Support NeoGAF

[Henchmen21]

Blackadder had some of the best quotes and one-liners ever conceived


"They do say Mrs. Miggins that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head"

"As a reward Baldrick, take a short holiday ...(beat)...Did you enjoy it? Right get back to work"

"And a festive holiday to you to Blackadder. May the yule log slip from your fire and burn your house down"

And some series 1 love:

"Chessick! Fresh Horses!"

What are some of your favorites?

 

[Switch Back 9]

Oh my goodness what an excellent thread.

Blackadder: It is said, Percy, that the civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that by learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.

Lord Percy: [delighted] Yes, I'd heard that.

Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.

.........


Hanna: One voter, 16,472 votes -- a slight anomaly...?

Blackadder: Not really, Mr. Hanna. You see, Baldrick may look like a monkey who's
been put in a suit and then strategically shaved, but he is a brillant
politician. The number of votes I cast is simply a reflection of how
firmly I believe in his policies.

And about five million more.

edit:
Captain Blackadder: [Before going over the top] Good luck, everyone.

:'(

 

[Mr Cola]

Now sir, to business. I am informed that your royal father grows ever more eccentric and at present believes himself to be (reads) "a small village in Lincolnshire, commanding spectacular views of the Nene valley.

 

[Powdered Toastman]

Baldrick: It’s that priest. He says he still wants to see you.

Edmund: And did you mention the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells?

Baldrick: I did, My Lord.

Edmund: And what did he say?

Bishop: (enters; shouts) He said, “I *am* the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and
Wells!”

 

[toddhunter]

"We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun."

 

[Chaos2Frozen]

"I have a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel!"

 

[Aarglefarg]

Prince Edmund: They're coming! Run for the hills!
Baldrick: No, my lord! They're coming from the hills!
Prince Edmund: Run away from the hills! Run away from the hills! If you see the hills, go the other way!

 

[Henchmen21]

Spoiler

I may have cheated and used Blackadder wikiquote to get this one

Darling: In short, a German spy is giving away every one of our battle plans.
Melchett: You look surprised, Blackadder.
Blackadder: I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise that we had any battle plans.
Melchett: Well of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?!
Blackadder: Our battles are directed, sir?
Melchett: Well of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the grand plan.
Blackadder: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except for Field Marshall Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan?
Melchett: [horrified] Great Scott! Even you know it!

 

[jetjevons]

Lord Flasheart with his feet on Baldrick kneeling: "You know what it's like to have the wind rushing through your hair?"

*farts*

"He does!"

Or

"I treat my women like I treat my planes. Get in Em once a day and take em to heaven and back!"

I miss Rik Mayall. :-(

 

[Spectone]

In a conversation regarding witchcraft and supernatural events.

Percy: Only this morning in the courtyard, I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!
Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?

 

[Lucreto]

General Melchett: Are you looking forward to the big push?
Private Baldrick: No sir, I'm absolutely terrified.
General Melchett: The healthy humor of the honest tommy. Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
Captain Blackadder: About thirty-five miles behind you

 

[Mr Cola]

Prince George : Then I shall flee. How's your French Blackadder?
Blackadder : Parfait monsieur. But I fear France will be not far enough.
Prince George : Well how's your Mongolian.
Blackadder : Chang hatang motzo motzo. But I fear Wellington is a close personal friend of the chief Mongol. They were at Eton together.

 

[Henchmen21]

Lord Flasheart with his feet on Baldrick kneeling: "You know what it's like to have the wind rushing through your hair?"

*farts*

"He does!"

Or

"I treat my women like I treat my planes. Get in Em once a day and take em to heaven and back!"

I miss Rik Mayall. :-(

Almost. Here's the exact quote

Flashheart: The first thing to remember is: always treat your kite [Whacks diagram with his pointer.] like you treat your woman! [Whips the air. Hard.]
George: Ho-how do you mean, sir? You mean, um... you mean, take her home over the weekend to meet your mother?
Flashheart: No. I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!

 

[GhostWriter24]

"Good luck, everyone."

 

[jetjevons]

Almost. Here's the exact quote

Flashheart: The first thing to remember is: always treat your kite [Whacks diagram with his pointer.] like you treat your woman! [Whips the air. Hard.]
George: Ho-how do you mean, sir? You mean, um... you mean, take her home over the weekend to meet your mother?
Flashheart: No. I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!

Yeah I was just going off memory. Haven't seen it in a while. The actual quote is way better.

 

[GKSilKamina]

"CHISWICK! FRESH HORSES!!"


And also one of Baldrick's poems from Blackadder Goes Forth:

Hear the words I sing
War's a horrid thing
So I sing sing sing
...ding a ling a ling.

 

[always crazy bacon]

Run into my fist Baldrick, I haven't got the energy to punch you.

 

[Chuckie]

To you, Baldrick, the Rennaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?

 

[Any Questions]

I have a cunning plan

 

[pauljeremiah]

"Don't forget your stick"

"Ah thanks, I wouldn't want to face a machine gun without it"

 

[pauljeremiah]

Also this:
https://youtu.be/C5IFwHQhC3o

 

[jellies_two]

Baldrick: "And what do I do, if I do step on a landmine?"
Blackadder: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump two hundred feet in the air and scatter oneself over a large area."

 

[Chaos2Frozen]

"I have a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel!"

https://youtu.be/Gp5St7hORyw

^Close enough

 

[PintSizedSlasher]

"Darling!"

 

[ThankeeSai]

"Oh, Edmund, can it be true, that I hold here in my mortal hand a nugget of purest green?"

The delivery of this line cracks me up, every single time.

 

[prettyvacant77]

In Court, Blackadder in the dock, Baldrick walking up to the witness stand, George as defence lawyer

Blackadder: Deny everything Baldrick...
Baldrick: <nods>

George: Are you Private Baldrick?
Baldrick: NO

George: But you are Captain Blackadder's Batman??
Baldrick: NO

Blackadder: <headbutts desk>

George: Come on Baldrick, be a bit more helpful, it's me!
Baldrick: NO IT ISN'T

 

[Henchmen21]

H: And now, finally, a word with the man who is at the center of this bye-
election mystery: the voter himself. And his name is Mr. E. Bla–
Mr. Blackadder, *you* are the only voter in this rotten borough…?

E: Yes, that’s right.

H: How long have you lived in this constituency?

E: Since Wednesday morning. I took over the previous electorate when he, very
sadly, accidentally brutally cut his head off while combing his hair.

 

[lastplayed]

I've always loved this exchange:

Crone: Ah, the Wisewoman.. the Wisewoman.
Edmund: Yes, the Wisewoman.
Crone: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is ... a woman! ...and second, she is ...
Edmund: Wise?
Crone: You do know her then?
Edmund: No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?

 

[Skirn]

Private Baldrick: Permission to ask a question, sir...

Captain Blackadder: Permission granted, Baldrick, as long as isn't the one about where babies come from.

Private Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? And, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? And there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

Captain Blackadder: Do you mean, "how did the war start?"

[Baldrick thinks for a moment]
Private Baldrick: Yeah!

Blackadder - How did the World War begin?

 

[daevious]

Baldrick: Hooray, it's the Scarlet Pimpernel

Blackadder: Yes Baldrick

Baldrick: And you killed him...

 

[D_prOdigy]

"Just go forth into the street."

 

[Rad-]

This exchange always cracks me up:

Blackadder: [rewriting the dictionary] Baldrick, what have you done?
Baldrick: I've done "C" and "D."
Blackadder: Right. Let's have it, then.
Baldrick: Right. "Big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in."
Blackadder: What's that?
Baldrick: "C."
Blackadder: Yes. Tiny misunderstanding. Still, my hopes weren't high. Oh, and "D?"
Baldrick: I'm quite pleased with "dog."
Blackadder: Yes, and your definition of "dog" is?
Baldrick: "Not a cat."

As far as single quotes go, I quite like this one:

Lord Flasheart: Just because I can give multiple orgasms to the furniture just by sitting on it, doesn't mean that I'm not sick of this damn war: the blood, the noise, the endless poetry.

 

[ClivePwned]

too many good ones.

on a side note, if you like Blackadder, check out BA co-writer Ben Elton's Upstart Crow from last year. It's channeling BAII something shocking while being its own thing.

 

[Dougald]

Private Baldrick: Permission to ask a question, sir...

Captain Blackadder: Permission granted, Baldrick, as long as isn't the one about where babies come from.

Private Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? And, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? And there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

Captain Blackadder: Do you mean, "how did the war start?"

[Baldrick thinks for a moment]
Private Baldrick: Yeah!

Blackadder - How did the World War begin?

I heard it was because a bloke called Archie Duke shot an Ostrich because he was hungry

 

[Venture]

Red Baron: "How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing! For us, it is a mundane and functional item...for you, the basis of an entire culture!"

Baldrick: "Goodbye, you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard."

 

[DBT85]

Not even going to start as I'd be here all day.

Suffice it to say that Bkackadder and Red Dwarf were my background noise for about 10 years and often still are. Despite seeing every episode dozens if times I'm still sat here giggling to myself reading these quotes. Quotes that I can hear being read in their voices in my mind.

Edit: since you've all been lax. From memory.

Bkackadder enters General Melchets office, nobody is to be seen. Captain Darling sneaks up on Bkackadder and frisks him.

Darling: Sorry Bkackadder, security.
Blackadder: Security?
Melchett: Security isn't a dirty word Bkackadder. Crevice is a dirty word, but security isn't.
Bkackadder: I see Sir, and in the name if security, everyone must have his bottom fondled by this *points at Darling* drooling pervert?

 

[nolips]

Samuel Johnson: Not only have you impecuniated my dictionary, you have also lost the chance to act as patron to the only book in the world that is even better!
Blackadder: Oh. And what is that, sir? "Dictionary 2: The Return of the Killer Dictionary"?

 

[pitcairn55]

I'm anaspeptic, frasmotic, even compunctuous to have caused you such pericombobulations.

 

[Banderdash]

Because I'd never remember the exact wording I've copy pasted it:

General Melchett: [explaining why they can't rescue Captain Blackadder] Now George, you remember when I came down to visit you when you were a nipper, for your sixth birthday? You used to have a lovely little rabbit, beautiful little thing, do you remember?

Lieutenant George: Flossie.

General Melchett: That's right, Flossie! Do you remember what happened to Flossie?

Lieutenant George: You shot him.

General Melchett: That's right! It was the kindest thing to do after he'd been run over by that car.

Lieutenant George: By *your* car, sir.

General Melchett: Yes, by my car. But that, too, was an act of mercy when you remember that that dog had been set on him.

Lieutenant George: *Your* dog, sir.

General Melchett: Yes, yes, my dog. But what I'm trying to say, George, is that the state young Flossie was in after we'd scraped him off my front tyre, is very much the state that young Blackadder will be in now: if not very nearly dead, then very actually dead!

Lieutenant George: Permission for lip to wobble, sir?

General Melchett: Permission granted.

 

[Hero-of-Time]

I've always loved this exchange:

Crone: Ah, the Wisewoman.. the Wisewoman.
Edmund: Yes, the Wisewoman.
Crone: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is ... a woman! ...and second, she is ...
Edmund: Wise?
Crone: You do know her then?
Edmund: No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?

Yup. This is an absolute favourite of mine, as well.

Another fav of mine is this.

Sir Walter: You'd never dare. Why, 'round the Cape, the rain
beats down so hard it makes your head bleed!

Edmund: So, some sort of hat is probably in order.

 

[GentlemanCrow]

"Ah, Bob."

 

[Indrid Cold1]

She goes like a privy door when the plague's in town.

 

[Hex]

One of the best ever series

 

[Chocolate & Vanilla]

pooh-pooh

 

[Any Questions]

"Oh, Edmund, can it be true, that I hold here in my mortal hand a nugget of purest green?"

The delivery of this line cracks me up, every single time.

Also one of the best quotes of all time

 

[AMUSIX]

Morning, Doncaster!

 

[Skirn]

Aah! Your skin, mi'lord!

God, I miss this show.

 

[Lapidus' Beard]

Private Baldrick: I think I can explain sir.
Captain Blackadder: Can you, Baldrick?
Private Baldrick: No.
Captain Blackadder: As I suspected. I'm not a religious man as you know, but henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into practice with the pair of you.
The phone rings. Blackadder snatches it up
Captain Blackadder: Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling. Well, you know, some of us just have friends in high places, I suppose. No I can hear you perfectly. You want what? You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename "Operation Certain Death". Yes I think I have just the fellows.
He hangs up and looks at the two
Captain Blackadder: God is very quick these days.

 

[Vitten]

In Blackadder II, the entire exchange with his execution team is hilarious but I love the delivery of his introduction speech

" Right, good morning team. My name is Edmond Blackadder, and I'm the new minister in charge of religous genocide. Now, if you play straight with me you'll find me a considerate employer, but cross me and you'll soon discover that under this playful, boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac!"

 

[Menome]

"The pathway of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd!"