc will update.

Update: Doc think it's anxiety but this funk been going on since dec, i think my T dropped a bit he says I'm too young but he drew some blood for additional tests and gave me a 5mg pill to get that confidence back.

Hey, it helps so I'm not judging. I'm picturing the King of the Hill episode where Hank gets prescribed testosterone pills because he has low testosterone and becomes aggressive/confident.

You're advice worked! I threw a hail marry message asking her out to coffee (not expecting to get a reply) and she got back to me - we're meeting up tomorrow

Nice! I'm glad it worked out in the end. Honestly that's the best thing to do since in the end of the day, the whole point is to get to a face to face meeting. If the message is going dry or the person stops replying, don't delay the inevitable and ask them out. Otherwise, you're just another dude on the Internet by going back and forth endlessly. Good luck on the date!

 

[Loxley]

Date went well! We met at a nice coffee shop and talked for about an hour and half. Thankfully we were both in the same boat that neither of us had ever met anybody online before so were able to connect over that. At first there was that sort of awkward "how do we start this conversation?" moment but once we got rolling it was fine. There were only a couple of brief moments where we sat in silence trying to figure out what to discuss next.

After that we decided to walk around and explore a little, it's one of those neighborhoods where there are a bunch of little mom & pop shops to check out. The only hitch was it was literally seven degrees outside today, so we were both freezing our asses off. Eventually the cold just got to us and we decided to call it for now. We're definitely going to see each other again, though we agreed it will definitely be someplace indoors, away from the Wisconsin winter.

 

[pieface]

Lessons I learned from dating last year:

-Just because the girl messages first and leads to a date doesn't mean that there will be chemistry on said date. I learned that firsthand in a number of instances last year.
-Don't ever ask a girl if they want to make out. Never again.
-I don't like shy girls at all. It's frustrating and it requires more effort to get them to come out of their shell. I'm staying far away from them this year.
-Don't over explain your job/talk about it especially if the person is coming from work. I do a lot of freelance and volunteer work while I figure myself out. Talking about jobs can be awkward topic when the last thing the person wants to talk about is work.
-Don't ever go on dates back to back if I'm not feeling good about it. Instead offer to postpone it to another day to give myself time to recover. Coming from a good date to a bad date to another date altered my mood/mindset going into it.
-Don't give myself any minor excuses to dismiss and ghost girls. I went out with a bunch of cool girls that could have led to something more if I asked them out a second time. Sure, some of them weren't all that physically attractive or lacked a quality that I like but they made up for it in other ways. Likewise, just because I felt like I tanked the initial date doesn't mean I should delete the number and move on. I'm not meeting my future wife so it's as easy as that.
-Be honest with myself about not wanting to go on a date with someone I'm not feeling it with and don't be afraid to state as such. I flaked on a girl back in September because I wasn't feeling it. I got annoyed with her because of scheduling issues and moved on. There was another girl who's number I got that was needy and got angry when I didn't respond for a while. It reminded me of my mom which is a bad quality.
-If I know I'm running late or I'm underground, let the person know. I did a good job last year but I'm going to take punctuality even more seriously. Unfortunately, some girls didn't take too kindly to that so I think I need to look for girls who are more patient/understanding.
-Don't procrastinate on a message from a potential person that seems interesting but at the same time, it's okay to be picky. While it's nice to have an inbox full of matches, it feels overwhelming to have to click on a profile, look through the pictures/profile, and conjure up a message (on OKC).
-Take more interesting pictures in interesting places. One of my most memorable messages exchanges I got into was about me inquiring about a picture. It led to the girl telling me that it was in some place in the city which led me to a scavenger hunt on Google to figure it out. My reward was a date with that girl showing me the place in the picture. It didn't work out because the girl cited distance issues and being super busy but I still remember the message.
-Accept the fact that one is desirable as a person and sexually. I'm a pretty attractive guy but sometimes I didn't feel confident/comfortable which led to me overthinking things. It's okay to be congruent with I want through my body language and actions.
-If a girl give you her number with the hint that you ask her out to coffee, don't beat around the bush when you text the girl and fluff talk. One of my early mistakes last year involved the aforementioned scenario. Needless to say, the girl in question got frustrated with me and cut me loose. I went from a period of being super chatty through texts to being more cool about it but I always brought up the plans at some point. These days I prefer not to be super chatty with girls through text and use it as a bridge to a face to face meeting.
-If a girl says "I don't know when I'm going to be free," it's a light way of saying that they're not interested in meeting up again. As the old dating adage goes, if a person is interested, they will make time to meet up.
-Be fully present in the moment and listen. I had too many instances on dates where I was thinking about something else that was on my mind in the moment. It led to girls being confused at times because I wasn't actively interested in what they had to say in the moment.
-Don't get invested in a girl so quickly especially after having sex with them once. I think this one is going to take me a while to overcome.
-Slow down my speech pattern for someone who might not be used to speaking to me. I learned in a few instances that some girls had a hard time understanding me. Thoughts need to be communicated clearly and efficiently, not mumbled out.
-Bail out when there isn't any chemistry or I'm getting bored. This is in the OP but I can't emphasize how important it is to be honest with oneself and fold early.
-If a girl is super into me to the point where there's loads of touching going on, don't delay the inevitable. Back in November, I got a huge ego stroke after going on a date with this one girl who was pretty much DTF but when she saw that I put it off, she lost interest and went home alone. I knew this and didn't make an effort to reach out to her for another date.
-Older women are pretty cool and have interesting life experiences. I opened myself to dating older women after previously finding them intimidating and learned a good deal about myself in the process. Age is nothing but a number.
-Seriously DO NOT OVERTHINK THINGS.

I think that's almost all of my points. I think that overall, I gained a significant amount of dating experience last year than previous years. It was draining at times with the dozens of rejections that I went through whether indirect or direct. I think that this year I might make a Medium account to chronicle my dating experiences for fun. God luck to everyone dating this year. The key important thing is to be persistent and keep going on more dates.

Don't take this the wrong way dude, it reads to me like you really are overthinking things. You've given yourself a whole page of do's and don't for when you're on a date and how to approach it, how are you going to be yourself when you have to remember to do or don't do so much. Just go, relax, be yourself, if you're in the company of someone who's right for you they'll find the things you naturally do appealing / funny / attractive or whatever. It's supposed to be fun, enjoy it.

 

[Kyne]

Don't take this the wrong way dude, it reads to me like you really are overthinking things. You've given yourself a whole page of do's and don't for when you're on a date and how to approach it, how are you going to be yourself when you have to remember to do or don't do so much. Just go, relax, be yourself, if you're in the company of someone who's right for you they'll find the things you naturally do appealing / funny / attractive or whatever. It's supposed to be fun, enjoy it.

did you not read his last line of do's? this guy is one step ahead of you man.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Don't take this the wrong way dude, it reads to me like you really are overthinking things. You've given yourself a whole page of do's and don't for when you're on a date and how to approach it, how are you going to be yourself when you have to remember to do or don't do so much. Just go, relax, be yourself, if you're in the company of someone who's right for you they'll find the things you naturally do appealing / funny / attractive or whatever. It's supposed to be fun, enjoy it.

Normally I'd agree that a wall of text like that constitutes overthinking, but you can really distill Jhoan's conclusions (which I've learned over the past three years as well) into three main maxims:

1. Be honest with yourself (and your partner) about what you want.
2. Don't be overly dismissive. Don't be overly invested.
3. Be cognizant of the unstated rules of social interactions.

That's pretty much it, as far as I can tell. He's not talking about rules for dates, after all; I agree that'd be ridiculous.

 

[Shanlei91]

Don't take this the wrong way dude, it reads to me like you really are overthinking things. You've given yourself a whole page of do's and don't for when you're on a date and how to approach it, how are you going to be yourself when you have to remember to do or don't do so much. Just go, relax, be yourself, if you're in the company of someone who's right for you they'll find the things you naturally do appealing / funny / attractive or whatever. It's supposed to be fun, enjoy it.

It's less a set of rules and more observations made. Going on a bunch of different dates with an open mind and self awareness helps a person find out more what they want and more about themselves. A lot of what he said echoes my observations when I first did online dating years ago.

Normally I'd agree that a wall of text like that constitutes overthinking, but you can really distill Jhoan's conclusions (which I've learned over the past three years as well) into three main maxims:

1. Be honest with yourself (and your partner) about what you want.
2. Don't be overly dismissive. Don't be overly invested.
3. Be cognizant of the unstated rules of social interactions.

That's pretty much it, as far as I can tell. He's not talking about rules for dates, after all; I agree that'd be ridiculous.

Pretty much this.

I can't hate on a shorter Hispanic brother's Tinder game.

I'm going to begin messaging new girls again on OKC, possibly make a new account on Bumble, and CMB. Oddly enough, I've been getting profile visits from girls as far out as Japan, upstate NY, and parts NJ that are a bit too far out of the way. I'm going to try to set up a second date with the last girl I went out with three weeks ago.

Three weeks between dates? If I haven't scheduled a second date within a week I usually don't schedule a second date / stop communicating haha

I don't think you need to recreate a Bumble account. I've picked up on a pattern where if I edit my profile after a couple of days I suddenly get a flurry of matches in an hour span - then nothing until the next time I edit my profile. You should try that first.

Apple refunded me for the Tinder Plus for telling me there's "no one new" around me in NY. Gonna focus on the apps where the women are looking for something more serious. Has anyone had a good experience on Match.com? I feel like because you don't know who is a paying member that would be a massive waste of time sending messages to women who have no intention of paying to respond.

 

[thesoapster]

Magically I matched with someone on Tinder, and after some back and forth, decided we would meet this coming week (she is busy all weekend). Should I still message her between now and then outside of planning a specific time?

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Magically I matched with someone on Tinder, and after some back and forth, decided we would meet this coming week (she is busy all weekend). Should I still message her between now and then outside of planning a specific time?

I wouldn't. Plan something solid. Say you're excited. Leave it. Confirm in a non-threatening way ("Hey, can definitely leave work on time today. See you at 6.") or one that makes you seem pathetic ("Are we still on?").

And, this is one of the unstated rules of social interaction, for those playing at home. Obviously, you're finding out if the date's still on. But how you ask it matters. And no, this isn't a "use certain words to get a certain effect" gambit, but rather about what you're projecting.

 

[NoctisVsStar]

Update: so I went to the girl's house, well we watched shows and whatnot.. around midnight or 1ish I think we went upstairs. She laid in the bed watching tv.. she was kinda shy so I just pulled her..and well we had sex back to back that night. Earlier today a quickie, so far so good. I really like her and she's likes me a lot as well (parents dig the kid btw).. we known eachother since like oct we text everyday and occationally talk on the phone. But we just taking it one day at a time she's been hurt in the past plus distance is a bit of an issue but we making work so far. We agreed not to talk about being exclusive or anything of that nature. We will discuss it when the time comes for that (if it comes) she's still an awesome friend so we will stay in touch regardless of what happens.

Word of advice for everyone is to enjoy the day to day, and not worry about titles.. if it's meant to be it's meant to be.

 

[Kyne]

Word of advice for everyone is to enjoy the day to day, and not worry about titles.. if it's meant to be it's meant to be.

just be sure you two are on the same page. There is a reason that titles exist.

 

[Lulubop]

Mostly a great post that I agree almost completely and this part really hits me as the girl I miss more was one which I kinda dismissed for stupid reasons. A few months ago I tried to reignite it but she was really annoyed by my behavior and shut me down.

FUCK

Same thing happened to me around June with this Korean girl who was super into me.

 

[Shanlei91]

The true pain of being a short guy.

Still going for it.

 

[TangerineCloud]

Welp, me and my girlfriend of 2.5 years (who I met through OkCupid) just ended things. Guess it's time to hop back on this horse.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

The true pain of being a short guy.

Still going for it.

I'm loving the 5'11" redhead I met on OKC. Just go for it. Climb that mountain.

 

[Jhoan]

Don't take this the wrong way dude, it reads to me like you really are overthinking things. You've given yourself a whole page of do's and don't for when you're on a date and how to approach it, how are you going to be yourself when you have to remember to do or don't do so much. Just go, relax, be yourself, if you're in the company of someone who's right for you they'll find the things you naturally do appealing / funny / attractive or whatever. It's supposed to be fun, enjoy it.

I can see that being a fair point but for me, it's more of a self-reflection than overthinking things. I want to look back at this several months from now and see how things have changed. That being said, I'm already doing the things you stated above but I'm also aware of my shortcomings that I would like to work on.

It's less a set of rules and more observations made. Going on a bunch of different dates with an open mind and self awareness helps a person find out more what they want and more about themselves. A lot of what he said echoes my observations when I first did online dating years ago.


Three weeks between dates? If I haven't scheduled a second date within a week I usually don't schedule a second date / stop communicating haha

I don't think you need to recreate a Bumble account. I've picked up on a pattern where if I edit my profile after a couple of days I suddenly get a flurry of matches in an hour span - then nothing until the next time I edit my profile. You should try that first.

Apple refunded me for the Tinder Plus for telling me there's "no one new" around me in NY. Gonna focus on the apps where the women are looking for something more serious. Has anyone had a good experience on Match.com? I feel like because you don't know who is a paying member that would be a massive waste of time sending messages to women who have no intention of paying to respond.

She was out of town for two weeks visiting family. It's about to be four weeks because she declined my request to meet at a bar in favor wanting to go to a particular art gallery but canned the plans when she realized that it closed 6pm which was the time she came out of work at. She apologized for being " such a bum about making plans." When I asked when she was free in the next two days (this was Thursday night), she went dark again. Cue the Aziz Ansari on texting joke here.

I'll follow up with her again tomorrow or Monday asking her out for the following week (she's a teacher at a private high school from 8am-6pm). If she declines my plans and gives me another excuse about wanting to see an art show, I'm going to drop her and move on. I had no problems dropping women in the past who were stuck at work since it wasn't fair to keep stringing me along.

I noticed that on OKC as well. Especially during their rush hour period which is usually around 8pm-12am so I answer survey questions on a whim. I changed the content of Tinder profile and my main picture a few days ago. I haven't been super into Tinder lately to want to message matches.

As for your other update quick word of advice: You should edit your post and black out her face/name/school but keep the height text only for security/thread rule reasons. Otherwise, to quote the song, ain't no mountain high enough/to keep you from getting to her. Personally 17 miles is too far away for me as my max search distance is set to 5 miles. Ain't nobody got time to be traveling.

 

[baxter2231]

Just made a okcupid account, i put my full name is that a bad idea?

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

Just made a okcupid account, i put my full name is that a bad idea?

Why would you do that?

 

[Salamando]

Just made a okcupid account, i put my full name is that a bad idea?

First name, fine. Last name, bad idea. That's a "lol, did you have any cats or dogs growing up? What were their names?" away from a phishing target.

 

[baxter2231]

Why would you do that?

First name, fine. Last name, bad idea. That's a "lol, did you have any cats or dogs growing up? What were their names?" away from a phishing target.

I wont let me change it, says you have to wait a month wtf.
I disabled it though at least o could do that.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

I wont let me change it, says you have to wait a month wtf.

Delete your account and make another one?

 

[Kyne]

Welp, me and my girlfriend of 2.5 years (who I met through OkCupid) just ended things. Guess it's time to hop back on this horse.

r u me?

this was literally me last weekend (ended a 2 and a half year relationship started on okcupid).

yeah man.. time to uh.. dive back in I guess.

 

[True Savior]

I hate that Tinder stops working after 3 months. I don't understand why this happens. I understand the pool of girls get smaller, matches decreasing is normal but I go from regular several daily matches to several days without matches. It's bloody annoying. I'm swiping right profiles that if I reset and swipe again I end up matching. What do they have against long time users?

The true pain of being a short guy.

Still going for it.

Super liked and all....lucky bastard. And she looked cute.

 

[TangerineCloud]

r u me?

this was literally me last weekend (ended a 2 and a half year relationship started on okcupid).

yeah man.. time to uh.. dive back in I guess.

Huh, my relationship technically ended last weekend, too. We just thought we might be able to make it work and stayed together for another week.

So... yeah... I guess we're... break-up twins. High-five?

Lol. Good luck out there, man.

 

[Kraut]

Sorry if this question is a bit tech-support-y, but I'm curious if anyone else has had trouble with dating sites constantly deleting their profiles? I've tried multiple times on POF, usually gets deleted within 2 hours. Made an OKCupid last night and it was working earlier this morning, but trying to log in again it was gone.

I usually have 2 or 3 pictures and answer a bunch of the match questions; out of around 6 times I've made a profile, I've only messaged a few girls once with pretty standard "hey, what's your favorite music" type questions. Is there some automated process that just weeds out accounts that behave in a certain way?

Somewhat related, I tried making a Tinder account and I can't even get it to send me the confirmation code.

 

[Gray Matter]

Downloaded tinder again!

Spoiler

i really don't know why I do this to myself

 

[Kyne]

Huh, my relationship technically ended last weekend, too. We just thought we might be able to make it work and stayed together for another week.

So... yeah... I guess we're... break-up twins. High-five?

Lol. Good luck out there, man.

Yeah, even though I initiated it thankfully it was pretty mutual.

I'm going to work on myself a little before I actually jump back in the dating scene. Want to lose a little weight/get fit and maybe learn to cook a couple of dishes so I can bring something to the table later down the road.

Good luck to you too man.

 

[Jawmuncher]

What are the new apps people are using? Are there any?

Currently have bumble, okcupid, pof, tinder, clover, happn, & coffee meets bagel

 

[Jhoan]

Sorry if this question is a bit tech-support-y, but I'm curious if anyone else has had trouble with dating sites constantly deleting their profiles? I've tried multiple times on POF, usually gets deleted within 2 hours. Made an OKCupid last night and it was working earlier this morning, but trying to log in again it was gone.

I usually have 2 or 3 pictures and answer a bunch of the match questions; out of around 6 times I've made a profile, I've only messaged a few girls once with pretty standard "hey, what's your favorite music" type questions. Is there some automated process that just weeds out accounts that behave in a certain way?

Somewhat related, I tried making a Tinder account and I can't even get it to send me the confirmation code.

That's so strange considering that all of them are owned by the same company. If anything, check the the Tinder and OKC subreddits. They more or less glaze over how the algorithms work there. And someone asked the same question in the Dating-Age thread regarding the confirmation code. It sounds like it's a new thing because whenever I reboot my account, it's never asked for anything.

Downloaded tinder again!

Spoiler

i really don't know why I do this to myself

Ladies love animal pics so borrow a bodega cat or a friend's pet and take a selfie with it. The aforementioned Tinder subreddit is a pretty solid community. If ladies see the tats, they're going to love it. OKC would also be a safe bet to cover you bases.

What are the new apps people are using? Are there any?

Currently have bumble, okcupid, pof, tinder, clover, happn, & coffee meets bagel

Funny enough, yesterday was the busiest day of the year for dating apps according to a couple of articles I just read. The articles that I linked mention that dating apps are starting to become increasingly more niche and tailor to specific interests e,g, bacon lovers, gym rats, but of course the downside is that they don't have the bells and whistles of the bigger dating apps nor the install base. One of the articles mentioned Sapio which is an app for sapiosexuals, another one mentioned Whim, and the last link mentioned Greenlight. Here's a quote from each of the linked articles on the current state of dating apps:

Historically, Dating Sunday kicks off the busiest season for online dating, according to Smith. People are expected to be virtually swiping, crushing, winking, and liking more than ever this year as more American adults turn to online dating.

"People are burned out because they're spending so much time on their mobile phones and they're swiping ... and the percentage of those swipes to actually meeting in person is really disproportionate," says Julie Spira, founder of CyberDatingExpert.com.

Spira says she believes that 2017 will see more of a push for people to meet in real life. She predicts a rise in apps like Whim, which skips the pre-date conversation and immediately matches people for meetups.

Julie Spira, an online dating expert who has been coaching people in finding the right match for about 20 years, says that this is in large part due to the fatigue many are beginning to feel when hours of swiping result in very little real-life action. “Many people [just] use these apps for entertainment, swiping on their lunch break,” she said. “But more and more people who first started using dating apps years ago are looking for more real matches.”

...

It’s the same game-based interest that another dating app also created last year hopes to capitalize: Greenlight, one of the many apps that use geo-location technology, has been described as “Pokémon Go” meets dating. Using realtime features that show where nearby single members are (yellow and red light indicators indicate some degree of pre-existing romantic involvement), the app is meant to help people identify the hot spots for the uninvolved and plan out their travels like some kind of thirst-driven scavenger hunt.

Kyne and Kyled05's break ups might be attributed to being a case of new year, new changes. I do agree that people are going on too many first dates and not enough second or third dates myself included.

That being said to answer your question, I have OKC, Tinder, Bumble, CMB, and Feeld installed on my phone but I'm only semi-active on OKC and Tinder to a lesser extent. I had Hapn installed on my phone at some point but never got anything. There's a couple that met via Hapn that one of the articles mentioned so I'll give it another shot. I'm not super active on dating since I'm trying to get my goals organized.

 

[Jawmuncher]

That's so strange considering that all of them are owned by the same company. If anything, check the the Tinder and OKC subreddits. They more or less glaze over how the algorithms work there. And someone asked the same question in the Dating-Age thread regarding the confirmation code. It sounds like it's a new thing because whenever I reboot my account, it's never asked for anything.


Ladies love animal pics so borrow a bodega cat or a friend's pet and take a selfie with it. The aforementioned Tinder subreddit is a pretty solid community. If ladies see the tats, they're going to love it. OKC would also be a safe bet to cover you bases.


Funny enough, yesterday was the busiest day of the year for dating apps according to a couple of articles I just read. The articles that I linked mention that dating apps are starting to become increasingly more niche and tailor to specific interests e,g, bacon lovers, gym rats, but of course the downside is that they don't have the bells and whistles of the bigger dating apps nor the install base. One of the articles mentioned Sapio which is an app for sapiosexuals, another one mentioned Whim, and the last link mentioned Greenlight. Here's a quote from each of the linked articles on the current state of dating apps:







Kyne and Kyled05's break ups might be attributed to being a case of new year, new changes. I do agree that people are going on too many first dates and not enough second or third dates myself included.

That being said to answer your question, I have OKC, Tinder, Bumble, CMB, and Feeld installed on my phone but I'm only semi-active on OKC and Tinder to a lesser extent. I had Hapn installed on my phone at some point but never got anything. There's a couple that met via Hapn that one of the articles mentioned so I'll give it another shot. I'm not super active on dating since I'm trying to get my goals organized.

This was all the info I was looking for, thank you.

 

[Lulubop]

Dating Sunday is the official end to cuffin' season?

 

[Jhoan]

Dating Sunday is the official end to cuffin' season?

Eau contraire, the beginning of it.

 

[Servbot24]

Anyone minding looking at my OKC profile? I've actually been making an effort on there the last week but have very little response. I'm wondering if there's some kind of taboo in there, or if I'm just awkward in my messages.

https://www.okcupid.com/profile/stylusian

Sample opening messages (each of these is based on of a comment on the profile of the girl I'm messaging):

"Have you ever ridden an elephant? I never have but it's definitely something I'd like to do one day. If the elephants are okay with it, which I'm not really sure of. I'll have to ask them."

"Hey, my name's Ian! Good to meet a fellow expert shower singer. Do you go out to see many concerts?"

"Do you read much non-fiction? I've been reading a lot of that lately. Currently going through Mastery by Robert Greene and Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, both really good!"

 

[Kyne]

Anyone minding looking at my OKC profile? I've actually been making an effort on there the last week but have very little response. I'm wondering if there's some kind of taboo in there, or if I'm just awkward in my messages.

https://www.okcupid.com/profile/stylusian

Sample opening messages (each of these is based on of a comment on the profile of the girl I'm messaging):

"Have you ever ridden an elephant? I never have but it's definitely something I'd like to do one day. If the elephants are okay with it, which I'm not really sure of. I'll have to ask them."

"Hey, my name's Ian! Good to meet a fellow expert shower singer. Do you go out to see many concerts?"

"Do you read much non-fiction? I've been reading a lot of that lately. Currently going through Mastery by Robert Greene and Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, both really good!"

The profile is good, although maybe ixnay on the cuddling. Seems out of place.

Your main profile picture is a good one, however I'm not sure how it fairs vs. pictures where the face is in clean sight. Since girls have hundreds of guys to go through they might just ignore your profile altogether since they can't properly see your face while browsing.

All your questions are well thought out, however they seem a bit formulaic. I can't comment on them too much since I don't know who you were messaging, but if I read those vs. something with more spunk I'd probably pick the latter.

 

[Lone_Prodigy]

Can't view your profile at the moment so I'll just tackle the messages.

"Have you ever ridden an elephant? I never have but it's definitely something I'd like to do one day. If the elephants are okay with it, which I'm not really sure of. I'll have to ask them."

Do they like animals? Have they been to Asia/Africa? Kind of a random reference and not the greatest joke.

"I'd love to ride an elephant one day but only if I had to pay peanuts for it."

"Hey, my name's Ian! Good to meet a fellow expert shower singer. Do you go out to see many concerts?"

I assume they like singing in the shower. I don't know if concerts are a good segue. I might've mentioned "My favourite songs to belt out are by Whitney Houston, but if I have family/friends over I'm doing Mariah Carey." (Kind of an obscure reference there.)

"Do you read much non-fiction? I've been reading a lot of that lately. Currently going through Mastery by Robert Greene and Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, both really good!"

They like reading? I've never heard of those books, so the reference may go over their heads.

"I've been reading a lot of non-fiction lately, like your profile. It's quite engrossing!"

Honestly, your messages are already better than "hey" and various propositional ones, and I am being really nitpicky. At the end of the day, if she's interested in you, she'll respond.

 

[Servbot24]

Those are all good tips. Maybe I need to spend a little more time making the message, I tend to write them quickly in order to avoid getting too invested.

edit: and yes she had specifically mentioned elephants, lol

 

[Shanlei91]

Matched with a cute 18 year old who asked if I wanted to buy drugs and after I declined she then asked if she could come over to which my paranoid self thought "ITS A TRAP."

I kinda wanted to be paternal and give her a lecture on how she shouldn't solicit strangers into buying drugs or post photos of herself with booze on instagram.

I hate that Tinder stops working after 3 months. I don't understand why this happens. I understand the pool of girls get smaller, matches decreasing is normal but I go from regular several daily matches to several days without matches. It's bloody annoying. I'm swiping right profiles that if I reset and swipe again I end up matching. What do they have against long time users?

Their algorithms are built so the experience is not too unlike a phone Gacha game. It feels like you're succeeding at first (i.e. a new account is thrown in front of every person swiping at the time) but as time goes by, you appear less and less on other people's phones. The pool is barely getting smaller, you're not getting uglier, the app just isn't putting you out there. They hope that triggers you into putting money towards it. Even then, the only paying feature that counters this is the Boost - which works similarly to how a new account would. Tested this with a friend where I wasn't appearing on her Tinder even though I was standing next to her...she kept swiping until it said "no new people".

I would say that I prefer OkCupid in how it lets me search for women but even that has some algorithms at play. Example: run a search for women on the browser and see what comes up. Then switch that search to m.okcupid.com (mobile site) and the results will change, sometimes drastically.

I'm loving the 5'11" redhead I met on OKC. Just go for it. Climb that mountain.

Haha I was seeing a girl a good 5 inches taller than me from OKC during the summer. I would've ended it after the first date but she reminded me of Taylor Swift so I kept giving her more chances. So I have no issue with being shorter.

Personally 17 miles is too far away for me as my max search distance is set to 5 miles. Ain't nobody got time to be traveling.

So true, but she's in NJ and more than willing to come into the city. Scheduled a date for Wednesday.

 

[Salamando]

Anyone minding looking at my OKC profile? I've actually been making an effort on there the last week but have very little response. I'm wondering if there's some kind of taboo in there, or if I'm just awkward in my messages.

https://www.okcupid.com/profile/stylusian

The big thing that needs pointing out - your main profile pic. In the dating thread you mentioned being shy. That pic is shyness. Your eyes aren't visible at all, and your head is mostly hidden by shadows. That betrays the "I'm awesome, come date me!" message a profile should be advertising. It's also the pic that gets used in Quickmatch, and there's not much visible for a girl to like.

Your text needs more creative writing, less essay. Rub some funk on it! Jokes, (the beginning of) stories, non-sequiturs, whatever works for you. If you didn't state art was your passion, I wouldn't have felt it from the text.

 

[Assanova]

Anyone minding looking at my OKC profile? I've actually been making an effort on there the last week but have very little response. I'm wondering if there's some kind of taboo in there, or if I'm just awkward in my messages.

https://www.okcupid.com/profile/stylusian

Sample opening messages (each of these is based on of a comment on the profile of the girl I'm messaging):

"Have you ever ridden an elephant? I never have but it's definitely something I'd like to do one day. If the elephants are okay with it, which I'm not really sure of. I'll have to ask them."

"Hey, my name's Ian! Good to meet a fellow expert shower singer. Do you go out to see many concerts?"

"Do you read much non-fiction? I've been reading a lot of that lately. Currently going through Mastery by Robert Greene and Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, both really good!"

Get rid of the selfies, and post more pics of you being social or out doing stuff. If you don't have any, go out and take some. It should be a habit to get at least one picture anytime you are out doing anything interesting or social. It doesn't hurt to ask someone to take a pic for you.

 

[TangerineCloud]

Tfw you're trying to move on from your very recent break-up but you stumble upon your ex-girlfriend's OkCupid profile in QuickMatch. Mmf, yeah, twist that knife real good.

EDIT: Ended up messaging her and turning it into a sort of funny, awkward moment. All is well.

DOUBLE EDIT: Jesus, just encountered her on Tinder, too. The universe really ain't trying to go easy on me right now, lmao.

 

[Clairvoyance]

So how do you guys handle people who only log into a dating site once a day? Meaning I'm only receiving and thus sending a single message per day. It's kind of hard to make any progress at that rate. I messaged her on Saturday, and since then, there's only been a total of 8 messages between us. Do I ask for a number or wait it out a few more days and then ask?

 

[True Savior]

So how do you guys handle people who only log into a dating site once a day? Meaning I'm only receiving and thus sending a single message per day. It's kind of hard to make any progress at that rate. I messaged her on Saturday, and since then, there's only been a total of 8 messages between us. Do I ask for a number or wait it out a few more days and then ask?

That mostly shows a lack of interest. No matter how busy a person is, one thing is not to go on dating sites regularly, another is starting a conversation and in 4 days write 4 messages. What does that tell you?

It doesn't hurt to ask for the number but it doesn't look very promising.

Their algorithms are built so the experience is not too unlike a phone Gacha game. It feels like you're succeeding at first (i.e. a new account is thrown in front of every person swiping at the time) but as time goes by, you appear less and less on other people's phones. The pool is barely getting smaller, you're not getting uglier, the app just isn't putting you out there. They hope that triggers you into putting money towards it. Even then, the only paying feature that counters this is the Boost - which works similarly to how a new account would. Tested this with a friend where I wasn't appearing on her Tinder even though I was standing next to her...she kept swiping until it said "no new people".

The pool here gets smaller definitely. After a few months I will mostly get foreign girls vising the city.

The thing is, how is that a good business model? If anything, I wouldn't jump to Plus or Boost cause I stopped having matches. What's the point of putting money on something that stops working? I don't have any assurance that it will work (I know it does, as does resetting, but from the pov of a person who doesn't know that, it seems an inefficient way to promote their paid options).

 

[TangerineCloud]

So how do you guys handle people who only log into a dating site once a day? Meaning I'm only receiving and thus sending a single message per day. It's kind of hard to make any progress at that rate. I messaged her on Saturday, and since then, there's only been a total of 8 messages between us. Do I ask for a number or wait it out a few more days and then ask?

Can't hurt to ask for a number, but what true Savior said could very well be true. What does your conversation look like right now? Still doing introductions and exchanging pleasantries for the most part? Or have you already established a rapport and gotten into a decent conversation? The latter would seem salvageable to me; the former, less so.

 

[Clairvoyance]

Can't hurt to ask for a number, but what true Savior said could very well be true. What does your conversation look like right now? Still doing introductions and exchanging pleasantries for the most part? Or have you already established a rapport and gotten into a decent conversation? The latter would seem salvageable to me; the former, less so.

Our messages are decently long, about 2-3 short paragraphs. Mostly just discussing our mutual interests, but she has been including questions in her responses so I suppose that's a good sign. She did add me on PSN but that really doesn't mean much to me. I'll just ask her the next time she responds and I'll see what happens. I'm not overly invested since it's only been a few days so it's whatever, but just figured I'd ask for future reference. Thanks for the opinions!

 

[TangerineCloud]

Our messages are decently long, about 2-3 short paragraphs. Mostly just discussing our mutual interests, but she has been including questions in her responses so I suppose that's a good sign. She did add me on PSN but that really doesn't mean much to me. I'll just ask her the next time she responds and I'll see what happens. I'm not overly invested since it's only been a few days so it's whatever, but just figured I'd ask for future reference. Thanks for the opinions!

Ah, that actually sounds like you may be in a pretty good spot. Doing more than one of those paragraphs-long responses a day can be a little draining, so one response per day for a conversation like that is fairly normal in my experience.

 

[DongBeetle]

I'm getting two matches in Tinder like once a month and I swipe right on nearly everyone. Is it likely my profile is shit or could it just be good old fashioned uglyness?

 

[Salamando]

I'm getting two matches in Tinder like once a month and I swipe right on nearly everyone. Is it likely my profile is shit or could it just be good old fashioned uglyness?

Hard to tell without seeing the pics. Profile text won't matter nearly as much on Tinder (as opposed to OKCupid), so your pics are the likely culprit. I wouldn't call it ugliness - it's more likely your photos suck. Or maybe the demographics just don't work in your favor (ex: a gay muslim in small-town texas is gonna have a hard time finding matches).

 

[Servbot24]

Get rid of the selfies, and post more pics of you being social or out doing stuff. If you don't have any, go out and take some. It should be a habit to get at least one picture anytime you are out doing anything interesting or social. It doesn't hurt to ask someone to take a pic for you.

Yeah I wanted to use a more social pic but just didn't have any good ones. I'll try to make some happen though.

 

[True Savior]

I'm getting two matches in Tinder like once a month and I swipe right on nearly everyone. Is it likely my profile is shit or could it just be good old fashioned uglyness?

If this is happening since you started, your photos are terrible.