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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #109 - "Why?"
- Thread starter Ashes
- Start date
- Status
Man, I'm out of practice at this!
Scribble - "Morale of the Tail" - MORAL: don't count your chickens before they hatch! I enjoyed this one, especially the ending. One thing that might've improved it is to tell us a bit more about the merchant's reign. It was hinted that he was pretty bad as well as far as eating the animals, and that they weren't happy with his morals by the end, but I'd like to know more.
ronito - "Castigocracy" - Yes! Glad to see another ronito tale. Like the old man, I guessed what the letters stood for, but it was fun to see anyway. I got a kick out of the whole story (and a lot of it hit close to home), though there might've been a little too much reliance on the Office Space nods. Could've pulled that back a little.
Tragicomedy - "Poker Night" - Nice imagery and prose. I can see why you're into the poetry stuff.
But for a piece called "poker night," I wanted to see some poker! I feel lied to. Seriously though, you might try branching out a little further next time around into some narrative, and see how it feels for you.
John Dunbar - "Not to Wonder Why" - Oh man, the bald guy's speech was made extra funny by some recent threads around here. Topical! I really loved the concept here, it was clever and funny. Though it was really crying out for a lot more space. I think the MC needed to have a few obstacles before solving his problem, in order for the ending to be maximally effective. As it was it felt more like a quick sequence of brief events. Which is more of a problem with our challenge setup than with your writing, so *shrug*.
Scribble - "Morale of the Tail" - MORAL: don't count your chickens before they hatch! I enjoyed this one, especially the ending. One thing that might've improved it is to tell us a bit more about the merchant's reign. It was hinted that he was pretty bad as well as far as eating the animals, and that they weren't happy with his morals by the end, but I'd like to know more.
ronito - "Castigocracy" - Yes! Glad to see another ronito tale. Like the old man, I guessed what the letters stood for, but it was fun to see anyway. I got a kick out of the whole story (and a lot of it hit close to home), though there might've been a little too much reliance on the Office Space nods. Could've pulled that back a little.
Tragicomedy - "Poker Night" - Nice imagery and prose. I can see why you're into the poetry stuff.
But for a piece called "poker night," I wanted to see some poker! I feel lied to. Seriously though, you might try branching out a little further next time around into some narrative, and see how it feels for you.John Dunbar - "Not to Wonder Why" - Oh man, the bald guy's speech was made extra funny by some recent threads around here. Topical! I really loved the concept here, it was clever and funny. Though it was really crying out for a lot more space. I think the MC needed to have a few obstacles before solving his problem, in order for the ending to be maximally effective. As it was it felt more like a quick sequence of brief events. Which is more of a problem with our challenge setup than with your writing, so *shrug*.
lordfroakie
Member
Wow, I forgot about the submission date <_<
John Dunbar
correct about everything
Scribble: I liked the story, and the unedited look of it was actually pretty interesting, sort of a work in progress, but I can't imagine it would have taken much more than a read through to polish out some harsh edges. I agree with Cyan that the merchant and his morals could use some elaborating. The beast did not know what morals were, but did the animals? The merchant eating the animals seems himself seem enough to question him, but was there something more that made the animals turn on him?
ronito: ronito delivers another bleak portrait of corporate life. You should get out of that world, man, otherwise I fear you will die slowly on the inside. The early submission date and the uncharacteristic errors in the text lead me to believe you did not take much time editing the piece, but it was nonetheless effective, and with a glimmer of hope at the end. I did wonder though, are brief cases that house design documents built like tanks, or why didn't the old man just smash the lock?
Tragicomedy: This had some nice writing, and I could see this being used in a larger whole later on. As it is it feels like a fragment, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but its power depends a lot on the reader's ability to relate with the sentiments presented.
ZeroRay: Personally I don't see how anyone could choose Twilight Sparkle over Fluttershy, but beside that it was a charming story that despite its title did not come across as judgemental. It was brief, but it had an apt voice and I could see it becoming a nice portrait of lonely people brought together by something peculiar, in this case ponies.
Bootaaay: As usual very nice prose, but I feel your way of describing Aidan's emotions to Shane's house and their childhoods may have done a disservice to the story. I didn't get the sense of nostalgia and loss typical to such a situation, but that there was something more you wanted to keep in the background for the time being. As a result Aidan and Shane did not just feel estranged friends, but that something significant caused them to drift apart. To the end I expected some kind of a revelation that would explain their relationship and the suicide. Of course this might be me reading too much into things, and no one else will feel the same.
Dragoon En Regalia: This had a lot of nice parts, but I must confess I had a bit of trouble following the narrative. I accept that it was probably a stylistic choice to give it a chaotic feel, but I didn't really have anything to grab hold of. My being unfamiliar with such a setting might have been the primary cause of not getting into it at the start.
Tangent: If we go by the typical word count assigned to pictures, you were about 12,000 over the limit for the challenge, but this was a sweet story well presented, though I'm not sure how sweet the aftermath will be: a chick's ability to deal with such prolonged stress much be rather limited. After all, the signs of physical deterioration were already present in the story. I assume the inspiration was The Little Red Hen, and it's an interesting reversal of theme: in this case the one who did all the work gets to enjoy none of the results, but also asked for no help in the first place. Had the chick asked, she would have been reminded of her allergy, and the bread would not have been made owing to her selfish attitude, which leads to some questions: is it tragic or educational that the chick's efforts were wasted from a selfish point of view? Whatever the causes may have been, the resulting bread is almost certainly a good thing, so where did the mistake, either the chick's or the animals', occur, or was there even a mistake? Is the solution altruism?
ronito: ronito delivers another bleak portrait of corporate life. You should get out of that world, man, otherwise I fear you will die slowly on the inside. The early submission date and the uncharacteristic errors in the text lead me to believe you did not take much time editing the piece, but it was nonetheless effective, and with a glimmer of hope at the end. I did wonder though, are brief cases that house design documents built like tanks, or why didn't the old man just smash the lock?
Tragicomedy: This had some nice writing, and I could see this being used in a larger whole later on. As it is it feels like a fragment, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but its power depends a lot on the reader's ability to relate with the sentiments presented.
ZeroRay: Personally I don't see how anyone could choose Twilight Sparkle over Fluttershy, but beside that it was a charming story that despite its title did not come across as judgemental. It was brief, but it had an apt voice and I could see it becoming a nice portrait of lonely people brought together by something peculiar, in this case ponies.
Bootaaay: As usual very nice prose, but I feel your way of describing Aidan's emotions to Shane's house and their childhoods may have done a disservice to the story. I didn't get the sense of nostalgia and loss typical to such a situation, but that there was something more you wanted to keep in the background for the time being. As a result Aidan and Shane did not just feel estranged friends, but that something significant caused them to drift apart. To the end I expected some kind of a revelation that would explain their relationship and the suicide. Of course this might be me reading too much into things, and no one else will feel the same.
Dragoon En Regalia: This had a lot of nice parts, but I must confess I had a bit of trouble following the narrative. I accept that it was probably a stylistic choice to give it a chaotic feel, but I didn't really have anything to grab hold of. My being unfamiliar with such a setting might have been the primary cause of not getting into it at the start.
Tangent: If we go by the typical word count assigned to pictures, you were about 12,000 over the limit for the challenge, but this was a sweet story well presented, though I'm not sure how sweet the aftermath will be: a chick's ability to deal with such prolonged stress much be rather limited. After all, the signs of physical deterioration were already present in the story. I assume the inspiration was The Little Red Hen, and it's an interesting reversal of theme: in this case the one who did all the work gets to enjoy none of the results, but also asked for no help in the first place. Had the chick asked, she would have been reminded of her allergy, and the bread would not have been made owing to her selfish attitude, which leads to some questions: is it tragic or educational that the chick's efforts were wasted from a selfish point of view? Whatever the causes may have been, the resulting bread is almost certainly a good thing, so where did the mistake, either the chick's or the animals', occur, or was there even a mistake? Is the solution altruism?
John Dunbar
correct about everything
SquiddyBiscuit, I still can't get your story to work.
Dragoon En Regalia
Member
It sounds like, for a story like the one I sent in, the setting needs to come first. I freely admit that I rushed the puppy into the competition, but I wrote it in mind more as a Kafkaesque tale than anything else. That's a good criticism, though, and I wish I had more time to iron some other stuff out.
And I honestly don't think there's that much out near Waco to describe, so maybe that's why I focused on the mind-game. It really is just endless plains and hedgerows out in central Texas; cell masts stick out far more than they should.
And I honestly don't think there's that much out near Waco to describe, so maybe that's why I focused on the mind-game. It really is just endless plains and hedgerows out in central Texas; cell masts stick out far more than they should.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Hm, it's a word document with a password, lemme see if I can re-upload it.
https://www.dropbox.com/s/h03djgnyksxyb56/Scientific breakthrough.docx
Password:
Neogaf
I think the problem is that not everyone can read docx files. Perhaps try saving it as a pdf or a doc file.
Also what is the purpose of spoilering the password?
John Dunbar
correct about everything
yeah, i think the file type is the problem for me.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Alright, alright, did it the old way
Scientific breakthrough - 1,200-ish words
Quote for password.
EDIT: Updated the link, if this doesn't work then I have no idea.
Scientific breakthrough - 1,200-ish words
Quote for password.
EDIT: Updated the link, if this doesn't work then I have no idea.
John Dunbar
correct about everything
now i'm getting Error (403).
John Dunbar
correct about everything
now it works, thanks.
John Dunbar
correct about everything
SquiddyBiscuit: This story succeeded because I bought into what Adrian was saying, and I wasn't even on LSD. My being a physics-illiterate doesn't set the bar very high, but for what its worth the dialogue rang authentic enough for me, which made the pay-off that much better.
Sober: Has the makings for a lot longer piece, as it is it's a bit too fast-paced, which can't be help because of the word limit. Though it didn't really have the space it needed to grow here, I could see this universe supporting a bigger story. Because of the limited room for info I wasn't sure which side, if either, was worth rooting for. At the end the whole blowing up a planet thing sort sours you on the rebels, but Earthlings also seem to be a rather imperialistic lot. Overall it gave me a Starship Troopers vibe.
Cyan: Ain't that the truth. At the start I expected a Huck Finnesque story, but you went places. It may be just my imaginings, but I feel you're really evolving as a storyteller, which is impressive since you're already consistently one of the best writers round these parts. This story did an excellent job summoning up a Southern river scene, and off the top of my head I can't really think of anything in it to critique, except maybe that the characters at times felt more like mouthpieces for the ideas, but due to the nature of the story that was enough to fulfill their function in the story.
cj_iwakura: Much like Tragicomedy's story, its a brief piece that relies on a reader's ability to relate to it. Personally I feel it's a rather well done, but could still use some meat around the bones.
Ashes1396: This is a lovely idea well executed. Though there is a sense of loneliness I often get from your stories, it interestingly did not feel like an Ashes story until the end to me, and I couldn't say why. That's not a criticism, by the way, just an observation. The story dealt with some big issues with little space, and the chain of creators is always an interesting concept.
Votes:
1. Cyan
2. SquiddyBiscuit
3. Tangent
HMs: Ashes1396, Dragoon En Regalia, Sober
Sober: Has the makings for a lot longer piece, as it is it's a bit too fast-paced, which can't be help because of the word limit. Though it didn't really have the space it needed to grow here, I could see this universe supporting a bigger story. Because of the limited room for info I wasn't sure which side, if either, was worth rooting for. At the end the whole blowing up a planet thing sort sours you on the rebels, but Earthlings also seem to be a rather imperialistic lot. Overall it gave me a Starship Troopers vibe.
Cyan: Ain't that the truth. At the start I expected a Huck Finnesque story, but you went places. It may be just my imaginings, but I feel you're really evolving as a storyteller, which is impressive since you're already consistently one of the best writers round these parts. This story did an excellent job summoning up a Southern river scene, and off the top of my head I can't really think of anything in it to critique, except maybe that the characters at times felt more like mouthpieces for the ideas, but due to the nature of the story that was enough to fulfill their function in the story.
cj_iwakura: Much like Tragicomedy's story, its a brief piece that relies on a reader's ability to relate to it. Personally I feel it's a rather well done, but could still use some meat around the bones.
Ashes1396: This is a lovely idea well executed. Though there is a sense of loneliness I often get from your stories, it interestingly did not feel like an Ashes story until the end to me, and I couldn't say why. That's not a criticism, by the way, just an observation. The story dealt with some big issues with little space, and the chain of creators is always an interesting concept.
Votes:
1. Cyan
2. SquiddyBiscuit
3. Tangent
HMs: Ashes1396, Dragoon En Regalia, Sober
Dragoon En Regalia
Member
Time to vote!
1. Cyan
2. ronito
3. John Dunbar
Honorable mentions: Tangent; ZeroRay
1. Cyan
2. ronito
3. John Dunbar
Honorable mentions: Tangent; ZeroRay
SquiddyCracker
Banned
There were a lot of great reads this time around, I thoroughly enjoyed reading through your stuff!
Unfortunately I lost the post with extensive commentary on the entries, so I'll just score it without further ado:
1. ronito
2. John Dunbar
3. Tangent
Unfortunately I lost the post with extensive commentary on the entries, so I'll just score it without further ado:
1. ronito
2. John Dunbar
3. Tangent
Hmm all good questions. So thanks. I guess the idea is that everyone sucks. The lazy animals got what they wanted without any hard work -- the opposite of the Protestant work ethic... and from what I hear, a lot of people feel like idiots at their workplace are the ones who get promoted. Sara herself is also an insane and neurotic weirdo, so she's not to be liked either. She is certainly selfish, but she's also trying not to be selfish -- perhaps like the lazy animals. It's like hard work and singularly-focused ambition has gone awry. She thinks that genius happens in a vacuum so she's not willing to consult with the others. So yes, that was a mistake: not collaborating with the others. But also, I think she was just too delusional to even know what the heck she was doing. She was in a rat race and a rut.
edit: I don't know if this is really what I think. I hadn't thought through all this when I wrote the story, but it's a response I'm coming up with right now.
.
.
Oh man I'm certainly out of practice with this -- and I forgot how sleepy I get on Monday nights! This will be a challenge to get through all the stories! I hope the rest of the stories are as good as the ones I already have read.
.
.
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1. JD
2. Ronito
3. Cyan
HM: Sober, Squiddy
British Monsoon
Member
1. Cyan
2. John Dunbar
3. Ashes1396
HM; Sober, Tragicomedy
2. John Dunbar
3. Ashes1396
HM; Sober, Tragicomedy
1. Cyan - Where Does the Water Go? [First half >second half]
2. Bootaaay - Old Times [meandered a bit]
3. John Dunbar - Not to Wonder Why [inconsistent prose style]
hm.
Scribble - Morale of the Tale [first draft syndrome]
ronito - Castigocracy [corporate cynicism> Hollywood b grade ending]
2. Bootaaay - Old Times [meandered a bit]
3. John Dunbar - Not to Wonder Why [inconsistent prose style]
hm.
Scribble - Morale of the Tale [first draft syndrome]
ronito - Castigocracy [corporate cynicism> Hollywood b grade ending]
He's got 1. Tangent, 2. J.D., and 3 is... I think cj_iwakura? Not sure, though.
Alright, here are the results. I've checked them a couple of times, but I think I got it correct now:
1. J.D. = 15pts**
2. Cyan = 13pts****
3. Tangent = 11pts***
4. Cat wot loves his nicknames = 11pts*
5. Bootaaaaay - 4pts
6. Squid = 3pts
7. Ashes = 3pts
Congrats J.D. Ya did good. Real good.
Yeah, I couldn't recall whether Tonka was J.D or Cyan. I gave oswald to Squid.
1. J.D. = 15pts**
2. Cyan = 13pts****
3. Tangent = 11pts***
4. Cat wot loves his nicknames = 11pts*
5. Bootaaaaay - 4pts
6. Squid = 3pts
7. Ashes = 3pts
Congrats J.D. Ya did good. Real good.
Yeah, I couldn't recall whether Tonka was J.D or Cyan. I gave oswald to Squid.
ZeroRay - "Fucking Ponies" - Dat ending. I enjoyed the conversational style of this one, it did kinda feel like a forum post. Which... yeah. Makes sense. I got kind of confused by the pony/Pony usage, and it took me until the very end to figure out that it was a Pony within a pony thing, Inception-style. Could've made that a mite clearer.
Bootaaay - "Old Times" - What the hell, this isn't a fantasy story. The story read nice and smooth, with your style working just fine in a different genre. My only real complaint would be that the end result was a bit unsubtle, like a brick through the window where a pebble would do.
Dragoon En Regalia - "Guy Wired Up" - Hey, nice to have you join us. I liked the storyline here; I could definitely picture the high tower and climbing up it and seeing the world below. I had a bit of trouble following the action, though. It wasn't always entirely clear who had done what and why, which made me kind of lose the thread a few times.
Tangent - "Having Purpose" - Awesome stuff, I laughed out loud a few times. Your style continues to be great to read. The pictures might've been a bit of a crutch, but they did work nicely. That poor entrepreneur hen.
I got kind of confused by the pony/Pony usage, and it took me until the very end to figure out that it was a Pony within a pony thing, Inception-style. Could've made that a mite clearer.Bootaaay - "Old Times" - What the hell, this isn't a fantasy story. The story read nice and smooth, with your style working just fine in a different genre. My only real complaint would be that the end result was a bit unsubtle, like a brick through the window where a pebble would do.
Dragoon En Regalia - "Guy Wired Up" - Hey, nice to have you join us.
I liked the storyline here; I could definitely picture the high tower and climbing up it and seeing the world below. I had a bit of trouble following the action, though. It wasn't always entirely clear who had done what and why, which made me kind of lose the thread a few times.Tangent - "Having Purpose" - Awesome stuff, I laughed out loud a few times. Your style continues to be great to read. The pictures might've been a bit of a crutch, but they did work nicely. That poor entrepreneur hen.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Ronito used Confusion!
Congrats dunbar!
Congrats dunbar!
John Dunbar
correct about everything
thanks everyone, the field was pretty strong this time so i'm surprised by the results. also, tangent, it was nice to read your thoughts, but i do want to clarify i didn't actually expect you or anyone to answer my questions. i just wrote a bunch of questions down as a way of analysing the text without doing any actual analysis.
anyway, new thread up:
Writing Challenge #110 - "Hurdle"
anyway, new thread up:
Writing Challenge #110 - "Hurdle"
- Status