Cracked.com's : The 7 Commandments All Video Games Should Obey

#2
"Gordon, the whole world has been taken over by a race of malevolent aliens. All of humanity is depending on you. Here's a goddamned crowbar."



Starting us with a bullshit weapon.

Yes, we get that earning bigger, fancier weapons is a reward to keep us playing. But don't make us start with a weapon we probably have in our real-life garage (hey, thanks for the wrench, Bioshock).
 

TomServo

Junior Member
#4
Work firewall is blocking the site, but someone please tell me that QuickSaves made the list.

Playing a game that I can't (quick)save at any point pisses me off to no end.
 
#6
First-person jumping puzzles.

There is no possible freaking way to jump accurately from a first person perspective. All of the things that would let you do it in real life (sense of balance and momentum, awareness of your body) are gone. Also, you can't see your fucking feet.

Yet, here we are in Half Life 2, entering the spooky, atmospheric zombie town of Ravenholm, ready for the fight of our lives. How do we defeat the undead hordes? Why, by jumping across rooftops, on wooden platforms and suspended cars, like freaking Mario.
So fucking true.
 
#7
TomServo said:
Work firewall is blocking the site, but someone please tell me that QuickSaves made the list.

Playing a game that I can't (quick)save at any point pisses me off to no end.
Unfortuantely, it will need to be the 8 commandments...yeah they didn't fucking include quicksaves....boooo.... >:-/
 

RevenantKioku

PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS oh god i am drowning in them
#9
You're dropping [local multiplayer] because four players on a split screen are playing off one $60 copy of the game. Four players playing online need four copies ($240).
And these are the same people who're baffled about how the Nintendo Wii was able to depants the whole industry with its cheap, underpowered little machine. Hey, maybe it's because they're the one company that still seems to realize humans need interaction with other humans. Real interaction, not trash talking over a headset behind fake names.
So fucking right.
 
#11
Those are all excellent points, especially the splitscreen multiplayer one. I can see why it would be difficult to implement it in a game like GTA, but racing games (Burnout Paradise, Motorstorm) have no excuse not to have it.
 
#12
Aside from one thing, pretty good.

First-person jumping puzzles.

There is no possible freaking way to jump accurately from a first person perspective. All of the things that would let you do it in real life (sense of balance and momentum, awareness of your body) are gone. Also, you can't see your fucking feet.

Yet, here we are in Half Life 2, entering the spooky, atmospheric zombie town of Ravenholm, ready for the fight of our lives. How do we defeat the undead hordes? Why, by jumping across rooftops, on wooden platforms and suspended cars, like freaking Mario.
Are they specially challenged? The worst thing about Half-Life 2 was that they removed all the platforming. The fact that people are complaining about the tiny quantities of remaining maneuvering is ridiculous. I think the hardest thing they ask you to do is walk straight across a wooden plank. They never required very much precision at all.
 
#14
Tyrannical said:
"Gordon, the whole world has been taken over by a race of malevolent aliens. All of humanity is depending on you. Here's a goddamned crowbar."

This is such a bread and butter staple of first-person shooter games, without it, it would be like having a horror movie without creepy music. Some things work very well for very good reasons.
 
#15
I've never, ever understood the bitching over the platforming in Half-Life. Did that many people really have that much trouble with it? I thought it was a blast.

Lots of tired stuff on here.
 

GDJustin

stuck my tongue deep inside Atlus' cookies
#17
That list is making me wanna play through HL2 again... or at least boot up OB to nab a couple of the achievements I missed.
 
#18
Metroid Prime platforming is far better than any other FP...whatever has done in the past.
Thief had lots of jumping (and climbing, for that matter), and the movement felt incredible. And there's always Jumping Flash, too.

But more Thief.
 

RevenantKioku

PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS oh god i am drowning in them
#20
Linkzg said:
Metroid Prime platforming is far better than any other FP...whatever has done in the past.

I think some points of this are right on.

the #1 point is really stupid.
You know what, I thought I was being quoted, not someone else. HA! Nevermind.
 

Staccat0

Fail out bailed
#21
I basically agree with the stuff in this write up, but I dont find killing that fun. If the mechanics involved are fun then sure, but I have almost reached the point where violence makes me roll my eyes and feel embarrased. I'm getting older I guess.:D
 
#22
#7: Agreed, except when it would compromise a fantastic single-player experience (ie do not want multiplay tacked onto something like HL2).

#6: Yes, the game doesn't have to be epically long to achieve maximum enjoyment. Portal was really short, yet it didn't really detract from it (Jamming in dozens of filler puzzles would have been detrimental, imo). Dunno what they're talking about with HL2's distances, though, they're a more than welcome break from being in confined spaces.

#5: Big yes to this, checkpoints are great. Not much more to say.

#4: Crowbar is awesome, burn the heathen!

#3: NPCs are awesome when done right (ie Alyx as opposed to the marines in Halo 1 ["Hey, plasma grenade! I think I'm going to stare it down!"]), and the jumping segments of HL2 are fun, provided you're not retarded.

#2: No-brainer.

#1: Agreed with, like, everything.
 
#23
I agree with his point about the lack of satisfaction from killing enemies with swords in most games. The fact that NG2 is focusing on this will probably make killing enemies really satisfying. I also agree with his blasting of the comments made by Epic, really shortsighted and idiotic regardless of Epic's status as the masters of high tech development engines.
 
#24
Jump and race maps are an absolute a blast, from Quake, Warsow, Kreedz, UT to CS. Platforming in FPS's is fucking awesome, racing while platforming is fucking heaven. (Times)

There are jumping communities for every FPS out there. It's as old as 3D FPS's themselves.
 
#25
People are confusing jumping in FPS's being impossible, and that platforming bit in the first Turok. I swear that is why people hate platforming in FP games.

Half Life had it great, and the small segments that had in in HL2E1E2 were some of my most memorable as well. It worked great in all 3 of the prime games. Hell even in Halo it's a huge part of my game plan, platforming around the level.

Isn't there a new FP platformer starting an asian girl coming out that looks incredible?

I think we can totally blame this misconception on that one part in the N64 Turok.
 
#26
JavaMava said:
People are confusing jumping in FPS's being impossible, and that platforming bit in the first Turok. I swear that is why people hate platforming in FP games.

Half Life had it great, and the small segments that had in in HL2E1E2 were some of my most memorable as well. It worked great in all 3 of the prime games. Hell even in Halo it's a huge part of my game plan, platforming around the level.
HL2 and onward has some awesome platforming segments, especially that one room in Episode 1 that's crammed full of laser tripmines and explosive barrels, you get one hell of a rush hopping past all those hazards.
 
#28
Portal was a short game, everybody loved it. It was four hours of joy.
There is no possible freaking way to jump accurately from a first person perspective. All of the things that would let you do it in real life (sense of balance and momentum, awareness of your body) are gone. Also, you can't see your fucking feet.
So Portal, a game based on first person jumping puzzles, was "hours of joy", but first person jumping puzzles are crap?

I agree with pretty much everything else though, although not every game can have split screen. LAN play should be standard though for MP.

(edit) Oh, and selling more of something doesn't make it better.
 
#34
Linkzg said:
I don't know if Jumping Flash really counts, but I will give you Thief. I still think Metroid Prime does platforming the best.
Yes but Thief had the arrows.. They opened you a world of possibilities with regard to platforming. MP does the technical thing better, but thief let you create your own path.
 

TAJ

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
#35
First-person jumping puzzles.

There is no possible freaking way to jump accurately from a first person perspective. All of the things that would let you do it in real life (sense of balance and momentum, awareness of your body) are gone. Also, you can't see your fucking feet.

Yet, here we are in Half Life 2, entering the spooky, atmospheric zombie town of Ravenholm, ready for the fight of our lives. How do we defeat the undead hordes? Why, by jumping across rooftops, on wooden platforms and suspended cars, like freaking Mario.
This is one of the main reasons that Metroid Prime was a dumb idea.
 
#37
"Releasing games the console can't really run.

Look, we know with PCs it's hard as hell to make sure your game runs smoothly on every system--every PC is different. But you know what's inside an Xbox 360. There no reason, none, ever, under any circumstances, that your game should stutter and slow down because the console is choking on the graphics. This is like selling us an L-shaped condom. You know damned well what we've got to work with here. "



awesome
 
#41
lockii said:
This is such a bread and butter staple of first-person shooter games, without it, it would be like having a horror movie without creepy music. Some things work very well for very good reasons.
Halo CE starts you off with the pistol, the most powerful weapon in the whole game.
 
#45
Holy shit, I didn't even get past the first page before I found myself wholeheartedly agreeing with them

Thou shalt let us play your game with real-life friends.


Violators:
Grand Theft Auto IV, MotorStorm, Shadowrun, etc.

Quick, tell us what the following games all have in common. We'll give you a hint, one thing is that they were all among the top 10 most popular games of 2007:

Wii Sports
Wii Play
Guitar Hero III
Super Mario Galaxy
Madden NFL 08
Guitar Hero II
Mario Party 8

But what else? If you answered, "None of them contain male frontal nudity" then, well, you haven't gotten the 122nd star in Mario Galaxy. If you said that these games all have multiplayer that's intended to be played with friends in the same room, you're right.

Likewise, what's at the top of sales in 2008? Smash Bros. Brawl.

[Brawl pic]

The advantage that consoles have over, say, PCs, is that you can play from your comfy sofa. The reason the sofa is considered the pinnacle of furniture technology is because there's room for other people on it.

Yet, here's Grand Theft Auto IV, boasting about its robust multiplayer, and if you think "multiplayer" means inviting the gang over to play, get drunk, laugh and high-five each other until the break of dawn, too bad. You can't do that. Want to play with friends, they must be kept at arm's length, faceless at the other end of a broadband connection. Grand Theft Auto IV multiplayer is a world without hugs.

They'll say that GTA IV's vast open world makes split-screen impossible. OK, what about MotorStorm? It's a goddamned racing game, and they won't let you play a real-life friend on a split screen. A racing game.

Sorry, you know damned well that technical limitations aren't the reason everyone is dropping split screen. Every previous generation had it, in times with much less powerful systems and few widescreen TVs.

[Goldeneye 007 '64 Pic]
This system had 4 MB of RAM.

You're dropping it because four players on a split screen are playing off one $60 copy of the game. Four players playing online need four copies ($240).

And these are the same people who're baffled about how the Nintendo Wii was able to depants the whole industry with its cheap, underpowered little machine. Hey, maybe it's because they're the one company that still seems to realize humans need interaction with other humans. Real interaction, not trash talking over a headset behind fake names.

By the way, some of you are scratching your heads about having the obviously single-player Mario Galaxy up there on the list. Well, it turns out Nintendo included an option so that at any moment, a friend can pick up the second controller and, with the pointer, help the first player collect items and shoot at enemies. It's a small thing, but it means a guy can get his girlfriend in on the action and cut off her complaints that his gaming is taking away from his time with her.

[Wiimen Pic]
Above: women

So when she comes over, do you think he's going to put on his GTA IV headset, or pop in Mario Galaxy? Here's a hint: The second choice gets him closer to touching boob.
Fuck yeah
 

Mgoblue201

Won't stop picking the right nation
#46
HK-47 said:
Clearly hasnt played Prime
The three Prime games for the vast majority of the time also had a double jump feature, and there is no better remedy for 3D platforming than a second correctional jump (and up until you receive it in the first Prime the jumps tend to be elementary and abiding). That isn't always plausible for every game, though it does prove that there are ways to ease platforming elements in first person.
 
#50
7- Yup, a serious issue nowadays.
6- Yup. Filler makes me bored and stops me from playing. The hour metric needs to die, at least in it's current form.
5- Generally yes, but some games I think should be waved from this rule due to the way thier system works and how it works with the game.
4- Wat? His examples are dumb. Agree on the tiny enemies tho.
3- Definitely.
2- Yup.
1- Yup.

Suprisingly decent list. Still lists are pointless.