Natasha Pangarkar, a senior at Williams College, hears “I feel like” “in the classroom on a daily basis,” she said. “When you use the phrase ‘I feel like,’ it gives you an out. You’re not stating a fact so much as giving an opinion,” she told me. “It’s an effort to make our ideas more palatable to the other person.”
“I feel like” masquerades as a humble conversational offering, an invitation to share your feelings, too — but the phrase is an absolutist trump card. It halts argument in its tracks.
When people cite feelings or personal experience, “you can’t really refute them with logic, because that would imply they didn’t have that experience, or their experience is less valid,” Ms. Chai told me.
“It’s a way of deflecting, avoiding full engagement with another person or group,” Elisabeth Lasch-Quinn, a historian at Syracuse University, said, “because it puts a shield up immediately. You cannot disagree.”
To be honest, whenever I hear someone say "I feel like...", I immediately distrust what they say next. I feel like that phrase usually leads into them citing some anecdotal evidence or some obvious confirmation bias.
But who really knows. I haven't seen the data on that.
Yup feelings can't be wrong, it's just an opinion man. People who use this phrase frequently aren't to be taken seriously. Though I think isn't much better considering that nine times out of ten that is self evident as well.
I do it purposefully because it helps make the people I've had to deal with less critical. Usually their criticism is unfounded and it's not worth the effort to go through that whole song and dance
Even more importantly stop overusing "to be." "To be" is a statement of fact and true facts rarely exist and you more often use "to be" to pass an opinion off as something more concrete. Removing "to be" adds accuracy to statements and makes you more truthful. Even if people constantly used "I feel" they would make massive improvements in communication because you tend to feel or think but almost never factualize.
Do people ever notice that in a conversation? Every time someone says "I feel like" around me, other people still shut them down. I dunno, maybe it's just a filler thing for some, such as "like".
I use "I feel like" a lot, but the context is always about the immediate impression I'm getting, I never use it to state long held beliefs or to repeat facts.
Saying "I feel like" destroy one's credibility. It highlights lack of confidence. Someone that wants to take credit when they are correct, and avoid responsibilities if they are wrong.
I say "I feel like" to acknowledge that what I'm about to say is informed by my personal experience and may be incorrect or not generalize to everyone. It has absolutely nothing to do with trying to shut anything down or make my opinion bulletproof. The opposite, really.
Maybe it's been adopted by people younger than me and deployed tactically as this article says, but that's not the impression I've gotten from speaking with people of my own generation. If anything, the last time someone pointed out to me that people tend to say that, they were observing regional differences between California and Virginia or somewhere like that.
I guess I'm not surprised that the language of personal experience has really caught on in college classrooms, though. I mean, sure if you say "I feel like white men are actually facing new disadvantages in our overly PC culture" then yeah, that's a controversial opinion that is being couched in the language of experience, but people say "I feel like" in all kinds of innocuous sentences, too.
Saying "I feel like" destroy one's credibility. It highlights lack of confidence. Someone that wants to take credit when they are correct, and avoid responsibilities if they are wrong.
People should still talk about things about which they have less than total confidence. I'd rather people take advantage of giving themselves an "out" than have to suffer someone's overconfidence.
I used "I think..." in an e-mail to a high level manager in our client shortly after I got my last position, a combined subject expert and semi-managerial role.
She contacted my global manager and basically said I appeared to not know anything that I was talking about. Like, eviscerated me.
Thankfully he let me know about it, completly saw that I was "being polite" and gave me some advice to avoid such phrasing again.
As a woman often negotiating male-dominated spaces, this is definitely a tactic I recognize as being often used when one does not want to seem overly critical or demanding -- qualities women can't sometimes exhibit (see also: coverage of HRC throughout the election). If we assert, we are strident, we are bitchy, we are overbearing. Etc.
I do it purposefully because it helps make the people I've had to deal with less critical. Usually their criticism is unfounded and it's not worth the effort to go through that whole song and dance
To be honest, whenever I hear someone say "I feel like...", I immediately distrust what they say next. I feel like that phrase usually leads into them citing some anecdotal evidence or some obvious confirmation bias.
But who really knows. I haven't seen the data on that.
Try to mitigate, and suddenly you're untrustworthy. Further, there's really nothing wrong with well deployed anecdotal evidence. Obviously, it's situational, but there is a long tradition of evidence of experience being used to prove what really cannot be otherwise proven, because, y'know, the world is a complex place. Personally, I feel like (heh) sometimes we are too reliant on data; if someone says "here's data!", too many people accept it without digging into that data, into the methods, into the holes. I'm a researcher. I know how flawed data can be. I know how it can be manipulated.
Even more importantly stop overusing "to be." "To be" is a statement of fact and true facts rarely exist and you more often use "to be" to pass an opinion off as something more concrete. Removing "to be" adds accuracy to statements and makes you more truthful. Even if people constantly used "I feel" they would make massive improvements in communication because you tend to feel or think but almost never factualize.
I fall much closer to this, honestly. I find the old calls for an English-prime removing "to be" from the language a little silly but there's merit at the base. So often we insist on what is, but we're speaking from our experiences.
We need a good balance between considering data, considering larger views, empathy, and the personal. But, I mean, that's basically just saying "we need to be better, smarter humans."
eta: some extra posts happened while I was typing. It's funny how different forms of "I think" or "I feel" can produce different results. Like in Spaced Harrier's situation: what if you'd said "Should we consider x?" What would have happened then, I wonder?
I use "I feel like" to express that I have a sense that something is true but I don't trust that sense enough to actually believe whatever-it-is. It's a useful way to bring up an idea for discussion that you want to hear opinions on but which you're not ready to declare yourself for or against.
For example, I don't follow video game business news very closely. Sometimes news will get mentioned in mod chat. I might react by saying something like: "I feel like this is a bad move for Nintendo because..." What I want is for someone who pays more attention to this stuff to explain why my intuition is right or wrong.
I also use it if I'm talking to someone who I have strong disagreements with as a way of softening the impact of a statement. It invites talking about whatever-it-is rather than a shouting match - it's less likely to offend. Contra- the article, I think it makes it much easier for people to express reasonable disagreement because it's a much weaker way of identifying yourself with a position.
I used "I think..." in an e-mail to a high level manager in our client shortly after I got my last position, a combined subject expert and semi-managerial role.
She contacted my global manager and basically said I appeared to not know anything that I was talking about. Like, eviscerated me.
Thankfully he let me know about it, completly saw that I was "being polite" and gave me some advice to avoid such phrasing again.
It really sucks that people desire others to present themselves with 100% confidence when 100% accuracy is generally impossible to achieve. But I get it. People who contract experts want the experts to do the thinking and alleviate their doubts. But reacting to "I think" in such a big way is pretty lame.
I understand where that article is coming from, but usually i think people say "i feel" not as a trump card that means "you can't prove me wrong" but as an admission of the issue being highly subjective and rather than saying "you can't prove me wrong" it's more like "neither of us is wrong due to the subjective nature of the issue at hand".
I think demonizing the fact that issues might be subjective and thus it's not a "win/lose" situation comes from subjectivity making people uncomfortable because deep down people want to feel the rush of "winning" a discussion or feeling validated, which is something that doesn't happen when the issue is subjective, saying "i think" reasonably it's not someone trying to trump you so they "win", it's just admitting the situation is a matter of taste.
When people use "I think" it usually doesn't immediately expresses that the matter is one of subjectivity even tho it totally is, because "i think" is not about hard facts either, but rather a rationalization coming from experience and information at hand and sometime anecdotes.
I use "I feel like" when I talk to people who get easily outraged because then they can't spin it as what I'm saying is irrefutable, especially because I likely don't have the objective evidence immediately before me. It doesn't necessarily halt the conservation, but I do feel like I'm putting on kid gloves.
I used to use "I think" exclusively, but listeners sometimes got defensive, as if I was going on the attack by stating my thoughts. So now I use "I feel" unless I'm around people who I know don't mind unequivocal statements. I do sometimes portray weakness/lack of confidence, even when I'm actually very confident I'm right. Seminars are exactly the scenario where I would do that.
I actually often use "I feel like" here on this forum to make sure it's obvious I'm just saying my opinion and not trying to present it as fact or as a way to offend someone.
I always use "I feel like" when I'm giving an opinion that is based on my experience and not on science (like statistically significant data).
If I know I'm correct i'll just comment "normally"
I find it fascinating to see how people explain their use of these phrases here, because y'all are also explaining your assumptions in how those phrases will be read. I think we can see how the seeds of misunderstanding and argument are planted. Not because anyone's doing anything bad, but just because we're all working from different perspectives (obvious statement is obvious, but it's like, here's proof!).
As a woman often negotiating male-dominated spaces, this is definitely a tactic I recognize as being often used when one does not want to seem overly critical or demanding -- qualities women can't sometimes exhibit (see also: coverage of HRC throughout the election). If we assert, we are strident, we are bitchy, we are overbearing. Etc.
That's more or less what It seems like to me (tho I don't present as a woman yet so idk why)
I've had a lot of issues with my dad and teachers when I state something as a fact or with "I think". It ends up with them completely trying to put me down with troll logic or criticizing me personally. With "I feel/I feel like" the worst I get is to just be ignored which really isn't that bad all things considered
I have to try to be diplomatic and compromise in a lot of situations because for whatever reason many people don't seem to take me seriously and it's easier to make someone think they came up with it on their own than for them to acknowledge the thing I said as correct or at least possible
I disagree with the original article. "I feel like" has no barring for anyone who does not take your personal experiences at face value. It's just about not being intimidated by that.
I feel that things are this way because of personal experience.
I think that things are tis way because of personal experience.
Doesn't really have a difference if the intent is the give yourself levy by using your personal experience as a shield. My take is that you feelings are the only thing you have. So let them now that you're feeling someone. We're arguing if the data is supposed to be analyzed in this manner and saying you feel this or that leaves it open for other people to know that you have a belief that swings in one direction.
Think or feel matters little by itself. They are endlessly worded and mean different things depending on how you use them.
With that being said, I am completely open to the idea that there could be a correlation between the usage of "I feel" and people who try to shut down others via their own experiences.
If you really want to aim at the sinister type of argumentation types, look at the arguments where they will post an anecdotal example that is disturbing and them frame it as true. I see this being used in pro-life discussions quite effectively. Throw out a terrible case where somebody misused their abortion rights, slap a graphic horror story onto it and then angle it like that there will be more of this.
Then spend the rest of the thread attacking people who won't focus on this trap you've set out.
The use of anecdotes with disturbing imaginary or statements is a much more sinister way to shame and rouse people into agreeing with them. Once you find that poster flag for your cause, then reign and make bank on this so everyone who disagrees with you for other reasons, are put in the camp of being okay with the disturbing imaginary and statements. It fits well into the whole "you're with us or against it" or a cunty little golden mead bitch.
I don't want to be responsible for ruining someone's life by giving bad advice. So I usually preface my answers with one of those two so they don't put me on their kill list when their life goes to shit.
I use "I feel like" to express that I have a sense that something is true but I don't trust that sense enough to actually believe whatever-it-is. It's a useful way to bring up an idea for discussion that you want to hear opinions on but which you're not ready to declare yourself for or against.
For example, I don't follow video game business news very closely. Sometimes news will get mentioned in mod chat. I might react by saying something like: "I feel like this is a bad move for Nintendo because..." What I want is for someone who pays more attention to this stuff to explain why my intuition is right or wrong.
I also use it if I'm talking to someone who I have strong disagreements with as a way of softening the impact of a statement. It invites talking about whatever-it-is rather than a shouting match - it's less likely to offend. Contra- the article, I think it makes it much easier for people to express reasonable disagreement because it's a much weaker way of identifying yourself with a position.
This pretty much how I use it. Its situational and using "feel" over think makes sense as outlined above. Also if you listen to how the person your talking to speaks and if they use "feel" or "think" disproportionately more you can get an idea of what modality they use more often for judgment and general decision making.
What you than do is mirror back your communication using language that is aligned with their primary modality. So for example if the use "feeling" based language more in their communication, I'll do the same, (I feel, felt, in the gut, mad my stomach, etc)
Its a subtle layer of rapport building to add with other communication tactics (other methods of mirroring, body language, etc.) Unconscious communication is where trust and rapport is built.
This pretty much how I use it. Its situational and using "feel" over think makes sense as outlined above. Also if you listen to how the person your talking to speaks and if they use "feel" or "think" disproportionately more you can get an idea of what modality they use more often for judgment and general decision making.
I think caution is required here due to the reasons Misha and I laid out. I might say this more often than other forms, based on the situation, but it's not necessarily reflective of my personal behavior. It's only a reflection of my read of the situation.
I find it fascinating to see how people explain their use of these phrases here, because y'all are also explaining your assumptions in how those phrases will be read. I think we can see how the seeds of misunderstanding and argument are planted. Not because anyone's doing anything bad, but just because we're all working from different perspectives (obvious statement is obvious, but it's like, here's proof!).
Yes, it is interesting. When I use the phrase "I feel like..." I'm either making it clear I'm not sure about something, or I'm using it sarcastically before escalating an argument. Like I might say: "Hmm... I feel like I've heard that somewhere before..." then show them how they sound like Hitler. Or point out blatant plagerism. Or both, for example.
I used to use "I think" exclusively, but listeners sometimes got defensive, as if I was going on the attack by stating my thoughts. So now I use "I feel" unless I'm around people who I know don't mind unequivocal statements. I do sometimes portray weakness/lack of confidence, even when I'm actually very confident I'm right. Seminars are exactly the scenario where I would do that.
I find it fascinating to see how people explain their use of these phrases here, because y'all are also explaining your assumptions in how those phrases will be read. I think we can see how the seeds of misunderstanding and argument are planted. Not because anyone's doing anything bad, but just because we're all working from different perspectives (obvious statement is obvious, but it's like, here's proof!).
I've only ever used I feel when having a personal conversation. I think is pretty much the standard in casual talk. People know what you mean, and if they don't perhaps the point hasn't been made entirely clear in the first place. But then of course English is the screwiest language on the planet, so YMMV.
I used to use a lot of qualifiers because I lacked confidence, these days I try to root out that habit. It is hard to break, many times I type it without thinking before I proofread.
I never use "I feel like." Not for any other reason that I noticed the frequency of the phrase being used has exploded over the past couple of years, and it's just annoying. Say what you mean!
I feel like I feel like is better than I think, I think.
On a more serious note, "I feel like" sounds more confident to me than "I think". Not sure what it is, maybe because both could be translated differently to my native language.
This is funny because generally speaking, I use "I feel" to express an intuition I either don't feel qualified to properly argue or isn't completely coalesced yet. If anything, when I say this I hope people will bring more analytic elements to help that intuition solidify or disperse it.
What a coincidence. I've recently realized that I say "I feel like...." often. It doesn't really mean anything to me. Just starts off my opinions pretty much. I don't see the problem?
For example:
"I feel like Donald Trump imagines himself to be this person that he is not"
VS.
"Donald Trump imagines himself to be this person that he is not"
What's the issue with starting my sentence with "I feel like" when I'm letting off a tweet or having a conversation?
To be honest, whenever I hear someone say "I feel like...", I immediately distrust what they say next. I feel like that phrase usually leads into them citing some anecdotal evidence or some obvious confirmation bias.
But who really knows. I haven't seen the data on that.
Saying "I feel like" destroy one's credibility. It highlights lack of confidence. Someone that wants to take credit when they are correct, and avoid responsibilities if they are wrong.
No, it just demonstrates a lack of knowledge. By itself anyway. I say "I feel like" all the time, but I always attach a qualifier to my statement to indicate the circumstances for using it or that we need to look into getting a certain answer (particularly at work).
The only time I say "I feel" is when I'm having an argument with my girlfriend, because she prefers to communicate feelings that way. For all other cases, I say "I think" because it's what I think.
If it's wrong then prove me wrong.
Also I have a huge issue with "well that's your opinion."
No sir, not in my book. Some opinions are just plain stupid and they must be argued against to dispel ignorance.
"I feel like" is a confession of one's statement coming from an emotional state, and leaves room that one could be wrong. It's a confession of a tentative opinion, amenable to argument.
"I think" is a confession that you think your statement flows from logic.
To be honest, whenever I hear someone say "I feel like...", I immediately distrust what they say next. I feel like that phrase usually leads into them citing some anecdotal evidence or some obvious confirmation bias.
But who really knows. I haven't seen the data on that.
"I feel like" is a confession of one's statement coming from an emotional state, and leaves room that one could be wrong. It's a confession of a tentative opinion, amenable to argument.
I had a tutor in university who would mark people down for writing "I feel like" and would call students out on saying it in person.
"I don't care what you feel, I care what you think and why you think that way".
