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"She doesn't owe you an explanation."

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G

Ghost_Protocol

Member
I hear that quote getting tossed around a lot whenever the topic of ignored texts/calls/emails comes up, and I just wanted to know if I was alone in thinking that I, personally, feel like I DO owe someone an explanation for suddenly ignoring them out of the blue. Especially when I know they were looking forward to seeing me again.

Whenever I've gone out with a girl and had a good time, but wasn't really into her, I feel like a spineless asshole if I straight up ignore follow up calls/texts/messages/whatever. I HAVE to reply with an "I'm sorry, I had a good time, but I'm not really interested in pursuing this any further. Good luck." Or something to that effect.

Is it a gender specific thing? Is it less of an issue of common courtesy (IMO) and more of a "women can't predict how men are going to react and are more at-risk in dating scenarios so they should have more leeway there" type thing?

I also get that the "she doesn't owe you an explanation" line is sometimes just more of a rebuke to someone who might be coming off as a little entitled/m'lady-ish, but I hear it thrown around SO much that I feel like it can't be just that all of the time.

So what is it?

As a dude, I've almost never gotten a courtesy "no thanks" from any girl I've ever gone out with, unless we were officially dating.
 
M

maxcriden

Member
I think you hit on the crux of it with what you said about women not knowing how a man will react. I understand you want the common courtesy of it, but I can also see how a woman might want to just give the hint instead and not have to deal with any potential further confrontation.
 
I

ItIsOkBro

Member
I doubt it's not knowing how a man will react, seeing as how a lack of an explanation seems to drive some men to crazy lengths.
 
J

JDSN

Banned
Because men dont have a considerable risk of getting fucked up for giving an assertive response.
 
D

Deified Data

Banned
maxcriden said:
I think you hit on the crux of it with what you said about women not knowing how a man will react. I understand you want the common courtesy of it, but I can also see how a woman might want to just give the hint instead and not have to deal with any potential further confrontation.
Click to expand...

If we're dealing with an unbalanced individual here they're probably going to be more upset at being ignored than being gently put down, so that's not it.

No, it comes back to the same reason for both genders: the desire to avoid an awkward conversation. Let's not pretend it's anything other than that. Holding women to lesser standards of courtesy than men is absurd and counter-productive.
 
M

marrec

Banned
Well, in general, social situations aren't supposed to be regulated by free and fair exchanges. Nobody owes you shit and you don't owe anyone shit. Common courtesy dictates that there should be some kind of response from someone when you ask a question, but that doesn't mean they're required.

It's not gender specific, it's just a reality of communication coupled with your own confirmation bias.
 
B

Bucca

Fools are always so certain of themselves, but wiser men so full of doubts.
Anyone who doesn't have the fucking balls to give you the courtesy of telling you they don't want to talk to you anymore or don't want to pursue anything further, is a spineless coward and not worth any more of your time.
 
F

Freedom = $1.05

Banned
Because it's over. Sit down, reflect as to the possible things you might have done to screw it up, also acknowledge that you might not have done anything wrong (maybe she got back with an ex or maybe she just doesn't want to commit or who knows) and accept the fact that it's over.

Move on, shit is not worth sweating.
 
T

Takuan

Member
MRA ALERT!!

Kidding. I also think it's a little silly and think women could benefit from being more direct.
 
J

Jasup

Member
It's good if you feel like you owe an explanation, it's a good habit to explain yourself. However you should not expect others to explain their actions either, again it's common courtesy to let people handle things their way.
 
J

JoJoShabadoo

Member
A lot of text message threads lately.

Most people (at a young age at least) prefer to avoid these confrontations. It's usually pretty obvious when there isn't that much chemistry anyways.
 
K

Kimawolf

Member
Is it required? no. But I generally don't want to be a dick and ignore someone so I give women a reason. I think some women don't want to feel like a assjole for hurting some dudes feelings as a friend told me. So they try to be nice about it.
 
F

FairyD

Member
I don't think an explanation is ever needed for either sex. No matter how long the relationship has been or how emotionally invested the parties are involved.
 
M

Malreyn

Member
I see it as an analogy of a solicitor leaving you a voice message on your answering machine for selling a product, and calls back 3 hours later asking "Why haven't you called them back with a response?"

I know it's a terrible example, but this is about as close as I can think of.
 
B

Bucca

Fools are always so certain of themselves, but wiser men so full of doubts.
FairyD said:
I don't think an explanation is ever needed for either sex. No matter how long the relationship has been.
Click to expand...

So if you were in a relationship for 5 years and your SO just drops it out of the blue one day, you would be fine with no explanation at all?
 
H

Hollycat

Member
I know I would appreciate an explanation. I went on one coffee date with a girl a few weeks ago, I thought we really hit it off, we had a lot of similar interests, and she called me cute. 3 days later I text her to ask her if she wants to go bowling and never get a response. So the next day I tried calling her and couldn't leave a message because of a weird voice mail.
I texted her one more time and left her alone after that.

10 days later, I still hadn't heard back so I deleted her number and gave up. I don't understand why you would call me cute, give me a hug, and ask for my number if you don't want to talk.
 
Amory

Amory

Member
Malreyn said:
I see it as an analogy of a solicitor leaving you a voice message on your answering machine for selling a product, and calls back 3 hours later asking "Why haven't you called them back with a response?"

I know it's a terrible example, but this is about as close as I can think of.
Click to expand...

...yeah it's not anything like that.
 
V

voodoopanda

Member
An explanation can lead to the other person arguing against it.

I was talking to a guy I know not that long ago about his okcupid experiences, and he was telling me about how a woman explained to him why she wasn't interested after he'd asked her and how he kept messaging her over&over afterwards basically arguing against the things she said. I told him it sounded like he was harassing her and he said "it was her fault for not blocking him."

I dunno how many dudes out there are that creepy but I imagine it'd only take a few to make someone think twice about giving out an explanation instead of just ignoring them.
 
C

Count Dookkake

Member
Hypoallergenic Chie said:
I know I would appreciate an explanation. I went on one coffee date with a girl a few weeks ago, I thought we really hit it off, we had a lot of similar interests, and she called me cute. 3 days later I text her to ask her if she wants to go bowling and never get a response. So the next day I tried calling her and couldn't leave a message because of a weird voice mail.
I texted her one more time and left her alone after that.

10 days later, I still hadn't heard back so I deleted her number and gave up. I don't understand why you would call me cute, give me a hug, and ask for my number if you don't want to talk.
Click to expand...

Do you really want her to tell you that she met someone "better" the next day?
 
M

Massive Duck. C.M.

Banned
Hypoallergenic Chie said:
I know I would appreciate an explanation. I went on one coffee date with a girl a few weeks ago, I thought we really hit it off, we had a lot of similar interests, and she called me cute. 3 days later I text her to ask her if she wants to go bowling and never get a response. So the next day I tried calling her and couldn't leave a message because of a weird voice mail.
I texted her one more time and left her alone after that.

10 days later, I still hadn't heard back so I deleted her number and gave up. I don't understand why you would call me cute, give me a hug, and ask for my number if you don't want to talk.
Click to expand...

Most likely the guy she was waiting to hear from for 10 days finally got back to her
 
K

Keri

Member
Honestly, I don't understand the people who say they need an explanation and, a lot of the time, its used as a pretext to harass someone.

If we're talking about a long-term relationship, that's obviously different. But if you went out on one or two dates and then never heard anything again...obviously the other person isn't into you. What's the point of demanding they say that to your face?
 
P

PlayALLtheGames

Banned
Well, to "owe" someone something has a very specific meaning, so, no, I don't think anyone "owes" anyone else an explanation when it comes to these things. Is it the right thing to do though, assuming the other person isn't being a fucking psycho? Definitely.
 
B

Bucca

Fools are always so certain of themselves, but wiser men so full of doubts.
marrec said:
What are you going to do, force one out of them?
Click to expand...

No, but to be completely fine with no reason given seems like you didn't care about the relationship in the first place.

Not saying that you should force one out of them, but to not care or wonder why seems disheartening to me.
 
P

Patryn

Member
If you're in an established relationship (i.e. gone out more than a handful of times on actual dates), then an explanation is probably deserved.

If it's some girl that you're pursuing or have only gone on a couple of dates with, they don't owe you anything.
 
F

FairyD

Member
Bucca said:
So if you were in a relationship for 5 years and your SO just drops it out of the blue one day, you would be fine with no explanation at all?
Click to expand...

If she dropped out of the blue then she wasn't the type of person for me. I would be upset, but shit at this point there is nothing more I can do. Better to let her walk out of my life so I can start rebuilding. I prefer that over the long drawn out shit.
 
P

PirateKing

Junior Member
FairyD said:
I don't think an explanation is ever needed for either sex. No matter how long the relationship has been or how emotionally invested the parties are involved.
Click to expand...
Come on now. This is ridiculous. When you share your life with someone else, you can't 'just' drop it off without letting them know why. Especially if you share the same house.
 
I

Irminsul

Member
marrec said:
What are you going to do, force one out of them?
Click to expand...
The question was whether you would be okay with it, not what you would try to do if you weren't.

That's quite a difference. I certainly wouldn't be okay with it, but except from mentioning this once, well, of course I couldn't do much.
 
B

Bucca

Fools are always so certain of themselves, but wiser men so full of doubts.
FairyD said:
If she dropped out of the blue then she wasn't the type of person for me. I would be upset, but shit at this point there is nothing more I can do. Better to let her walk out of my life so I can start rebuilding. I prefer that over the long drawn out shit.
Click to expand...

Fair enough. You'd be a stronger man than I in a situation like that.
 
E

echoshifting

Banned
The sentiment that you are OWED an explanation, or even that it is "proper etiquette" is messed up. The sentiment that an explanation would be nice is fine, with the very large caveat that for women there are risks associated with assertive responses.

Obviously things are a bit different for a relationship that has been going for a long time, but keep in mind that caveat never stops being true.
 
M

Malvolio

Member
Getting a proper response might be a double edge sword. The type of person I would be attracted to would see the courtesy in declining with a proper message. A person who would not is most likely not a good match for me. I almost feel that a lack of response makes it easier to dismiss them in return.
 
D

dralla

Member
It's true, people don't OWE anyone an explanation. But some people feel like it's a decent thing to do. I know I'd say something instead of ignoring them.

Just a couple of weeks ago a girl I started seeing texted me and I ignored her because we thought it wouldn't work out between us. A day goes back and I felt like shit about it, so we talked a little more, ended up meeting in person again and talked a while. I feel a lot better about it now instead of just ignoring her.
 
T

The Albatross

Member
Kind of agree with OP here, though not that somebody is owed, but that it's the right thing to do.. Obviously, annoying/over-bearing texters are a nuissance, but I think most people should offer an an explanation in a relationship. I'd consider the "she doesn't owe you an explanation" argument to be pretty similar to the "he doesn't have to call you back" argument.

From a male perspective, it's usually a lot fucking easier to just tell someone you're not interest in "that" kind of relationship, or in having a relationship, than to just not say anything. In almost every circumstance, it saves you a hell of a lot of drama down the line.
 
Zoe

Zoe

Member
echoshifting said:
The sentiment that you are OWED an explanation, or even that it is "proper etiquette" is messed up. The sentiment that an explanation would be nice is fine, with the very large caveat that for women there are risks associated with assertive responses.
Click to expand...

How is it messed up to think it's proper etiquette? It may make sense for an individual on a personal level, but being unresponsive is rude no matter how you cut it.
 
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