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[gofreak]

OK, the GAF is renowned far and wide for its effective dating advice, thus, here I am, asking for your help....(alright, maybe not "renowned"..but you'll probably at least as good as my friends )

How do you play this situation - you really like someone, and they seem to like you, but they are quite caught up with "the ex". They claim to really love their ex, and are holding out hope of getting back with them. Thus they're holding you at arms length. Now, to be clear, I have already stated that I am interested in this person as more than just friends, and they haven't been terribly uncomfortable with that. But they keep explaining that they're just not ready to give up on their ex yet. I have been playing this sympathetically...wishing them luck in getting back together etc. but I don't want to seem like the unconditionally understanding friend. Like I can't pretend I hope they get back together...I mean, in one way I do, because I'd like to see this person happy, yet on the other hand..my selfish side wants to be with the person so bad. How should I approach this?

Help me, GAF!! Thank you.

edit - since there's been some confusion: gofreak = man, person i'm after = man

 

[pollo]

haha omg cut off all ties now.
the drama is NOT worth it.

 

[distantmantra]

You've let her know how you feel, now you just have to sit back and wait it out. If they are still hung up on their ex, then being in a relationship with them would be hell.

edit: Sorry for using "her."

 

[MonkeyBoy]

you best let her go, if she is that attached to her ex, then all you are to her is a big brother, a shoulder to cry on. if you were even to build a relationship with her i would say it wont last. to save yourself some heart ache leave her be and move to another girl that wants it.

 

[Desperado]

FHUTA

 

[Dyne]

I'll help you.

Take your ass to www.sosuave.com.

They can help you.

 

[gofreak]

We've talked a little about it, and it's obvious that they hurt each other a lot. He (yeah, it's a guy..I was trying to be as gender neutral as possible, but this is hard ) is quite pessimistic about getting back together with the ex, and his "logical side" tells him to move on. But he can't quite yet...

 

[aoi tsuki]

Let him go and move on. You've already established yourself as the unconditionally understanding friend, and you're just wasting your time and energy pining over someone who can't get over a relationship that's already.

 

[Seth C]

First, this place GIVES a lot of dating advice because a lot of people ask here (for some unknown reason). That doesn't mean it gives good advice, just a lot of it.

Second, abandon ship. Bail out now and find someone who won't be emotionally detached.

 

[gofreak]

Hmmm, not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I can totally see where y'all are coming from. I'd be petrified of getting with this guy, only for him to shortly thereafter turn around, proclaim it a mistake, and go running back to the ex. I'd need to be absolutely sure it was all over, and be exceptionally confident of my own ability to capture his heart in a stronger way than his ex did. That's hard to guarantee..

Assuming I did want to stick with it and see what happens..does anyone have any advice for how to play things smartly?

 

[MonkeyBoy]

GoFreak is a girl???????????

 

[pollo]

you definately need to bail if their relationship is one of those hurting each other relationships. For some sick, twisted, sadist reason those only further ahead the "love" they feel for each other. If and she did break up with her bf, watch her just totally screw you over as well...itll be bound to happen

edit:

oh wait shit youre a girl? then ummm...i really dont know...forget my advice.
wtf.wtf.

 

[Cubsfan23]

1.Date other women

2.See this girl once a week or less, and when you do see her, casually bring up the fact that you are dating other women, and other things going in your life. You are a busy man. ( You have to actually do this, don't pretend )

3. Basically you aren't a challenge, her ex is. Show her you won't be taken for granted.

4. After you do all that, you might actually realize you don't want to date her after all. Shock Shock.

edit: if you're a girl, the same advice still applies

 

[gofreak]

lol, oh god, i was trying to be as gender neutral as possible to make my situation universal. I'm a guy, he's a guy. Clear now?

Thanks cubsfan. The dating other people thing sounds like a good idea, but this guy might be the type to get easily discouraged if he sees I'm "moving on" with another, and hence he might then write me off. I'm still not entirely aware of the situation with him. I'll see how things go in the short term and then put a plan into motion...(muwhahahahahahaha!)

Thanks.

Anyone else got any ideas?

 

[open_mouth_]

You Go, Freak!

 

[Koshiro]

I'm going to suggest something radical that I don't think has ever been suggested on these forums before.

Just tell her exactly what you're telling us, be open and say what you're thinking rather than playing games around the situation, and if she turns you down, move on. No point wasting time over this.

 

[StrikerObi]

1.Date other women

2.See this girl once a week or less, and when you do see her, casually bring up the fact that you are dating other women, and other things going in your life. You are a busy man. ( You have to actually do this, don't pretend )

3. Basically you aren't a challenge, her ex is. Show her you won't be taken for granted.

4. After you do all that, you might actually realize you don't want to date her after all. Shock Shock.

edit: if you're a girl, the same advice still applies

Needs more cocky and funny.

 

[Cubsfan23]

Thanks cubsfan. The dating other people thing sounds like a good idea, but this guy might be the type to get easily discouraged if he sees I'm "moving on" with another

Who cares, who's reality do you live in? Make him come into your world instead of vice versa.

 

[open_mouth_]

I'm going to suggest something radical that I don't think has ever been suggested on these forums before.

Just tell her exactly what you're telling us, be open and say what you're thinking rather than playing games around the situation, and if she turns you down, move on. No point wasting time over this.

Or if that fails... SHAKE IT!

 

[sefskillz]

i say just forget about it all together, they'll probably never forget about the ex and if the ex ever gives them a shot again they'll jump on it. you can't put yourself in a situation like that.

but im a cynical bastard.

 

[aoi tsuki]

i say just forget about it all together, they'll probably never forget about the ex and if the ex ever gives them a shot again they'll jump on it. you can't put yourself in a situation like that.

but im a cynical bastard.

i agree, although things aren't so black and white when you're the one that has to make the decision to move on. In my situation, i hit it a few times before she went back to her boyfriend. Considering she was a flake anyways, it was pretty win-win for me.

 

[Date of Lies]

FHUTA

 

[Grizzlyjin]

My friend really liked this girl. She even liked him back, but she was still caught up on a guy that broke up with her 2 YEARS AGO!!! The ex rarely even talked to her except for in passing when he had to. Long story short, my friend got screwed over, the ex split the girl open and dumped her AGAIN, and everyone is left crying. Well not the ex...but even I was crying for the hours of sobbing and moaning I had to hear because my friend was stuck up on this girl.

Alright, there seem to be two Grizzly approved ways to avoid this situation. Either you show her that your better than the ex through being a really really nice guy. Or you just give her time to sort things out. Ask her to come to you when she is ready, you understand that she is going through a lot, and you know that she'll make a smart choice.

But you don't want to be really really close when the ex is feeling horny, cause he could pull her in like THAT. She is either with you 100% or not at all, that "eX" factor can't be hanging over your head.

 

[NLB2]

1.Date other women

2.See this girl once a week or less, and when you do see her, casually bring up the fact that you are dating other women, and other things going in your life. You are a busy man. ( You have to actually do this, don't pretend )

3. Basically you aren't a challenge, her ex is. Show her you won't be taken for granted.

4. After you do all that, you might actually realize you don't want to date her after all. Shock Shock.

edit: if you're a girl, the same advice still applies

You forgot step five:

5. When you are around him you have to be cocky/funny.

edit: I guess i was a bit late...

 

[NLB2]

Alright, there seem to be two Grizzly approved ways to avoid this situation. Either you show her that your more manly than the ex through being a really really abusive guy. Or you just give her time to sort things out. Ask her to come to you when she is ready, you understand that she is going through a lot, and you know that she'll make a smart choice.

Fixed it for you Grizzly.

 

[Mermandala]

when being kept at arm's length the only solution is to saw at the shoulder.
you will get your boy if you don't flinch at the sight of blood and mantain practised even strokes.

heart-capturing is much trickier voodoo. without the aid of a steel-clawed midget with a backpack or a giant-sized coleslaw grinder and mason jar forget it.

in short - be more aggressive. finding a skilled and trustworthy wee person in this economy, who also happens to have been hand-impaired, is a fool's dream.

 

[Grizzlyjin]

Fixed it for you Grizzly.

Thanks, you right. Being the nice guy doesn't work at all. Being nice is alright, but you gotta be so much more in the dating scene these days.

 

[ElyrionX]

I find it highly amusing that so many different people actually continue referring to gofreak's love interest as a "she" or "her" when he has explicitly stated the opposite.

Lazy or deluded? You decide......

 

[tenchir]

I find it highly amusing that so many different people actually continue referring to gofreak's love interest as a "she" or "her" when he has explicitly stated the opposite.

Lazy or deluded? You decide......

I'm the latter.

 

[Grizzlyjin]

I'm the latter.

Same. Well actually I only read the first post and then wrote.

I guess I shouldn't have just assumed like that, I apologize. But what I said still stands. You don't want to get into a situation where the current love interest comes running when the ex is a callin'

 

[gofreak]

I imagine a lot of people didn't read the full thread, and just replied to my first post. I'll edit it for clarity.

Thanks for the tips sofar. I know this is a tricky situation. I don't like to play games, but if I just keep proclaiming my unconditional interest in this guy (i.e. "be honest and don't play games"), like Cubsfan said, I'll be the easy one, the ex will be the challenge. Challenge = more interest. A combination of making myself less available + his own waning interest in the ex (hopefully) = success? I've been in his situation before (getting over someone you really love), and I know it's possible, so hopefully he'll move on sooner rather than later. He seems to be of the opinion that he should just move on to avoid more hurt, though I know it can be slow and painful..

 

[ohamsie]

My friend was in the same situation as you are, he has pined away for this girl for three years with no result. She has him totally pussy whipped, and he ain't even getting the pussy. My advice would be to BAIL OUT.