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[arkhamguy123]

Had a strange epiphany recently. I'm 25, almost 26, and it feels like just yesterday I had just turned 22 and was on this very off-topic forum asking for career advice as I had one offer in New York City and another in my hometown. The former was the better offer but I was hesitant because I thought, "but all my best friends are in the hometown!" To which some of you out there retorted that that is unimportant and as I would get older I'd see that never really lasts like how I think it will. To which internally I scoffed at that with the upmost disbelief and distain. However this exact notion was something I had been hearing from older people like parents and other adults since I was a kid. Which of course I always thought was "just them" or just straight up wrong. "What do they know?" I'd think to myself

Well here I am decently older, in the hometown and wow, depressing revelation, everyone was right? I go months without seeing some of the guys. To be fair, we all have serious GFs, we're all moved in with our signifiant others or might as well be, but still even before that I felt it drifting. Its nothing like cartoonishly bad or malevolent. It's just, life I guess? Guys I've known since middle school will just ghost texts, not return calls, not reach out unless I do, just seem generally apathetic towards the good ol value of adult friendships. If I really needed these guys they'd be there in a heartbeat, like if I was hurt, or depressed or needed help in anyway. In fact some of them just helped me move. But outside of that it seems like the days of talking on the phone for hours or inviting them over to play video games or go do something are kind of done. And everyone has their own friendship circle outside of me that also has to get focus, often times more focus. And you add in everyone has full time jobs? Game over.

And its not just friends from public school/childhood. I made a few adult friends at my old apartment that I would consider very-very close for the 2 years I was there and almost immediately after I moved, same story. Don't reach out, ghosts texts, always have a reason they can't hang out anymore. Same apathy. These people are also in committed relationships and moved in with their SO. The only one who still seems to venerate the old high school days and wants to hang is the one who is like 25 and still lives with his mom... so make of that what you will. Is this all just part of growing up? Or is it just me?

 

[EverydayBeast]

Responsibilities out weigh friends of course there’s times to have friends when work is over.

 

[Kamina]

Life gets in the way often and makes people drift away from each other.
True friends stick through this.

 

[yet_another_alt]

Work really just kills your social life. Hell, I probably interact with people at work more than my own family which is really just depressing if I think about it. Except I don't really have much time to think about it because I'm usually thinking about work.

 

[DGrayson]

It gets worse.

 

[Reizo Ryuu]

Some people get sucked into their relationships and just disappear, I have a friend like that, haven't spoken to him in years after he got a serious GF and moved to another city.
My other friends I can count on one hand but we are super tight, it's hard for some of them to make time because of having families, but they still make the effort.

 

[German Hops]

Friends are OK to have through life, but at some point, you have to grow up and prioritize building your own family above all else.
That's just how it goes.

Did you think you were going to be playing Mario Kart and eating pizza with friends for the rest of your life?

 

[Reizo Ryuu]

Friends are OK to have through life, but at some point, you have to grow up and prioritize building your own family above all else.
That's just how it goes.

....found the guy who disappears on his friends after getting a girlfriend.

 

[Jinzo Prime]

Friends are OK to have through life, but at some point, you have to grow up and prioritize building your own family above all else.
That's just how it goes.

Did you think you were going to be playing Mario Kart and eating pizza with friends for the rest of your life?

I fucking wish, that sounds great.

 

[German Hops]

....found the guy who disappears on his friends after getting a girlfriend.

I blame puberty.

 

[Krappadizzle]

Wait till you have kids...

It's a part of life. We all grow, change, and evolve as we get older. My nearly 40 y/o self is a lot different than my 21+ y/o self. Honestly, I'm more surprised I made it to my age without some crazy disease or dead. Glad to have done the things I've done, love my friends, I cherish the time I get to spend with them when that happens, but that's not my life right now and it won't even be the way it is now in like 5+ years even.

The "real ones" are the ones that understand that and are ok with the occasional catchup phone call and once in a blue moon gathering and still consider you friends.

 

[arkhamguy123]

Friends are OK to have through life, but at some point, you have to grow up and prioritize building your own family above all else.
That's just how it goes.

Did you think you were going to be playing Mario Kart and eating pizza with friends for the rest of your life?

Unironically yeah kinda but I see now I was foolish and naive

 

[newtypepilot]

you grow your friends wtf?

 

[Scotty W]

I blame puberty.

Couldn’t stop playing with mouse balls?

 

[Kilau]

seems like the days of talking on the phone for hours

lol what

 

[Meicyn]

My best friend and I both play online games together when timings align. Did a multiplayer session of Baldur’s Gate 3 last night. This past weekend I hosted dinner, made chicken teriyaki and his family was over to eat. His son’s birthday party is this Saturday and I’m bringing a gift card that’ll cover any Switch game a second-grader desires.

We were away from each other for more than a decade due to the realities of frequent military deployments and geographic separation. We didn’t talk nearly as much as we used to. But we ended up reconnecting in the past two years and are now in the same area once again.

Life is a rollercoaster. Things can change! Biggest thing IMO is making it more compelling for your friends to hang out, especially if they have kids. In my example, me hosting dinner allows my friend’s wife to have a bit of a break due to not having to cook. The kids play Paw Patrol, It Takes Two, or TMNT on the PS5 and so they’re having fun, while the parents can just sit and relax a bit in the kitchen while I’m cooking. We just shoot the shit. Once a month we eat at a restaurant, alternating on which family chooses, but making sure there’s food options for the kids since tastes don’t mature until way later.

tldr it’s not always the end.

 

[bitbydeath]

I fucking wish, that sounds great.

 

[CrankyJay™]

It gets worse.

lol yup. Came here to post this.

 

[arkhamguy123]

lol yup. Came here to post this.

Great.

 

[Trilobit]

The friends that ghost you are the same ones who desperately call past friends after their wives have left them and they realize they've had virtually no social life outside their family and work colleagues.

 

[John Marston]

When I was 18 it was great to have my posse of 6 friends where we would go out and get shitfaced 3 times a week.

Also playing NHL & Madden with some beers when we didn't feel like going out.

Then for me life just happened and we lost touch. It happens, we grow and take different directions.

I identify with your friends who ghosted you because it's exactly how I feel.
As I grew older I didn't need so many friends.

Don't take it personally and move on.
If you need people in your life make new friends. Fuck your high school years it's in the past

 

[OmegaSupreme]

I have friends I haven't seen in 20 years lol. It's only going to get worse as others have said. Just wait till you have a kid. They really disappear then.

 

[AJUMP23]

Get better friends. My friends are great. We all have loves and families but we still do stuff.

 

[Mistake]

I actually see my friends with kids more often than the ones without. I just became the uncle in a way. You won't have time for all the bro stuff you used to, but the good ones will still be there when you need them most

 

[Tams]

I don't have many friends, but the few I do are from early childhood and we're very close.

Obviously, everyone has far less time to spare to hang out or even chat, but we do make an effort.

That said, I know the very shallow 'friendships' very well from the people I spent time with later in life. I'm still touch with exactly one.

 

[Trogdor1123]

It gets worse.

Yep. I’m 42 and used to have tons of friends. I ended around the same time I had kids. I just didn’t have time very often anymore. We all just drifted apart. I got a few I chat with but I’d say I’m down to maybe 2-3 true friends. Maybe less.

 

[Platinumstorm]

I think it's important to recognize how much time is taken out of your life when you're working, commuting, and meeting your responsibilities whether you're single, dating, or have a family.

My friends with kids are essentially a "hey nice knowing you, see you in a few years" situation. And all of that is ok.

I make attempts at hanging out with my old friends, and if that happens 2-4 times a year, that's cool. I happen to have a friend that lives a mile from me coincidentally; and we do things a lot even though we didn't in the past. I know my neighbors very well.

The work life that we have now is very toxic. Both people in a household working [male or female] leaves even less time for socialization than in the past. Until this changes; until there is less exploitation of individuals; this is going to be an issue.

 

[Alex Anderson]

Mine revealed this before adulthood.

 

[Sakura]

I have the same circle of friends since elementary school/high school.
We all talk on discord every day. We don't live in the same town any more, but we still meet up a few times a year to go camping or whatever else.

 

[John Marston]

When getting older my circle of friends just got smaller.

Again it's not hate related, just people going their own way.

Now I have 2 friends I can count on.

One for bullshit, movies and crazy talk.

The other one who stood by me during a critical time in my life when I almost died.

I haven't seen her since June but I know if I need her she will drop everything to rush by my side

And that by itself fills me with joy.
So I can be an antisocial pig

 

[Nitty_Grimes]

I don’t have any friends.

I’m single and all my (none) friends are either shacked up or married so never see any of them.

 

[MacReady13]

I am 43. I had dreams. I had massive ambitions. Kids and family took over and now I see none of my friends. I am in contact with a close friend from when I was younger pretty much every day over the phone but to see each other, that’s gone. Life really does get in the way.
All my other “friends” from school are single and I don’t really talk to them anymore. They have their own lives and they’re seemingly all happy.

 

[Go_Ly_Dow]

Comes down to effort and time. If the friendship is valued enough by both sides then you'll make time and effort to see and/or talk to each other, preferably in person a few times a month or at points in the year.

Naturally as you get older and people get jobs, start careers, emphasise their relationships and start a family their time gets sucked up. I think a lot of people get so strapped for time that when they do have a free day they just wanna chill. A lot of people also get more comfortable with their situation whatever it is and some can become less outgoing and just want a simple less socially complex life.

It's a mix of things, but those are my obersavations at 33. However, I'm lucky to have several friends who I still speak to or see at least once a month. In the end it comes down to first valuing the friendship and then making and effort.

 

[arkhamguy123]

I am 43. I had dreams. I had massive ambitions. Kids and family took over and now I see none of my friends. I am in contact with a close friend from when I was younger pretty much every day over the phone but to see each other, that’s gone. Life really does get in the way.
All my other “friends” from school are single and I don’t really talk to them anymore. They have their own lives and they’re seemingly all happy.

Damn man…

 

[Pegasus Actual]

Sounded familiar so of course I had to go look it up.

Over the years your friends will slowly ditch you anyway. So you may as well start working on not being so clingy! If being a whopping 45 minutes away from a 'great' city is too isolated for you though I don't know what to tell you, I'm no that kind of creature. But don't outsource your decision to fucking NeoGAF.

^dammit I missed a typo... and that shit was just sitting there for two and a half years. Well, it's fixed now. But did fixing it really make it better? No, the edit timestamp just makes me look like more of a moron.

Not these three guys. Trust me.

As for that last part, in fairness I did lead with the very first thing I said being an acknowledgment of the silliness of taking it to a gaming forum. But theres a lot of bright people here and I've gotten a lot of insights from people with more life experience which made asking it on neogaf less silly.

Only time will tell. Trust me.

Well, let me know if you would like any other 'wisdom' from me for you to promptly discard.

 

[killatopak]

Fortunately, I have friends that do the opposite.

I’m very blessed with them.

I’m actually the guy that won’t talk to you unless you talk to them first. It’s not that I don’t like you or we’re not friends anymore. I’m just not comfortable starting conversations unless I really need to. I do however let them know that I got their back whenever they need me. While I, on the other hand, struggle to actually ask for help even if I’m on my wits end. I feel like I failed or something if I do.

 

[arkhamguy123]

Sounded familiar so of course I had to go look it up.


^dammit I missed a typo... and that shit was just sitting there for two and a half years. Well, it's fixed now. But did fixing it really make it better? No, the edit timestamp just makes me look like more of a moron.



Well, let me know if you would like any other 'wisdom' from me for you to promptly discard.

Haha hey I can admit when I’m wrong. I’m sad to be wrong but yes you were right

 

[DeafTourette]

I didn't really have friends as a kid so any "Friends" I had in school were just classmates. Well, friends who lived where my grands did ... But the dynamic was kinda the same...

Fast Forward to adulthood with friends I made on another message board (long defunct now) but they've lasted. One of my besties usually works at a bar and always has me as far as drinks ... Another moved and we keep in touch almost every week. Another barely goes outside so we have to chat online until he has free time. Yet another I have only hung out with a total of 5 times (I think). And it goes on like that, lots of different scenarios.

OP, your friends and you are adults now. With lives and responsibilities. You can't expect them to be on the phone for hours or game with you online for hours. Set times and dates to hang out for events. Plan trips or outings. As adults, we can't do spur of the moment things anymore.

A calendar app is your best friend for your best friends. And WhatsApp!

 

[Pegasus Actual]

Haha hey I can admit when I’m wrong. I’m sad to be wrong but yes you were right

And I'm sad to be right. So nobody wins. Not quite a nugget of wisdom but that's all I got.

Actually looking at the date of your previous thread... so that was just ahead of my 40th birthday. Which was also the day I finally buried my 'best' friendship. Phone calls over the years became "well, I'm too busy so don't call me, I'll call you", which really just means he'd call once a year on my birthday, which is plenty infrequent enough to where you don't even really try to catch up. I figured I'll just text the dude every now and again about the sportsball team or whatever... ya know, low pressure, asynchronous... but nope, nothing. Like texts don't even exist. Not even a 'thanks' in response to the "happy birthday" text. Not trying to hang out or anything, we live 2,000 miles apart at this point.

So, the birthday came around, I didn't pick up the call (it would have been "Happy birthday, I heard about your dad, sorry", or if he hadn't heard I'd have to go over my dad passing two months beforehand when we got to the portion of the call where he asks about my parents, and I really wasn't feeling that shit), he didn't leave a message, and that was that.

 

[Mr Reasonable]

I recently met up with a friend I went to college with to go see a band. I haven't seen him for a few years but still think of him as a good friend. As we left I said to him:

"if we meet up with the same frequency..."

"We might only do this 10 more times before we die? Yeah, I think about it all the time"

We sent a couple of messages the day after.

Haven't spoken since. I wouldn't be averse to hanging out again, would like to in fact. But that's how it goes, I suppose.

 

[T-0800]

I'm 52 and my friends these days are my wife (best friend anyway) and my 3 children. 2 of those are adults. Who needs friends when you can create your own.

 

[GymWolf]

You still have your buddies in the graphical fidelity topic

 

[The Cockatrice]

I only have 4 friends ever since I was a kid and we still are, even tho they have a life now, at least two of them. We still play games. I'm mostly at fault as I've been focusing too much on singleplayer games cuz there have been A LOT of them this year but I will return to some coop shenannigans.

 

[SF Kosmo]

Maintaining community as an adult requires a lot of effort. It isn't that it isn't important or that it's impossible, but you have to build your life around it, and most people don't.

I'm in my 40s. I still have a group of friends that I talk to regularly, but most of them live over an hour away, in all different directions. I see them sometimes, but never more than one at once.

My wife, on the other hand, has designed her whole life around her community. She lives walking distance to at least 5 households of friends, and schedules time to see most of them weekly. One family is actually next door to us because we moved into that apartment to be near them.

But all your high school friends aren't gonna do that, you know moving to New York in your 20s is actually a great way to build up a bunch of friends that are all a short distance from you.

 

[th4tguy]

Being a parent is lonely , which is a strange thought. You have more people in your household but you see anyone of significance outside of home hardly ever and any interaction feels so superficial or distracting because you usually are in a hurry, juggling a child/ children

 

[Dr.D00p]

Better off without them.

'Friends' are just people who haven't yet found a reason to stab you in the back.

 

[SF Kosmo]

Being a parent is lonely , which is a strange thought. You have more people in your household but you see anyone of significance outside of home hardly ever and any interaction feels so superficial or distracting because you usually are in a hurry, juggling a child/ children

A kid can also bring people closer together. My daughter has tons of people in her life who she sees as "aunts" and "uncles," who are just our friends.

I'm definitely in the "Takes a village" camp. Kids this generation are socially weird enough as is, teaching them to maintain community and keep friends close is an important lesson for their mental health growing up.

 

[Mr Reasonable]

you know moving to New York in your 20s is actually a great way to build up a bunch of friends that are all a short distance from you.

But also, potentially ones that will all move to different suburbs once they want to stop renting.

You're definitely right about men and women approaching friendships differently, my girlfriend sees her friends much more often than I do, and like you, it's rare to get a group together.

Women are better at keeping friendships going, imo. It's fairly well documented that a significant number of men become friendless in middle age. There will be many complex reasons for this, but I think perhaps, as you point out, men more regularly don't make their social lives important parts in their decision making when planning their lives Vs women.

One thing that I notice about myself is that I don't check in on people as much as I should and simultaneously resent it when certain people don't check in on me. I've let some relationships fade away that I should have proactively maintained. Maybe if you're reading this and sometimes think about a friend you haven't spoken to in a while, perhaps check in with them. I'm going to send a couple of messages today.

 

[-Minsc-]

It gets worse.

People start dying.

Maintaining community as an adult requires a lot of effort. It isn't that it isn't important or that it's impossible, but you have to build your life around it, and most people don't.

I was taking to a fellow about ten years my senior. He said he went through different batches of friends at different phases of life. College friends were different from high school. When his sons were into hockey he had hockey parent friends. Now his kids are grown up so at yet another stage of life.

Sounds to me like the key is to make the best of whatever situation you are into at the time.

One thing that I notice about myself is that I don't check in on people as much as I should and simultaneously resent it when certain people don't check in on me. I've let some relationships fade away that I should have proactively maintained. Maybe if you're reading this and sometimes think about a friend you haven't spoken to in a while, perhaps check in with them. I'm going to send a couple of messages today.

That was the difficult thing with me. Back in school I gravitated more toward the social people. By that I mean I let others make the first contact. Reaching out and making contact is difficult to me. Definitely easier now.

I can see what you mean about maintaining relationships. My online time has definitely stunted my in person friendships. Reminds me that I should reach out to my cousin who now lives across the ocean and arrange some online game to play.

 

[Mr Reasonable]

. Reaching out and making contact is difficult to me

Yeah, it's a choice though, isn't it? If both of you find it difficult, then you'll never speak. I guess pick one!