-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #127 - "Desperation"
- Thread starter multivac
- Start date
- Status
toddhunter
Member
Dedication. It's fantastic.
yeah, my story ain't happening tonight. =/ I'm not feeling like writing, even though I have it all planned out.
British Monsoon
Member
With a sputter his jetpack burst into life and propelled him into the night sky. Far below the people slumbered, but somewhere in the dark maze of New Jericho City, evil lurked and, try as he might, he was compelled to fight. For he was a Hero, born of justice, a protector of freedom for all. He was Alpha Warrior and he despised what his existence had become. He sensed movement and the Wind Seer pulled up alongside. He was old, one of the oldest left. Soon, he would be forgotten altogether and he, like many others, would fade. Not in a literal sense, but he would become less.
"Greetings brother Alpha" said the Seer. "My spirit guide said I must find you. Great deeds are foretold tonight."
Great deeds, the old man said. He felt like laughing in his face. Alpha had heard over the police radio that Dr. Demento had escaped the high security of Brahms Island. Demento had threatened the city on two occasions before, but mass murder was never his intent, it was only a by-product of his experiments. Alpha wondered which of the two scenarios would play out tonight. Either Demento would attempt to open a singularity in the heart of the financial district, or he would try and harness the subconscious of every being in the city. Alpha knew it would be one or the other, because, like all of them trapped here in this limbo, they were lacking in inspiration.
That undefinable spark of imagination that separates creator from created was something they could never attain. The realisation had been tough. He had the strangest sense of deja vu and suddenly realised, he'd done all of this before. The thought had driven him to the bottle for the first time in years, since the Dragon Complex Saga, when Zeta had fallen. He drank until the blackness took him, relishing in the thought that he had acted of his own free will. Yet when dawn's light roused him, bleary eyed and with a pounding hangover, he felt the indescribable pull to resume his duties. His thoughts were his own, but his actions, the important ones at least, seemed inescapable.
He had a 50/50 chance of guessing where Demento was, but the Seer, nor the rails on which they ran, would allow for anything but the full chase, as pointless as it ultimately was. They found the doctor where Alpha had expected him to be, tinkering with his machines on top of the First Bank of Jericho building. The battle went as expected. Alpha was blind-sided by an attack he knew was coming, but Seer came to his rescue and together they fought to deactivate Demento's device, succeeding with a second to spare. Alpha grabbed Demento and felt something he hadn't felt for some time. Inspiration flooded through him and he felt truly alive. It could only be the creator's work.
"You have to stop them!" Demento yelled savagely. "The Virtue Squad will ruin us all!"
This was new. Demento babbled like that all the way back to Brahms Island and, later that evening, Alpha pondered what he meant. The Virtue Squad were the upholders of justice, the greatest of Heroes. He couldn't imagine they would do anything to endanger lives. A sudden compulsion sent him into the night and, strapping on his jetpack, he leapt into action. He didn't know where he was going, but at least it was new. He came to Zeta's memorial park. Staring at her statue, he felt an old sadness well up within him. Suddenly the statue exploded, sending him flying a good twenty feet. Struggling to stand, he saw a crater and the unmistakable silhouette of Captain Liberty striding from the dust. Alpha's breath caught as he saw what Liberty held in his arms. The bones of Zeta.
"What are you doing Liberty?" he screamed.
"I'm ending it, Hank." the leader of the Virtue Squad replied, using the real name Alpha kept so well hidden. He plucked the wave amplifier from Zeta's corpse and activated the device.
"Put that down Captain, that's an order."
"Trying to pull rank on me, Hank?" Liberty sneered.
"This isn't you, Cap. A lot of people will die if you use that thing."
"Only if I have its sister piece." Liberty smiled as, quick as a flash, Alpha's own amplifier was snatched from his belt. Velocity appeared smartly at the Captain's side and handed him the device, which, as Liberty clipped them together, began to emit a deadly resonance.
"Why, Liberty? You've always fought on the side of justice!"
"Things change, Hank. For some of us, at least. Those the creators still care about. It's they you should be angry with, Hank. It's they who took Zeta from you."
He tried to muster a response, but he knew Liberty's words to be true. Their will was not their own, their lives dictated by the whims of the creators. And they had taken Zeta from him, then forgotten about him, left him to fade and slowly die. He fought back a sudden wave of despair, eyes clenched tight, until he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Come with us, Hank. There's still time for you." the Captain said, some of his old warmth appearing from beneath the harder veneer he now wore.
"And what of the others?" he asked, already knowing the answer.
"Their time has passed, but for us, we can start afresh. In a new universe, one of new wonders and new adventures, one still gazed upon by the creators."
And for the first time in many months, Alpha felt hope. The resonance wave hit the correct frequency and, just like that, multiple universes intersected. Drawn over and over each other, until only an amalgamation remained. Countless died, countless were reborn, but guilt was far from his mind as Alpha soared the skies of a New Jericho City. Not his New Jericho City, but one full of new adventures all the same.
Spoilers;
.
Also, is anyone else really bad at estimating how much space a story should take up? Had to cut a good 500 words from this. Oh well.
"Greetings brother Alpha" said the Seer. "My spirit guide said I must find you. Great deeds are foretold tonight."
Great deeds, the old man said. He felt like laughing in his face. Alpha had heard over the police radio that Dr. Demento had escaped the high security of Brahms Island. Demento had threatened the city on two occasions before, but mass murder was never his intent, it was only a by-product of his experiments. Alpha wondered which of the two scenarios would play out tonight. Either Demento would attempt to open a singularity in the heart of the financial district, or he would try and harness the subconscious of every being in the city. Alpha knew it would be one or the other, because, like all of them trapped here in this limbo, they were lacking in inspiration.
That undefinable spark of imagination that separates creator from created was something they could never attain. The realisation had been tough. He had the strangest sense of deja vu and suddenly realised, he'd done all of this before. The thought had driven him to the bottle for the first time in years, since the Dragon Complex Saga, when Zeta had fallen. He drank until the blackness took him, relishing in the thought that he had acted of his own free will. Yet when dawn's light roused him, bleary eyed and with a pounding hangover, he felt the indescribable pull to resume his duties. His thoughts were his own, but his actions, the important ones at least, seemed inescapable.
He had a 50/50 chance of guessing where Demento was, but the Seer, nor the rails on which they ran, would allow for anything but the full chase, as pointless as it ultimately was. They found the doctor where Alpha had expected him to be, tinkering with his machines on top of the First Bank of Jericho building. The battle went as expected. Alpha was blind-sided by an attack he knew was coming, but Seer came to his rescue and together they fought to deactivate Demento's device, succeeding with a second to spare. Alpha grabbed Demento and felt something he hadn't felt for some time. Inspiration flooded through him and he felt truly alive. It could only be the creator's work.
"You have to stop them!" Demento yelled savagely. "The Virtue Squad will ruin us all!"
This was new. Demento babbled like that all the way back to Brahms Island and, later that evening, Alpha pondered what he meant. The Virtue Squad were the upholders of justice, the greatest of Heroes. He couldn't imagine they would do anything to endanger lives. A sudden compulsion sent him into the night and, strapping on his jetpack, he leapt into action. He didn't know where he was going, but at least it was new. He came to Zeta's memorial park. Staring at her statue, he felt an old sadness well up within him. Suddenly the statue exploded, sending him flying a good twenty feet. Struggling to stand, he saw a crater and the unmistakable silhouette of Captain Liberty striding from the dust. Alpha's breath caught as he saw what Liberty held in his arms. The bones of Zeta.
"What are you doing Liberty?" he screamed.
"I'm ending it, Hank." the leader of the Virtue Squad replied, using the real name Alpha kept so well hidden. He plucked the wave amplifier from Zeta's corpse and activated the device.
"Put that down Captain, that's an order."
"Trying to pull rank on me, Hank?" Liberty sneered.
"This isn't you, Cap. A lot of people will die if you use that thing."
"Only if I have its sister piece." Liberty smiled as, quick as a flash, Alpha's own amplifier was snatched from his belt. Velocity appeared smartly at the Captain's side and handed him the device, which, as Liberty clipped them together, began to emit a deadly resonance.
"Why, Liberty? You've always fought on the side of justice!"
"Things change, Hank. For some of us, at least. Those the creators still care about. It's they you should be angry with, Hank. It's they who took Zeta from you."
He tried to muster a response, but he knew Liberty's words to be true. Their will was not their own, their lives dictated by the whims of the creators. And they had taken Zeta from him, then forgotten about him, left him to fade and slowly die. He fought back a sudden wave of despair, eyes clenched tight, until he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Come with us, Hank. There's still time for you." the Captain said, some of his old warmth appearing from beneath the harder veneer he now wore.
"And what of the others?" he asked, already knowing the answer.
"Their time has passed, but for us, we can start afresh. In a new universe, one of new wonders and new adventures, one still gazed upon by the creators."
And for the first time in many months, Alpha felt hope. The resonance wave hit the correct frequency and, just like that, multiple universes intersected. Drawn over and over each other, until only an amalgamation remained. Countless died, countless were reborn, but guilt was far from his mind as Alpha soared the skies of a New Jericho City. Not his New Jericho City, but one full of new adventures all the same.
Spoilers;
yeah, so this started out as an idea about forgotten comic book characters who have become self aware of their existence, but are trapped in reliving their old adventures until a 'creator' writes new material for them, but I ran out of space. A lot. I was going to have a bunch of other characters like the Wind Seer who are either outdated, unfashionable or clichéd and have Alpha try and form a union of forgotten super heroes to force their creators to take notice. However, Alpha would fail because the others lacked his desperation, only for him to be visited by the reincarnated Zeta, who would explain that she's been brought back to life in an alternate universe (the current prime universe which the creators work within) because she's getting a new trade paperback and costume redesign, which would send him over the edge and cause him to spark off a 'crisis on infinite earths'-like event to enter the prime universe. I realise now that the way I've actually written it, probably would've made more sense if Captain Liberty was the protagonist, as there isn't much desperation in the end product. Still, I tried to get over Alpha's desire for something NEW to happen, but I don't know if it exactly came across as desperation
Also, is anyone else really bad at estimating how much space a story should take up? Had to cut a good 500 words from this. Oh well.
"Unexpected Results" (998 words)
(And then maybe you will also rid yourself of reading some glaring mistakes, uh, say, from me.)
You just made my day.
Brilliant.
If you do, share with us what you learn!
(And then maybe you will also rid yourself of reading some glaring mistakes, uh, say, from me.)If that's true for all of life, then I'm set.
hey_monkey
Banned
I don't know if this DQs me, but I'll put it out there 'cause I'd rather be honest: ran out of time with sick kids and so took an old thing and reworked it. Doubled the length and changed a lot of details, but still cannibalizing an old thing, so....
hey_monkey
Banned
Friend, that's fine by me, but I'm the boss of exactly nothing.
Spoilers can read by lurkers, whereas requiring someone to quote the post to see the password can only be done by a member.
hey_monkey
Banned
hey_monkey
Banned
orrrrr four and a half hours, since I gave you extra time. I hereby nominate myself queen for a day; my word is law.
magical.
Got it. Thanks.
As far as I'm concerned, there's almost always a bunch of late posts. I've never seen anyone really care as long as it's up by morning.
----------
I'm Big in Interstellar Space (998 words)
Password:
----------
I'm Big in Interstellar Space (998 words)
Password:
Flight of the Anti-Joke (950)
Yellow, So I'll Know (999 Words)
Di-Di-Dah-Dit.
Jonas drummed his fingers atop the glass counter. He checked his watch. With the cuff of his blazer, he wiped a smudge from the gold band. Di-Di-Dah-Dit, indeed. To his left was the front door; to his right, there was a door that forbade the entry of non-employees. In front of him, a cashier register along with a ceramic mug of pens and a rack of propped business cards that read 'Everyday Flowers' sat near the end of the glass counter. Inside the counter, stuffed animals, mostly of the woodland varieties, and color-splashed mugs celebrated random occasions.
Jonas surveyed the flower arrangements upon the shelves behind the counter before he yanked the front door. The bell attached clanged.
"Oh, coming!" shouted a voice from the depths of the store. "Be right there."
Di-Di-Dah.
Jonas tapped his fingers. On the counter, the first business card of the stack leaned at an awkward angle. He eyed the thickness of the cardstock. His fingers sped. The cards quivered at the drumming. But the first card held in place.
He scowled before sending his right knee against the glass counter in front of him. A bear wobbled before collapsing like a pink little drunkard. His kneecap stung but settled as usual. He grinned at his mischief.
Dah-Di-Dah-Dit.
"You can't smoke in here," she said.
"I need a yellow rose," replied Jonas, with a cigarette dangling from his lips.
"I can't serve you if you insist on smoking."
"That so?"
"It's the law," she said, with much more authority than her youthful frame seemed to contain. Miranda said her name tag; Everyday Flowers exclaimed the green apron draped around her.
He smirked. "I have a license..." he said. "To smoke."
Miranda disregarded his quip. She slid open the counter and uprighted the fallen bear. "There you go, Binky," she said. "Besides they'll kill you, you know?"
"There're many more things in this wholesome world that'll kill me," he replied. "And quite right quicker." He pulled out his pack of cigarettes and slipped the one slightly moistened by his lips inside the package. Right quick, like this cig right there, he thought. Or was it this other one? He crumpled the pack in his hand before replacing it inside his jacket. "Yellow rose," he said.
"Sorry, for the wait," she said. "The bell's a little loose. Sometimes it doesn't ring."
With his fingertips, Jonas pulled at the door over and over. The bell sounded each time.
"Sir, I know you're here," she said.
Jonas gave the front door another yank as he looked at the mechanism. "I'm something of a problem solver," he said. "I solve problems, so I thought I could help."
She shrugged. "Sometimes," she said.
"Uh-huh. I need a yellow rose."
Miranda frowned. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said. "We're out, sir. But we do have red or--"
"It has to be yellow," said Jonas. He stopped himself from pounding the counter. He pointed behind her. "What about that one on the shelf there?"
"Sorry, I can't sell you that," said Miranda, shaking her head. "It's a display item."
Jonas pulled out a bulge of cash. "I'll pay you--" he began, as he flipped through the bills. He passed over the European bills and the ones with only numbers recognizable until he found the Benjamins. "I'll pay two hundred for that yellow rose."
A slight smile breached Miranda's lips. "Oh, I thought with all that cash, you'd pay more than that," she said.
"Four hundred," he said.
Miranda shook her head. "It's not a matter of money," she explained. "The displays are treated with this chemical. It wouldn't be safe to let you have it."
Dah-Di-Dah.
His hands tightened into fists. His jaw clenched. His nostrils opened into an asymmetrical flare with his right snorting more air than his left. He smiled once before trying again with his lips to produce something more pleasant. "Has anyone ever told you how attractive you look?" he asked.
"Does that actually work? With anybody?"
"Of course," he said. "When you're thousand of miles away from home and staying in a ratty hotel room with no heat."
Miranda gave him a strange unknowing look.
"Look here, missy. I'm just going to say this one time--"
"Good, 'cause mostly when someone says that, you only want to hear it the one time," she said. "Nah, check that. You really don't want to hear it at all."
"You eat meat?" asked Jonas.
"Huh?"
"Like beef or pork? You know, livestock. Meat."
"I'm a vegetarian."
"You're a-- really?"
"Why're you so surprised?"
"I mean, aren't you a florist? Don't you like talk to your plants and shit?" he asked. "I mean, shouldn't you be strictly a carnivore?"
"What's your point?"
"The point is, here's the point," Jonas began. "I'm a fuckin' carnivore. I only eat meat. I mean fuck chlorophyll. Get that shit out of my bowels, you know? I like my steak still squirming." He hunched over the counter and leaned forward. "So if you want to be audited until you're old and wilted, if you want your savings to be emptied and gambled away in Monte Carlo, if you want someone to slip into your place of residence every night and write you a kissy-kiss note containing every meaningless thing you've done for the day, then don't let me buy that yellow rose from you. I will eat you alive," he said. "I'm running out of time. And I have to be somewhere. And I have to meet someone, okay, Miranda?"
Di-Di-Dah-Dit. Di-Di-Dah. Dah-Di-Dah-Dit. Dah-Di-Dah.
Jonas stepped into the autumn air. His fingers pried at the long stem of the yellow rose, and it went this way and that. He slipped the stem between his teeth and gave it a good bite. He poked the shortened rose into the front of his jacket lapel.
He gagged and wiped his tongue with the back of his hand. His head shivered. He could use a smoke.
Di-Di-Dah-Dit.
Jonas drummed his fingers atop the glass counter. He checked his watch. With the cuff of his blazer, he wiped a smudge from the gold band. Di-Di-Dah-Dit, indeed. To his left was the front door; to his right, there was a door that forbade the entry of non-employees. In front of him, a cashier register along with a ceramic mug of pens and a rack of propped business cards that read 'Everyday Flowers' sat near the end of the glass counter. Inside the counter, stuffed animals, mostly of the woodland varieties, and color-splashed mugs celebrated random occasions.
Jonas surveyed the flower arrangements upon the shelves behind the counter before he yanked the front door. The bell attached clanged.
"Oh, coming!" shouted a voice from the depths of the store. "Be right there."
Di-Di-Dah.
Jonas tapped his fingers. On the counter, the first business card of the stack leaned at an awkward angle. He eyed the thickness of the cardstock. His fingers sped. The cards quivered at the drumming. But the first card held in place.
He scowled before sending his right knee against the glass counter in front of him. A bear wobbled before collapsing like a pink little drunkard. His kneecap stung but settled as usual. He grinned at his mischief.
Dah-Di-Dah-Dit.
"You can't smoke in here," she said.
"I need a yellow rose," replied Jonas, with a cigarette dangling from his lips.
"I can't serve you if you insist on smoking."
"That so?"
"It's the law," she said, with much more authority than her youthful frame seemed to contain. Miranda said her name tag; Everyday Flowers exclaimed the green apron draped around her.
He smirked. "I have a license..." he said. "To smoke."
Miranda disregarded his quip. She slid open the counter and uprighted the fallen bear. "There you go, Binky," she said. "Besides they'll kill you, you know?"
"There're many more things in this wholesome world that'll kill me," he replied. "And quite right quicker." He pulled out his pack of cigarettes and slipped the one slightly moistened by his lips inside the package. Right quick, like this cig right there, he thought. Or was it this other one? He crumpled the pack in his hand before replacing it inside his jacket. "Yellow rose," he said.
"Sorry, for the wait," she said. "The bell's a little loose. Sometimes it doesn't ring."
With his fingertips, Jonas pulled at the door over and over. The bell sounded each time.
"Sir, I know you're here," she said.
Jonas gave the front door another yank as he looked at the mechanism. "I'm something of a problem solver," he said. "I solve problems, so I thought I could help."
She shrugged. "Sometimes," she said.
"Uh-huh. I need a yellow rose."
Miranda frowned. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said. "We're out, sir. But we do have red or--"
"It has to be yellow," said Jonas. He stopped himself from pounding the counter. He pointed behind her. "What about that one on the shelf there?"
"Sorry, I can't sell you that," said Miranda, shaking her head. "It's a display item."
Jonas pulled out a bulge of cash. "I'll pay you--" he began, as he flipped through the bills. He passed over the European bills and the ones with only numbers recognizable until he found the Benjamins. "I'll pay two hundred for that yellow rose."
A slight smile breached Miranda's lips. "Oh, I thought with all that cash, you'd pay more than that," she said.
"Four hundred," he said.
Miranda shook her head. "It's not a matter of money," she explained. "The displays are treated with this chemical. It wouldn't be safe to let you have it."
Dah-Di-Dah.
His hands tightened into fists. His jaw clenched. His nostrils opened into an asymmetrical flare with his right snorting more air than his left. He smiled once before trying again with his lips to produce something more pleasant. "Has anyone ever told you how attractive you look?" he asked.
"Does that actually work? With anybody?"
"Of course," he said. "When you're thousand of miles away from home and staying in a ratty hotel room with no heat."
Miranda gave him a strange unknowing look.
"Look here, missy. I'm just going to say this one time--"
"Good, 'cause mostly when someone says that, you only want to hear it the one time," she said. "Nah, check that. You really don't want to hear it at all."
"You eat meat?" asked Jonas.
"Huh?"
"Like beef or pork? You know, livestock. Meat."
"I'm a vegetarian."
"You're a-- really?"
"Why're you so surprised?"
"I mean, aren't you a florist? Don't you like talk to your plants and shit?" he asked. "I mean, shouldn't you be strictly a carnivore?"
"What's your point?"
"The point is, here's the point," Jonas began. "I'm a fuckin' carnivore. I only eat meat. I mean fuck chlorophyll. Get that shit out of my bowels, you know? I like my steak still squirming." He hunched over the counter and leaned forward. "So if you want to be audited until you're old and wilted, if you want your savings to be emptied and gambled away in Monte Carlo, if you want someone to slip into your place of residence every night and write you a kissy-kiss note containing every meaningless thing you've done for the day, then don't let me buy that yellow rose from you. I will eat you alive," he said. "I'm running out of time. And I have to be somewhere. And I have to meet someone, okay, Miranda?"
Di-Di-Dah-Dit. Di-Di-Dah. Dah-Di-Dah-Dit. Dah-Di-Dah.
Jonas stepped into the autumn air. His fingers pried at the long stem of the yellow rose, and it went this way and that. He slipped the stem between his teeth and gave it a good bite. He poked the shortened rose into the front of his jacket lapel.
He gagged and wiped his tongue with the back of his hand. His head shivered. He could use a smoke.
Ok, I think it is save to assume that by now everybody has posted their stories. So here we go.
The entries:
Mike M - Too Late
B-Dubs - Final Exam
toddhunter - Down again
Ludovico - How much further
SquiddyCracker - Flesh and Stone
Like the hat? - Magnum Opus
ThLunarian - Clipped
Aaron - White Rabbits
Nezumi - Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble
Chainsawkitten - Last Orgy of the Sculpted Flesh
Boootay - untitled
Tangent - Unexpected Results
FairyD - Call Girl
Jables - Overload
hey_monkey - For Sela
multivac - I'm Big in Interstellar Space
Cyan - Flight of the Anti-Joke
DumbNameD - Yellow, So I'll Know
Phew! Quite the number of entries again this time. That wordcount will proof to be a blessing indeed.
The entries:
Mike M - Too Late
B-Dubs - Final Exam
toddhunter - Down again
Ludovico - How much further
SquiddyCracker - Flesh and Stone
Like the hat? - Magnum Opus
ThLunarian - Clipped
Aaron - White Rabbits
Nezumi - Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble
Chainsawkitten - Last Orgy of the Sculpted Flesh
Boootay - untitled
Tangent - Unexpected Results
FairyD - Call Girl
Jables - Overload
hey_monkey - For Sela
multivac - I'm Big in Interstellar Space
Cyan - Flight of the Anti-Joke
DumbNameD - Yellow, So I'll Know
Phew! Quite the number of entries again this time. That wordcount will proof to be a blessing indeed.
ThLunarian
Member
Alright, time to take a crack at writing some feedback...
Mike M - Too Late
Stellar job of writing in-scene; the backwater, antiquated gas station felt genuine and I felt like I was actually there. I also liked your tactic of hiding the true source of the conflict for most of the story, which goes a long way in making up for the relatively low stakes of said conflict. The gas station attendant was kind of a caricature, which I have a feeling was intentional; I'm not sure I liked that choice, but then again the story may not have worked without it. Very entertaining though, and as always there's an excellent, judicious use of comedy in the narration that's kind of a trademark of yours.
B-Dubs - Final Exam
In rereading your story just now, the first thing that came to mind was "The sentences are too short, and there are too many of them." I don't know if it was a stylistic choice to write it that way or not, but it seems like some of the sentences could be combined to keep it from feeling choppy. The conflict is also weird, in that there are kind of two of them: the race against the clock to finish the exam, and the person distracting the main character. I know they seem to be related in theory, but in practice it seems like the issue with the guy building the house of cards crowds out much of the urgency about actually finishing the exam on time. It feels like the story splits its focus, I guess. That said, I feel like the story does a good job of conveying the frustration that the main character is feeling.
Toddhunter - Down Again
I like the descriptive imagery in this piece. A lot of the sentences (and occasionally grammar/punctuation) are clunky, though, and could flow better. I feel like we're missing a ton of relevant backstory, such as why this character seems to be accustomed to getting buried alive, and how he ended up in this specific predicament. We get very vague hints about it, but to me it wasn't really enough. There was also a curious lack of urgency in the tone of the piece; the character's narration seemed a lot calmer than his actions (and situation) suggested. I did like that you used the picture at the end.
Ludovico - How Much Further
I'm not going to lie - I didn't understand this piece. I barely got a sense of what was happening; it seemed like the brother kept breaking his phone, and the main character keeps buying him new ones. Then maybe the main character loses his temper and beats up the brother toward the end...? If there's more to it than that, it went over my head. I like the second-person perspective; that's something you don't see too often, and it grabbed my attention. The stream-of-consciousness-like narration paired well with it, too.
SquiddyCracker - Flesh and Stone
Excellent conflict, and good job of injecting an attention-grabbing conflict into the opening line. The imagery is also good. At times it seems like the narration wanders off a little too much into irrelevant backstory (such as the raiding of the port town, the ethereal viewing orbs, and commentary on the barbarism of the country), but that's a small thing. I also enjoyed the use of irony at the end.
Like the hat? - Magnum Opus
Incredible use of characterization. I automatically started reading it in a New York accent inside my head. The second-person narration was such a great stylistic choice here, too. Great job of writing in scene, great adherence to the theme, and a memorable ending. This is my favorite entry this week. I'm not even sure how to suggest improving it.
ThLunarian - Clipped
I'm only including my own story here because in previous weeks, it seems to be what everyone is doing. I guess I'll tell the story behind the story: I've had this idea in my head for a few months now, but never got around to doing anything with it. When I saw that this week's theme was "Desperation", it seemed like a good fit, and a good time to throw my hat into the ring for these challenges. Not sure what else to say here; thanks to whoever read it.
Aaron - White Rabbits
I still don't get the title to this one. Nice job writing in scene. The characters seem a little stiff and interchangeable; the story might work better with only two characters instead of three. Easier to develop and differentiate them. The twist at the end is clearly attention-grabbing and makes the story; I wonder if maybe some more breadcrumbs could be spread out earlier on, to where someone who just finished could go back and think "Okay, yeah, this makes sense." Overall, I liked this one.
Nezumi - Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble
Great use of descriptive imagery and writing in scene. You also do a good job of establishing the rapport that these characters have with each other, and show us a lot about their relationship. The dialogue seems a little unrealistic, though. Also, while the reveal at the end does a good job of subverting our expectations, it also retroactively makes the conflict have much lower stakes. That may have been the point, but when I read the words 'cough syrup', it made the story deflate a little bit.
Chainsawkitten - Last Orgy of the Sculpted Flesh
Very unique use of perspective, what with the collective "We" (is that still called first person? I don't know). Vivid use of imagery, too, but in this case it made it a little hard to read due to the graphic nature. I'm also still not really sure what the plot of the story is. While the use of perspective is neat, I think it might give us an incomplete picture of what's really going on. Why are these people getting burned by the sunlight? Who is this "mother" character? By the end, I was left feeling kind of confused, and a little grossed out.
Boootay - Untitled
I like the concept. It could use more writing in scene; you do include a light touch of descriptive imagery, but for the most part, the conversations may as well be taking place over the phone. The setup also basically forces most of the story to lack any real conflict, unless you count boredom on the main character's part, but I'm not sure it works that well in such a short story. The main character is developed very well, though. You may want to make Captain Liberty a woman, because every time I read the name "Liberty", I pictured the character as a female, so the occasional "he" and "him" threw me off.
Tangent - Unexpected Results
The entire time I read this, I found myself constantly checking to make sure I had the perspective correct. From the opening line, it's not 100% clear whose eyes we're looking through. Lines like "Viscl hadn't thought about this" serve to obfuscate things further. It also seems odd that Viscl would suddenly have a turnabout like that, and if he'd been against it the entire time then I would've expected him to sabotage the research to the extent that the breakthrough would never have happened. I also didn't understand the final line, though it seemed like it was supposed to be a reveal of some kind. We also have no resolution to the conflict; it just ends in the middle of the confrontation. There isn't much writing in scene; it's mostly just two characters having a philosophical discussion in a featureless room. The characterization is pretty good, though, and we get a fair sense of the characters' motivations and the way their minds work.
FairyD - Call Girl
You could use more descriptive imagery. What's happening outside the hotel as the main character waits for his appointment to begin? Sights, sounds, that sort of thing. I feel like we need to follow the character a little bit further, and at least witness him meeting the escort. The part about herpes was kind of weird, and without any elaboration it seems like a shock tactic more than anything. You do a good job of setting up the character and making us familiar with how he thinks.
Jables - Overload
These characters clearly have a history, and I wish that was explored more. Hinting at it wasn't enough for me; I want to know why Dolan is hunting down Shawn, and what happened between them. The imagery is good; the conflict is obvious. I like the immediate urgency of the opening line. Well done.
hey_monkey - For Sela
You adhere to the 'desperation' theme very well. There's a persistent looming conflict, and you use great imagery. The characterization could use some beefing up; it almost seems as though Corinne as a person is an afterthought, taking a backseat to this robotic person going through the motions on this spaceship. Maybe that's the point, though. I also felt like the story was a little too wordy. I don't really have any specific examples; that was just the feeling I had as I was reading it.
multivac - I'm Big in Interstellar Space
I really enjoyed this story. The conflict is very real, the imagery is evocative, the characters are down to earth and believable, and the dialogue is realistic. It even ends on a hopeful note, and I'm a sucker for that stuff. I don't know how this could be improved; it's my number two pick, and honestly it's very close between this one and Magnum Opus.
Cyan - Flight of the Anti-Joke
There's probably a word for the technique you use in intermittently reading from a wikipedia article (or similar) in the middle of the story, and it's used to great effect here. The thing is, I don't really know how that whole thing fits in with the sabotage plot. It didn't make sense to me how someone psychotic enough to intentionally kill the entire population of Earth would have made it onto the ship for such an important mission in the first place. I felt like the sabotage subplot doesn't make any thematic sense in this story, and yet it ends up superseding everything else. It might have made a little more sense in a longer story, where the saboteur ends up getting foiled, but to have it end on that note? I don't know, it just rubbed me the wrong way. Having said that, the imagery and characterization are both done very well, and the dialogue seems realistic.
DumbNameD - Yellow, So I'll Know
The characterization in this story is very good, both on the part of the main character and on the part of the shopkeeper. You use descriptive imagery well. I felt that your story was lacking any real conflict; the 'confrontation' between Jonas and the shopkeeper seemed manufactured, and lacked any serious stakes. This is exacerbated by the fact that we never find out why he wants the yellow rose, and what's so important about it. I felt like you were trying to get something across with the "di di dat dit" thing, but I couldn't really place what it was. The main character irritated me more than anything else.
Final Votes:
1st place (3 points): Like the hat? - Magnum Opus
2nd place (2 points): multivac - I'm Big in Interstellar Space
3rd place (1 point): Mike M - Too Late
Mike M - Too Late
Stellar job of writing in-scene; the backwater, antiquated gas station felt genuine and I felt like I was actually there. I also liked your tactic of hiding the true source of the conflict for most of the story, which goes a long way in making up for the relatively low stakes of said conflict. The gas station attendant was kind of a caricature, which I have a feeling was intentional; I'm not sure I liked that choice, but then again the story may not have worked without it. Very entertaining though, and as always there's an excellent, judicious use of comedy in the narration that's kind of a trademark of yours.
Also, the main character was TOTALLY Val Fierno in present day Idaho, minus the ridiculously high bluff check
B-Dubs - Final Exam
In rereading your story just now, the first thing that came to mind was "The sentences are too short, and there are too many of them." I don't know if it was a stylistic choice to write it that way or not, but it seems like some of the sentences could be combined to keep it from feeling choppy. The conflict is also weird, in that there are kind of two of them: the race against the clock to finish the exam, and the person distracting the main character. I know they seem to be related in theory, but in practice it seems like the issue with the guy building the house of cards crowds out much of the urgency about actually finishing the exam on time. It feels like the story splits its focus, I guess. That said, I feel like the story does a good job of conveying the frustration that the main character is feeling.
Toddhunter - Down Again
I like the descriptive imagery in this piece. A lot of the sentences (and occasionally grammar/punctuation) are clunky, though, and could flow better. I feel like we're missing a ton of relevant backstory, such as why this character seems to be accustomed to getting buried alive, and how he ended up in this specific predicament. We get very vague hints about it, but to me it wasn't really enough. There was also a curious lack of urgency in the tone of the piece; the character's narration seemed a lot calmer than his actions (and situation) suggested. I did like that you used the picture at the end.
Ludovico - How Much Further
I'm not going to lie - I didn't understand this piece. I barely got a sense of what was happening; it seemed like the brother kept breaking his phone, and the main character keeps buying him new ones. Then maybe the main character loses his temper and beats up the brother toward the end...? If there's more to it than that, it went over my head. I like the second-person perspective; that's something you don't see too often, and it grabbed my attention. The stream-of-consciousness-like narration paired well with it, too.
SquiddyCracker - Flesh and Stone
Excellent conflict, and good job of injecting an attention-grabbing conflict into the opening line. The imagery is also good. At times it seems like the narration wanders off a little too much into irrelevant backstory (such as the raiding of the port town, the ethereal viewing orbs, and commentary on the barbarism of the country), but that's a small thing. I also enjoyed the use of irony at the end.
Like the hat? - Magnum Opus
Incredible use of characterization. I automatically started reading it in a New York accent inside my head. The second-person narration was such a great stylistic choice here, too. Great job of writing in scene, great adherence to the theme, and a memorable ending. This is my favorite entry this week. I'm not even sure how to suggest improving it.
ThLunarian - Clipped
I'm only including my own story here because in previous weeks, it seems to be what everyone is doing. I guess I'll tell the story behind the story: I've had this idea in my head for a few months now, but never got around to doing anything with it. When I saw that this week's theme was "Desperation", it seemed like a good fit, and a good time to throw my hat into the ring for these challenges. Not sure what else to say here; thanks to whoever read it.
Aaron - White Rabbits
I still don't get the title to this one. Nice job writing in scene. The characters seem a little stiff and interchangeable; the story might work better with only two characters instead of three. Easier to develop and differentiate them. The twist at the end is clearly attention-grabbing and makes the story; I wonder if maybe some more breadcrumbs could be spread out earlier on, to where someone who just finished could go back and think "Okay, yeah, this makes sense." Overall, I liked this one.
Nezumi - Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble
Great use of descriptive imagery and writing in scene. You also do a good job of establishing the rapport that these characters have with each other, and show us a lot about their relationship. The dialogue seems a little unrealistic, though. Also, while the reveal at the end does a good job of subverting our expectations, it also retroactively makes the conflict have much lower stakes. That may have been the point, but when I read the words 'cough syrup', it made the story deflate a little bit.
Chainsawkitten - Last Orgy of the Sculpted Flesh
Very unique use of perspective, what with the collective "We" (is that still called first person? I don't know). Vivid use of imagery, too, but in this case it made it a little hard to read due to the graphic nature. I'm also still not really sure what the plot of the story is. While the use of perspective is neat, I think it might give us an incomplete picture of what's really going on. Why are these people getting burned by the sunlight? Who is this "mother" character? By the end, I was left feeling kind of confused, and a little grossed out.
Boootay - Untitled
I like the concept. It could use more writing in scene; you do include a light touch of descriptive imagery, but for the most part, the conversations may as well be taking place over the phone. The setup also basically forces most of the story to lack any real conflict, unless you count boredom on the main character's part, but I'm not sure it works that well in such a short story. The main character is developed very well, though. You may want to make Captain Liberty a woman, because every time I read the name "Liberty", I pictured the character as a female, so the occasional "he" and "him" threw me off.
Tangent - Unexpected Results
The entire time I read this, I found myself constantly checking to make sure I had the perspective correct. From the opening line, it's not 100% clear whose eyes we're looking through. Lines like "Viscl hadn't thought about this" serve to obfuscate things further. It also seems odd that Viscl would suddenly have a turnabout like that, and if he'd been against it the entire time then I would've expected him to sabotage the research to the extent that the breakthrough would never have happened. I also didn't understand the final line, though it seemed like it was supposed to be a reveal of some kind. We also have no resolution to the conflict; it just ends in the middle of the confrontation. There isn't much writing in scene; it's mostly just two characters having a philosophical discussion in a featureless room. The characterization is pretty good, though, and we get a fair sense of the characters' motivations and the way their minds work.
FairyD - Call Girl
You could use more descriptive imagery. What's happening outside the hotel as the main character waits for his appointment to begin? Sights, sounds, that sort of thing. I feel like we need to follow the character a little bit further, and at least witness him meeting the escort. The part about herpes was kind of weird, and without any elaboration it seems like a shock tactic more than anything. You do a good job of setting up the character and making us familiar with how he thinks.
Jables - Overload
These characters clearly have a history, and I wish that was explored more. Hinting at it wasn't enough for me; I want to know why Dolan is hunting down Shawn, and what happened between them. The imagery is good; the conflict is obvious. I like the immediate urgency of the opening line. Well done.
hey_monkey - For Sela
You adhere to the 'desperation' theme very well. There's a persistent looming conflict, and you use great imagery. The characterization could use some beefing up; it almost seems as though Corinne as a person is an afterthought, taking a backseat to this robotic person going through the motions on this spaceship. Maybe that's the point, though. I also felt like the story was a little too wordy. I don't really have any specific examples; that was just the feeling I had as I was reading it.
multivac - I'm Big in Interstellar Space
I really enjoyed this story. The conflict is very real, the imagery is evocative, the characters are down to earth and believable, and the dialogue is realistic. It even ends on a hopeful note, and I'm a sucker for that stuff. I don't know how this could be improved; it's my number two pick, and honestly it's very close between this one and Magnum Opus.
Cyan - Flight of the Anti-Joke
There's probably a word for the technique you use in intermittently reading from a wikipedia article (or similar) in the middle of the story, and it's used to great effect here. The thing is, I don't really know how that whole thing fits in with the sabotage plot. It didn't make sense to me how someone psychotic enough to intentionally kill the entire population of Earth would have made it onto the ship for such an important mission in the first place. I felt like the sabotage subplot doesn't make any thematic sense in this story, and yet it ends up superseding everything else. It might have made a little more sense in a longer story, where the saboteur ends up getting foiled, but to have it end on that note? I don't know, it just rubbed me the wrong way. Having said that, the imagery and characterization are both done very well, and the dialogue seems realistic.
DumbNameD - Yellow, So I'll Know
The characterization in this story is very good, both on the part of the main character and on the part of the shopkeeper. You use descriptive imagery well. I felt that your story was lacking any real conflict; the 'confrontation' between Jonas and the shopkeeper seemed manufactured, and lacked any serious stakes. This is exacerbated by the fact that we never find out why he wants the yellow rose, and what's so important about it. I felt like you were trying to get something across with the "di di dat dit" thing, but I couldn't really place what it was. The main character irritated me more than anything else.
Final Votes:
1st place (3 points): Like the hat? - Magnum Opus
2nd place (2 points): multivac - I'm Big in Interstellar Space
3rd place (1 point): Mike M - Too Late
Heh, he totally was, wasn't he?
British Monsoon
Member
Thanks for the comments, much appreciated
And, yeah, now I think about it, Liberty isn't such a suitable name for a male superhero...lady liberty and all that. Setup is a recurring problem I have in these challenges, rarely do I come up with a story idea that requires little in the way of setup, so I waste a ton of time explaining things, which is especially noticeable with such a small word limit. Dialogue is probably the thing I struggle most with, though. I've won a couple of these challenges and each time it was with a story that had zero dialogue, lol. One day I'll write something with natural sounding dialogue, but not today.
Like the hat?
Banned
1 - multivac - I'm Big in Interstellar Space
I loved this one. It was sci fi but more than that it was just two people that could have existed today. Well maybe not with the forced mating, but still. It was just wonderfully written, and I really felt like the characters were real.
2 - ThLunarian - Clipped
My second pick. Liked the twist. It's not something I expected from the beginning, for sure. Maybe it's because addiction runs in my family, but this story (even with the fantastical elements) really stuck a chord with me.
3 - hey_monkey - For Sela
In under 1000 words it felt like there was some stuff missing that could have helped expand on ideas, yet at the same time, the low limit left just enough to the imagination that the whole thing worked for me. It left me wanting more, is what I guess I'm getting at.
Really, I enjoyed all of the entries, but these three were tops for me. Final Exam would be my fourth pick, because I felt the tension of the main character...who hasn't been in a situation where they feel frustrated while at the same time seeing someone else take the situation so easy? It's almost like being mocked without the mocker even realizing it.
@bootaaay, I would love to read a more fleshed out version of this. I loved what there was, but it all was so jumbled under the word limit. Hope you do more with this, because it's a great idea.
I loved this one. It was sci fi but more than that it was just two people that could have existed today. Well maybe not with the forced mating, but still. It was just wonderfully written, and I really felt like the characters were real.
2 - ThLunarian - Clipped
My second pick. Liked the twist. It's not something I expected from the beginning, for sure. Maybe it's because addiction runs in my family, but this story (even with the fantastical elements) really stuck a chord with me.
3 - hey_monkey - For Sela
In under 1000 words it felt like there was some stuff missing that could have helped expand on ideas, yet at the same time, the low limit left just enough to the imagination that the whole thing worked for me. It left me wanting more, is what I guess I'm getting at.
Really, I enjoyed all of the entries, but these three were tops for me. Final Exam would be my fourth pick, because I felt the tension of the main character...who hasn't been in a situation where they feel frustrated while at the same time seeing someone else take the situation so easy? It's almost like being mocked without the mocker even realizing it.
@bootaaay, I would love to read a more fleshed out version of this. I loved what there was, but it all was so jumbled under the word limit. Hope you do more with this, because it's a great idea.
Thanks! I feel like I could have done a bit more editing (it was originally at 1400 words) but mostly I wanted to make sure I posted something before my inner critic started telling me not to, heh. Your words are really encouraging, so thank you.
Dat number of entries. Again, even. Instituting my own challenge for myself, let’s see if I can condense everything into a single sentence instead of a 2000 word piece of nothing but feedback (further elaborations available on request, I guess):
Mike M - Too Late: When I said I was doing a piss take last thread, at the time I didn’t think it would be quite so literal.
B-Dubs - Final Exam: First he was tapping pencils, but then they transmogrified into pens, and the girl has serious anger control issues.
toddhunter - Down again: I don’t understand why the narrator would be buried alive twice in as many weeks, but then again I don’t recognize the picture at the end so I’m probably just missing context here.
Ludovico - How much further: My senior year of college, I didn’t even buy any of the textbooks since all my tests were ever based on lectures and none of the homework came from the books anyway.
SquiddyCracker - Flesh and Stone: The mental image of an arena fight between a golem and a guy armed with a rock mallet is fucking awesome.
Like the hat? - Magnum Opus: I get the impression that “the business” is that they’re hitmen, which makes the notion that the the other guy would have conscience enough to rat the narrator out a little odd.
ThLunarian - Clipped: Not that I’m speaking from experience, but I’m preeeeetty sure that drug dealers don’t dispense heroin in prefilled syringes...
Aaron - White Rabbits: Excellent title, but those are some pretty dumb domestic terrorists, maybe even to the point of being a detriment of the story as a whole.
Nezumi - Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble: Cute little slice of (possibly) anachronistic dialogue, but there wasn’t actually much of a story to be had there.
Chainsawkitten - Last Orgy of the Sculpted Flesh: I get the impression that this is the depiction of some event from the perspective of the children, but it’s never entirely clear *why* the door was just opened and they sat there for months.
Boootay - untitled: And here I thought Dr. Demento just played funny songs on the radio back in the day.
Tangent - Unexpected Results: In my experience, scientists are considerably more cognizant of the ramifications of what they discover than that.
FairyD - Call Girl: That bombshell of a last line, dropped with such casual indifference is amazing.
Jables - Overload: So why is Dolan trying to kill this guy in the first place?
hey_monkey - For Sela: Seems like a design flaw that you have to have someone stay out and awake to put everyone else into stasis instead of having some sort of remote operation and timer…
multivac - I'm Big in Interstellar Space: Wow, seems incredibly inefficient to send a load up the space elevator with only two people, the power it would take to run that would be far from cheap (especially if it’s going from sea level to orbit in the space of that conversation.).
Cyan - Flight of the Anti-Joke: Too much time spent explaining what an anti-joke when the rationale for naming the ship that is a stretch at best and the shaping of the narrative thusly seems incredibly forced.
DumbNameD - Yellow, So I'll Know: Awesome bit of back and forth and character crammed into 999 words, but it just kind of ends with no sense of resolution.
My votes:
1. Cephlopod-Flavored Grain Flour Dough Baked Good
2. DumbNameD
3. Aaron
Mike M - Too Late: When I said I was doing a piss take last thread, at the time I didn’t think it would be quite so literal.
B-Dubs - Final Exam: First he was tapping pencils, but then they transmogrified into pens, and the girl has serious anger control issues.
toddhunter - Down again: I don’t understand why the narrator would be buried alive twice in as many weeks, but then again I don’t recognize the picture at the end so I’m probably just missing context here.
Ludovico - How much further: My senior year of college, I didn’t even buy any of the textbooks since all my tests were ever based on lectures and none of the homework came from the books anyway.
SquiddyCracker - Flesh and Stone: The mental image of an arena fight between a golem and a guy armed with a rock mallet is fucking awesome.
Like the hat? - Magnum Opus: I get the impression that “the business” is that they’re hitmen, which makes the notion that the the other guy would have conscience enough to rat the narrator out a little odd.
ThLunarian - Clipped: Not that I’m speaking from experience, but I’m preeeeetty sure that drug dealers don’t dispense heroin in prefilled syringes...
Aaron - White Rabbits: Excellent title, but those are some pretty dumb domestic terrorists, maybe even to the point of being a detriment of the story as a whole.
Nezumi - Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble: Cute little slice of (possibly) anachronistic dialogue, but there wasn’t actually much of a story to be had there.
Chainsawkitten - Last Orgy of the Sculpted Flesh: I get the impression that this is the depiction of some event from the perspective of the children, but it’s never entirely clear *why* the door was just opened and they sat there for months.
Boootay - untitled: And here I thought Dr. Demento just played funny songs on the radio back in the day.
Tangent - Unexpected Results: In my experience, scientists are considerably more cognizant of the ramifications of what they discover than that.
FairyD - Call Girl: That bombshell of a last line, dropped with such casual indifference is amazing.
Jables - Overload: So why is Dolan trying to kill this guy in the first place?
hey_monkey - For Sela: Seems like a design flaw that you have to have someone stay out and awake to put everyone else into stasis instead of having some sort of remote operation and timer…
multivac - I'm Big in Interstellar Space: Wow, seems incredibly inefficient to send a load up the space elevator with only two people, the power it would take to run that would be far from cheap (especially if it’s going from sea level to orbit in the space of that conversation.).
Cyan - Flight of the Anti-Joke: Too much time spent explaining what an anti-joke when the rationale for naming the ship that is a stretch at best and the shaping of the narrative thusly seems incredibly forced.
DumbNameD - Yellow, So I'll Know: Awesome bit of back and forth and character crammed into 999 words, but it just kind of ends with no sense of resolution.
My votes:
1. Cephlopod-Flavored Grain Flour Dough Baked Good
2. DumbNameD
3. Aaron
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Guys, don't forget to vote.
Unfortunately I don't have time to give ya'll extended feedback, so I'll just be voting this time around.
Uno. Chainsawkitten - Last Orgy of the Sculpted Flesh
Duo. FairyD - Call Girl
Three. Aaron - White Rabbits (I love myself twists)
Unfortunately I don't have time to give ya'll extended feedback, so I'll just be voting this time around.
Uno. Chainsawkitten - Last Orgy of the Sculpted Flesh
Duo. FairyD - Call Girl
Three. Aaron - White Rabbits (I love myself twists)
votes:
1- hey_monkey
2- Chainsawkitten
3- SquiddyCracker
Comments:
Mike M - It's quick and cute. I'd rather you didn't go for a redneck stereotype, though some middle eastern version would have been worse.
B-Dubs - I don't feel you give enough context to the characters and their relation to make this story meaningful. The house of cards feels like it's a framework meant for something more.
toddhunter - It's a grin-inducing ending, but the absence of detail of the character it probably should have been in first person.
Ludovico - It hovers between prose and poetry. Either form would be fine for this challenge, and I think it would have been stronger if you picked one or the other.
SquiddyCracker - Good build up to a satisfying ending. I think the prose could be a little tighter. There's too much lords and fucks. They feel redudant quick.
Like the hat? - Feels a little like a cop out you don't say what they did. There's a good intensity to it, but it might have worked better if you included the begging man actually speaking.
ThLunarian - I liked it better without the twist. You had a gritty, miserable slice of life going, and turned it into a magic trick.
Nezumi - I don't get the ending. Feel like I'm missing something. I also wish their argument wasn't as stereotypical, and had more flavor of their existence.
Chainsawkitten - Hypnotic and disturbing. Not sure how they know what an engine sounds like though.
Bootaaay - While it's a cool idea with a good flavor, I can't help feeling the better story happens the moment after this one ends.
Tangent - This piece is in the middle. There's not quite enough about the characters to emphathize with, and they don't go enough into the consequences of their discovery for that to have weight either.
FairyD - This was over before it started, much like I imagine the main character was in the sack.
Jables - Context is so important to a story like this to give what's happening weight right from the start. There isn't enough about the world or these characters for their actions to mean as much as they should.
hey_monkey - Great piece with just enough context, emotion, and grit without overplaying things by drowning it in detail.
multivac - While it's a cool concept, there's something about the dialogue that's too sitcom-y for me that I have an instinctive dislike for.
Cyan - By calling it the anti-joke though it ended up conforming to my expectations. And yet I don't feel I really got it.
DumbNameD - I think it could have been more effective being even shorter and tighter, almost like a sucker punch.
1- hey_monkey
2- Chainsawkitten
3- SquiddyCracker
Comments:
Mike M - It's quick and cute. I'd rather you didn't go for a redneck stereotype, though some middle eastern version would have been worse.
B-Dubs - I don't feel you give enough context to the characters and their relation to make this story meaningful. The house of cards feels like it's a framework meant for something more.
toddhunter - It's a grin-inducing ending, but the absence of detail of the character it probably should have been in first person.
Ludovico - It hovers between prose and poetry. Either form would be fine for this challenge, and I think it would have been stronger if you picked one or the other.
SquiddyCracker - Good build up to a satisfying ending. I think the prose could be a little tighter. There's too much lords and fucks. They feel redudant quick.
Like the hat? - Feels a little like a cop out you don't say what they did. There's a good intensity to it, but it might have worked better if you included the begging man actually speaking.
ThLunarian - I liked it better without the twist. You had a gritty, miserable slice of life going, and turned it into a magic trick.
Nezumi - I don't get the ending. Feel like I'm missing something. I also wish their argument wasn't as stereotypical, and had more flavor of their existence.
Chainsawkitten - Hypnotic and disturbing. Not sure how they know what an engine sounds like though.
Bootaaay - While it's a cool idea with a good flavor, I can't help feeling the better story happens the moment after this one ends.
Tangent - This piece is in the middle. There's not quite enough about the characters to emphathize with, and they don't go enough into the consequences of their discovery for that to have weight either.
FairyD - This was over before it started, much like I imagine the main character was in the sack.
Jables - Context is so important to a story like this to give what's happening weight right from the start. There isn't enough about the world or these characters for their actions to mean as much as they should.
hey_monkey - Great piece with just enough context, emotion, and grit without overplaying things by drowning it in detail.
multivac - While it's a cool concept, there's something about the dialogue that's too sitcom-y for me that I have an instinctive dislike for.
Cyan - By calling it the anti-joke though it ended up conforming to my expectations. And yet I don't feel I really got it.
DumbNameD - I think it could have been more effective being even shorter and tighter, almost like a sucker punch.
hey_monkey
Banned
...I am pretty sure I can retire. All I've ever wanted is an Aaron vote.
#completelyserious
#completelyserious
Chainsawkitten
Member
Yes, that's one of the main things I've been thinking about. How do you describe things to the reader when the characters have no reference points whatsoever? You can't really say what it is and you can't do similes so how do you do it without being too vague so the reader doesn't get it? In the end I couldn't find any good way.
Comments:
Mike M: I was confused at the beginning as to why he wanted to buy something so desperately, which of course was the whole point of the story. There was a bit too much cursing for my taste.
B-Dubs; I think you caught the feeling of desperation and annoyance rather good, but I would have wished for something more at the ending.
toddhunter: I don't know if the guy in the picture you used is some kind of reference to something, so i don't know if that had helped with the understanding of the story. Otherwise I was a bit confused as to why a person would get accostumed to getting buried alive.
Ludovico: I don't really know what was going on in your story. Seems like you were going for something really minimalistic here, but it might have been a bit too minimalistic.
SquiddyCracker: Good solid story. I think though that, for such a short piece, you went a bit overboard with your background information, because you mention a lot of things that I as a reader might actually want to learn more about but won't ever do,
Like the hat?: I thought you used the second person really good but otherwise it wasn't really my kind of story. I also thought it was a bit repetitive which is probably due to the form you chose to write it in.
ThLunarian: I really liked the way you described the effects addiction can have on body and mind but I really didn't like that you went for the fallen angel angle. That might be because it reminds me of when I was a shit-head overly melodramatic teenager who'd write stories of fallen angels in dark allyes and read them to my fellow overly melodramtic teenagers who also wrote stories about fallen angels in dark alleys...
Aaron: I honestly don't know what was going on in that story. Not only got I confused at times as to who was talking at the moment, I'm also not sure what the plot here was. Were they on the run? If yes, why? I just felt like I missed something.
Nezumi: Since there seems to be a trend of commenting on your own story at the moment I guess i might as well give it a try. The problem I had here was that from the beginning I focused way to much on the secondary object. So I ended up being psyched about describing this really cool laboratory but didn't really have a story. And when I finally came up with something my alchemist could be desperate about I dind't really know how to end it so i kind of came up with the whole idea that in reality there wasn't actually something to be desperate about... didn't really work.
Chainsawkitten: While I think that you are a really talented writer your choice of topic is just never for me. I'm just not a fan of this overly gory and disturbing stuff and I think that sometimes you are trying to hard to be controversial.
Boootay: If you hadn't posted that little spoiler at the end I would have been very confused with your story. So I think that you had an amazing idea, that was just not fitting for that low wordcount.
Tangent: I liked the philsosophical dilema that you presented. But I thought it was kind of sad that the two characters hadn't any depth to them. It felt like their only function was to present the two sides of the argument. And I wasn't sure what decision was felt in the ending but maybe that was intentional.
Jabels: The name Dolan really put me off, because it made me think of those horrible comics. Otherwise I thought that you did a great job on writing the action scenes (something I suck at big time) but I wished there would have been a bit less action and a bit more background to the conflict instead.
FairyD: I thought that you did a rather good job of describing how this kind of person would organize something like this. I don't think that the herpes line at the end brought anything to the story though. Made me think you just felt that you have to have a twist.
hey-monkey: I liked this. Despite its rather tragic content I thought there was an almost hypnothic tranquility to it. Like a really sad meditation.
multivac: Really good and I thought that the way you portrayed the conflict was spot on. Which was why I got confused at the end why the one girl is so intend of getting her partner to stay and thinking about her selfishness, when actually she must have known already that she was coming with her. Because i don't think it was a spontanious decision since I don't think that it would be possible to just jump on a space vessel like this and hope someone hires you as a doctor.
Cyan: Well it is kind of hard to critique that story because in a way you could just say that this was the whole point of the anti-joke angle and that the reader was told not to have any expectations. I'll do it anyway. I loved it in the beginning and was actually sure that this would end up being my favorite but than you kind of butchered it with the sabotage thing. It just felt way too rushed.
DumbNameD: I really liked the dialague in this one but in the end I was left with a big questionmark. Is the man going to die becaue he bit the rose because of the chemicals?
I thought we would get an answer why it had to be a yellow rose. Or was this an anti-joke as well?
Ok, time to vote.
1.) hey_monkey
2.) multivac
3.) SquiddyCracker
hm: tangent, DumbNameD, Cyan
Mike M: I was confused at the beginning as to why he wanted to buy something so desperately, which of course was the whole point of the story. There was a bit too much cursing for my taste.
B-Dubs; I think you caught the feeling of desperation and annoyance rather good, but I would have wished for something more at the ending.
toddhunter: I don't know if the guy in the picture you used is some kind of reference to something, so i don't know if that had helped with the understanding of the story. Otherwise I was a bit confused as to why a person would get accostumed to getting buried alive.
Ludovico: I don't really know what was going on in your story. Seems like you were going for something really minimalistic here, but it might have been a bit too minimalistic.
SquiddyCracker: Good solid story. I think though that, for such a short piece, you went a bit overboard with your background information, because you mention a lot of things that I as a reader might actually want to learn more about but won't ever do,
Like the hat?: I thought you used the second person really good but otherwise it wasn't really my kind of story. I also thought it was a bit repetitive which is probably due to the form you chose to write it in.
ThLunarian: I really liked the way you described the effects addiction can have on body and mind but I really didn't like that you went for the fallen angel angle. That might be because it reminds me of when I was a shit-head overly melodramatic teenager who'd write stories of fallen angels in dark allyes and read them to my fellow overly melodramtic teenagers who also wrote stories about fallen angels in dark alleys...
Aaron: I honestly don't know what was going on in that story. Not only got I confused at times as to who was talking at the moment, I'm also not sure what the plot here was. Were they on the run? If yes, why? I just felt like I missed something.
Nezumi: Since there seems to be a trend of commenting on your own story at the moment I guess i might as well give it a try. The problem I had here was that from the beginning I focused way to much on the secondary object. So I ended up being psyched about describing this really cool laboratory but didn't really have a story. And when I finally came up with something my alchemist could be desperate about I dind't really know how to end it so i kind of came up with the whole idea that in reality there wasn't actually something to be desperate about... didn't really work.
Chainsawkitten: While I think that you are a really talented writer your choice of topic is just never for me. I'm just not a fan of this overly gory and disturbing stuff and I think that sometimes you are trying to hard to be controversial.
Boootay: If you hadn't posted that little spoiler at the end I would have been very confused with your story. So I think that you had an amazing idea, that was just not fitting for that low wordcount.
Tangent: I liked the philsosophical dilema that you presented. But I thought it was kind of sad that the two characters hadn't any depth to them. It felt like their only function was to present the two sides of the argument. And I wasn't sure what decision was felt in the ending but maybe that was intentional.
Jabels: The name Dolan really put me off, because it made me think of those horrible comics. Otherwise I thought that you did a great job on writing the action scenes (something I suck at big time) but I wished there would have been a bit less action and a bit more background to the conflict instead.
FairyD: I thought that you did a rather good job of describing how this kind of person would organize something like this. I don't think that the herpes line at the end brought anything to the story though. Made me think you just felt that you have to have a twist.
hey-monkey: I liked this. Despite its rather tragic content I thought there was an almost hypnothic tranquility to it. Like a really sad meditation.
multivac: Really good and I thought that the way you portrayed the conflict was spot on. Which was why I got confused at the end why the one girl is so intend of getting her partner to stay and thinking about her selfishness, when actually she must have known already that she was coming with her. Because i don't think it was a spontanious decision since I don't think that it would be possible to just jump on a space vessel like this and hope someone hires you as a doctor.
Cyan: Well it is kind of hard to critique that story because in a way you could just say that this was the whole point of the anti-joke angle and that the reader was told not to have any expectations. I'll do it anyway. I loved it in the beginning and was actually sure that this would end up being my favorite but than you kind of butchered it with the sabotage thing. It just felt way too rushed.
DumbNameD: I really liked the dialague in this one but in the end I was left with a big questionmark. Is the man going to die becaue he bit the rose because of the chemicals?
I thought we would get an answer why it had to be a yellow rose. Or was this an anti-joke as well?
Ok, time to vote.
1.) hey_monkey
2.) multivac
3.) SquiddyCracker
hm: tangent, DumbNameD, Cyan
And all you had to do was write the objectively best story. Simple.
Just wanted to say thanks for everyone who read and provided feedback. I'm trying to get through all of these before the deadline.
As for my story specifically, I actually had a revision with small hints about backstory here and there but it was grossly over the 1000 word count and I decided to trim most of it to make room for action, which I suppose was a mistake in the end. I sort of took the what I call the "Mission Impossible 3" approach to it where the specifics of what the "world ending virus" they're trying to retrieve weren't important, just that you understood the motivation behind it. However, there's still tons more conflict in the movie to pull you along. I totally see what you guys are saying though and appreciate the critiques! I love chatting about this stuff and taking pointers from you more seasoned writers.
As for my story specifically, I actually had a revision with small hints about backstory here and there but it was grossly over the 1000 word count and I decided to trim most of it to make room for action, which I suppose was a mistake in the end. I sort of took the what I call the "Mission Impossible 3" approach to it where the specifics of what the "world ending virus" they're trying to retrieve weren't important, just that you understood the motivation behind it. However, there's still tons more conflict in the movie to pull you along. I totally see what you guys are saying though and appreciate the critiques! I love chatting about this stuff and taking pointers from you more seasoned writers.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Thanks for the feedback, I fully agree with it.
I guess dropping random lore bits make sense in a longer work, when the stuff you've mentioned earlier can be touched upon later on, but not in a more contained short story
I guess dropping random lore bits make sense in a longer work, when the stuff you've mentioned earlier can be touched upon later on, but not in a more contained short story
hey_monkey
Banned
And all you had to do was write the objectively best story. Simple.
Well, dang, I've been trying!
Finishing up my reads. Loving these short stories.
British Monsoon
Member
Getting late, I'll try and edit in some comments in the morning.
1. multivac
2. Aaron
3. hey_monkey
HM; SquidyCracker, chainsawkitten
1. multivac
2. Aaron
3. hey_monkey
HM; SquidyCracker, chainsawkitten
Really strong field this week. I went back and forth on this order (and there's still so many stories that belong in here):
1. Like the hat? - Magnum Opus
2. hey_monkey - For Sela
3. Mike M - Too Late
Glad that we could get so many entries! I haven't ever personally seen it this high, and I hope you all enjoyed the theme!
1. Like the hat? - Magnum Opus
2. hey_monkey - For Sela
3. Mike M - Too Late
Glad that we could get so many entries! I haven't ever personally seen it this high, and I hope you all enjoyed the theme!
I think the really good theme and the low word count combine to encourage a lot of writers.
hey_monkey
Banned
Whew. I think I got everyone in comments, but they're almost certainly out of order. But I wanted to do comments since the semester is ramping up and I'll almost certainly not get to do any more for a while.
The secret theme this week? Space and/or burnination. Or in Mike's case, urination.
Mike M - Funny, but felt a little false-tensiony to me; I wanted some earlier clue as to why he was panicking. Love the gas station owner, though. He legit made me laugh.
B-Dubs - Clear and straightforward: ticking clock, complicating problem - but maybe too simple for its own good, in my tastes. The characters seem like blanks.
toddhunter - Definitely made me laugh. I wanted a bit more grounding, but was an enjoyable read.
SquiddyCracker - An excellent job of world-building - you drop in detail without lingering on it, just enough to paint a picture - and that's a great technique in a short piece like this. Didn't really feel engaged with the character, though.
TheLunarian - I hate to be a nitpick, but why would she need the injection in the wings? Who does it for her the rest of the time? Seemed like a device to make the reveal more shocking when in reality you had such a strong story cooking that it just wasn't necessary. Raised more questions for me than I had possible answers for.
Nezumi - The ending made me smile. Some good description and dialogue, but didn't really feel the theme too strongly.
Like the hat? - I feel like these "talky" stories are really hard to pull off. If you put in enough detail for the reader, it doesn't sound terribly natural, because the speaker knows this stuff, you know? I thought it dragged a little because of that. The action and situation were great, though. I think this could have rocked in third person so we could see some of what was going on more clearly.
Ludovico - Structure inverted a simple story idea (we have become that which we hate) and allowed the details to unspool a little. As a letter, though, it didn't feel terribly natural to me. If it's a letter? Or structured as a journal entry? The sign-off made me think letter, but I was never very sure.
Chainsawkitten - reminded me of "Spar," kinda (totally different situations, but what else do you do in a tiny space?). Found myself wanting a little more here. It's such an interesting scenario, but I wanted to ask why a lot. Also, little thing, but there's an odd cadence to the prose to my ear.
jables - I'm all for surface, but this was a little too surfacey for my taste. I have a feeling you know a lot more about these guys than we do....
FairyD - Figured someone would go this route for "desperation!" Love the setup and the complication of the one he wanted being unavailable. That said, this feels more like notes for a story than a story. Part of that is the length, of course, but the early complication is easily fixed and the rest is just narrative.
Bootaaay - Man, I love this idea and what's here, but this needs a lot more (as you know). Hope you revisit this idea.
Tangent - There's a Machine of Death story kinda like this one that I thought of immediately, and while I like both stories (risky discovery is such a great basis for conflict), I think they both suffer from ending up a little predictable and repetitive. Well-written, though, and an enjoyable read. If we'd had more length, I'd want to know more abotut both men and their lives, and their competition with the other researchers. "Sausage and Eggs" was a great detail.
Aaron - Hell of a twist here. Wasn't ready for that at all -- really grabbed me. Small thing: every time someone speaks, there's an action explaining/expanding on the dialogue and it started to feel a little structurally repetitive. I couldn't tell if it was a device you were wielding a-purpose or if it just happened that way.
Cyan - Love the structure. I'm a big fan of interstitials. Some nice tight prose. Enjoyed this one.
DumbNameD - LOVE the writing here. Sharp and witty and some great details. But it manages to feel a little repetitive without really getting 'round to something meaningful enough for me.
multivac - Man, for some reason the paragraph breaks in the dialogue, while technically perfectly correct, threw me off and made it hard to focus. I had to keep checking to see who was speaking. Maybe if they sounded a little more different from one another? I liked the idea, though.
1. Cyan
2. SquiddyCracker
3. Aaron
hm: toddhunter (though I really want to pick several!)
Thank you dudes and lady-dude(s?) for comments. This was a -great- challenge, both to read for and to write for.
The secret theme this week? Space and/or burnination. Or in Mike's case, urination.
Mike M - Funny, but felt a little false-tensiony to me; I wanted some earlier clue as to why he was panicking. Love the gas station owner, though. He legit made me laugh.
B-Dubs - Clear and straightforward: ticking clock, complicating problem - but maybe too simple for its own good, in my tastes. The characters seem like blanks.
toddhunter - Definitely made me laugh. I wanted a bit more grounding, but was an enjoyable read.
SquiddyCracker - An excellent job of world-building - you drop in detail without lingering on it, just enough to paint a picture - and that's a great technique in a short piece like this. Didn't really feel engaged with the character, though.
TheLunarian - I hate to be a nitpick, but why would she need the injection in the wings? Who does it for her the rest of the time? Seemed like a device to make the reveal more shocking when in reality you had such a strong story cooking that it just wasn't necessary. Raised more questions for me than I had possible answers for.
Nezumi - The ending made me smile. Some good description and dialogue, but didn't really feel the theme too strongly.
Like the hat? - I feel like these "talky" stories are really hard to pull off. If you put in enough detail for the reader, it doesn't sound terribly natural, because the speaker knows this stuff, you know? I thought it dragged a little because of that. The action and situation were great, though. I think this could have rocked in third person so we could see some of what was going on more clearly.
Ludovico - Structure inverted a simple story idea (we have become that which we hate) and allowed the details to unspool a little. As a letter, though, it didn't feel terribly natural to me. If it's a letter? Or structured as a journal entry? The sign-off made me think letter, but I was never very sure.
Chainsawkitten - reminded me of "Spar," kinda (totally different situations, but what else do you do in a tiny space?). Found myself wanting a little more here. It's such an interesting scenario, but I wanted to ask why a lot. Also, little thing, but there's an odd cadence to the prose to my ear.
jables - I'm all for surface, but this was a little too surfacey for my taste. I have a feeling you know a lot more about these guys than we do....
FairyD - Figured someone would go this route for "desperation!" Love the setup and the complication of the one he wanted being unavailable. That said, this feels more like notes for a story than a story. Part of that is the length, of course, but the early complication is easily fixed and the rest is just narrative.
Bootaaay - Man, I love this idea and what's here, but this needs a lot more (as you know). Hope you revisit this idea.
Tangent - There's a Machine of Death story kinda like this one that I thought of immediately, and while I like both stories (risky discovery is such a great basis for conflict), I think they both suffer from ending up a little predictable and repetitive. Well-written, though, and an enjoyable read. If we'd had more length, I'd want to know more abotut both men and their lives, and their competition with the other researchers. "Sausage and Eggs" was a great detail.
Aaron - Hell of a twist here. Wasn't ready for that at all -- really grabbed me. Small thing: every time someone speaks, there's an action explaining/expanding on the dialogue and it started to feel a little structurally repetitive. I couldn't tell if it was a device you were wielding a-purpose or if it just happened that way.
Cyan - Love the structure. I'm a big fan of interstitials. Some nice tight prose. Enjoyed this one.
DumbNameD - LOVE the writing here. Sharp and witty and some great details. But it manages to feel a little repetitive without really getting 'round to something meaningful enough for me.
multivac - Man, for some reason the paragraph breaks in the dialogue, while technically perfectly correct, threw me off and made it hard to focus. I had to keep checking to see who was speaking. Maybe if they sounded a little more different from one another? I liked the idea, though.
1. Cyan
2. SquiddyCracker
3. Aaron
hm: toddhunter (though I really want to pick several!)
Thank you dudes and lady-dude(s?) for comments. This was a -great- challenge, both to read for and to write for.
- Status