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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #138 - "A Second Chance"
- Thread starter Ashes
- Start date
- Status
Yeah, I guess I was too vague with that one...
ThatObviousUser
ὠαἴÏÏιÏÏÎ¿Ï Ïαá¿Ï εἶ
That sounds great to me. I, myself, am new to these challenges (this being only my 2nd submission), and I can certainly echo your enthusiasm for giving and receiving critiques. I'm new to publicly showing my writing at all, actually, so it's been quite the rush to make something, throw it out there, stand by it, and watch it get picked apart. I've been most surprised by how much I get out of and learn from giving critiques. You're exposed to 10-15 different writing styles per week and you have to decide what you liked/disliked from each and why. And you can take every bit of that with you the following week when you work to improve on your own writing. It's a great setup for practicing and getting better.
Ah! Thanks for clearing that up. I like getting the chance to put the pieces together in stories myself as I read, so I appreciate what you did with that. But yeah, I guess I needed a walkthrough for this one. It's a clever concept.
lastflowers
Banned
I agree with this quite a bit. Critiquing others is half the experience out of participating in these challenges (at least for me). Seeing the wide array of writers here, both stylistically and by genre, helps me more easily assess what works and what doesn't work. How my (admittedly) intentionally 'snapped rubber-band' stories break and why exactly they do so. Also, it's great to see people around similar age who are fantastic writers
. It's very encouraging!Votes:
1- Carlisle
2- Ashes1396
3- Azih
Comments:
Ourobolus - This was great. It was funny. It had vivid descriptions. It had a real sense of character despite its brief length, and the punchline really worked for me.
lastflowers - It's 'sluiced.' This is full of nice, rich descriptions, but I don't know enough about the main character early on to feel invested. I guess I'm looking for more personality early on. I feel like I'm missing the bigger picture because I don't the details I need to anchor myself.
Azih - It's an emotional piece with a depth to the characters and their situations, but I feel strongly that the main character needs to do or decide something by the end. To wipe away the tears and express everything that has happened to her up to this point through action. That's the cherry this otherwise excellent story is lacking.
Andrex - I think it's the nature of current entertainment, but I couldn't shake I was reading the set up to a serial killer. Maybe it's the odd choice of not naming the main character. I'm not sure why it's not first person. The narrative bias drifts that way anyway. It was still a very pleasant read, capturing the main character's wistfulness without getting too creepy.
Ward - I honestly liked the original more. The first person brought an immediacy this one lacked. Also 'He had done it the first time because the Captain had asked him.' should be your first line, or something like it. Give the reader right away to be interested in what's about to happen. I still feel like you have a lot of good details but they're not organized properly. The flashback to his conversation with the captain right in the middle feels awkward. There's no reason you couldn't start with this.
Mike M - This almost worked. I think all it needed was a stronger starting kernel to work from. Since the initial story isn't told save for the punchline, the reader isn't given enough to work from, and so the suggestions that follow feel too vague. What it needed was a simple but specific idea that both the reader and the characters could latch onto, build up, and twist out of shape.
Carlisle - You're overdoing it. You have a really, really good story here, but the narrative voice is a little too heavy handed for my tastes. When you get into the dialogue, that heavy handed sensation goes away. I guess it's thought to be fitting for this sort of fairy tale style, but I think it hurts more than helps. Because the moments when that omniscient voice lessens are pretty amazing, especially the ending.
kaepernickehs - It's a great setup looking for a better payoff. The end reveal doesn't really make sense with what comes before it, considering how vague things are to make it work. People at the DMV are very specific. It would make more sense if it was an argument over a restaurant promotion or such.
Moobabe - You have a strong style. The writing is very good. It just needs a subject to latch onto.
Ashes1396 - This was great, and no surprise as you usually nail the emotional stuff. There's a lot of character in his shock and his grief and how everything rolls along that feels more focused than normal. I think the patter helps bind it all together. Minor thing is it would be a huge violation of most hospital policy in the doctor suggesting and the man knowing the donor. I don't think the story needs it.
Cyan - You made me read TWO stories since I didn't remember the original. That's almost cheating. The writing is very smart, and it's framed very well. The other characters are well written, but the main character is a bit shallow, and his situation is cliche, even if you dress it up with good details. I wish there was some unique hook to their situation that could add an accent to it. Bring out the flavor.
Nezumi - I really doubt heaven had much interest in JFK. With the Cuban missile crisis, Vietnam, and a whole mess of sex scandals, Hell would have more interest in keeping him alive. Then again you never make god's intentions clear. Maybe they did exactly what they were supposed to.
Chainsawkitten - You capture the growing creepiness well, but it's a little less disturbing when it goes where expected it to. I think a conflict near the end that throws things off would have helped, as well as more specific details on the earlier tutoring of the children. The sort of things he thought important, and the ones he discarded. What questions they asked of him, and such.
Tangent - Yeah that's the stuff. I like they arrive and then leave without explanation. I think you could have filled up the middle though with sorts of things they did on Earth without really giving any explanation to their actions. Just to make it feel like a more complete, well rounded story.
1- Carlisle
2- Ashes1396
3- Azih
Comments:
Ourobolus - This was great. It was funny. It had vivid descriptions. It had a real sense of character despite its brief length, and the punchline really worked for me.
lastflowers - It's 'sluiced.' This is full of nice, rich descriptions, but I don't know enough about the main character early on to feel invested. I guess I'm looking for more personality early on. I feel like I'm missing the bigger picture because I don't the details I need to anchor myself.
Azih - It's an emotional piece with a depth to the characters and their situations, but I feel strongly that the main character needs to do or decide something by the end. To wipe away the tears and express everything that has happened to her up to this point through action. That's the cherry this otherwise excellent story is lacking.
Andrex - I think it's the nature of current entertainment, but I couldn't shake I was reading the set up to a serial killer. Maybe it's the odd choice of not naming the main character. I'm not sure why it's not first person. The narrative bias drifts that way anyway. It was still a very pleasant read, capturing the main character's wistfulness without getting too creepy.
Ward - I honestly liked the original more. The first person brought an immediacy this one lacked. Also 'He had done it the first time because the Captain had asked him.' should be your first line, or something like it. Give the reader right away to be interested in what's about to happen. I still feel like you have a lot of good details but they're not organized properly. The flashback to his conversation with the captain right in the middle feels awkward. There's no reason you couldn't start with this.
Mike M - This almost worked. I think all it needed was a stronger starting kernel to work from. Since the initial story isn't told save for the punchline, the reader isn't given enough to work from, and so the suggestions that follow feel too vague. What it needed was a simple but specific idea that both the reader and the characters could latch onto, build up, and twist out of shape.
Carlisle - You're overdoing it. You have a really, really good story here, but the narrative voice is a little too heavy handed for my tastes. When you get into the dialogue, that heavy handed sensation goes away. I guess it's thought to be fitting for this sort of fairy tale style, but I think it hurts more than helps. Because the moments when that omniscient voice lessens are pretty amazing, especially the ending.
kaepernickehs - It's a great setup looking for a better payoff. The end reveal doesn't really make sense with what comes before it, considering how vague things are to make it work. People at the DMV are very specific. It would make more sense if it was an argument over a restaurant promotion or such.
Moobabe - You have a strong style. The writing is very good. It just needs a subject to latch onto.
Ashes1396 - This was great, and no surprise as you usually nail the emotional stuff. There's a lot of character in his shock and his grief and how everything rolls along that feels more focused than normal. I think the patter helps bind it all together. Minor thing is it would be a huge violation of most hospital policy in the doctor suggesting and the man knowing the donor. I don't think the story needs it.
Cyan - You made me read TWO stories since I didn't remember the original. That's almost cheating. The writing is very smart, and it's framed very well. The other characters are well written, but the main character is a bit shallow, and his situation is cliche, even if you dress it up with good details. I wish there was some unique hook to their situation that could add an accent to it. Bring out the flavor.
Nezumi - I really doubt heaven had much interest in JFK. With the Cuban missile crisis, Vietnam, and a whole mess of sex scandals, Hell would have more interest in keeping him alive. Then again you never make god's intentions clear. Maybe they did exactly what they were supposed to.
Chainsawkitten - You capture the growing creepiness well, but it's a little less disturbing when it goes where expected it to. I think a conflict near the end that throws things off would have helped, as well as more specific details on the earlier tutoring of the children. The sort of things he thought important, and the ones he discarded. What questions they asked of him, and such.
Tangent - Yeah that's the stuff. I like they arrive and then leave without explanation. I think you could have filled up the middle though with sorts of things they did on Earth without really giving any explanation to their actions. Just to make it feel like a more complete, well rounded story.
ThatObviousUser
ὠαἴÏÏιÏÏÎ¿Ï Ïαá¿Ï εἶ
Awesome, glad to know I'm not the only newbie here. I completely agree that reading the other stories seems to help more than I thought it would.
I did have this worry in mind when writing it so further revisions made him less of a creep (went to the beach with friends, other girlfriends, etc.) and I tried to lampshade it from the start. An earlier revision also had him "following" her to the cafe but I removed that language in an attempt to de-creep-ify it more. I do know I could have gone further but I needed someone who was recognizable as something of a loser. Thanks for this criticism.
As for it not being in first person, I just don't write first person stories that well. It's something I'll try to tackle with future stories but I didn't want any potential roadblocks with this one.
Ourobolus - "Tatered and Torn" - "Their eyes locked" is totally the best line. It was funny, but I would've liked to see a more serious entry.
Aaron - "The Grand Hunt Resumes" - This is purely presentational, but for some reason the large margins bug me when I'm trying to read. I enjoyed the character and premise a lot, but again, it feel like something that ought to be expanded so we can get the whole story. I got confused over which was which with the apprentices; maybe a few too many minor characters for something this length.
lastflowers - "They Always Have Next Year" - My main feeling on reading this piece is confusion. I gather that this is a character study rather than a plot-driven story, but I never felt like I had a solid grasp on any of the characters. The main character is an old man, and has children, some of whom are grown-up, I got that much. Possibly his wife is there, or an older daughter? And he had a twin brother at some point? I don't know, I was mostly lost. Maybe that was intentional.
Azih - "Estate" - Very effective! I was pulled in by the voice of the MC, and worried that her father would have something nasty to say in his will. The ending really got me. Good job on that. If I were to change anything, I'd try to speed up the beginning. It feels front-loaded with exposition and a few too many of the standard things you get in this sort of story. It starts becoming its own thing when she's kicking the walls and screaming and then a dead-eyed zombie.
Andrex - "Requited" - Ha! I like the narrator's attitude, and that he's not entirely the standard sad-sack hero of this sort of tale. What I don't like is how much of the story is narrative summary rather than action. There's really only one scene that's in-the-moment, and it is the key scene, but I'd still like a little more. Maybe show us a scene from high school, when he first started being attracted to her. Show us a more complete scene from the time he's going to ask her out, but trips on his shoelaces. You can lace the scenes with some of the exposition, and it won't feel like so much. Edit: Also! Welcome to the writing challenges dude, hope you come back.
Ward - "The Destruction of Honesty Ensures Protection" - Interesting decision, to choose your most recent piece to do over! I might have gone a little further back, so it wasn't so fresh in our heads. I think most of the changes you made were solid. I get a much better feel for the character and what he actually does. I think the change to the ending... kind of works, and kind of doesn't. The event was stronger in the previous version because it was the MC really fucking up, but on the other hand his cover-up here does more to illustrate his descent into corruption. I dunno. I might have still spent a little more time on his internal justifications for what he does.
Mike M - "Character Workshop" - It wasn't that bad, Mike. Honestly, this is a bit too meta for me. I think if these stories were more recent and I remembered their protagonists better, I would have enjoyed it a bit more. As it is, the story was silly fun, but, well...it doesn't have enough conflict and characterization and plot arc, y'know?
Second half a bit later...
Aaron - "The Grand Hunt Resumes" - This is purely presentational, but for some reason the large margins bug me when I'm trying to read. I enjoyed the character and premise a lot, but again, it feel like something that ought to be expanded so we can get the whole story. I got confused over which was which with the apprentices; maybe a few too many minor characters for something this length.
lastflowers - "They Always Have Next Year" - My main feeling on reading this piece is confusion. I gather that this is a character study rather than a plot-driven story, but I never felt like I had a solid grasp on any of the characters. The main character is an old man, and has children, some of whom are grown-up, I got that much. Possibly his wife is there, or an older daughter? And he had a twin brother at some point? I don't know, I was mostly lost. Maybe that was intentional.
Azih - "Estate" - Very effective! I was pulled in by the voice of the MC, and worried that her father would have something nasty to say in his will. The ending really got me. Good job on that. If I were to change anything, I'd try to speed up the beginning. It feels front-loaded with exposition and a few too many of the standard things you get in this sort of story. It starts becoming its own thing when she's kicking the walls and screaming and then a dead-eyed zombie.
Andrex - "Requited" - Ha! I like the narrator's attitude, and that he's not entirely the standard sad-sack hero of this sort of tale. What I don't like is how much of the story is narrative summary rather than action. There's really only one scene that's in-the-moment, and it is the key scene, but I'd still like a little more. Maybe show us a scene from high school, when he first started being attracted to her. Show us a more complete scene from the time he's going to ask her out, but trips on his shoelaces. You can lace the scenes with some of the exposition, and it won't feel like so much. Edit: Also! Welcome to the writing challenges dude, hope you come back.
Ward - "The Destruction of Honesty Ensures Protection" - Interesting decision, to choose your most recent piece to do over! I might have gone a little further back, so it wasn't so fresh in our heads. I think most of the changes you made were solid. I get a much better feel for the character and what he actually does. I think the change to the ending... kind of works, and kind of doesn't. The event was stronger in the previous version because it was the MC really fucking up, but on the other hand his cover-up here does more to illustrate his descent into corruption. I dunno. I might have still spent a little more time on his internal justifications for what he does.
Mike M - "Character Workshop" - It wasn't that bad, Mike.
Honestly, this is a bit too meta for me. I think if these stories were more recent and I remembered their protagonists better, I would have enjoyed it a bit more. As it is, the story was silly fun, but, well...it doesn't have enough conflict and characterization and plot arc, y'know? Second half a bit later...
Ourobolus - "Tatered and Torn" - "Their eyes locked" is totally the best line. It was funny, but I would've liked to see a more serious entry.
Sometimes you just need a break from the serious stuff!
Mike M - "Character Workshop"[/B] - It wasn't that bad, Mike.
It was not noted without awareness of the irony. Heh
ThatObviousUser
ὠαἴÏÏιÏÏÎ¿Ï Ïαá¿Ï εἶ
Thank you! It was pretty difficult trying to find subtle ways to make him stand out, so I'm glad you recognized that.
I definitely rushed that scene and a future rewrite would assuredly add some more meat there, as well as another present-day scene perhaps before he asks her out.
Edit: Also! Welcome to the writing challenges dude, hope you come back.
Thanks, I'll make every attempt!
ThatObviousUser
ὠαἴÏÏιÏÏÎ¿Ï Ïαá¿Ï εἶ
Did Coppy srsly get banned AGAIN. v_v
Ourobolus: I really liked the way you described how a man could ever have sympathy for a baked potato. The description of the burns were really graphic. I think it needed to do something more with it though
Aaron: Great characters, and a great world introduced in a very short amount of time. The main character kept on throwing me in a good way with how much of a rogue he still is despite his age.
lastflowers: Great slow piece, maybe a bit too much Americana for me though.
Andrex: The main character was very believable, it just rung a little off for me that the girl he was pursuing wouldn't remember him from High School though.
Ward: Very sad descent for the main character. It's hard to tell whether he was failing or succeeding at the chances he was given but I think that was the point of the corrupt ambiguity he lives in. Good stuff.
Mike M: Marty should be glad. He got a great story to be a part of. Sure it's meta, but I didn't need to go back and read any of the other stories the characters were taken from (been out of writing challenges for a long time now) and I think that's a real credit to your writing. The goat was confusing until it wasn't which was really well executed, just fun all around. You think you're a mediocre writer? How do you think that makes everyone else who doesn't get the votes you will feel? Huh?
Carlisle: Really nice fable quality to the story. Not sure how turning into snowlakes would cure Cloudtopia of its malaise or why Dunstan needed Donald's help to carry out the plan, and why the boy on the island was targeted is really missing information. But despite all that the final scene really worked for me.
kaepernickehs: Short and gets across the beureaucratic hell. But I didn't care for any of the characters. I think maybe a little more setup and fleshing out of the story was needed.
Moobabe: Self indulgent. But we've all been there It takes some courage to be open publically. And hey, you're writing! Much better than not writing right?
Ashes1396: Good and bad, sad and lonely, but at the very end a little bit of hope. The entire human condition. Just lovely.
Cyan: The 'Yes we Can' can I think gave the story the perfect jolt of absurd humour while still being completely important to the main character's journey. Liked the whole thing really.
Nezumi: The JFK allusion got me chuckling at the end. I completely missed the Lincoln connection though like others. Really liked the portrayal of the angels. However I don't know if Lucio was the best idea. Seems like an allusion to Lucifer and that just brings a lot of baggage that detracted from the story for me. Why not call him Mike or something?
Chainsawkitten: Kinda ugh, really really icky. Didn't like it.
Edit: To be more constructive I think that is what you were going for. The slow but constant descent into horror and madness was well executed.
1.Mike M
2.Ashes1396
3.Cyan
HM: Aaron.
Aaron: Great characters, and a great world introduced in a very short amount of time. The main character kept on throwing me in a good way with how much of a rogue he still is despite his age.
lastflowers: Great slow piece, maybe a bit too much Americana for me though.
Andrex: The main character was very believable, it just rung a little off for me that the girl he was pursuing wouldn't remember him from High School though.
Ward: Very sad descent for the main character. It's hard to tell whether he was failing or succeeding at the chances he was given but I think that was the point of the corrupt ambiguity he lives in. Good stuff.
Mike M: Marty should be glad. He got a great story to be a part of. Sure it's meta, but I didn't need to go back and read any of the other stories the characters were taken from (been out of writing challenges for a long time now) and I think that's a real credit to your writing. The goat was confusing until it wasn't which was really well executed, just fun all around. You think you're a mediocre writer? How do you think that makes everyone else who doesn't get the votes you will feel? Huh?
Carlisle: Really nice fable quality to the story. Not sure how turning into snowlakes would cure Cloudtopia of its malaise or why Dunstan needed Donald's help to carry out the plan, and why the boy on the island was targeted is really missing information. But despite all that the final scene really worked for me.
kaepernickehs: Short and gets across the beureaucratic hell. But I didn't care for any of the characters. I think maybe a little more setup and fleshing out of the story was needed.
Moobabe: Self indulgent. But we've all been there
It takes some courage to be open publically. And hey, you're writing! Much better than not writing right?Ashes1396: Good and bad, sad and lonely, but at the very end a little bit of hope. The entire human condition. Just lovely.
Cyan: The 'Yes we Can' can I think gave the story the perfect jolt of absurd humour while still being completely important to the main character's journey. Liked the whole thing really.
Nezumi: The JFK allusion got me chuckling at the end. I completely missed the Lincoln connection though like others. Really liked the portrayal of the angels. However I don't know if Lucio was the best idea. Seems like an allusion to Lucifer and that just brings a lot of baggage that detracted from the story for me. Why not call him Mike or something?
Chainsawkitten: Kinda ugh, really really icky. Didn't like it.
Edit: To be more constructive I think that is what you were going for. The slow but constant descent into horror and madness was well executed.
1.Mike M
2.Ashes1396
3.Cyan
HM: Aaron.
ThatObviousUser
ὠαἴÏÏιÏÏÎ¿Ï Ïαá¿Ï εἶ
This is a good point... Thanks, haha.
I have a profound lack of perspective.
Thanks! That's really helpful, and I see what you mean about the voice. I really should have taken more time editing. By the time I finished the original draft, it was at 2500 words, so I cropped out a lot--mostly other instances of that narrative voice that came in throughout the rest of the story. I probably should have been more thorough and taken it out of everywhere else as well, but I wanted to give the story that charming effect, so I thought I could split the difference by keeping it in the opening. Should have been consistent above all else.
Thanks! To answer the questions, turning into snowflakes was what Dunstan thought was the best way to show the other driplets that things didn't have to be the same anymore, and that they could make the kid happy. It's a tiny gesture, but it's the start of change. I think I made a brief mention alluding to that, but I'd have loved to flesh it out a bit more.
Dunstan needed Donald's help because they were all locked away. And then they needed him to speak to the other driplets on their behalf and explain everything from a familiar face rather than from these 'shamed' or presumed dead people.
As far as the boy on the island, yeah, that was sort of overlooked. It's just the way things were and even they lost sight of why they were doing it. Or, plothole!
I definitely got a bit more ambitious than I wanted to when I started brainstorming the idea, and had to crop out a bunch of details as a result. I should have planned it better and maybe made an outline. I didn't even know how I was going to end it until I was actually writing it out. Good experience though, having to kill so many 'darlings.' Maybe next week I'll try to keep it under 1000 words and see how that goes.
What, puns aren't good enough for you? Especially the last one?
You make me sad. Come, Patsy!
Time for some comments:
Ourobolus - Tatered and Torn
Well since you decided to return to the Bill's potato universe I would have wished that things had turned out to be more epic and fleshed out. We know so much about Bill's side but what about the potato's feelings?
Aaron - The Great Hunt Resumes
I really liked the writing and I think that the setting itself was intriguing. But sadly this story stops when things are about to get interesting. I feel like I read a prelude to a book that really hooked me and then ended up with a bunch of blank pages
lastflowers - The always have next year
When I read the entries for the challenges I always have this little notepad next to me where I scribble down brief thoughts on the different stories. Just a few words each that express whatever thought was most prominent in my head when I read the story. The only thing I wrote next to your name this week was "???".
Other than the fact that there is apparently an old guy sitting on a porch reminiscing about the past everything else just went over my head. Especially that part about an octopus. What on earth was that about?
Azih - Estate
I hate commenting on stories that just hit a little to close to home in some areas. Sure the comments here are never really objective but if things like this happen they tend to become even less so.
Well anyway. The writting was solid and your describtions of feelings and situations felt really accurate.
Andrex - Requited
I like your narrative voice. It think that it flows really well which makes for a good read in my opinion. The story itself was a bit to straight forward to me. Boy likes girl but is afraid to ask her out, does it anyway and has success. That's just a little thin for my taste.
Ward - The Destruction of Honesty ensures Protection
I liked it better than the first one, but it is still not really my kind of story. I think that it feels more like you are making an argument or maybe are asking a question about morals than it feels like you are telling a story. That isn't neccesarly a bad thing though. Just didn't work for me though.
Mike M - Character Workshop
Your story actually made me chuckle and yay for bringing the goat back. That being said I think that this was a clever idea but what put me off a bit was the level of self-deprecation. You overanalyze way too much. And wether you like a story or not shouldn't be determined by how many votes it got here. Some of my stories that I liked best have gotten alomost no points here, others that I hated did surprisingly well. Don't let the confidence in your own work be shattered by something like votes.
Carlisle - Raindrops
This is actually quite a shame, because the whole idea behind this and the setting would be something that is right up my alley. Sadly there were some things that bothered me. The narrator was too present for my taste. The whole thing were he tells the reader what is yet to come and so on. In small doses I really like that but I think you overdid it here. Another thing that bothered me is that there is this apparently super important prison that is forbidden to enter and yet Donald just goes there as if it is the most normal thing in the world. Even more he also seems to have no trouble of freeing a huge bunch of prisoners.
And then there is the ending which in a way is rather beautiful but also makes me wonder how long it will take for the boy on the island to get sick of snow.
kaepernickehs - Hit the Road Jack
The style made this too confusing to follow and for such a short piece there were just too many typos.
Moobabe - Second Chance
This felt more like reading a post than reading a story but hey, since you finally got the confidence to submit something I'll be looking forward to what you will produce when you write an actual story
Ashes - Opus#4
I'm trying to come up with some constructive criticism here but I can't find anything. Well, there was an inconsitency that in the dialoge the man called his wife Audrey and after that the name changed to Maria but other than that... Really, really well executed from begining to ending.
Cyan - Source of Strength
Comparing your version with Tangent's I feel that yours is a bit tighter. I liked that you introduced the term of totem because I think it gave the whole thing a new level of meaning, especially since you changed the ending which I also liked.
Chainsawkitten - Smother
Given the source material and some of your other stories I expected this to be even more disturbing. I actually liked that you dialed it down a notch and weren't as explicit as the original, that gave it a lot more impact and made it feel frighteningly human.
Tangent - Last Contact
I think the story, your version as well as Cyan's, is based of a really cool concept. The problem is that I think in Cyan's version it kind of works that the reason for them leaving is so vague (barely so I might add), mainly because the whole story is writen in this really short and simple style. In your style however it seems to be even more abrupt because you did already expand on descriptions and brought more emotions to the table that getting cut off like that makes the reader a bit frustrated.
Ok, voting time. And even though I'm almost always complaining, I think this is actually one of the most difficult to compare bunch of stories I have encountered so far.
...
1.)Aaron
2.)Chainsawkitten
3.)Mike M
HM: Ashes and Carlisle
Ourobolus - Tatered and Torn
Well since you decided to return to the Bill's potato universe I would have wished that things had turned out to be more epic and fleshed out. We know so much about Bill's side but what about the potato's feelings?
Aaron - The Great Hunt Resumes
I really liked the writing and I think that the setting itself was intriguing. But sadly this story stops when things are about to get interesting. I feel like I read a prelude to a book that really hooked me and then ended up with a bunch of blank pages
lastflowers - The always have next year
When I read the entries for the challenges I always have this little notepad next to me where I scribble down brief thoughts on the different stories. Just a few words each that express whatever thought was most prominent in my head when I read the story. The only thing I wrote next to your name this week was "???".
Other than the fact that there is apparently an old guy sitting on a porch reminiscing about the past everything else just went over my head. Especially that part about an octopus. What on earth was that about?
Azih - Estate
I hate commenting on stories that just hit a little to close to home in some areas. Sure the comments here are never really objective but if things like this happen they tend to become even less so.
Well anyway. The writting was solid and your describtions of feelings and situations felt really accurate.
Andrex - Requited
I like your narrative voice. It think that it flows really well which makes for a good read in my opinion. The story itself was a bit to straight forward to me. Boy likes girl but is afraid to ask her out, does it anyway and has success. That's just a little thin for my taste.
Ward - The Destruction of Honesty ensures Protection
I liked it better than the first one, but it is still not really my kind of story. I think that it feels more like you are making an argument or maybe are asking a question about morals than it feels like you are telling a story. That isn't neccesarly a bad thing though. Just didn't work for me though.
Mike M - Character Workshop
Your story actually made me chuckle and yay for bringing the goat back. That being said I think that this was a clever idea but what put me off a bit was the level of self-deprecation. You overanalyze way too much. And wether you like a story or not shouldn't be determined by how many votes it got here. Some of my stories that I liked best have gotten alomost no points here, others that I hated did surprisingly well. Don't let the confidence in your own work be shattered by something like votes.
Carlisle - Raindrops
This is actually quite a shame, because the whole idea behind this and the setting would be something that is right up my alley. Sadly there were some things that bothered me. The narrator was too present for my taste. The whole thing were he tells the reader what is yet to come and so on. In small doses I really like that but I think you overdid it here. Another thing that bothered me is that there is this apparently super important prison that is forbidden to enter and yet Donald just goes there as if it is the most normal thing in the world. Even more he also seems to have no trouble of freeing a huge bunch of prisoners.
And then there is the ending which in a way is rather beautiful but also makes me wonder how long it will take for the boy on the island to get sick of snow.
kaepernickehs - Hit the Road Jack
The style made this too confusing to follow and for such a short piece there were just too many typos.
Moobabe - Second Chance
This felt more like reading a post than reading a story but hey, since you finally got the confidence to submit something I'll be looking forward to what you will produce when you write an actual story
Ashes - Opus#4
I'm trying to come up with some constructive criticism here but I can't find anything. Well, there was an inconsitency that in the dialoge the man called his wife Audrey and after that the name changed to Maria but other than that... Really, really well executed from begining to ending.
Cyan - Source of Strength
Comparing your version with Tangent's I feel that yours is a bit tighter. I liked that you introduced the term of totem because I think it gave the whole thing a new level of meaning, especially since you changed the ending which I also liked.
Chainsawkitten - Smother
Given the source material and some of your other stories I expected this to be even more disturbing. I actually liked that you dialed it down a notch and weren't as explicit as the original, that gave it a lot more impact and made it feel frighteningly human.
Tangent - Last Contact
I think the story, your version as well as Cyan's, is based of a really cool concept. The problem is that I think in Cyan's version it kind of works that the reason for them leaving is so vague (barely so I might add), mainly because the whole story is writen in this really short and simple style. In your style however it seems to be even more abrupt because you did already expand on descriptions and brought more emotions to the table that getting cut off like that makes the reader a bit frustrated.
Ok, voting time. And even though I'm almost always complaining, I think this is actually one of the most difficult to compare bunch of stories I have encountered so far.
...
1.)Aaron
2.)Chainsawkitten
3.)Mike M
HM: Ashes and Carlisle
Don't impose your communist animate object qualities upon that poor potato.
Yes I do! And so are you by calling it a "poor" potato.
And feelings are a sign of communists now... wow
The potato totally became a character in part 2. That was the biggest twist for me. It was just the one bright spot in Bill's life at the end of part 1, but now they're locking eyes, confiding in one another, starting out on this journey together. I expected it was just going to be a one-time prop, but now it's thrust into the center of this tale of death, rebirth, and renewal. It's quite beautiful.
My guess for part 3, the keys join in on the eye-locking.
Some new names this time around
Ourobolus: Locking eyes with a potato is a clever bit of wordplay, since potatoes have eyes. But what they dont have are faces, which made the first sentence kinda... off. Also, the last installment said that the potato was done, which would in my mind mean that it is in fact not going to make it and start again, because its going to get eaten. It probably could have benefited from dinosaurs with lasers.
Aaron: An interesting start to something, but it ended just before it was going to get interesting. Perhaps not enough here to keep my interest for a full-length novel, but definitely a longer piece about hunting the monster would have been an interesting read. I kind of feel that the desert-as-ocean analogy is approaching a fantasy genre cliché if its not there already, but it was offset by the glimpses of other aspects of the world, i.e. a military composed primarily of women, and the term sifting town that calls to mind more imagery and imagination than any other couplet of words Ive seen in a while.
lastflowers: How does rain fall in chunks, exactly? There were a handful of instances that left me scratching my head at the word choice, trying to decide if I was just ignorant of proper usage, if it was a mistake, or if was supposed to reflect upon an omniscient narrator that was as folksy and uneducated as the
Azih: I would pick nits on some of the sentence structures and punctuation choices. Right out of the gate, The beginning of my second chance began? Not just My second chance began? The dialog sounded natural, and I particularly liked that fathers realization that all his years of knowingly being gouged by suppliers in an effort to build community support were in vain. Our time with the characters were too brief for me to get invested and feel anything for the posthumous reconciliation (between my responses to yours and Ashess entry, I think a strong case may be made that I am in fact an unfeeling automaton). Needed to be tightened up and fleshed out a bit.
Andrex: I think the narrator needs to be honed a little bit more to make this fully successful. He is by turns described as having some degree of success with obtaining girlfriends in the past, yet at the same time is seemingly portrayed as a bumbling introvert. A single line speaking to any difficulties he may have had in dating in the past, or to how this girls penchant for tripping him up was uncharacteristic probably would have sufficed. Also, the idea that someone on the beach would be oblivious to the fact that the tide was coming in until the water was already past his chair strains credulity to the breaking point in something thats not a screwball comedy. Ended on a cute, happy note though.
Ward: I thought it was an improvement over the first attempt, but still not quiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite there. No matter how hard I try, I cannot buy that a corrupt police chief would entrust something as dangerous as destruction of evidence to someone who had only been there two weeks. Also, I have difficulties imagining a situation where the police would want to destroy the weapon rather than exculpatory evidence, short of one of their own being charged (And then it would seem blatantly obvious that the police had tampered with the evidence). The irony is that you were already 3/4ths of the way to the solution to this: Samwell shoots an unarmed man, the call goes in, and Lima is dispatched to bring a gun from an unsolved case to pin on the guy whos been shot. Double helping of corruption in solving a case and justifying a shooting.
Mike M: If I ever wrote something that was a bigger misfire than The Worst of All Possible Things, I dont remember it. I considered rewriting it, but in trying to figure out how I could fix it, I eventually realized its myriad flaws and decided to just do a takedown on why it wouldnt work out. This was something that doesnt really work outside of the very specific audience of Creative Writing ChallengeGAF (and even then, theres a strong possibility that most people who read it dont even know who all the players were), but for what it was I think it turned out all right. Plus, it gave me an excuse to revisit Deep Thinking Goat, who once again was surprisingly fun to write. I think hes going to be mothballed for a while though, as bringing him back so soon was already kind of pushing things for me.
Carlisle: I think the descriptive elements kind of run roughshod over everything else. Theres a mention of a boy like were already supposed to be familiar with his existence, then theres a mention of a forest when previously we hadnt been told that this island held anything other than a grassy field and a house. Theres the scaffolding of a good little story about anthromorphic rain, but it needs to move at a faster clip, maybe not try and bring the inklings of scientific explanations and jargon (i.e. the explanation about jetstreams) into something that is clearly fantastical. Shoot for light and fluffy, like clouds : )
kaepernickehs: If someone cant figure out what is needed to get their drivers license after visiting the DMV three times a week for two months, theyre probably best kept off the road to begin with. Shits just not that complicated. Bless Nicky and her bureaucratic obstructionism.
Moobabe: I liked this one, as its kind of precisely how I feel much of the time. I, too, would characterize a lot of my writing more as talking. At least the stuff I have the least problems with.
Ashes: Wait, if his wife was named Maria, the who was Audrey? Im also not entirely sure when she was supposed to have died, either; we have it explicitly stated that she died in the ambulance, but then when he recounts the hundred times he died that night, it sounds as though she died in the hospital. I had a similar issue with this one as I did with Azihs entry in that it just throws us headlong into the anguish without any emotional grounding. I feel bad for the narrator, sure, but only in the abstract. The belated mention that she was pregnant seemed like it was only there to heighten the tragedy of the situation, but I was so divorced from it all it didnt even move the needle, and usually I consider myself to be a pretty empathetic guy.
Cyan: Theres something a little bit creepy about flying across the ocean to go visit a friend that you havent seen or communicated with since grade school, the people involved have lived a literal lifetime in the interim. And he was looking to get lucky? Ew. Not saying that it could never happen and is beyond the pale for believability, but it certainly paints a less than flattering picture of the protagonist. At least in the end he realizes that hes just being a super creep and lets it go. I particularly liked the wording regarding the epiphany he had that his totem was having the exact opposite effect that he desired in the process.
Nezumi: I was profoundly disappointed to get past the first sentence and find out that this was not Ninja Turtles fan fiction. That was tempered by the fact you actually used the prompt I threw out there to some small degree. Took a while to figure out where it was going to go (and there wasnt anything left of the story by the time you did), but way to go out with a er bang The Lincoln thing went completely over my head.
Chainsawkitten: I find Stephen King to be completely insufferable. Literally every story Ive ever read by him, people with psychic powers figures heavily into the story. Even Secret Window Hidden Garden randomly has the protagonists ex-wife calling him up because she had a psychic premonition that he might be in trouble. There was absolutely no reason to throw that out there, but he did it anyway. In Cell, he decided to make a bunch of psychic zombies, and to his credit he did it in a way that *almost* worked, but then he fucks it all up by giving them telekinetic powers and making them levitate and stuff. Yours is well written and creepy as always, but the fixation on pedophilia is fast approaching the same category as Stephen King and psychic powers. Youve demonstrated that youve got more in you than that in the past.
Tangent: They looked like humans. Proceeds with an itemized list of how decidedly inhuman they are. Heh heh. I felt kind of torn about this, because I was left positively dying to know what humanity had done to offend the aliens, but the fact that we dont know and can never know are rather central to the point. So I guess I long for the entire story to be undermined? I would have liked to have seen what they had done for us that was so magnificent that we had throngs of people trying to bodily impede them from trying to depart, because thats hardly he sort of act that would be likely to change their mind. What was the endgame? To essentially hold them hostage by preventing them from leaving? Stupid aliens and their unknowable thought processes...
I suppose Ill have to actually pick some votes and stuff, huh?
1. Aaron
2. Cyan
3. Moobabe
Ourobolus: Locking eyes with a potato is a clever bit of wordplay, since potatoes have eyes. But what they dont have are faces, which made the first sentence kinda... off. Also, the last installment said that the potato was done, which would in my mind mean that it is in fact not going to make it and start again, because its going to get eaten. It probably could have benefited from dinosaurs with lasers.
Aaron: An interesting start to something, but it ended just before it was going to get interesting. Perhaps not enough here to keep my interest for a full-length novel, but definitely a longer piece about hunting the monster would have been an interesting read. I kind of feel that the desert-as-ocean analogy is approaching a fantasy genre cliché if its not there already, but it was offset by the glimpses of other aspects of the world, i.e. a military composed primarily of women, and the term sifting town that calls to mind more imagery and imagination than any other couplet of words Ive seen in a while.
lastflowers: How does rain fall in chunks, exactly? There were a handful of instances that left me scratching my head at the word choice, trying to decide if I was just ignorant of proper usage, if it was a mistake, or if was supposed to reflect upon an omniscient narrator that was as folksy and uneducated as the
Azih: I would pick nits on some of the sentence structures and punctuation choices. Right out of the gate, The beginning of my second chance began? Not just My second chance began? The dialog sounded natural, and I particularly liked that fathers realization that all his years of knowingly being gouged by suppliers in an effort to build community support were in vain. Our time with the characters were too brief for me to get invested and feel anything for the posthumous reconciliation (between my responses to yours and Ashess entry, I think a strong case may be made that I am in fact an unfeeling automaton). Needed to be tightened up and fleshed out a bit.
Andrex: I think the narrator needs to be honed a little bit more to make this fully successful. He is by turns described as having some degree of success with obtaining girlfriends in the past, yet at the same time is seemingly portrayed as a bumbling introvert. A single line speaking to any difficulties he may have had in dating in the past, or to how this girls penchant for tripping him up was uncharacteristic probably would have sufficed. Also, the idea that someone on the beach would be oblivious to the fact that the tide was coming in until the water was already past his chair strains credulity to the breaking point in something thats not a screwball comedy. Ended on a cute, happy note though.
Ward: I thought it was an improvement over the first attempt, but still not quiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite there. No matter how hard I try, I cannot buy that a corrupt police chief would entrust something as dangerous as destruction of evidence to someone who had only been there two weeks. Also, I have difficulties imagining a situation where the police would want to destroy the weapon rather than exculpatory evidence, short of one of their own being charged (And then it would seem blatantly obvious that the police had tampered with the evidence). The irony is that you were already 3/4ths of the way to the solution to this: Samwell shoots an unarmed man, the call goes in, and Lima is dispatched to bring a gun from an unsolved case to pin on the guy whos been shot. Double helping of corruption in solving a case and justifying a shooting.
Mike M: If I ever wrote something that was a bigger misfire than The Worst of All Possible Things, I dont remember it. I considered rewriting it, but in trying to figure out how I could fix it, I eventually realized its myriad flaws and decided to just do a takedown on why it wouldnt work out. This was something that doesnt really work outside of the very specific audience of Creative Writing ChallengeGAF (and even then, theres a strong possibility that most people who read it dont even know who all the players were), but for what it was I think it turned out all right. Plus, it gave me an excuse to revisit Deep Thinking Goat, who once again was surprisingly fun to write. I think hes going to be mothballed for a while though, as bringing him back so soon was already kind of pushing things for me.
Carlisle: I think the descriptive elements kind of run roughshod over everything else. Theres a mention of a boy like were already supposed to be familiar with his existence, then theres a mention of a forest when previously we hadnt been told that this island held anything other than a grassy field and a house. Theres the scaffolding of a good little story about anthromorphic rain, but it needs to move at a faster clip, maybe not try and bring the inklings of scientific explanations and jargon (i.e. the explanation about jetstreams) into something that is clearly fantastical. Shoot for light and fluffy, like clouds : )
kaepernickehs: If someone cant figure out what is needed to get their drivers license after visiting the DMV three times a week for two months, theyre probably best kept off the road to begin with. Shits just not that complicated. Bless Nicky and her bureaucratic obstructionism.
Moobabe: I liked this one, as its kind of precisely how I feel much of the time. I, too, would characterize a lot of my writing more as talking. At least the stuff I have the least problems with.
Ashes: Wait, if his wife was named Maria, the who was Audrey? Im also not entirely sure when she was supposed to have died, either; we have it explicitly stated that she died in the ambulance, but then when he recounts the hundred times he died that night, it sounds as though she died in the hospital. I had a similar issue with this one as I did with Azihs entry in that it just throws us headlong into the anguish without any emotional grounding. I feel bad for the narrator, sure, but only in the abstract. The belated mention that she was pregnant seemed like it was only there to heighten the tragedy of the situation, but I was so divorced from it all it didnt even move the needle, and usually I consider myself to be a pretty empathetic guy.
Cyan: Theres something a little bit creepy about flying across the ocean to go visit a friend that you havent seen or communicated with since grade school, the people involved have lived a literal lifetime in the interim. And he was looking to get lucky? Ew. Not saying that it could never happen and is beyond the pale for believability, but it certainly paints a less than flattering picture of the protagonist. At least in the end he realizes that hes just being a super creep and lets it go. I particularly liked the wording regarding the epiphany he had that his totem was having the exact opposite effect that he desired in the process.
Nezumi: I was profoundly disappointed to get past the first sentence and find out that this was not Ninja Turtles fan fiction. That was tempered by the fact you actually used the prompt I threw out there to some small degree. Took a while to figure out where it was going to go (and there wasnt anything left of the story by the time you did), but way to go out with a er bang The Lincoln thing went completely over my head.
Chainsawkitten: I find Stephen King to be completely insufferable. Literally every story Ive ever read by him, people with psychic powers figures heavily into the story. Even Secret Window Hidden Garden randomly has the protagonists ex-wife calling him up because she had a psychic premonition that he might be in trouble. There was absolutely no reason to throw that out there, but he did it anyway. In Cell, he decided to make a bunch of psychic zombies, and to his credit he did it in a way that *almost* worked, but then he fucks it all up by giving them telekinetic powers and making them levitate and stuff. Yours is well written and creepy as always, but the fixation on pedophilia is fast approaching the same category as Stephen King and psychic powers. Youve demonstrated that youve got more in you than that in the past.
Tangent: They looked like humans. Proceeds with an itemized list of how decidedly inhuman they are. Heh heh. I felt kind of torn about this, because I was left positively dying to know what humanity had done to offend the aliens, but the fact that we dont know and can never know are rather central to the point. So I guess I long for the entire story to be undermined? I would have liked to have seen what they had done for us that was so magnificent that we had throngs of people trying to bodily impede them from trying to depart, because thats hardly he sort of act that would be likely to change their mind. What was the endgame? To essentially hold them hostage by preventing them from leaving? Stupid aliens and their unknowable thought processes...
I suppose Ill have to actually pick some votes and stuff, huh?
1. Aaron
2. Cyan
3. Moobabe
Ourobolus - I think you have a strange obsession with potatoes. Write a real story.
Aaron - It was...interesting. It just felt like build-up with no payoff, like half of a story. The writing was well done, but it just ended as I was getting into it.
lastflowers - Sorry man, not a fan. I thought the writing and imagery surrounding the man was handled well, but I just didn't care about the story. It's a man sitting there thinking. Whoopadeedoo. There aren't any actions in the story, and his thoughts didn't do a whole lot to draw me in and care.
Azih - I don't really have any criticisms - the story was very descriptive and I appreciated the little things when it came to discussing the feelings of the family members. The story seemed designed to evoke an emotional response, one that (thankfully) I haven't had to really experience yet - I thought that was done well, too. All in all, a good effort.
Andrex - Eh. I really liked the inner monologue (and the narrative equivalent), but the story was...ok. Nothing terribly interesting, but adequate. I know not every story has a twist, but this one was just rather cliche, and I felt that the lead-up to the final conversation only further made the ending expected. Good writing, ok execution. But I do look forward to your next submission. Welcome!
Ward - I think this is definitely an improved version of the previous story. The descent into becoming ambivalent over the morality of the situation is interesting, though a bit unbelievable in the short amount of time that the story takes place. I would think that a change like that would occur over days/weeks of fretting, weighing the pros and cons, etc., not a flick of a switch over several hours. It's a decent tale, but it could use some cleanup on the finer points.
Mike M - I find it odd that a story about the Author's awful writing is written well and funny to boot. Excellent little story.
Carlisle - First off, Cloudtopia? Really? Well, this story was rather odd. I don't know what the purpose of the first bit was, with the boy and the island. Sure, it's revisited at the very end, but I think it's just superfluous. The entire colony is also rather cavalier over their lives as what basically amounts to a suicide cult (do the driplets return to Cloudtopia after evaporation?). I don't know, I just didn't feel like the whole explanation of their purpose carried any weight.
kaepernickehs - I guess I have to wait to be granted access.
Moobabe - It's certainly relateable - an all too familiar feeling that I'm sure every writer feels at some point. We aren't good enough (I get that one all the damn time), we aren't effectively channeling our vision onto the page, etc. I rather like stream-of-consciousness stories, so a bonus point or two there. Kudos.
Ashes - Damn. Powerful stuff. The only real criticisms are some continuity errors - who is Audrey? When did Maria die, in his arms or in the ambulance? You did a fantastic job of conveying the helplessness of Ernie and the torrid events surrounding him. Absolutely depressing but satisfying in the end result.
Cyan - I suppose yearning from a crush as far back as elementary school isn't too far-fetched, though it just seems a bit odd to me. Maybe it's just because I have a shitty memory. The writing was great as usual, though to be honest I wasn't much of a fan of the characters. The chihuahua-like nature of the protagonist seemed a bit over the top, and there wasn't a whole lot of development of Ashley and Ahmed. I liked the totem aspect of the story, despite it resulting in a possible ineffective item (or worse, a cursed one). Overall it was pretty good though.
Nezumi - After curiously reading through some of the posts in the thread, I was spoiled that the first victim was Lincoln, but yeah. It's a bit vague. I like the setup, though it was rather disappointing that someone who (supposedly, or rather, self-admittedly) performed such a good job over the years would suddenly be as boneheaded as to do something similar again. Not really a problem, just a bit jarring. Is Lucio like a fairy or something? All in all, great job.
Side note: If heaven has paperwork I'm going to be pissed.
chainsawkitten - The paragraph describing the mother's tragic death was a bit confusing to me - specifically this line: "The same oversight that she had let kill our son was now the very thing inside her growing quickly like a cancer, cutting her body into fragments." Was she pregnant, or was this alluding to an earlier car crash?
Other than that, this was just fucking creepy. I felt rather uncomfortable reading it. I had glossed over some of the parts the first time through, but felt the urge to re-read it as something seemed really off. I mean, it's written well, but...Jesus.
Tangent - Is the ending a reference to pollution? It seemed a bit lost on me. It was a pretty interesting (albeit rather short given the material) story, but it got the point and was free of any unnecessary fluff. Pretty good, though again, while I think I got the ending, it's not conveyed all that well.
1. Ashes
2. Nezumi
3. Mike M
Award for creepiest thing I've read yet: chainsawkitten
Aaron - It was...interesting. It just felt like build-up with no payoff, like half of a story. The writing was well done, but it just ended as I was getting into it.
lastflowers - Sorry man, not a fan. I thought the writing and imagery surrounding the man was handled well, but I just didn't care about the story. It's a man sitting there thinking. Whoopadeedoo. There aren't any actions in the story, and his thoughts didn't do a whole lot to draw me in and care.
Azih - I don't really have any criticisms - the story was very descriptive and I appreciated the little things when it came to discussing the feelings of the family members. The story seemed designed to evoke an emotional response, one that (thankfully) I haven't had to really experience yet - I thought that was done well, too. All in all, a good effort.
Andrex - Eh. I really liked the inner monologue (and the narrative equivalent), but the story was...ok. Nothing terribly interesting, but adequate. I know not every story has a twist, but this one was just rather cliche, and I felt that the lead-up to the final conversation only further made the ending expected. Good writing, ok execution. But I do look forward to your next submission. Welcome!
Ward - I think this is definitely an improved version of the previous story. The descent into becoming ambivalent over the morality of the situation is interesting, though a bit unbelievable in the short amount of time that the story takes place. I would think that a change like that would occur over days/weeks of fretting, weighing the pros and cons, etc., not a flick of a switch over several hours. It's a decent tale, but it could use some cleanup on the finer points.
Mike M - I find it odd that a story about the Author's awful writing is written well and funny to boot. Excellent little story.
Carlisle - First off, Cloudtopia? Really?
Well, this story was rather odd. I don't know what the purpose of the first bit was, with the boy and the island. Sure, it's revisited at the very end, but I think it's just superfluous. The entire colony is also rather cavalier over their lives as what basically amounts to a suicide cult (do the driplets return to Cloudtopia after evaporation?). I don't know, I just didn't feel like the whole explanation of their purpose carried any weight. kaepernickehs - I guess I have to wait to be granted access.
Moobabe - It's certainly relateable - an all too familiar feeling that I'm sure every writer feels at some point. We aren't good enough (I get that one all the damn time), we aren't effectively channeling our vision onto the page, etc. I rather like stream-of-consciousness stories, so a bonus point or two there. Kudos.
Ashes - Damn. Powerful stuff. The only real criticisms are some continuity errors - who is Audrey? When did Maria die, in his arms or in the ambulance? You did a fantastic job of conveying the helplessness of Ernie and the torrid events surrounding him. Absolutely depressing but satisfying in the end result.
Cyan - I suppose yearning from a crush as far back as elementary school isn't too far-fetched, though it just seems a bit odd to me. Maybe it's just because I have a shitty memory. The writing was great as usual, though to be honest I wasn't much of a fan of the characters. The chihuahua-like nature of the protagonist seemed a bit over the top, and there wasn't a whole lot of development of Ashley and Ahmed. I liked the totem aspect of the story, despite it resulting in a possible ineffective item (or worse, a cursed one). Overall it was pretty good though.
Nezumi - After curiously reading through some of the posts in the thread, I was spoiled that the first victim was Lincoln, but yeah. It's a bit vague. I like the setup, though it was rather disappointing that someone who (supposedly, or rather, self-admittedly) performed such a good job over the years would suddenly be as boneheaded as to do something similar again. Not really a problem, just a bit jarring. Is Lucio like a fairy or something? All in all, great job.
Side note: If heaven has paperwork I'm going to be pissed.
chainsawkitten - The paragraph describing the mother's tragic death was a bit confusing to me - specifically this line: "The same oversight that she had let kill our son was now the very thing inside her growing quickly like a cancer, cutting her body into fragments." Was she pregnant, or was this alluding to an earlier car crash?
Other than that, this was just fucking creepy. I felt rather uncomfortable reading it. I had glossed over some of the parts the first time through, but felt the urge to re-read it as something seemed really off. I mean, it's written well, but...Jesus.
Tangent - Is the ending a reference to pollution? It seemed a bit lost on me. It was a pretty interesting (albeit rather short given the material) story, but it got the point and was free of any unnecessary fluff. Pretty good, though again, while I think I got the ending, it's not conveyed all that well.
1. Ashes
2. Nezumi
3. Mike M
Award for creepiest thing I've read yet: chainsawkitten
Second half of crits:
Carlisle - "Raindrops" - I love the concept of the story! The raindrop society is fun and the ending is cute. And I like the narrative voice. Thing is, when Dunstan says "You did this, Donald," he's totally wrong! Donald didn't really do much besides ask a question. He goes to the building where all the reclaimed raindrops are kept (without much motivation to do so that I noticed), and then Dunstan takes over the story and Donald is kind of left out. Why did Dunstan even need his help? It might be more interesting to see his story than Donald's.
kaepernickehs - "Hit the Road Jack" - Access denied, couldn't read.
Moobabe - "Second Chance" - Something that's often recommended to get past the first hurdle of being unable to write anything is to just write whatever's in your head without worrying about whether it's any good or not. You can always fix it in post! Glad you've decided to join us, please do come back for future challenges.
Ashes - "Opus #04" - Really lovely. I vaguely remember the original of this, and I think it's improved this time around, but I'd love to go back and see the earlier version. Any chance of linking us to it? I know that the roughness of the prose here is deliberate, but I think you could clean it up a little and smooth off a few of the edges without losing the effect. It's a bit much at times.
Cyan - "Source of Strength" - It was actually a really fun exercise to try to rewire one of Tangent's stories! For anyone who's interested, my basic process was this: I read the original a few times, and tried to pick out the key pieces. To me, the keys were the straightforward events of the trip, the relationship between the two main characters, and the side character of Ahmed who introduces the central element of the totem. I changed some things just for streamlining purposes, and some I changed to round out the type of plot arc that felt right to me for my reimagining. This meant changing the ending and rearranging a few things in the timeline. Tangent's stories tend to have what I think of as a sort of manic charm, and that's not something I really have in my writing. But I tried to hang on to some of it by keeping the Yes We Can cans.
Nezumi - "Reinstated" - Oh dear. That's rough. I like the tone of this one, and that what was really going on was subtle rather than hitting us over the head. I do think there could be a stronger central narrative thrust. It seems more like a sequence of events--Gaby is annoyed by another angel telling jokes, gets suddenly reinstated for no clear reason, is about to be in huge trouble again. It didn't feel like there was a clear plot.
Chainsawkitten - "Smother" - Of course you would be the one to rewrite this story. I think you did a largely solid job of streamlining and repurposing, and the horror of the situation comes through clearly without smacking us in the face with it. I suppose my only objection is that the whole thing is narrative summary that presents us with a fait accompli and doesn't let us see things developing. I'm not sure if that's a weakness or not, though.
Tangent - "Last Chance" - I like your take on this story! The story exchange was fun. It was cool to see you else put your own spin on a similar storyline. I think many of the details you've added work to strengthen the story, to make it more anchored and solid. I do think it could've been expanded further, had a few more details added in the middle between the arrival and the departure, so we could learn a bit more about what they did and why we were sad to see them go. That wasn't present in the original, and I think it might've helped.
Carlisle - "Raindrops" - I love the concept of the story! The raindrop society is fun and the ending is cute. And I like the narrative voice. Thing is, when Dunstan says "You did this, Donald," he's totally wrong! Donald didn't really do much besides ask a question. He goes to the building where all the reclaimed raindrops are kept (without much motivation to do so that I noticed), and then Dunstan takes over the story and Donald is kind of left out. Why did Dunstan even need his help? It might be more interesting to see his story than Donald's.
kaepernickehs - "Hit the Road Jack" - Access denied, couldn't read.
Moobabe - "Second Chance" - Something that's often recommended to get past the first hurdle of being unable to write anything is to just write whatever's in your head without worrying about whether it's any good or not. You can always fix it in post!
Glad you've decided to join us, please do come back for future challenges.Ashes - "Opus #04" - Really lovely. I vaguely remember the original of this, and I think it's improved this time around, but I'd love to go back and see the earlier version. Any chance of linking us to it? I know that the roughness of the prose here is deliberate, but I think you could clean it up a little and smooth off a few of the edges without losing the effect. It's a bit much at times.
Cyan - "Source of Strength" - It was actually a really fun exercise to try to rewire one of Tangent's stories! For anyone who's interested, my basic process was this: I read the original a few times, and tried to pick out the key pieces. To me, the keys were the straightforward events of the trip, the relationship between the two main characters, and the side character of Ahmed who introduces the central element of the totem. I changed some things just for streamlining purposes, and some I changed to round out the type of plot arc that felt right to me for my reimagining. This meant changing the ending and rearranging a few things in the timeline. Tangent's stories tend to have what I think of as a sort of manic charm, and that's not something I really have in my writing. But I tried to hang on to some of it by keeping the Yes We Can cans.
Nezumi - "Reinstated" - Oh dear. That's rough. I like the tone of this one, and that what was really going on was subtle rather than hitting us over the head. I do think there could be a stronger central narrative thrust. It seems more like a sequence of events--Gaby is annoyed by another angel telling jokes, gets suddenly reinstated for no clear reason, is about to be in huge trouble again. It didn't feel like there was a clear plot.
Chainsawkitten - "Smother" - Of course you would be the one to rewrite this story.
I think you did a largely solid job of streamlining and repurposing, and the horror of the situation comes through clearly without smacking us in the face with it. I suppose my only objection is that the whole thing is narrative summary that presents us with a fait accompli and doesn't let us see things developing. I'm not sure if that's a weakness or not, though.Tangent - "Last Chance" - I like your take on this story! The story exchange was fun.
It was cool to see you else put your own spin on a similar storyline. I think many of the details you've added work to strengthen the story, to make it more anchored and solid. I do think it could've been expanded further, had a few more details added in the middle between the arrival and the departure, so we could learn a bit more about what they did and why we were sad to see them go. That wasn't present in the original, and I think it might've helped.ThatObviousUser
ὠαἴÏÏιÏÏÎ¿Ï Ïαá¿Ï εἶ
D'oh! I missed one! Should've put you in for HM.
lastflowers
Banned
The Octupus was a drawing etched on the underside of the rocking chair that he made as a kid.
A big problem with this piece was that the last historical paragraph was not by his mother as the others were, but by his wife. It was in reference to the initial disease that affected one of his sons. The other son (Rob), and his daughter are back at the house for the funeral of the dead twin of Rob. The man was concerned about Rob, but the wife was certain he would get through it.
The man/narrator has forever worried about genetics since the disease crippling his son was a genetic disorder. Afraid that his son's children might also have the same disease that turned his lovely boy handicapped due to the convulsions. The boy grew up from the mud, became a boy, and then was devolved back into the mind of the child in the mud due to his disease.
While The Red Sox always have next year, his son did not have a chance to grow as Rob was able to, and is both saddened and happy that Rob was able to do so (only in the sense that the twin was unable to do so as well). Rob has reconciled his twins fate, as he does also with the Red Sox. The man has not been able to do so.
The man was/is a deeply religious man, and upon reading the tale of Jonah, he realized that though he's been in the mouth of the whale for quite some time his son's death has spit him back out. He's ready to live again. Perhaps they do always have next year.
If I had a friend read the story once or twice, I would have been able to do a rewrite to help elucidate the framework a little better through the text. I did realize the shift in historical memory was a terrible choice after I submitted, but hey, it's a small contest and isn't for monies and famez.
lastflowers
Banned
1. Aaron
2. Ashes
3. Nezumi
Still working on comments, but this seems like my fav 3
2. Ashes
3. Nezumi
Still working on comments, but this seems like my fav 3
Tangent and Ashers, I think.
Comments:
Ourobolus - Tatered and Torn - Comedies are difficult. Too short? dunno.
Aaron - The Grand Hunt Resumes - well written but not all that engaging
lastflowers - They Always Have Next Year - lacked cohesion. Hard to follow.
Azih - Estate lovely core but didn't feel the love. Felt a bit too much like daytime television.
Andrex - Requited - Cliche. Sorry but this has been done to death.
Ward - The Destruction of Honesty Ensures Protection interesting. Caught me by surprise.
Mike M - Character Workshop uninteresting. Didn't bother working out who was who.
Carlisle - Raindrops - not feeling it right now. Might revisit this later. Please keep hosting it.
kaepernickehs[/B] - Hit the Road Jack - couldn't access it.
Moobabe - Second Chance - desperately needs more words. I really really like it.
Ashes - Opus #04 - We fail again. :/ It's alright. We'll look at it again at a later date.
Cyan - Source of Strength - American Beauty has the bag monoply. Repetition didn't work to emphasis anything.
Nezumi - Reinstated - Kinda cool twist. Beginning needs work.
Chainsawkitten - Smother - well written but so utterly debauched. I think. eurgh.
Tangent - Last Contact - Cyan did it better. But I still like this plot. Makes me laugh when the alien nods. Such a human trait.
Votes
1. Moobabe - Second Chance - something about this is really genuine
2. Chainsawkitten - Smother - horrifying, hard to forget. Eurgh.
3. Aaron - The Grand Hunt Resumes - good stuff needs to come to the fore a bit more.
hm Tangent, Nezumi
---
Publishers would probably reverse that top three. But this is more from a reader/ fellow author. And I gave it a good think. Still not sure it looks right, but I'll go with what my head is telling me rather than my gut/heart.
Ourobolus - Tatered and Torn - Comedies are difficult. Too short? dunno.
Aaron - The Grand Hunt Resumes - well written but not all that engaging
lastflowers - They Always Have Next Year - lacked cohesion. Hard to follow.
Azih - Estate lovely core but didn't feel the love. Felt a bit too much like daytime television.
Andrex - Requited - Cliche. Sorry but this has been done to death.
Ward - The Destruction of Honesty Ensures Protection interesting. Caught me by surprise.
Mike M - Character Workshop uninteresting. Didn't bother working out who was who.
Carlisle - Raindrops - not feeling it right now. Might revisit this later. Please keep hosting it.
kaepernickehs[/B] - Hit the Road Jack - couldn't access it.
Moobabe - Second Chance - desperately needs more words. I really really like it.
Ashes - Opus #04 - We fail again. :/ It's alright. We'll look at it again at a later date.
Cyan - Source of Strength - American Beauty has the bag monoply. Repetition didn't work to emphasis anything.
Nezumi - Reinstated - Kinda cool twist. Beginning needs work.
Chainsawkitten - Smother - well written but so utterly debauched. I think. eurgh.
Tangent - Last Contact - Cyan did it better. But I still like this plot. Makes me laugh when the alien nods. Such a human trait.
Votes
1. Moobabe - Second Chance - something about this is really genuine
2. Chainsawkitten - Smother - horrifying, hard to forget. Eurgh.
3. Aaron - The Grand Hunt Resumes - good stuff needs to come to the fore a bit more.
hm Tangent, Nezumi
---
Publishers would probably reverse that top three. But this is more from a reader/ fellow author. And I gave it a good think. Still not sure it looks right, but I'll go with what my head is telling me rather than my gut/heart.
Chainsawkitten
Member
The opening is kind of a mess. I would have rewritten it if I had done any revisions. It's just in a completely different style and not very well thought out. (Hey, it was like 2 AM!)
The point is that their son died in a car accident and he blames his wife and thus, even though he still loves her, considers her a danger to their children and is also afraid she'll leave him and take the children with her. So he kills her. So the car she "let kill their son" is now the inside her, destroying her (via the glass shards... yeah, it's a pretty far-fetched metaphor). I'm not sure how he would be able to do that, though, in any way that would prompt him laying beside the car... It seems like would have to be pretty convoluted and/or risky for that to happen. Like cutting the breaks and then jumping out of the vehicle before they hit something, like in some incredibly schlocky action B-movie. I mean, he could be lying about it but I didn't really want him to tell any blatant lies, just white lie after white lie and things as they are from his perspective (as well as some clever rewordings to disguise the real meaning).
I'm being cyberbullied by Stumpokapow.
I mean, I could just change it back. And probably will later. But where's the fun in that?
ThatObviousUser
ὠαἴÏÏιÏÏÎ¿Ï Ïαá¿Ï εἶ
Thank you! Yeah, it's definitely thin. There's a reason I didn't name any of the characters - the story itself is pretty disposable. I just wanted to write something romantic and make it fun to read at the same time.
The two aren't mutually exclusive. I didn't want him to be a single-dimensional, standard fare loser. Real people, even real losers, do still have girlfriends (unless they post on GAF, obvsly.) And there's still always those women that make you a bit weak in the knees, even if you have normal confidence levels. That's the kind of person I wanted to make him.
Definitely, good point.
Really? Seems believable enough to me. I wouldn't say it's happened to me but it's pretty easy to get engrossed in a good book at the beach. If he was wearing sandals it's possible he wouldn't even have felt the water, necessarily.
These are all on-point for sure. If I set out to write something longer I would have probably made it stand out a bit more, a bit more substance... However I viewed it mostly as a writing exercise. Thanks!
Yup! I knew the kind of story I was writing and I know that doesn't excuse it, but I needed it to be simple and self contained.
Thank you everyone for your comments! My story this time was kind of a warm up, but next challenge I'll be gunning for #1! You've been warned.
No idear, haven't heard anything. Let me check in.
Just face it. I deserve the 3 points.
Whoa! Sorry for the hold up guys! My bad. Reading one last story. Stay tuned.
Votes:
1. Aaron
2. Nezumi
3. Ashes
hm. cyan (wow, what a world of improvement), chainsawkitten (so good at that style of writing, which is hard to pull off but you did it well), moobabe (I like the casual style)
Thank you very much for all the feedback. It was quite helpful to hear what was interpreted by you, and I agree that the end was mindlessly abrupt. It was hard working with Cyan's piece because it was already so polished. The two things I hoped to do was (1) to convey more of a sense of shock and loss by the humans by describing the emotional bonds the humans made and (2) to convey how we often impose our emotions onto others who may think very differently. I once read/heard a great story about an entomologist who thought he could really relate to one of his subjects, a grasshopper. But then it turned out that the grasshoppers actions and motivations and intentions were entirely foreign and alien and grotesque, and it sort of shocked the entomologist who had grown so attached. I don't think either of my intentions came across that clearly. I shake my fist at writing! *shakes fist*
Votes:
1. Aaron
2. Nezumi
3. Ashes
hm. cyan (wow, what a world of improvement), chainsawkitten (so good at that style of writing, which is hard to pull off but you did it well), moobabe (I like the casual style)
Thank you very much for all the feedback. It was quite helpful to hear what was interpreted by you, and I agree that the end was mindlessly abrupt. It was hard working with Cyan's piece because it was already so polished. The two things I hoped to do was (1) to convey more of a sense of shock and loss by the humans by describing the emotional bonds the humans made and (2) to convey how we often impose our emotions onto others who may think very differently. I once read/heard a great story about an entomologist who thought he could really relate to one of his subjects, a grasshopper. But then it turned out that the grasshoppers actions and motivations and intentions were entirely foreign and alien and grotesque, and it sort of shocked the entomologist who had grown so attached. I don't think either of my intentions came across that clearly. I shake my fist at writing! *shakes fist*
And in some parts of the world, it's already 3/12/14, I guess. So happy birthday Cyan!
The Results:
1.) Aaron - The Great Hunt Resumes
2.) Ashes - Opus #04
3.) Mike M - Character Workshop
Vote Count:
Aaron - 16 (4)
Ashes - 14 (1)
Mike M - 9 (2)
Nezumi - 8 (1)
Azih - 5 (1)
Moobabe - 4 (1)
Cyan - 4
Chainsawkitten - 4
Carlisle - 3 (1)
Tangent - 3 (1)
lastflowers - 2
Congratulation Aaron! That was an exciting vote with twist and turns but in the end you came out victorious. Now lead us to the next challenge
Edit: Oh, and apparently a Happy Birthday to Cyan!
1.) Aaron - The Great Hunt Resumes
2.) Ashes - Opus #04
3.) Mike M - Character Workshop
Vote Count:
Aaron - 16 (4)
Ashes - 14 (1)
Mike M - 9 (2)
Nezumi - 8 (1)
Azih - 5 (1)
Moobabe - 4 (1)
Cyan - 4
Chainsawkitten - 4
Carlisle - 3 (1)
Tangent - 3 (1)
lastflowers - 2
Congratulation Aaron! That was an exciting vote with twist and turns but in the end you came out victorious. Now lead us to the next challenge
Edit: Oh, and apparently a Happy Birthday to Cyan!
I really didn't expect to win this one, so picked the first word in my ideas document.
NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #139 - "Outsider"
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?p=104041119
Do colors have birthdays?
NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #139 - "Outsider"
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?p=104041119
Do colors have birthdays?
- Status