Wrap up reviews
This week in the Neogaf Creative Writing thread, we had an unusually long writing period, ending on a Friday, which was balanced off with a harsher shortening of the reading and voting period, lasting the rest of the weekend. Cyan, the thread winner from the previous week, decided to do this as part of his theme: Rough luck. The secondary theme encouraged writers to give their final sentence an impact, which quite possibly brought an old timer back into the fold.
The first of 13 stories [apart from my own] was a short story called Black Thirteen, by LiQuid!. The story is about a gambler at the card table and pretty much is a summation of the theme. It's written in a clear style, and is short and concise for the most part. The three symbolic parts of the story, 1, Miguel's high stake gambling, 2, the couple (almost necking), and 3, the all you can eat buffet, were the three things writers [on screen and print] are often advised to include, namely, danger, sex, and/or food. Or perhaps this just the author's subconscious coming through? Dig deeper, and one can interpret the gamblers ruin, his inability to fully understand that he can't work the odds in his favour, and his longing glances at the couple [they have something he doesn't seem to have, both luck and each other], and finally the impassive godly figure of dealer – just there in the background. [3/5].
The Country Life, by another new author texasairhead101, and admittedly a harder read, thanks to the rather laissez faire approach to editing. This is explained [I presume] towards the end by the suggestion that it has been written by a dog, which only leaves me thankful that it isn't a longer piece. Having said that, the twist did work. Even if one presumes that dogs can write in English, why should one presume that it would have a better grasp of grammar? And this is the party trick if you like of the piece. The tale of the two best friends, man and beast, separated by a maiden, is a classic tale; one that includes jealousy, and the natural change in relationships; but even so, from the grammar, I half expected the twist, and was wondering how it would turn out, and it ended better than expected. It is a simple story, and for that it is better for it. [2/5]
Bootaaay with an all new bare chested avatar, entered with the third very short entry of the week, titled Sacrifice. It is overwhelmingly more dense than the previous two above; the sentences are lengthier, but the readability is unaffected, due perhaps to his skills in poetry and experience in the poetry thread. Set in a -now trademark- fantasy land - that Bootaaay seems to like-; Tiro the hunter witnesses a ritualistic sacrifice; and this sacrifice occurs to appease the gods. Only Tiro's father suggests mercy, and this is the turning point of the piece: the leading of Tiro to wonder whether mercy is not only ethical, but the right political choice, as highlighted by the ending, where friends of the wonderer - who was murdered or shall we say 'sacrificed'- arrive looking for him. Although written well for the most part, the writing becomes clumsy in some of the middling paragraphs, making it slightly harder to work out who was doing the killing, and who it was being done to. The role and abject criticism of religion in this story challenges the assertion of what I thought was a mythical place; thus it could be an earlier period in tribal human history, or even more unlikely a post-apocalyptic scene that has seen humans return to this more basic tribalism kind of behaviour. [3.5/5]
batbeg's [another new addition to the fold] All Kinds of Messed Up, is appropriately titled all kinds of messed up. The nauseating fear was detailed by the often harsh and necessary descriptive style. Whilst lacking the rhythmic easily readable prose, and clarity seen in Bootaaay's story, batbeg does a good job of setting the atmosphere in this horrific tale. I like horror stories, and this had good length and a likeable unravel. Punishment, especially the kind of brutality of torture, was vividly shown I thought as well as being implied, and this only faltered slightly after the reveal- I wasn't quite sure whether the narrator was a mental patient in an asylum, or actually had a alien thing in side their head or whether they were to be trusted at all. The other thing that bothered me was the utter clarity at the sudden bright light, which made no sense to me. It should have been blinding, and I could not work out why this wasn't so. All in all, a good debut. [3.5/5]
Alfarif's clean pristine tidypub printed Iron Timothy, starts off with an -unusually for him- clumsy sentence. And though the rest of the piece had a much more clean run, there are occasions where there is a run of short sentences, which gave the story a stilted pace at certain points. The story about the hit-man who kills a friend, had that Alfarif comic feel, that works excellently from then on. The walk, the thoughts, the sight of strangers and red lights, all formed to give a more smooth running picture. And here the brevity works a treat, and written it feels like with greater confidence. The call girl or prostitute feels like a remnant of another story, sin city perhaps, but it works very well, and is the second best part of the story. The best part, for me being just slightly after. And the story had it ended there, when Timothy returned home would have been perfect, I feel, but that last impact or twist needed to be added perhaps [I think not though, as in the case of the Batbeg's story, you don't have to necessarily consider the secondary objective], and so I had to wonder and figure out the wristband technology – which had always been there so a circular ending of sorts. The wristband being a somewhat important part of the story, the ending made sense. It has always been clear to me that Alfarif understands colour and prose far better than I, and compared to last week the story this week came through much more stronger. [3.5/5]
And so we come to the author alluded to at the start of the article. Ronito returned with an old character, in his story, The Trinity Completed. Jose Ramon Mateo Ecazio Ines de la Trinidad claims that he will probably die within that day, and that it is because he is taking on La Moderna cartel. And he is a priest. of course. At first I thought it was near the Mexican border, and that it was the wild west, but the helicopters, snipers, oh and condoms, suggest a more modern setting. And then the high flying drama spills into customary action. If you have read Ronito's stories before, you learn to expect what is coming up and the coming of Al -fucking Roker still raises a smile for me. Lastly, the local language, the dialogue, feels authentic, and is incorporated into the story well, as are the latin prayers the priest says on occasion. Ronito is still one of the few writers on gaf that gets me to laugh, and so that ought to be mentioned as well. I will not mention the donkey incident though. I won't. You can't make me Ronito.[3/5]
Terror, by Grakl, is the story of a predator lurking in wait for the hikers[?], and the eventual gobbling up of them. It fails to scare, or even pique mystery because it is something that has been written many a time before, [rather like my own entry to be fair], so I wondered, whether there was something more substantial beneath the fold for the armchair philosopher and their pencil? The iceberg philosophy so to speak. Or was he attempting to show us something different? Or practising prose. I think the latter. The prose reads beautifully and clearly; Grakl is also a poetry thread contributor and that is evident here, in the concise use of imagery to generate the forest like setting, and the nice flowing of the sentences – an inherently good rhythm almost without conscious thought. The terror came and went, and the though the last line was certainly amongst the best last lines this week, it was predictable and so slightly dull. Still, the piece was written really clearly, and though too short, it was a half-decent story. [2.5/3]
After a long period in the wilderness, bengraven returned with The Bad Batch. His style has changed, though I'm not sure whether it is due to the story at hand or something he has been reading; [he is writing a novel, good luck ben.g!]; the prose is more parse and brevity is the order of the day, with fragmented sentences commanding the reader's attention in a flattering way. The fundamental issue of the piece is the aborted clones left to die, or killed in their millions, and the one Mary, aided somewhat by Joe, in her adoption, defend, rescue, and get justice for of this 'bad batch'. The use of religion is heavily visible, from the names of characters, to the dialogue and the rhetoric; and whilst at first glance there was no inherent criticism, I felt perhaps, that it's pretty much all criticism with the implication of the inability for a religious follower to use critical thinking skills, and/or interpret the bible how they want. The author then included a wetting scene, whose intended meaning I'm not sure of. The last passage brought the story back round the moral aspects of letting the 'bad batch' live, and I thought this the best scene, though it suddenly did awkward 180 with the incestuous ending. I'm not sure what ben was going for, and I'm not really sure, whether I want to know, but as a whole, it demonstrates what a mixed bag of a story it all was. [3/5]
Crush was the story with an unravelling twist, where the use of the form, the written word is used to good effort. Its author ShockingAlberto, and his realistic gaf avatar, writes of two lovers entangled in an adulterous gay love affair, which while not being entirely original, worked a treat. ShockingAlberto worked the prose at least to some degree, as is evident of the foreshadowing, and the withholding of the crucial information; but unlike earlier examples by Zeph, Tangent [admittedly Tangent's effort that time beat out the most difficult competition I've seen in my time in this thread, so the bar is particularly unfairly high] and others, the point of the piece seems to revolve around the 'twist'. When one knows the point, the piece is overwritten -not necessarily rushed-, and fails to invite empathy by stating the obvious till the end. If the ending of the piece matched the heart of the opening, by showing us love, intimacy and tenderness, then the story would have been much better for it. However, we are simply told that age old cliché, that there is regret, and so the piece ends somewhat flat. Which is a shame, as for the most part it was a great piece [3.5/5]
Whilst ShockingAlberto was one among the new flock, Ward is one of the old stalwarts who returned to the thread, and returned he did with 'If It Wasn't for Bad Luck, I Wouldn't Have Any Luck at All'. The titles this week have been great, and this my favourite of the bunch. Ward jotted down the jotted in unfussy fashion, get right into the bad day, and bad luck of it all. Schadenfreude lovers unite, because the character is one unlucky soul. I'm not of that crowd though, I don't think, so I could do nothing by empathise. Although I don't think this is anywhere near Ward's best, there is something about the piece that makes it not only entertaining, but also allows one to interpret or reinterpret the story to ones own views. There doesn't appear to be any effort to do anything apart from telling the events from scene to scene, but it has to be said that the events throttled along a great pace. [2.5/5]
Tangent had so much time this week, she wrote two whole stories. The legitimate entry “The Gods Must Choose”, was the second time she took on the various gods of the major religions, except this time, her argument could be made sense of. A bold and deliberately outrageous piece, that will probably offend Christians, Muslims, Hindu's, all the religions, but at least it's written clearly. As a piece of rhetoric, as these things often are, it works to achieve its ends I suppose. This reviewer is probably just bored by god jokes. And that isn't really to do with Tangent's story, but rather spending too much time debating it all over the place. The story revolves around various gods that are child-like and decide who to help in the world. The choice is between a poor poverty stricken child, or a sports star, and they decide to opt for the sports star. The argument is meant to criticise perhaps sports stars who look up and thank god. Why does god X look and grant a sport star's wishes when he doesn't look at the state of suffering poverty stricken children. And in that act of mockery, it begs the question, why do people believe in stupid gods? Its an interesting debate, and one most folks should have I think. But whether it will be approached in the same way by people of all faiths is a different matter.[2.5/5]
Voila, her second piece is written in an almost stream of consciousness style about a person who wants the figure they adore to notice them. A typical teenage quandary, the prose is well written, witty and engaging. When I've said before how I felt Tangent's text was supposed to be funny, and didn't think it made me a laugh, I recall that she said, she wasn't trying to be humorous, so I'm not sure whether its worth repeating the conversation. But it was good piece none the less. [3/5]
And then we come to our thread op, Cyan's effort, Contract. Contract's lead, Thomas Hutch, an off worlder comes into conflict with somebody that broke a contract. Except as a twist, in this tale, he cannot enforce the contract and the applicable cancellation fee. Whilst it was a good twist, I'm not sure whether the last sentence is supposed to evoke a sense of irony that is present in the tale, or is actually what the lead thinks. I'd guess the former. Cyan has gone back to his trademark almost comic voice, and that lifts the piece that little bit. The addition of a secondary character to which the lead appeals to, may be a trope [? no I'm not going to look in to *that* website and lose an afternoon], but it works great here. It adds a little bit of depth, and also implies that the lead isn't necessarily the smart one; this every day man, I suppose helps to identify with the character. The sci-fi elements are there and present, but thankfully does not overwhelm the characters - the landscape does not out stage the actors, which can be a fault in some stories. I'm not sure whether the casino scene is symbolic or another trope, but my guess, is that it just sets the scene. And the prose is clear, lively and energetic; and demonstrates the author's ease in crafting such stories. [3/5]
I think overall, my favourite story this week was the first story I read, LiQuid!'s Black Thirteen. It was remarkably simple, but I found a lot there that I could work with. Batbeg's All Kind of Messed Up, was the best written piece this week. And Bootaaay's story follows those two, ahead of the rest of the pack, in my top three. That isn't of course to say the others were worse, some are technically better, and others reviewed better.
