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How do I wash my ass?

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CapitalismSucks DonkeyBalls

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Let me preface this by saying that I'm normally a very clean guy. I shower daily and attempt to stay as fresh and clean throughout the day as possible.

After reading a post on GAF that said, "always clean the areas you use," I realized I wasn't giving my ass cheeks the proper TLC.

Things came to a head yesterday while out shopping with the wife when I all of a sudden had to rush to the bathroom with an upset stomach. I wiped as best as I could and went on with my day. This morning, however, I went to jump in the shower and the moment my underwear came off, I was welcomed by this swampy dense tangy ass smell coming from my ass region.

I couldn't even bend down without getting a whiff of that brown noise. Petrified, I craned my neck around to my bathroom mirror, thinking I was going to find a Bob Ross painting of a dirt mound all around my cheeks and crack. Luckily, nothing suspicious was found, but that smell remained constant.

Not knowing any useful strategies for washing my ass, I went ham with a washcloth and antibacterial hand soap. I finally feel cleaner down there, but I'm hesitant to think this is the best strategy as that washcloth is likely a rancid and sad victim of my need to clean.

So, GAF, how do I properly clean my ass? Is the washcloth method the best? Or, should I invest in something else like a luffa or firehose? For anecdotal purpose, I tried using antiseptic mouthwash as a kid, but couldn't get used to the icy chill it left behind. I adopted this method from my dad, apparently, as he had self-conscious issues about his doo-doo butter factory growing up too.

TL;DR Had a bad case of swamp ass. Need best tips on how to easily wash and maintain a clean badonkadonk.
 
shower-head2.jpg
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"It's Turbo time!"
 
Moppeh said:
Go to town with a bar of soap.
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This is a problem as my butt is literally the deformed child of Robin Williams. In other words, I have a lot of hair that I think prevents the soap from properly cleaning everything. What about the dingleberries? Those must be hard to get off with just a soap bar...right?

Ramza said:
Use the bathtub like a bidet. Soap up your ass and let the waterfall handle the rest.
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I've tried this as well, but I never feel like it gets the good scrubbing it needs with water and slick soap.
 
I use a loofa and wash my face first and my taint/ass last. It feels less like I'm wiping poo on myself, even though the face actually directly follows the ass from one shower to the next.
 
Heehee badonkadonk.
Actually tho: soap it up in the shower, but don't be too fierce rubbin's or you'll get a dry, irritated ass chasm.
 
Get a bidet and wipe your ass next time. Also I recommended to get your wife to shave that asshair off, it makes wiping easier and it prevents dingleberries/cysts.
 
META said:
This is a problem as my butt is literally the deformed child of Robin Williams. In other words, I have a lot of hair that I think prevents the soap from properly cleaning everything. What about the dingleberries? Those must be hard to get off with just a soap bar...right?
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You have to use your nails. Also, if you cut down the hair in your asshole a few times, for me, its seemed to have gotten the message and lightened up. Thats a bonus tip though, but yeah, the soap will break up anything w/nails. You'll probably rip out clumps of knotted hair and everything.

Scrub your ass thoroughly like you're making a ninja sort of finger claw. This applies to the taint too, and the area in between the sack and your thighs.

You don't have to shave the hair all the way down like a clean baby ass, it seems a electric shaver did the trick, and didn't result in a bunch of itching afterwards.

I'd say 1, shave the cheeks. 2. Ninja Claw-Like grip.

engagement4.jpg


like this.
 
Japarican said:
Also I recommended to get your wife to shave that asshair off, it makes wiping easier and it prevents dingleberries/cysts.
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Famous copypasta that is super relevant to this advice:

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble ****ting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my butt-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my buttcheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my butt of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My butt was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two buttcheaks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poo- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky ****/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my butt off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my butt cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my butt at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for butt-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my buttcheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your butt having the texture of a Brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Guys, DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTT-HAIR!
 
Bidet bro. Get one.

TP alone doesn't work too great, especially if you're hairy down there.

And really get in their with you hands and rinse out that taint, when you shower.

Use a more natural soap like Dr. Bronner. Do not put a bar of soap up your ass. Just lather and use your hands and go to town.
 
META said:
Guys, DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTT-HAIR! With a with a cheap disposable razor
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Fixed that for you.. Give it a fade with an electric shaver, keep the roots, but thin out the pack. All you did was shave layers of hair, then inject layers of dirty hair and skin into the holes/surface of your skin. That became irritated, and left the door open for more irritation.
 
Moist wipes are the best. We only discovered them after getting them for our kids potty training. Now they are a permanent fixture. You can't flush more than a couple, so TP first then finish with a wet wipe.
 
I like how people are mentioning bidets as though it's no big deal to just have one installed in your apartment or for that matter any bathroom.
 
I really hate to do this, but I'm going to reference my first post ever:

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=489123

Seriously, just use baby wipes and stop your cave man ways.

Or a bidet... Either way using PAPER is disgusting.

Edit:

demon said:
I like how people are mentioning bidets as though it's no big deal to just have one installed in your apartment or for that matter any bathroom.
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I don't personally have one, but you can buy a toilet seat that essentially does the same thing.
 
1) You're trying a little hard on the jokes, but I appreciate the hustle.

2) Get some baby wipes. Scrub away, then toss it.
 
freddy said:
You're just now learning to wash your fucking backside?
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It's not as if I've left it confide alone in a room like a disappointing stepchild for 25 years. I've cleaned it the best way I know how, but I've always felt that it was unsuccessful.

The basic gist is:

1. Bidet (likely impossible as that's a more permanent solution to a temporary problem)
2. Wet wipes (the best solution I think and one I tried before becoming a frugal bastard)
3. Trimming my jungle (will likely give it a try with an electric razor and 1/4" head at some point)

4. Continue to go HAM with soap, fingernails, etc.
 
META said:
It's not as if I've left it confide alone in a room like a disappointing stepchild for 25 years. I've cleaned it the best way I know how, but I've always felt that it was unsuccessful.

The basic gist is:

1. Bidet (likely impossible as that's a more permanent solution to a temporary problem)
2. Wet wipes (the best solution I think and one I tried before becoming a frugal bastard)
3. Trimming my jungle (will likely give it a try with an electric razor and 1/4" head at some point)

4. Continue to go HAM with soap, fingernails, etc.
Click to expand...

You missed the correct answer in Post 6:

Death Metalist said:
shower-head2.jpg


"It's Turbo time!"
Click to expand...
 
META said:
It's not as if I've left it confide alone in a room like a disappointing stepchild for 25 years. I've cleaned it the best way I know how, but I've always felt that it was unsuccessful.

The basic gist is:

1. Bidet (likely impossible as that's a more permanent solution to a temporary problem)
2. Wet wipes (the best solution I think and one I tried before becoming a frugal bastard)
3. Trimming my jungle (will likely give it a try with an electric razor and 1/4" head at some point)

4. Continue to go HAM with soap, fingernails, etc.
Click to expand...


Say you're washing dishes, you don't just wipe it off without water, you need that solvent to help it come off. The bidet shoots it off then makes it soft to where wiping makes it easier and there is less to wipe. Wet wipes helps too and cleans it as well with whatever is left over. The last point with hair, imagine if you're a girl with hair, it takes forever to clean and it might not even be clean, now become a fresh recruit in military boot camp, that bald-ass head gets cleaned in seconds.
 
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