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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #178 - "Homecoming"

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F

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
Xeris: So I don't care about football. I care enough about not caring that I'm devoting a second sentence to the point. I mention this because you got me a little interested in it through your narration. I loved the actual game, the parts where we got a play by play. You described it in a way that actually got me excited. I also really liked the restrained view on most of the players, it's not a story about one of them, but a team. Kind of felt like a sports movie in that regard. Though, some of the cuts to the players and their lives in the middle of the game felt very jarring and got me confused as to where the story was at the moment.

Mike M: This bothers me so much. Why would a clearly smart guy, whose mere solitary existence caused shit to happen, be enchanted with amateurish magic runes? Especially when he has a friend that is an expert on this stuff! Obviously, you're having a lot of fun with these characters as this is one of their multiple installments. And they are a lot of fun, I usually enjoy reading about them and their world. I especially loved the new details on Walter, and a little new understanding of how Erich's stuff works.

Hop: You did a good job of showing me a little of what it was like living in Alaska, along with the kind of family James grew up in. A lot of nice little details. I thought the list twist of "and son" was good in theory, but lacked emotion impact for me. I got to know James and his dad, even grew to like them both, but it's tough for me to feel sad for them about their brother when I don't know much about the brother. You only mention him in passing during diner. The brother's existence feels kind of superfluous. You could write out the brother entirely and the story would still work.

Tangent: I love how sincere this is. Mr Grizzly only wants to make sure everyone gets along, and as a weird kid that has trouble getting along with people, I appreciate that. Honestly, reading of their little camp adventure and how they became friends reminded me a bit about being a kid. This was good and heartfelt, and just kind of made me feel better about the world, so thanks for that.

Dandy Croc- For a story that's essentially "I went to the airport this one time," I enjoyed this a surprising amount. I think it was the edge of humor in this. Never full out comedy, but just an amusing story with a lot of fun bits. I particularly liked Krysten. Just her entire existence and betrayal were great. Just... I kind of can't believe you stuck with the joke. Halfway through I was sure you were going to get to the family and then you didn't and it just kind of kept going and I was amazed but still read curiously. This was a weird experience. Also that end was pretty good.

Ashes: So the narration seems like, in the beginning, it is being written in like a letter or journal, but drops that sense and goes to straightfaced first person for the most part all the way to the end. The idea of him writing this down never at all comes into play again, just shows up and goes away. The dynamic with the kid is easily the best part because it's so revealing about a person who meets someone that agrees with them, but still lies constantly to them. Also, the concept of the Mental Engine is an interesting one I don't think I've quite read that way before.

Cyan- The moment this grabbed me was at the realization it was a box. Also well done on using the secondary to great affect. The little notes in the journal(scribbles, the tallys) offered a great air of detail to it, especially since we get the characters reactions to the pages too. There's a lot of great ideas in this, and I love the use of the journal. I have mixed feelings about the ending. The horror fan in me loves it because it adds a level of dread and isolation perfect for a horror ending. But this didn't really read like a horror story to me? For similar reasons, I felt a little frustrated because the characters technically gained no new knowledge of the device because they're researchers and I would have liked for them to at least achieve something rather than just uncover already accessed knowledge. It wouldn't bother me as much spending your time to only tread the same ground was a more important theme throughout, but I didn't really get that vibe from it.

Nezumi- Clever use of the secondary you had there, also I really like the picture of the parasite. Wish I had some good advice to help with writers block, but the only suggestions I can think are "try alcoholism" or "spirit quest"

DumbnameD- The beginning felt a little slow, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It wasn't till Jim held up Uriah that I felt really engaged. Their back and forth was interesting, and you did a pretty natural job of expanding upon the world they lived in. I do kind of wished you expanded on the father plot point, I thought Uriah was interesting enough a guy and would have liked to have seen how he reacts to his father's grave.

TIme for some votes
1. Cyan
2. Tangent
3. Ashes
 
C

Cyan

Banned
xeris: A West Texas Story - Nice little twist on this one, though I wonder if anyone not into football would be able to follow the story all the way through.

FlowerisBritish: The Last Star in the Sky - Feels a bit listless, which I suppose is the point. I didn't feel grounded because I never worked out which war this was supposed to be or what the italicized bits meant.

Mike M: Harold Erich Assists Diane Parr in the Task of Escorting Their Mutual Associate Home - Oh Walter you jerk. I enjoyed this one. These characters are fun when they have something to do.

Hop: And Sons - I like the talking around what happened. Could use a more clear throughline as far as conflict; maybe an early indication of what his dad will ask of him.

Tangent: Crunchy Camper - "It was a color photo" Ha! Poor Pablo. I would've liked to know a little more of what he was thinking through the whole thing. Maybe that would be harder.

Dandy Crocodile: The Time I Came Home From Spain - Heh, I've actually been to that airport. Nothing wrong with this story, but I sort of feel like it needed something more. Maybe more focus on the (sort of?) friend to make the betrayal a bigger deal?

Ashes: Mental Engines - Had to pause and think after this one. Happens a lot with your stories. I guess if I was going to criticize, I'd say the change that may be to place came on a little quick.

Cyan: Memorial Base - On reread, there was an underlying idea or theme here that was trying to peek out and didn't get a fair shake. Could've helped it out with additional thought (and time).

Nezumi: Parasite - Ah! I hope I don't catch it. :/

DumbNameD: You Tell Me - Good subtle setup for the ending. I was surprised and then went "oh right." I liked that the character really was kind of a nasty person but made me root for him anyway.

Votes:
1. Ashes: Mental Engines
2. DumbNameD: You Tell Me
3. Mike M: Harold Erich Assists Diane Parr in the Task of Escorting Their Mutual Associate Home
HM: Hop
 
M

mu cephei

Member
1. Ashes
2. Cyan
3. Hop

I did write something for this one, but didn't submit it. Still, I was interested in what people came up with, and ended up reading them all, so I thought I might as well vote. Sorry if that's a bit weird.
 
X

xeris

Member
I came down with a bad cold so I'm just going to do my vote.

Votes:
1. Ashes: Mental Engines
2. Mike M: Harold Erich Assists Diane Parr in the Task of Escorting Their Mutual Associate Home
3. DumbNameD: You Tell Me

I might give comments later if I'm not too hopped up on cold medicine.
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
xeris: The depiction of the game seems fairly well described (I wouldn’t really know, sportsball is the bane of my existence and small-town life where it revolves around it at a high school level sounds like my own personal hell), but the story overall seemed to lack a clear focus. By turns we jumped from Smithey to Jimmy to his girlfriend’s heads. The central conflict was presumably the game itself, but the stakes weren’t high enough for me to really care about the outcome. Despite being inside the head of three different characters at various points, only Jimmy really had anything even remotely important riding on the outcome. Even then, “he might not get a scholarship offer if they lose this game” is weak conflict lock because it leaves the possibility that he could still get it regardless. The ending was something of a cheat to me, it took an already low-stakes conflict and negated it completely. I like the twist in concept, but in execution it just came out of the blue. There wasn’t anything in the story preceding it that would directly countermand such an ending, but there wasn’t anything really hinting at it either.

FlowersisBritish: Putting aside the fact that I find it strange that Arnie would have never met his Uncle Leo before, I’m conflicted in regards to the fact that his mom never sent word that his father had died. Her rationale is kinda understandable, I guess, but I don’t know if that justifies her actions. And honestly, the more I think about it, the more I think that grappling with his mother’s action would have been a stronger conflict for Arnie instead of the melancholy yearning for something unknown. At the very least, it seems like it should have been addressed in greater depth than what we got. That was a heavy, heavy thing she did, and we just kind of breeze right past it.

Mike M: This was a very deliberate and purposeful exercise for me. In finally getting around to re-reading my NaNo book from last year with an eye toward editing, I noted that I didn’t like how close the perspective was, and that there was a whole shitload of telling instead of showing--particularly in regards to sense and emotions--which made everything read as YA when that was absolutely not what I was going for. So I set out to write this without getting into the heads of either character and wind having it be from one character’s perspective (or worse, head jumping), without explicitly mentioning how the characters were feeling or thinking. Also, wanted to do an action sequence because I always have trouble with those. I think I’ve inadvertently started something of a serial with these characters without intending to, but Harold had a moment of speaking for the author when he was questioning the why/who/how of Walter being “killed.” I have absolutely no idea, but it’s a story hook if there ever were one. Maybe this is an exercise in “pantsing” for me as well if I were to do more installments for the mystery. Incidentally I have detailed answers to Flowers’s questions, but it can mostly be summarized as Harold has a raging superiority complex and would speak poorly of anyone’s ability, and that he hasn’t actually known Walter for very long.

Hop: “The two are obviously a couple, you know.” <- I’m not sure if this is part of the narration, or if it’s a summation of what James’s mother was telling him. If it’s the latter, its ambiguous without a dialogue tag and could easily be read as the former, and third person narratives should not be addressing the reader. I’m not sure if the reveal that the man lost was James’s brother was intended to be a twist, but the mention of the fireplace mantle being a shrine combined with his conspicuous absence from the Thanksgiving dinner led me to assume that he had already died on a fishing expedition before we even got to the end, so it didn’t have a lot of impact with me. Which is a shame, because taken as a whole it seems like this whole thing was set up in service of what was intended to be a crushing reveal, and without it it’s just kind of there. There’s no central conflict to speak of, and there’s no real resolution to anything. There are some good turns of phrase (I especially liked the lines about how you learned to deal with the cold immediately followed by the one about James having forgotten) and descriptions, but there’s not a strong narrative frame to hang them on.

Tangent: So, given the color photo, they were all polar bears? Even though one of them was named Mr. Grizzly? That threw me a little bit, since it didn’t seem consistent with the other named characters all having normal, non-ursine names that started with “P.” I guess it’s possible a grizzly could run a camp for polar bears… Cute little story, and the central conceit of bears in the wild having canoes, paperwork, and igloo camps didn’t run into any major hurtles that I could see (since, you know, I get really nitpicky about the consistency of the world building of animals behaving like people : P). I felt like it was building to something a bit bigger, but then it was just they figured out to freeze seals for Pablo to crunch on. I was expecting a punchline, but it was played straight until the end. Add some illustrations and dispense with/reword mentions of oral stimulation and selective mutism, and it’s essentially a ready-baked children’s book.

Dandy Crocodile: Probably could have used a spell check/copy edit pass (“Trek” not “treck,” “trach,” and Kindle would be capitalized). If this isn’t an actual anecdote, you did an amazing job of having it come across as the real deal. The nature of anecdotes, though, is that real life doesn’t typically conform to story structure with acts and conflicts and story beats etc. Technically I guess you could classify it as non-fiction, but even then I think it needs to be framed in the terms of a strong protagonist/antagonist conflict to be compelling. The conflict in this one was, I guess, one of person versus fate or nature, but the impersonal antagonism never really rose above anything but inconvenience. The fact that the part about the ticket not printing out in Madrid ultimately didn’t amount to anything since it was just printed in Philly was a disappointment, because I was expecting far worse things than a gate change and being bumped to the next flight. It’s a story that I would listen to a friend relate back to me, but if presented in any other context (CWC aside, obviously), I probably would have moved on before I got to the end. But I’m a genre fiction kind of guy, so make of that what you will.

Ashes: I’ve never been to Ireland and don’t know how widespread the use of “me” instead of “my” is (or whether it’s actually spelled “mam” or if that’s just the Irish inflection of “mom.”), but it sounds weird to my ear to have someone using nonstandard phrasing and generally speak in the commonest of vernacular say “I feel a sense of catharsis writing this.” There’s some good, multi-layered conflicts running through the course of this one, even if they’re not obviously resolved by the end of things. I guess a case could also be made for the fact that the narrator’s turnaround from irredeemable scoundrel to considering the possibility of being a responsible adult and thinking of someone other than himself was a bit of a whiplash. There’s enough potential here for a full novel, cramming it into a story this short is doing it a disservice.

Cyan: The scientist in me cringes as they just barge into the experimental chamber to see what’s in the box without checking their instruments to see if there’s, like, something hugely radioactive or something. This seemed simultaneously reminiscent of that episode of TNG where Dr. Crusher is stuck in the warp bubble where people are disappearing and that one short film making the rounds a few months back where there was a time travel loop where things got worse and worse with each iteration. Everything is mysterious, nothing is explained, which is what makes it such a horrifying fate to think about. Great premise, solid everything else with no real flaws to speak of (outside of wondering how the notebook got started if the artifact kept eating their memories of observations of it.).

Nezumi: Kind of weird cross between Cyan’s entry this week and that one I wrote about the memetic plague worm this past summer. I think for maximum effect, though, the words that the grub is eating would need to be typed to match the rest of the entry? Unless that was the picture as you found it, I guess?

DumbNameD: The sudden jump to what Josiah was thinking was a little odd, if only because the detail that he had wished that he hadn’t dropped the rabbit was so inconsequential to anything else. I liked the dialogue and the history between the characters told through their interaction, but the characterizations seemed off to me. I had a hard time believing that as a white man Jim would be relatively reasonable and accepting of the changing of the social order during the Reconstruction, especially as a member of the law enforcement apparatus. I suppose it’s entirely possible that a deputy in the post-Civil War south could potentially not be a white supremacist, but I don’t think we had enough time in the space allotted to fully unpack that concept, hence the disconnect to me. On a similar note, I didn’t ever get the impression that Uriah was ever that much of a “bad man.” He may have done all manner of terrible things since his escape, but the only things we know about are what he did during that episode, which were arguably justifiable.

The Votening:
1. Cyan
2. Ashes
3. DumbNameD
 
H

Hop

That girl in the bunny hat
Funny how many seemed to go with cold and snowy imagery. Almost as if it's winter or something.

1st: Cyan
2nd: DumbNameD
3rd: Mike M
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Ashes said:
*reads nezumi's story*
Op's curse?
Op's curse.
Click to expand...
cursebite-ring.png


Don't seem to have that problem.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
xeris: As a foreigner looking in, I think I got more out of this than some of the regulars. Couldn't see the play by plays in my head, but got the gist of what was going on.
FlowerisBritish: PTSD? or literary devices? the last bit was illuminating, but up to that point it was an exercise in frustration rather than piquing curiosity.
Mike M: Magic. I love magic. But it felt like it went on too long. That being the point of the joke or something.
Hop: Reminded me of The Dead by James Joyce. But the emotional pull was buried rather than bare or raw.
Tangent: The color photo part mean that they were polar bears? So the parents told of the kid's 'disorders' in such a nonchalant way. Gee. Thanks mum. Lots of love. Ashes.
Dandy Crocodile: This is like hearing a friend tell of their journey home. But you kept my attention all the way through.
Ashes: Very rare is it that I see a bit of my self in stories I write. It was subconsciously done. As a meditation on how grief can alter life in a profoundly meaningful way, I think I failed as usual. But maybe next time, I'll do better.
Cyan: What came first, chicken or egg? Top marks for the out-of-the-box thinking. Get what I'm saying? eh? eh?
Nezumi: You were downed by the curse, but you used it against it self? Cool. Though this had nothing at all do with the theme.
DumbNameD: I read this first. And your trademark opening was good as usual. But it was a tad long, no? and altogether I thought it missed the mark a bit. Welcome back Ninja.

un. Cyan: Memorise nothing.
deux. xeris: An American story.
trois. Nezumi: op life.
quatre. DumbNameD: No you.
 
D

DumbNameD

Member
1. Ashes: Mental Engines
2. FlowerisBritish: The Last Star in the Sky
3. Mike M: Harold Erich Assists Diane Parr in the Task of Escorting Their Mutual Associate Home
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Grats, Ashers! Look forward to seeing what you come up with. ;)

And special thanks to my collaborator on this one, Codename: Chartreuse.
 
M

mu cephei

Member
Nezumi said:
Totally not weird :)
Click to expand...

Thanks :)

And congratulations Ashes!

Mike M said:
Mike M: This was a very deliberate and purposeful exercise for me. In finally getting around to re-reading my NaNo book from last year with an eye toward editing, I noted that I didn’t like how close the perspective was, and that there was a whole shitload of telling instead of showing--particularly in regards to sense and emotions--which made everything read as YA when that was absolutely not what I was going for. So I set out to write this without getting into the heads of either character and wind having it be from one character’s perspective (or worse, head jumping), without explicitly mentioning how the characters were feeling or thinking. Also, wanted to do an action sequence because I always have trouble with those. I think I’ve inadvertently started something of a serial with these characters without intending to, but Harold had a moment of speaking for the author when he was questioning the why/who/how of Walter being “killed.” I have absolutely no idea, but it’s a story hook if there ever were one. Maybe this is an exercise in “pantsing” for me as well if I were to do more installments for the mystery. Incidentally I have detailed answers to Flowers’s questions, but it can mostly be summarized as Harold has a raging superiority complex and would speak poorly of anyone’s ability, and that he hasn’t actually known Walter for very long.
Click to expand...

That's really interesting, the only thing that didn't quite work for me with yours was I felt rather distanced from what was happening, otherwise it was great. So definitely a successful exercise.
 
H

Hop

That girl in the bunny hat
Yay, I actually got points!

From the feedback, it sounds like I really need to work on expressing emotional impact. Which I kinda figured, hence why I leaned on it, but now I have specific feedback. Also seems like I should work on foreshadowing, I seem to be kinda wobbling around the right level of predictability. My NaNo stuff has too little, I guess this hit it too on the nose. The limited conflict... maybe I should've started writing before the last minute so I wouldn't get all "fuck I'm tired I'm done now". Then I could actually feed it in earlier! x_x

But hey, yay feedback, yay writing more! Let's see what you've got, Ashes. :)
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Mike M said:
Just remember that was a three-week challenge last time. Which would put the due date past Christmas, so that may actually work out.
Click to expand...

First, I don't think that's what he meant and second the collaborative planning would be a bit stressful over the holidays I'd say.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Nez knows.

Edit: anybody have great ideas, feel free to throw them at me. Cause all I have is a secondary objective: write a literary story.
 
F

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
Ashes said:
Nez knows.

Edit: anybody have great ideas, feel free to throw them at me. Cause all I have is a secondary objective: write a literary story.
Click to expand...

Maybe it's because I am in a macabre mood, but something bleak, something desolate. Something gray that also has a lot of symbolic leeway...
Ashes
 
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