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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #124 - "Betrayal"
- Thread starter adj_noun
- Start date
- Status
Chainsawkitten
Member
Correct.
Cameron122
Member
Cameron122
Member
The Chained Lady. A Science Fantasy story. (1896 words)
Quote this post for the password!
EDIT: I double posted because I am a goober -_-
Quote this post for the password!
EDIT: I double posted because I am a goober -_-
Wait a minute... What happened to Tangent?
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Crap, has the time zone caught up with me already?
I'm bowing out, my story is a mess and I don't want to rush an ending.
EDIT: BETRAYAL!
I'm bowing out, my story is a mess and I don't want to rush an ending.
EDIT: BETRAYAL!
The entries
toddhunter -- A mistake
Mike M -- Eyes on the Prize
swecide -- Up, down and how it always is.
Fiction -- Crisis
GRW810 -- Those Last Words Spoken
adj_noun -- Secret Origin
Chainsawkitten -- The City
Cameron122 -- The Chained Lady: A Science Fantasy story.
multivac -- Aurora
irriadin -- The Wanderer
FairyD -- Spotter
Ashes1396 -- attached to nothing
Tangent -- Drinking Beer and Watching TV
Cyan -- Red Light Green Light
toddhunter -- A mistake
Mike M -- Eyes on the Prize
swecide -- Up, down and how it always is.
Fiction -- Crisis
GRW810 -- Those Last Words Spoken
adj_noun -- Secret Origin
Chainsawkitten -- The City
Cameron122 -- The Chained Lady: A Science Fantasy story.
multivac -- Aurora
irriadin -- The Wanderer
FairyD -- Spotter
Ashes1396 -- attached to nothing
Tangent -- Drinking Beer and Watching TV
Cyan -- Red Light Green Light
toddhunter
Member
Been awhile since I read through these. Amazing talent on display as usual.
This time I went:
3 points: Mike M -- Eyes on the Prize
2 points: adj_noun -- Secret Origin
1 point : multivac -- Aurora
This time I went:
3 points: Mike M -- Eyes on the Prize
2 points: adj_noun -- Secret Origin
1 point : multivac -- Aurora
toddhunter
Member
I don't want to say that one story is better than the others. Some stories just happen to get more points.
o.0
edit: I guess there is no real reason to keep the status quo apart from adding up is easier on the eye. Except in the case of a tie where first places count for something.
OMFG, look at all these entries... Better get to work, because critiques for everybody!
toddhunter -- A mistake: I dont think theres anything inherently wrong with taking the In a dark, dark wood jump scare campfire story and expanding it into something a bit more meaningful. While I wouldnt necessarily describe this as a half-measure, I dont think it quite got far enough from its originating concept to escape the gravitational pull. The question of whether or not a forest exists if you cannot actually see it and are paralyzed by your total blindness so that you dont move is an interesting ancillary to the tree falling in a forest question, but so much time was spent belaboring just how totally impenetrable the darkness was that it drove me to distraction because I was sitting here pondering what situations could possibly generate such a scenario.
Mike M -- Eyes on the Prize: I really hate the title of this, but I absolutely could not think of something good for it. This is a concept that Ive had floating around in my mind for years now, but I never really had a narrative to pin on it. Still dont, as it turns out. Everything that would be extrapolated from the premise presented here just hews way too close to The Children of Men (to the point I hung a lantern on it with the reference to P.D. James) for it to ever be worthwhile to develop any further. Also, I kind of got hung up on the secondary objective to the point that it crowded out the primary objective pretty bad, except for two paragraphs that attempt to address the theme, but just felt awkward no matter where I put them. I did get to spend more time revising this than the past several efforts, and despite appearances I really did chop down the purple prose and endless wordiness. Really. I swear.
swecide -- Up, down and how it always is: Im at a loss to figure out what precisely is going on. I gathered that the protagonist used to work at a school cafeteria, but I cant tell if this was a volunteer position he held as a student, or if this is a story about an adult creeping on a teenager, or if theyre both adults who work at a school. A few more details would have helped immensely. Some alteration to the punctuation alone while keeping nearly the exact same wording seems like it would improve the flow in some places. Im pretty sure I also spied the telltale fingerprints of autocorrect at work here too (i.e. a line of dialog would end in a question mark, and the next word outside of the quotation mark would be capitalized), which isnt always correct despite its insistence otherwise. I wouldnt mind reading a revision that rendered the premise with more clarity.
Fiction -- Crisis: If youre going to write a faux news article, Im always amused by peoples attempts to present it in something approximating the format of the real thing : ) Not that I award demerits for not doing so or anything. Next time though, I would reference some news agencys style guide if at all possible. Ive never to my recollection seen a reference to the spring of 45 written in such a way, its almost always 1945 or 45. Small details, but they jump out at me and detract from what you were shooting for. As far as the actual story itself goes, I think you largely succeeded in this, though I would quibble that there was perhaps a bit too much exposition than would be expected in an article written for people who would presumably already be familiar with these facts, and I have difficulties envisioning the creator of a super plague being lauded as a hero for changing her mind about releasing it on the population at large. Solidly constructed though, I think it just needs a few tweaks to get it fully across the finish line.
GRW810 -- Those Last Words Spoken: Im really tripping over the notion of eating the meal before introducing yourself. Like... how would they know they were feeding the right guy if they just dispensed with introductions and went straight to the eating part? Outside of that detail though, very well rounded piece for the most part. The love interest with Emily didnt feel as well integrated as it could have been, but worked well enough. I do think his reason for being there needed a bit more strengthening beyond being there at the request of a former tutor (i.e. if this tutor is so enamoured with documenting what remains of this language, why not go there themselves?). Excellent interpretation of both objectives.
adj_noun -- Secret Origins: Just when I think theres nothing new under the sun that can be done with the superhero genre, something surprises me. The Reunion thing is pretty spot on to what would probably happen if there really was an annual gathering of all the heroes in the world in one place. Is this material thats been touched on before, like the idea of there being super hero clean up crews? I have no idea, its new to me and I like it. I think I would have enjoyed it more if it was just a straight up superhero bit, mixing in stuff about space colonies just felt like two great tastes that dont taste so great together. If youre going to go whole hog on the skin tight outfits with logos on the chest, its almost as though trying to come up with a semi plausible explanation for the existence of superheroes takes away from the overall experience. Capes and tights on our heroes are such a deeply ingrained tropes that they really dont need further explanation by this point. Morts power is amazing, I love it, and wish I had thought of it before you.
Chainsawkitten -- The City: Im a sucker for alternative formats, and you did a fantastic job here. One thing though, I was only able to read this through once? I went through it on my phone, and wanted to make different choices when I got on my laptop, only the link takes me to the final page now. I dont know if thats a glitch or an intentional design choice to maximize the impact of the choices that the reader clicks on by not letting them go back and undo them. Well-written as always, even though in the end it eventually returned to the usual subject. Or, that may have been my fault. Maybe if I had made different choices, it wouldnt have gone down that direction, but Ill never know now, will I? Heh heh. I liked the idea of the only monsters in the apocalypse being dogs, but I was kind of put off by the diptera-swarms. No one calls them that, not even entomologists Ive known. Theyre just swarms of flies, man. No need to put lipstick on that pig.
Cameron122 -- The Chained Lady. A Science Fantasy story: On a conceptual level, I liked it, but found it fairly derivative. It came across as mashup of 40K and various JRPG/mecha anime tropes. But I love giant robots and grimdark... grimdarkness, so I can give it a go. I dont think there was quite enough here to differentiate it enough from its genetic forerunners to elevate it as something other than a mashup, though. And honestly, I had a fairly difficult time following what exactly was happening, in part because youre fitting in a considerable amount of expository information into a limited word count, and in part because I had trouble parsing some of your sentences. In the halls of the Carrier ship, declared by the 32ed duke of Kar'Shev and Nalishay that it would be known as Majesty's Godliness led by the Planet Breaker class ship, The Scalding of Apostates. Are there missing words here, or am I a dunce? Is this supposed to just be stating that the protagonist is currently in the halls of the Majestys Godliness? Ive read, reread, and rereread this sentence, and I cant figure out what its supposed to be telling me about the halls of the ship. This was the most egregious case I found, but in general I think there were an inordinate number of sentences that were trying to encapsulate too many facts and could have been broken down into smaller parts.
multivac -- Aurora: I have a couple hangups about some of the plausibility of things that were done in service of setting up the events. Why would there be a random hard-bound copy of the flight manual anywhere outside of the cockpit? Are you going to fly the ship from the cargo hold? Why on earth would a pilot let him have it? The means by which the protagonist acquired the necessary information and the oblivious cluelessness of the pilot stood out as clunky and inelegant, which is a shame because the premise and plot are good stuff. The ending left a sinking feeling of despair despite the hamfistedness of the road there, delightfully dark and fucked up.
irriadin -- The Wanderer: If you have a giant flashback thats nearly the length of everything that came before it, thats probably a sign that you should just reorder your paragraphs accordingly. Overall there were enough details given about the world at large to infer enough information about how the rules governing things work, which is nice for a self-contained story. The exception to this would be the bits about the Spectra. I kept forging ahead in anticipation that some additional details describing what it was and how it worked would be dropped, but it didnt amount to much. Just... some kind of familiar or something? Also I was kind of bemused at the notion of the title character being The Wanderer, yet had never wandered far enough to have experienced inclement cold weather. Also your formatting went wonky towards the end with double indentations on the paragraphs.
FairyD -- Spotter: Readability would be vastly improved if you indented every paragraph, not only after scene breaks. Lines of dialog interspersed with paragraphs that continue on for multiple lines at a time are not easy for the eye to follow : / The protagonist of this seems like an odd duck with some particularly stupid friends. Who does a drug deal in a public venue where they search bags upon entry? Then agrees to take the meeting to the parking garage where theres no one around? Then he takes a job with the people who killed his friends, a decidedly sociopathic move. Sociopaths can make for interesting characters though, but I question what motivation the double crossers would have for offering him a job in the first place, and why he would take it. These people are clearly not on the up and up, though he does enjoy the benefit of anonymity at the moment. Im actually kind of interested to see how the newfound relationship shakes out.
Ashes1396 -- attached to nothing: And were back to dialog without quotation marks. Jack is stone cold with the proverbial mic drop at the end there, but Karen really had it coming. Id have said she was exceptionally foolish to have documented all her escapades at all, but it makes sense when you consider that she was getting off on the thrill that she might get caught, and writing it all down just increases those odds. I feel like we got a thorough understanding of Kate, inside and out, but not so much Jack. He just seemed impassive and emotionless since he never really had any room to express himself very much. You cant help but feel bad for him regardless.
Tangent -- Drinking Beer and Watching TV: The nameless protagonist will do the right thing, and his wife will forgive him, because it was only because of his lying about drinking alcohol that he was able to save an innocent man from going to jail and was therefore part of Gods grand design all along or something. Anything else would be kind of a hard sell, which sucked the ambiguity out of the ending for me. The wife sounds like an interesting character, I think Id have liked to have gotten to see more of her than just background and remembered admonishments about the evils of drinking.
Cyan -- Red Light Green Light: Maybe a liiiiiiiiitle too much brevity. I gathered that Jansen flipped her shit for undisclosed reasons and killed everyone, presumably by doing something with the air supply. But it made it seem like Robert was pulling air off his own self contained oxygen supply or something, with the mention of the rebreather and obviously the gauge figuring very prominently in the narrative. So how was Jansen monkeying around with his O2 supply?
Some weeks I struggle to come up with ones I like well enough to vote for, some weeks I agonize to winnow down my favorites and rank them. This is definitely a week for the latter.
1.) Chainsawkitten
2.) adj_noun
3.) GRW810
toddhunter -- A mistake: I dont think theres anything inherently wrong with taking the In a dark, dark wood jump scare campfire story and expanding it into something a bit more meaningful. While I wouldnt necessarily describe this as a half-measure, I dont think it quite got far enough from its originating concept to escape the gravitational pull. The question of whether or not a forest exists if you cannot actually see it and are paralyzed by your total blindness so that you dont move is an interesting ancillary to the tree falling in a forest question, but so much time was spent belaboring just how totally impenetrable the darkness was that it drove me to distraction because I was sitting here pondering what situations could possibly generate such a scenario.
Mike M -- Eyes on the Prize: I really hate the title of this, but I absolutely could not think of something good for it. This is a concept that Ive had floating around in my mind for years now, but I never really had a narrative to pin on it. Still dont, as it turns out. Everything that would be extrapolated from the premise presented here just hews way too close to The Children of Men (to the point I hung a lantern on it with the reference to P.D. James) for it to ever be worthwhile to develop any further. Also, I kind of got hung up on the secondary objective to the point that it crowded out the primary objective pretty bad, except for two paragraphs that attempt to address the theme, but just felt awkward no matter where I put them. I did get to spend more time revising this than the past several efforts, and despite appearances I really did chop down the purple prose and endless wordiness. Really. I swear.
swecide -- Up, down and how it always is: Im at a loss to figure out what precisely is going on. I gathered that the protagonist used to work at a school cafeteria, but I cant tell if this was a volunteer position he held as a student, or if this is a story about an adult creeping on a teenager, or if theyre both adults who work at a school. A few more details would have helped immensely. Some alteration to the punctuation alone while keeping nearly the exact same wording seems like it would improve the flow in some places. Im pretty sure I also spied the telltale fingerprints of autocorrect at work here too (i.e. a line of dialog would end in a question mark, and the next word outside of the quotation mark would be capitalized), which isnt always correct despite its insistence otherwise. I wouldnt mind reading a revision that rendered the premise with more clarity.
Fiction -- Crisis: If youre going to write a faux news article, Im always amused by peoples attempts to present it in something approximating the format of the real thing : ) Not that I award demerits for not doing so or anything. Next time though, I would reference some news agencys style guide if at all possible. Ive never to my recollection seen a reference to the spring of 45 written in such a way, its almost always 1945 or 45. Small details, but they jump out at me and detract from what you were shooting for. As far as the actual story itself goes, I think you largely succeeded in this, though I would quibble that there was perhaps a bit too much exposition than would be expected in an article written for people who would presumably already be familiar with these facts, and I have difficulties envisioning the creator of a super plague being lauded as a hero for changing her mind about releasing it on the population at large. Solidly constructed though, I think it just needs a few tweaks to get it fully across the finish line.
GRW810 -- Those Last Words Spoken: Im really tripping over the notion of eating the meal before introducing yourself. Like... how would they know they were feeding the right guy if they just dispensed with introductions and went straight to the eating part? Outside of that detail though, very well rounded piece for the most part. The love interest with Emily didnt feel as well integrated as it could have been, but worked well enough. I do think his reason for being there needed a bit more strengthening beyond being there at the request of a former tutor (i.e. if this tutor is so enamoured with documenting what remains of this language, why not go there themselves?). Excellent interpretation of both objectives.
adj_noun -- Secret Origins: Just when I think theres nothing new under the sun that can be done with the superhero genre, something surprises me. The Reunion thing is pretty spot on to what would probably happen if there really was an annual gathering of all the heroes in the world in one place. Is this material thats been touched on before, like the idea of there being super hero clean up crews? I have no idea, its new to me and I like it. I think I would have enjoyed it more if it was just a straight up superhero bit, mixing in stuff about space colonies just felt like two great tastes that dont taste so great together. If youre going to go whole hog on the skin tight outfits with logos on the chest, its almost as though trying to come up with a semi plausible explanation for the existence of superheroes takes away from the overall experience. Capes and tights on our heroes are such a deeply ingrained tropes that they really dont need further explanation by this point. Morts power is amazing, I love it, and wish I had thought of it before you.
Chainsawkitten -- The City: Im a sucker for alternative formats, and you did a fantastic job here. One thing though, I was only able to read this through once? I went through it on my phone, and wanted to make different choices when I got on my laptop, only the link takes me to the final page now. I dont know if thats a glitch or an intentional design choice to maximize the impact of the choices that the reader clicks on by not letting them go back and undo them. Well-written as always, even though in the end it eventually returned to the usual subject. Or, that may have been my fault. Maybe if I had made different choices, it wouldnt have gone down that direction, but Ill never know now, will I? Heh heh. I liked the idea of the only monsters in the apocalypse being dogs, but I was kind of put off by the diptera-swarms. No one calls them that, not even entomologists Ive known. Theyre just swarms of flies, man. No need to put lipstick on that pig.
Cameron122 -- The Chained Lady. A Science Fantasy story: On a conceptual level, I liked it, but found it fairly derivative. It came across as mashup of 40K and various JRPG/mecha anime tropes. But I love giant robots and grimdark... grimdarkness, so I can give it a go. I dont think there was quite enough here to differentiate it enough from its genetic forerunners to elevate it as something other than a mashup, though. And honestly, I had a fairly difficult time following what exactly was happening, in part because youre fitting in a considerable amount of expository information into a limited word count, and in part because I had trouble parsing some of your sentences. In the halls of the Carrier ship, declared by the 32ed duke of Kar'Shev and Nalishay that it would be known as Majesty's Godliness led by the Planet Breaker class ship, The Scalding of Apostates. Are there missing words here, or am I a dunce? Is this supposed to just be stating that the protagonist is currently in the halls of the Majestys Godliness? Ive read, reread, and rereread this sentence, and I cant figure out what its supposed to be telling me about the halls of the ship. This was the most egregious case I found, but in general I think there were an inordinate number of sentences that were trying to encapsulate too many facts and could have been broken down into smaller parts.
multivac -- Aurora: I have a couple hangups about some of the plausibility of things that were done in service of setting up the events. Why would there be a random hard-bound copy of the flight manual anywhere outside of the cockpit? Are you going to fly the ship from the cargo hold? Why on earth would a pilot let him have it? The means by which the protagonist acquired the necessary information and the oblivious cluelessness of the pilot stood out as clunky and inelegant, which is a shame because the premise and plot are good stuff. The ending left a sinking feeling of despair despite the hamfistedness of the road there, delightfully dark and fucked up.
irriadin -- The Wanderer: If you have a giant flashback thats nearly the length of everything that came before it, thats probably a sign that you should just reorder your paragraphs accordingly. Overall there were enough details given about the world at large to infer enough information about how the rules governing things work, which is nice for a self-contained story. The exception to this would be the bits about the Spectra. I kept forging ahead in anticipation that some additional details describing what it was and how it worked would be dropped, but it didnt amount to much. Just... some kind of familiar or something? Also I was kind of bemused at the notion of the title character being The Wanderer, yet had never wandered far enough to have experienced inclement cold weather. Also your formatting went wonky towards the end with double indentations on the paragraphs.
FairyD -- Spotter: Readability would be vastly improved if you indented every paragraph, not only after scene breaks. Lines of dialog interspersed with paragraphs that continue on for multiple lines at a time are not easy for the eye to follow : / The protagonist of this seems like an odd duck with some particularly stupid friends. Who does a drug deal in a public venue where they search bags upon entry? Then agrees to take the meeting to the parking garage where theres no one around? Then he takes a job with the people who killed his friends, a decidedly sociopathic move. Sociopaths can make for interesting characters though, but I question what motivation the double crossers would have for offering him a job in the first place, and why he would take it. These people are clearly not on the up and up, though he does enjoy the benefit of anonymity at the moment. Im actually kind of interested to see how the newfound relationship shakes out.
Ashes1396 -- attached to nothing: And were back to dialog without quotation marks. Jack is stone cold with the proverbial mic drop at the end there, but Karen really had it coming. Id have said she was exceptionally foolish to have documented all her escapades at all, but it makes sense when you consider that she was getting off on the thrill that she might get caught, and writing it all down just increases those odds. I feel like we got a thorough understanding of Kate, inside and out, but not so much Jack. He just seemed impassive and emotionless since he never really had any room to express himself very much. You cant help but feel bad for him regardless.
Tangent -- Drinking Beer and Watching TV: The nameless protagonist will do the right thing, and his wife will forgive him, because it was only because of his lying about drinking alcohol that he was able to save an innocent man from going to jail and was therefore part of Gods grand design all along or something. Anything else would be kind of a hard sell, which sucked the ambiguity out of the ending for me. The wife sounds like an interesting character, I think Id have liked to have gotten to see more of her than just background and remembered admonishments about the evils of drinking.
Cyan -- Red Light Green Light: Maybe a liiiiiiiiitle too much brevity. I gathered that Jansen flipped her shit for undisclosed reasons and killed everyone, presumably by doing something with the air supply. But it made it seem like Robert was pulling air off his own self contained oxygen supply or something, with the mention of the rebreather and obviously the gauge figuring very prominently in the narrative. So how was Jansen monkeying around with his O2 supply?
Some weeks I struggle to come up with ones I like well enough to vote for, some weeks I agonize to winnow down my favorites and rank them. This is definitely a week for the latter.
1.) Chainsawkitten
2.) adj_noun
3.) GRW810
Thank you for the comments / critique! I appreciate it. In retrospect, I probably should have tried to make my story more self-contained. I had it in my head that I could meet this theme challenge and also work on a larger story in the same process. In the end, my entry for this contest ended up being perhaps confusing and less impactful than it would in a larger novel, with appropriate build-up and exposition. I had some difficulty finding a good rhythm for writing "the Wanderer's" POV. Excellent point on the whole "cold weather" thing >_>
Always.
And apologies in advance peeps, I'm not gonna be able to do crits/comments this time around. Did an intensive short story workshop all weekend, and the part of my brain that analyzes and critiques is beyond fried.
It was hard to narrow this down to three.
1. GRW810—Those Last Words Spoken
2. Matt M -- Eyes On the Prize
3. Multivac – Aurora
First and foremost, thank you to everyone for sharing your work.
A Mistake – ToddHunter -- A Mistake
While I appreciate the “In a dark dark wood” homage I felt like the first few paragraphs belabored the point a bit. I understand the enjoyment of really getting into a descriptive drive, but I think you could condense that and still effectively make your point.
I did find it a bit off-kilter to point out that the house didn’t speak in para 6.
I enjoyed the concept of the kid having a light but being too afraid to turn it on. That’s some powerful mojo and I thought it was your strongest image; not so much the kid in the box itself, but the idea of trying to decide whether or not to turn it on and whether the darkness is preferable to that which lurks therein.
Matt M -- Eyes On the Prize
I dig the slow motion apocalypse vibe. This story is taffy of the psyche; these people have been STRETCHED, far longer and thinner than they’ve ever dreamed, and are destined to go out whimpering regardless of how much they bang.
I’d like to see your narrator have some personal skin in the game, some brief connection or conflict that affects their watch on the (monitors on the) wall. We’re at arm’s length for most of the story, so much so that by the end of it I was aching for some personal contact.
I’d also think about incorporating the disappearing kids into the first line. It’s a great hook.
Good stuff.
swecide -- Up, down and how it always is.
I enjoyed your description of high school cafeteria sounds. Matches pretty well to my memory.
The main thing that stuck out to me was some opportunities to show the reader something without telling them directly. For example,
“Hi” He said, somewhat nervous but hiding it well.
We’re told he’s nervous but hiding it well. Sure, but how is he hiding it? What specifically is he hiding that shows he’s nervous? Think about what reactions you exhibit when you're experiencing whatever the character is experiencing (if you have any direct experience). In this instance you may sweat, your heart rate may rise, your palms may get clammy, and so on. Showing symptoms of an emotion can eliminate the need to state the existence of the emotion; the audience can infer it for themselves.
A little later on you talk about a character’s negative thoughts spiraling downwards. Let us spiral down with them! What are the initial negative thoughts? How do they get worse? What’s the thread of progression, logical or not, that guides them?
Other than that I gathered this is an adult having a relationship with a student (from the fact that it’s been many years since he was in school) but it reads to me more like a high school romance between two students; the fellow has confidence issues up the wazoo but doesn’t seem too worried about problems that may come about from what seems to be a pretty big age difference.
Fiction – Crisis
I’d play the ARG (and hope it wasn’t one of those darn ones where you have to be in Schenectady when the moon is full on an alternate Sunday). It accomplishes what it sets out to do in a fairly convincing fashion; I just found it a bit hard to really sink my teeth into precisely because it emulates a news story, which are by their very nature focused on a listing of the facts. I think I was looking for something more in the line of an editorial; same facts and events being discussed, but with the added slant of an outside observer’s opinion coloring the recounting of the event.
GRW810—Those Last Words Spoken
Beautifully written. Flows like a river, and your take on the goals was great. Fantastic job.
Chainsawkitten – The City
A hyperlinked story for a hyperlinked world. Edward Packard is afraid of you, though more stuff like this in CYOA books would probably increase sales. Very interesting format. I’m at a bit of a loss on how to critique it; the format is such an intrinsic part of the story that it almost overshadows the text for me.
Cameron122 -- The Chained Lady
Got a strong Warhammer 40K vibe which is fine; just know that anyone familiar with that particular property is probably going to have that in mind once big ol’ ships with Apostate in their name come calling. That aside, it’s dripping with atmosphere.
Some parts threw me for a loop. For example:
"His face was hard and hairless Facial tattoos declaring he worked in the deep mines of Kar'Shev's largest of three moons."
I get the intent, but the execution's a bit muddled.
You have plenty of ambition here ; I just think the piece could use some more time in the oven before it’s ready for prime time
Multivac – Aurora
What a final image. I wanted to zap the cage, though; it’s even better for me to think of ‘em skydiving through the breeze. I’m awful but I find this whole thing simultaneously tragic and unimaginably funny. I want to be a fly on the wall when the insurance company finds out about this.
Well done.
Irriadin –The Wanderer
A library that not only allows open flame light sources near the books but also offers food and drink to visitors is a library that’s kinda asking for it. That said, a nice tone that recalled Gandalf looking for info. I also loved using the bookshelf as a weapon against the masked stranger then running away. I bet they’re regretting feeding this guy now.
Your villain’s dialogue at the end is a touch mustache twirling. The line with the ellipses wouldn’t seem that out of place being whispered to a tied up Mister Bond. Nothing necessarily wrong with a bit of melodrama, mind, it just jarred me a tad.
FairyD – Spotter
I had a hard time with the blocks of text. My eyes tend to blur if they don’t have white space to rely on.
I’m not sure if we’re supposed to have a lot of respect for the crooks – even your protagonist essentially calls ‘em dopes before they’re off to meet their maker and doesn’t seem too torn up to learn they’re gone. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be shocked, bemused or simply indifferent to their demise; given the protagonist’s quick acceptance of a job from the Polish accented lady, I suppose his is the latter.
Ashes1396 – attached to nothing
Jack is going to end up on Maury Povich. I kinda got the impression that the New York Yankees could be marching through Karen’s bedroom and the poor sod would have still been clueless. I’m glad he was able to salvage some dignity at the end there, but I have a sneaking suspicion the next diary he reads is going to be twice as long as full of all the same stuff. I don't know if I find him sympathetic or a cautionary tale.
Tangent – Drinking Beer and Watching TV
Nice opening. I imagine a crashing of windows and a Lurch-look alike leaning out of some alcove to groan “muuuuuuuurderrrrrr” for that.
I don’t know if the stakes are really high enough to be hand wringing at the end like that. I mean, the dude’s life is on the line here. If the wife leaves him…I mean, I understand the religion angle, but it’s kinda getting into “maybe she wasn’t someone you really wanted to be with” territory.
You do point out that this is coming from a position of cowardice, and on the one hand it’s good because it shows self-awareness, but on the other hand it drains the conflict of some of its intensity. He knows what he SHOULD do, he’s just afraid to do it. I don’t buy that his desire to placate his wife is so all-encompassing that he’ll let his bud go down. If his desire to please his wife came from a place of some sincerity rather than cringing fear I’d be more stressed out for Emmanuel’s fate.
Cyan – Red Light Green Light
I like the name Poplin. Reminds me of Popples for some damn reason, but that’s because I’m strange like that.
Jensen’s a cool villain if a bit high strung, a kind of cross between Glados and HK-47 in presentation and style. Reminded me of Arkham Asylum with the Joker always piping in to taunt Bats. At the end I half expected the Crypt Keeper to pop out and make some terrible pun.
I thought it worked rather well as a short race against the clock bit.
1. GRW810—Those Last Words Spoken
2. Matt M -- Eyes On the Prize
3. Multivac – Aurora
First and foremost, thank you to everyone for sharing your work.
A Mistake – ToddHunter -- A Mistake
While I appreciate the “In a dark dark wood” homage I felt like the first few paragraphs belabored the point a bit. I understand the enjoyment of really getting into a descriptive drive, but I think you could condense that and still effectively make your point.
I did find it a bit off-kilter to point out that the house didn’t speak in para 6.
I enjoyed the concept of the kid having a light but being too afraid to turn it on. That’s some powerful mojo and I thought it was your strongest image; not so much the kid in the box itself, but the idea of trying to decide whether or not to turn it on and whether the darkness is preferable to that which lurks therein.
Matt M -- Eyes On the Prize
I dig the slow motion apocalypse vibe. This story is taffy of the psyche; these people have been STRETCHED, far longer and thinner than they’ve ever dreamed, and are destined to go out whimpering regardless of how much they bang.
I’d like to see your narrator have some personal skin in the game, some brief connection or conflict that affects their watch on the (monitors on the) wall. We’re at arm’s length for most of the story, so much so that by the end of it I was aching for some personal contact.
I’d also think about incorporating the disappearing kids into the first line. It’s a great hook.
Good stuff.
swecide -- Up, down and how it always is.
I enjoyed your description of high school cafeteria sounds. Matches pretty well to my memory.
The main thing that stuck out to me was some opportunities to show the reader something without telling them directly. For example,
“Hi” He said, somewhat nervous but hiding it well.
We’re told he’s nervous but hiding it well. Sure, but how is he hiding it? What specifically is he hiding that shows he’s nervous? Think about what reactions you exhibit when you're experiencing whatever the character is experiencing (if you have any direct experience). In this instance you may sweat, your heart rate may rise, your palms may get clammy, and so on. Showing symptoms of an emotion can eliminate the need to state the existence of the emotion; the audience can infer it for themselves.
A little later on you talk about a character’s negative thoughts spiraling downwards. Let us spiral down with them! What are the initial negative thoughts? How do they get worse? What’s the thread of progression, logical or not, that guides them?
Other than that I gathered this is an adult having a relationship with a student (from the fact that it’s been many years since he was in school) but it reads to me more like a high school romance between two students; the fellow has confidence issues up the wazoo but doesn’t seem too worried about problems that may come about from what seems to be a pretty big age difference.
Fiction – Crisis
I’d play the ARG (and hope it wasn’t one of those darn ones where you have to be in Schenectady when the moon is full on an alternate Sunday). It accomplishes what it sets out to do in a fairly convincing fashion; I just found it a bit hard to really sink my teeth into precisely because it emulates a news story, which are by their very nature focused on a listing of the facts. I think I was looking for something more in the line of an editorial; same facts and events being discussed, but with the added slant of an outside observer’s opinion coloring the recounting of the event.
GRW810—Those Last Words Spoken
Beautifully written. Flows like a river, and your take on the goals was great. Fantastic job.
Chainsawkitten – The City
A hyperlinked story for a hyperlinked world. Edward Packard is afraid of you, though more stuff like this in CYOA books would probably increase sales. Very interesting format. I’m at a bit of a loss on how to critique it; the format is such an intrinsic part of the story that it almost overshadows the text for me.
Cameron122 -- The Chained Lady
Got a strong Warhammer 40K vibe which is fine; just know that anyone familiar with that particular property is probably going to have that in mind once big ol’ ships with Apostate in their name come calling. That aside, it’s dripping with atmosphere.
Some parts threw me for a loop. For example:
"His face was hard and hairless Facial tattoos declaring he worked in the deep mines of Kar'Shev's largest of three moons."
I get the intent, but the execution's a bit muddled.
You have plenty of ambition here ; I just think the piece could use some more time in the oven before it’s ready for prime time
Multivac – Aurora
What a final image. I wanted to zap the cage, though; it’s even better for me to think of ‘em skydiving through the breeze. I’m awful but I find this whole thing simultaneously tragic and unimaginably funny. I want to be a fly on the wall when the insurance company finds out about this.
Well done.
Irriadin –The Wanderer
A library that not only allows open flame light sources near the books but also offers food and drink to visitors is a library that’s kinda asking for it. That said, a nice tone that recalled Gandalf looking for info. I also loved using the bookshelf as a weapon against the masked stranger then running away. I bet they’re regretting feeding this guy now.
Your villain’s dialogue at the end is a touch mustache twirling. The line with the ellipses wouldn’t seem that out of place being whispered to a tied up Mister Bond. Nothing necessarily wrong with a bit of melodrama, mind, it just jarred me a tad.
FairyD – Spotter
I had a hard time with the blocks of text. My eyes tend to blur if they don’t have white space to rely on.
I’m not sure if we’re supposed to have a lot of respect for the crooks – even your protagonist essentially calls ‘em dopes before they’re off to meet their maker and doesn’t seem too torn up to learn they’re gone. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be shocked, bemused or simply indifferent to their demise; given the protagonist’s quick acceptance of a job from the Polish accented lady, I suppose his is the latter.
Ashes1396 – attached to nothing
Jack is going to end up on Maury Povich. I kinda got the impression that the New York Yankees could be marching through Karen’s bedroom and the poor sod would have still been clueless. I’m glad he was able to salvage some dignity at the end there, but I have a sneaking suspicion the next diary he reads is going to be twice as long as full of all the same stuff. I don't know if I find him sympathetic or a cautionary tale.
Tangent – Drinking Beer and Watching TV
Nice opening. I imagine a crashing of windows and a Lurch-look alike leaning out of some alcove to groan “muuuuuuuurderrrrrr” for that.
I don’t know if the stakes are really high enough to be hand wringing at the end like that. I mean, the dude’s life is on the line here. If the wife leaves him…I mean, I understand the religion angle, but it’s kinda getting into “maybe she wasn’t someone you really wanted to be with” territory.
You do point out that this is coming from a position of cowardice, and on the one hand it’s good because it shows self-awareness, but on the other hand it drains the conflict of some of its intensity. He knows what he SHOULD do, he’s just afraid to do it. I don’t buy that his desire to placate his wife is so all-encompassing that he’ll let his bud go down. If his desire to please his wife came from a place of some sincerity rather than cringing fear I’d be more stressed out for Emmanuel’s fate.
Cyan – Red Light Green Light
I like the name Poplin. Reminds me of Popples for some damn reason, but that’s because I’m strange like that.
Jensen’s a cool villain if a bit high strung, a kind of cross between Glados and HK-47 in presentation and style. Reminded me of Arkham Asylum with the Joker always piping in to taunt Bats. At the end I half expected the Crypt Keeper to pop out and make some terrible pun.
I thought it worked rather well as a short race against the clock bit.
Cameron122
Member
Thank you for the critiques, guys! It was nice to not just get a pat on the head lol.
I'll have my critiques ready by tomorrow. I'm taking two summer courses so It's a bit crazy over here.
I'll have my critiques ready by tomorrow. I'm taking two summer courses so It's a bit crazy over here.
Plus I'm hesitant and have never done this sort of thing before.
User 100115
Banned
I am at least going to vote tonight before the deadline, and hopefully I'll have feedback up as well, if not tonight then tomorrow.
I think it really, really suffered for having been a last minute thing I pulled out of my ass (I thought the deadline was noon on the 12th instead of midnight, I am dumb). I actually deliberately made it not match a news agencies style to give it more of an alien feel, but in retrospect it was poorly done. As for the bolded, you were supposed to! What I failed at was making the whole article read as propaganda itself; I was trying to go for the reader doubting what they were reading and it making them a bit creeped out. I failed Thank you so much for the feedback!
Thank you for the feedback! Yeah, I try to make any ARG I am part of very accommodating for folks who can't travel
I guess no one found my little mini fake trailhead?
I think it really, really suffered for having been a last minute thing I pulled out of my ass
(I thought the deadline was noon on the 12th instead of midnight, I am dumb). I actually deliberately made it not match a news agencies style to give it more of an alien feel, but in retrospect it was poorly done. As for the bolded, you were supposed to! What I failed at was making the whole article read as propaganda itself; I was trying to go for the reader doubting what they were reading and it making them a bit creeped out. I failed Thank you so much for the feedback!Thank you for the feedback! Yeah, I try to make any ARG I am part of very accommodating for folks who can't travel
I guess no one found my little mini fake trailhead?
Alright, finally done! Took me hours!
This was another banner week, and everyone deserves praise for such great stories. Once again, I had a hard time making only three votes.
Critiques! And just ignore me if I'm completely wrong about something
toddhunter -- A mistake
Strong opening, I was interested to know where exactly I was, and why. As it went on, though, the setting and circumstances only became more ambiguous. I'm sure this is what you were aiming for, but the first paragraph posed such a wonderful dilemma, and I personally wanted it to be solved, so this critique is based purely on my own expectations. The ending set me thinking, which I always think is good. Your imagery was very nice, especially this line: "You might know this from the door, or the lack of a cruel and bitter wind swirling around at your ankles." A fantastic mental picture. Overall, loved the story!
Mike M -- Eyes on the Prize
As I read, my mind was firmly on Children of Men, and I liked how you tied the similarity into the text as a humble confession. That would be my only real problem with this one, its similarities with a fairly well-known novel and movie. There is enough here to set it apart, though, and it reads very well. You have indeed toned down your overactive vocabulary this time! This style suggests intellect instead of showmanship, and I believe your writing is much better for it. Overall, I stayed interested throughout the piece, loved it!
swecide -- Up, down and how it always is.
My first thoughts on improvement are the enormous paragraphs and missing punctuation. It killed me everytime there wasn't a comma at the end of dialogue before the final quotation mark, I couldn't help it! As far as story, I was unsure of the relationship between the protagonist and the girl. I was sure it would be explained, but it never seemed to be. I assume she was another teacher? Which also begs the question, if the protagonist was no longer working at the school, why did he have keys to the school? The cafeteria scene gave me the impression it was an elementary school, with the high pitched voices and a teacher hushing the students, so I hope the protagonist isn't hitting on six year-olds! However, I liked a lot of the characterization of the protagonist, especially the bit about how his negative thoughts and worrying would drive him to the sofa and into sleep. I gathered a nice understanding of his mental state from that. Also, I loved this line: "Brushing away hair from her face before putting his hand on her cheek, he could feel how she slightly pressed against it." Very intimate and evocative, even if such an action clashed with the next line where he tells her she's already involved (I felt more along the lines of "What about your boyfriend?" since they were obviously past the point of mere friendliness, and he didn't want it to stop anyway). I was interested until the end to find out the result of their relationship, and I look forward to your entries in the future!
Fiction -- Crisis
My biggest problem with this was that a woman who created a species destroying virus would be called a hero just because she changed her mind. It immediately struck me as strange when I read it. I liked the back-story on Laya, and I do believe in her indoctrination and feel that you presented it well. In fact, that seems to sum up my feelings about the piece in general, well presented, well written. Loved your story and hope to see more in the coming challenges!
GRW810 -- Those Last Words Spoken
This one is going to be mostly praise. Loved the premise, loved the characters, loved the love story subplot (imagine a good subplot in under 2000 words!), loved the nice, flowing prose, loved the ending. I struggle to find any useful critique. Perhaps Joseph's wandering ways could use a bit more exposition? Obviously, though, not much room left on the word count. The most poignant combination of the theme and secondary objective as well.
adj_noun -- Secret Origin
A unique story and plot to be sure. I expected a great story from you after the last challenge (my #1 vote) and you delivered. I would have liked a little more explanation of how the Titan planetoid was found, and how it operates, but you were obviously up against the word count. Not much I can recommend for improvement on this one, absolutely loved it!
Chainsawkitten -- The City
Loved the interesting prose as usual, so I kept clicking the links to the effect of "keep going," which resulted in me feeling really creepy and fucked up from "my" actions! So, well done on the effect. I'm not sure how to really critique this further, except to say I wish it wasn't IP logged (or however you're doing it), since I like to read each piece straight through, then go back to each one and critique, which I couldn't do with yours, obviously. But, really enjoyed it as always!
Cameron122 -- The Chained Lady: A Science Fantasy story.
My biggest problem with this is that there is an absolutely massive amount of exposition that just completely overwhelmed me. It seems more like a middle chapter of a book than a short story; there were just too many names, relationships, and terms to try to remember for a short piece. That said, you obviously have a knack for big (really big) ideas, and I envy that. It would take me forever to plan something this intricate. There were also many parts where you let compound and complex sentences run free, and I thought they would be much stronger and simpler as separate thoughts. As for the theme, I loved the red herring where you mention the protagonist feeling like a traitor, but it turns out HE'S the one about to be betrayed. I was just expecting someone to betray someone near the end since that was the theme, but you capitalized on that expectation. You said this is your first time in a challenge, and I look forward to reading your work in future challenges!
irriadin -- The Wanderer
I was a little put back by the protagonist's motivation in finding the book being saving the world. It felt a little heavy-handed for a short story, especially one where that danger never plays into the rest of the story. I suppose I just thought it was an easy way out of coming up with a more interesting reason for his journey, a more personal reason perhaps. The very large flashback (why was it in italics?) seemed to occur entirely within the timeline of the short story, so I wonder why you didn't just slot it in chronologically. I also never understood exactly what a Spectra was. Now, I found the masked stranger an interesting character and I enjoyed his portrayal. Your piece reads easily, which I always consider a strength, and the narrative had a certain brevity that I respect. I believe this is your first time? I look forward to reading your stories in future challenges!
FairyD -- Spotter
My first thought was how did they get an unchecked backpack into a baseball stadium. In Boston, no less, if this is set in Fenway. I felt that the dialogue from the co-workers was a tad generic in some places, notably the line about "have fun with your camera, I'm going back over here" (paraphrasing, obviously!). I also felt that the protagonist agreeing to work for murderers was a little out of place, without much to justify it in the rest of the story except maybe he's a little antisocial. I'm a sucker for lines that elucidate everyday actions that we don't give much thought to in a simple way, and so I loved this line: "You quickly scan the faces of everyone until they all meld together, until an ah ha moment and you spot them!" I did love the baseball stadium setting, and think it made for a strong way to bring everything together, aside from the implausibility of the drug-filled backpack. Enjoyed the story, you should enter more!
Ashes1396 -- attached to nothing
Pretty much a heartbreaking story. I felt that the character of Karen was very well realized and written. Jack, however, was a bit of a blank slate. He was the viewpoint character, but it seemed the only real explanation of him we got was from Karen's diary, and even she didn't seem to know who he was. And, since I picked on someone else for not having commas before their dialogue tags, I have to pick on you for not having quotation marks at all. I felt like I fell into a Cormac McCarthy novel! You seem to have a knack for writing complex romantic relationships judging by this entry, and past entries. Overall, a fantastic plot, and I loved the story!
Tangent -- Drinking Beer and Watching TV
Loved the opening paragraph, hooked me right away. Ariana is a fascinating character, and steals the focus of the whole story. Emmanuel seems like a nice guy, but I forgot all about him until the end, and then wondered how he would factor in with such a short time left in the story after Ariana's part. I would have liked more explanation about the murder that is the catalyst for the entire story, though. Anything to explain what led the cops so strongly to him besides he looked like a guy seen by witnesses, and if it was so damning, why hadn't he been taken in yet, or had they already taken him in for questioning? Your dialogue is excellent as usual. I always enjoy reading your stories, and this is a step in different direction from those I've read from you, and I enjoyed it!
Cyan -- Red Light Green Light
Loved the mention of the monthly meetings, it really drove home the isolation and size of the mining operation through one piece of imagery. I found myself wondering where Jensen might have been, though, and where everyone else was, and how Robert found out. I became preoccupied trying to figure out everyone's location so I could get a sense of the urgency in Robert's escape, but I never really could. The prose is excellent as usual, and the character of Jensen was sufficiently psychotic. I look forward to reading your entries every challenge!
Votes!
1. GRW810 -- Those Last Words Spoken
2. adj_noun -- Secret Origin
3. Mike M -- Eyes on the Prize
This was another banner week, and everyone deserves praise for such great stories. Once again, I had a hard time making only three votes.
Critiques! And just ignore me if I'm completely wrong about something
toddhunter -- A mistake
Strong opening, I was interested to know where exactly I was, and why. As it went on, though, the setting and circumstances only became more ambiguous. I'm sure this is what you were aiming for, but the first paragraph posed such a wonderful dilemma, and I personally wanted it to be solved, so this critique is based purely on my own expectations. The ending set me thinking, which I always think is good. Your imagery was very nice, especially this line: "You might know this from the door, or the lack of a cruel and bitter wind swirling around at your ankles." A fantastic mental picture. Overall, loved the story!
Mike M -- Eyes on the Prize
As I read, my mind was firmly on Children of Men, and I liked how you tied the similarity into the text as a humble confession. That would be my only real problem with this one, its similarities with a fairly well-known novel and movie. There is enough here to set it apart, though, and it reads very well. You have indeed toned down your overactive vocabulary this time! This style suggests intellect instead of showmanship, and I believe your writing is much better for it. Overall, I stayed interested throughout the piece, loved it!
swecide -- Up, down and how it always is.
My first thoughts on improvement are the enormous paragraphs and missing punctuation. It killed me everytime there wasn't a comma at the end of dialogue before the final quotation mark, I couldn't help it! As far as story, I was unsure of the relationship between the protagonist and the girl. I was sure it would be explained, but it never seemed to be. I assume she was another teacher? Which also begs the question, if the protagonist was no longer working at the school, why did he have keys to the school? The cafeteria scene gave me the impression it was an elementary school, with the high pitched voices and a teacher hushing the students, so I hope the protagonist isn't hitting on six year-olds! However, I liked a lot of the characterization of the protagonist, especially the bit about how his negative thoughts and worrying would drive him to the sofa and into sleep. I gathered a nice understanding of his mental state from that. Also, I loved this line: "Brushing away hair from her face before putting his hand on her cheek, he could feel how she slightly pressed against it." Very intimate and evocative, even if such an action clashed with the next line where he tells her she's already involved (I felt more along the lines of "What about your boyfriend?" since they were obviously past the point of mere friendliness, and he didn't want it to stop anyway). I was interested until the end to find out the result of their relationship, and I look forward to your entries in the future!
Fiction -- Crisis
My biggest problem with this was that a woman who created a species destroying virus would be called a hero just because she changed her mind. It immediately struck me as strange when I read it. I liked the back-story on Laya, and I do believe in her indoctrination and feel that you presented it well. In fact, that seems to sum up my feelings about the piece in general, well presented, well written. Loved your story and hope to see more in the coming challenges!
GRW810 -- Those Last Words Spoken
This one is going to be mostly praise. Loved the premise, loved the characters, loved the love story subplot (imagine a good subplot in under 2000 words!), loved the nice, flowing prose, loved the ending. I struggle to find any useful critique. Perhaps Joseph's wandering ways could use a bit more exposition? Obviously, though, not much room left on the word count. The most poignant combination of the theme and secondary objective as well.
adj_noun -- Secret Origin
A unique story and plot to be sure. I expected a great story from you after the last challenge (my #1 vote) and you delivered. I would have liked a little more explanation of how the Titan planetoid was found, and how it operates, but you were obviously up against the word count. Not much I can recommend for improvement on this one, absolutely loved it!
Chainsawkitten -- The City
Loved the interesting prose as usual, so I kept clicking the links to the effect of "keep going," which resulted in me feeling really creepy and fucked up from "my" actions! So, well done on the effect. I'm not sure how to really critique this further, except to say I wish it wasn't IP logged (or however you're doing it), since I like to read each piece straight through, then go back to each one and critique, which I couldn't do with yours, obviously. But, really enjoyed it as always!
Cameron122 -- The Chained Lady: A Science Fantasy story.
My biggest problem with this is that there is an absolutely massive amount of exposition that just completely overwhelmed me. It seems more like a middle chapter of a book than a short story; there were just too many names, relationships, and terms to try to remember for a short piece. That said, you obviously have a knack for big (really big) ideas, and I envy that. It would take me forever to plan something this intricate. There were also many parts where you let compound and complex sentences run free, and I thought they would be much stronger and simpler as separate thoughts. As for the theme, I loved the red herring where you mention the protagonist feeling like a traitor, but it turns out HE'S the one about to be betrayed. I was just expecting someone to betray someone near the end since that was the theme, but you capitalized on that expectation. You said this is your first time in a challenge, and I look forward to reading your work in future challenges!
irriadin -- The Wanderer
I was a little put back by the protagonist's motivation in finding the book being saving the world. It felt a little heavy-handed for a short story, especially one where that danger never plays into the rest of the story. I suppose I just thought it was an easy way out of coming up with a more interesting reason for his journey, a more personal reason perhaps. The very large flashback (why was it in italics?) seemed to occur entirely within the timeline of the short story, so I wonder why you didn't just slot it in chronologically. I also never understood exactly what a Spectra was. Now, I found the masked stranger an interesting character and I enjoyed his portrayal. Your piece reads easily, which I always consider a strength, and the narrative had a certain brevity that I respect. I believe this is your first time? I look forward to reading your stories in future challenges!
FairyD -- Spotter
My first thought was how did they get an unchecked backpack into a baseball stadium. In Boston, no less, if this is set in Fenway. I felt that the dialogue from the co-workers was a tad generic in some places, notably the line about "have fun with your camera, I'm going back over here" (paraphrasing, obviously!). I also felt that the protagonist agreeing to work for murderers was a little out of place, without much to justify it in the rest of the story except maybe he's a little antisocial. I'm a sucker for lines that elucidate everyday actions that we don't give much thought to in a simple way, and so I loved this line: "You quickly scan the faces of everyone until they all meld together, until an ah ha moment and you spot them!" I did love the baseball stadium setting, and think it made for a strong way to bring everything together, aside from the implausibility of the drug-filled backpack. Enjoyed the story, you should enter more!
Ashes1396 -- attached to nothing
Pretty much a heartbreaking story. I felt that the character of Karen was very well realized and written. Jack, however, was a bit of a blank slate. He was the viewpoint character, but it seemed the only real explanation of him we got was from Karen's diary, and even she didn't seem to know who he was. And, since I picked on someone else for not having commas before their dialogue tags, I have to pick on you for not having quotation marks at all. I felt like I fell into a Cormac McCarthy novel! You seem to have a knack for writing complex romantic relationships judging by this entry, and past entries. Overall, a fantastic plot, and I loved the story!
Tangent -- Drinking Beer and Watching TV
Loved the opening paragraph, hooked me right away. Ariana is a fascinating character, and steals the focus of the whole story. Emmanuel seems like a nice guy, but I forgot all about him until the end, and then wondered how he would factor in with such a short time left in the story after Ariana's part. I would have liked more explanation about the murder that is the catalyst for the entire story, though. Anything to explain what led the cops so strongly to him besides he looked like a guy seen by witnesses, and if it was so damning, why hadn't he been taken in yet, or had they already taken him in for questioning? Your dialogue is excellent as usual. I always enjoy reading your stories, and this is a step in different direction from those I've read from you, and I enjoyed it!
Cyan -- Red Light Green Light
Loved the mention of the monthly meetings, it really drove home the isolation and size of the mining operation through one piece of imagery. I found myself wondering where Jensen might have been, though, and where everyone else was, and how Robert found out. I became preoccupied trying to figure out everyone's location so I could get a sense of the urgency in Robert's escape, but I never really could. The prose is excellent as usual, and the character of Jensen was sufficiently psychotic. I look forward to reading your entries every challenge!
Votes!
1. GRW810 -- Those Last Words Spoken
2. adj_noun -- Secret Origin
3. Mike M -- Eyes on the Prize
Yes, you did.
That was really cool!I guess I can forgive her, she did save the world.
If only I hadn't given you maximum points myself...!
Votes:
1. GRW810 -- Those Last Words Spoken
2. Chainsawkitten -- The City
3. Mike M -- Eyes on the Prize
HM: oh man, so many of these were so fun, I'm having trouble singling any out. Loving all the new names in here. I hope all you folks come back for more!
P.S. Ashes, my man, my buddy. Yours had me aaaaall the way until that last line. Which broke it for me, I don't know why.
1. GRW810 -- Those Last Words Spoken
2. Chainsawkitten -- The City
3. Mike M -- Eyes on the Prize
HM: oh man, so many of these were so fun, I'm having trouble singling any out. Loving all the new names in here. I hope all you folks come back for more!
P.S. Ashes, my man, my buddy. Yours had me aaaaall the way until that last line. Which broke it for me, I don't know why.
User 100115
Banned
ARGH I was almost done with my feedback and I accidentally closed the window.
I'll just vote and redo my feedback in the morning. Grr.
1. Mike
2. GRW810
3. Chainsawkitten
I'll just vote and redo my feedback in the morning. Grr.
1. Mike
2. GRW810
3. Chainsawkitten
Cameron122
Member
1. Mike
2. Chainsawkitten
3. GRW810
2. Chainsawkitten
3. GRW810
Nooooo, that is the worst!
That's exactly why I do everything in Notepad rather than directly in a GAF reply. Now.
Tangent emailed me. Having a lot of connection problems, and wound up with not enough time to finish all the stories, so no votes this time.
Also:
Tangent said:
Hey all, I'm so sorry to say that I don't think I'll be able to read all the stories which means no votes or crits from me.
I enjoyed the ones I read, though, but I'm traveling and the internet connection really stinks. Plus, it's my last night here in Kauai and so I'd be a buzz kill if I spent my last few moments at a terminal. All this is to say: sorry!
Thank you sincerely for the great crits. Adj_noun, really good point about the MC and coming from a place of sincerity vs. cowardliness. I will be more on top of it when I'm back in my old stomping grounds. For now, in Kauai, it feels like time has ceased to exist and everyone is Type B...or C or D.
I enjoyed the ones I read, though, but I'm traveling and the internet connection really stinks. Plus, it's my last night here in Kauai and so I'd be a buzz kill if I spent my last few moments at a terminal. All this is to say: sorry!
Thank you sincerely for the great crits. Adj_noun, really good point about the MC and coming from a place of sincerity vs. cowardliness. I will be more on top of it when I'm back in my old stomping grounds. For now, in Kauai, it feels like time has ceased to exist and everyone is Type B...or C or D.
Oh, there you are! Haha. Only just saw your email and posted for you.
I'll have to tell you about the workshop when you get back.
toddhunter
Member
Just as a note:
This was my attempt at the "extinction" objective by taking a lot of time at the start and then dropping that completely into the stranger more ambiguous stuff.
This is actually a big failing of mine as a writer. I'm too tempted to try to work in "ideas" that take away from the work as a whole. Probably not a problem if I were much more skilled...but I persist.
I'll try to write something properly for the next competition...maybe.
I really appreciate the feedback. People have already covered the stories a lot above, so just as some additional notes in return (sorry for how confusing they probably are):
Mike M: Obviously I enjoyed the story a lot given my first placing. I hope you take this the right way, and I've missed your last half dozen entries for context, but the only thing I'll say is that perhaps it is very "commercial". That is to say everything is extremely well put together and works nicely, but effects like the narration additions could go either way as a positive depending on the reader's mood. Not saying it wasn't great, just that I'm not sure it necessarily needs those type of touches. You could perhaps let it stand up by itself, or take it further in the complete opposite direction.
I'm not sure that makes sense.
adj_noun: To contrast with Mike M's feedback and perhaps to confuse the issue, the exploration of the mundane issues really appealed to me and made the story. I enjoy investigations of things taken for granted, so keep it up Other then that, the idea itself really carried it through and I'd like to read more of it at some stage.
multivac: I think the ending here was the star for me. To be honest the events leading up to it seemed a bit muddled and I was having trouble getting into it. But you managed to bring it all together so nicely and even changed my perception of the whole work. Something like that always appeals to me as I'm very much a destination person who is not always worried about the journey.
This was my attempt at the "extinction" objective by taking a lot of time at the start and then dropping that completely into the stranger more ambiguous stuff.
This is actually a big failing of mine as a writer. I'm too tempted to try to work in "ideas" that take away from the work as a whole. Probably not a problem if I were much more skilled...but I persist.
I'll try to write something properly for the next competition...maybe.
I really appreciate the feedback. People have already covered the stories a lot above, so just as some additional notes in return (sorry for how confusing they probably are):
Mike M: Obviously I enjoyed the story a lot given my first placing. I hope you take this the right way, and I've missed your last half dozen entries for context, but the only thing I'll say is that perhaps it is very "commercial". That is to say everything is extremely well put together and works nicely, but effects like the narration additions could go either way as a positive depending on the reader's mood. Not saying it wasn't great, just that I'm not sure it necessarily needs those type of touches. You could perhaps let it stand up by itself, or take it further in the complete opposite direction.
I'm not sure that makes sense.
adj_noun: To contrast with Mike M's feedback and perhaps to confuse the issue, the exploration of the mundane issues really appealed to me and made the story. I enjoy investigations of things taken for granted, so keep it up
Other then that, the idea itself really carried it through and I'd like to read more of it at some stage.multivac: I think the ending here was the star for me. To be honest the events leading up to it seemed a bit muddled and I was having trouble getting into it. But you managed to bring it all together so nicely and even changed my perception of the whole work. Something like that always appeals to me as I'm very much a destination person who is not always worried about the journey.
Chainsawkitten
Member
Currently writing some comments on the stories (would hesitate to call it critique) but don't think I'll be voting. You're all making it too goddamn difficult.
Come on now, you can't leave us hanging like that! Not voting would be like... baking a cake and not eating it.
Or something. I dunno.
Chainsawkitten
Member
Impressions
Aurora
The similes were quite funny. I liked them. But in a way he seemed to be handed everything he wanted on a silver plate with a little too little effort (until the end), though. Granted, that might be difficult to fix given the length.
Eyes on the Prize
An interesting take on the extinction event. Reminds me of a Spike and Suzy cartoon in which children are kidnapped by magic balloons (and also Children of Men, of course).
A Mistake
I like the concept but I'm not a big fan of your prose style. It hammers the point down a bit too much, which on one hand could be an interesting style, but I don't think the potential in that regard was used fully.
Drinking Beer and Watching TV
It seems like it veered off a bit too long into the discussion of religion. In the end, I understood why, but I don't think it was really necessary to explain that much. Now I think the story is a bit split in two. On the other hand, it was probably more interesting than the murder-story, so...
The "half-Swede half-Black" line bothered me a bit. Why wouldn't he know the actual ethnicity of his wife?
Up, down and how it always is
Well-written with a few hangups (the punctuation as multivac noted). You could also do with a bit more showing and a bit less telling (it wasn't really bothering me much but I think it could elevate the story even further).
Red Light, Green Light
For some reason, toward the end of the story I was thinking Jensen was a computer à la HAL in 2001, even though it says in the beginning "If he could get there before Jensen." and a computer wouldn't really have to get there, would it?
It kept the suspense all the way through but the air-levels declined a bit too suddenly and at once to really give them much impact for me.
The Wanderer
Really not a fan of the font.I was confused as to the use of italics in some passages. I thought it was internal thinking and text read but then suddenly it wasn't? My fault. That was a flashback.
Nice world-building. Even though I didn't really get to know much of the world, it seemed like there was a lot more to it. In other words, it seemed like it existed outside of this story as well, which is nice.
More coming later.
Post-mortem and responses
So the main idéa I had was a betrayal against one's principles or own desires and a story in which the reader betrays the main character. So I wanted the reader to kinda feel bad for their actions and wondering (but never getting to know) what the alternatives where. The only way to do this that I could see was through interactive fiction. The main challenge was to make each choice seem bad and make you wish you'd taken the other one in retrospect, whilst still making each choice clear enough so you don't feel like the story cheated you and set you up with a choice you didn't have a clue about what it meant.
In the end I think I failed at that. The "more depraved" route came a bit out of nowhere. I wanted to have a link that was simply the word pussy but couldn't make it fit without the alternative seeming like the obviously right path and then I couldn't make the reader feel bad about choosing that. I still feel like both of those routes may feel a bit unfair.
This also means I couldn't let the reader go back and make different choices since the manipulatory nature would be revealed and it would lose its impact. (Main reason I decided from the start to only play through The Walking Dead once (or alternatively remember all my choices and make the same ones on a second playthrough) and also never watch any Let's Play:s.)
Aurora
The similes were quite funny. I liked them. But in a way he seemed to be handed everything he wanted on a silver plate with a little too little effort (until the end), though. Granted, that might be difficult to fix given the length.
Eyes on the Prize
An interesting take on the extinction event. Reminds me of a Spike and Suzy cartoon in which children are kidnapped by magic balloons (and also Children of Men, of course).
A Mistake
I like the concept but I'm not a big fan of your prose style. It hammers the point down a bit too much, which on one hand could be an interesting style, but I don't think the potential in that regard was used fully.
Drinking Beer and Watching TV
It seems like it veered off a bit too long into the discussion of religion. In the end, I understood why, but I don't think it was really necessary to explain that much. Now I think the story is a bit split in two. On the other hand, it was probably more interesting than the murder-story, so...
The "half-Swede half-Black" line bothered me a bit. Why wouldn't he know the actual ethnicity of his wife?
Up, down and how it always is
Well-written with a few hangups (the punctuation as multivac noted). You could also do with a bit more showing and a bit less telling (it wasn't really bothering me much but I think it could elevate the story even further).
Red Light, Green Light
For some reason, toward the end of the story I was thinking Jensen was a computer à la HAL in 2001, even though it says in the beginning "If he could get there before Jensen." and a computer wouldn't really have to get there, would it?
It kept the suspense all the way through but the air-levels declined a bit too suddenly and at once to really give them much impact for me.
The Wanderer
Really not a fan of the font.
Nice world-building. Even though I didn't really get to know much of the world, it seemed like there was a lot more to it. In other words, it seemed like it existed outside of this story as well, which is nice.
More coming later.
Post-mortem and responses
So the main idéa I had was a betrayal against one's principles or own desires and a story in which the reader betrays the main character. So I wanted the reader to kinda feel bad for their actions and wondering (but never getting to know) what the alternatives where. The only way to do this that I could see was through interactive fiction. The main challenge was to make each choice seem bad and make you wish you'd taken the other one in retrospect, whilst still making each choice clear enough so you don't feel like the story cheated you and set you up with a choice you didn't have a clue about what it meant.
In the end I think I failed at that. The "more depraved" route came a bit out of nowhere. I wanted to have a link that was simply the word pussy but couldn't make it fit without the alternative seeming like the obviously right path and then I couldn't make the reader feel bad about choosing that. I still feel like both of those routes may feel a bit unfair.
This also means I couldn't let the reader go back and make different choices since the manipulatory nature would be revealed and it would lose its impact. (Main reason I decided from the start to only play through The Walking Dead once (or alternatively remember all my choices and make the same ones on a second playthrough) and also never watch any Let's Play:s.)
Which is exactly why you weren't allowed to.
Your fault. Which is ridiculous to say since I wrote the thing, but yeah, it could have gone differently. I won't say how, though.
I wanted it on the form of X-swarms rather than swarms of X, but it didn't feel right with fly-swarms for some reason so I went with a synonym. In the end that just made it worse.
I think the idéal approach would have been to simply block out the choices you didn't make so that you could go through the story again but only take the choices you already took. It's my first time using Twine, though, and my time was limited so I couldn't do that. I only had about 5 hours due to an unexpected canoeing trip (out of all things!).
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