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I just found my long lost father online. What should I do GAF?

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C

Choppasmith

Member
All possible jokes from the title aside, let me bring you up to speed GAFers.

Okay so, once upon a time, about 26 years ago, my biological mother and father met, enjoyed a fling and had me. My mom wasn't liking the way their relationship was going. Saying that, despite being a nice guy, didn't seem cut out for parenthood / married life and left him and didn't want him in my life. From what I could discern growing up, he simply made dodgy child support payments, but offered no contact or letters from him in any way.

I found a lot of this back story out when I was around 17 or 18. My mother broke down saying she regretted not having him in my life. She suggested contacting certain people to get a hold of him, but at the time, the whole idea seemed a lot to take in and I declined mostly because I just couldn't shake the thought of how awkward it would feel to meet him.

Fast forward to earlier this week. Watching an old episode of In Plain Sight where the homeless witness wants to track down his real birth mother kinda prompted me to the idea of running his name (who I had thanks to a copy of my birth certificate) through Google.

And I found him on Facebook.

What really struck me was seeing a picture of him for the first time ever and seeing my resemblance to him. This definitely wasn't some guy who just happened to share the same name. His original location matched up to my birth city and everything.

I find out by perusing his Facebook that he married two years after I was born and had three children and is now happily living in Hawaii.

So here's my dilemma GAF, I kinda want to offer an olive branch and at least meet him and get to know him a little. As well as meet my Half-siblings (irony of ironies I grew up with 2 half sisters and a half brother with my mom, and now I have 2 half sisters and a half brother with my dad). But I'm worried at what it might do to his family. I'm probably some long forgotten skeleton in his closet that he probably doesn't want his family to know about. His current wife maybe resenting him for having a child before they met that she didn't know about. Not to mention I just don't know how to go about it.

Any advice, GAF? Anyone else here who has had experience with long lost relative and biological parents?
 
S

speedpop

Has problems recognising girls
Wow. This is a big step, I think.

No one really knows what you should really do except yourself.
 
Beardz

Beardz

Member
vxi79h.jpg
 
C

cnizzle06

Banned
Choppasmith said:
All possible jokes from the title aside, let me bring you up to speed GAFers.

Okay so, once upon a time, about 26 years ago, my biological mother and father met, enjoyed a fling and had me. My mom wasn't liking the way their relationship was going. Saying that, despite being a nice guy, didn't seem cut out for parenthood / married life and left him and didn't want him in my life. From what I could discern growing up, he simply made dodgy child support payments, but offered no contact or letters from him in any way.

I found a lot of this back story out when I was around 17 or 18. My mother broke down saying she regretted not having him in my life. She suggested contacting certain people to get a hold of him, but at the time, the whole idea seemed a lot to take in and I declined mostly because I just couldn't shake the thought of how awkward it would feel to meet him.

Fast forward to earlier this week. Watching an old episode of In Plain Sight where the homeless witness wants to track down his real birth mother kinda prompted me to the idea of running his name (who I had thanks to a copy of my birth certificate) through Google.

And I found him on Facebook.

What really struck me was seeing a picture of him for the first time ever and seeing my resemblance to him. This definitely wasn't some guy who just happened to share the same name. His original location matched up to my birth city and everything.

I find out by perusing his Facebook that he married two years after I was born and had three children and is now happily living in Hawaii.

So here's my dilemma GAF, I kinda want to offer an olive branch and at least meet him and get to know him a little. As well as meet my Half-siblings (irony of ironies I grew up with 2 half sisters and a half brother with my mom, and now I have 2 half sisters and a half brother with my dad). But I'm worried at what it might do to his family. I'm probably some long forgotten skeleton in his closet that he probably doesn't want his family to know about. His current wife maybe resenting him for having a child before they met that she didn't know about. Not to mention I just don't know how to go about it.

Any advice, GAF? Anyone else here who has had experience with long lost relative and biological parents?
Click to expand...

Shoot him an email. If he's okay with telling his family/meeting with you in secret/or if his family already knows, go meet him. What do you have to lose?
 
T

Teddman

Member
Message him on facebook, it should go straight to him so he can respond without the rest of his family being aware.

And yeah, now that you've gone this far, you should contact him. Even if he turns you away, the sting of that will eventually be less traumatic than never getting in touch, and regretting it years later when it's no longer possible.
 
B

BertramCooper

Banned
If he seems like a solid dude, I'd go for it.

Do you have any friends or relatives that are in contact with him? If so, I'd probably suggest asking one of them to see if he's interested in meeting you. If his wife and kids aren't aware of your existence, that certainly could complicate matters.

How old are his kids? If they're young, it might be best to wait until they're older.
 
T

themadcowtipper

Smells faintly of rancid stilton.
[GAF answer]Is he a Nigerian prince, if so have him take a picture with a fish on his head.


[Real Answer] Whatever happens good luck.
 
N

NGAMER9

Member
Check if he's into Mafia Wars or Farmville before adding him or he will annoy you to the point of it not being worth it.

Message him and just tell him who you are and such.
 
P

PetriP-TNT

Member
Challenge him for a game of Zoo Keeper


then invite him to the group "My mom had sex with a guy and now me, her son, finally found the dad on Facebook"
 
A

Always-honest

Banned
wow. i wouldn't dare to make a pun. i'm a father of a 2 and a half year old son.

i hope you meet him and that it will be a nice reunion and a great starting point for some kind of relation between you and your biological father.

but for advice.. i have none. Do what you want. You have every right.
 
G

Gospel

Parmesan et Romano
Make a fake facebook account with a fake profile pic and send him a friend request.
Ask him weird questions with it.

I won't lie, I don't really know where I was going with this, but at some point you should ask him his penis size.
 
J

jiggle

Member
a hello and brief introduction to start things off
use his reply to gauge if he wants you in his life(or not)
be emotionally prepared for a letdown

if all goes well
free room in hawaii :)





best of luck!
 
D

DMeisterJ

Banned
Poke him.

Seriously. Poke him on Facebook, and when he asks why you poked him, say something like 'I always wanted to poke my daddy.'
 
G

GQman2121

Banned
I too have never had any contact with my father. I don't even know what he looks like. I do know that he's never made any child support payments to my mother and that he's basically the epitome of a dead beat dad. I have no interest in ever meeting him. If he were to ever attempt to contact me, well, I would fear for his safety. And that's pretty much all I have to say about that........


I'm only two years older than you, but I would tell this guy to piss off and just continuing to act like he's not there. Because he's really not.


EDIT: I honestly didn't read your entire post before I hit the reply button. I was born and grew up in Hawaii. I lived there until I was 8 and then moved to Baltimore. That's kind of crazy........
 
C

ChaChaChaChia

Member
my brother-in-law had this happen to him about a year or 2 ago, only with his birth mother. he was adopted as a baby and one day randomly decided to find his birth mom online. he ended up contacting her father first, to see if he could talk to her and get a feel if she wanted to meet him. they ended up meeting, but she did have to let his 3 half-brothers know that he existed, though her husband did know about it already. maybe there is an intermediate way to contact him?
 
Gouty

Gouty

Bloodborne is shit
Park outside his house with the lights to your vehicle on for as long as it takes for someone inside the house to approach you. Make sure you’re playing an audio book of Eat, Pray, Love just loud enough so they can make it out, but not loud enough to draw attention directly to it. Once they ask you what it is you’re doing throw a bowling ball out of the window into their yard with the words “VELVET PEASANT STRIKE” crudely etched into its surface. Then slowly and calmly drive away. Repeat that process until you’re finally arrested. With your one phone call ask him if he’d like to grab a beer and catch up.
 
C

clemenx

Banned
I say it just depends on how much you care about biology... My dad was/is a lost cause and a straight up bad person so I couldn't care less about him. My sister on the other hand loves him to no end, saying that she has to love someone with her same blood. I don't understand it but what the heck, I respect it as long as she respect my decision of not caring about my father.
 
H

Hieberrr

Member
Even though I guess this will feed your curiosity and whatnot. The guy was in no way, shape, or form part of your life. Let it be and don't bother him or don't burden him.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Choppasmith said:
So here's my dilemma GAF, I kinda want to offer an olive branch and at least meet him and get to know him a little. As well as meet my Half-siblings (irony of ironies I grew up with 2 half sisters and a half brother with my mom, and now I have 2 half sisters and a half brother with my dad). But I'm worried at what it might do to his family. I'm probably some long forgotten skeleton in his closet that he probably doesn't want his family to know about. His current wife maybe resenting him for having a child before they met that she didn't know about. Not to mention I just don't know how to go about it.

Any advice, GAF? Anyone else here who has had experience with long lost relative and biological parents?
Click to expand...
Tell him what you just told us.

And if he doesn't want his family to know about you... well, that's his look-out, not yours. No need to complicate your thinking just because of that possibility.
 
C

Choppasmith

Member
Equus Bellator Apex said:
You don't have to talk to him.
Click to expand...

mysticwhip said:
Do you really care that much? I'd just leave it alone.
Click to expand...

I know, but never growing up without a proper father figure, it just gnaws at me. And like a couple people have said, if I don't do it now while I still can, I might end up regretting it.

BertramCooper said:
If he seems like a solid dude, I'd go for it.

Do you have any friends or relatives that are in contact with him? If so, I'd probably suggest asking one of them to see if he's interested in meeting you. If his wife and kids aren't aware of your existence, that certainly could complicate matters.

How old are his kids? If they're young, it might be best to wait until they're older.
Click to expand...

Sadly no, there's no one connected to him that I know. AFAIK anyway. As for his kids, as far as I can tell the two oldest seem to be young adults while the third seems to be an adolescent.

jiggle said:
if all goes well
free room in hawaii :)
!
Click to expand...

I have to say this did cross my mind. :lol Having a mother live in New Zealand and a Father living in Hawaii = awesome vacations! :lol
 
M

Misterinenja

Member
Hieberrr said:
Even though I guess this will feed your curiosity and whatnot. The guy was in no way, shape, or form part of your life. Let it be and don't bother him or don't burden him.
Click to expand...

Of course he can remind him of his existence. He's his father after all. It's not like he's begging money from him or something.
 
T

totowhoa

Banned
I know he didn't try hard with letters and whatnot, but I have a feeling he'd be happy to hear from you. I've known a couple people in similar (but both slightly different) situations. I could be wrong, but message him and say hello. I doubt he's forgotten you; surely you're no "skeleton" to him, even if your birthday isn't on the calendar. Could be wrong, but I bet he'd be both scared/surprised and enamored to hear from you, especially since your OP seems to imply that your mother may have had at least some part to do with the fact that you don't have contact with him now.

I'd definitely say go for it. For sure... you've got nothing to lose, and surely his wife can fathom him having vaginal sex and producing a child prior to his current children. Regardless of whether or not she knows, it happened, and I highly doubt that contacting him will hurt the marriage if they have a good marriage. His kid is trying to get back in touch with him--not a girlfriend from the past.

Edit: I've seen the reverse happen. A father's family hated by his children because he left, and so they would never except that he moved on from their mother to a certain extent. I'd say give it a go, for sure. A message at first, see what happens. Also, read Jimmy Corrigan: Smartest Boy on Earth :D
 
Meus Renaissance

Meus Renaissance

Member
Choppasmith said:
All possible jokes from the title aside, let me bring you up to speed GAFers.

Okay so, once upon a time, about 26 years ago, my biological mother and father met, enjoyed a fling and had me. My mom wasn't liking the way their relationship was going. Saying that, despite being a nice guy, didn't seem cut out for parenthood / married life and left him and didn't want him in my life. From what I could discern growing up, he simply made dodgy child support payments, but offered no contact or letters from him in any way.

I found a lot of this back story out when I was around 17 or 18. My mother broke down saying she regretted not having him in my life. She suggested contacting certain people to get a hold of him, but at the time, the whole idea seemed a lot to take in and I declined mostly because I just couldn't shake the thought of how awkward it would feel to meet him.

Fast forward to earlier this week. Watching an old episode of In Plain Sight where the homeless witness wants to track down his real birth mother kinda prompted me to the idea of running his name (who I had thanks to a copy of my birth certificate) through Google.

And I found him on Facebook.

What really struck me was seeing a picture of him for the first time ever and seeing my resemblance to him. This definitely wasn't some guy who just happened to share the same name. His original location matched up to my birth city and everything.

I find out by perusing his Facebook that he married two years after I was born and had three children and is now happily living in Hawaii.

So here's my dilemma GAF, I kinda want to offer an olive branch and at least meet him and get to know him a little. As well as meet my Half-siblings (irony of ironies I grew up with 2 half sisters and a half brother with my mom, and now I have 2 half sisters and a half brother with my dad). But I'm worried at what it might do to his family. I'm probably some long forgotten skeleton in his closet that he probably doesn't want his family to know about. His current wife maybe resenting him for having a child before they met that she didn't know about. Not to mention I just don't know how to go about it.

Any advice, GAF? Anyone else here who has had experience with long lost relative and biological parents?
Click to expand...

Or maybe he, along with his family, would embrace you and love to meet you. He is your father and you've never met him. Some people don't even have fathers nor got the chance of meeting them. You would be a fool for contemplating ignoring this opportunity.

Send him a message, asking him if knew XX (your mothers name) from 26 years ago or so, and if he had a son with her.
 
smokeymicpot

smokeymicpot

Beat EviLore at pool.
I had the same shit happen to me. I found my father on facebook after not seeing him for 15 or so years. He left when I was younger. Well a few months ago I was at a bar and I ran into him. That was a crazy fucking night. Seemed to work out so far. But you never know.

If you feel like you should do it. Do it.
 
W

Wads

Banned
I can't help but think about that mom who found her son and sex with him. I have no advice, but don't do that. ;)
 
R

RBH

Member
Teddman said:
Message him on facebook, it should go straight to him so he can respond without the rest of his family being aware.

And yeah, now that you've gone this far, you should contact him. Even if he turns you away, the sting of that will eventually be less traumatic than never getting in touch, and regretting it years later when it's no longer possible.
Click to expand...
I agree with this advice.
 
E

esquire

Has waited diligently to think of something to say before making this post
mysticwhip said:
Do you really care that much? I'd just leave it alone.
Click to expand...

Good God. In a thread full of stupid fucking replies from stupid fucking posters who think they are funny this one ends up being the dumbest.

OP stop making baseless assumptions about your father/his family and just talk to the man. You don't even realize how lucky you are to have such an opportunity. Don't squander it by being indecisive about it.
 
C

Calcaneus

Member
My gut instinct is that you should at least try to connect with your father, but I don't really know how it must feel to be in your position.

If you want to I say go for it, if you're worried about ruining anything just message him. I would say you have more to gain than to lose.
 
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