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Do you like dirty jokes?

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Fine, I'll start off:

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
 
Only if the right person tells them :3
 
"My wife, I swear, she's thick as fuck. She came down stairs the other day, and said 'close those curtains, that man over the road can see my naked body'. I said 'fuck off, if that man over the road sees your naked body, he'll close the fuckin' curtains!'"

"I got in a taxi the other day, I said 'take me some where I can get a blow job for a fiver.' Where did he take me? To fuckin' my house."

"Foreplay with the wife the other night, she said 'Ohh, take your ring off its hurting me.' I said 'don't flatter yourself love, it's my watch.' "
 
So, this guy decided to let the words 'I love You' being tattooed on his dick. When he gets home, his wife tells him: stop putting words in my mouth.
 
One time as a kid my older brother pushed me into a deep mud puddle and laughed when I got in trouble for getting dirty.
 
The old lady next door popped her head over the fence the other day, and asked if I knew anything about her stolen laundry. I nearly shit her pants.
 
I just ordered an invisible baseball bat from Ebay. I can't wait till it arrives, the wife won't know what hit her.

Little Johnny is using pins in class and pricks his finger. "Oww, miss, I need a cup of cider." "Why do you need cider Johnny?" she replies. "well my sister says whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she always puts it in cider."

A teacher is teaching her class the word "fascinate". "So class, can anyone use it in a sentence?" Little Sally puts her hand up, "I went to the zoo at the weekend, it was fascinating." The teacher replies, "almost Sally, but I'm looking for 'fascinate'. Anyone else?" Little Kyle goes next, "grandpa was telling me about the war last night, I was fascinated." The teacher says, "nearly Kyle". Then Little Johnny puts his hand up, "my sister has a cardigan with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
 
NinjaBoiX said:
"Foreplay with the wife the other night, she said 'Ohh, take your ring off its hurting me.' I said 'don't flatter yourself love, it's my watch.' "
Click to expand...
Oh lord

Anyway.. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?


So they have a place to hang their air freshener.
 
Called in sick to work the other day, my boss said, "so how sick are you?" I said, "well I'm in bed with my sister."
 
A family takes a trip to the zoo one day. When they got to the elephant house the father declared that he needed to use the toilet, and left his son and wife alone looking at the elephants.

"Mum, what's that?" asked the son, pointing towards the nearest elephant.

"That's an elephant, son" said the mother.

"No... what's THAT?" asked the son again, and this time the mother noticed he was pointing between the elephants rear legs.

"Um... oh, that's nothing" said the mother, clearly flustered.

The father then returned and the mother, still a bit ruffled decided to go and get some popcorn.

"Dad, what's that?" asked the son again, pointing at the elephant.

"That's an elephant, son" said the father.

"No... what's THAT!?" asked the boy again, once again pointing between the elephants legs.

"That's the elephants cock, son" says the father.

"Oh... mum said it was nothing" says the son.



The father smiles gently to himself.



"... I spoil that woman"
 
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"

He answered, "I don't know."

I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
 
77Bzz.jpg
 
A mother is in a pet shop looking for a family pet. "I want something a bit unusual." The clerk thinks for a second, "I've got a Cobra in at the minute, how about that?" "oh no" says the woman, "I hate snakes." The clerk has another scan of the shop, "oh, I have a persian cat with a curly tail?" The woman shakes her head, "no I'm allergic."

The owner thinks for another moment, "aha! I've got just the thing, a talking parrot." The woman looks enthusiastic. "there's one thing, he lived in a brothel for years, so he's a bit of a potty mouth." The woman agrees to buy it, "they'll get a kick out of it, it's cute!" so she leaves with the parrot.

When she gets home, she puts the parrot in the kitchen, and starts on the evening meal. "who's a pretty girl then?" She's says, cooing at the bird. "Fuck off you slut" The woman reels, questioning her decision.

About 4 o'clock, little Tommy comes in from school. "Oh hi mom. Cool! A parrot! Who's a pretty girl?" "Fuck off you little bastard." Tommy looks shocked, "wow, why is he swearing at me?" The mother explains, "he was brought up in a brothel, just ignore him".

Ten minutes later, Sally gets home, and is sworn at by the bird. The mother pipes straight in, "Sorry Sally, he was brought up in a brothel, he won't swear forever, we'll train him." Sally looks a little flustered, and goes to watch TV.

Dinner time comes around, so the mother sits her kids at the table, and starts serving up. Just as she sits down, the husband gets home. The parrot turns to him, and says, "oh hi John, how's things?"
 
A woman walks up to a guy in a bar and says "hi, my names Carmen, I'm named after my two favourite things, cars and men"

the guy says "hi, my names bj tits and golf"
 
Man walks into a bar and sees a horse with a sign around his neck. The sign says '$500 If You Can Make This Horse Laugh'. The man walks up to the horse, whispers something in his ear, and the horse starts to laugh hysterically. Shocked that he's going to have to pay out for what he thought was a joke bet the bartender offers the man double or nothing if he can make the horse cry. The man says "Sure, can I take him into the back for a second?" Thinking there's no way he can make a horse cry he gives him the okay. When the man comes back the horse is weeping, streams of tears running down his face.

Flabbergasted, the bartender asks the man "I have to know, how did you make that horse laugh? Even more, how did you make him cry?" Counting his money the man replied "Oh it was easy. First I told him I had a bigger dick, then I took him in the back and showed him."
 
Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down.

The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink
1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood
2nd Vampire: I want a double shot
3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water

So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.

The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".
 
Another quality thread by sazzy lol. Cmon OP at least include 1 joke. Yeah I do but this is like a 1 sentence thread at least try bro!

Dice clay would be ashamed.

Oh 2nd post was you, so I guess you did include a joke lol. Sorry I just see a ton of threads by you that are like just one or two sentences. I got nothing against you but I wonder sometimes about your thread making ability's =/

Here I'll contribute.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_3AOEB-I6M
 
Not if the punchline is only supposed to be funny because it contains a word like "penis" or "vagina", otherwise, that's some 6th grade humor.
 
Dirty jokes are the best jokes.

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
 
A business man is going on trip and so he wants to get his wife something so she won't be lonely. So the man goes into a sex shop and tells the clerk he wants the best dildo they have. The clerk goes into the back and comes back with a old looking box. The man opens the box and inside is a regular looking dildo. The man says,"What's so special about this dildo?" The clerk says,"This is no ordinary dildo. It's a magic dildo. Observe." The clerk then says,"Magic Dildo, keyhole." The dildo then flies up on its own and starts pleasuring the keyhole on the door. The clerk then says,"Magic Dildo, box." The magic dildo immediately stops and goes back to the box. The business man buys the dildo and goes home to give his wife the present. The next day the man has left on his business trip and the wife is feeling lonely, so she opens the little box and says,"Magic Dildo, my vagina." The dildo immediately flies up and vigorously starts pleasuring her. An hour passes and the wife is more than satisfied. She then comes to the horrible realization that her husband failed to tell her how to make the dildo stop. The wife gets in her car and begins driving to the hospital. Unfortunately, the wife is pulled over by a cop and he asks her why she was speeding. The wife explains her situation to the cop and the cop says,"Hah. Magic dildo my ass."



Please dun't ban me.
 
LIMERIXXX

There once was a man from Nantucket,
who's cock was so long he could suck it.

He smiled with a wink, wiping cum from his cheek:
if my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.
 
What's the difference between a dead baby and an Apple?

I don't cum all over an apple before I eat it.

I'm going to hell, I know
 
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