Miles Quaritch
Member
Maybe, but it says something about character that's a huge red flag for me.
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Maybe, but it says something about character that's a huge red flag for me.
Like being in/from a rural area - at least the one rural place I lived, people married very young on average.
Don't ever come to Arkansas. It's almost impossible to find a woman with no kids/divorce
War Peaceman
You're a big guy.
Each to their own, but without knowing the circumstances I think you are being very judgemental.
Gotdatmoney
Member
None of which I'm willing to ponder are shit you wanna get involved with. Married and divorced at 23 isn't a good sign ever. Maybe I sound likr a dick but w/e.
What about if they're 23, and for some reason has never been able to hold a long term relationship at all?
Neither case is a red flag.
Ray Wonder
Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
These hot bars can be aimed at anyone, Miles Quaritch and ZackieChan.
Red flag is really unnecessarily harsh imo, that said it can still point to some things that might make a person want to pass. I wouldn't completely pass up on a woman because of it but it would at the very least make me wonder a few things (maybe grew up in a very conservative environment for example).
Lucian Cat
Kissed a mod for a tag; liked it
I was divorced by 24 because my husband wouldn't give up his drug addiction. Does that mean I'm a red flag too?
Well this is a light top of the page post...
We can spend a whole night throwing examples. What I'm afraid of are people who think that it's like a red flag, and then get very judgemental or insisting that they figure out "what went wrong".
That's a bad attitude to have. At the very least, I try to coat my judgemental opinions behind a coat of compliments: "whoa, your spouse really fucked up didn't they?"
Depends, was this before or after you kissed a mod for a tag. Although one would understand, that's justified.
NumberThree
Member
Of course not, you were 24! Totally different than 23.
Lucian Cat
Kissed a mod for a tag; liked it
This was long before lol. I'm 28 now. Kissed the mod at 27.
Totes
Lucian Cat
Kissed a mod for a tag; liked it
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Her husband cheated on her, a lot.
That's the red flag. The fact that she got a divorce just because of cheating! A committed woman would have stayed married.
...
editing in my /s just in case
Miles Quaritch
Member
You're a red flag in that it possibly shows you have poor job judgement. Did you go into the marriage knowing he was a drug user and thinking you could change him/he'd naturally stop?
Gotdatmoney
Member
We can throw anecdotes and examples at the wall all day and I'm sure a couple of em will come up legit but I aint removing my stance that it is not a red flag. Because if I am giving contextless advice I am not going to advise it because I don't see more than a handful of scenarios where this doesn't require a double hell triple take. Period.
Like I said, if that makes me a dick w/e but I think for a multitude of reasons that that sets off alarms.
Lucian Cat
Kissed a mod for a tag; liked it
Seriously dude?
I don't think this... is right. Hypothetical examples are one thing but this is too directed at someone. She put up the example to add to the discussion, not to be judged as a red flag...
EDIT: what the hell?
Miles Quaritch
Member
What usually happens when two people rush into marriage.
So red flag kinda confirmed...
peanutbutterlatte
Member
You are not everybody's therapist man...
Gotdatmoney
Member
There is no response to this statement that is going to lead anywhere. And this is daating advice, not pry into posters social life so I'm not gonna touch this one
Lucian Cat
Kissed a mod for a tag; liked it
How do you know they rushed? Maybe they'd been together since they were teens. You're being awfully judgmental tonight.
I was just trying to say not everything is a red flag. Yes 23 is young but there are other factors. You also need to be less judgmental before knowing facts.
Miles Quaritch
Member
You did ask. Apologies if it overstepped or you feel I was judging you.
The question was asked. I didn't mean offence by it, I only offered my opinion based on the information provided.
I did make sure to qualify it and ask follow up questions.
She wasn't sincerely asking...
It was meant to show how ridiculous the opinion was.
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To put this back on topic.
In a lesson on how to not talk to girls...
Gotdatmoney
Member
Which is why I said I'm not gonna touch your situation. Because its none of my business. But if what you want is for me to retract my advice that isnt happening. So. . .
Lucian Cat
Kissed a mod for a tag; liked it
. nevermind I dont care enough to give you the info
Edit: Yeah I'm done here. I try to help and this is what happens...
Miles Quaritch
Member
An example of seemingly poor judgement was given to try and show ridiculous someone calling out someone else's poor job judgement is?
Also, you seem to be suggesting she be treated differently because she's a woman?
I really hope this is enough to shut Miles Quaritch up. We're not here to throw judgement around. Not at each other, and not at a theoretical 23 year old that's divorced. Saying it's a red flag is nothing but judgemental, and situations like Lucian Cat explained underline just how stupid it is to be as prejudiced as this. It's too black and white. It's coward. It can be a red flag. So can anything. Someone talking to their ex? Possible red flag. Not necessarily one. You can't judge things from a single factoid. People will throw surprising stories in your face, just like Lucian Cat did. I guess none of us expected that was how the divorce came to be, and it shows that we fucking reserve our judgement of others. I wrote this when I saw what it originally said. I can affirm that what she wrote most definitely shows why we don't throw judgement around. There's nothing good coming from it.
We're not here to say who we should and shouldn't date. We're here to help others. Saying "stay away from that, it's a red flag" as haphazardly as that is not good support or advice.
This is ridiculous. Let's all just leave this be.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Help away, but you posted something some would use to question your own judgement making skills to try and make a point against questioning others judgement making skills.
I'm not sure such a response to my reading of your post is warranted. If you feel I was wrong in what I said, correct me or simply ignore the post.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
"Young divorce = stay away"
Two reasonable responses as to why young divorce would be acceptable.
"You shoulda known better man".
:|
Anyway, let's steer away
Two reasonable responses as to why young divorce would be acceptable.
"You shoulda known better man".
:|
Anyway, let's steer away
You are wrong. You were explicitly wrong in saying she's a red flag, you're wrong to have the opinion about "a 23 year old that's divorced", and you're wrong to think you're in any way defending that point. It's painful to see you playing a game of seeing how much of your foot you can fit in your mouth.
Hah.
War Peaceman
You're a big guy.
Honestly you've demonstrated a total lack of empathy in this whole affair. Big red flag. Would not date.
I can't really understand that first sentence, but I know what you mean.
When she chimed in with her experience, it was meant to be "that's ridiculous to judge people if they've been divorced because I've been!"
We were calling people out on being judgemental because it's not nice to claim that there is something wrong with people because of their history, especially when it wasn't exactly their fault. It was a very polite attempt to stop it from popping up, because otherwise you'd have no choice but to refute and literally call her a red flag; all despite knowing nothing about her other than a single event.
It's silly. Like if someone dropping out of college means they're stupid.
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And when you talk to someone you're on a date with, there's never any need to be judgemental at all. To them, or to other people. You won't know everything about someone in a first date. If you don't like someone, that's fine, but don't go shitting on people in because of their histories because you never know what their histories are.
My point about how not to talk to girls -- don't be judgemental. Just avoid the discussion about red flags altogether.
Lucian Cat
Kissed a mod for a tag; liked it
A 23yo divorcee is NOT a red flag. Myself being divorced at 24 is NOT a red flag. And your subsequent response questioning whether I married him while knowing he was an addict and wanting to fix him is disgusting. I lost my husband to that. Be glad you haven't experienced it.
ThoseDeafMutes
Member
It's probably time to stop posting on this one, M.
Miles Quaritch
Member
No. I'd argue it shows naivety to think marrying rhat young isn't a red flag in this day and age.
And I'm perfectly capable of defending my point without having to resort to attacks or suggesting others are wrong. You don't just wade into something and think your right, just because.
If you feel it's not a red flag, use proper examples of why it's not and I'll take them into consideration. As it stands, the example provided didn't do much to sway my initial opinion of the situation.
I generally don't date people who are indecisive/aren't sure about what they want in life. Is it War or Peace...man?
peanutbutterlatte
Member
So I'm actually going to a bar with a big group of people this weekend. Not really a thing I do, usually just go with 1-2 other friends. Exciting stuff.
Gotdatmoney
Member
When shit gets personal, you don't dive in head first offerring judgement and prying for answers. You are free to state your opinion on the matter. There is zero valie in echo chamber. But man don't add personal judgement.
Miles Quaritch
Member
Fair enough.
Ok I need some advice, I called a break on our near 12 month relationship. She was/is my first girlfriend, I don't know if I've ever loved her, I just don't know what it feels like, she's a really sweet and kind girl, but yeah having never had a gf before I don't know what it feels like to be in love. I don't want to string her along into a further relationship and hurt her more down the line. I feel like shit right now as I know before she met me she suffered with depression, if I break up with her this will push her back into depression.
One of my sticking points on my mind is we have quite different opinions morally and politically which I see as a big clash in compatibility.
So tell me gaf what does it feel like to be in love.
One of my sticking points on my mind is we have quite different opinions morally and politically which I see as a big clash in compatibility.
So tell me gaf what does it feel like to be in love.
When she refuses to get back together with you and then you hate yourself for ruining something good. Then you'll know you were in love.
That just means there's no persuading you. There's no argument from a situation that shows you are wrong, when you stance "it is a red flag". I call you out on it being too black and white, because it's a matter of stance. Your stance doesn't allow for the nuances, and you rule out people because you judge them on factoids. It's just not how we should treat others. Being treated on the surface like that is not right. When you say "it is", arguments from situations is trying to prove that your black and white is set poorly, but instead I'm saying your black and white stance is what's wrong.
You can't describe what it feels like. It's a mixture of having had past experiences, and having the current one surpassing it, and laying to rest all thoughts about possible experiences in the future. It's the closest I can come to defining love that can help you. When you're wondering if there's a girl better suited for you out there, then that's never going to be a feeling that subsides. You can't take it upon yourself never to break up with her because it'll make her depressed. She might also not get depressed. Differences aren't necessarily a problem, but when you feel they are, you know they are. In my mind, this sounds like it's not a relationship that will last. Take from that what you will, but I can assure you of one thing, and that is that your feeling of "Is this love?" will never disappear, and it will only make things harder and harder.
salty_Josh
Member
Getting married young is the opposite of not being sure what you want.
Gotdatmoney
Member
No one can tell you ehat being in love feels like. I can tell you that the concept of "a break" imo is dumb. A break from what? What do you need a break for? Either you think the relationship is worth continuing or ypu move on. This limbo shit, I dont really grasp why you want to dance in that no mans land.
Or perhaps I do get it but its really naive and sorta childish. Be an adult and make a real decision on what you want. Dont half ass it.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
I haven't ever seen a couple succesfully come back from "a break". I'm sure it happens, I've just never personally seen it. My big break-up began as a "break".
Zaraki_Kenpachi
Member
Eww... no. Hating yourself doesn't mean you're in love nor does missing them. People in abusive relationships can miss their partner, you wouldn't be going awww must mean you were in love. :') That's a terrible metric and usually a result more of our neediness and idealizing the person we were with than it actually something good. Love should be meaningful and help you towards becoming better, not just that you missed them and feel needy now.
You need to shut the fuck up and stop posting.
No one here should take advice from you.
Edit: septimus got the point across much kinder and more effectively as always. I'm honestly sad to see that this happened in a thread that is usually very helpful and welcoming.
Miles Quaritch
Member
You should probably calm down.
And it's never bothered me if anyone takes my advice or doesn't. I'm simply offering an opinion that's from a less emotional point of view. Maybe you should also try to be less emotional so you don't have any more unnecessary outbursts like the one above.
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