Votes:
- Nezumi - "Reinstated"
- Aaron - "The Grand Hunt Resumes"
- Mike M - "Workshop"
Here we go! I'm going to comment and critique a bit hardcore and I would really appreciate the same done for my story.
Ourobolus said:
Good, short, and weird. Kinda like this mini-critique! Haha. Can't really come up with more to say, honestly.
Aaron said:
I absolutely loved this one. Easily the most well-rounded and believable characters of the stories submitted, I feel. Which is impressive since it's clearly fantasy! Most clear use of the "second chance" theme too, which I appreciate since I can be a bit thick. My only nitpick is that the words didn't seem to come together as tightly as they could have, some of the descriptions seemed a bit overdone and it felt a bit dragged out getting to when the captain showed up. However since a lot of it was building the characters I can't say that was bad either. I also kinda wished it had been clearer from the start it was a fantasy-ish world, as like I said I can be a bit thick.
But anyways, yeah, loved this.
lastflowers said:
"They Always Have Next Year"
I didn't really understand this one. A lot of the passages had me going back and re-reading them, then going back and re-reading the story up to that point. If it was meant to be mysterious, it definitely accomplished that.
While the story was confusing for me, I thought the actual prose was great. Superb quality there.
Azih said:
This evoked real emotion from me, and I empathized with the characters which is rare even for longer stories. The story was solid, too. Believable and realistic without feeling cliche. That said I felt like some of the emotional parts were really forced, like they were supposed to be important but not enough time was given to them so they're glossed over and yet it's supposed to have a big impact on the reader. Once I got passed that, I was really into the story and the closing scene. Good work.
Ward said:
"The Destruction of Honesty Ensures Protection"
This one had so much going for it but I was kind of let down by the ending. Might have been my fault for expecting it to go in another direction with the "second chances" theme. Otherwise it was a good story, some of the writing felt a bit padded like the environmental descriptions, but it took a situation I was unfamiliar with and made it familiar. The story was tight, too, which I liked, with enough of the backstory teased that it felt like a well rounded world.
Mike M said:
I really liked this story! Unfortunately I was somewhat confused with how it was written, specifically with how the characters were introduced. I had to triple take and re-read when the goat was introduced, then I thought
it was Verderben, then I realized "Verderben apparently is wearing gloves on his hoofs? Wait he has hands? Oh he's a different person." Then it mentions "three winners," which I assumed were the goat, Jackson, and Verderben, but then they mention some other guys watching kids? (Ew?) Some framing might have helped me out better, but I know it's based on past writing challenges so I'm a bit handicapped when evaluating it. That said, I laughed hard twice during reading this story, and chuckled at some other points. And I loved the idea. Good story.
Carlisle said:
I liked the setup, however something about the concept didn't seem right to me… It seemed like high concept was trying to collide with logic and lampshading it to little effect. I also thought the fourth wall breaking was a bit out of place ("for the sake of this story.") Donald was a great character and I know it might even be true to life, but his single "moment of inspiration" felt too contrived to me and should probably had a better explanation. I actually like this one a lot more than this critique paints, sorry if I come off harsh.
The ending was great, gave me a smile.
kaepernickehs said:
Goddamn I hate this but I have to be harshest on your story Coppy.
I didn't understand it, I mean I got the two characters involved and their frustrations, but I was unsure how the situation came about or even what they were trying to work out or even how they knew each other. It felt intentionally vague at the start when it didn't need to be. Some of the text was also confusing when the characters were doing an action or speaking, even going back and thoroughly re-reading didn't dispel the nagging thought that who I thought was talking wasn't actually the one talking.
I hate not having something good to say, man this sucks. I'm sorry dude.
If it's any consolation I know you've done far better stuff (IMO) and that this was probably rushed today to make the deadline.
Moobabe said:
Too meta for me, man.
Ashes said:
First couple sentences hooked me and the story didn't let me go. I'm not one for first person but this story pulled it off extremely well and believably. I'm not sure how believable the story was though, and the lampshading didn't really convince me. I was also confused at the end, how did he save that other man's daughter? Other than that it was excellent. Fantastic writing.
Cyan said:
Loved the prose here, it seems like you used just the right words in just the right way. The story moved at a great clip as well. Something about the loser protagonist rubbed me the wrong way, but maybe that's because he seems a bit similar to my own loser protagonist.
Maybe because he said he hadn't seen her since elementary school but still had all these expectations of being with her. Otherwise really it was a really enjoyable read.
Nezumi said:
Right off the bat I loved the writing style, something about the words chosen and where they were injected really appealed to me. I liked the narrative too, taking a cliche and sprucing it up a bit. The "twist" at the end (I presume that was JFK?) was quite clever too. And the banter was great. My only want is that it was clearer at the beginning about the characters we were dealing with, because I can be slow on that stuff.
Chainsawkitten said:
Personally, I thought a lot of the text was kind of filler-y. I would have preferred more context of the wife and son's deaths than the father going on and on about all he does for his kids. At the end it tries to wrap it up into a "love conquers all" message but it fell flat for me and just felt creepy. Maybe the creepiness was supposed to have a point, but it was lost somewhere in the transition between thought and typing.
Tangent said:
Interesting set up, and while I know it was supposed to leave the question hanging in the air I still felt unsatisfied as a reader. Why did they leave?!