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Anybody else Autistic and have trouble meeting people?

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M

Maaaaaardy

Member
Just generally wondering, meeting people in general I find rather tough however dating is a nightmare. I'm not "badly" on the spectrum, I work and have a good relationship with people I work alongside, I just struggle to meet people and form relationships quickly. I struggle approaching and talking to people in general however women is just a challenge at the best of times. However, I do feel confident enough now to start dating but the issue has turned into meeting women. I do suffer with anxiety, so approaching people to meet them is awful, I don't drink so nights out are a bit of a no go and pubs/bars are also quite a scary prospect.

Essentially, i'm just looking for support with people who are in a similar boat haha. Well...is there?
 
H

Huw_Dawson

Member
There are plenty of AS people on GAF, including me.

It is really hard to socialise sometimes. You should join a club or society first to get used to talking environments. If a friend can introduce you to one, more's the better. From there, grind out your confidence in social interactions until it doesn't cause you to panic. Easier said than done, but I think that's the jist of it.
 
H

HStallion

Now what's the next step in your master plan?
I'm not sure where I technically stand but I was diagnosed with Aspergers in High School. I had a lot of issues growing up with acting out and not fitting and generally considered weird or strange.

I really didn't get my act together until college and even then several years in. I was on my own and surrounded by a lot of other people trying to figure out who they are. That really helped but it was a sink or swim moment for my life, I could have easily went the other way and isolated myself instead of opening up and adapting and learning.

There isn't an easy answer really as a lot of people think they understand the difficulty autism spectrum, even lesser cases like mine, have just dealing with people.

Faces for me are just intense, eyes even worse. I probably won't look a lot of people, especially intense or overbearing folks. It takes me months sometime to acclimate to people and get comfortable enough with them RI act more "normal".

People with autism tend to be pretty good at specific things and I find you should use that to meet people. I love building things so I work in entertainment building sets, props, lighting etc. And I don't have to deal with an abrasive and overwhelming public.

Also I'm lucky in that I'm pretty astute and funny. I use humor to break the ice a lot of time but I can also get carried away and let it act like a shield. People know me better as that funny guy than who I actually am.

So its a constant balancing act of trying to adapt to new situations and people.
 
M

Maaaaaardy

Member
HStallion said:
I'm not sure where I technically stand but I was diagnosed with Aspergers in High School. I had a lot of issues growing up with acting out and not fitting and generally considered weird or strange.

I really didn't get my act together until college and even then several years in. I was on my own and surrounded by a lot of other people trying to figure out who they are. That really helped but it was a sink or swim moment for my life, I could have easily went the other way and isolated myself instead of opening up and adapting and learning.

There isn't an easy answer really as a lot of people think they understand the difficulty autism spectrum, even lesser cases like mine, have just dealing with people.

Faces for me are just intense, eyes even worse. I probably won't look a lot of people, especially intense or overbearing folks. It takes me months sometime to acclimate to people and get comfortable enough with them RI act more "normal".

People with autism tend to be pretty good at specific things and I find you should use that to meet people. I love building things so I work in entertainment building sets, props, lighting etc. And I don't have to deal with an abrasive and overwhelming public.

Also I'm lucky in that I'm pretty astute and funny. I use humor to break the ice a lot of time but I can also get carried away and let it act like a shield. People know me better as that funny guy than who I actually am.

So its a constant balancing act of trying to adapt to new situations and people.
Click to expand...

Aspergers is what I have, although Aspergers has been wiped out as a diagnosis now and we're known as Autistic. Didn't find that out until the other day, thought it was quite interesting haha. Yeah, I play golf, and due to that I am much better in social situations...it's just women. Like, I literally just cannot do it. And I hate it, because if I got through the initial bit I think i'd be fine. I think i'm a lot better. If I got to a date, I would be fine. I'm chatty now, and can hold a conversation...at least I think I can haha.
 
C

Ceej

Member
Yes! It's been really frustrating. Because when I do meet -the right- people, it's awesome. My best times were as an undergrad once everyone knew me... problem was it took me about 2 years to open up and say anything. Now that I'm in grad school I feel like I'm starting from zero, and all of the hard work I did being social is for nothing. Plus I don't know how to maintain my previous relationships outside facebook because I don't have a reference for it: it's not something you can watch other people do. I don't know when to text someone and what about without it being weird.

I just want to not be awkward in the beginning and grad school is social by default. Just last night we had a recruitment event which was really a social event and I really struggle with knowing how to mingle, where I should be going, who to talk to about what. I always worry that people will "know" I'm weird, even though it's often shocking to most people and most of the time I can pull off "normal". Sorry for the downer it's just been frustrating thinking I had figured things out.
 
M

Maaaaaardy

Member
Ceej said:
Yes! It's been really frustrating. Because when I do meet -the right- people, it's awesome. My best times were as an undergrad once everyone knew me... problem was it took me about 2 years to open up and say anything. Now that I'm in grad school I feel like I'm starting from zero, and all of the hard work I did being social is for nothing. Plus I don't know how to maintain my previous relationships outside facebook because I don't have a reference for it: it's not something you can watch other people do. I don't know when to text someone and what about without it being weird.

I just want to not be awkward in the beginning and grad school is social by default. Just last night we had a recruitment event which was really a social event and I really struggle with knowing how to mingle, where I should be going, who to talk to about what. I always worry that people will "know" I'm weird, even though it's often shocking to most people and most of the time I can pull off "normal". Sorry for the downer it's just been frustrating thinking I had figured things out.
Click to expand...

Not at all man! You know, don't be disheartened. I am in the exact same position as you are. But, although i'm single and this is what's downing me a little, I do love work (I teach) and I do have a great bunch of friends now. Things get better man!

Do we have an Autistic lifestyle/support thread in OT Community? I did search but didn't see anything. We totally should :) Us "aspie's" should stick together.
 
H

HStallion

Now what's the next step in your master plan?
Maaaaaardy said:
Aspergers is what I have, although Aspergers has been wiped out as a diagnosis now and we're known as Autistic. Didn't find that out until the other day, thought it was quite interesting haha. Yeah, I play golf, and due to that I am much better in social situations...it's just women. Like, I literally just cannot do it. And I hate it, because if I got through the initial bit I think i'd be fine. I think i'm a lot better. If I got to a date, I would be fine. I'm chatty now, and can hold a conversation...at least I think I can haha.
Click to expand...

Have you tried online dating? I've had far more luck with that since I can take my time to think and write out my responses and it doesn't rely on body language which I have issues reading and vice versa people might read me wrong or judge me harsh on averting my gaze.
 
M

MrSaturn99

Member
Aspie here. It's hard as hell and while I'm not nearly as bad as I was years ago, it could be a lot better. Currently I have a reputation of being creepy in my Japanese class, although it's mainly just two girls who I think misinterpret my conversation starters/sense of humor.

Tonight, I'll be attending the bachelor party of one of my best friends growing up. Both he and his brother (who I was even closer with) have been ignoring my messages for some time; tonight will be the night to prove I matter to them. It's at Dave and Buster's so the festive atmosphere might help some, but I'm scared they'll blow me off. I've had tremendously awful luck with friends for the past four years.
 
M

Maaaaaardy

Member
MrSaturn99 said:
Aspie here. It's hard as hell and while I'm not nearly as bad as I was years ago, it could be a lot better. Currently I have a reputation of being creepy in my Japanese class, although it's mainly just two girls who I think misinterpret my conversation starters/sense of humor.

Tonight, I'll be attending the bachelor party of one of my best friends growing up. Both he and his brother (who I was even closer with) have been ignoring my messages for some time; tonight will be the night to prove I matter to them. It's at Dave and Buster's so the festive atmosphere might help some, but I'm scared they'll blow me off. I've had tremendously awful luck with friends for the past four years.
Click to expand...

Dude, if people are such dicks they ignore you, don't attend their party. Fuck them, you deserve better than trying for some arrogant idiots!
 
J

jb1234

Member
Yeah, I have Asperger's. It's gotten easier to cope with as I've aged (I'm 35 now), to the point where people often are surprised when I tell them I have it. But I still struggle a great deal with anxiety around people, an extreme fixation with a schedule (and man, does the anxiety go WAY up if anything changes the schedule) and obsessive tendencies (like needing to randomly smell stuff). I have *great* friends (mostly long distance, alas) which helps a lot but socializing doesn't come easy, especially with strangers.

I also immediately shut down if I detect that someone is upset with me. I can't handle conflict at all.
 
H

HStallion

Now what's the next step in your master plan?
MrSaturn99 said:
Aspie here. It's hard as hell and while I'm not nearly as bad as I was years ago, it could be a lot better. Currently I have a reputation of being creepy in my Japanese class, although it's mainly just two girls who I think misinterpret my conversation starters/sense of humor.

Tonight, I'll be attending the bachelor party of one of my best friends growing up. Both he and his brother (who I was even closer with) have been ignoring my messages for some time; tonight will be the night to prove I matter to them. It's at Dave and Buster's so the festive atmosphere might help some, but I'm scared they'll blow me off. I've had tremendously awful luck with friends for the past four years.
Click to expand...

Don't take this the wrong way but I find that people tend to be turned off by things like "proving you matter to them". It comes off as to intense and direct or even a little desperate.

Now do go to the party and have a good time but just take it easy and remember the party b is about another guys last single hurrah. Just go along for the ride, pay for some drinks and maybe a dance from a stripper.

I know I tend to over think the simplest things and go in on something way too hard or fast and achieve the exact opposite results. I've lost a few relationships this way as even though you have good intentions our social awkwardness can warp that message to others.
 
B

Bubbavelli

Banned
Maaaaaardy said:
They're a crapshoot, tried and just can't get any messages. I'm not a bad looking fella (I don't think!) but didn't work out.
Click to expand...

Are you not getting messages as in replies? Idk if its because im ugly but my experiences with online dating include messaging hella girls but would only get a reply from a couple and i dont think i remember getting any just out of the blue.

Thats just how online dating works i think. I imagine girls messages get bombarded so they only respond to the few that make the best impression in such a small window
 
M

MrSaturn99

Member
Maaaaaardy said:
Dude, if people are such dicks they ignore you, don't attend their party. Fuck them, you deserve better than trying for some arrogant idiots!
Click to expand...

It depends on the context; for example, I can cite another friend's "ignoring" me that was far more malicious and hurtful. In this case, I get the suspicion they find it inconvenient I don't drive as one of them has brought up the general subject multiple times (like the last time I met him). We're all grown men now, so I know I can't just sleep over whenever I want and all that, but I miss having people to hang around with.

Besides, if I don't go, it'd show a lack of interest from my side and that'd cause further drifting. I'm not particularly a party person, but I'll just go and play it cool.

HStallion said:
Don't take this the wrong way but I find that people tend to be turned off by things like "proving you matter to them". It comes off as to intense and direct or even a little desperate.

Now do go to the party and have a good time but just take it easy and remember the party b is about another guys last single hurrah. Just go along for the ride, pay for some drinks and maybe a dance from a stripper.

I know I tend to over think the simplest things and go in on something way too hard or fast and achieve the exact opposite results. I've lost a few relationships this way as even though you have good intentions out social awkwardness can warp that message to others.
Click to expand...

Actually, I really appreciate that honesty, thank you. This is my first time at a bachelor party so my parents have been giving me some of the same advice.

Although, unless something changed in the last three years since I've been there, I highly doubt they have strippers at Dave and Buster's lmao.
 
H

HStallion

Now what's the next step in your master plan?
MrSaturn99 said:
Actually, I really appreciate that honesty, thank you. This is my first time at a bachelor party so my parents have been giving me some of the same advice.

Although, unless something changed in the last three years since I've been there, I highly doubt they have strippers at Dave and Buster's lmao.
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You're welcome and you never know where the night may take you!

Just take it at a relaxed pace and remember you are there to support the soon to be married guy. It's a party but he is the reason for it. At the end of the night or whenever there is a slow moments ask them if they want to do something sometime in the future.

People on the spectrum, myself included, can be a little self centered and combined with our general intense focus we can do more damage than good. It's hard to do in the heat of the moment but I find taking a moment to breath and step away is vital.
 
C

Ceej

Member
Maaaaaardy said:
Not at all man! You know, don't be disheartened. I am in the exact same position as you are. But, although i'm single and this is what's downing me a little, I do love work (I teach) and I do have a great bunch of friends now. Things get better man!

Do we have an Autistic lifestyle/support thread in OT Community? I did search but didn't see anything. We totally should :) Us "aspie's" should stick together.
Click to expand...

I teach too! (Chemistry) I absolutely love my job, and it's the big shining spot in my day.

Great OT idea.
 
F

Faltimar

Member
I suffer from sever anxiety and mild agoraphobia. Its extremely hard for me to meet new people and actually become friends with them. Just going outside is tough enough. Shit I only have 2 friends. Ive know them both for years.
 
M

Maaaaaardy

Member
Ceej said:
I teach too! (Chemistry) I absolutely love my job, and it's the big shining spot in my day.

Great OT idea.
Click to expand...

Yay, teachers! Well, if anyone knows who to message about it i'll set it up. Do we need permission from a mod or can we just set up the Autism OT in Community?
 
H

HStallion

Now what's the next step in your master plan?
I think there was an autism spectrum OT at one point but I haven't seen b it in a long time.
 
M

Maaaaaardy

Member
HStallion said:
I think there was an autism spectrum OT at one point but I haven't seen b it in a long time.
Click to expand...

I did search, saw nothing. Well, do we NEED to notify a mod or can we just make it? I genuinely don't know so just want to avoid a banning haha. I love it here!

ryseing said:
On the spectrum myself. Ever heard of DBT? I'm doing it right now and it's helped a bit. Check it out.
Click to expand...

Is it Cognitive Therapy? I had CT once, depressed the shit out of me for a week straight then I was okay again. It was really weird, she dug into my childhood and I used to hate school.
 
T

Teriyaki Blues

Member
Had a big post typed up and lost it, but yes. Not formally diagnosed, but our smaller human is. After talking to my dad about it, he thinks he is too (and it is not uncommon for relatives to get late life diagnosis/self-diagnose nowadays). And I have near-zero friends, but that may just be because I am horrible at trying to be social and frequently mess things up eventually with a 100% success rate. (I also have legit medical diagnosis of mental illnesses, so the ASD is just one more fucking thing, you know?)

Settled down years ago with another neuroatypical, got a smaller human, it is working okay so far.

I do occasional meetups with a Nintendo-focused local gaming/StreetPass group, it helps with getting some exposure and sometimes I don't spend the next week/month with insomnia about my chronic foot-in-mouth disease.
 
V

Volimar

Member
I have Asperger's except they don't recognize it as Asperger's anymore (which is dumb) and I pretty much avoid people in real life.
 
F

Fluvian

Banned
Yeah....I have ASD and I have major trouble making friends, not because I don't have people skills (I'm actually great with people), but because I'm surrounded by people I don't want to be friends with, and by that I mean other autistic people......See when I was 9 my parents put me in a nit wit school and it basically ruined my life and I never got out of the ridiculous autistic education circle. Until now, I'm this close, next year I'll finally be among normal people and I'll be able to form a solid circle of friends.....Admitting all that was a bit difficult, but I feel a slight relief since I've never had anyone to talk to this stuff about.
 
P

params7

Banned
Best way I feel is to just work with people. Social meetings are hard for me when the only purpose is.. to meet and talk. But I make friends naturally when I take up part time jobs on weekends in crowded places, and at work, since you have no choice but to work with them, talk, get to know them and do activities with them. It becomes easy after a while and hey... extra money. You'll have to get over working more than 40 hours per week though.
 
K

Kas

Member
Haven't been formally diagnosed, but both my mothers and brothers therapist think I fall on the spectrum, and I agree with them.

I have no idea how to socialize. It's made dating impossible and making friends next to impossible. The only people I know are the people I work with, and I feel very weird with hanging out with people from my new job.
 
L

linkandzelda

Member
Volimar said:
I have Asperger's except they don't recognize it as Asperger's anymore (which is dumb) and I pretty much avoid people in real life.
Click to expand...

It isn't dumb, it's just a change due to the fact that more information has been found about the Autistic Spectrum and they realized that how they were classifying things before was inaccurate.

I too was diagnosed with Asperger's about eight years ago. I don't particularly find it hard meeting people but that's because I live on campus at University in a flat with 9 other people who frequently party and also have to do group projects. In that situation it is pretty hard not to meet people. However I do find it hard getting from meeting a person to actually becoming their friend. And I've never had a relationship at all. I honestly like my small group of four friends, I don't want to go out socializing every night nor do I think I would be able to upkeep a larger group of friends. I would like to date though but I have basically the same problems as the OP in that regard.
 
F

Fluvian

Banned
linkandzelda said:
It isn't dumb, it's just a change due to the fact that more information has been found about the Autistic Spectrum and they realized that how they were classifying things before was inaccurate.

I too was diagnosed with Asperger's about eight years ago. I don't particularly find it hard meeting people but that's because I live on campus at University in a flat with 9 other people who frequently party and also have to do group projects. In that situation it is pretty hard not to meet people. However I do find it hard getting from meeting a person to actually becoming their friend. And I've never had a relationship at all. I honestly like my small group of four friends, I don't want to go out socializing every night nor do I think I would be able to upkeep a larger group of friends. I would like to date though but I have basically the same problems as the OP in that regard.
Click to expand...

Yeah they basically used to use Aspergers as a blanket Autism term to cover a lot of different stuff. I was diagnosed with it when I was 6, and I was re-diagnosed 13 with ASD.
 
R

Raist

Banned
Aren't there any associations or support groups where you live, who like organize social stuff? Maybe it could help you make some steps that could potentially lead you to broader social interaction opportunities.
 
F

Fluvian

Banned
Raist said:
Aren't there any associations or support groups where you live, who like organize social stuff? Maybe it could help you make some steps that could potentially lead you to broader social interaction opportunities.
Click to expand...

He wants to avoid the autistic social groups trust me, you won't meet nice people in those groups, you'll meet desperate and lonely people who will instantly depend on you if you show them even the slightest kindness. I know it sounds mean, but I've been around auts so long I know exactly how they think and work.
 
K

KillGore

Member
DreadPirateRoberts said:
I don't know if i'm actually Autistic (I've never been tested or even talked to a psychiatrist) but i feel like i'm in the same boat, it's rough man.
Click to expand...

This is how I feel. Sometimes I wonder if I am. I feel exactly like OP.

Edit: Any autistic gaffers here who are bosses/managers/supervisors/etc. ? Sometimes I wonder if I'm even capable of getting there, since I get some anxiety when meeting new people. How do you deal with it?
 
Kingpin Rogers

Kingpin Rogers

Member
I don't think I'm autistic but I have trouble socialising with people and I only have one friend. At this point I don't even know if I want friends anymore, one part of me wants the experience of a normal social life whilst the other part of me is happy to spend all day by myself.

I feel I might just be sour on people because for the last year or so the only people I've known are genuine idiots who are incredibly annoying and at this point I feel I'm gonna be stuck knowing those kinds of people for the rest of my life. :/
 
F

Fluvian

Banned
KillGore said:
This is how I feel. Sometimes I wonder if I am. I feel exactly like OP.
Click to expand...

I see a lot of people who are just awkward or socially inept say they think their Autistic. Chances are you aren't and your better off that way, to quote Wolverine, you don't want what I got.....Bub.
 
T

TheOnlyOneHeEverFeared

Member
I have that problem of thinking I want friends and I want to be social but when I do it I don't have a good time and I'm incredibly anxious and then I think 'why the fuck do I bother'
 
F

Fluvian

Banned
Kingpin Rogers said:
I don't think I'm autistic but I have trouble socialising with people and I only have one friend. At this point I don't even know if I want friends anymore, one part of me wants the experience of a normal social life whilst the other part of me is happy to spend all day by myself.

I feel I might just be sour on people because for the last year or so the only people I've known are genuine idiots who are incredibly annoying and at this point I feel I'm gonna be stuck knowing those kinds of people for the rest of my life. :/
Click to expand...

That's just a very common thing a lot of introverts feel. You don't sound Autistic to me (I'm the closest thing to an expert on Autism here) having spent 10 years "embedded" with them as I like to say, I guess because I want to write a book about it at some point.
 
K

KillGore

Member
Fluvian said:
I see a lot of people who are just awkward or socially inept say they think their Autistic. Chances are you aren't and your better off that way, to quote Wolverine, you don't want what I got.....Bub.
Click to expand...

Yeah, maybe I'm not. My cousin was diagnosed with autism and I don't think I showed the same patterns/habits as him.
 
F

Fluvian

Banned
KillGore said:
Yeah, maybe I'm not. My cousin was diagnosed with autism and I don't think I showed the same patterns/habits as him.
Click to expand...

No, heres who you should be worried about if you notice Autistic signs in. Your dad, your brothers (if you have any) or your grand father. Men carry the gene, sometimes it skips a gen. If you mother had it (not likely) it actually wouldn't be likely to pass to you. If you're cousin has it, it almost certainly came from his dad, is his dad blood related to you?
 
K

KillGore

Member
Fluvian said:
No, heres who you should be worried about if you notice Autistic signs in. Your dad, your brothers (if you have any) or your grand father. Men carry the gene, sometimes it skips a gen. If you mother had it (not likely) it actually wouldn't be likely to pass to you. If you're cousin has it, it almost certainly came from his dad, is his dad blood related to you?
Click to expand...

Yes. My father's brother (both from the same father+mother)
 
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