Pfft, most of us write last minute anyway!
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #132 - "Wrong Place, Wrong Time"
- Thread starter Cyan
- Start date
- Status
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Pffft, more like early Saturday.
ThLunarian
Member
If you'd subbed to the last thread, you'd have seen it bumped w/the link to this one
....Yeah, that's a good point. Oops!
Funny enough, that's also the title of my story. Password in quote!
Oops
Edit: 1309 words!
Well, I'm not sure if this actually fits the theme of the challenge. I sort of wrote it based on the secondary objective, but I didn't realize that was actually the secondary one. >_<
Oh well, in this story, I set up a race of demons that I first utilized in a short story called The Hollows. Enjoy.
Hell Rises to the Hollows
Do the usual and quote for the password.
Oh well, in this story, I set up a race of demons that I first utilized in a short story called The Hollows. Enjoy.
Hell Rises to the Hollows
Do the usual and quote for the password.
toddhunter
Member
Edit.
Sorry, decided I hate it. Not worth reading.
Sorry, decided I hate it. Not worth reading.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Okay, I'll start writing in half an hour.
EDIT: I mean two hours.
EDIT2: I mean four hours.
EDIT3: I mean six hours.
EDIT: I mean two hours.
EDIT2: I mean four hours.
EDIT3: I mean six hours.
Me too! (Hopefully)
If you hadn't said anything, you might have gotten away with it!
I don't think there's a hard and fast rule about it, but some might consider it a disqualifier.
According to the FAQ:
I'm in the process of trimming from about 1700 to 1400 right now, actually.
Resubmitting after editing down to under 1400 words.
Hell Rises to the Hollows
Quote for the password.
Hell Rises to the Hollows
Quote for the password.
ab.aeterno
Member
Statistic
785 Words
Quote for link. You know, even in the few minute hindsight of finishing it (one draft, 30 minutes, no editing, let's do this) I feel like it's either stupid, overwrought, or incomprehensible and "what was the point of that?" Hopefully it makes any amount of sense to others. Just working through a fear I'm struggling with lately.
Oh well. I feel like I get really great snapshots, and then struggle to expand out the other 95% of a story that explains or builds up to it. Gotta practice more.
785 Words
Quote for link. You know, even in the few minute hindsight of finishing it (one draft, 30 minutes, no editing, let's do this) I feel like it's either stupid, overwrought, or incomprehensible and "what was the point of that?" Hopefully it makes any amount of sense to others. Just working through a fear I'm struggling with lately.
Oh well. I feel like I get really great snapshots, and then struggle to expand out the other 95% of a story that explains or builds up to it. Gotta practice more.
The Westbound Manhttps://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/45588792/The Westbound Man.pdf
1400 words
Usual password
1400 words
Usual password
Has-No-Home and the Forbidden Suit 1393 words
Those NaNo habits coming back to haunt us!
First writing challenge completed! Yay
Little Things Cause the Biggest Problems
Password: (quote to see)
Somewhere between 1380 and 1390 characters depending on whether I'm using the tool in the FAQ or Scrivener's counter... heh
Not sure I like the title and I was waaaay over the word count as I wrapped up first draft and felt I needed more to say what I wanted, but whatever
Is it worth adding to the FAQ that Macs can do password protected PDFs by default without any additional software, or was I the only one who didn't know that? For those that didn't, you just go to the Print window from your app, choose PDF print and Save as PDF, and then you have access to security options and setting a password for viewing, as well as a separate password for copying / printing / etc... Had no idea, but maybe that's because I don't print to PDF often...
Little Things Cause the Biggest Problems
Password: (quote to see)
Somewhere between 1380 and 1390 characters depending on whether I'm using the tool in the FAQ or Scrivener's counter... heh
Not sure I like the title and I was waaaay over the word count as I wrapped up first draft and felt I needed more to say what I wanted, but whatever
Is it worth adding to the FAQ that Macs can do password protected PDFs by default without any additional software, or was I the only one who didn't know that? For those that didn't, you just go to the Print window from your app, choose PDF print and Save as PDF, and then you have access to security options and setting a password for viewing, as well as a separate password for copying / printing / etc... Had no idea, but maybe that's because I don't print to PDF often...
Back End of Nowhere (1360)
The Entries:
Chainsawkitten - "Amateur"
Nezumi - "The Itch"
EdibleKnife - "Zealots"
ThLunarian - "Oops"
sqwarlock - "Hell Rises to the Hollows"
toddhunter - "What comes after"
Ourobolus - "Going down"
ab.aeterno - "Statistic"
Ward - "Wrongs and Rights aren't equivalent to Gains and Losses"
Mike M - "The Westbound Man"
adj_noun - "Has-No-Home and the Forbidden Suit"
Tangent - "Perceived as Inanimate"
lupin23th - "Little Things cause the Biggest Problems"
Sober - "Crossfire"
Cyan - "Back End of Nowhere"
DumbNameD - "Box"
Chainsawkitten - "Amateur"
Nezumi - "The Itch"
EdibleKnife - "Zealots"
ThLunarian - "Oops"
sqwarlock - "Hell Rises to the Hollows"
toddhunter - "What comes after"
Ourobolus - "Going down"
ab.aeterno - "Statistic"
Ward - "Wrongs and Rights aren't equivalent to Gains and Losses"
Mike M - "The Westbound Man"
adj_noun - "Has-No-Home and the Forbidden Suit"
Tangent - "Perceived as Inanimate"
lupin23th - "Little Things cause the Biggest Problems"
Sober - "Crossfire"
Cyan - "Back End of Nowhere"
DumbNameD - "Box"
Oh sure, Mr. Fancy with his feedback.
I'm terrible at constructive criticism, so I really hope it's not require for voting.
Chainsawkitten
Member
Oh sure, Mr. Fancy with his feedback.
I'm terrible at constructive criticism, so I really hope it's not require for voting.
It's not a requirement (and neither is voting unless you want to win). It's just that people tend to appreciate it.
Oh sure, Mr. Fancy with his feedback.
I'm terrible at constructive criticism, so I really hope it's not require for voting.
It's not, but I'm just Creative Writing GAF's Bad Advice Dog.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Oh, man, did I somehow miss this?
Well, the least I can do is vote:
Well, the least I can do is vote:
[1]Tangent - "Perceived as Inanimate"
[2]EdibleKnife - "Zealots"
[3]Nezumi - "The Itch"
Had a busy weekend but finally started reading and taking notes. Will post feedback and votes tomorrow
Oh, don't say that! I'm always really looking forward to your feedback. Even if it stopped me from using animals or references to animals in my stories
Oh, don't say that! I'm always really looking forward to your feedback. Even if it stopped me from using animals or references to animals in my stories
Chainsawkitten Amatuer: I feel like its missing some grounding element. We ping-pong and ricochet back and forth between the party official and the prison guard, but the narrator never has any reaction whatsoever (outside of the possibility that they might be jonesing for a cigarette) which seems odd given the circumstances theyre enduring. There didnt seem to be much to differentiate the two speaking characters, as they were both casual and amicable in their brutality and constantly lighting up cigarettes, so we just end up with some pontificating about art with some sparse depictions of mistreatment sprinkled about. It was downright austere.
Nezumi -- The Itch: There wasnt much of a plot here to speak of. It was kind of a slow meander of some sad sacks night at the bar, and I kept waiting for the sci-fi setting to yield some sort of payoff, but it never came.
EdibleKnife Zealots: Wendy considers Cole to be unbearable, but apparently cares deeply enough about him to go into a derelict warehouse in the dead of night looking for a lost baseball? How did a ten year old get to a derelict warehouse in the dead of night in the first place? Therere a couple threads stitching the setup to the rest of the story missing. I also found the way that dialog was portrayed in italics to be somewhat distracting, it gave me the impression that everyone was shouting the whole time. Ive got no qualms about playing with rules and conventions (well, other people playing with them, I usually dont). I was left the impression of a Creepypasta submission that got lost on its way and wound up on GAF.
ThLunarian Oops: Ooooh, time travel fiction that attempts to address the movement of the Earth through space, always a favorite of mine. Though really I dont thiiiiiiiiiink its that difficult to calculate the position of the earth in the galaxy at any given point in the past, but Im not an astrophysicist. Certainly seems like something modern day computers would be able to spit out though. Nonlinear story telling doesnt always work so well, but I think you pulled it off well, and I got a laugh out of the punchline. If I had one criticism, it would be that the Douglas Adams homage stuck out like a sore thumb and seemed less of an homage and more just cribbing a pithy line. Even a minor revision of the verbiage (vanished in a small paradoxical cataclysm or something, Im just spitballing off the top of my head there) would have retained the humor without calling attention to its origins.
sqwarlock Hell Rises to the Hollows: I got tripped up over how this seemed as though the narrator and his cohorts were some flavor of Christianity, yet the rest of it had an unnamed fantasy world sort of flavor to it. Then again, its not as though such elements as a god being referred to as the Almighty and demons living in hell are strangers to fantasy fiction, but all the same I would have appreciated something that would cement that this is not taking place in the world as we know it. Unless it is supposed to be the a Christian crusade against the mouth of Hell, in which case I would pick nits with the liberties taken for such a scenario : ) The ending really did not work for me though. I guess it was necessary to depict the narrators final fate, but I found it strange that the demon would write their grand evil scheme for the benefit of no one else. Also, the initial entry where the author laments that they didnt heed the warnings, which would imply that it was written after things went to seed?
toddhunterWhat comes after: But what does come after? Nothing but buildup, and you pull the plug on us right before we might get answers : (
OurobolusGoing Down: Im speaking from a position of ignorance, but there were a string of premises here that undermined my enjoyment. Power plant security to my knowledge is pretty stringent; they wouldnt just hand out a visitor badge and tell the guy to check in on his way out. Also, what kind of executive has his office in the 4th sub basement? And the facility is in such bad shape that the stairway has collapsed? Im pretty sure power plants are the subject of periodic inspection. Working at a facility thats under the regulatory supervision of a whole host of government agencies, the notion that a power plant could degrade to such a level without being shut down long ago is incomprehensible to me. The gag at the end wasnt bad, but the delivery vehicle felt shaky, and I dont think it needed to be. Just needed a few details altered around to shore it up.
ab.aeterno -- Statistic: Well that was a bit of a downer. Not sure how well it works on its own as a standalone piece, it feels like its either the introduction to something much longer, or comes as a tragic ending to Charlie and Clarissas teenage romance. But we dont see what comes next and we dont know what happened before, so its just adrift without cause to be emotionally invested in what happens to these characters.
Ward -- Wrongs and Rights Arent Equivalent to Gains and Losses: Eh, I felt like the ending was a bit of a cheat, its not fair to have the whole thing hinge upon overlooking some very specific detail and not reveal what it was. Its like reading a mystery where it turns out the village blacksmith turns out to be the murderer, but it was never disclosed the victim was beaten to death with a horseshoe. I also found it weird that Lima would have a description of the bar, but not the guy he was there to stab. Going to the bar with the intention of stabbing the loud mouth just seems like its a scenario engineered for mistaken identity.
Mike M The Westbound Man: I stole the setting for the secondary objective from ThLunarian (but Ive technically used it before, it counts!), and Im not sorry : P. I was going for a western thing here, obviously, and while I usually think Im fairly okay at doing dialog, doing dialects turns out to be something of a bear for me. Yes, it is not at all a complete story, and yes, it reads like the introduction to something longer. Probably because it is, as I threw it together as the introduction to a D&D character Im playing in a Play-by-Post campaign that just started up. It was the play-by-post campaign that ThLunarian ran (Which just recently concluded) that got me into participating in this stuff in the first place almost a year ago, so I enjoyed the opportunity to dabble in a bit of crossover between my two main thread communities on GAF even if its not the strongest thing I ever wrote.
adj_noun -- Has-No-Home and the Forbidden Suit: I think theres too much story here to be successfully contained within this challenges word limit. The pacing was solid until the arrival of the troops, and then we had a night of amazing, fantastical magic that summoned all sorts of creatures and terrors condensed into three sentences. Also the penalty for using the Forbidden Suit seemed relatively benign for how terrible it was supposed to be to use it. The king was going to be assassinated anyway (at least as I understand it, he only gained knowledge of his fate, not that it had been altered), and Has-No-Name found out that he was going to grow old. Oh darn? Frippery is my new favorite word.
Tangent -- Perceived as Inanimate: You used greige as a meaning some combination of gray and beige. I hate you now : P. Seriously, got in a ridiculous argument with my wife over what a stupid term that was (ITS JUST CALLED BEIGE, GOD DAMN IT! IF YOU PUT GRAY IN IT, YOU JUST HAVE A TONE OF BEIGE!), but thats neither here nor there... Anyway, this was pretty close to being a cute little tale, but I felt calling out specific dialects was out of place (Where was this rabbit that it was running into a pack of coyotes were one of them was from Australia and hawks from Boston?), and the references to biological and psychological functions, while nauseatingly accurate (my nutritious droppings), detracted from the charm of the story. Loved the last paragraph of the first ending though, I would have otherwise called you out on that detail : )
lupin23th -- Little Things Cause the Biggest Problems: Darkly comic. Personally I wonder what sort of people these are that Hideki is so totally willing to go out in the middle of the night to a bridge to meet a stalker and be ready to stab the guy. Clearly Daichi was the talent of the pairing of him and Goro. One thing that leapt out at me was the casual statement that Daichi knew that no one had seen him. While that was a perfectly factual thing to say, it rubs me wrong for reasons Im not even able to articulate. Even something as simple as changing it to something like There were no witnesses around, and reading it to myself seems to flow better for me. Maybe something about knowledge coming from the characters and not the narrator is tripping me up, I dont know. Also, commas go inside quotations marks : )
Sober -- Crossfire: Oh hey, I think I remember this setting. Didnt you have a previous story about Roland and Katerina after they had already returned to the regular world about Roland wanting to go back? Its an interesting setting that Id like to see a fully-fleshed out story built around. This little snippet though seems largely divorced from the core premise of people from the everyday world being stuck in a world of high fantasy, which makes the mention of that fact towards the beginning kind of a throwaway mention. If I didnt have the previous knowledge of the setting, Id probably have been pretty confused, but as an excerpt it works well enough in that it drops enough of a hint to make you want to read more, but is otherwise a self-contained event.
Cyan -- Back End of Nowhere: Somehow I can never get enough of small children pulling cons, especially the ones where they go wrong. Loved the detail about how she thought she knew so much about system maps and navigation of trade routes only to end up on a station that shed never even heard of. Ending was a little bit anemic though, felt more like a scene break than an ending (especially with unresolved details like the significance and identity of Aunt Cris). You know what they say about leaving them wanting more, though.
DumbNameD -- Box: Man, I was with you almost all the way until the end. I totally dont get the significance of the drink and why or how that was supposed to make the detainee age into Koppels grandfather, or if the two are even supposed to be related in the first place. Everything up until I cant make sense of it any longer was totally aces though.
Votes:
1.) Cyan
2.) DumbNameD
3.) ThLunarian
Not my fault I know that spiders have chelicerae and not mandibles!
Nezumi -- The Itch: There wasnt much of a plot here to speak of. It was kind of a slow meander of some sad sacks night at the bar, and I kept waiting for the sci-fi setting to yield some sort of payoff, but it never came.
EdibleKnife Zealots: Wendy considers Cole to be unbearable, but apparently cares deeply enough about him to go into a derelict warehouse in the dead of night looking for a lost baseball? How did a ten year old get to a derelict warehouse in the dead of night in the first place? Therere a couple threads stitching the setup to the rest of the story missing. I also found the way that dialog was portrayed in italics to be somewhat distracting, it gave me the impression that everyone was shouting the whole time. Ive got no qualms about playing with rules and conventions (well, other people playing with them, I usually dont). I was left the impression of a Creepypasta submission that got lost on its way and wound up on GAF.
ThLunarian Oops: Ooooh, time travel fiction that attempts to address the movement of the Earth through space, always a favorite of mine. Though really I dont thiiiiiiiiiink its that difficult to calculate the position of the earth in the galaxy at any given point in the past, but Im not an astrophysicist. Certainly seems like something modern day computers would be able to spit out though. Nonlinear story telling doesnt always work so well, but I think you pulled it off well, and I got a laugh out of the punchline. If I had one criticism, it would be that the Douglas Adams homage stuck out like a sore thumb and seemed less of an homage and more just cribbing a pithy line. Even a minor revision of the verbiage (vanished in a small paradoxical cataclysm or something, Im just spitballing off the top of my head there) would have retained the humor without calling attention to its origins.
sqwarlock Hell Rises to the Hollows: I got tripped up over how this seemed as though the narrator and his cohorts were some flavor of Christianity, yet the rest of it had an unnamed fantasy world sort of flavor to it. Then again, its not as though such elements as a god being referred to as the Almighty and demons living in hell are strangers to fantasy fiction, but all the same I would have appreciated something that would cement that this is not taking place in the world as we know it. Unless it is supposed to be the a Christian crusade against the mouth of Hell, in which case I would pick nits with the liberties taken for such a scenario : ) The ending really did not work for me though. I guess it was necessary to depict the narrators final fate, but I found it strange that the demon would write their grand evil scheme for the benefit of no one else. Also, the initial entry where the author laments that they didnt heed the warnings, which would imply that it was written after things went to seed?
toddhunterWhat comes after: But what does come after? Nothing but buildup, and you pull the plug on us right before we might get answers : (
OurobolusGoing Down: Im speaking from a position of ignorance, but there were a string of premises here that undermined my enjoyment. Power plant security to my knowledge is pretty stringent; they wouldnt just hand out a visitor badge and tell the guy to check in on his way out. Also, what kind of executive has his office in the 4th sub basement? And the facility is in such bad shape that the stairway has collapsed? Im pretty sure power plants are the subject of periodic inspection. Working at a facility thats under the regulatory supervision of a whole host of government agencies, the notion that a power plant could degrade to such a level without being shut down long ago is incomprehensible to me. The gag at the end wasnt bad, but the delivery vehicle felt shaky, and I dont think it needed to be. Just needed a few details altered around to shore it up.
ab.aeterno -- Statistic: Well that was a bit of a downer. Not sure how well it works on its own as a standalone piece, it feels like its either the introduction to something much longer, or comes as a tragic ending to Charlie and Clarissas teenage romance. But we dont see what comes next and we dont know what happened before, so its just adrift without cause to be emotionally invested in what happens to these characters.
Ward -- Wrongs and Rights Arent Equivalent to Gains and Losses: Eh, I felt like the ending was a bit of a cheat, its not fair to have the whole thing hinge upon overlooking some very specific detail and not reveal what it was. Its like reading a mystery where it turns out the village blacksmith turns out to be the murderer, but it was never disclosed the victim was beaten to death with a horseshoe. I also found it weird that Lima would have a description of the bar, but not the guy he was there to stab. Going to the bar with the intention of stabbing the loud mouth just seems like its a scenario engineered for mistaken identity.
Mike M The Westbound Man: I stole the setting for the secondary objective from ThLunarian (but Ive technically used it before, it counts!), and Im not sorry : P. I was going for a western thing here, obviously, and while I usually think Im fairly okay at doing dialog, doing dialects turns out to be something of a bear for me. Yes, it is not at all a complete story, and yes, it reads like the introduction to something longer. Probably because it is, as I threw it together as the introduction to a D&D character Im playing in a Play-by-Post campaign that just started up. It was the play-by-post campaign that ThLunarian ran (Which just recently concluded) that got me into participating in this stuff in the first place almost a year ago, so I enjoyed the opportunity to dabble in a bit of crossover between my two main thread communities on GAF even if its not the strongest thing I ever wrote.
adj_noun -- Has-No-Home and the Forbidden Suit: I think theres too much story here to be successfully contained within this challenges word limit. The pacing was solid until the arrival of the troops, and then we had a night of amazing, fantastical magic that summoned all sorts of creatures and terrors condensed into three sentences. Also the penalty for using the Forbidden Suit seemed relatively benign for how terrible it was supposed to be to use it. The king was going to be assassinated anyway (at least as I understand it, he only gained knowledge of his fate, not that it had been altered), and Has-No-Name found out that he was going to grow old. Oh darn? Frippery is my new favorite word.
Tangent -- Perceived as Inanimate: You used greige as a meaning some combination of gray and beige. I hate you now : P. Seriously, got in a ridiculous argument with my wife over what a stupid term that was (ITS JUST CALLED BEIGE, GOD DAMN IT! IF YOU PUT GRAY IN IT, YOU JUST HAVE A TONE OF BEIGE!), but thats neither here nor there... Anyway, this was pretty close to being a cute little tale, but I felt calling out specific dialects was out of place (Where was this rabbit that it was running into a pack of coyotes were one of them was from Australia and hawks from Boston?), and the references to biological and psychological functions, while nauseatingly accurate (my nutritious droppings), detracted from the charm of the story. Loved the last paragraph of the first ending though, I would have otherwise called you out on that detail : )
lupin23th -- Little Things Cause the Biggest Problems: Darkly comic. Personally I wonder what sort of people these are that Hideki is so totally willing to go out in the middle of the night to a bridge to meet a stalker and be ready to stab the guy. Clearly Daichi was the talent of the pairing of him and Goro. One thing that leapt out at me was the casual statement that Daichi knew that no one had seen him. While that was a perfectly factual thing to say, it rubs me wrong for reasons Im not even able to articulate. Even something as simple as changing it to something like There were no witnesses around, and reading it to myself seems to flow better for me. Maybe something about knowledge coming from the characters and not the narrator is tripping me up, I dont know. Also, commas go inside quotations marks : )
Sober -- Crossfire: Oh hey, I think I remember this setting. Didnt you have a previous story about Roland and Katerina after they had already returned to the regular world about Roland wanting to go back? Its an interesting setting that Id like to see a fully-fleshed out story built around. This little snippet though seems largely divorced from the core premise of people from the everyday world being stuck in a world of high fantasy, which makes the mention of that fact towards the beginning kind of a throwaway mention. If I didnt have the previous knowledge of the setting, Id probably have been pretty confused, but as an excerpt it works well enough in that it drops enough of a hint to make you want to read more, but is otherwise a self-contained event.
Cyan -- Back End of Nowhere: Somehow I can never get enough of small children pulling cons, especially the ones where they go wrong. Loved the detail about how she thought she knew so much about system maps and navigation of trade routes only to end up on a station that shed never even heard of. Ending was a little bit anemic though, felt more like a scene break than an ending (especially with unresolved details like the significance and identity of Aunt Cris). You know what they say about leaving them wanting more, though.
DumbNameD -- Box: Man, I was with you almost all the way until the end. I totally dont get the significance of the drink and why or how that was supposed to make the detainee age into Koppels grandfather, or if the two are even supposed to be related in the first place. Everything up until I cant make sense of it any longer was totally aces though.
Votes:
1.) Cyan
2.) DumbNameD
3.) ThLunarian
Oh, don't say that! I'm always really looking forward to your feedback. Even if it stopped me from using animals or references to animals in my stories
Not my fault I know that spiders have chelicerae and not mandibles!
You actually picked up on all the problems I had with writing that story. It's not supposed to be Christian per se, but it definitely was a religious crusade against potential invaders. The short story that I wrote years ago with the same race of demons does take place in our world, but a sort of Barker-esque version of it where demons actually exist, hiding in the bodies of their victims.
As far as the ending (and I'll admit that I didn't put it across well at all) it's not supposed to be the demon writing in the young man's journal, but his inner monologue instead.
Mike M said:
Thanks for the critique. Yeah, a lot of it was very contrived - I didn't spend as much time working out the kinks in this one as I'd have liked. The setting just came off the top of my head since I was trying to come up with a reason for him to go into the basement (as it is unlikely for an above ground floor to be completely pitch black, though I suppose doable if I just had assumed there were no windows in the immediate vicinity of the elevator...oops) and a power plant seemed plausible enough. Having a reason for him to not take the stairs was needed too, though with some work I'm sure I could have come up with something more plausible. Ah well, there's always next time.
Thanks.
ab.aeterno
Member
Mission accomplished.
Thanks for the feedback. I knew coming in at such a low word count that I probably hadn't developed them enough but I was struggling with how to develop them as it was. I was working from the end image backwards.
There's nothing to come next, though. The reason for the story being first person present is (to try) and give the last scene more punch through the implication of it cutting off abruptly.
Chainsawkitten Amatuer:
Wasn't really sure what was going on here. So the man was falsely imprisoned for owning a camera and than "employed to make a documentary? While I initially liked the way you repeated the phrase about the cigarette I was hoping that it would lead up to some kind of punch line which never came.
EdibleKnife Zealots
I normally don't comment on stuff like this because most times I'm way to uncertain about the rules myself, but I'm pretty sure that the tenses in the first paragraph are a bit messed up, which made me read it three times before I realized that the ball throwing had taken place earlier and the girl was in the warehouse at night time. Other than that I found it to be solidly written but may have enjoyed a more "unique" plot and conclusion.
ThLunarian Oops:
Time travel stories always rub me the wrong way because I can't keep my brain from screaming "It doens't make sense! It doens't make sense!" That being said I still enjoyed reading this story because I thought it just flowed really well.
sqwarlock Hell Rises to the Hollows:
I really liked the style i which you wrote this and thought that it fitted your story really well. I thought it strange however that the demon "reveals" himself at the end by writing im the diary. Especially if he plans on using it as a means to trick people. i think if this would have been written in a more subtle way, it would have been really awsome.
OurobolusGoing Down:
I love punch line endings like this and even more so if I didn't see them coming at all. I think though that you could easily scrap a good portion of the beginning (the whole cycling part felt a bit unnecessary for me). I also had problems with the power plant being in such a disastrous state especially since the kind of building he has to deliver his packet to isn't relevant for the story at all.
ab.aeterno -- Statistic:
At first I thought this was going to be about arranged marriage. For me the way you built up the girls anxiety in the beginning of the story felt a bit to over the top for a mere meating with the possible in-laws.
Ward -- Wrongs and Rights Arent Equivalent to Gains and Losses:
So, I'm wondering, was there information about the target on the piece of paper that he couldn't read or a scetch that was just badly drawn? In either case it feels strange that someone would just be sent somewhere to beat someone up with only a vague notion of who that person is. Also, I wasn't sure if this was on purpose or an accident, but when the "victim" entered the barkeeper clearly asks him what he is doing there because he normally comes in fridays. At the end this is mentioned once more and I got the impression that it was meant as some kind of reveal for the atacker that he got the wrong person, but then again he should have already knew that because he heard it, right?
Mike M The Westbound Man:
As an introduction to a character I think this works and reads really well, sadly it also kind of leaves you hanging wanting to know more.
adj_noun -- Has-No-Home and the Forbidden Suit:
Word Count was your enemy here I think. I would have really loved to learn a bit more about this magic deck of cards (So, are they one time use only, or do they recharge after a time? What other things were summoned?) The concept is really interesting but could have used a bit more depth to it. Furthermore I have to agree with Mike M, that the consequences of turning the forbidden card around seemed like a bit of a let-down after the build up.
Tangent -- Perceived as Inanimate:
Abraham-Oswald <3 That was the first challenge i ever participated in and i remembered loving that character. I really liked that story. Sometimes your describtions were a bit too "factual" (not sure if that is really the right word, though). Which might have been part of the character but felt a little strange in connection with a rabbit (the dialact stuff dor example). Other than that I really liked it.
lupin23th -- Little Things Cause the Biggest Problems:
I'm kind of surprised by how little emotion all those characters show when confronted with murdering. I can get, that it might not be a problem for the killer, but everyone else also seems in that cold and ruthless matter. But i do think that the whole concept would actually work in a longer piece where the characters are a bit more fleshed out.
Sober -- Crossfire:
I still remember your other story about these characters, and I'm a sucker for Narnia type stories. I still thought that this felt too ripped out of context, though.
Cyan -- Back End of Nowhere:
I really liked the beginning. The middle and ending parts read a bit like a build up to a longer piece though and left me slightly unsatisfied because I would have loved to read on. Which is a good thing though.
DumbNameD -- Box:
I have to say that i was just really confused by this story. No idea what was going on and why. I really liked the way you described the box and the man coming out of it in the beginning though. It just... looked really cool in my head, I don't know. But after that I just got really confused.
Ok! Time to vote.
1.)Tangent
2.)sqwarlock
3.)Ourobolus
HM: adj_noun, Cyan
Wasn't really sure what was going on here. So the man was falsely imprisoned for owning a camera and than "employed to make a documentary? While I initially liked the way you repeated the phrase about the cigarette I was hoping that it would lead up to some kind of punch line which never came.
EdibleKnife Zealots
I normally don't comment on stuff like this because most times I'm way to uncertain about the rules myself, but I'm pretty sure that the tenses in the first paragraph are a bit messed up, which made me read it three times before I realized that the ball throwing had taken place earlier and the girl was in the warehouse at night time. Other than that I found it to be solidly written but may have enjoyed a more "unique" plot and conclusion.
ThLunarian Oops:
Time travel stories always rub me the wrong way because I can't keep my brain from screaming "It doens't make sense! It doens't make sense!" That being said I still enjoyed reading this story because I thought it just flowed really well.
sqwarlock Hell Rises to the Hollows:
I really liked the style i which you wrote this and thought that it fitted your story really well. I thought it strange however that the demon "reveals" himself at the end by writing im the diary. Especially if he plans on using it as a means to trick people. i think if this would have been written in a more subtle way, it would have been really awsome.
OurobolusGoing Down:
I love punch line endings like this and even more so if I didn't see them coming at all. I think though that you could easily scrap a good portion of the beginning (the whole cycling part felt a bit unnecessary for me). I also had problems with the power plant being in such a disastrous state especially since the kind of building he has to deliver his packet to isn't relevant for the story at all.
ab.aeterno -- Statistic:
At first I thought this was going to be about arranged marriage. For me the way you built up the girls anxiety in the beginning of the story felt a bit to over the top for a mere meating with the possible in-laws.
Ward -- Wrongs and Rights Arent Equivalent to Gains and Losses:
So, I'm wondering, was there information about the target on the piece of paper that he couldn't read or a scetch that was just badly drawn? In either case it feels strange that someone would just be sent somewhere to beat someone up with only a vague notion of who that person is. Also, I wasn't sure if this was on purpose or an accident, but when the "victim" entered the barkeeper clearly asks him what he is doing there because he normally comes in fridays. At the end this is mentioned once more and I got the impression that it was meant as some kind of reveal for the atacker that he got the wrong person, but then again he should have already knew that because he heard it, right?
Mike M The Westbound Man:
As an introduction to a character I think this works and reads really well, sadly it also kind of leaves you hanging wanting to know more.
adj_noun -- Has-No-Home and the Forbidden Suit:
Word Count was your enemy here I think. I would have really loved to learn a bit more about this magic deck of cards (So, are they one time use only, or do they recharge after a time? What other things were summoned?) The concept is really interesting but could have used a bit more depth to it. Furthermore I have to agree with Mike M, that the consequences of turning the forbidden card around seemed like a bit of a let-down after the build up.
Tangent -- Perceived as Inanimate:
Abraham-Oswald <3 That was the first challenge i ever participated in and i remembered loving that character. I really liked that story. Sometimes your describtions were a bit too "factual" (not sure if that is really the right word, though). Which might have been part of the character but felt a little strange in connection with a rabbit (the dialact stuff dor example). Other than that I really liked it.
lupin23th -- Little Things Cause the Biggest Problems:
I'm kind of surprised by how little emotion all those characters show when confronted with murdering. I can get, that it might not be a problem for the killer, but everyone else also seems in that cold and ruthless matter. But i do think that the whole concept would actually work in a longer piece where the characters are a bit more fleshed out.
Sober -- Crossfire:
I still remember your other story about these characters, and I'm a sucker for Narnia type stories. I still thought that this felt too ripped out of context, though.
Cyan -- Back End of Nowhere:
I really liked the beginning. The middle and ending parts read a bit like a build up to a longer piece though and left me slightly unsatisfied because I would have loved to read on. Which is a good thing though.
DumbNameD -- Box:
I have to say that i was just really confused by this story. No idea what was going on and why. I really liked the way you described the box and the man coming out of it in the beginning though. It just... looked really cool in my head, I don't know. But after that I just got really confused.
Ok! Time to vote.
1.)Tangent
2.)sqwarlock
3.)Ourobolus
HM: adj_noun, Cyan
ThLunarian
Member
Votes:
1. Mike M's The Westbound Man
2. Tangent's Perceived as Inanimate
3. Sqwarlock's Hell Comes to the Hollows
I'm a little biased since I created the setting in Mike M's story, but I'm okay with that
1. Mike M's The Westbound Man
2. Tangent's Perceived as Inanimate
3. Sqwarlock's Hell Comes to the Hollows
I'm a little biased since I created the setting in Mike M's story, but I'm okay with that
Comments go INSIDE quotation marks?! My mind is blown. This isn't some Canadian vs. American grammar thing is it? Just doesn't look right to me at all!
OOPS
Thanks for the feedback so far (and pre-emptive thanks for anything else that comes in after I write this), I do agree my story could have used a longer form to better explain some stuff. Also, I think I edited one of the lines specifically mentioned during my "cutting 300 words to meet the limit" haha
Time to dig and do some voting.
OOPS
Thanks for the feedback so far (and pre-emptive thanks for anything else that comes in after I write this), I do agree my story could have used a longer form to better explain some stuff. Also, I think I edited one of the lines specifically mentioned during my "cutting 300 words to meet the limit" haha
Time to dig and do some voting.
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