Great entries all around. The 1000 world limit was tough but I was really impressed with how much detail I was able to get from some of these (also made them much easier to read) Well done all.
It was tough but here are my rankings...
Cyan - 1st
Tangent - 2nd
multivac - 3rd
I think I got everyone with feedback too. Also, children's story would be cool I think!
Mike M - I liked the finish, made me chuckle. Not that it was terribly important but I found myself wondering, "If this dude is in Idaho why not pull over and take a piss on the side of the road? The gas station is overlooking 'nothing' after all." unless that "smoldering humiliation was a number 2...
B-Dubs - I liked the interactions between the girl and guy but I wanted to hear more about the guy and why the girl was really so pissed off. Not sure if this is where you were going but I got the feeling that this was some sort of common occurrence and it was a classic case of "Girl who has to put forth 1000% effort vs. guy who just has natural talent". It wanted to hear more about that and how it frustrated the girl. This also gives me flashbacks to test I took in high school and college...which were terrifying.
toddhunter - There were a few places I had to stop and re-read to understand exactly what you were trying to depict, but overall reading this gave me the willies (I'm slightly claustrophobic so congrats! You're writing made me poop myself!) The ending was a bit odd to me. I think that's CliffyB but I feel like I missed some sort of inside joke or reference. I was also curious to hear more about the actual character himself and what he does to keep (apparently) getting himself in these situations.
Ludovico - I think this has a lot of potential but there are some gaps here and tough places to follow that made it hard for me to paint a picture of what's really going on here. He's kicking his brother out because he's a deadbeat? The point between slamming the door and walking back in got a bit tricky for me. Did he actually kick his brother out? Did they get in a fight? He seems to be hard on himself for no reason saying he's no better. He sounds a LOT better.
SquiddyCracker - Haha! I can't tell you how many stories I thought up that actually started with "protaganist catchin his breath from dangerous while behind cover" in fact...that's what I ultimately ended up writing (in one revision I even had a line about the antagonists trying out a new line of hunter bots). This is what I wish I was able to come up with, it's simple, to the point and there doesn't need to be a lot of explanation regarding the motivation because it's very obvious and straightforward. I think you did a good job painting in some details here and there as well! Funny ending too, good job.
Like the hat? - I really enjoyed the internal perspective and love the anger and compassion he spoke with. I think you did a great job of building a character without being heavy handed and keeping everything internalized. I guess I would have loved to gotten a better take on the guy he's about to kill though, he just came across as some dude. I think he could've been a bit more interesting if there was some sort of background there between them, a brother, a friend, they started out together (all of those may be terribly cliche) anything that might have added a bit more drama to the situation and proved that he loved his job even more than a close friend or relative. Also, reading this story and then seeing your comment about about wanting to write a children's story is just too much of a hilarious juxtaposition...and equally terrifying thought. I totally love the idea of doing a kid's story though.
ThLunarian - I really think this is an interesting concept and wanted to read a lot more about it (damn 1000 word limit!) which I think is a credit. The only thing that seemed a bit odd to me was the introduction of the wings and the dealer's reaction. I assume she needed him to inject the wing because she couldn't reach, but wasn't sure why she needed to inject directly into the wing itself, or why the dealer wouldn't have gone running down the street screaming for his life upon witnessing this. A reaction like that would've been a bit more interesting to me, and then her having to settle for injecting herself would have added to her desperation. Just a thought, but still really interesting and well written.
Aaron - This one was interesting but it really lost me right at the end and I found myself re-reading the final paragraph several times to try and get an idea of what happened. I get that they're not really Mark, Jack and Jane but I guess I didn't understand the importance of that and the way it was revealed seemed very forced. I found myself sort of wondering why it mattered that their names weren't real and that they had plenty of money in their pockets, I completely missed out on what you were trying to say there (which maybe says more about me as a reader).
Nezumi - I liked your take with the theme and I loved the introduction to the laboratory. As things started to get going part of me hoped that it was much more of a real threat than it ended up being but that was just my personal preference. I enjoyed the interaction between the man and the woman as well.
Chainsawkitten - Damn that certainly grabbed my attention. The descriptions are amazingly vivid and paint some very detailed imagery in my head, well done on that front.
Boootay - I'm really glad you added the spoiler at the end, I think it helps to see exactly what you were going for when giving feedback. My initial thoughts upon reading the first line were that the names and events being described sounded horribly cliche' but about halfway through it I was starting to wonder "Are these characters stuck in a video game or something?" I think you did a good job of slowly introducing some of those ideas in a subtle manner and the "cliche" comment actually really fits the idea you're going for with Comic Book characters. Things got a little weird with the action about halfway through and there were references to a lot of different things that were difficult to keep track of and ended up not seeming to matter really. Also it was a little hard to understand just HOW they were going to merge worlds. I admire what you were going for and I think it's an interesting idea that you should totally keep working on. 1000 words is a tough limit to convey some of those ideas but if you can find a way to do it then I think you'll have a great core part of an interesting story you can build off of even more. And yes, I too did a horrible job guessing how much room 1000 words actually was. I had a version where I had just finished describing things at about 700 words, before the action really started. Brevity is the soul of wit.
Tangent - Dang, really well done! Probably my favorite interpretations of the theme and just a very interesting and though provoking story all together. Well put together.
FairyD - Another great interpretation of the theme, I really enjoyed this one and I loved the funny one liner punch at the end, good stuff and well written (much better than this ridiculous sentence constructed to describe it).
hey_monkey - Loved this one. Great execution, interesting take on the theme and just a good story. Well done.
multivac - I love how this was a very simple and easily relatable story told with an interesting sic-fi-esque background, a true recipe for awesome! I think you executed it really well and the dialogue was fantastic as well (something I need to work on myself). I'm a little torn about the ending though. It hunk everything you had setup was working too well to just say "They all lived happily ever after!" I found myself wondering how she could have just decided to go ahead and go with them on a whim (I assume it would have been some long, drawn out selection process). I guess the fact that she's a doctor makes it a bit easier to understand HOW she managed to get on board but then I wondered why she even made such a big deal about things on the way up or internalized some of the thoughts she had if she had been planning to go all along. Loved the title too though.
Cyan - I love the way you interspersed the sections of the Anti Joke along with the story itself. It sort of made it a bit easy to predict the end (I actually wondered if you'd put another twist on it where it countered my expectations a second time and the ship miraculously delivered the payload to the asteroid, somehow saving everyone after all) but it was still interesting to read and felt a lot like a great cautionary tale/writing guide.
DumbNameD - Loved the dialogue here. Wasn't entirely sure what the big deal about the rose being yellow was to the story, but I enjoyed the characters and the interaction between them.
It was tough but here are my rankings...
Cyan - 1st
Tangent - 2nd
multivac - 3rd
I think I got everyone with feedback too. Also, children's story would be cool I think!
Mike M - I liked the finish, made me chuckle. Not that it was terribly important but I found myself wondering, "If this dude is in Idaho why not pull over and take a piss on the side of the road? The gas station is overlooking 'nothing' after all." unless that "smoldering humiliation was a number 2...
B-Dubs - I liked the interactions between the girl and guy but I wanted to hear more about the guy and why the girl was really so pissed off. Not sure if this is where you were going but I got the feeling that this was some sort of common occurrence and it was a classic case of "Girl who has to put forth 1000% effort vs. guy who just has natural talent". It wanted to hear more about that and how it frustrated the girl. This also gives me flashbacks to test I took in high school and college...which were terrifying.
toddhunter - There were a few places I had to stop and re-read to understand exactly what you were trying to depict, but overall reading this gave me the willies (I'm slightly claustrophobic so congrats! You're writing made me poop myself!) The ending was a bit odd to me. I think that's CliffyB but I feel like I missed some sort of inside joke or reference. I was also curious to hear more about the actual character himself and what he does to keep (apparently) getting himself in these situations.
Ludovico - I think this has a lot of potential but there are some gaps here and tough places to follow that made it hard for me to paint a picture of what's really going on here. He's kicking his brother out because he's a deadbeat? The point between slamming the door and walking back in got a bit tricky for me. Did he actually kick his brother out? Did they get in a fight? He seems to be hard on himself for no reason saying he's no better. He sounds a LOT better.
SquiddyCracker - Haha! I can't tell you how many stories I thought up that actually started with "protaganist catchin his breath from dangerous while behind cover" in fact...that's what I ultimately ended up writing (in one revision I even had a line about the antagonists trying out a new line of hunter bots). This is what I wish I was able to come up with, it's simple, to the point and there doesn't need to be a lot of explanation regarding the motivation because it's very obvious and straightforward. I think you did a good job painting in some details here and there as well! Funny ending too, good job.
Like the hat? - I really enjoyed the internal perspective and love the anger and compassion he spoke with. I think you did a great job of building a character without being heavy handed and keeping everything internalized. I guess I would have loved to gotten a better take on the guy he's about to kill though, he just came across as some dude. I think he could've been a bit more interesting if there was some sort of background there between them, a brother, a friend, they started out together (all of those may be terribly cliche) anything that might have added a bit more drama to the situation and proved that he loved his job even more than a close friend or relative. Also, reading this story and then seeing your comment about about wanting to write a children's story is just too much of a hilarious juxtaposition...and equally terrifying thought. I totally love the idea of doing a kid's story though.
ThLunarian - I really think this is an interesting concept and wanted to read a lot more about it (damn 1000 word limit!) which I think is a credit. The only thing that seemed a bit odd to me was the introduction of the wings and the dealer's reaction. I assume she needed him to inject the wing because she couldn't reach, but wasn't sure why she needed to inject directly into the wing itself, or why the dealer wouldn't have gone running down the street screaming for his life upon witnessing this. A reaction like that would've been a bit more interesting to me, and then her having to settle for injecting herself would have added to her desperation. Just a thought, but still really interesting and well written.
Aaron - This one was interesting but it really lost me right at the end and I found myself re-reading the final paragraph several times to try and get an idea of what happened. I get that they're not really Mark, Jack and Jane but I guess I didn't understand the importance of that and the way it was revealed seemed very forced. I found myself sort of wondering why it mattered that their names weren't real and that they had plenty of money in their pockets, I completely missed out on what you were trying to say there (which maybe says more about me as a reader).
Nezumi - I liked your take with the theme and I loved the introduction to the laboratory. As things started to get going part of me hoped that it was much more of a real threat than it ended up being but that was just my personal preference. I enjoyed the interaction between the man and the woman as well.
Chainsawkitten - Damn that certainly grabbed my attention. The descriptions are amazingly vivid and paint some very detailed imagery in my head, well done on that front.
Boootay - I'm really glad you added the spoiler at the end, I think it helps to see exactly what you were going for when giving feedback. My initial thoughts upon reading the first line were that the names and events being described sounded horribly cliche' but about halfway through it I was starting to wonder "Are these characters stuck in a video game or something?" I think you did a good job of slowly introducing some of those ideas in a subtle manner and the "cliche" comment actually really fits the idea you're going for with Comic Book characters. Things got a little weird with the action about halfway through and there were references to a lot of different things that were difficult to keep track of and ended up not seeming to matter really. Also it was a little hard to understand just HOW they were going to merge worlds. I admire what you were going for and I think it's an interesting idea that you should totally keep working on. 1000 words is a tough limit to convey some of those ideas but if you can find a way to do it then I think you'll have a great core part of an interesting story you can build off of even more. And yes, I too did a horrible job guessing how much room 1000 words actually was. I had a version where I had just finished describing things at about 700 words, before the action really started. Brevity is the soul of wit.
Tangent - Dang, really well done! Probably my favorite interpretations of the theme and just a very interesting and though provoking story all together. Well put together.
FairyD - Another great interpretation of the theme, I really enjoyed this one and I loved the funny one liner punch at the end, good stuff and well written (much better than this ridiculous sentence constructed to describe it).
hey_monkey - Loved this one. Great execution, interesting take on the theme and just a good story. Well done.
multivac - I love how this was a very simple and easily relatable story told with an interesting sic-fi-esque background, a true recipe for awesome! I think you executed it really well and the dialogue was fantastic as well (something I need to work on myself). I'm a little torn about the ending though. It hunk everything you had setup was working too well to just say "They all lived happily ever after!" I found myself wondering how she could have just decided to go ahead and go with them on a whim (I assume it would have been some long, drawn out selection process). I guess the fact that she's a doctor makes it a bit easier to understand HOW she managed to get on board but then I wondered why she even made such a big deal about things on the way up or internalized some of the thoughts she had if she had been planning to go all along. Loved the title too though.
Cyan - I love the way you interspersed the sections of the Anti Joke along with the story itself. It sort of made it a bit easy to predict the end (I actually wondered if you'd put another twist on it where it countered my expectations a second time and the ship miraculously delivered the payload to the asteroid, somehow saving everyone after all) but it was still interesting to read and felt a lot like a great cautionary tale/writing guide.
DumbNameD - Loved the dialogue here. Wasn't entirely sure what the big deal about the rose being yellow was to the story, but I enjoyed the characters and the interaction between them.
