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Dating Age |OT$6| Just ask her out already

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You should read this book:

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It even has a nice passage on issues you've mentioned - anxiety, OCD, personality disorder, etc. I highly recommend reading the whole book though. It certainly got my head straight.

Speed read it as stop convincing yourself you have a "condition" and realise everyone has issues to various level and are good at not sharing, ignoring or compensating. Screw it just do it, until it works out for you.
 

Llyranor

Member
I'm seeing other people although no one consistently. I told her she is free to do the same, but she refuses to do so.

I'm hung up on committing to her, but I am genuinely not sure if it's my parents messing with my head, or if it's something I genuinely don't want to do. When I'm with her, stuff is amazing. When I'm not, I miss her, but also look forward to meeting other women. To be honest, I'm just not fully in touch with what I want.

I guess I want to know why I don't want to commit with her: is it out of fear of the future due to my family or because I genuinely have doubts about things just because of how I feel about her, regardless of my upbringing?

It's important for me to figure this out before I make any decision, even if that decision is to end things so that I could avoid repeating any mistakes. But I guess I'm leaning towards ending it at this point... which sucks. Most guys would kill to get with this girl. Heck, I would've killed to get with her too before I got her. And she's been a total sweetheart. But the lack of certainty is just too much.

I think I'm just in denial of what I'm really looking for... which is probably more in line with what my parents expect out of me.

Nothing in life is certain.

But this sort of one-sided open relationship may not last longterm if she doesn't like the agreement. She may put up with it now, but she may get fed it with it at some point and you will lose her. I know I'd end it after 5 months in her shoes.

And parents being in the way will also be problematic. She will not want to play second-fiddle to your parents' prejudices.

If you want to have your cake and eat it too, you run the risk of losing her. If it works for now, fine, but for how long?
 

Peltz

Member
Nothing in life is certain.

But this sort of one-sided open relationship may not last longterm if she doesn't like the agreement. She may put up with it now, but she may get fed it with it at some point and you will lose her. I know I'd end it after 5 months in her shoes.

And parents being in the way will also be problematic. She will not want to play second-fiddle to your parents' prejudices.

If you want to have your cake and eat it too, you run the risk of losing her. If it works for now, fine, but for how long?

Not much longer, I'd estimate.

Speed read it as stop convincing yourself you have a "condition" and realise everyone has issues to various level and are good at not sharing, ignoring or compensating. Screw it just do it, until it works out for you.

Pretty much. I wouldn't speed read it though. It's so short you could probably finish it in a day or two.

I can't, don't want to fuck this up, this woman is legit wife material. I never think about marriage, but she is top fucking tier. But perhaps I just should relax a bit. If she didn't want a second date, we wouldn't have planned a second date.

You've been on one date and want to marry her... sounds like you'll definitely not fuck this up.
 
I can't, don't want to fuck this up, this woman is legit wife material. I never think about marriage, but she is top fucking tier. But perhaps I just should relax a bit. If she didn't want a second date, we wouldn't have planned a second date.

2nd date, wife material. Dial it way, way, way back guy and stop putting her on a pedestal. That's the path to fucking it up already.
 

FyreWulff

Member
I can't, don't want to fuck this up, this woman is legit wife material. I never think about marriage, but she is top fucking tier. But perhaps I just should relax a bit. If she didn't want a second date, we wouldn't have planned a second date.

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dating someone is different than having to live with that someone. slow it down.
 
I can't, don't want to fuck this up, this woman is legit wife material. I never think about marriage, but she is top fucking tier. But perhaps I just should relax a bit. If she didn't want a second date, we wouldn't have planned a second date.
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Slow your roll, dude! If you jump ahead like this and get rejected later on, you're gonna have one hell of a heartbreak. Don't emotionally overinvest this early.
 
2nd date, wife material. Dial it way, way, way back guy and stop putting her on a pedestal. That's the path to fucking it up already.
True. She just seems to have all of her ducks in a row and I'm really impressed by this. I've met a good amount of...well effing crazy people so it's nice to meet somebody that's different.
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Slow your roll, dude! If you jump ahead like this and get rejected later on, you're gonna have one hell of a heartbreak. Don't emotionally overinvest this early.
Yup...that's one of my biggest problems. I actually told myself that it would hurt too.
You've been on one date and want to marry her... sounds like you'll definitely not fuck this up.
I guess the best way to put it is that I would not mind if it got to that point in a few years. I'm not shopping for rings yet though for example. But yeah I have to calm the fuck down a bit.
 

Peltz

Member
True. She just seems to have all of her ducks in a row and I'm really impressed by this. I've met a good amount of...well effing crazy people so it's nice to meet somebody that's different.

How the fuck could you even know that beyond the most superficial of levels?

Spoiler:
You can't.

Have some higher standards for yourself and more discerning taste for others.
 
How the fuck could you even know that beyond the most superficial of levels?

Spoiler:
You can't.

Have some higher standards for yourself and more discerning taste for others.
Excellent job, successful in her career not a fucking basket case, intelligent, sweet and cute. She's not perfect and I know this already. She's just got it a lot more together than a lot of women I've tried to date and got more going for her than my ex.
 
You don't know that she's not crazy yet.
I have dealt with introverted and "this woman is cray cray" introverted. She doesn't seem to be the later cause she seems as of now emotionally independent from her mom, not living at home, has a job, functions very well in her job and manages people, which I'm assuming based on what I know about her job. She didn't tell me about having to pop a Xanex or something. I'll play it by ear of course and yeah I don't 100% know how she thinks about things, but she doesn't strike me as dangerous to either herself or me, which I've had to deal with, it ain't pretty. She just seems as of now Introverted in a don't drain all my energy sort of way.
 
Excellent job, successful in her career not a fucking basket case, intelligent, sweet and cute. She's not perfect and I know this already. She's just got it a lot more together than a lot of women I've tried to date and got more going for her than my ex.

This is a copy pasta about my first wife? Or more tellingly "a lot of women I'VE TRIED" to date, and is your ex your only serious relationship that your using as a yardstick?

One date
She's already asked you to back off on the texting.

Perspective please.
 

Leeness

Member
You should read this book:
It even has a nice passage on issues you've mentioned - anxiety, OCD, personality disorder, etc. I highly recommend reading the whole book though. It certainly got my head straight.

Haha I think I'm waaaaay past that. I have about a thousand books on how to be "okay" and none of them work. But I will give it a quick read. Thanks for the recommendation.
 
This is a copy pasta about my first wife? Or more tellingly "a lot of women I'VE TRIED" to date, and is your ex your only serious relationship that your using as a yardstick?

One date
She's already asked you to back off on the texting.

Perspective please.
Well the texting thing...I'm pretty sure is more my fault than hers, I can text a lot and I'm pretty sure that would be annoying, wasn't even mad when she said that cause she could have just ghosted me for it. I'd rather know what her hang ups are so I can try to adjust to them instead of blindly walk on land mines. Yes my ex was my first real relationship. Lasted 14 months. I don't think the last 6 weeks of that went well cause there was a lot of stuff going on putting a huge strain on the relationship.
 

Dreavus

Member
Hey guys and gals. I've only posted a handful of times in the thread but just wanted to pop in and say thanks for some of the general advice. In particular, the "use the word date" business when asking someone out. It's actually saved me a bit of a headache just recently where the person was happy to make plans, but as soon as I literally said the word date things changed a little and there was more communication about where everyone's feelings were at. From the sound of things it's probably not going anywhere in this particular case, but it feels good to know pretty precisely where things stand.
 
Well the texting thing...I'm pretty sure is more my fault than hers, I can text a lot and I'm pretty sure that would be annoying, wasn't even mad when she said that cause she could have just ghosted me for it. I'd rather know what her hang ups are so I can try to adjust to them instead of blindly walk on land mines. Yes my ex was my first real relationship. Lasted 14 months. I don't think the last 6 weeks of that went well cause there was a lot of stuff going on putting a huge strain on the relationship.

What I was referring to was you being overly keen not that she was cray asking you to tone it down.
 

Peltz

Member
Excellent job, successful in her career not a fucking basket case, intelligent, sweet and cute. She's not perfect and I know this already. She's just got it a lot more together than a lot of women I've tried to date and got more going for her than my ex.


I have dealt with introverted and "this woman is cray cray" introverted. She doesn't seem to be the later cause she seems as of now emotionally independent from her mom, not living at home, has a job, functions very well in her job and manages people, which I'm assuming based on what I know about her job. She didn't tell me about having to pop a Xanex or something. I'll play it by ear of course and yeah I don't 100% know how she thinks about things, but she doesn't strike me as dangerous to either herself or me, which I've had to deal with, it ain't pretty. She just seems as of now Introverted in a don't drain all my energy sort of way.

Smart, cute, employed, and not a danger to herself or others = wife material?
 
I'm hung up on committing to her, but I am genuinely not sure if it's my parents messing with my head, or if it's something I genuinely don't want to do. When I'm with her, stuff is amazing. When I'm not, I miss her, but also look forward to meeting other women. To be honest, I'm just not fully in touch with what I want.

I guess I want to know why I don't want to commit with her: is it out of fear of the future due to my family or because I genuinely have doubts about things just because of how I feel about her, regardless of my upbringing?

You're being very honest with her and yourself. But... From the outside... Looks like she just doesn't get your emotional rocks off man. You know what to do. This isn't about your family methinks. I've broken up with women I've truly loved because I can't project them into my future. Find someone you can't live without.
 

Peltz

Member
You're being very honest with her and yourself. But... From the outside... Looks like she just doesn't get your emotional rocks off man. You know what to do. This isn't about your family methinks. I've broken up with women I've truly loved because I can't project them into my future. Find someone you can't live without.

I think you're right. Thanks.

I do love her, but love isn't necessarily enough for a committed relationship.
 

Peltz

Member
Emotional love develops over time. Be open to the idea
that it's you, not her, that is the problem. I am already anticipating posts where you indicate regret over leaving her, well after the fact.

Source: me.
Me too, me too. Don't worry, I'm not rushing into this decision. But there's always going to be some regret ending things. It's just the name of the game.

Breakups suck. I'm not breaking up with her immediately though. I'm going to be deliberate and not make any decisions without careful thought.
 
Emotional love develops over time. Be open to the idea
that it's you, not her, that is the problem. I am already anticipating posts where you indicate regret over leaving her, well after the fact.

Source: me.

Yep, he's gonna regret it, and for awhile. The love that is on the table for him now is warm, tender, and dedicated. That is boring for some people, like me 4 years ago. I broke up with it and got burned hard as fuck for years because I wanted sonething else.

Source: also me
 

vitacola

Member
I was wondering, what are the opinions on the company's ink in here?

I never actually thought that people linked things like their Spotify account to their dating profiles. Does that help in any way? I personally couldn't see someone messaging me to say,

"Hi, MB, I was about to pass up on your profile but then I noticed that you liked listening to military marches, klezmer music and Vocaloid. Let's go out!"

But maybe that's the secret weapon.
Actually I swiped left a lot because of the stupid music some girls listened to. But maybe that's only me *shrug*
 
What I was referring to was you being overly keen not that she was cray asking you to tone it down.
I will admit to having attachment issues. I should do my best to tone it down a bit. It does get pretty bad.
Smart, cute, employed, and not a danger to herself or others = wife material?
I guess compared to some of the shit I've dealt with. I guess to put it more realistically I like her enough not to really be in the mood to try to pursue other women. I swear at this point I'm going to wind up a GAF meme or something.
 
I will admit to having attachment issues. I should do my best to tone it down a bit. It does get pretty bad.

I guess compared to some of the shit I've dealt with.

I understand where you are coming from. Finding someone new is super exciting. Don't let yourself NOT feel those things , just don't let them affect how you interact with her and other people. Lock that stuff away until you know there is something mutual there :)
 

vitacola

Member
You pass on a girl because she likes a song you don't?
Yes, if it is something like this. Why shouldn't I? In the end it's a part of a profile where the person in question presents their character to possible partners. You probably would pass on somebody if they wrote something in their profile you can't agree with. For me, it's just the same.
 
I understand where you are coming from. Finding someone new is super exciting. Don't let yourself NOT feel those things , just don't let them affect how you interact with her and other people. Lock that stuff away until you know there is something mutual there :)
My last date was July of 2016, broke up with my ex a month before that. I hated my last date. I think the fact that I went awhile without feeling anything and enjoyed the date so much that I probably am...over feeling a bit? I reacted pretty positively to it so I guess I just can't wait for more of it. Just hope I don't tackle hug the little woman out of excitement. I'm fully aware of the fact that nobody is perfect, I guess I'm just looking for acceptably flawed and as of right now she pretty acceptable, not settling, I do have standards.
Only if your foolish enough to make a stand alone topic on your relationship. It's kind of Switzerland in here but the last couple of pages have been interesting. Nobody thinks to click on the dating age OT.
I probably should have a long time ago, I'm a bit of a mess dating wise, so I guess I came in here for hard feedback cause...whelp I guess I want a third date...unless she's throws a plate of food at me on Saturday.
 

animax

Member
I like her enough not to really be in the mood to try to pursue other women

You can't (and shouldn't) make that call after one date, it's just too early. This could go any number of ways and the outcome you want (dating her long term) is probably the least likely outcome.

Just chill. Allow things to happen (or not happen) naturally. And don't give yourselves nicknames so soon. Get other dates lined up with other women, even if you're not too pushed.
 
You can't (and shouldn't) make that call after one date, it's just too early. This could go any number of ways and the outcome you want (dating her long term) is probably the least likely outcome.

Just chill. Allow things to happen (or not happen) naturally. And don't give yourselves nicknames so soon. Get other dates lined up with other women, even if you're not too pushed.
other dates? Umm my last date was July of 2016 I know where I stand in the dating game. Haven't had a "second date" since probably 2015. I will agree that I should just chill the fuck out though before I give myself a heart attack or something.
 
My last date was July of 2016, broke up with my ex a month before that. I hated my last date. I think the fact that I went awhile without feeling anything and enjoyed the date so much that I probably am...over feeling a bit? I reacted pretty positively to it so I guess I just can't wait for more of it. Just hope I don't tackle hug the little woman out of excitement. I'm fully aware of the fact that nobody is perfect, I guess I'm just looking for acceptably flawed and as of right now she pretty acceptable, not settling, I do have standards.

I probably should have a long time ago, I'm a bit of a mess dating wise, so I guess I came in here for hard feedback cause...whelp I guess I want a third date...unless she's throws a plate of food at me on Saturday.

Bolded for truth. It's good you notice that, it's the first step in changing your behavior! The rain is gone and the clouds have parted. The fact you are enjoying yourself so much means you want this (dating people) to truly work. It bodes well for your future love life. Keep looking for more dates in the mean time, dont count all your chickens, and the more people you meet in romantic and non-romantic scenerios, the more you'll be able to temper this excitement.
 
Yes, if it is something like this. Why shouldn't I?

Not saying you shouldn't, I'm saying it's dumb.

In the end it's a part of a profile where the person in question presents their character to possible partners.

My character evaluation skills need work. I'm not able to tell all these things about someone from a song.

You probably would pass on somebody if they wrote something in their profile you can't agree with. For me, it's just the same.

Yeah, true. I pass on things like "I just want friendship", or "no black guys". This is pretty similar to those I agree.
 

Peltz

Member
JadedWriter wants a commitment/has found wife material after 1 date, and I am still unsure after 5 months.

We've pretty much covered the full spectrum of dating on this page.
 
Bolded for truth. It's good you notice that, it's the first step in changing your behavior! The rain is gone and the clouds have parted. The fact you are enjoying yourself so much means you want this (dating people) to truly work. It bodes well for your future love life. Keep looking for more dates in the mean time, dont count all your chickens, and the more people you meet in romantic and non-romantic scenerios, the more you'll be able to temper this excitement.
I usually wait a bit to see how everything goes. I mean if she pisses me off I'll bail and figure something else out, but I really try not to date too many women at the same time. I've had enough female friends to have a decent enough read on what I don't really like. I have liked her enough to want to see her again so I'm perfectly fine with that sentiment.
JadedWriter wants a commitment/has found wife material after 1 date, and I am still unsure after 5 months.

We've pretty much covered the full spectrum of dating on this page.
I have hit meme tier confirmed lol.
 

Salamando

Member
I used to write off women for things as stupid as song likes until I dated one who was incredibly pretty. We had amazing chemistry, where some of the girls whose looked perfect on paper floundered.

Lesson learned: Major personality aspects matter (not racist, didn't vote for Trump). Everything else has some room to work with.
 
I used to write off women for things as stupid as song likes until I dated one who was incredibly pretty. We had amazing chemistry, where some of the girls whose looked perfect on paper floundered.

Lesson learned: Major personality aspects matter (not racist, didn't vote for Trump). Everything else has some room to work with.
I'm used to being written off cause I'm either black, too short, not rich or some other non sense. She's probably been written off for some shit too, people are fickle. I guess I'd rather just try putting work into the current woman instead of wasting my time finding other women that most likely wouldn't want anything to do with me any way. I don't think we have everything in common, but if we can make something work then that's what matters to me. I found my ex to be all kinds of ignorant and insecure, still loved her and got 14 months out of it. Granted when we broke up, well we pretty much just had to break up. Got really tired of her putting her parents before me and almost leaving me in a situation where I could have become homeless. I got patience, but that was the last straw.
 

Kevtones

Member
JadedWriter chill out man. It's been one date. Most of us, even after GREAT first dates, take it easy and say 'had a good date' and let it flow.


1) did you kiss on the first date?
2) did you sleep together on the first date?
3) did you meet her friends?
4) did you meet her family?
5) were you able to know how she handles conflict and tension first-hand?
6) did she showcase her emotional health beneath the surface?
7) did you talk about children?
8) did you talk about long term goals?

Maybe if you can do all the above, then you'll develop a liking for her and see some potential in pursuing a relationship.
 
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