It's a mix of things. When I think to the one person I've been with (ex), it took time to get there. But by the time we did, I knew this person was my best friend, and they knew me and everything about me and I knew them and everything about them. Things were right, and I trusted this woman more than anyone else in the world. But, even then I was equally as happy just sitting in a park, having a picnic and letting her put flowers in my beard than I was taking her to bed. It's the kind of person I am, and the kind of relationship I long for. And to this day, she's still one of my closest friends, but we had to move on for life reasons. But about last night, it's not even a regret it's just wondering why, is that why can't I do what other people I've known could easily do.
Maybe I just have trust issues or some deep rooted anxiety with getting close to people, and even worse with intimacy. Maybe I'm just a "beta". I'm not exactly sure. Maybe we'll see what happens after date 2? If there's one lol. A part of me really wants to just get in bed! But that might just because of social pressure. And a bigger part of me just kinda wants to build up to it, and find someone to get close to and get to that point eventually. I kinda feel lame about that. But it's who I am, and I'll find my own eventually.
I think me and you are kind of on the same page.
I totally fell for a girl i got to know over the course of a couple of years, it took time to get there and to be honest that it is the first time i truly felt like i could be in a relationship with someone, they were apart of me and vice versa. Unfortunately she was taken and things never moved on.
But that as freaked me out a little bit, because up to then, i felt as though i was normal. It has kicked off some serious anxiety issues and a good hard look at my sexuality. I'm 30 by the way. I always been interested by girls, had the odd thing with some, but sex and relationships never really crossed my mind. I have been wondering if i am gay, but then it occurred to me that i never noticed men, it never even crossed my mind, but this whole questioning/ocd as stressed me out big time.
I've really gone to town on the whole overthinking. What is attraction, Was is sexual attraction, checking my reactions to people etc and it's been constant, 24/7. I'm just longing for days when i wake up and not think. It hasn't helped that all my best friends have got married this year.
So please don't try to overthink this. It turned my life upside down.
All this as come at the same time when i was particularly stressed out about my flat, flat mate, career and health, for the first time my OCD started to really affect my day to day life. So i don't know what is real or not and what emotions and thoughts to trust.
For the first time really over the last few years i have felt as though girls liked me on a regular basis as well so the attention as been there. Thinking about it, they always did, but i was obvious to signs, and i was always interested in someone specific (always girls). I had a massive crush on a girl in my teenage years but never anything that came close to those feelings till the last year.
But i am wondering if i, and you just put ourselves out there more often we wouldn't really have a problem. Or at least it make us understand ourselves better. At the moment i'm finding it tough, trying to understand what i want. I become aroused by girls, i flirt with them, i can feel my body opening up to them, but for the last two years my head as gone "you're gay" but i never once even considered or even had a an attraction to men. So i don't know whats up. I told my friends about this so i don't think it is a case of being afraid of peoples reactions, i have quite a few gay friends and it never crossed my mind that i could be, and my family and friends are really open minded so that side isn't really an issue. Perhaps i have internalised homophobia, but i again, i never had or thought about attraction to men. I don't even go , perhaps you could be bi, it's either one thing or the other.
Over the course of the weekend i been thinking about asking a co-worker out, she is a little bit younger than me, and technically i'm her boss too, so it seems a stupid idea, and with this constant doubting about myself as well, i just don't what to do.
Feels as though i been thrown in the deep end a little bit. Perhaps we just desire something different when it comes to the conventional view of sex and relationships, my gut feeling is that i need to be able to be really communicative with that other half, and needing stability and wanting something to last, but also afraid to commit.
Ha! Sorry for hijacking your post, i have a tendency to do that and make it about me. Sorry!
My best advice is probably try and not think about it (which is hard i know) and just live your life and just to get to know people, you might find someone that ticks those boxes, even if you don't quite know what they are yet.