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The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Challenge #16 - What Nature Reclaims

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B

British Monsoon

Member
The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Challenge #16 - What Nature Reclaims

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Theme: What Nature Reclaims
Welcome to 2011 poetry people - it's the start of a new year and that means we're one year closer to the Last Judgement/End of Days/2012/Armageddon/Ragnarok as predicted in the eschatological texts of various religions over the years, so on that cheery note this weeks theme is 'What Nature Reclaims'.

Interpret this theme however you like, but make sure to give your piece a suitably post-apocalyptic feel!

Secondary Objective: Lay
A Lay is a narrative form of poetry that was widely used by poets in medieval France. A traditional lay uses an octosyllabic verse (8 syllables per-line) and usually maintains one or two rhymes throughout a stanza. However, the Breton Lay is less strict, allowing for nonuniform lines unrestricted by the number of syllables, but still adhering to a couplet rhyming structure. So, yeah - narrative poems that use rhyming couplets and adhere to the 8 syllable-per-line rule if you're feeling brave :)

Poetry thread Rules version 1.2:
1. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
2. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a Friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote.
3. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following two week period. Some weeks like during E3, this may not be possible, so we will have an interim one week period until normality is resumed. As a general rule, we like to keep this on the alternate week to the Creative Writing Thread.
4. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want.
5. Optional secondary objectives are not mandatory, you can include them or not.
6. Further addition to rule five: you can also try the secondary objective as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such.
7. Vote for your favourite poems. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. Don't vote for the same author twice. And watch out for pieces that are labeled ineligible - comments on these pieces labelled as such are welcome but you just can't vote for them. Incidentally, feel free to vote even if you haven't submitted a piece - the more the merrier :)
8. During the count, First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point.
9. In the event of a tie, the tally will be counted again with first place being allocated three and half points. If it isn't resolved then, it will be up to the OP (most likely the previous winner) to decide to how to go about things.
10. Winner gets a round of applause and will have the records stating it as such. After which Rule 3 is in effect and we start a new thread.

Deadline: Friday, January 7th, 2011 at 11:59pm, Pacific.

You should get your votes in by: Sunday, January 9th, 2011 at 11:59pm, Pacific.

---

Previous Threads:

Poetry Thread #01: Reflection
Poetry Thread #02: Making the Blind See (+ 5W poems)
Poetry Thread #03: Interior (+ Incorporate a song or album title)
Poetry Thread #04: History (+ Dream Song poems)
Poetry Thread #05: A View From Afar or Within (+ Clerihew poems)
Poetry Thread #06: The Surreal and the Fantastical (+ Haikus)
Poetry Thread #07: Expectations versus Reality (+ Ode)
Poetry Thread #08: Mirror's Edge (+ Rhymes)
Poetry Thread #09: Look on the Bright Side (+ poem must end with _________________ as it's last line)
Poetry Thread #10: Obsolete (+ Ink)
Poetry Thread #11: Pride (+ Kanye West)
Poetry Thread #12: Passing By (+ Allegory)
Poetry Thread #13: Take this Society (+ Ballards)
Poetry Thread #14: The Dark (+ Add Zombies to taste)
Poetry Thread #15: The Great Winter (+ Elegy)
 
A

AnkitT

Member
I'm pretty much ashamed to admit this, but I have little to no understanding of what syllables are. :( Can I haz explanation?
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Anyone making any headway? I seem to only want to procrastinate. The other thing being that all I want to write about is a town/city in the future overrun, and taken over by nature, basically, what is in the op.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
I have a very different interpretation of the theme, but I cant seem to convert it to words just yet.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
_____________________

Mechanical heart
_____


Pray little child, where do you go?
-Just follow me, don't be so slow.
Sweet childhood thoughts, where goes this kart?
-Not very far, close to your heart.
Will I like what I get to see?
Will it be an awesome journey?
-Sure... perhaps... I really don't know.
-It might be something hollow, or
Maybe something filled with sorrow.

Tick, tock, tick tock, goes the old clock,
every little step, block by block,
down the corridor, up the stairs,
drifter drifting without any cares
through the attic, onto the roof,
getting quite giddy, all aloof!
hold on to your hat, keep awake,
Steady on, for goodnesses sake.

I see his back now, mind ajar
the aged, the philosopher,
the poor man's benefactor; lone,
sits grandfather, eyeing the tree,
it's branches bursting with spring leaves,
planted on the day he was born.
The birds take flight, the silence torn;
how can he compete with nature's
art; how is he to out live that?
He won't, not even when he is the
man with the mechanical heart.

What grandfather made, the grandchild
gained, then life's sweet purpose became
clear, like water dousing the flame,
and paper boats floated along
the lake, another man-made thing,
that we did make, and was cherished,
by long forgotten souls, sadly
perished. The gaps lie unconquered,
through the pages of history,
only to be found in a child's
memory, never to perish,
in natures own biography.

Pray little child, where did you go?
-I followed you through the keyhole.
Sweet childhood thoughts, where did you part?
-I kept close, like chest to a heart.
So then, did you like what you saw?
Was it all you'd hoped it would be?
-yes, it was very good indeed,
I saw grandfather in good light,
And to him I did wish a good night.
His ashes floating in the wind,
our hearts & minds, verily twinned.
 
O

Ominym

Banned
Returning the key to the Rightful Gatekeeper:

A man named Ginsberg once saw his generation succumb to howling darkness,
But it is I who will witness the deed finished.

Deep within your sanguine eyes you relish crushing the throats of your kind,
And as opportunity presents itself you predictably let bloodlust guide you.

In this fray however you will forget the opponent you’ve been fighting for millennia,
But worry not squatters; I’ll let you euthanize one another before I intervene.

As your species indulges in each other’s blood, I too will gorge,
Those large crystalline shelters I have envied for so long will soon become as much a part of me as you once were.

With time the last bastions of your kind will notice my intrusion,
But already with your kind in death throws you will not remain opposition for pestilence ages older than your kind.

Intently I observe the last of you writhe and suffocate; knowing I will envelope what is left,
My parting words to you will not be in remorse for the scars you carved upon my face.

But words with thankful intentions as I use you for fertilizer,
And begin to remove your black stain from my existence.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Birds circle in rainbow splendour
cutting through the air
with talon, wing and feather

skeletal figures of stone and steel
that litter the skyline
treasures concealed

by branch, tree, moss and vine
crumbling frames of debris
abandoned, left behind

for the monolithic brilliance
of these ruinous structures
are notable by their owners absence

and of them no trace is to be found
those old and forgotten denizens
long since gone to ground.

Irish said:
I wish I had something, but I'm just not finding any inspiration. :/
Click to expand...

Same here, I'm not entirely happy with my piece, but it'll have to do.
 
K

kid ness

Member
lizard

a languid lizards lies
on the slick pavement
the sun governs his face
the air wears down his throat

he steps step, tail curled,
past long yellow lines.

a grasshopper, maybe two,
jump past his extended tongue
then disappears

his feet fall victim,
his body too parched.
his steps start to falter,
and he now lays on the dry cracking floor.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Good stuff. Remember to vote everybody. You can vote even if you haven't entered this week.

It was challenging this week, but in a good way.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
I had 4 lines which I promptly scrapped. My idea was basically about a pacifict in the post-apocalyptic world finding the last bottle of alcohol in a bunker about to be broken into by zombies/other scary tropes/etc. The whole idea was how the animal instinct aka nature, takes over. But I could not complete it in time.

I will vote tomorrow evening when i'm in a clearer state of mind than I am in right now. A quick glance tells me that good stuff awaits! :D
 
K

kid ness

Member
Sorry guys, don't have the time to critique, I'm running out the door as I write this. Here are my votes. Good stuff this week, as always.
1) Bootaaay
2) Ashes3196
3) Nightshade1765
 
A

Ashes

Banned
1. nightshade - The voice is on song, but it falters with the some of the prose. Euthanasia was a wrong choice, I feel, as was "death throws". And I'm guessing you were talking about mother nature? so war seems to suggest a wrongful thing to get angry at. It's as if a deity is talking, fed up with man always going to war against one another. Oh maybe it is death, you were talking about.. hmm interesting. Maybe next time work more on the rhythm.

1. Bootaaay -Good execution of the main points. The third stanza, with the rhyme: brilliance & absence feel the right words for the point you were making but loses the rhyming symmetry of the rest of the poem.

1. Kidness - I don't get the, "he steps step" part. And I'm not sure whether I want one. The last line needed work, as it wasn't to the quality of the rest of the poem. Very acute little poem. Good stuff.


There's nothing really between any of those poems, but just for traditions sake, I'll opt to vote the following way:

1. Bootaaay
2. Nightshade
3. Kid ness

It's good stuff getting to read these on a lazy Sunday afternoon. I do feel a bit parched after reading Kid nesses piece.

ps. There seems to be three ashes in this thread. Good stuff. Tomorrow we take over the world! :p
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
1. Ashes1396 - although the jump from strict rhyming couplets to a more free verse was slightly jarring I think that from the third stanza onwards this piece flows wonderfully well and utilises some great imagery. I especially like the final stanza (although 'verily' sticks out a bit) with the repeated use of the opening line and the recurring uses of 'good'.

2. Nightshade1765 - interesting piece with a suitably dark tone and some evocative word choices throughout.

3. Kid Ness - I like the use of alliteration in the opening line but don't feel it works as well with 'steps step' (btw, was that meant to be 'his steps step'?), also the ending seemed a bit abrupt.

Good stuff this week guys :)
 
D

daydream

Banned
Great thread ! Glad I found this.

1. lizard (kid ness)
2. Gone to Ground (Botaaay)
3. Mechanical heart (Ashes 1396)
 
O

Ominym

Banned
I'm jumping into this whole thread series a little late, and my ability to write poetry is middling at best. That aside thank you so much for the critiques.


1: Ashes3196
2: Bootaaay
3: kid ness
 
A

Ashes

Banned
_____________

Results
___


1. Bootaaay: 13 pts ***
2. Ashes1396: 11pts **
3. kid ness: 7pts *
4. Nightshade 5 pts


Congratulations to Bootaaay. Good poems all round. Competition was healthy and tough, which was excellent to see.

Bootaaay, congrats mate; now hurry up and get the next challenge going asap; this time preferably before the dawn of a new week. :)

Thanks are due to everyone who voted, entered a poem, compiled the entries, and provided critiques.

*denotes no of 1st place votes.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Awesome, thanks guys - I'll endeavour to have the thread up tomorrow.

I'd work on it now, but I'm in the middle of drafting a 15 minute screenplay that needs to be finished by midnight, and of course I've left it to the last minute again. Wish me luck! :lol
 
A

Ashes

Banned
good heavens! good luck. good luck. twice in a row, something something, etc etc, go kick that script's arse today, not tomorrow!
 
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