I'd count it. Mine has wandered way off course, so who am I to criticize?
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #167 - "Mnemonic"
- Thread starter Mike M
- Start date
- Status
Right? Except I'm playing You Must Build a Boat instead of witching.
The Korean waiter looked at me as if I had just asked for a toasted ferret on a bun.
"Excuse me?"
I sighed, my eyes rolling back in my head. "A Coke, please. And could you shake it before you hand it to me?"
Still dumbfounded, he wrote my instructions on his pad and tottered off in search of my beverage.
The restaurant was quiet. I liked to come here - the food was absolutely phenomenal, and despite that the place was rarely filled with hungry patrons. I glanced halfheartedly at the menu as I waited. I knew what I wanted, anyway.
He came back, holding a can of Coke and a glass filled with ice. I never understood why these places never had free refills, but I suppose for today it works out.
Standing in front of me, he asked timidly, "Are you sure, sir?"
Slightly perturbed, I exclaimed, "Yes! Get on with it already."
He shrugged his shoulders as he tightly gripped the can and shook vigorously. I could hear the liquid sloshing around, eventually filling the empty space in the can with the escaping carbon dioxide.
"That's enough, thank you." I waved my hand to him.
Gently setting the can down, he tapped on the tab a few times, hoping to calm the fizzy mixture. Looking away, he grabbed hold of the pull tab, quickly tore it open, and poured the drink into the glass. Strangely, he acted with a bit of finesse, as if he'd done this before.
Setting the glass down, I thanked him one more time before ordering my meal. He walked off, muttering something in Korean that I'm sure had something to do with my mental state. It didn't bother me in the slightest, though.
I grabbed the glass as the head slowly faded. I took a sip and felt the cool drink pour down the back of my throat, the bubbles to tickling my tongue as it passed.
I thought back to my earlier days, and muttered, "Oh, Hank..."
"Excuse me?"
I sighed, my eyes rolling back in my head. "A Coke, please. And could you shake it before you hand it to me?"
Still dumbfounded, he wrote my instructions on his pad and tottered off in search of my beverage.
The restaurant was quiet. I liked to come here - the food was absolutely phenomenal, and despite that the place was rarely filled with hungry patrons. I glanced halfheartedly at the menu as I waited. I knew what I wanted, anyway.
He came back, holding a can of Coke and a glass filled with ice. I never understood why these places never had free refills, but I suppose for today it works out.
Standing in front of me, he asked timidly, "Are you sure, sir?"
Slightly perturbed, I exclaimed, "Yes! Get on with it already."
He shrugged his shoulders as he tightly gripped the can and shook vigorously. I could hear the liquid sloshing around, eventually filling the empty space in the can with the escaping carbon dioxide.
"That's enough, thank you." I waved my hand to him.
Gently setting the can down, he tapped on the tab a few times, hoping to calm the fizzy mixture. Looking away, he grabbed hold of the pull tab, quickly tore it open, and poured the drink into the glass. Strangely, he acted with a bit of finesse, as if he'd done this before.
Setting the glass down, I thanked him one more time before ordering my meal. He walked off, muttering something in Korean that I'm sure had something to do with my mental state. It didn't bother me in the slightest, though.
I grabbed the glass as the head slowly faded. I took a sip and felt the cool drink pour down the back of my throat, the bubbles to tickling my tongue as it passed.
I thought back to my earlier days, and muttered, "Oh, Hank..."
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Ah man, I was about to play TW3 till I read this and remembered D:
What about zero drafts?
Ghastly.
Aaaah that Geralt.
I'm so glad I'm in good company! Can we sit around and whine about how annoying it is to sit around and come up with an idea? It's odd how the primary is killing me more than the secondary.
*fist pump*
Four or Five memorable Kisses (2195 words) (ineligible)
Yes, I could get this under the word limit. But I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
should have gone with inconcievable.
Dandy Crocodile
Member
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
A Student's Chase- 2099 words
This was a pain to edit down. Goodbye 450 words, you'll not be missed.
This was a pain to edit down. Goodbye 450 words, you'll not be missed.
"Foolproof" (1699 words)
I think this story is best when you don't scroll through the whole thing at first. Just my two cents.
My entry: Cruel Devices
Word count: 1,775
https://www.dropbox.com/s/hx3po7zse9e4y8n/CruelDevices.rtf?dl=0
Word count: 1,775
https://www.dropbox.com/s/hx3po7zse9e4y8n/CruelDevices.rtf?dl=0
Repeat - 837 words
Been a while since I did one of these, I decided to write a quick one out. I'll try to get back into the groove of things and for the next challenge.
Been a while since I did one of these, I decided to write a quick one out. I'll try to get back into the groove of things and for the next challenge.
I think I'm forgetting something
"Fuck Yes!"
I triumphantly shake the controller in the direction of the TV as my oponent bursts into a puddle of oozy paint just when the timer counts down to zero and a flood of pink on the screen proclaims my team's victory.
15 wins in a row, perfect place to stop I think as I choose continue and dive into the next battle. After all, it's only 3 more minutes. Where's the harm in that. On the table my leather bound notebook and a pen look accusingly at me. But I ignore them.
...
What's that madam? Your favorite frying pan got stolen? Well of course I'll get it back for you. Right after I got rid of these bandits, killed those monsters and fucked that hot sorceress. I'll also really need to play a few rounds of cards. But after that I'll look into that frying pan incident. I promise.
On the table the notebook and pen seem to silently sob.
...
"Dammit. The deadline is in 2 hours and I haven't written a single word."
My husband shrugs, already used to this little routine. "Might have thought about this a little sooner. Now get ready, we should have been on the road ten minutes ago."
"I did think about it. Look, I even put my notebook and a pen on the table, so I wouldn't forget."
"Fuck Yes!"
I triumphantly shake the controller in the direction of the TV as my oponent bursts into a puddle of oozy paint just when the timer counts down to zero and a flood of pink on the screen proclaims my team's victory.
15 wins in a row, perfect place to stop I think as I choose continue and dive into the next battle. After all, it's only 3 more minutes. Where's the harm in that. On the table my leather bound notebook and a pen look accusingly at me. But I ignore them.
...
What's that madam? Your favorite frying pan got stolen? Well of course I'll get it back for you. Right after I got rid of these bandits, killed those monsters and fucked that hot sorceress. I'll also really need to play a few rounds of cards. But after that I'll look into that frying pan incident. I promise.
On the table the notebook and pen seem to silently sob.
...
"Dammit. The deadline is in 2 hours and I haven't written a single word."
My husband shrugs, already used to this little routine. "Might have thought about this a little sooner. Now get ready, we should have been on the road ten minutes ago."
"I did think about it. Look, I even put my notebook and a pen on the table, so I wouldn't forget."
Faith Will Always Ease Sorrow (2095 words)
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
The entries
Beaniedude- Detective Dirk Lomborg and the case of the mysterious lines
Keleesto- Traegen
Ourobolus
Ashes- Four or Five memorable Kisses(ineligible because over word count)
Dandy Crocodile- A Ritual
Flowersisbritish- A Student's Chase
Tangent- Foolproof
Frekifox7- Cruel Devices
FairyD- Repeat
Mike M- The Hinny
Sober- AND
Nezumi- I think I'm Forgetting Something
Cyan- My Very Efficent Mother Sent Us Nine
Neener- Faith Will Always Ease Sorrow
Beaniedude- Detective Dirk Lomborg and the case of the mysterious lines
Keleesto- Traegen
Ourobolus
Ashes- Four or Five memorable Kisses(ineligible because over word count)
Dandy Crocodile- A Ritual
Flowersisbritish- A Student's Chase
Tangent- Foolproof
Frekifox7- Cruel Devices
FairyD- Repeat
Mike M- The Hinny
Sober- AND
Nezumi- I think I'm Forgetting Something
Cyan- My Very Efficent Mother Sent Us Nine
Neener- Faith Will Always Ease Sorrow
I haven't read this yet, but when I was brainstorming ideas, I was thinking of someone who had the mnemonic, "My very educated mother just served us nine pizzas" and how this got changed to "My very educated mother just served us nachos" when Pluto was booted out. And the MC was in a class right when the change was made so first the class got to eat nine pizzas, and then nachos. Hee hee.
What I like about your mnemonic, if it's related to planets or even if it's not, is that it's a mystery! Nine WHAT?!
Impressive! Sometimes I did that just to concentrate when I was younger. Weird. I know.Ok... running to the finish line. I have a house packed with extended family, so I've literally locked myself in my closet with my laptop to get this finished!
waaaaaaaaaaait for meeeeeee!
This cat likes closet privacy too.
This was hard. So many good stories!
Votes:
1 Dandy Crocodile - A ritual
2 Nenner - Faith will always ease sorrow
3 Frekifox7 - Cruel Devices
Feedback:
Beaniedude - Detective Dirk
The detective story - complete with rain, leggy secretary and cigarettes. I liked how you connected the yellow gloves at the end and you used some good description, like when the detective was out in the rain and holding his coat against him, trying to salvage what little dryness he could. I was a little lost on why the cases were such big news. Im guessing its a parallel or future society where this type of crime makes big news? Overall a well paced read, I just was questioning some aspects of the storyline.
Ourobolus -
I think I'm missing the beginning of this story or what it referenced. You used some good descriptions of the waiter tottering away and looking away when he opens the coke. I did expect the coke to spill over and was surprised when it didn't after all that vigorous shaking. I also thought when he goes to drink it, he'd just get bubbles and then a flatter tasting soda. Why would anyone want that?! I didn't see the connection to the prompt, was he needing that coke in just that way to evoke a memory?
Ashes - Memorable kisses
I liked the visual elements and to me it read more like a screenplay than an enclosed short story. I really liked it though. Great use of description and characters and I felt it was an interesting way of writing. You definitely evoked a great mood with your writing.
Dandy Crocodile - A ritual
This was a really entertaining completely enclosed short story with beginning, middle and end. I like how you didn't jump and explain what a La Llorona was the first time you named her. The descriptions and tense tone were done well. This was a story I didn't think "ok, I'm editing for feedback with this." I got caught up in the story. I very much enjoyed it. The only thing I stumbled on was the ending when La Llorona makes a 'decision' to leave the house and not take Ximena. I just don't think of ghosts making conscience decisions, especially when she comes off kinda like a ghost broken record - crying every night and killing the way she does. Just something to think about.
Flowerisbritish - A student's chase
I liked the concept of the old apprentice trying to make sense of his master and finding he wasn't as amazing as he had always thought. Isaac making potions was neat and I liked the interaction between Clark and Isaac. Even though I knew the woman at the door was most likely the daughter, I didn't know why Isaac knew so instantly, when he was so hesitant to believe the rumors of his master before. I also thought it jumped a bit - from Isaac being so diligent about finding the cause of the ruins, to his acceptance that his master wasn't that great. Wouldn't he still be doggedly wanting to find out the complete truth of the ruins in the skull? Overall it was an entertaining story.
Tangent - Foolproof
This was an easy-to-read, light-hearted read that followed the prompt well. The character was likable and I enjoyed reading about their system and how it was almost thwarted by parents craving a house without smelly socks thrown everyone. The only thing I was expecting was more of a beginning, middle and end with a resolution but it seemed more of a vignette. The end petered out a bit for me, but the beginning was solid to get you interested in reading the rest.
Frekifox7 - Cruel Devices
*previously discussed. I think you did a great job and it was a well-paced story that kept you reading. Great job with the prompt!
FairyD - Repeat
The tale of the sultan had me really interested. I found myself wondering if that was an actual story or if youd made that part up as well. I think you did an interesting thing with the prompt - the ring with the inscription- but I would have liked the other side of the promise illustrated. The sultan asked to be happy when sad and sad when happy, so a little explanation of the saying this too shall pass, in both happy moments to make you sad and sad moments to make you happy, might have strengthened the old piece. I think the story started strong but felt like it had less direction as it went along. I still enjoyed the read though.
Mike M - The Hinny
*previously discussed. Your writing is always something interesting to read. I'd like to say I liked this one- but it also made me want to throw up Well written and a great example of horror writing.
Sober - AND
I really enjoyed reading this. It was an easy, fast-paced read and very sweet. I liked how it jumped from head to head and between years to get the whole romance down. I wish the ending was more final, but it was still good. Starting off at third grade and using the prompt to catapult the whole story was great. I wish I had seen a bit more description of Holly and Andy, but I know the word count probably made you cut that part out
Nezumi - I think I'm forgetting something
I liked how you tied the prompt into what appeared as actual events. Nice descriptions to a short vignette.
Cyan - My very efficient mother sent us nine...
I liked this story. The fact that his mother was still messing with his life and position even though he'd tried so hard to separate himself was good. I enjoyed the setting and the surprise of all the troops showing up unannounced and thought the oxygen problem was interesting to read about. I expected the robot we kept revisiting to have a bigger part and at times I was a bit thrown by all the story time-lapses (* * *) but the story itself was well-written and I enjoyed it.
Nenner - Faith will always ease sorrow
I really liked the concept of this piece. It was a complete short story with a solid (if not sad, because you knew she had kids) ending. I thought you described the rooms well and the energy of each room housing each element. I was wondering the whole time where it was going, making me keep reading. The pacing was good, characterization and element of surprise. The only criticism Id give is something I myself have issues with - editing for grammatical mistakes and sentence structure. Great story!
Votes:
1 Dandy Crocodile - A ritual
2 Nenner - Faith will always ease sorrow
3 Frekifox7 - Cruel Devices
Feedback:
Beaniedude - Detective Dirk
The detective story - complete with rain, leggy secretary and cigarettes. I liked how you connected the yellow gloves at the end and you used some good description, like when the detective was out in the rain and holding his coat against him, trying to salvage what little dryness he could. I was a little lost on why the cases were such big news. Im guessing its a parallel or future society where this type of crime makes big news? Overall a well paced read, I just was questioning some aspects of the storyline.
Ourobolus -
I think I'm missing the beginning of this story or what it referenced. You used some good descriptions of the waiter tottering away and looking away when he opens the coke. I did expect the coke to spill over and was surprised when it didn't after all that vigorous shaking. I also thought when he goes to drink it, he'd just get bubbles and then a flatter tasting soda. Why would anyone want that?! I didn't see the connection to the prompt, was he needing that coke in just that way to evoke a memory?
Ashes - Memorable kisses
I liked the visual elements and to me it read more like a screenplay than an enclosed short story. I really liked it though. Great use of description and characters and I felt it was an interesting way of writing. You definitely evoked a great mood with your writing.
Dandy Crocodile - A ritual
This was a really entertaining completely enclosed short story with beginning, middle and end. I like how you didn't jump and explain what a La Llorona was the first time you named her. The descriptions and tense tone were done well. This was a story I didn't think "ok, I'm editing for feedback with this." I got caught up in the story. I very much enjoyed it. The only thing I stumbled on was the ending when La Llorona makes a 'decision' to leave the house and not take Ximena. I just don't think of ghosts making conscience decisions, especially when she comes off kinda like a ghost broken record - crying every night and killing the way she does. Just something to think about.
Flowerisbritish - A student's chase
I liked the concept of the old apprentice trying to make sense of his master and finding he wasn't as amazing as he had always thought. Isaac making potions was neat and I liked the interaction between Clark and Isaac. Even though I knew the woman at the door was most likely the daughter, I didn't know why Isaac knew so instantly, when he was so hesitant to believe the rumors of his master before. I also thought it jumped a bit - from Isaac being so diligent about finding the cause of the ruins, to his acceptance that his master wasn't that great. Wouldn't he still be doggedly wanting to find out the complete truth of the ruins in the skull? Overall it was an entertaining story.
Tangent - Foolproof
This was an easy-to-read, light-hearted read that followed the prompt well. The character was likable and I enjoyed reading about their system and how it was almost thwarted by parents craving a house without smelly socks thrown everyone. The only thing I was expecting was more of a beginning, middle and end with a resolution but it seemed more of a vignette. The end petered out a bit for me, but the beginning was solid to get you interested in reading the rest.
Frekifox7 - Cruel Devices
*previously discussed. I think you did a great job and it was a well-paced story that kept you reading. Great job with the prompt!
FairyD - Repeat
The tale of the sultan had me really interested. I found myself wondering if that was an actual story or if youd made that part up as well. I think you did an interesting thing with the prompt - the ring with the inscription- but I would have liked the other side of the promise illustrated. The sultan asked to be happy when sad and sad when happy, so a little explanation of the saying this too shall pass, in both happy moments to make you sad and sad moments to make you happy, might have strengthened the old piece. I think the story started strong but felt like it had less direction as it went along. I still enjoyed the read though.
Mike M - The Hinny
*previously discussed. Your writing is always something interesting to read. I'd like to say I liked this one- but it also made me want to throw up
Well written and a great example of horror writing. Sober - AND
I really enjoyed reading this. It was an easy, fast-paced read and very sweet. I liked how it jumped from head to head and between years to get the whole romance down. I wish the ending was more final, but it was still good. Starting off at third grade and using the prompt to catapult the whole story was great. I wish I had seen a bit more description of Holly and Andy, but I know the word count probably made you cut that part out
Nezumi - I think I'm forgetting something
I liked how you tied the prompt into what appeared as actual events. Nice descriptions to a short vignette.
Cyan - My very efficient mother sent us nine...
I liked this story. The fact that his mother was still messing with his life and position even though he'd tried so hard to separate himself was good. I enjoyed the setting and the surprise of all the troops showing up unannounced and thought the oxygen problem was interesting to read about. I expected the robot we kept revisiting to have a bigger part and at times I was a bit thrown by all the story time-lapses (* * *) but the story itself was well-written and I enjoyed it.
Nenner - Faith will always ease sorrow
I really liked the concept of this piece. It was a complete short story with a solid (if not sad, because you knew she had kids) ending. I thought you described the rooms well and the energy of each room housing each element. I was wondering the whole time where it was going, making me keep reading. The pacing was good, characterization and element of surprise. The only criticism Id give is something I myself have issues with - editing for grammatical mistakes and sentence structure. Great story!
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Haha I did some sleuthing. Welcome Kelly and Nicole to Neogaf! Look forward to reading more stuff by you two.
Beaniedue: The music really did set the mood for this, making it way better and feel more noirey. So this is a pretty well writen, by the bars, noir.You have one big clue, it shows up, and there is a logical progression of thought to lead to the mystery being solved. Well done on that by the way. It's very easy for these to be sudden, but yours was very natural. The one thing that bothered me though was what the big deal about what I can only see as graffiti at most? Yeah, it's a weird word, but I can't see why Fink would be kept up at night by it? It's tough for me to get invested in the future of the mystery when I don't understand why there is a mystery in the first place.
Keleesto- I always appreciate descriptions of voices; "Sound like water tumbling over rocks" is a pretty good line. There seems to be a weird confliction in Traegan in the beginning. First, he seems to be remorseful Morintale has to go with him, then the next page he's talking about how their "annoying creatures." Similarly, he is nervous at what is sure to be death, but then later nonchalant. I think the use of the mnemonic was pretty clever, where I didn't get the phrase at first, but as it all happened I went "oh!" it felt very much like a Silent Hill puzzle for me. Also love the pitch dark ending! Hopeless failure is the best!
Ourobolus- You had me by the third line. What a great premise! The ending tripped me up till you posted the link. It's subtle, but the Henry's Law joke is pretty good.
Ashes: I'm making a tally now of every time you use an &. It's a spiteful tally. Anyway, I think you are a very talented writer. I love your minimalistic style, maybe it's because you're the only one in this group that uses one, but damn it's always just really interesting to read. Although it's a double edge sword. Stylistically, you use it very well, but it also makes a lot of your grammatical error, and format inconsistencies all the more noticeable. Another double edge sword I've noticed is your dialogue. This story has a lot of really great dialogue and some very unique situations, like Kelly and her hand on the guys zip. But you interrupt it with things like "Honey" and "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn." For me, these take what is some very natural dialogue and makes it feel artifical, less genuine, less real. This piece feels like it works best when there is back and forth between the dialogue interrupted by your great yet simple descriptions. The line "You can feel her shiver betraying her confidence" is great, by bringing physical reactions, and reactions to the environment, it makes it feel like the characters are more real within the fiction. People react, they have dumb thoughts about candles and shivers. Finally, I need to applaud because I think you are exceedingly clever. The switch at the end to it being told from the wife is interesting, and offers a fantastic swirl on the second person perspective. And also the recurring theme that he isn't honest with himself circling back to the unspoken detail that, like the pornstar lying about her age(the revealed flaw mentioned at the end) this is not an honest portrayal of the husband. Rather it is a portrayal from the wife about her not so honest to himself husband. They way it all comes together in this genuinely deep and literary way is just fantastic in general. I had a lot of fun picking this apart, so thank you.
Dandy Crocodile: I really liked the line "society collapsed to the ground with a heavy sigh" It really sets the mood of the world. The anxiety of not being able to fulfill your OCD while being looted is a pretty interesting idea, even if it is brief. Though, you do make one of the most egregious decisions in all fiction, why didn't Bandana shoot XI? There is literally no reason not too. She finds all the food herself, Xi killed her friend, there is no reason to let her just chill on the couch. Hell, Xi isn't even tied up! She could just walk away and hide. Anyway, La is pretty creepy. You did an excellent bit of show don't tell where you didn't tell us what she was, but instead we see her go around and be moi creeps and dangerous. Although, the ending where she looks into Xi's soul and goes away is a little weirdly light hearted for me.
Tangent: I found the tone in this really weird to describe... it feels like you're telling me a story. Like physically you are next to me, telling me the story in person. I am constantly expecting to see hand motions and waggles during certain moments. Maybe that's why I like the visual aids this time, they felt like those hand waggles I wanted. Anyway it's a cute story with a lot of great little bits in it. I think my favorite is the simple description of "pressure cooker high school schedule"
Frekifox7- I was wondering where you were going with all that repetition and I got the big payoff around two third when he forgets his parents. What I enjoy the most is that he doesn't simply forget, rather it's replaced with sinister logic. That's way more interesting then forgetting. You do a wonderful job of describing his agony, and circling it into and out of his thoughts. It gives off the impression that the pain is definitely driving him crazy. The general state of his physical and mental decay is pretty gradual and well paced, that the point where he can clearly see the ghost things seemed like a natural extension of what he was going through. Yet I don't feel we get enough of his character to really make an impact for when his fall does occur at the end.
FairyD- I really like the way you tell the sultan story in the begining, but I feel this was more a story about cycles, where the character was going to be doomed to repeat things. I didn't really see how "This too shall pass" really played into it. Your end line is killer, and brings home my point about cycles.
Mike M: I feel there needs to be more something more at the end here. A further step for resolution... David is thrust into deafness, and then madness, and we get a few really great pages of surreal worm stuff, and then it ends. Your ending leaves the impression of a cautionary tale on me, but the rest of the story doesn't really feel like a cautionary tale. That said, you have some really great descriptions with real and imaginary worms. But as a rule of thumb with gross out horror, the more detailed you can be the better. I feel you were just level of description shy of really getting that gross out from me. Except for the part where it comes from the mouth, that was great! Overall, your pacing is great throughout this, as shown by the gradual evolution of the word Hinny throughout, where it went from mystery, to assuming a definition of David's own, to consuming his world.
Sober: I really loved all the head jumping, coupled with the fact you were jumping in time. The two made for a great pair! Also you characters were a cute pair! Plus, we seem them as kids during their first meeting. Seeing kids meet and then grown up and interacting with each other is always one of my favorite things in fiction. Again, they were really cute together. So cute, I wept for you when you clearly ran out of space haha. Wow, this really could have used an extra thousand words, which is a huge shame because I really want to see the long and proper version of this story!
Nezumi: High five! The Witcher 3 is awesome! What a great game. As for the story... something about feels almost... autobiographical...
Cyan- One of my favorite things is when you get a fancy future with crazy technology and it doesn't work. It's great, and it got me instantly into your story. What brought me out was the sudden appearance of Moore. She's clearly in charge of the marines, and is asking/demanding to be on the station, yet they do the conversation in person, implying she already arrived? I feel like that should have been a phone call or something, they would have had that conversation before their arrival. Anyway, the twist at the end where it's all the mother's doing to make her son look good is great, and retroactively makes you title somehow better.
Neener- Very nice descriptions of the strands through out. You really give the impression that they are these amazing things that are filling up the MC with life and wonder. And they also do different things, behave differently with each element, you really found a way to give an added sense of life to the world with this. And with this life, when it's taken away, you create a very interesting conflict, that leads to a wonderfully dark ending!
Does anyone else read the comments on other people's stories, or am I the only one?
Votes:
1)Neener
2)Cyan
3)Mike
Beaniedue: The music really did set the mood for this, making it way better and feel more noirey. So this is a pretty well writen, by the bars, noir.You have one big clue, it shows up, and there is a logical progression of thought to lead to the mystery being solved. Well done on that by the way. It's very easy for these to be sudden, but yours was very natural. The one thing that bothered me though was what the big deal about what I can only see as graffiti at most? Yeah, it's a weird word, but I can't see why Fink would be kept up at night by it? It's tough for me to get invested in the future of the mystery when I don't understand why there is a mystery in the first place.
Keleesto- I always appreciate descriptions of voices; "Sound like water tumbling over rocks" is a pretty good line. There seems to be a weird confliction in Traegan in the beginning. First, he seems to be remorseful Morintale has to go with him, then the next page he's talking about how their "annoying creatures." Similarly, he is nervous at what is sure to be death, but then later nonchalant. I think the use of the mnemonic was pretty clever, where I didn't get the phrase at first, but as it all happened I went "oh!" it felt very much like a Silent Hill puzzle for me. Also love the pitch dark ending! Hopeless failure is the best!
Ourobolus- You had me by the third line. What a great premise! The ending tripped me up till you posted the link. It's subtle, but the Henry's Law joke is pretty good.
Ashes: I'm making a tally now of every time you use an &. It's a spiteful tally. Anyway, I think you are a very talented writer. I love your minimalistic style, maybe it's because you're the only one in this group that uses one, but damn it's always just really interesting to read. Although it's a double edge sword. Stylistically, you use it very well, but it also makes a lot of your grammatical error, and format inconsistencies all the more noticeable. Another double edge sword I've noticed is your dialogue. This story has a lot of really great dialogue and some very unique situations, like Kelly and her hand on the guys zip. But you interrupt it with things like "Honey" and "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn." For me, these take what is some very natural dialogue and makes it feel artifical, less genuine, less real. This piece feels like it works best when there is back and forth between the dialogue interrupted by your great yet simple descriptions. The line "You can feel her shiver betraying her confidence" is great, by bringing physical reactions, and reactions to the environment, it makes it feel like the characters are more real within the fiction. People react, they have dumb thoughts about candles and shivers. Finally, I need to applaud because I think you are exceedingly clever. The switch at the end to it being told from the wife is interesting, and offers a fantastic swirl on the second person perspective. And also the recurring theme that he isn't honest with himself circling back to the unspoken detail that, like the pornstar lying about her age(the revealed flaw mentioned at the end) this is not an honest portrayal of the husband. Rather it is a portrayal from the wife about her not so honest to himself husband. They way it all comes together in this genuinely deep and literary way is just fantastic in general. I had a lot of fun picking this apart, so thank you.
Dandy Crocodile: I really liked the line "society collapsed to the ground with a heavy sigh" It really sets the mood of the world. The anxiety of not being able to fulfill your OCD while being looted is a pretty interesting idea, even if it is brief. Though, you do make one of the most egregious decisions in all fiction, why didn't Bandana shoot XI? There is literally no reason not too. She finds all the food herself, Xi killed her friend, there is no reason to let her just chill on the couch. Hell, Xi isn't even tied up! She could just walk away and hide. Anyway, La is pretty creepy. You did an excellent bit of show don't tell where you didn't tell us what she was, but instead we see her go around and be moi creeps and dangerous. Although, the ending where she looks into Xi's soul and goes away is a little weirdly light hearted for me.
Tangent: I found the tone in this really weird to describe... it feels like you're telling me a story. Like physically you are next to me, telling me the story in person. I am constantly expecting to see hand motions and waggles during certain moments. Maybe that's why I like the visual aids this time, they felt like those hand waggles I wanted. Anyway it's a cute story with a lot of great little bits in it. I think my favorite is the simple description of "pressure cooker high school schedule"
Frekifox7- I was wondering where you were going with all that repetition and I got the big payoff around two third when he forgets his parents. What I enjoy the most is that he doesn't simply forget, rather it's replaced with sinister logic. That's way more interesting then forgetting. You do a wonderful job of describing his agony, and circling it into and out of his thoughts. It gives off the impression that the pain is definitely driving him crazy. The general state of his physical and mental decay is pretty gradual and well paced, that the point where he can clearly see the ghost things seemed like a natural extension of what he was going through. Yet I don't feel we get enough of his character to really make an impact for when his fall does occur at the end.
FairyD- I really like the way you tell the sultan story in the begining, but I feel this was more a story about cycles, where the character was going to be doomed to repeat things. I didn't really see how "This too shall pass" really played into it. Your end line is killer, and brings home my point about cycles.
Mike M: I feel there needs to be more something more at the end here. A further step for resolution... David is thrust into deafness, and then madness, and we get a few really great pages of surreal worm stuff, and then it ends. Your ending leaves the impression of a cautionary tale on me, but the rest of the story doesn't really feel like a cautionary tale. That said, you have some really great descriptions with real and imaginary worms. But as a rule of thumb with gross out horror, the more detailed you can be the better. I feel you were just level of description shy of really getting that gross out from me. Except for the part where it comes from the mouth, that was great! Overall, your pacing is great throughout this, as shown by the gradual evolution of the word Hinny throughout, where it went from mystery, to assuming a definition of David's own, to consuming his world.
Sober: I really loved all the head jumping, coupled with the fact you were jumping in time. The two made for a great pair! Also you characters were a cute pair! Plus, we seem them as kids during their first meeting. Seeing kids meet and then grown up and interacting with each other is always one of my favorite things in fiction. Again, they were really cute together. So cute, I wept for you when you clearly ran out of space haha. Wow, this really could have used an extra thousand words, which is a huge shame because I really want to see the long and proper version of this story!
Nezumi: High five! The Witcher 3 is awesome! What a great game. As for the story... something about feels almost... autobiographical...
Cyan- One of my favorite things is when you get a fancy future with crazy technology and it doesn't work. It's great, and it got me instantly into your story. What brought me out was the sudden appearance of Moore. She's clearly in charge of the marines, and is asking/demanding to be on the station, yet they do the conversation in person, implying she already arrived? I feel like that should have been a phone call or something, they would have had that conversation before their arrival. Anyway, the twist at the end where it's all the mother's doing to make her son look good is great, and retroactively makes you title somehow better.
Neener- Very nice descriptions of the strands through out. You really give the impression that they are these amazing things that are filling up the MC with life and wonder. And they also do different things, behave differently with each element, you really found a way to give an added sense of life to the world with this. And with this life, when it's taken away, you create a very interesting conflict, that leads to a wonderfully dark ending!
Does anyone else read the comments on other people's stories, or am I the only one?
Votes:
1)Neener
2)Cyan
3)Mike
Nope, you're not the only one! I typically read all of the comments once I've read all the stories.
Not until I'm done, that would be spoilers.
Beaniedude
Member
1). Mike M - The Hinny
2). Sober - AND
3). Cyan - My very efficient mother sent us nine
Man all of your stories are so good. They're great to read.
2). Sober - AND
3). Cyan - My very efficient mother sent us nine
Man all of your stories are so good. They're great to read.
Dandy Crocodile
Member
1.) Sober - AND
2.) Mike M - The Hinny
3.) Neener - Faith Will Always Ease Sorrow
Beaniedude - Detective Dirk Lomborg and the Case of the Mysterious Lines
This had a very nice flow to it, with the pace at which information was introduced.
I'm not sure the use of "brethren" for a cloud of smoke quite worked and I think the detective would have called "Farzky" an acronym before it being a mnemonic.
What exactly was Farzky a mnemonic for in the end?
Loved the yellow gloves. The second that was mentioned it was a very "ahhhhh" moment.
Keleesto - Traegen
A great tragedy. I realy enjoyed the action sequences and the use of the mnemonic.
I'm still debating with myself if there was quite enough detail given to Traegen and the Marintale's relationship to fully believe in their love at the end.
Ourobolus
I feel a bit confused by your story. Not quite enough information for me to understand what exactly was happening.
Was the Coke the thing that tied into the theme?
Ashes - Four or Five Memorable Kisses
Poignant stuff. Beautiful flowing vignettes that loosely tied together in the end. I think the fourth kiss was my least favorite, with the second being the best. Wish it was eligible!
Flowersisbritish - A Student's Chase
I really like the early description of the table. It's almost hidden as a throwawy line but it gives a good mental image of all the things the table could be and has been used for over the years.
The potion making descriptions were vivid and enjoyable, especially the usage of a word near the end.
Tangent - Foolproof
I really enjoyed the way the mnemonic was carried throughout the life of the narrator, even though its usage and items used changed.
Frekifox7 - Cruel Devices
The way she changed his hair color and length was fantastic.
Really superb sensory details and use of bucolic settings that keep swaying the character's emotions between his past and present.
Very intense ending.
FairyD - Repeat
Pretty sobering short. I did enjoy how the story of the sultan was introduced and tied into the life of the narrator, though I do wish a bit more of his life had been explored to give a bit more weight to the fourth item on his napkin.
Mike M - The Hinny
Cool concept, and an interesting spread of it throughout the story. The slow spread of gross-out creepies was fascinating.
Sober - AND
LORD. I actually got a bit choked up at the storage unit scene and then the final paragraph just had me downright verklempt.
The aging of the characters and the buildup of their relationship was really well done in such a short space. This totally seems like it could be the plot of a YA love story, haha.
Nezumi - I Think I'm Forgetting Something
Cute story. Relatable realism, and hopefully your mnemonic will work soon!
Cyan - My Very Efficient Mother Sent Us Nine
Very strong voice right from the intro paragraph. Nicely written story and the conclusion with the way his influential mother found a way to influence his life even as he tried to distance himself worked well.
Neener - Faith Will Always Ease Sorrow
Really interesting premise. The descriptions of each room were great and Maria's reaction to her experience with each of the different elements were a joy. The ending was quite bittersweet.
2.) Mike M - The Hinny
3.) Neener - Faith Will Always Ease Sorrow
Beaniedude - Detective Dirk Lomborg and the Case of the Mysterious Lines
This had a very nice flow to it, with the pace at which information was introduced.
I'm not sure the use of "brethren" for a cloud of smoke quite worked and I think the detective would have called "Farzky" an acronym before it being a mnemonic.
What exactly was Farzky a mnemonic for in the end?
Loved the yellow gloves. The second that was mentioned it was a very "ahhhhh" moment.
Keleesto - Traegen
A great tragedy. I realy enjoyed the action sequences and the use of the mnemonic.
I'm still debating with myself if there was quite enough detail given to Traegen and the Marintale's relationship to fully believe in their love at the end.
Ourobolus
I feel a bit confused by your story. Not quite enough information for me to understand what exactly was happening.
Was the Coke the thing that tied into the theme?
Ashes - Four or Five Memorable Kisses
Poignant stuff. Beautiful flowing vignettes that loosely tied together in the end. I think the fourth kiss was my least favorite, with the second being the best. Wish it was eligible!
Flowersisbritish - A Student's Chase
I really like the early description of the table. It's almost hidden as a throwawy line but it gives a good mental image of all the things the table could be and has been used for over the years.
The potion making descriptions were vivid and enjoyable, especially the usage of a word near the end.
Tangent - Foolproof
I really enjoyed the way the mnemonic was carried throughout the life of the narrator, even though its usage and items used changed.
Frekifox7 - Cruel Devices
The way she changed his hair color and length was fantastic.
Really superb sensory details and use of bucolic settings that keep swaying the character's emotions between his past and present.
Very intense ending.
FairyD - Repeat
Pretty sobering short. I did enjoy how the story of the sultan was introduced and tied into the life of the narrator, though I do wish a bit more of his life had been explored to give a bit more weight to the fourth item on his napkin.
Mike M - The Hinny
Cool concept, and an interesting spread of it throughout the story. The slow spread of gross-out creepies was fascinating.
Sober - AND
LORD. I actually got a bit choked up at the storage unit scene and then the final paragraph just had me downright verklempt.
The aging of the characters and the buildup of their relationship was really well done in such a short space. This totally seems like it could be the plot of a YA love story, haha.
Nezumi - I Think I'm Forgetting Something
Cute story.
Relatable realism, and hopefully your mnemonic will work soon!Cyan - My Very Efficient Mother Sent Us Nine
Very strong voice right from the intro paragraph. Nicely written story and the conclusion with the way his influential mother found a way to influence his life even as he tried to distance himself worked well.
Neener - Faith Will Always Ease Sorrow
Really interesting premise. The descriptions of each room were great and Maria's reaction to her experience with each of the different elements were a joy. The ending was quite bittersweet.
Nezumi - I Think I'm Forgetting Something
Cute story.
Well, to be on the save side I just had a quill tattooed onto my lower arm. I mean if that doesn't work as a reminder, I don't know what will...
Beaniedude
Member
Farzky was just a nonsense word I made up. The original story had Farzky being the name of the guy who was doing all the graffiti and that being the big reveal at the end. Now because this is flipping obvious to anyone who was had any experience in living in the real world, I made this occur in a world where graffiti is quite new, which I did a poor job of putting across.
But then I thought that reveal was quite bad and it didn't pay off so I reworked it all around to have an actual conclusion (even though this conclusion it doesn't really conclude and you still have this mystery at the end).
In the end, I thought of mnemonics as little phrases with secret meanings behind them and Farzky was just another puzzle to solve.
Ack, I know! Grammar is and always has been my arch-nemesis!
I really need to go back to third grade and learn this crap again... anyone have suggestions on learning grammar? Elements of Style? Eats Shoots and Leaves?
I've had the Elements of Style sitting on my bookshelf, glaring at me for years! Everyone says to subscribe to the Grammar Girl podcast. I do...but I haven't exactly listed yet.
*I* tell you that, but I don't think anyone else is on that particular train : )
When you didn't conclude, I was pretty frustrated. But then I just made up a nonsensical ending in the detective dirk gently style* that made me laugh.
it was the father all along! He's part of the steam community fan base of farsky, so he wanted to do something viral-esque; but then when he saw it was his daughter who answered his call, he was like a deer in headlights. What if she found out that he wasn't really ill when she was at work? & on reddit all day! So he just muffled his voice. & she thought it was farzky rather than farsky. I've a queer sense of humour. I know. I know.
*at least that is where it started!
I feel like I'm supposed to have Elements of Style, even if just to make myself think I'm serious about this writing thing.
I'll try the podcast, but I've always thought of grammar as something that you visually need to see... hopefully it's not all over my head
Beaniedude: Had a lot of problems/questions with this one, which kind of ended up wrecking the whole thing for me. We start off with the sound of the spray can, but then later Dirk seems to be unfamiliar with the concept? Then how is he narrating the first couple of lines? If its not him narrating, then who is it? Why would someone hire a PI for a case of graffiti? Why would graffiti be marked with crime scene tape? How many times is Drik going to take a long drag of his cigarette? What significance does Farzky have? Why would someone hire someone to put up random graffiti for enough money to afford expensive medication? None of these were answered for me.
Keleesto: Weve already been over this : P Still trying to get used to reading stuff from you that doesnt involve people on horseback trying to kill one another, but Im glad to see you branching out into short story stuff.
Ourobolus: Its no mystery that the reason these places dont offer free refills is because they can charge you by the can otherwise. Everything else about this is a mystery, even knowing what Henrys Law is. I feel like its a joke that Im too stupid to get the punchline.
Ashes: Something must be in the air, because thats twice in a row that your entry has appealed more to me than the usual. I think this would have benefited from more editing and a more traditional styling, but the core of it was strong. At first I was down on the notion that it was a second person narrative stripping the reader of agency and assigning particular characteristics, but then the identity of the narrator was revealed and everything fell into place for me.
Dandy Crocodile: Heeeey, La Llorona. Thats kind of obscure, I think this is only the second story Ive ever read that featured her. Glad to see a full conflict/escalation/resolution cycle in this one, but I wasnt a fan that La Llorona seemed to have established rules that she would take everyone that she came across only to arbitrarily give Ximena a pass at the end for reasons, and as has already been pointed out there wasn't a good reason for Ximena to not get shot dead anyway. The momentary head-hop to La Llorona near the end was jarring and unnecessary, that could have been handled better too. Overall, the whole setup seemed too big a concept to limit to ~1,800 words, as the notion of an unstoppable supernatural entity stalking the streets at night and depopulating an entire country is a premise with a lot of depth to be explored.
FlowersisBritish: A lot of the imagery didnt work for me. Drooling steam? In what world are iodine flakes white? What does it matter what color the ashtray is? Whats agley? Do you mean algae? In general the whole alchemical process in the first scene was bogged down with unnecessary detail about the process which ultimately wasn't relevant to the story. I'm wondering if what you cut came from the right place, because once we got past that part it leveled out considerably, but the characters' development seemed to be limited to having a defining quirk. The student can't tell when people are joking, the illegitimate daughter has an unusual speaking pattern, but they felt more cramped than I wanted them to be. My greatest unfulfilled want from this story was the desire what, exactly, his master had said about magpies so we could have the chance to see if it really had been a joke or not.
Tangent: Cute let anecdotal tale. I found it a little odd that the main characters parents would take it upon themselves to spontaneously clean his room and do all his laundry after he had apparently acclimated to living in pig sty. Also thought it was weird that theyd take make his socks into a sock monkey and just randomly leave it by his door, or that theyd be more accommodating of leaving sofa cushions by the garage door to remember to take out the garbage rather than dirty socks throughout the house. Also wasnt quite sure why he felt the need to have a reminder to review his presentation in the morning. I mean, thats the whole reason for the business trip, right? Wouldnt the fact that hes waking up in a hotel room far from home make him remember that hes supposed to be doing that?
frekifox7: You already heard my thoughts on this one : P Sluagh still strike me as relatively obscure folklore that even I wouldnt know anything about if I didnt have a copy of White Wolfs Changeling: The Dreaming rulebook as a teenager. Well, I guess they were also in Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver, too, but not in the same capacity. Kudos for digging them up, Im kind of pleased with the amount of obscure folklore supernatural creatures weve got going on this week
FairyD: Putting aside issues such as the changes in verb tense and the fact that we spent a disproportionate amount of time on a character named Steve who never even appears and is only mentioned a few lines before the end of the entire story, this didnt feel complete to me. I wouldnt even have advice if asked on what to do with it, because Im not sure where this is supposed to be going. Its a guy who cyclically quits his job and gets drunk; thats not really a story unto itself, thats a setup for a bit of character background for something else thats more interesting. I was left at the end thinking Okay, and so what happens? Presumably Steve fits into it somehow, otherwise why dedicate an entire paragraph to him, right?
Mike M: This was originally entitled Earworm, but certain someones in this thread who shall rename nameless told me to change it : P The original concept of this one was a mnemonic plague where a simultaneously literal and figurative earworm infects hosts and spreads itself to new victims. At first I had thought of it as falling under the umbrella of my series of stories featuring the Status Quo, but this particular story never developed a need for them to make an appearance. I had intended the conclusion to be ambiguous as to whether the worms were all in Davids head (yuk yuk yuk) or a real phenomenon that only he could perceive and that the doctor had become infected, but I think in the end its difficult to read as anything other than hed gone nuts/suffered brain injury from a stroke or something. Overall, Im mostly pleased with the way it turned out, though there are still a few clunky bits that I wasnt able to smooth out no matter my ability. Maybe if I took another few passes
Sober: I kept waiting for the swerve that never came. I thought for sure that the bit about the rain and worrying about Dannys safety was foreshadowing some sort of tragic ending, but in the end we just got some relatively mild relationship drama and they still end up together while theyre relatively young. Its not like theyre soul mates that the universe has conspired to keep apart and that they only finally get the chance to come together in the sunset years of their life or something like that. Indeed, it seems like much of their drama directly stems from Hollys inexplicable decision to not go with Danny. She cant even offer up a reason for making the decision, which just made me wince because it highlighted the artificiality of the forced conflict. The story needed them to be apart, so they were apart without adequate justification. There didnt seem to be much breathing room between Hollys crisis of conscience and the happy ending either, which made it seemed like it essentially ends at the climax without an adequate resolution phase.
Nezumi: My, how topical. I wish I had such problems as too many video games to play : P
Cyan: That Mike Rowe thread really colored my perception of this story. It spends a great deal of time talking about how Aiden is not the beneficiary of nepotism and worked hard to be where he was without having anything handed to him, which is exactly what the beneficiaries of nepotism who have things handed to them think. I spent the entire time wondering if this was a send up of the clueless privileged person who thinks they worked hard to get to the position theyre end, or if it was trying to play it straight and have it be that Aiden was genuinely not unduly advantaged for his mothers position. The fact that he spent a few sentences noting that all his hard work had consisted of getting other people to get people to do stuff for him made me think that you might have been going to the send up route, but honestly I just cant fucking tell anymore around here. Heh. To his credit, though, Aiden did seem a relatively upstanding guy who at least made a conscious effort to not trade off his mothers name and was offended when she took it upon herself to present a situation where he would be made the hero, regardless of whether or not he was unwittingly taking advantage to a lesser degree.
Neener: While generally well-written, this one really irked me with the way it was trying to blend the four classical elements into sci-fi stuff. The four classical elements are bunk, we know its bunk, and trying to back-fit it into even a fictional legitimate scientific evaluation unexpectedly kind of ground my gears. Maybe if it were part of some sort of attempt to understand the scientific underpinnings of a magic system, I could overlook it, but that didnt seem to be the case in this instance. Wasnt sold on the becoming one with the sunshine bit either, theres quite the gap to cross between a neural implant that allows someone to perceive the flow of energy (Okay, working with you so far), to consciously manipulate it after the span of five minutes (Loosing me ), to transcending the mortal coil (whaaaa?). Call me nitpicky and big on rules that govern flights of fancy, but theres not even a mechanism speculated upon that would explain how that could have happened.
Votes:
1.) Keleesto
2.) Cyan
3.) frekifox7
Really tough choices for me this week.
Keleesto: Weve already been over this : P Still trying to get used to reading stuff from you that doesnt involve people on horseback trying to kill one another, but Im glad to see you branching out into short story stuff.
Ourobolus: Its no mystery that the reason these places dont offer free refills is because they can charge you by the can otherwise. Everything else about this is a mystery, even knowing what Henrys Law is. I feel like its a joke that Im too stupid to get the punchline.
Ashes: Something must be in the air, because thats twice in a row that your entry has appealed more to me than the usual. I think this would have benefited from more editing and a more traditional styling, but the core of it was strong. At first I was down on the notion that it was a second person narrative stripping the reader of agency and assigning particular characteristics, but then the identity of the narrator was revealed and everything fell into place for me.
Dandy Crocodile: Heeeey, La Llorona. Thats kind of obscure, I think this is only the second story Ive ever read that featured her. Glad to see a full conflict/escalation/resolution cycle in this one, but I wasnt a fan that La Llorona seemed to have established rules that she would take everyone that she came across only to arbitrarily give Ximena a pass at the end for reasons, and as has already been pointed out there wasn't a good reason for Ximena to not get shot dead anyway. The momentary head-hop to La Llorona near the end was jarring and unnecessary, that could have been handled better too. Overall, the whole setup seemed too big a concept to limit to ~1,800 words, as the notion of an unstoppable supernatural entity stalking the streets at night and depopulating an entire country is a premise with a lot of depth to be explored.
FlowersisBritish: A lot of the imagery didnt work for me. Drooling steam? In what world are iodine flakes white? What does it matter what color the ashtray is? Whats agley? Do you mean algae? In general the whole alchemical process in the first scene was bogged down with unnecessary detail about the process which ultimately wasn't relevant to the story. I'm wondering if what you cut came from the right place, because once we got past that part it leveled out considerably, but the characters' development seemed to be limited to having a defining quirk. The student can't tell when people are joking, the illegitimate daughter has an unusual speaking pattern, but they felt more cramped than I wanted them to be. My greatest unfulfilled want from this story was the desire what, exactly, his master had said about magpies so we could have the chance to see if it really had been a joke or not.
Tangent: Cute let anecdotal tale. I found it a little odd that the main characters parents would take it upon themselves to spontaneously clean his room and do all his laundry after he had apparently acclimated to living in pig sty. Also thought it was weird that theyd take make his socks into a sock monkey and just randomly leave it by his door, or that theyd be more accommodating of leaving sofa cushions by the garage door to remember to take out the garbage rather than dirty socks throughout the house. Also wasnt quite sure why he felt the need to have a reminder to review his presentation in the morning. I mean, thats the whole reason for the business trip, right? Wouldnt the fact that hes waking up in a hotel room far from home make him remember that hes supposed to be doing that?
frekifox7: You already heard my thoughts on this one : P Sluagh still strike me as relatively obscure folklore that even I wouldnt know anything about if I didnt have a copy of White Wolfs Changeling: The Dreaming rulebook as a teenager. Well, I guess they were also in Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver, too, but not in the same capacity. Kudos for digging them up, Im kind of pleased with the amount of obscure folklore supernatural creatures weve got going on this week
FairyD: Putting aside issues such as the changes in verb tense and the fact that we spent a disproportionate amount of time on a character named Steve who never even appears and is only mentioned a few lines before the end of the entire story, this didnt feel complete to me. I wouldnt even have advice if asked on what to do with it, because Im not sure where this is supposed to be going. Its a guy who cyclically quits his job and gets drunk; thats not really a story unto itself, thats a setup for a bit of character background for something else thats more interesting. I was left at the end thinking Okay, and so what happens? Presumably Steve fits into it somehow, otherwise why dedicate an entire paragraph to him, right?
Mike M: This was originally entitled Earworm, but certain someones in this thread who shall rename nameless told me to change it : P The original concept of this one was a mnemonic plague where a simultaneously literal and figurative earworm infects hosts and spreads itself to new victims. At first I had thought of it as falling under the umbrella of my series of stories featuring the Status Quo, but this particular story never developed a need for them to make an appearance. I had intended the conclusion to be ambiguous as to whether the worms were all in Davids head (yuk yuk yuk) or a real phenomenon that only he could perceive and that the doctor had become infected, but I think in the end its difficult to read as anything other than hed gone nuts/suffered brain injury from a stroke or something. Overall, Im mostly pleased with the way it turned out, though there are still a few clunky bits that I wasnt able to smooth out no matter my ability. Maybe if I took another few passes
Sober: I kept waiting for the swerve that never came. I thought for sure that the bit about the rain and worrying about Dannys safety was foreshadowing some sort of tragic ending, but in the end we just got some relatively mild relationship drama and they still end up together while theyre relatively young. Its not like theyre soul mates that the universe has conspired to keep apart and that they only finally get the chance to come together in the sunset years of their life or something like that. Indeed, it seems like much of their drama directly stems from Hollys inexplicable decision to not go with Danny. She cant even offer up a reason for making the decision, which just made me wince because it highlighted the artificiality of the forced conflict. The story needed them to be apart, so they were apart without adequate justification. There didnt seem to be much breathing room between Hollys crisis of conscience and the happy ending either, which made it seemed like it essentially ends at the climax without an adequate resolution phase.
Nezumi: My, how topical. I wish I had such problems as too many video games to play : P
Cyan: That Mike Rowe thread really colored my perception of this story. It spends a great deal of time talking about how Aiden is not the beneficiary of nepotism and worked hard to be where he was without having anything handed to him, which is exactly what the beneficiaries of nepotism who have things handed to them think. I spent the entire time wondering if this was a send up of the clueless privileged person who thinks they worked hard to get to the position theyre end, or if it was trying to play it straight and have it be that Aiden was genuinely not unduly advantaged for his mothers position. The fact that he spent a few sentences noting that all his hard work had consisted of getting other people to get people to do stuff for him made me think that you might have been going to the send up route, but honestly I just cant fucking tell anymore around here. Heh. To his credit, though, Aiden did seem a relatively upstanding guy who at least made a conscious effort to not trade off his mothers name and was offended when she took it upon herself to present a situation where he would be made the hero, regardless of whether or not he was unwittingly taking advantage to a lesser degree.
Neener: While generally well-written, this one really irked me with the way it was trying to blend the four classical elements into sci-fi stuff. The four classical elements are bunk, we know its bunk, and trying to back-fit it into even a fictional legitimate scientific evaluation unexpectedly kind of ground my gears. Maybe if it were part of some sort of attempt to understand the scientific underpinnings of a magic system, I could overlook it, but that didnt seem to be the case in this instance. Wasnt sold on the becoming one with the sunshine bit either, theres quite the gap to cross between a neural implant that allows someone to perceive the flow of energy (Okay, working with you so far), to consciously manipulate it after the span of five minutes (Loosing me ), to transcending the mortal coil (whaaaa?). Call me nitpicky and big on rules that govern flights of fancy, but theres not even a mechanism speculated upon that would explain how that could have happened.
Votes:
1.) Keleesto
2.) Cyan
3.) frekifox7
Really tough choices for me this week.
Amateur. I have the Chicago Manual of Style!
Somewhere. It may be holding open a door.
Grammar Girl is really more linguistic trivia, it seems. She occasionally has something useful (like using toward vs towards) and almost always *interesting* to talk about, but any given show is awfully narrow in scope.I'll try the podcast, but I've always thought of grammar as something that you visually need to see... hopefully it's not all over my head
Plus something something vocal fry.
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