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[Bubbavelli]

Hey gaf, I've been lurking for some time and my membership just recently went through. Im happy to finally be a member. Okay back to the topic at hand:

I've always had a history of depression and anxiety which eventually led to me being admitted last summer. I did the therapy thing a couple times but ultimately quit because I felt it was pointless and the therapist didn't really give a shit. I say this because not only were the meetings simplistic but I would only get to see him once every month or two which I felt was bullshit. Anyway, I guess I've been feeling a bit better since then except with specific times where full blown panic attacks have occured.

Just recently I moved away to college which isn't entirely too far from my hometown (San Diego to Los Angeles). Anyway, being here has triggered my depression a lot because I feel super out of place. The culture of the university is the bro/party/frat shit whereas I just like kicking back and playing vidya. With that being said, I find it hard to fit in and actually talk to people because I feel our experiences would be completely different. Im a mexican kid from a working-to-middle class neighborhood where I feel the majority of people here are the complete opposite of that. Although, I have found a couple people which I could consider friends so far. Im used to being isolated because i've done that my whole life except it's worse here because my support network of my friends and girlfriend are back in San Diego

I dont know why Im posting this, I guess to get it off my chest.

 

[asthmagasm]

I have kind of an question. Quite a bit ago my psychiatrist told me to listen to music. That it could help give me words, get through a moment, or just be cathartic. This was a silent "duh" from me as I've been involved with music since I was in middle school as that's when my friend and I started "a band."

Now here's the question, is he right? I mean to some extent he is, but I fixate. I linger on the saddest songs, the most sorrowful refrains, and it's how I've always listened to music. It doesn't have to be just sad, it can be aggression, apathy, anything, but the way I approach it is always the same. I have two deaths I know are soon, the most pressing one was told going for 30 days would be impressive. This is the song I can't stop, it was written about his grandmother dying and it's sticking to everything.

Brian Fallon doing 1930 acoustic

Is the catharsis, sadness, everything this brings actually helpful? It makes me feel like I'm stuck in a moment, but if I knew the best answers I wouldn't be where I was at. Anyone have experience/knowledge to assist?

 

[Sub_Level]

.

Thanks for sharing. Feeling out of place in college is pretty normal. There are a ton of people just like you who feel that same alienation. Don't feel compelled to be part of the dudebro frat crowd or be someone else but at the same time you must understand that things do not happen through osmosis. It can happen, but it's rare that things fall into our lap. Eventually you will have to take action to meet people or try new things if you want to have a more enriched life (and that's optional, some people are perfectly content to be alone and play vidya and there's nothing wrong with that)

Therapy once a month is pretty laughable, that's not gonna do anything. I would think at least once a week is reasonable. That being said, therapy just doesn't work with some people (or they never jived with the right therapist) so if you don't wanna go down that road again nobody will blame you (plus it costs money). Consider looking into any counseling/therapy services available on your college campus if you think you need it.

.

I would think music makes a person think. And thinking can be harmful when you're "in yourself" for too long. Maybe accompany the music with action, whether it be chores, working out, or just whatever it doesn't even have to be something "productive". On the flip side: everyone grieves differently so this may be your method of doing it in anticipation of losing those two people. Sadness from a tangible event like a death of a close one is not necessarily pathological. It's pretty natural and healthy to just let sadness have its way with you in that scenario. Far preferable to keeping it suppressed.

 

[Fudgepuppy]

I've had an on-again off-again crush on this girl at my job for about 1,5 years, when today I found out she's seeing a guy.

At the moment I hate myself for putting her so high, but at the same time, she's made me so happy, she's made me want to improve myself; she's made me a better person. She was the one who motivated me to get off my couch and get somewhere in my life when she was abroad for 6 months. When she did return, I was a completely different person, but I still wasn't what she wanted.

When I found out, I almost blacked out, then I get apathic, then I becamse pissed off, now I just feel empty.

It will go over, I will slowly move away from her, at this moment I don't want her in my life, I will find someone better. I wanted to hang myself, but that would be giving up because someone who "doesn't deserve me" didn't answer to my feelings. Can't blame her for that.

You can't.

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

I've had an on-again off-again crush on this girl at my job for about 1,5 years, when today I found out she's seeing a guy.

At the moment I hate myself for putting her so high, but at the same time, she's made me so happy, she's made me want to improve myself; she's made me a better person. She was the one who motivated me to get off my couch and get somewhere in my life when she was abroad for 6 months. When she did return, I was a completely different person, but I still wasn't what she wanted.

When I found out, I almost blacked out, then I get apathic, then I becamse pissed off, now I just feel empty.

It will go over, I will slowly move away from her, at this moment I don't want her in my life, I will find someone better. I wanted to hang myself, but that would be giving up because someone who "doesn't deserve me" didn't answer to my feelings. Can't blame her for that.

You can't.

Bevel in this. Holy shit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbbZ_k1Z8gU



I know what you are going through, it feels like I spent the better part of my teens and early 20s improving for everyone but myself, often to no avail. But I don't think it's lost.

If you can, keep your head high, do right by her as she is a good person. If you are meant to be a significant person in her life, it will only come from you being a bad ass within yourself. So keep being what you are. People go through relationships their entire life. You don't know how she will change. Maybe she will be with this guy for a month, maybe a year, maybe 10 years, maybe more. It doesn't really matter. But our taste changes. You're here and you are ready to meet someone else who is awesome who is available, and they are everywhere. You just haven't found that person.

What are you going to do to get out of that comfort zone to meet these cool new people? And keep self-improving. This is that you are today is not your best. You can do even better. You can get much higher, and how high you can get is only relative to you. Not to the girl. Your worth will never be judged by her or anyone else. "Be better than you were yesterday", and so you have. For the last six months you have crawled out of that f**king pit and now your out and can see the sun, but the light doesn't shine on you right now. Your still in the shade. But your out of the pit. You're not going to jump down into that forsaken hole.
Take a few steps, get your grounding, breathe, and find the sunshine.




I am writing this post as much to you as to remind myself of what I need to do. I am going through something similar, and it hurts like shit. physical pain. But it really is true. Your better now thanks to the longing of being with this person. It truly. honestly. deeply. sincerely. Is not wasted because the end goal was not meant. It was never in our control to influence who other people fall in love with, no matter how good we are. That's not how love works.
Bevel in the sadness. Don't hate it. Don't hide it. Don't deny it. Just accept it. It's a mandatory requirement. It needs to be like this. You can still be cool as hell to the chick. Be happy for her. her happiness will never take from you. It just doesn't feel that way because you haven't met other people who make you feel like that. But they are out there.

 

[Fudgepuppy]

Bevel in this. Holy shit. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbbZ_k1Z8gU



I know what you are going through, it feels like I spent the better part of my teens and early 20s improving for everyone but myself, often to no avail. But I don't think it's lost.

If you can, keep your head high, do right by her as she is a good person. If you are meant to be a significant person in her life, it will only come from you being a bad ass within yourself. So keep being what you are. People go through relationships their entire life. You don't know how she will change. Maybe she will be with this guy for a month, maybe a year, maybe 10 years, maybe more. It doesn't really matter. But our taste changes. You're here and you are ready to meet someone else who is awesome who is available, and they are everywhere. You just haven't found that person.

What are you going to do to get out of that comfort zone to meet these cool new people? And keep self-improving. This is that you are today is not your best. You can do even better. You can get much higher, and how high you can get is only relative to you. Not to the girl. Your worth will never be judged by her or anyone else. "Be better than you were yesterday", and so you have. For the last six months you have crawled out of that f**king pit and now your out and can see the sun, but the light doesn't shine on you right now. Your still in the shade. But your out of the pit. You're not going to jump down into that forsaken hole.
Take a few steps, get your grounding, breathe, and find the sunshine.




I am writing this post as much to you as to remind myself of what I need to do. I am going through something similar, and it hurts like shit. physical pain. But it really is true. Your better now thanks to the longing of being with this person. It truly. honestly. deeply. sincerely. Is not wasted because the end goal was not meant. It was never in our control to influence who other people fall in love with, no matter how good we are. That's not how love works.
Bevel in the sadness. Don't hate it. Don't hide it. Don't deny it. Just accept it. It's a mandatory requirement. It needs to be like this. You can still be cool as hell to the chick. Be happy for her. her happiness will never take from you. It just doesn't feel that way because you haven't met other people who make you feel like that. But they are out there.

Thanks man.

In hindsight, it feels somewhat cathartic, being able to finally let go.

You know people didn't stop playing Halo because it started sucking; they stopped playing Halo because CoD happened. In the same vein, I needed to get all of that lovelorn lust out and get it replaced with all the shitty feelings that come afterwards to finally be able to move on.

Things will only get better, maybe taking a step back will make her want to hang out with me again. During this ordeal, I've actually missed the most having her as a friend next to me at the job. We changed places and I got promoted so now we only chat together. She doesn't have much time for that anymore, neither do I.

That's what I'm going to miss the most, laughing together, hear her soothing happy voice, see her smile.

No one has been able to raise me as much as her. Coming to work on a shitty day meant nothing if she was there. Not because I'm putting her on a pedestal, but because she's truly a fantastic person that deserves to be love. I don't want to take that away from her, she deserves more than that.

 

[Watcher]

Anyone else go through periods where they are completely content in their depression? I feel happy i guess. I dont even know

 

[Jimothy]

Anyone else go through periods where they are completely content in their depression? I feel happy i guess. I dont even know

I feel similarly. The main source of my depression used to be social anxiety but even now when I've mostly gotten over it and have some self confidence I'm in a state of mind where I'm not really happy but not really sad. I'm completely flat and neutral about everything. I have no real hobbies or things I'm interested in and I'm not really any more social than I used to be, but I'm also not waking up every day wishing I were dead, or thinking about leaping in front of every subway train I see. It's almost like my depression has morphed into something else and it's sort of baffling. I mainly associated my "old" depression with social anxiety, complete self loathing, and daily suicidal thoughts. I'm really not sure how to feel deal with my "new" depression where I'm not completey hating myself but at the same time feeling "meh" about everything and having no real motivation to change things.

 

[Watcher]

I feel similarly. The main source of my depression used to be social anxiety but even now when I've mostly gotten over it and have some self confidence I'm in a state of mind where I'm not really happy but not really sad. I'm completely flat and neutral about everything. I have no real hobbies or things I'm interested in and I'm not really any more social than I used to be, but I'm also not waking up every day wishing I were dead, or thinking about leaping in front of every subway train I see. It's almost like my depression has morphed into something else and it's sort of baffling. I mainly associated my "old" depression with social anxiety, complete self loathing, and daily suicidal thoughts. I'm really not sure how to feel deal with my "new" depression where I'm not completey hating myself but at the same time feeling "meh" about everything and having no real motivation to change things.

I know that (non) feel man. I feel nothing and i have no motivation to change. I used to dread waking up going to work having suicidal thoughts just like you. Now I just don't give a fuck

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

Thanks man.

In hindsight, it feels somewhat cathartic, being able to finally let go.

You know people didn't stop playing Halo because it started sucking; they stopped playing Halo because CoD happened. In the same vein, I needed to get all of that lovelorn lust out and get it replaced with all the shitty feelings that come afterwards to finally be able to move on.

Things will only get better, maybe taking a step back will make her want to hang out with me again. During this ordeal, I've actually missed the most having her as a friend next to me at the job. We changed places and I got promoted so now we only chat together. She doesn't have much time for that anymore, neither do I.

That's what I'm going to miss the most, laughing together, hear her soothing happy voice, see her smile.

No one has been able to raise me as much as her. Coming to work on a shitty day meant nothing if she was there. Not because I'm putting her on a pedestal, but because she's truly a fantastic person that deserves to be love. I don't want to take that away from her, she deserves more than that.

This man is crazy according to some people, but I always took this quote for what I felt it means. It makes me feel good.


From your descrption of this person, im falling in love with her too:3 I can totally imagine what that is like.

But I think that when our mood changes so much because of one other person it means we are not happy enough with ourselves. We need to feel like that with ourselves. Self-love. I have no idea where to begin. As I have just begun to start reading about codependency, I feel things are starting to become more clear for me.

 

[Cth]

So, my daughter just tried to steal a toy from her new best friend and I caught her.

She immediately says she did it because we're too poor and starts crying.

Fucking hurts.

Working two part time jobs, barely spending time with my wife on weekends just to barely scrape by.

so tired of this.. things need to change for the better soon.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

So, my daughter just tried to steal a toy from her new best friend and I caught her.

She immediately says she did it because we're too poor and starts crying.

Fucking hurts.

Working two part time jobs, barely spending time with my wife on weekends just to barely scrape by.

so tired of this.. things need to change for the better soon.

Wow, this pisses me off. Not you, of course but the way things are. You should not have to be working your ass off, barely at home to be with your wife and daughter and not being able to afford some luxuries. Things are so screwed up with society nowadays. You live in the States, btw?

 

[MissDeviling]

GAF, how do I stop myself from constantly worrying about things? I feel like I'm always drowning in my own thoughts. I used to love to read and draw, but these hobbies require attention, and when I try to get into them, my mind will start to drift off and start thinking about my plummeting grades, how my future is hopeless, how I should be doing something more productive than enjoying myself, and how I need to meet my deadlines for applications, bills, etc.. I've talked to a counsellor at school before and it helped to get it off my chest, but I don't go anymore because at this point I feel like I need to stop talking about my problems and start doing something. I'm afraid that my worries -- and thus lack of productivity -- will hurt my grades again, so I want to know what I should do to be able to concentrate better and stop worrying.

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

GAF, how do I stop myself from constantly worrying about things? I feel like I'm always drowning in my own thoughts. I used to love to read and draw, but these hobbies require attention, and when I try to get into them, my mind will start to drift off and start thinking about my plummeting grades, how my future is hopeless, how I should be doing something more productive than enjoying myself, and how I need to meet my deadlines for applications, bills, etc.. I've talked to a counsellor at school before and it helped to get it off my chest, but I don't go anymore because at this point I feel like I need to stop talking about my problems and start doing something. I'm afraid that my worries -- and thus lack of productivity -- will hurt my grades again, so I want to know what I should do to be able to concentrate better and stop worrying.

First; Acknowledge what is the worst that can happen? Your grades are so low you cant pass your class and have to re-do your classes? That's not the end of the world. That's just you using more time.

Secondly, acknowledge that saying your future is hopeless is not anymore true than saying that the moon is made out of cheese. The future is just the future, and you can't predict that. If you could predict the future, life would be boring and nothing exciting or challenging would happen because you would be able to prepare for everything. It's social conditioning that you let your own concept of time enslave your thoughts.


Do what the hell you want to do, and stand by your convictions. But just think about them honestly. Why can't you both focus on your grades and do school work? Isn't it just a mental idea in your head that you can't do both?

Some people are strict to themselves. "I'll study for 3 hours, then I have earned my right to draw all I want for the rest of the day". Those people pick their battles and get enjoyment out of following their own rules. If you can keep promises to yourself, it can be an effective booster.




You know, Malcolm Gladwell made about the 10,000 hour requirement. Upon interviewing countless succesful people on how they became succesful, the one main indicator between all the people he interviewed despite nationality, religion, gender, skillset, background, belief system, temperament, personality, talent, convinction, help, - the one thing they all had in common, was that they had spend around 10,000 (at least) or more hours on mastering a skill.

That sounds very square and rudimentary, but belief the generalization for a moment. Everything is a skill. And just like grinding in swordfighting or blacksmithing in a role playing game, so to must you level up your skills in french, algebra and drawing fruits and naked bodies in art class.

You don't need to ask us for permission. Take a pen, some paper, and start writing it all down. everything. if you dont know what you want, what you dream off, try this exercise - I read about it in a stephen covey book called the 7 habits of highly succesful people -


close your eyes, imagine your at your own funeral after you have died. everyone who cares about you are present - family, friends, and people from the organization/hobby/interest you spent much of your life with. one family member, one friend and one person from your work/hobby will have to say words about you - your legacy.
what do you hope they will say about you? about your character, who you was as a person!?


This exercise has really helped me thinking about how I want to be perceived by others who are important to me, and in that I also found out what I wanted to be good at, and that made me realize what I wanted strive towards.

 

[MissDeviling]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I do tend to make too big a deal of little problems, so you saying that I'd only take more time to finish a course, etc. made me realize that life doesn't end if I fail. I'll try your method of making my problems into challenges and reward myself with stuff I like. I hope it works out since school's starting again in a few days. Maybe I'll post again if stuff's going well. Thanks again.

 

[MisterLuffy]

I'm still bothered by Probability and Statistics with computing course, the quiz is next week and I haven't started on the homework. I mean, I would want to start but how can I figure out the problems on my own? I've google searched on enhancing problem solving skills, I've read that its good to keep asking questions about the problem that would lead to other questions then towards understanding the problem clearly. Whenever it comes to homework or studying for quiz/exam, I mostly waste time. At least I should attempt it, but I haven't. I waste a lot of time, even now...

Does anyone have advice on how to tackle problems step by step? Such as word problems in math and programming? What can I do to enhance my problem solving skills?

 

[Smiley90]

I just found this and it's giving me goosebumps. Might not be for you, but it's just... calming. and... relieving. even if not real.

 

[Froli]

I've been doing some health exercises for a week now, and it helps setting some goals for self improvement here and there. I hope I can keep this up and be inspired again

The depression is still present but it's manageable.

 

[Femmeworth]

Just got hit with the loneliness stick. :|

 

[jsnepo]

I just found this and it's giving me goosebumps. Might not be for you, but it's just... calming. and... relieving. even if not real.

That's nice. What's the title of the song?

 

[Femmeworth]

I'm so not a good person.

 

[kiyomi]

I don't know what the general policy on posting sad music in troubled times is, but this piece really left its' mark on me.

https://pilotpriest.bandcamp.com/track/wounded-bird

 

[Yrael]

That's nice. What's the title of the song?

"I Have Never Loved Someone" by My Brightest Diamond.

 

[Collete]

i would buy something like this in all honesty. really reminds me of the aurora borealis

Why thank you!
I'm actually considering selling my work some time this year or next year actually.
Maybe it'll help me a little investing in buying a property after grad school.

I like it.

this is awesome yep great colours!

Yess, Collete painting day. Love the colors on this one! Keep em coming!

Love it. Very cool

Thanks everyone for the kind words, they're all appreciated.
I probably reiterated this a million times, but everyday's just been getting harder and harder. Getting abused by family mentally and nearly physically has been putting a toll on my mind. Top that off I bombed my GRE and my love life is dying to the point of no return so...I've been quite depressed lately...
Anyways I'll shut up, did a new painting recently so here ya guys go:

Strea

This is actually a painting of a goddess from my novel. She was a ruthless, but benevolent goddess to her people. She brought out torrential rains to an empire that was tainted with corruption. In doing so, she wiped out the royal bloodline making her the only being capable of ruling.

However, as time went on and the Apocalypse slaughtered all of her people, the only thing she has to look forward to is her own death.

Anyways, aside from that little information, there’s some nitpicks to this paintings that were annoying, but doing this in a few hours, I’m kinda proud of myself.

 

[daripad]

Why do I still live when I barely enjoy anything in this world and I will never be experiencing happiness? I wish there was an easy way to just disappear, I don't want to suffer anymore, I'm too weak.

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I do tend to make too big a deal of little problems, so you saying that I'd only take more time to finish a course, etc. made me realize that life doesn't end if I fail. I'll try your method of making my problems into challenges and reward myself with stuff I like. I hope it works out since school's starting again in a few days. Maybe I'll post again if stuff's going well. Thanks again.

Miss, I have posted this before but I really like it; semi-famous comedians about procrastination, depression, and trying to figure out how to be more true to themselves; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdNSkzT6UHE

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

Why do I still live when I barely enjoy anything in this world and I will never be experiencing happiness? I wish there was an easy way to just disappear, I don't want to suffer anymore, I'm too weak.

You're not too weak at all. Your antenna is just tuned too the wrong frequency. Like a Radio signal that gets other incoming transmissions, you take things too personal.
A lot of us in here have that problem, and there is no easy fix, but it can get better.


Also, if you don't know what you enjoy you better look for it. That's the only way mate. That comes from dragging yourself out the house. Yup. You need to go down and try kayaking/climbing/dancing/yoga/crossfit/cooking, you have to start over completely.


But you know what? That's kind of cool. I have been there. I was alone and hurt, and somebody came and allowed me to stay in their basement. They invited me up for dinner almost every night.
And I said the exact same thing, you are telling us right now. "how do I get happy, when I don't enjoy anything?"

"you find something you enjoy"

"how? I don't even know were to begin"

"Just start somewhere. It's a white canvas and you are setting the first drop of ink somewhere in the vastness".

That's exciting. you have right now the potential to make a whole new you. write down what you like about your life, write down all the things you have said you were gonna do but have never done, - think back. back to being a little kid. What did you wanted to be when you grew up?

Write down the things you don't like about your life. What are they? Why are they that way? Can you change them? How many of them can be changed? How many can be lessened? Will your life be happy if these problems are gone or is there something else. something deeper?



You're not too weak at all. You got a Yoshi avatar. I already like you!!

 

[Deleted member 17706]

Hi, everyone!

I've never posted in this thread before, and really don't have any personal mental health issues that I'm aware of, but it's a topic that kind of fascinates me.

I recently just listened to a podcast with a Dr. William Walsh in which he talked about how a person's level of DNA methylation determines a lot about them before they are even born, and this also determines what nutrients and metals a person will be deficient in (or in danger of getting too much). He talks about how these nutrient deficiencies or abundances are the primary cause of many physical and mental illnesses, and his institute works to train doctors to better treat patients with this knowledge.

I had never heard of this stuff before, and it seems like it's a relatively new field, at least in terms of clinical practice. Anyway, I just wanted to share it with everyone in here as it may provide a new option for possible treatment of mental health issues.

Here's the podcast: http://body.io/body-io-fm-31-dr-walsh/

And here's the link to his research institute: http://www.walshinstitute.org/

 

[Bubbavelli]

I just found this and it's giving me goosebumps. Might not be for you, but it's just... calming. and... relieving. even if not real.

Thank you so much for posting this. I havent been feeling great lately and I just started bawling when the song came on

 

[daripad]

You're not too weak at all. Your antenna is just tuned too the wrong frequency. Like a Radio signal that gets other incoming transmissions, you take things too personal.
A lot of us in here have that problem, and there is no easy fix, but it can get better.


Also, if you don't know what you enjoy you better look for it. That's the only way mate. That comes from dragging yourself out the house. Yup. You need to go down and try kayaking/climbing/dancing/yoga/crossfit/cooking, you have to start over completely.


But you know what? That's kind of cool. I have been there. I was alone and hurt, and somebody came and allowed me to stay in their basement. They invited me up for dinner almost every night.
And I said the exact same thing, you are telling us right now. "how do I get happy, when I don't enjoy anything?"

"you find something you enjoy"

"how? I don't even know were to begin"

"Just start somewhere. It's a white canvas and you are setting the first drop of ink somewhere in the vastness".

That's exciting. you have right now the potential to make a whole new you. write down what you like about your life, write down all the things you have said you were gonna do but have never done, - think back. back to being a little kid. What did you wanted to be when you grew up?

Write down the things you don't like about your life. What are they? Why are they that way? Can you change them? How many of them can be changed? How many can be lessened? Will your life be happy if these problems are gone or is there something else. something deeper?



You're not too weak at all. You got a Yoshi avatar. I already like you!!

I don't enjoy things but because I'm always to worried about my problems and insecurities, it hurts to have them in my head all the time, I can't even get to focus and do my chores because I start to question my existence.

 

[Colin.]

Been feeling particularly disillusioned to the point of my life as a whole recently. Never does seem like there is any. You go through life thinking if you treat people well, as you would like to be yourself, you would be more likely to get it back. Nope, doesn't work that way. Either people like you, or they don't. And that will determine how well you're treated, depending how strong either feeling is. Shame you can't choose what personality you're stuck with.

I've never went through life in a malice way, and try to be as well intentioned as I can. All I have to show for that is a big timeline of being trampled over, treated like shit, and no friends to boot. Probably why I'm writing here, as no one cares to listen to anything I ever have to say. Pointless even trying to talk to anyone. The hilarious part that this even holds true with therapy, lack of interest, half-listening. So even those that are employed to supposedly improve lives hold no stock on whether I live or die. I'd probably be better served throwing myself off a bridge, than I will be getting pills tossed at me by the psychiatrist tomorrow.

 

[darthbob]

It's weeks like this that I wish I had the courage/means to finally go through with killing myself.

No close friends, no job, living at home after I used to live with decent friends and had a semi-stable job. I fucked up in life.

 

[Takashi]

I've never posted in this thread before, just lurked once in a while. I might start posting frequently though now that I'm in a really dark place after my gf leaving me. A lot of my personal growth I can attribute to her but now I'm back in a deep void of self loathing. I hope one day I could learn to love myself because it seems so far the only way I feel like I have a purpose is living for others- significant others to be more precise. It doesn't help that I might be something like an avoidant- I've never been diagnosed but I share a lot of the characteristics.

Enough about me, for all you folks struggling out there, posters or lurkers, just remember that you're not alone and to not be afraid of reaching out to others. I know it's cliche but it's true, even though I'm the worst person to give advice considering I never take it. And although I don't really know any of you, I really do wish you guys the best in all your personal struggles.


edit: Very cool drawings btw

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

I don't enjoy things but because I'm always to worried about my problems and insecurities, it hurts to have them in my head all the time, I can't even get to focus and do my chores because I start to question my existence.

Dari, are you familiar with Alan Watts?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDCGL9tRDEc



He focused a lot of his life on studying and talking about eastern philosophy - particularly those related to Taoism and Buddhism.
One of the corner stones he used to talk about (for me) was about how being worried about problems is pointless, as there is nothing you can do change it.

What you are doing is that you are standing in London trying to find your way in the city, but you only have a map of Paris. And so, no matter how hard, vigilantly or dedicatedly you try to read the map, you will never get it right, because you are looking at the wrong map.

Realize that there is nothing you can do about the things you cannot change. How silly are your thoughts? Are you worried about the rain? Are you worried about the hundred people who died while I wrote this post? Are you worried about the two species of animal that goes extinct every two second? Are you worried that at least four times the worlds ecology has probably been reset due to meteor impacts or extreme climate changes making the world inhabitable for hundreds of thousands of years? Are you worried that one day the entire solar system will be enveloped in a black hole and nothing will remain? Not only will our sun die, but everything around us will literally be sucked into nothingness. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_q951H3gW4 ). What exactly can you do about any of these things? Or any of the endless amounts of scenarios that could happen tomorrow?

"It's a dangerous business Frodo, to step outside your door"... < All people can feel like this. But to let yourself be limited by it is to fear fear itself. The response of getting angry and pointing fingers every time something bad happens is just you playing the game of life.

You wouldn't want to play life if you couldn't get hurt. It wouldn't work. The human condition demands the sour to appreciate the sweet. That is why the whole idea of a paradise or perfect happy life is the biggest croc of horseshit. If that happened to a human, they would literally turn into Satan. That's what I think.



Not knowing. the unpredictable nature of not knowing is what makes life interesting. It is too bad if you view this as chains when it actually is one of the best indicators of a meaningful life. People die horrible deaths every day. People experience pains and loss worse than death every day. And many people believe in some system. God, Karma, faith, destiny, roll of the dice, luck and fortune, unlucky and damned, blessed and cursed. You can believe what you will, but nobody has ever been able to predict it.

You being frustrated for not being able to control what happens, is like wearing a chess board as a hat. you can try to do it, sometimes you might even feel like your getting off out of it, but at the end of the day, the only one getting checkmated is you. And then you ironically become your own worst enemy.


My own philosophy is that it can all end tomorrow. life is short. life is pain. there is no guarantees, no revisions or second chances. There is just what you make of it today. Trying to live in the present is difficult for all of us. that is why millions of people meditate, do breathing exercises. We are all trying to get in touch with the moment. to not being awake sleepless at night thinking about the people who hurt us, our mortgages or sick relatives. We're here right now, and that is what matters right now. So let go mate. Take it for someone who lived the better part of his teens and 20s on trying to predict how people would perceive me and how I could control my life around me if I just planned enough. It wont work like that. It literally cannot happen. So let go. Let give, and just embrace that you are naked and vulnerable. It's the biggest egotistical lie to think that we were ever in control. your not gonna be more in control if you became a closed off millionaire in a bunker than a chainsaw wielding clown on a one legged tripod carried by a grizzly-bear-white-shark-combo with rabies.

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

Been feeling particularly disillusioned to the point of my life as a whole recently. Never does seem like there is any. You go through life thinking if you treat people well, as you would like to be yourself, you would be more likely to get it back. Nope, doesn't work that way. Either people like you, or they don't. And that will determine how well you're treated, depending how strong either feeling is. Shame you can't choose what personality you're stuck with.

I've never went through life in a malice way, and try to be as well intentioned as I can. All I have to show for that is a big timeline of being trampled over, treated like shit, and no friends to boot. Probably why I'm writing here, as no one cares to listen to anything I ever have to say. Pointless even trying to talk to anyone. The hilarious part that this even holds true with therapy, lack of interest, half-listening. So even those that are employed to supposedly improve lives hold no stock on whether I live or die. I'd probably be better served throwing myself off a bridge, than I will be getting pills tossed at me by the psychiatrist tomorrow.

Nobody holds any stock over who lives or dies. No therapist ever had that power.


I don't know you, don't know your story, don't know how people treated you, but you are painting everyone against you. I never saw a person who tried to be good, who had everyone against him/her. You say that everyone treats you like shit and nobody gives a crap if you live or die. Is that really true?
I think a lot of us here have a timeline of being trampled over too. Are you certain that yours is as big as you think? And are you going to let that define you? When people treat us poorly for no reason but to show malice and hatred towards it will always be a personal suicide on their part. It will always say more about them, than it will about you, even if they call you out on something you might be vulnerable about.



Are you good at self-reflecting? Are you good at assessing your own worth? Have you ever contemplated why some people seem to have everyone be nice to them, and have you wondered why nobody is not nice to you?


I too once had a my finger pointing at everyone. Fuck all those shallow cunts in school. they didnt care about anything but drinking and smoking. it was all their fault for being stupid. It was my dads fault for being a stupid drunken alcoholic. Dont get me started on my uncle who killed himself, or the government. that stupid anixity bomb. And the stupid banks who wouldn't lend me any money. nobody cares. everyone is shitheads. everyone is evil and out to get me. < These are the sort of thoughts I had inside my own head, until someone asked me if I had ever considered the idea that I was the problem, and not them?


I snuffed at the idea at first. How stupid. How on earth could I be the problem? I am always nice to people. I never get in fights with anyone. I always keep the door open for others, always says sorry, always go last. Im the nice guy who Flagellant'ed himself (religious group who whipped themselves to experience the pain Jesus felt when he was whipped) for the sake of his goodness. I was the guy who said sorry when there was nothing about.

But eventually it occurred to me... "Don't open the door for others if you are expecting a thank you". My goodness came from a place of wanting to be liked. I wanted people to have a certain portrayal of me. And like Emerson said "What you are screams so loud I can't hear what you are saying" people saw through it. People would never get close to me, and I never got deep friendships as I came off as a people pleaser, a manipulative spineless runt, who not only did not respect himself but needed the affection and validation of those around him. Certainly aspects which fosters anything but respect, love and camaraderie.

So I was the architect of my own loneliness. my own life could be measured by the self pity I had for myself, and the anger I outed against the entire world for all my problems and pain was my ultimate tool of procrastination.


this is my story. you can call me a loser and say it has nothing to do with your thing. Thats cool. Im just reflecting on what I thought about my own life when I read your post. I hope you will feel better mate. I was lucky someone helped me and kicked me in the balls when I needed it. I really feel a lot better than I back then when I was 17-18 years old. I was in a very very dark place.

 

[Collete]

Welp apparently someone has been ratting me out from this thread and sent a message to my ex about it.
Got an email yesterday about it from my ex and a plethora of things I'm doing "wrong with my life" with him assuming the absolute worse about me, all while giving me "advice" which isn't exactly his business nor does he know all the details of my life if he's just skimming my social media or getting only one side of a problem.

But not gonna deal with this shit anymore, he's been blocked on my email for good.
But damn, I wish I was just left alone instead of being sent that email and assuming the absolute worse about me...

Thanks for making me recall all the negativity about me that I'm trying to move on from and learn =|

I feel betrayed whoever sent that message to him about what I said here...Let's keep what is said in this thread to be left in this thread.

It's also in the OP, so heed it:

2) Respect people&#8217;s privacy. It can be very hard to talk about your struggles here, all the more so if you don&#8217;t want other GAF communities you&#8217;re part of to know. Please keep the information shared here within this community, unless there is good reason to repost elsewhere (e.g. intervening with a suicidal member). We have an email account (discussed above) to post things anonymously in the thread, or you can assume a different handle in chat.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

This rubs me the wrong way. With the generalizing of "Gamers" being bad enough and getting under my skin, I saw this on my FB feed today. I'm not sure what pic she's talking about but here is what this "friend" said.

People quit posting links to the little girl with the bruised face and her smiling mother. It's sick. If you don't know that bullying and being bullyed is part of growing up then you are blind to the real issue.

Quit raising pussies! Self defense and survivalist classes are offered as early as a child can walk. Along with toddler swimming lessons and how to cross the street. Be a parent. Protect your child by providing them with the knowledge and resources to protect themselves.

I was thinking of making a thread about this but I don't want backfire or piling since I'm already on edge a little. What should I say to rebut this? As someone who has and still gets bullied, I don't agree with this.

 

[BiGBoSSMk23]

Hello GAF,

I've been meaning to reach out to some people in hopes for some good advice for a while, and out of everyone currently involved with me and my issues, sadly this forum seems to be the most logical place to seek some level-headed support.

A year ago I broke out with unexpected bouts of panic. Feelings of intense, disabling fear out of nowhere, inexplicably followed me everywhere I went. They kept me on edge. Afraid of what could happen and where it could happen. Nothing new for those familiar.

Months later I became hypersensitive to my bodily sensations, and after conquering my fear of panic attacks I latched onto worrying about my health. I obsessed over "unfair" ways to die suddenly. I attributed it to a byproduct of my current state of being. I took a couple years off school due to indecisiveness, lack of motivation and overall depression. So, I assumed that feeling wasted and left behind by my age group had left me thinking I had "missed the train" in life.

This I managed to counter multiple times by self-therapy, reaffirming that life follows no set path. Nobody dictates how anyone lives their lives, and my procrastinating for whatever reasons, is no reason to think that life is over. So I told myself that worrying about an early end on a day-to-day basis was ironically a waste of my time.

I got a steady job at a department store near my house, got a portfolio ready for college and got accepted to a pretty decent art program. But my fears persisted. My symptoms worsened. I've read and read and read online about countless mechanisms to the point where my own therapist became astounded by my knowledge base. He kept on prescribing medications which I foolishly agreed to take without prior reading, to weigh the pros and cons, the benefits versus the risks, and it all contributed to my health anxieties. I was convinced I needed some serious Cognitive Restructuring.

So after hearing the advice of many people, health professionals included, to stop doing tests and reading online, I decided to do one last test, a Doppler Ultrasound, which came back showing I had mild Mitral Valve Prolapse and some trace Regurgitation. What a bitch, huh? Now I'm stuck with medications I don't want to take (currently trying to taper off Clonazepam) and real health concerns that I have to manage to ignore if I hope to prevent my anxiety from literally destroying me.

I yearn to carve out a life for myself and my girlfriend. Hell, I used to be a generally cheerful person, always wanting to go on trips, always exercising... I don't think I should be guilted into submission, into admitting that I'm merely abstaining from my responsibilities. I want to thrive! That assumption of me inadvertently putting on a show is something some pretentious shrink thought up cause his head is too far up his ass to actually help me feel better.

Bottom line is: I don't know what to think any more. I'm beyond exhausted. This has gone on for more than a year now, and my family, friends and so-called professionals seem to think it's all subconscious stunt to avoid getting on with it. To prolong procrastination. I find this insulting.

I have a fighting spirit, but I need help...

 

[NoctisVsStar]

Hello GAF,

I've been meaning to reach out to some people in hopes for some good advice for a while, and out of everyone currently involved with me and my issues, sadly this forum seems to be the most logical place to seek some level-headed support.

A year ago I broke out with unexpected bouts of panic. Feelings of intense fear, out of nowhere, inexplicably followed me everywhere I went. They kept me on edge. Nothing new for those familiar.

Months later I became hypersensitive to my bodily sensations, and after conquering my fear of panic attacks I latched onto worrying about my health. I obsessed over "unfair" ways to die suddenly. I attributed it to a byproduct of my current state of being. I took a couple years off school due to indecisiveness, lack of motivation and overall depression. So, I assumed that feeling wasted and left behind by my age group had left me thinking I had "missed the train" in life.

This I managed to counter multiple times by self-therapy, reaffirming that life follows no set path. Nobody dictates how anyone lives their lives, and my procrastinating for whatever reasons, is no reason to think that life is over. So I told myself that worrying about an early end on a day-to-day basis was ironically a waste of my time.

I got a steady job at a department store near my house, got a portfolio ready for college and got accepted to a pretty decent art program. But my fears persisted. My symptoms worsened. I've read and read and read online about countless mechanisms to the point where my own therapist became astounded by my knowledge base. He kept on prescribing medications which I foolishly agreed to take without prior reading, to weigh the pros and cons, the benefits versus the risks, and it all contributed to my health anxieties. I was convinced I needed some serious Cognitive Restructuring.

So after hearing the advice of many people, health professionals included, to stop doing tests and reading online, I decided to do one last test, a Doppler Ultrasound, which came back showing I had mild Mitral Valve Prolapse and some trace Regurgitation. What a bitch, huh? Now I'm stuck with medications I don't want to take (currently trying to taper off Clonazepam) and real health concerns that I have to manage to ignore if I hope to prevent my anxiety from literally destroying me.

I yearn to carve out a life for myself and my girlfriend. Hell, I used to be a generally cheerful person, always wanting to go on trips, always exercising... I don't think I should be guilted into submission, into admitting that I'm merely abstaining from my responsibilities. I want to thrive! That assumption of me inadvertently putting on a show is something some pretentious shrink thought up cause his head is too far up his ass to actually help me feel better.

Bottom line is: I don't know what to think any more. I'm beyond exhausted. This has gone on for more than a year now, and my family, friends and so-called professionals seem to think it's all subconscious stunt to avoid getting on with it. To prolong procrastination. I find this insulting.

I have a fighting spirit, but I need help...

This is some deep stuff while reading all I thought was just try to live day to day and not worry about what's out of your control. You're heading in the right track as far as I'm concerned you got a job at the moment and you're returning back to school, you're taking baby steps and getting to where you want to be if you look at things from a positive perspective. One thing that stood out is that you said " left behind by my age group had left me thinking I had missed the train on life" sometimes our peers move at a faster pace that doesn't necessarily means that they're better or more accomplished you. Trust me as long as you take the steps to be where you want to be even if it takes years do it. Look back at how you were you said you was cheerful, maybe try to remember what gave you joy and return to that person you loved being.

I'm probably not the right the person to give you advice since I haven't never experienced any sort of problems of this nature and you must be wondering what are you doing in this thread lol I one day by mistake clicked on it scrolling down and saw plenty of my favorite Gaf posters in here, which I had no idea what they were gone thru to me they all seemed so happy but boy I was mistaken. I remembered you from the mgs rant thread, if I'm not mistaken.So keep up the good fight bro and believe! Pause and breathe usually works for me when I'm under stress =] I hope I helped even if it was just a grain of salt in the grand scheme of things.

 

[BiGBoSSMk23]

This is some deep stuff while reading all I thought was just try to live day to day and not worry about what's out of your control. You're heading in the right track as far as I'm concerned you got a job at the moment and you're returning back to school, you're taking baby steps and getting to where you want to be if you look at things from a positive perspective. One thing that stood out is that you said " left behind by my age group had left me thinking I had missed the train on life" sometimes our peers move at a faster pace that doesn't necessarily means that they're better or more accomplished you. Trust me as long as you take the steps to be where you want to be even if it takes years do it. Look back at how you were you said you was cheerful, maybe try to remember what gave you joy and return to that person you loved being.

I'm probably not the right the person to give you advice since I haven't never experienced any sort of problems of this nature and you must be wondering what are you doing in this thread lol I one day by mistake clicked on it scrolling down and saw plenty of my favorite Gaf posters in here, which I had no idea what they were gone thru to me they all seemed so happy but boy I was mistaken. So keep up the good fight bro and believe! Pause and breathe usually works for me when I'm under stress =] I hope I helped even if it was just a grain of salt in the grand scheme of things.

I appreciate the reply.

It's a very abstract and confusing battle to carry out. I find myself thinking how I let myself slip this far down.

You end up reinventing yourself a thousand different ways to see what works, and also resent those who told you what to change.

There's a lot of stigma and misunderstanding surrounding mental health. It's the toughest part. It can tear families apart, Because mental well being is so fundamental for each individual, even if there is unconditional love in between. When it's misunderstood there's bound to be a lot of resentment floating around.

But you try to educate people as best as you can, and try not to blame yourself for losing your temper once in a while. After all, only you know what you're going through.

 

[Zaraki_Kenpachi]

I appreciate the reply.

It's a very abstract and confusing battle to carry out. I find myself thinking how I let myself slip this far down.

You end up reinventing yourself a thousand different ways to see what works, and also resent those who told you what to change.

There's a lot of stigma and misunderstanding surrounding mental health. It's the toughest part. It can tear families apart, Because mental well being is so fundamental for each individual, even if there is unconditional love in between. When it's misunderstood there's bound to be a lot of resentment floating around.

But you try to educate people as best as you can, and try not to blame yourself for losing your temper once in a while. After all, only you know what you're going through.

I can definitely symphathize with a lot of this. It's a really frustrating feeling to feel so low amdnhave nobody understand. I can't really offer much advice since I haven't really figured it out myself but all I can say is keep moving. Things are accomplished in a day and things will be rough but you have to keep moving your feet so you don't sink. Try your best to not worry about the past or how you got here. At least for me there's nothing that makes sense or a trigger that caused this but rather it just is. You'll spend a lot of time and energy trying to figure it out like a puzzle but its not something with a simple solution that magically fixes everything.

You have to reteach yourself and refocus yourself. Try to find out why you have the panic attacks, what makes them eventually go away. Many times for me it just felt like my brain was overwhelming me and I had to find a way to just endure it and let it pass. Sometimes thingsnlike meditation or yoga helps you slow down that overload but its not always easy to put yourself in that mindset. Best of luck and just keep working towards what you want and don't give up. Hopefully you'll find what you're looking for along your journey. Best of luck.

 

[Colin.]

Snip

Cheers for the detailed reply. I'm not feeling quite as awful as I did yesterday, so I can be more objective, and level-headed about things at the moment. I'll need to break it down a bit, since there's quite a lot to answer.

Nobody holds any stock over who lives or dies. No therapist ever had that power.

It is more about the apparent lack of interest that I tend to get with these people, and the lack of suitable solutions offered to better things for myself. I still have a couple of talking options to go through, but if it turns out to be further flops, I may need to look into other CMHT's, or similar services. I was originally seeing someone that did feel pretty suitable to what I felt I needed, but they left, and all other options since have failed to come close. It's just been frustrating.

You say that everyone treats you like shit and nobody gives a crap if you live or die. Is that really true?
I think a lot of us here have a timeline of being trampled over too. Are you certain that yours is as big as you think?

Apart from the obvious (close family) I do believe that to be the case. Even with family, it seems like more of an obligational if anything, as I'm not close with the vast majority of them. Outside of that, there could be a few people I talk to on occasion that might think months, or years down the line (hmm, wonder whatever happened to that guy?) and that's about it.

I would say so, my track record with people is pretty poor. Every single place I've ended up in an education/working environment, there has always been someone around, giving me a hard time for no reason. Especially during the school years, those were the worst. Most common one as an adult has been outright indifference. So not wishing harm, but definitely not wanting to deal with me longer than is necessary either. To go along with that, I haven't made a friend entirely on my own since primary school. The ones I had in high school were basically made for me through various introductions, so not done on my own.

Are you good at assessing your own worth? Have you ever contemplated why some people seem to have everyone be nice to them, and have you wondered why nobody is not nice to you?

Definitely not, no. As most of the time, I don't feel like I have very much worth at all. As for the next question, I have asked that myself frequently. Whilst you wouldn't think so in this post, I'm generally friendly and laid-back with people, so it isn't my attitude. In comparison with your story, I could probably do with standing my ground more frequently too (and I think that has improved a bit, overtime) and have more belief/confidence in my own speaking. But my tolerance for conflict is pretty low, and confidence/esteem is a lifelong problem, so it is pretty hard to deal with. I think some of it comes down to charisma too, having people hang on your words, anticipating what you have to say. I don't seem to generate that kind of interest at all. It's the sort of trait that seems like if it doesn't come to you naturally, it would be very difficult to learn. As you would have to be very aware of all the aspects of your communication, and how it will be interpreted. None of which comes naturally, when you have a diagnosed condition that affects such things.

And thanks for sharing some of your own story. This reply ended up a bit long, so not expecting further input, but I hope giving more detail was beneficial in some way. It felt therapeutic to write out, so there's that at least.

 

[BiGBoSSMk23]

I can definitely symphathize with a lot of this. It's a really frustrating feeling to feel so low amdnhave nobody understand. I can't really offer much advice since I haven't really figured it out myself but all I can say is keep moving. Things are accomplished in a day and things will be rough but you have to keep moving your feet so you don't sink. Try your best to not worry about the past or how you got here. At least for me there's nothing that makes sense or a trigger that caused this but rather it just is. You'll spend a lot of time and energy trying to figure it out like a puzzle but its not something with a simple solution that magically fixes everything.

You have to reteach yourself and refocus yourself. Try to find out why you have the panic attacks, what makes them eventually go away. Many times for me it just felt like my brain was overwhelming me and I had to find a way to just endure it and let it pass. Sometimes thingsnlike meditation or yoga helps you slow down that overload but its not always easy to put yourself in that mindset. Best of luck and just keep working towards what you want and don't give up. Hopefully you'll find what you're looking for along your journey. Best of luck.

Thank you so much for the kind reply.

 

[Deleted member 102481]

in my first class of the semester oh god

 

[Mumei]

Curious. I went through depression for a lot of my adolescence, for one reason or another. Family conflict, difficulties with academic transition from elementary to middle school, bullying, finding out I was gay, and so forth, so I know what depression feels like. It's not necessarily constant -sad-, at least for me, but more of a dull ache and a sense of emptiness.

I lost my dog on Thursday, about a week and a half ago. She was fourteen years old; I made a topic for anyone who wants to see pictures (you do; she was the best). The first day, I cried and cried, but by the time I finished making that topic, I wasn't. I spent a lot of time looking for pictures of her, and it did make me feel better thinking about how much time I had with her, and it actually made me happy at the time.

But the last four or five days, I've been feeling exactly the way I described. Empty. I'm surprised it took me this long to realize what was going on, but here we are.

I'm not really looking for advice or perspective; I just felt like sharing with people who probably understand the feeling.

 

[kiyomi]

Curious. I went through depression for a lot of my adolescence, for one reason or another. Family conflict, difficulties with academic transition from elementary to middle school, bullying, finding out I was gay, and so forth, so I know what depression feels like. It's not necessarily constant -sad-, at least for me, but more of a dull ache and a sense of emptiness.

I lost my dog on Thursday, about a week and a half ago. She was fourteen years old; I made a topic for anyone who wants to see pictures (you do; she was the best). The first day, I cried and cried, but by the time I finished making that topic, I wasn't. I spent a lot of time looking for pictures of her, and it did make me feel better thinking about how much time I had with her, and it actually made me happy at the time.

But the last four or five days, I've been feeling exactly the way I described. Empty. I'm surprised it took me this long to realize what was going on, but here we are.

I'm not really looking for advice or perspective; I just felt like sharing with people who probably understand the feeling.

I loved reading about Jenni and seeing those pictures. Pets are completely invaluable to those of us in the midst of a battle with ourselves, they give us comfort, reassurance and provide us with a perspective on life that isn't wrapped up in the bullshit of other human beings.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[Darkmakaimura]

Wow, I'm just completely burned out over August. Such a drag of a month and one of the worst was the job hunting which lead to almost nothing even though I'm still waiting on a job opportunity as a caregiver. I can't wait so long to hear so about two weeks ago, I really put effort into looking for almost any kind of work and I'm just losing that motivation again.

Now, I'm just under my usual "stuck in the house" depression along with a slightly higher anxiety than usual. I have to switch to drinking cold coffee due to the regular hot coffee upsetting my stomach which as a result from anxiety, is constantly loose.

While I still seem like I'm 'happy' or at least normal, I can't help but go through every day just wondering if I should give up on it all. I kind of don't see the point in continuing but, like I've mentioned before, I'm too scared to call it an end. I'll be 41 at the end of this month and it's like, 41 years of.... what? I don't even know. I've realized I failed at this so called "game of life" and just haven't had the motivation to do anything about it, I suppose.

I don't know, DGAF, I really don't. Anyways, I needed to get that off my chest right now while it was still in me.

 

[MikeDip]

Curious. I went through depression for a lot of my adolescence, for one reason or another. Family conflict, difficulties with academic transition from elementary to middle school, bullying, finding out I was gay, and so forth, so I know what depression feels like. It's not necessarily constant -sad-, at least for me, but more of a dull ache and a sense of emptiness.

I lost my dog on Thursday, about a week and a half ago. She was fourteen years old; I made a topic for anyone who wants to see pictures (you do; she was the best). The first day, I cried and cried, but by the time I finished making that topic, I wasn't. I spent a lot of time looking for pictures of her, and it did make me feel better thinking about how much time I had with her, and it actually made me happy at the time.

But the last four or five days, I've been feeling exactly the way I described. Empty. I'm surprised it took me this long to realize what was going on, but here we are.

I'm not really looking for advice or perspective; I just felt like sharing with people who probably understand the feeling.

My condolences Mumei, Jenni looked like a wonderful companion. I know what you mean about the sense of emptiness, it sucks.

 

[Get'sMad]

Brintellix was working really rad for me (great energy levels, no side effects) but I switched off it today to escitalopram due to the ridiculous expensive of it ($250 for a month supply despite my insurances "prescription drug coverage"). Regular citalopram gave me sex side effects (could never come), I know escitalopram is essentially the same thing, but I'm still hoping it doesn't mess with my dick like citalopram did.

 

[Deleted member 102481]

why is college so mentally stressful