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[Puscifer]

Never thought I'd make a post like this here but honestly no one knows who I am and I figured I might as well put myself out there.


We moved to West NY 3 years ago and it broke our marriage and there was no going back. I loved him a lot but between personal differences that kept raising and mental health lows for both of us it just felt right and we split with no fighting. I thought I would be hurt but honestly we both admitted that we felt relieved it was finally over. I moved back to California and started the divorce proceedings 6 months after establishing residency and serving papers because of the sheer ease of it here vs filling in New York.

But I thought I didn't want to date anyone anymore but being single as much as it made me happy, I was enjoying more of the outdoors spontaneously, reading more books and doing things that weren't in my normal repitoire like improv classes, which is where I couldn't help but latch onto this person I'm seeing now. We're both divorced which is helping as I haven't been able to communicate with my family who accused me of "giving up" after 12 years of dating and 10 years of those being married so I connected just as friend but it moved to romance after a month of just talking, small dates and getting to know each other.

Things are going extremely well, but I can't help but feel like I shouldn't be doing this and that it's "too soon", even though I haven't been with my ex for over a year and a half and only delayed my divorce because of cost. I also just like how much we have in common, that we have Mutual goals in terms of education and earning potential. It feels so right but so wrong to be doing this.

 

[jshackles]

Nobody gets to decide how soon is "too soon", except for you.

You're allowed to be happy.

 

[Puscifer]

Nobody gets to decide how soon is "too soon", except for you.

You're allowed to be happy.

Very true, but there's this part of me that seemingly feels like I'm hurting my ex somehow by moving on and it's such an absolutely stupid feeling that a dead marriage is making me think like this.

 

[jshackles]

Very true, but there's this part of me that seemingly feels like I'm hurting my ex somehow by moving on and it's such an absolutely stupid feeling that a dead marriage is making me think like this.

No I think that's pretty normal - you guys were together for 12 years and were, presumably, a big part of each other's lives for that time. Even after a year and a half, it's going to be hard to untangle them from your feelings. However, the guilt about hurting your ex - your ex felt that hurt when the divorce happened.

Source: am man who has been through two divorces but has now been happily married for almost 20 years.

During my first divorce, it was about a year / year and a half that I was single and didn't really date or have serious feelings towards others. We were high school sweethearts, and she was the only woman I had been with up to that point, so I remember also feeling strange and somewhat guilty about dating afterwards.

My second wife was a straight-up bitch that cheated on me, we were only married for two years. I was having dates and casual hookups and whatnot before the ink was even dry on our divorce papers.

Bottom line is - only you know what you're going to be comfortable with, and how much time is enough time. Don't force it. If your current arrangement makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, it might be too soon to start dating again.

Do you have any contact with your ex? With this much time that's passed, your ex might also be dating again (or starting soon). If so, would you feel somehow betrayed by that, or would you want him to be happy? More likely than not, their answer to that question would be the same about you too.

 

[The Cockatrice]

Very true, but there's this part of me that seemingly feels like I'm hurting my ex somehow by moving on and it's such an absolutely stupid feeling that a dead marriage is making me think like this.

Feelings dont easily go away, but living in the past is stupid. I'll be more blunt than jshackles and tell you straight, move the fuck on or time will tear you down if you dont. I hate ignorant people but they have it easier in life and in certain cases, you need to be like them. This is one of those cases. You are not hurting anyone. You're both adults.

 

[Mossybrew]

Yup, live your life, don't look back. You no longer need to shoulder any of your exes concerns either real or imagined. Not your problem! You get to decide.

Personally I've been divorced over 8 years and have felt no need to date again at all, but I'm a weirdo quite content to be alone.

 

[AlteredForms]

During the divorce.

 

[Puscifer]

Yup, live your life, don't look back. You no longer need to shoulder any of your exes concerns either real or imagined. Not your problem! You get to decide.

Personally I've been divorced over 8 years and have felt no need to date again at all, but I'm a weirdo quite content to be alone.

I was too till this person came along, honestly I think what made it so unique is that we met outside the Internet, spontaneously and just connected and that grass roots feeling is so different.

Feelings dont easily go away, but living in the past is stupid. I'll be more blunt than jshackles and tell you straight, move the fuck on or time will tear you down if you dont. I hate ignorant people but they have it easier in life and in certain cases, you need to be like them. This is one of those cases. You are not hurting anyone. You're both adults.

Facts here, honestly one thing I learned near the end of the marriage is how often I *NEED* to STOP putting emotions into decision making.

No I think that's pretty normal - you guys were together for 12 years and were, presumably, a big part of each other's lives for that time. Even after a year and a half, it's going to be hard to untangle them from your feelings. However, the guilt about hurting your ex - your ex felt that hurt when the divorce happened.

Source: am man who has been through two divorces but has now been happily married for almost 20 years.

During my first divorce, it was about a year / year and a half that I was single and didn't really date or have serious feelings towards others. We were high school sweethearts, and she was the only woman I had been with up to that point, so I remember also feeling strange and somewhat guilty about dating afterwards.

My second wife was a straight-up bitch that cheated on me, we were only married for two years. I was having dates and casual hookups and whatnot before the ink was even dry on our divorce papers.

Bottom line is - only you know what you're going to be comfortable with, and how much time is enough time. Don't force it. If your current arrangement makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, it might be too soon to start dating again.

Do you have any contact with your ex? With this much time that's passed, your ex might also be dating again (or starting soon). If so, would you feel somehow betrayed by that, or would you want him to be happy? More likely than not, their answer to that question would be the same about you too.

The only contact we really have at this point is the closing of the house to split the equity we're planning on making from it which should be about 30K each after it's all said and done, he wanted to stay in the house while he figured things out and now that he's done we're putting it on the market. I think this might be why I'm feeling that way because even though it was pretty amicable and we talked through everything the house was the last asset with our name it to worry about.

I think I just want us both to be happy at the end of the day, which we weren't at the end. It was two bitter people who hated being around each other and it wasn't a happy let alone content way to live, there's definitely a point to what my family is saying to try and fix things but I don't want to get into a breakup / make-up lifestyle, that shit is torturous even on the outside.

But then I start thinking about the last year we were together and fuck me I would NEVER risk feeling like that again.

 

[Mossybrew]

my family is saying to try and fix things

They need to mind they own biz. They weren't the ones that had to be married to this guy.

 

[DaleinCalgary]

Your dick will tell you

 

[Winter John]

Mutual goals. Improv. Jesus Christ. Remember when we had threads about tits

 

[Mistake]

I don't think there is anything wrong with dating again, but I would be very careful falling into something you don't want (or think you want.) You're on the rebound, and it will take a little time to settle and get your head straight

 

[Rentahamster]

Very true, but there's this part of me that seemingly feels like I'm hurting my ex somehow by moving on and it's such an absolutely stupid feeling that a dead marriage is making me think like this.

I'm glad you recognize how stupid that feeling is and how detrimental it is to your recovery.

It sounds like you're more than ready to move on. From what you said, it's logical and reasonable to move on, but it seems like your emotional side needs to catch up to your logical side.

Good luck

 

[L*][*N*K]

It is very brave to actually do that, I suggest you do it the moment you feel ready, it is up to you no one else.

 

[Thaedolus]

I’d be prowling for pussy immediately if I got divorced. I know the feelings are certainly complicated when you’ve been with someone for so long but how the ex feels about you moving on once it’s really over and done with is their problem, not yours. I’d be more concerned about how I deal with a new relationship and introducing my kids…that seems more complicated and delicate.

 

[Tams]

Who cares?

Why do you care what others think of your relationship status and relationships? It's your life: not anybody else's.

It doesn't matter if they are friends or family being judgemental; they should respect your choices.

Obviously be aware of others and don't be a selfish arsehole, but that applies with others towards you too.

 

[navii]

For me I try to move on asap. You might need to try on a few partners, but you will find the right one sooner or later, any experience is a good experience.

 

[nush]

During the divorce.

Worked for me.

 

[Hudo]

Your dick will tell you

This is the only real answer. Unironically.

 

[AJUMP23]

I don't know. Go onto Farmers only and see what you can find.