Jack Remington
Banned
I think the story I want to write might be too big for 2000 words. 
-
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #113 - "Proceed with Caution"
- Thread starter Cyan
- Start date
- Status
Elfforkusu
Member
Write it anyway.I think the story I want to write might be too big for 2000 words.
(some in this thread would say "edit it down to under the word limit". I say, eff the word limit!)
For me, under 2000 basically means under 1000. If I start writing a real story it's gonna balloon quickly.
The ground is a finely ground charred remnant of a better time. The only thing in front of me was a tree, gray, bare, its skinny branches resembles a hand reaching outwardly for the gray skies. The gear I came equipped with were spread around me, some a mile or two behind; melted, torn and broken. My vision started to blur. I could barely stand up with blood streaming out of four different places. I could not vocalize if asked what just happened. But I hoped the look on my face was all that needed to be said. Silly me, there isn’t anyone here, is there?
My breathing is starting to strain. The now toxic air is corroding the tissues in my lungs, poisoning my blood, which still happens to be pouring out of me. I suppose this is what happens when you overstep your bounds, when you try to do something that no one else had done before. I fall on my knees. I could feel the ash coursing through my fingers, piercing the wound in my knee. The ground is turning red, probably from all that stuff coming out of my face.
Damn, I wish I talked to him about not being such a fool. What am I thinking; I should have just killed him right then. He doesn’t deserve to live after all this. I don’t even know where I am, truth be told. Could be another planet for all I know. Probably is, for all intents and purposes. It doesn’t matter now does it? I’m going to die.
I try to crawl towards the tree, at least lean against something and look somewhat cool before I bite it. My windpipe feels as if it's being crushed by a massive clamp; I try to make a few gasps but each one sounds more pathetic than the last. At least now I feel light as a soft breeze. And warm too.
So my final thought before I black out: Don't skydive from above an active volcano.
My breathing is starting to strain. The now toxic air is corroding the tissues in my lungs, poisoning my blood, which still happens to be pouring out of me. I suppose this is what happens when you overstep your bounds, when you try to do something that no one else had done before. I fall on my knees. I could feel the ash coursing through my fingers, piercing the wound in my knee. The ground is turning red, probably from all that stuff coming out of my face.
Damn, I wish I talked to him about not being such a fool. What am I thinking; I should have just killed him right then. He doesn’t deserve to live after all this. I don’t even know where I am, truth be told. Could be another planet for all I know. Probably is, for all intents and purposes. It doesn’t matter now does it? I’m going to die.
I try to crawl towards the tree, at least lean against something and look somewhat cool before I bite it. My windpipe feels as if it's being crushed by a massive clamp; I try to make a few gasps but each one sounds more pathetic than the last. At least now I feel light as a soft breeze. And warm too.
So my final thought before I black out: Don't skydive from above an active volcano.
Also, don’t do things last minute.
This is my first ever entry and really a first time writing a short story. I didn't really get to put much time into this but it was an idea I had from other stuff I've been playing with. If I can keep participating in these, hopefully I can improve overall.
My Entry: The Old Man
My Entry: The Old Man
Forest vault above your outstretched arms
Termite-riddled log beneath your feet
Cross the chasm with care and opened eyes
Lightly tread, but leave a mark of passage
Linger not for wisps that light the way
Pass them by and walk the harder path
Shun fair voices, stay upon the road
Sit beside a stranger's homely campfire
Take care
Green gives way to sloping dunes and heat
Open sky, no cloud to ward the sun
Carry on, through tracts of sand and sere
Shroud your face and shade your eyes til evening
Jackals cry through all the lonely night
Tarry not, but press on through the dark
Kindle a light heart against the gloom
Breakfast with a stranger at the border
Take care
Plunge into the water's rippling edge
Crests fragmenting on the sandy lip
Slake your thirst before you quit the verge
Now leave certain ground behind for shifting
Weave amidst the rocks, upon the tide
Mindful of the whirlpools and the storms
Struggle, pull against the greedy surf
Shelter with a stranger from the tempest
Take care
Soaring topless cliffs bestride the sky
Clouds and eagles alone dare the heights
Gird yourself with courage and take flight
Climb with care but always, ever forward
Find the handholds left by those before
Brace against the scouring wind behind
Inch by inch make headway up and on
Clamber to a stranger's high-perched castle
Have care
Pass within the castle's vaulted rooms
Kindle light amid the sloping halls
Mindful of the stony shattered ground
Find the soaring flight of broken stairs
On them meet a stranger cloaked in black
Visage that you've always known
Knowing, now at last
Embrace the stranger
As a friend
Termite-riddled log beneath your feet
Cross the chasm with care and opened eyes
Lightly tread, but leave a mark of passage
Linger not for wisps that light the way
Pass them by and walk the harder path
Shun fair voices, stay upon the road
Sit beside a stranger's homely campfire
Take care
Green gives way to sloping dunes and heat
Open sky, no cloud to ward the sun
Carry on, through tracts of sand and sere
Shroud your face and shade your eyes til evening
Jackals cry through all the lonely night
Tarry not, but press on through the dark
Kindle a light heart against the gloom
Breakfast with a stranger at the border
Take care
Plunge into the water's rippling edge
Crests fragmenting on the sandy lip
Slake your thirst before you quit the verge
Now leave certain ground behind for shifting
Weave amidst the rocks, upon the tide
Mindful of the whirlpools and the storms
Struggle, pull against the greedy surf
Shelter with a stranger from the tempest
Take care
Soaring topless cliffs bestride the sky
Clouds and eagles alone dare the heights
Gird yourself with courage and take flight
Climb with care but always, ever forward
Find the handholds left by those before
Brace against the scouring wind behind
Inch by inch make headway up and on
Clamber to a stranger's high-perched castle
Have care
Pass within the castle's vaulted rooms
Kindle light amid the sloping halls
Mindful of the stony shattered ground
Find the soaring flight of broken stairs
On them meet a stranger cloaked in black
Visage that you've always known
Knowing, now at last
Embrace the stranger
As a friend
Balancing Act ca. 1980 words.
I hope everything works with the pdf, since I had to use a friend's mac and had some trouble getting used to it (to be honest I'm still not).
I hope everything works with the pdf, since I had to use a friend's mac and had some trouble getting used to it (to be honest I'm still not).
toddhunter
Member
Looks good mate.
Jack Remington
Banned
I had to rush the second half, but here's what I've got:
Colony
“Wake up, Jill.”
Out of my dream I feel thick hands gripping my shoulders, shaking me. “Wake up, Jill!”
My eyelids yawn open, and the room comes into focus, opaque darkness but for the soft dragonfly glow of my nightlight on the far wall and the ghostly frames of bedroom furniture. A shadow with the voice of my father looms over my bed.
“What is it?”
“Grab the suitcase I told you to pack and get dressed. If you have to use the bathroom do it quickly.”
“Is something happening, Daddy?”
“We’re going to the spaceport. I’ll tell you more in the car.”
In the living room Mother sits smoking a cigarette, with a look on her face that I haven’t seen since the night my sister died. I start to ask her what’s going on, but before I can start, Father emerges from his room, suitcase in hand. He’s wearing his special watch, the one the mining board gave him when they made him chief engineer.
“Are you ready?”
I nod.
“Let’s go”
The night crews pay us no mind as we wind through the service tunnels connecting us to the surface. As we emerge from the underground, I can see the horizon is just beginning to brighten. Father is driving faster than normal, and the smokestacks of the refineries fly past us like lamp posts.
“So tell me again,” Mother says. “What exactly did Richter tell you?”
“Negotiations have failed,” Father says quietly. “The Company has decided to use military force. They’re preparing a battle group now. We have to get off the planet.”
“But surely we’d be safe in our home,” Mother says. “Whatever their disagreement with the colonial government, they wouldn’t risk damaging the mines.”
“The mines aren’t safe either. They’ve decided to make an example out of us.”
“No!” Mother’s voice trembles. “They aren’t going to use it… Are they?”
“I don’t know what they’re going to do. I don’t want to be here to see.”
Mother is silent for a few moments, staring straight ahead. “How many people know about this?” she asks finally.
“Only a few so far. They’re going to make the announcement soon. We have to get to the spaceport before that happens.”
A gray-haired man in an overcoat is waiting by the side of the road, clutching a single briefcase. I recognize him instantly as Uncle Joe, a friend of my parents. Father pulls the car to the side of the road, and Uncle Joe gets in.
“I arranged the passes,” Uncle Joe says as he takes a seat next to me in the back. “Four passengers on an export vessel that leaves in half an hour. The captain is a friend of mine.”
“Good.” Father sighs. “You did great, Joe.”
The highway takes us over a copper ridge, and the city skyline comes into view, thin hazy towers standing over the horizon like dead tree trunks. We start to pass the first buildings. More cars on the road now, and Father can’t drive so quickly.
“So many people out, and so early,” Mother says.
“Someone else must have leaked this,” Father says. “But our spots are guaranteed. We’ll be okay. We just have to make it to the spaceport. We still have time.”
“What about everyone else?” I ask.
“What?”
“The Madisons, the Warners… all your other work friends. The kids at my school. What about them?”
“Oh, honey…”
My head hits the seat in front of me as the car screeches to a halt. Father curses. In front of us is a line of cars packed tightly down the highway as far as I can see.
“It’s okay,” Father says. “The spaceport isn’t so far away. We still have time.”
"Goddamn this shit!" Mother shouts. "Goddamn you idiots, move! Move!"
Suddenly I hear a roar louder than any sound I’ve ever heard, and something blinks into the sky just outside the city. A ship. Mother bursts into tears, and Father falls back in his seat. “We’re too late,” he says.
More ships are appearing in the sky in every direction, and the roaring threatens to split my ears apart. Some of the people on the highway jump out of their cars and scatter. Others gaze up at the sky in awe. Suddenly the street goes dark. I look up through the sun roof. A ship has appeared directly over us, blotting out the sky.
“No…” Mother shakes her head. Her reflection in the mirror is pale. “No, no, no…”
“We should still head for the spaceport,” Uncle Joe says. “The captain will want to try at least.”
“It’s too late,” Father says, staring down the highway. Several miles outside the city, one of the ships in the sky is raining fire on something beyond the horizon line. Smoke billows up in the distance, the heavy black smoke of burning.
“They’re only firing on the spaceport,” Uncle Joe says. “They don’t want anyone leaving, but they aren’t firing on the city.”
“Don’t you see?” Mother’s voice is shrill. “They’re trying to keep us here. They’re going to test it on us!”
“Don’t say that!” Father snaps.
“Open your eyes, Harold!”
Across the hulls of all the ships above the city, I see tiny flashes of light, followed by vapor trails arcing like cobwebs towards the city and us. Something crashes into the road directly ahead of us, erupting a dust cloud that fills the entire street. When the dust clears, Mother shrieks.
A large metal canister juts out of the ground like a crooked gravestone. It’s about the size of our car, covered in strange red symbols that must be some letters I’ve never seen. Built into it is some kind of door with hinges, but there’s no handle. Nothing to open it with from the outside.
Uncle Joe gasps and clutches at his chest. His face has gone whiter than clouds, whiter than the refinery smoke.
From other cars somewhere in the vast metal tangle, I can hear the screams begin.
Father spins the steering wheel, and our car lurches down the shoulder of the highway. One of our side mirrors comes off with a metal clang. “The door hadn’t opened yet,” Father mutters. “Thank God it hadn’t opened yet.” He takes us down an offramp, and at last we’re moving freely again, zipping through the city streets.
We make it less than a mile before the car screeches to a halt again. Uncle Joe collapses on top of me. He stinks of stale spices and mothballs. I try to push him up, but his body is too heavy and completely limp. Finally I manage to wriggle out from under Uncle Joe, and I see his face. His unseeing eyes are wide with horror. I’ve never seen a dead body before, and if I had more time I’d probably find it strange.
Before us, the road is blocked again with nowhere to turn. The cars here are empty, their occupants fled into the city. From dozens of hidden places in the distance, I can hear the screams. Men, women, even some that sound like children. They seem to be getting closer.
“It looks like this is it,” Mother digs in her purse until she finds something. She turns to look desperately at Father. “You’ll take care of Jillian, won’t you? Make sure she goes easy?” For the first time I notice the bottle of pills in my mother’s hand.
“Madeline, no, Jesus Christ!” Father slaps the bottle away; it clatters to the floor. “You can’t mean to just give up!”
“What else is there to do?” my mother says. “You know what those things were made for. Don’t make me face them, Harold. I can’t do it.”
“We can still make it,” Father says. “Listen. They’re engineered to break down in a little over one Earth month. We just have to outlast them.”
“A month? They’ll get to us before the sun goes down, Harold!”
“Madeline, listen to me. There’s a secret bunker deep beneath Vantage Station on the eastern ridge. Only the top level people here knew about it. I know the passcode. If we can just make it to the bunker, there should be enough supplies in there to last us more than a month. We can make it through this.”
“Would the bunker even protect us? You told me that walls and doors are no hindrance to…”
“It’s the most secure bunker on the planet,” Father says. “If there’s any place that they can’t get to, it’s there.”
“Okay.” Mother nods. “But if I just take the pill right now, right here while it’s still calm… If they find us, and I have to take it then, the pill might not be fast enough.”
“You can do it,” Father says. “I need you. Jillian needs you. If it comes to it, I swear I will keep you and Jill both from pain. I swear it.”
“Okay,” Mother says. “Okay. I can do this. We can do this.”
I clutch Mother’s hand as we step into the street. Everything is completely still around us. There’s no more screaming around us. Behind us in the distance, where the skyscrapers are, there’s still plenty of screaming, but it’s all blended together like strange music.
Weaving through the stopped cars, we come to an intersection. We start to turn right, but suddenly a young woman appears, sweating and breathing heavily. “You don’t want to go that way,” she says.
“It’s down there?” Father asks.
The young woman nods.
“Did you see it?”
The young woman says nothing, but takes off running.
“We’ll go a different way,” Father says. “We can still make it to the ridge.”
Through deserted streets we pass row after row of locked doors and shuttered windows. All the people are hiding. We turn onto a cross-street, and Father stops us. His face is white like Uncle Joe’s.
In the middle of the road stands another of the metal canisters. Its door opens into darkness.
Mother grips Father’s arm, and I can see her knees weaken.
“Go back,” Father whispers. “Go on your tiptoes. Don’t make any sound.”
Slowly we make our way away from that street. I don’t dare to let my heels touch the ground. It’s not until we’ve gone at least another ten blocks that I finally hear Father sigh. “We’re almost there,” he says. Sure enough, we round another corner, and the city starts to fade into desert. I can see the ridge ahead of us in the distance. We make our way up the rocky path.
“You know where to go?” Mother asks.
“The entrance isn’t really hidden, but few people know about it, and the keypad isn’t obvious,” Father says. “I should be able to find it though.”
We're just coming around a corner past a rock outcropping when Father stops. At the end of the path, just where the ridge starts to slope upward, a man with a white beard lays in a pool of blood running out of the hole in his head. A gun sits in the dust beside him.
Behind the old man, a thick metal door in the side of the mountain stands wide open. Beyond the door is only shadow.
Father drops to his knees. “No…” He shakes his head. “No, no, no…”
Kneeling beside the old man, Mother is counting something. She looks up at Father.
“There’s enough,” she says. “We have that much luck left to us, at least. You promised Harold. Don’t you remember? You promised.”
“I know.” Father rises to his feet wearily. “Jillian,” he says. “Come here, honey.”
Colony
“Wake up, Jill.”
Out of my dream I feel thick hands gripping my shoulders, shaking me. “Wake up, Jill!”
My eyelids yawn open, and the room comes into focus, opaque darkness but for the soft dragonfly glow of my nightlight on the far wall and the ghostly frames of bedroom furniture. A shadow with the voice of my father looms over my bed.
“What is it?”
“Grab the suitcase I told you to pack and get dressed. If you have to use the bathroom do it quickly.”
“Is something happening, Daddy?”
“We’re going to the spaceport. I’ll tell you more in the car.”
In the living room Mother sits smoking a cigarette, with a look on her face that I haven’t seen since the night my sister died. I start to ask her what’s going on, but before I can start, Father emerges from his room, suitcase in hand. He’s wearing his special watch, the one the mining board gave him when they made him chief engineer.
“Are you ready?”
I nod.
“Let’s go”
The night crews pay us no mind as we wind through the service tunnels connecting us to the surface. As we emerge from the underground, I can see the horizon is just beginning to brighten. Father is driving faster than normal, and the smokestacks of the refineries fly past us like lamp posts.
“So tell me again,” Mother says. “What exactly did Richter tell you?”
“Negotiations have failed,” Father says quietly. “The Company has decided to use military force. They’re preparing a battle group now. We have to get off the planet.”
“But surely we’d be safe in our home,” Mother says. “Whatever their disagreement with the colonial government, they wouldn’t risk damaging the mines.”
“The mines aren’t safe either. They’ve decided to make an example out of us.”
“No!” Mother’s voice trembles. “They aren’t going to use it… Are they?”
“I don’t know what they’re going to do. I don’t want to be here to see.”
Mother is silent for a few moments, staring straight ahead. “How many people know about this?” she asks finally.
“Only a few so far. They’re going to make the announcement soon. We have to get to the spaceport before that happens.”
A gray-haired man in an overcoat is waiting by the side of the road, clutching a single briefcase. I recognize him instantly as Uncle Joe, a friend of my parents. Father pulls the car to the side of the road, and Uncle Joe gets in.
“I arranged the passes,” Uncle Joe says as he takes a seat next to me in the back. “Four passengers on an export vessel that leaves in half an hour. The captain is a friend of mine.”
“Good.” Father sighs. “You did great, Joe.”
The highway takes us over a copper ridge, and the city skyline comes into view, thin hazy towers standing over the horizon like dead tree trunks. We start to pass the first buildings. More cars on the road now, and Father can’t drive so quickly.
“So many people out, and so early,” Mother says.
“Someone else must have leaked this,” Father says. “But our spots are guaranteed. We’ll be okay. We just have to make it to the spaceport. We still have time.”
“What about everyone else?” I ask.
“What?”
“The Madisons, the Warners… all your other work friends. The kids at my school. What about them?”
“Oh, honey…”
My head hits the seat in front of me as the car screeches to a halt. Father curses. In front of us is a line of cars packed tightly down the highway as far as I can see.
“It’s okay,” Father says. “The spaceport isn’t so far away. We still have time.”
"Goddamn this shit!" Mother shouts. "Goddamn you idiots, move! Move!"
Suddenly I hear a roar louder than any sound I’ve ever heard, and something blinks into the sky just outside the city. A ship. Mother bursts into tears, and Father falls back in his seat. “We’re too late,” he says.
More ships are appearing in the sky in every direction, and the roaring threatens to split my ears apart. Some of the people on the highway jump out of their cars and scatter. Others gaze up at the sky in awe. Suddenly the street goes dark. I look up through the sun roof. A ship has appeared directly over us, blotting out the sky.
“No…” Mother shakes her head. Her reflection in the mirror is pale. “No, no, no…”
“We should still head for the spaceport,” Uncle Joe says. “The captain will want to try at least.”
“It’s too late,” Father says, staring down the highway. Several miles outside the city, one of the ships in the sky is raining fire on something beyond the horizon line. Smoke billows up in the distance, the heavy black smoke of burning.
“They’re only firing on the spaceport,” Uncle Joe says. “They don’t want anyone leaving, but they aren’t firing on the city.”
“Don’t you see?” Mother’s voice is shrill. “They’re trying to keep us here. They’re going to test it on us!”
“Don’t say that!” Father snaps.
“Open your eyes, Harold!”
Across the hulls of all the ships above the city, I see tiny flashes of light, followed by vapor trails arcing like cobwebs towards the city and us. Something crashes into the road directly ahead of us, erupting a dust cloud that fills the entire street. When the dust clears, Mother shrieks.
A large metal canister juts out of the ground like a crooked gravestone. It’s about the size of our car, covered in strange red symbols that must be some letters I’ve never seen. Built into it is some kind of door with hinges, but there’s no handle. Nothing to open it with from the outside.
Uncle Joe gasps and clutches at his chest. His face has gone whiter than clouds, whiter than the refinery smoke.
From other cars somewhere in the vast metal tangle, I can hear the screams begin.
Father spins the steering wheel, and our car lurches down the shoulder of the highway. One of our side mirrors comes off with a metal clang. “The door hadn’t opened yet,” Father mutters. “Thank God it hadn’t opened yet.” He takes us down an offramp, and at last we’re moving freely again, zipping through the city streets.
We make it less than a mile before the car screeches to a halt again. Uncle Joe collapses on top of me. He stinks of stale spices and mothballs. I try to push him up, but his body is too heavy and completely limp. Finally I manage to wriggle out from under Uncle Joe, and I see his face. His unseeing eyes are wide with horror. I’ve never seen a dead body before, and if I had more time I’d probably find it strange.
Before us, the road is blocked again with nowhere to turn. The cars here are empty, their occupants fled into the city. From dozens of hidden places in the distance, I can hear the screams. Men, women, even some that sound like children. They seem to be getting closer.
“It looks like this is it,” Mother digs in her purse until she finds something. She turns to look desperately at Father. “You’ll take care of Jillian, won’t you? Make sure she goes easy?” For the first time I notice the bottle of pills in my mother’s hand.
“Madeline, no, Jesus Christ!” Father slaps the bottle away; it clatters to the floor. “You can’t mean to just give up!”
“What else is there to do?” my mother says. “You know what those things were made for. Don’t make me face them, Harold. I can’t do it.”
“We can still make it,” Father says. “Listen. They’re engineered to break down in a little over one Earth month. We just have to outlast them.”
“A month? They’ll get to us before the sun goes down, Harold!”
“Madeline, listen to me. There’s a secret bunker deep beneath Vantage Station on the eastern ridge. Only the top level people here knew about it. I know the passcode. If we can just make it to the bunker, there should be enough supplies in there to last us more than a month. We can make it through this.”
“Would the bunker even protect us? You told me that walls and doors are no hindrance to…”
“It’s the most secure bunker on the planet,” Father says. “If there’s any place that they can’t get to, it’s there.”
“Okay.” Mother nods. “But if I just take the pill right now, right here while it’s still calm… If they find us, and I have to take it then, the pill might not be fast enough.”
“You can do it,” Father says. “I need you. Jillian needs you. If it comes to it, I swear I will keep you and Jill both from pain. I swear it.”
“Okay,” Mother says. “Okay. I can do this. We can do this.”
I clutch Mother’s hand as we step into the street. Everything is completely still around us. There’s no more screaming around us. Behind us in the distance, where the skyscrapers are, there’s still plenty of screaming, but it’s all blended together like strange music.
Weaving through the stopped cars, we come to an intersection. We start to turn right, but suddenly a young woman appears, sweating and breathing heavily. “You don’t want to go that way,” she says.
“It’s down there?” Father asks.
The young woman nods.
“Did you see it?”
The young woman says nothing, but takes off running.
“We’ll go a different way,” Father says. “We can still make it to the ridge.”
Through deserted streets we pass row after row of locked doors and shuttered windows. All the people are hiding. We turn onto a cross-street, and Father stops us. His face is white like Uncle Joe’s.
In the middle of the road stands another of the metal canisters. Its door opens into darkness.
Mother grips Father’s arm, and I can see her knees weaken.
“Go back,” Father whispers. “Go on your tiptoes. Don’t make any sound.”
Slowly we make our way away from that street. I don’t dare to let my heels touch the ground. It’s not until we’ve gone at least another ten blocks that I finally hear Father sigh. “We’re almost there,” he says. Sure enough, we round another corner, and the city starts to fade into desert. I can see the ridge ahead of us in the distance. We make our way up the rocky path.
“You know where to go?” Mother asks.
“The entrance isn’t really hidden, but few people know about it, and the keypad isn’t obvious,” Father says. “I should be able to find it though.”
We're just coming around a corner past a rock outcropping when Father stops. At the end of the path, just where the ridge starts to slope upward, a man with a white beard lays in a pool of blood running out of the hole in his head. A gun sits in the dust beside him.
Behind the old man, a thick metal door in the side of the mountain stands wide open. Beyond the door is only shadow.
Father drops to his knees. “No…” He shakes his head. “No, no, no…”
Kneeling beside the old man, Mother is counting something. She looks up at Father.
“There’s enough,” she says. “We have that much luck left to us, at least. You promised Harold. Don’t you remember? You promised.”
“I know.” Father rises to his feet wearily. “Jillian,” he says. “Come here, honey.”
Our Hero. 1981 words.
I have no idea how to password protect dropbox. If someone could help me out, that would be great.
Edit: Got it!
I have no idea how to password protect dropbox. If someone could help me out, that would be great.
Edit: Got it!
Password is reigun.
Our Hero. 1981 words.
I have no idea how to password protect dropbox. If someone could help me out, that would be great.
You have to password protect the document itself, via Acrobat Pro or a utility like PrimoPDF
Jack Remington
Banned
Can't wait to read all your stories and get feedback from you guys.
Please give me as much feedback as you can. I'll try to do the same for you.
Please give me as much feedback as you can. I'll try to do the same for you.
Got it. Thanks!
Oh don't you worry about that...
I've actually been reining myself in as far as feedback is concerned. Just feels awkward to be a newbie and get so chatty with an established community, and I take pains to try and not say anything that might conceivably cause offense.
British Monsoon
Member
The colour of the sky has long been a harbinger of omen, a sign of things to come more palpable than any Oracle's screed, more tangible than any ancient prophetic verse. Its wild and multifarious hues cast not only an accurate eye upon the comings and goings of storm and sun, but also lend further fuel to that unquenchable, devouring fire of imagination that so often plays merry with man's hopes and fears. A grey and sullen cover of cloud, or a crisp, clear vista can, at times, have equal, but opposite affect on even the stoutest of hearts, though for some the problem can be far more pronounced. So it was with anguished, red-rimmed eyes that one man stared out balefully at the morning which greeted him. A smear of angry, voluminous black cloud coursed across an otherwise calm and clear winter's morning. The usual crisp chill in the air was replaced by a cold, icy clamminess that seeped viciously into his bones, freezing his flesh with its touch. He jumped as, with a flash of lightning and a crash or roaring, mocking thunder, the storm began to unleash its fury. Perhaps it will only last a while, he prayed. Yes, perhaps its all bluff and bluster and will soon pass on by. He would be late, though perhaps no one would notice. But his hopes were dashed as he watched the storm rage its way across his horizon and, inexorably, directly towards him. The flash of lightning and rumble of thunder quickened the pace as a bitter gust of wind tore leaves from the trees and battered at his trembling form, forcing him to close tight the door where he stood, shivering, a whimper escaping from lips pressed white in a rictus of panic. He raised his eyes to the ceiling and listened as the rain hammered incessantly, maddeningly upon his roof. Another crash of thunder sent him cowering to the corner, forcing his shaking hands to his ears as he realised that the storm was sitting there, waiting for him and would not leave him be, would not be satisfied, until he was dead. He sighed like a man utterly lost, bewildered and alone. With steps leaden by remorse, he walked to the phone and called the office. Yes. Can't make it in today. No, I'm not sick. No. Well, it's the storm. It's following me. What? No! It's trying to kill me! Fine! He slammed the phone down, angry at his now former employer, angry at himself and, most of all, angry at the storm. Throwing himself down into the arm chair, he grabbed the remote and turned on the TV, ramming the volume way up so as to drown out that incessant rain. He surfed aimlessly through the channels, seething, his teeth tightly gritted as he silently cursed the misfortune that had befallen him and the injustice of his affliction. Another crash of thunder, this one seeming to rattle the house to its very foundations, and, like some sick, cruel joke perpetuated by this bastard of a universe, the power went out and the man let out a tortured, sickened, world-weary scream as the rain poured, the lightning flashed, the thunder rumbled and the wind roared its merry, maddening tune.
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Entries:
Aaron - Mountain Rally
Mike M - Only 2000 Words to Live
Ashes1396 - how author met poeta
toddhunter - You've Got the Touch
John Dunbar - May Contain Lies
Gattsu25 - Inconsequential
Elfforkusu - Across the Universe
Tangent - "Interview with My Brother"
Copernicus - Proceed with Caution - Passion
ZeroRay - Volcano Jones
tirminyl - The Old Man
Cyan - The Journey
Nezumi - Balancing Act
Jack Remington - Colony
ReiGun - Our Hero.
Bootaaay - Storm Clouds Rising
--
Vote like so:
1.
2.
3.
Hm.
--
Most of the stories are password protected with this one, and I use this one. If neither work, then quote the post the story is in, to see the password the author uses.
Enjoy...
--
Entries:
Aaron - Mountain Rally
Mike M - Only 2000 Words to Live
Ashes1396 - how author met poeta
toddhunter - You've Got the Touch
John Dunbar - May Contain Lies
Gattsu25 - Inconsequential
Elfforkusu - Across the Universe
Tangent - "Interview with My Brother"
Copernicus - Proceed with Caution - Passion
ZeroRay - Volcano Jones
tirminyl - The Old Man
Cyan - The Journey
Nezumi - Balancing Act
Jack Remington - Colony
ReiGun - Our Hero.
Bootaaay - Storm Clouds Rising
--
Vote like so:
1.
2.
3.
Hm.
--
Most of the stories are password protected with this one, and I use this one. If neither work, then quote the post the story is in, to see the password the author uses.
Enjoy...
--
Renders it "non public" for the purposes of publishing later.
Not that I'm likely to ever publish any of these entries, but still.
Hmm? are you meaning that anything posted on, let's say, my blog cannot be used in future publications because it was freely visible on the internets?
Most publishers won't want to pay you for works that are already available for free.
Still doesn't answer my question. My story is hosted on my blog, not neogaf.
Thanks, Copernicus
In terms of your blog, I'm not entirely sure. You can presumably remove it at any time, so it might not be an issue.
Short answer: yes, that's correct.
Longer answer: generally if you are looking to publish something like a short story, what the publisher wants is first publication rights. What this used to mainly mean was that they didn't want reprints of what other places had published unless explicitly stated (and at a lower rate). With the coming of the internet, that extended to things that had been published on personal websites. The whole thing is somewhat murky, but on the whole you should assume that once something goes up on your blog, the first publication rights are gone.
Alright, finally finished compiling comments on everything...
Aaron -- Mountain Rally: At first, I thought this was going to be about dog racing. Nope. I liked this concept, and also liked how the ending is a bit ambiguous; those that enjoy sappy "underdog makes good" and those that like tragedy can imagine how it ends to their own liking. That said, I think it could use a smidge of tweaking. Nothing dramatic, but I'd imagine dinomen probably come from clutches, not litters (they're your creation though, so what do I know), and 20 feet is perhaps excessively tall. 15 or even 12 would have still conveyed their gigantism and allow a bit more believability in their interacting with humans. I think I'd like to read more of this without the threat of the word limit smothering the fleshing out of a fictional species.
Mike M -- Only 2000 Words to Live: All the talk about Transformers and space bridges was heavily influential on where my thought process went with this one. It is perhaps heavily indebted to Toy Story as well, but its not like the opening sequences to the Toy Story movies were appreciably different from how kids play with toys anyway.
Ashes1396 -- how author met poeta: I know little about raver subculture, are IV drugs big with them? I thought they were more about Ecstasy, or whatever kids do these days. Anyway, moving on... While I was able to extract meaning in all such cases, there were instances I felt sentences could have been better worded to more clearly impart what you trying to say. I'd also probably used "thought" instead of "said" for the portions of telepathic dialog for much the same reasons. I liked this, I liked the characters, I liked the brief glimpse of how the rules of magic work, the characters, etc. I also think the cadence and flow you had in your head is maybe not something that can be conveyed in written form. Granted Ive only read a few of your entries, but it seems you like to get experimental with rules, but I think readability took a hit this time around. It's good stuff overall, but could benefit from some refinement.
toddhunter -- Youve Got the Touch: My Decepticon tattoo declares you the winner. Sadly, it doesnt get a binding vote : ( I thought the mention of the Death Star was out of place in this one. If it had been part of a larger mash up of franchises (i.e. throw in Galactus and have him and Unicron discuss the problems with their jobs of consuming planets), then it would have worked out just fine. But given that the rest of it was just based in Transformers mythos, it was just kinda hanging out there calling attention to itself. Starscream really got short shrift in this one, he got far fewer words and was much less developed in his neurosis than Unicron and Bumblebee. Would have loved it if you had managed to work some of the lyrics from the soundtrack into the text beyond the title : )
John Dunbar -- May Contain Lies: Heh, this reminds me of dealing with my nephew. He believes everything hes ever told, no matter what the source. You know those commercials for products no one needs that try and melodramatically demonstrate how life without it is horrible and not worth living? Yeah, he takes that all at face value. Oy. The punch line got another laugh out of me, but I dont know if thats because its funny on its own, or if its also exemplary of the same sort of conclusion my nephew would reach that makes my brain hurt. I dont know any more : (
Gattsu25 -- Inconsequential: This one is solidly constructed, I especially liked the notion of someone working at the airport whos never flown on an airplane before to echo Robs apprehension. It seems to end right when its getting started, though. If the events at the airport after he got to his flight gate were as developed as the rest of the story up to that point, I think it would have been more balanced. Frankly if I was so rattled about flying that I felt the compulsion to voice my fears to every stranger I met along the process of getting on my flight, Id probably be more rattled by the rapid-fire disasters that befell Rob in the last two paragraphs than to just fall asleep after realizing that something valuable was about to be smashed in his luggage. I guess in my minds eye, given the start of the story, I would imagine the endpoint would be when he arrives at his destination, not when he merely boards the plane, so I was left wanting more.
Elfforkusu -- Across the Universe: The part that sticks out in my mind the most on this one is that the security computer explicitly states that its incapable of laughter, yet it screams and seems capable of expressing emotions as it taunts the nameless intruder. That bit seemed oddly discontiguous to the rest of the story, which was otherwise solid. Given that the story was mostly dialog and you came in well under the word limit, I think it could have benefited from more description of the intruders progress through the satellite, perhaps encountering and evading/disabling security measures. If the satellite is so important, youd think theyd invest in security measures other than a computer who debates the nature of existence with any intruders it detects : )
Tangent -- Interview With My Brother: Honestly, I felt that the central conceit here was somewhat muddled. It felt like you were trying to straddle between the idea of them being self-aware video game characters inhabiting ala Wreck-It Ralph, while at the same time portraying it as all having happened in the real world with the existence of YouTube. The story would have been stronger if itd gone with one or the other, and maybe slightly less exposition that spells everything out from the start. The nature of the premise is such that just about everyone would pick it up on their own in due time, no matter how deeply you buried the lead : ) PS: Mario hits bricks with his fist, not his head : P Heh heh.
Copernicus -- Passion: This one has the promise of erotic thriller in it, but its rough around the edges. I think a lot of these paragraphs that are only one sentence in length could be combined into larger paragraphs, and there are some punctuation and capitalization errors. I think the story ramps up to the sense of menace at a good rate, though Id preferred to see some hints of Jays malice trickled out a bit further upstream. It didnt exactly come out of nowhere, but the transition could be smoother.
ZeroRay -- Volcano Joe: I feel like Im missing something, like theres some oblique reference to Joe Versus the Volcano Im not quite getting because I havent seen the movie in so long. Who is it that the narrator is wishing that he had killed when he had the chance, for instance. Theres a seed of a darkly comic story here, but I think perhaps you were overly economical in your portrayal of the idea and conveyance suffered for it.
tirminyl -- The Old Man: I was pretty intrigued by this, though I wasnt entirely certain as to the identity of The Old Man. Got the impression he was some sort of god or other immortal himself, but if you had any particular historical mythological figure in mind, I didnt pick up on it. The idea of missionaries knocking on the door of a retired god tickles my fancy, seems very Neil Gaimen-esque. It was a good read, but on a technical level would have benefited from additional proofreading for punctuation and such.
Cyan -- The Journey: Damn you Cyan, youve discovered my one weakness. I am completely unable to critique poetry. Um... I didnt hate it. I just find poetry to be... I dont know, bulletproof? Unless its just outright egregiously terrible, everything is entirely up to the authors discretion and rules can fly out the window, so youre just left with the personal tastes of the reader, and I just dont have any in this arena : / I dont have a poetic bone in my body.
Nezumi -- Balancing Act: I wasnt entirely certain at first blush that the protagonist was a spider at all, due to the mention of mandibles. Spiders have chelicerae : ) Maybe its just my zoology degree talking, but I felt that this had an odd approach where on one hand youre relatively accurately describing a spiders activity (albeit with human motivations), but then on occasion it was oddly anthropomorphized with tears and mentions of breathing down the back (spider respiration occurs in book lungs on the underside of the abdomen, which would mean they were positioned quite oddly to feel breathing on their back. Heh.). These are all minor nitpicks that only people who wasted four years of their life earning a degree in the subject are likely to care about though, outside of that I thought this was pretty charming and cute.
Jack Remington -- Colony: I got a vibe related to what I get when Im playing Dead Space. The idea of some nearly insurmountable horror stalking the protagonists while shit keeps going wrong every time they attempt a plan. Thats Dead Space, baby! Nice work on never explaining exactly *what* was going to destroy everyone, what the imagination concocts is almost always let down when its revealed. I think my single largest note on this story is that it really didnt gain anything by being written in the first person view. Were not really ever treated to what Jill is thinking in her head, so it kind of goes to waste. Also, I didnt think that it was particularly clear that Uncle Joe died when he did, so it kind of came as a surprise when theres mention of his body and I had to backtrack to find out when that happened. Good read, though.
ReiGun -- Our Hero: Very silver age pulp sci-fi. Thats something that lends itself much more to parody and satire these days, but you played it more or less straight. Granted, you kind of turned the conventions on its ear in the end with the hero turning out to not be a hero at all, but I think you could have taken the concept much, much further. But it didnt seem like you were aiming for a comedy with this, so that might not be the greatest advice in the world. I did notice a missing word when Rachel was grabbed towards the end, and the first sentence could be more clear in the fact that shes writing the biggest story of her life, not that the following story is about her life. Outside of that, I didnt see any glaring errors.
Bootaaay -- Storm Clouds Rising: This is another story this time around that I think is an interesting concept that I want to read more of, but isnt fulfilled. The notion of a guys life being ruined by a storm that follows him wherever he goes is an interesting one, and youve plenty of room and possibilities to explore with that one, i.e. whether the storm is real or all in his mind, how this came to be, how he knows its trying to kill him, how he managed to lose it up until that point in the morning, etc. Id love to see it fleshed out more.
Alright, my picks after way more deliberation than I would have expected:
1. Nezumi
2. Ashes1396
3. Jack Remington
Honorable Mention: toddhunter
Aaron -- Mountain Rally: At first, I thought this was going to be about dog racing. Nope. I liked this concept, and also liked how the ending is a bit ambiguous; those that enjoy sappy "underdog makes good" and those that like tragedy can imagine how it ends to their own liking. That said, I think it could use a smidge of tweaking. Nothing dramatic, but I'd imagine dinomen probably come from clutches, not litters (they're your creation though, so what do I know), and 20 feet is perhaps excessively tall. 15 or even 12 would have still conveyed their gigantism and allow a bit more believability in their interacting with humans. I think I'd like to read more of this without the threat of the word limit smothering the fleshing out of a fictional species.
Mike M -- Only 2000 Words to Live: All the talk about Transformers and space bridges was heavily influential on where my thought process went with this one. It is perhaps heavily indebted to Toy Story as well, but its not like the opening sequences to the Toy Story movies were appreciably different from how kids play with toys anyway.
Ashes1396 -- how author met poeta: I know little about raver subculture, are IV drugs big with them? I thought they were more about Ecstasy, or whatever kids do these days. Anyway, moving on... While I was able to extract meaning in all such cases, there were instances I felt sentences could have been better worded to more clearly impart what you trying to say. I'd also probably used "thought" instead of "said" for the portions of telepathic dialog for much the same reasons. I liked this, I liked the characters, I liked the brief glimpse of how the rules of magic work, the characters, etc. I also think the cadence and flow you had in your head is maybe not something that can be conveyed in written form. Granted Ive only read a few of your entries, but it seems you like to get experimental with rules, but I think readability took a hit this time around. It's good stuff overall, but could benefit from some refinement.
toddhunter -- Youve Got the Touch: My Decepticon tattoo declares you the winner. Sadly, it doesnt get a binding vote : ( I thought the mention of the Death Star was out of place in this one. If it had been part of a larger mash up of franchises (i.e. throw in Galactus and have him and Unicron discuss the problems with their jobs of consuming planets), then it would have worked out just fine. But given that the rest of it was just based in Transformers mythos, it was just kinda hanging out there calling attention to itself. Starscream really got short shrift in this one, he got far fewer words and was much less developed in his neurosis than Unicron and Bumblebee. Would have loved it if you had managed to work some of the lyrics from the soundtrack into the text beyond the title : )
John Dunbar -- May Contain Lies: Heh, this reminds me of dealing with my nephew. He believes everything hes ever told, no matter what the source. You know those commercials for products no one needs that try and melodramatically demonstrate how life without it is horrible and not worth living? Yeah, he takes that all at face value. Oy. The punch line got another laugh out of me, but I dont know if thats because its funny on its own, or if its also exemplary of the same sort of conclusion my nephew would reach that makes my brain hurt. I dont know any more : (
Gattsu25 -- Inconsequential: This one is solidly constructed, I especially liked the notion of someone working at the airport whos never flown on an airplane before to echo Robs apprehension. It seems to end right when its getting started, though. If the events at the airport after he got to his flight gate were as developed as the rest of the story up to that point, I think it would have been more balanced. Frankly if I was so rattled about flying that I felt the compulsion to voice my fears to every stranger I met along the process of getting on my flight, Id probably be more rattled by the rapid-fire disasters that befell Rob in the last two paragraphs than to just fall asleep after realizing that something valuable was about to be smashed in his luggage. I guess in my minds eye, given the start of the story, I would imagine the endpoint would be when he arrives at his destination, not when he merely boards the plane, so I was left wanting more.
Elfforkusu -- Across the Universe: The part that sticks out in my mind the most on this one is that the security computer explicitly states that its incapable of laughter, yet it screams and seems capable of expressing emotions as it taunts the nameless intruder. That bit seemed oddly discontiguous to the rest of the story, which was otherwise solid. Given that the story was mostly dialog and you came in well under the word limit, I think it could have benefited from more description of the intruders progress through the satellite, perhaps encountering and evading/disabling security measures. If the satellite is so important, youd think theyd invest in security measures other than a computer who debates the nature of existence with any intruders it detects : )
Tangent -- Interview With My Brother: Honestly, I felt that the central conceit here was somewhat muddled. It felt like you were trying to straddle between the idea of them being self-aware video game characters inhabiting ala Wreck-It Ralph, while at the same time portraying it as all having happened in the real world with the existence of YouTube. The story would have been stronger if itd gone with one or the other, and maybe slightly less exposition that spells everything out from the start. The nature of the premise is such that just about everyone would pick it up on their own in due time, no matter how deeply you buried the lead : ) PS: Mario hits bricks with his fist, not his head : P Heh heh.
Copernicus -- Passion: This one has the promise of erotic thriller in it, but its rough around the edges. I think a lot of these paragraphs that are only one sentence in length could be combined into larger paragraphs, and there are some punctuation and capitalization errors. I think the story ramps up to the sense of menace at a good rate, though Id preferred to see some hints of Jays malice trickled out a bit further upstream. It didnt exactly come out of nowhere, but the transition could be smoother.
ZeroRay -- Volcano Joe: I feel like Im missing something, like theres some oblique reference to Joe Versus the Volcano Im not quite getting because I havent seen the movie in so long. Who is it that the narrator is wishing that he had killed when he had the chance, for instance. Theres a seed of a darkly comic story here, but I think perhaps you were overly economical in your portrayal of the idea and conveyance suffered for it.
tirminyl -- The Old Man: I was pretty intrigued by this, though I wasnt entirely certain as to the identity of The Old Man. Got the impression he was some sort of god or other immortal himself, but if you had any particular historical mythological figure in mind, I didnt pick up on it. The idea of missionaries knocking on the door of a retired god tickles my fancy, seems very Neil Gaimen-esque. It was a good read, but on a technical level would have benefited from additional proofreading for punctuation and such.
Cyan -- The Journey: Damn you Cyan, youve discovered my one weakness. I am completely unable to critique poetry. Um... I didnt hate it. I just find poetry to be... I dont know, bulletproof? Unless its just outright egregiously terrible, everything is entirely up to the authors discretion and rules can fly out the window, so youre just left with the personal tastes of the reader, and I just dont have any in this arena : / I dont have a poetic bone in my body.
Nezumi -- Balancing Act: I wasnt entirely certain at first blush that the protagonist was a spider at all, due to the mention of mandibles. Spiders have chelicerae : ) Maybe its just my zoology degree talking, but I felt that this had an odd approach where on one hand youre relatively accurately describing a spiders activity (albeit with human motivations), but then on occasion it was oddly anthropomorphized with tears and mentions of breathing down the back (spider respiration occurs in book lungs on the underside of the abdomen, which would mean they were positioned quite oddly to feel breathing on their back. Heh.). These are all minor nitpicks that only people who wasted four years of their life earning a degree in the subject are likely to care about though, outside of that I thought this was pretty charming and cute.
Jack Remington -- Colony: I got a vibe related to what I get when Im playing Dead Space. The idea of some nearly insurmountable horror stalking the protagonists while shit keeps going wrong every time they attempt a plan. Thats Dead Space, baby! Nice work on never explaining exactly *what* was going to destroy everyone, what the imagination concocts is almost always let down when its revealed. I think my single largest note on this story is that it really didnt gain anything by being written in the first person view. Were not really ever treated to what Jill is thinking in her head, so it kind of goes to waste. Also, I didnt think that it was particularly clear that Uncle Joe died when he did, so it kind of came as a surprise when theres mention of his body and I had to backtrack to find out when that happened. Good read, though.
ReiGun -- Our Hero: Very silver age pulp sci-fi. Thats something that lends itself much more to parody and satire these days, but you played it more or less straight. Granted, you kind of turned the conventions on its ear in the end with the hero turning out to not be a hero at all, but I think you could have taken the concept much, much further. But it didnt seem like you were aiming for a comedy with this, so that might not be the greatest advice in the world. I did notice a missing word when Rachel was grabbed towards the end, and the first sentence could be more clear in the fact that shes writing the biggest story of her life, not that the following story is about her life. Outside of that, I didnt see any glaring errors.
Bootaaay -- Storm Clouds Rising: This is another story this time around that I think is an interesting concept that I want to read more of, but isnt fulfilled. The notion of a guys life being ruined by a storm that follows him wherever he goes is an interesting one, and youve plenty of room and possibilities to explore with that one, i.e. whether the storm is real or all in his mind, how this came to be, how he knows its trying to kill him, how he managed to lose it up until that point in the morning, etc. Id love to see it fleshed out more.
Alright, my picks after way more deliberation than I would have expected:
1. Nezumi
2. Ashes1396
3. Jack Remington
Honorable Mention: toddhunter
All of this is fantastic and probably should be rolled into the FAQ.
Should also be noted that this will not apply in cases where your work has been self-published. If I were to publish my short stories I would be self-publishing my own works.
toddhunter
Member
Actually I did, especially the Bumblebee section and the ending. Hand your badge back in shame
Actually I did, especially the Bumblebee section and the ending
You know, I thought it was familiar... I should turn in my tattoo, but that shit's permanent, yo.
toddhunter
Member
Feedback time. Quite a diverse bunch this time around. I do find myself being more critical of the longer/more detailed entries. This is perhaps a little unfair.
Anyway:
Aaron - Mountain Rally - Seemed very creative, but it didn't quite gel with the themes for me and rather unhelpfully will say it just wasn't really my thing.
Mike M - Only 2000 Words to Live - The kind of story I enjoy and well written all around. For a few notes, the font change hidden in there was quite distracting so might want to clean that up. I also didn't like the switch at the end. I thought the story didn't need it and could have been served better with perhaps an ironically cliched ending with the established characters. Which is of course, the exact opposite to what I would have done
Ashes1396 - how author met poeta - Some of the voiced/thought sections were a bit hard to make out. However I liked the interplay between the two characters and really got into it. Not sure I would be interested in more, but it fit well into the word limit.
John Dunbar - May Contain Lies - Woody really did pull his life together after he stopped working at the bar.
Gattsu25 - Inconsequential - Nice build up and I actually liked the way it ended. Nice and subtle.
Elfforkusu - Across the Universe - I liked it, but the motivations of the voice seemed a bit strange or out of context and I was waiting for the ending to bring it all together but that didn't quite happen for me.
Tangent - "Interview with My Brother" - Hmm. I like the idea but I thought the first few parahraphs explaining Luigi's motives were not needed. It would have been better to pick those thoughts up from the story context given it wasn't really explored much beyond there.
Copernicus - Proceed with Caution - Passion - Agree with Mike M, was building nicely but the paragraph flow and structure really got in the way of an interesting story.
ZeroRay - Volcano Jones - A good laugh
tirminyl - The Old Man - To be honest, found it very hard to read technically. The idea was good though and the "Finally off my lawn!" line stood out as being something right up my alley. However even that could perhaps have been tweaked to read better.
Cyan - The Journey - Very cool, just the right length and good theme usage. Mike M raises a good point in that I don't really know if it is "good" either, but I enjoyed it, which has to be most of the battle won.
Nezumi - Balancing Act - For some reason a spider getting caught in a web bothered me. If it had survived this long it should have the whole process pretty down pat and could probably just hunt on the ground anyway.... but then I wrote a story about Transformers playing in a band so what can you do? It just didn't click for me for some reason perhaps because I was distracted by details. But I could recognise it was really well written. As an aside, I do kind of hate names like Balduin as I find them hard to naturally read. As you can imagine something like the Wheel of Time series was a hard slog for me.
Jack Remington - Colony - Very well put together. I thought perhaps it was a bit dialogue heavy at the start, and things like Uncle Joe dying could have been explained a bit more. I'm also not quite sure of the ending? The implication seemed to be that the bunker was open and hence the "things" had already infiltrated it? I figured they would at least go in and have a look, after shutting the door behind them. You could continue on nicely from there with the girl being left alone to fend for herself for the month.
ReiGun - Our Hero. - Did a great job of introducing the world and a cast of interesting characters in such a short space. On the other hand this did maybe dilute the story a little and the flow was a little hard to follow. Also wanted the ending to be a bit less predictable, but overall did a nice job.
Bootaaay - Storm Clouds Rising - Formed a nice picture in my head of what was going on, which of course was not what was going on, which was good.
--
1. Mike M
2. Jack Remington
3. Cyan
Hm. Ashes1396, ReiGun, Bootaaay, Gattsu25
Anyway:
Aaron - Mountain Rally - Seemed very creative, but it didn't quite gel with the themes for me and rather unhelpfully will say it just wasn't really my thing.
Mike M - Only 2000 Words to Live - The kind of story I enjoy and well written all around. For a few notes, the font change hidden in there was quite distracting so might want to clean that up. I also didn't like the switch at the end. I thought the story didn't need it and could have been served better with perhaps an ironically cliched ending with the established characters. Which is of course, the exact opposite to what I would have done
Ashes1396 - how author met poeta - Some of the voiced/thought sections were a bit hard to make out. However I liked the interplay between the two characters and really got into it. Not sure I would be interested in more, but it fit well into the word limit.
John Dunbar - May Contain Lies - Woody really did pull his life together after he stopped working at the bar.
Gattsu25 - Inconsequential - Nice build up and I actually liked the way it ended. Nice and subtle.
Elfforkusu - Across the Universe - I liked it, but the motivations of the voice seemed a bit strange or out of context and I was waiting for the ending to bring it all together but that didn't quite happen for me.
Tangent - "Interview with My Brother" - Hmm. I like the idea but I thought the first few parahraphs explaining Luigi's motives were not needed. It would have been better to pick those thoughts up from the story context given it wasn't really explored much beyond there.
Copernicus - Proceed with Caution - Passion - Agree with Mike M, was building nicely but the paragraph flow and structure really got in the way of an interesting story.
ZeroRay - Volcano Jones - A good laugh
tirminyl - The Old Man - To be honest, found it very hard to read technically. The idea was good though and the "Finally off my lawn!" line stood out as being something right up my alley. However even that could perhaps have been tweaked to read better.
Cyan - The Journey - Very cool, just the right length and good theme usage. Mike M raises a good point in that I don't really know if it is "good" either, but I enjoyed it, which has to be most of the battle won.
Nezumi - Balancing Act - For some reason a spider getting caught in a web bothered me. If it had survived this long it should have the whole process pretty down pat and could probably just hunt on the ground anyway.... but then I wrote a story about Transformers playing in a band so what can you do? It just didn't click for me for some reason perhaps because I was distracted by details. But I could recognise it was really well written. As an aside, I do kind of hate names like Balduin as I find them hard to naturally read. As you can imagine something like the Wheel of Time series was a hard slog for me.
Jack Remington - Colony - Very well put together. I thought perhaps it was a bit dialogue heavy at the start, and things like Uncle Joe dying could have been explained a bit more. I'm also not quite sure of the ending? The implication seemed to be that the bunker was open and hence the "things" had already infiltrated it? I figured they would at least go in and have a look, after shutting the door behind them. You could continue on nicely from there with the girl being left alone to fend for herself for the month.
ReiGun - Our Hero. - Did a great job of introducing the world and a cast of interesting characters in such a short space. On the other hand this did maybe dilute the story a little and the flow was a little hard to follow. Also wanted the ending to be a bit less predictable, but overall did a nice job.
Bootaaay - Storm Clouds Rising - Formed a nice picture in my head of what was going on, which of course was not what was going on, which was good.
--
1. Mike M
2. Jack Remington
3. Cyan
Hm. Ashes1396, ReiGun, Bootaaay, Gattsu25
What the shit, how the hell did that happen? Should be fixed now. Weird.
Haha, don't worry, I can understand that.
Funny thing is that I had written chelicera at first but then my editor aka my husband said that it sounded too out of place. About the rest I have to admit that I did not do as much research for the story as maybe I should have done. Thing is I'm arachnophobic as hell and was barely able to read the wikipedia article about spiders due to the pictures
and I wanted it to be somewhat anthropomorphized. Was the first time I tried something like that so I might have overdone it a bit.I had trouble with the wordcount because I actually wanted to include an expalanation about why he can't hunt because off... well reasons
But yeah I can see why this could bother someone. The picture I had in mind was kinda like a master thief who even though he is skilled needs to be cautious about his surrondings. Concerning the name... well to be honest I actually don't like it myself. I hate coming up with names at the best of times and this wasn't one of those. And I agree about Wheel of Time. I still have no idea how I would pronunce half of Jordan's characters. Ok, time for some feedback:
Aaron -- Mountain Rally: The thing that struck me as a little strange was that the dinomen somehow compete in so many different disciplines. I don't know. I think I might have liked it better if there had been one special sport just for the dinomen. Apart from that I thought it was a nice and well executed idea.
Mike M -- Only 2000 Words to Live: The name Verderben made me laugh, probably because I'm German
While reading I thought the whole thing to be a bit too flashy, with flying cars and everything... then I read the ending. Really liked it. It gave me a vibe like Calvin & Hobbes.Ashes1396 -- how author met poeta: All in all I really liked the story. The thing that confused me though, was how I was to imagine the magic. You describe it as common place, because you need a license to fly a broom and you can get it fixed at a garage but then again Poeta is the last witch in Wales which kinda makes it more special. And Author can stop molecules and other stuff but the broom is powered by an engine (it has an exhaust). That irritated me a bit. Loved the whole thing about the names though.
toddhunter -- You’ve Got the Touch: I never watched Transformers so I'm not familar with the characteres at all which means that there isn't really much I can say about this.
John Dunbar -- May Contain Lies: Normally I'm not such a fan of the really short stories. But this one I found really entertaining.
Gattsu25 -- Inconsequential: I thought that the detail in the writing itself was really well done. I just would have wished that just a little more would have happened. Nothing big like the plane actually crashing, but maybe some strange encounter with another passenger or something of that sort.
Elfforkusu -- Across the Universe: So I wasn't really sure what is actually happening in your story. Is he floating through space aproaching the satelite? Why is he invisible? How is he able to hear the computer? I like the gereal idea of how that security system works. A little bit more detail would have been nice though.
Tangent -- Interview With My Brother: Something about this didn't really click with me. Like someone mentioned before it might be due to the fact how you handled the whole being a character in a videogame and a real person at the same time thing. For example you mention the connection between Mario and the boy who played the game, but wouldn't that mean that there most be a lot more Marios. In fact one for every child who played the game? What I liked was the way you adressed the whole dying and being "reborn" again part. I loved the idea of dying and instantly coming back to life feeling like having eaten to much wasabi
Copernicus -- Passion: I think I would have liked it more if the beginning had been shorter and instead you would have written a bit more about what happens after the sex. I feel like your ending is not open but a cliffhanger.
ZeroRay -- Volcano Joe: I have the feeling that you are reffering to something here, that I simply don't know. So I can't really say much about it. The writing itself was really good. Nice eye for detail.
tirminyl -- The Old Man: So is the old man God? Is he the Devil. I liked the part where he sends the young boy packing but I don't quite get the last paragraph and the talk about the clouds. Could have been a bit less mysterious for my taste.
Cyan -- The Journey: I was never big on poetry even back in school I always had trouble interpreting it. The images you evoke are rather beautiful but apart from that there is nothing I can say.
Jack Remington -- Colony: You create the atmosphere of panic and fear really well. I would have wished that at least at the end you'd at least gave a small hint as to what the actual thread is. As it is I was a bit too intrigued.
ReiGun -- Our Hero: For me your story lacked a bit detail. I think what might be the problem is that you introduce a lot of things, different planets, races, a lot of characters and so forth. But because of the word limit you are rather restricted and don't have the time to really describe all of this things in the detail that would be needed.
Bootaaay -- Storm Clouds Rising: Your describtions are beautiful as always and managed to pull me into that little story. Not sure what the storm means for the protagonist though? Is it actually more menacing and a harbinger of some sort. Or does he just don't like getting wet and coming late to work?
So here come the votes. Difficult to choose this time. Is it me or was there even more SciFi than usual this time around.
1.) Mike M - Only 2000 words to live
2.) John Dunbar - May contain lies
3.) Ashes1396 - How Author met Poeta
hm: Bootaaay and Jack Remington
Votes:
1- Cyan
2- Jack Remington
3- tirminyl
Mike M - I wish there wasn't a twist. It's too much the kind of story that leads up to a twist, and without it you could have honed and focused the more interesting parts of the story, and bring them to a satisfying resolution. Because it has great momentum, but crashes straight into thin air.
Ashes1396 - Naturally flowing dialogue is nice, but it needs a starting hook so I can have some investment in what's going on. Feels like I'm reading your notes instead of a fully developed story.
toddhunter - The larger something is, the more likely it'll suffer design flaws. Considering the Death Star just had that one little exhaust port, the Empire were like a billion times more efficient than anything seen on Earth.
John Dunbar - Makes me wonder if livejournal still exists.
Gattsu25 - There's so much more you could have done with this piece, but it doesn't go anywhere special.
Elfforkusu - It's a nice moment, but it goes a little far in philosophy with no real characters to define it. It's just a little plain. It could use some detail.
Tangent - The idea is playful and dark, but it's a bit still. It starts in the same place it ends. It would be nice to have the illusion of progress, mimicking the game series.
Copernicus - It was only at the very end that I understood what was going on. The story needs more meat on its bones.
ZeroRay - While you have some nice details, there's a lot of clarity to the writing for someone plunging to their death.
tirminyl - Try to use is/was/were as little as possible. There's no flavor to them. It's a good story through. I would have liked a little dialogue between Dayne and Reed, but it's good with details and goes someplace interesting by the end.
Cyan - Save it for the poetry slam, hippie. I'm kidding. It's really effective in using mostly visual detail to convey mood. I think it runs a verse too long, but that's a minor quibble. You impart tremendous power to your verbs, not needing a character to carry things forward.
Nezumi - Grammar is a bit confused; missing commas, wrong tenses, incomplete sentences. This is mostly at the beginning. It's an interesting and unique story, but I think you withhold too many details, to the point that the flashback in the middle interrupts the flow of the story.
Jack Remington - You were doing so well until you hit the ending. You probably have a clear idea what happens there, but it's not in what you wrote. It needs more detail.
ReiGun - For something loaded with cool details, I wish it hadn't turned into a Zap episode of Futurama. It would have been more surprising if he really was a brave captain.
Bootaaay - This wall of text would make a decent puzzle in a Myst game.
1- Cyan
2- Jack Remington
3- tirminyl
Mike M - I wish there wasn't a twist. It's too much the kind of story that leads up to a twist, and without it you could have honed and focused the more interesting parts of the story, and bring them to a satisfying resolution. Because it has great momentum, but crashes straight into thin air.
Ashes1396 - Naturally flowing dialogue is nice, but it needs a starting hook so I can have some investment in what's going on. Feels like I'm reading your notes instead of a fully developed story.
toddhunter - The larger something is, the more likely it'll suffer design flaws. Considering the Death Star just had that one little exhaust port, the Empire were like a billion times more efficient than anything seen on Earth.
John Dunbar - Makes me wonder if livejournal still exists.
Gattsu25 - There's so much more you could have done with this piece, but it doesn't go anywhere special.
Elfforkusu - It's a nice moment, but it goes a little far in philosophy with no real characters to define it. It's just a little plain. It could use some detail.
Tangent - The idea is playful and dark, but it's a bit still. It starts in the same place it ends. It would be nice to have the illusion of progress, mimicking the game series.
Copernicus - It was only at the very end that I understood what was going on. The story needs more meat on its bones.
ZeroRay - While you have some nice details, there's a lot of clarity to the writing for someone plunging to their death.
tirminyl - Try to use is/was/were as little as possible. There's no flavor to them. It's a good story through. I would have liked a little dialogue between Dayne and Reed, but it's good with details and goes someplace interesting by the end.
Cyan - Save it for the poetry slam, hippie. I'm kidding. It's really effective in using mostly visual detail to convey mood. I think it runs a verse too long, but that's a minor quibble. You impart tremendous power to your verbs, not needing a character to carry things forward.
Nezumi - Grammar is a bit confused; missing commas, wrong tenses, incomplete sentences. This is mostly at the beginning. It's an interesting and unique story, but I think you withhold too many details, to the point that the flashback in the middle interrupts the flow of the story.
Jack Remington - You were doing so well until you hit the ending. You probably have a clear idea what happens there, but it's not in what you wrote. It needs more detail.
ReiGun - For something loaded with cool details, I wish it hadn't turned into a Zap episode of Futurama. It would have been more surprising if he really was a brave captain.
Bootaaay - This wall of text would make a decent puzzle in a Myst game.
Jack Remington
Banned
A few people have commented that they didn't get my ending. Clearly I failed to create the effect I was going for, so I'll just tell you:
Hint: What could the Mother have been counting at the end?
Hint 2: What did the Father promise?
Anyway, what happened is that:
Let me know if you have any suggestions for how I could have made that ending more clear. Or, if you think I should have ended it differently, I'm open to suggestions.
Hint: What could the Mother have been counting at the end?
Hint 2: What did the Father promise?
Anyway, what happened is that:
The Father was about to kill Jill and the Mother and presumably himself to prevent them from meeting a worse fate.
Let me know if you have any suggestions for how I could have made that ending more clear. Or, if you think I should have ended it differently, I'm open to suggestions.
I can't speak for anyone else but what I think may be throwing people is that it might not be exactly clear that
the open door indicates that the hidden bunker has been compromised by the things unleashed on the colonists to wipe them out.
Or maybe not. I got both aspects without any difficulty.
I dunno, I think it ends better with the unspoken assumption. Plus, it's a first person narrative, it didn't have much more to go until the narrator wouldn't be able to tell the story anyway.
When there's no ambiguity, I see a non-ending like that as a cop-out. I also didn't understand what was going on with the bunker. It's not clear at all, mainly because it's not very clear what 'it' is.
Jack Remington
Banned
Cool, in my next draft I'll try to make it more clear that the bunker was compromised.
I was also toying with the idea of letting Jill survive after her parents die, and ending it with her on her own for the next month until the things break down.
As for what they are, they're the worst thing in the world. In a short story like this, I think (hope) I can get away with leaving them entirely to imagination. In a longer work, I'd have to show them at some point.
I was also toying with the idea of letting Jill survive after her parents die, and ending it with her on her own for the next month until the things break down.
As for what they are, they're the worst thing in the world. In a short story like this, I think (hope) I can get away with leaving them entirely to imagination. In a longer work, I'd have to show them at some point.
I actually got the spoilered part. And in a way you are right that in a short story it is OK to let a few things open. I just had wished to know more just a little bit more about the threat, other than that it is really bad and well threatening. Maybe the scene where Uncle Joe dies would have been a good place for that. The ending can stay just as it is in my opinion.
toddhunter
Member
Having the bunker doors seemingly impossibly ripped off and thrown around the area would have probably done it. Makes them more threatening and explains why they were screwed as the bunker would then be useless.
All details of course, you made me want to write something real next time
Thanks for the feedback. I was writing up to the deadline. Rereading it myself, it could certainly be tightened up but as I continue with future challenges I hope to get better with your feedback. And reading!
The Old Man was a note I had from a larger story I have been playing with. He was once worshipped as a God and humans have called him and others like him Gods. Amongst his people, he is an Architect. I cut out a section where Dayne and Reed meet him again. Reed challenges the old man on his beliefs and the old man tells Reed a story about his family and why he no longer believes while Dayne is able to see the memories replay to the old man. @Aaron, that is where your dialogue between Dayne and Reed lies. I did a count and was over 3k words, so I cut a lot out because I couldn't make it work when I finally knew where I wanted to head with the story.
Procrastination for ya. It was fun though!! With these challenges, I think I want to weave each challenge I do together somehow. Don't know if that will work.
Alrighty, I read through all the entries and here are my thoughts:
Nezumi - Balancing Act: Very cute story. I like how the theme of this challenge is central to the character.
Mike M - Only 2000 Words to Live: I had a Last Action Hero vibe going with the story and actually chuckled when he asked for ice cream. I like the change at the end with the characters being toys and the story is the imagination of a child. Very fun.
Aaron - Mountain Rally: Nice story. The ending left it up in the air as to the outcome of the story. As much as I hope it is a good ending, I am left with dred and the expectation of it turning out bad for the characters.
Ashes - How author met poeta: Love the names of your characters and their interaction with eachother. It was initially confusing to read through until I took in the secondary subjective in mind and it made sense. Some of the transitions into dialog was lost to me but otherwise I enjoyed it.
Toddhunter - You've got the touch: I blame you for putting that song in my head! Three unlikely robots meet by fate although I was not expecting a rock band to form.
John Dunbar - May Contain Lies: This made me laugh. Naive to believe the words of a fictional character in a movie and to believe the newfound lie is what landed the actor in prison. Does he believe that identity theft is included else he would call Wesley by the character name Sidney. All that can replay in my head is the sound of shattered glass when he came to the realization that white men CAN jump.
Gattsu25 - Inconsequential: With Rob being so afraid of flying that he is telling everyone he encounters about it, it seems a little easy that he just falls asleep before the plane takes off. Especially given the little disasters before his flight. That would have made me even more fearful or just apprehensive about flying. I was hoping to see how the Rob handled the flight and maybe continued the disasters on the plane as he tried to calm himself with alcohol or other medication only to make matters worse for himself.
Elfforkusu - Across the Universe: What had the intruder done to cause the computer to torment him? Maybe a little more explaination as to why he was there or the start of his journey in breaking in?
Tangent - Interview with my brother: What Lougi thought was glory and fame was pain and suffering for Mario. Maybe Louigi did have it better in the end. The grass isn't always greener on the other side right? I also got a Torchwood vibe with how everyone thought Jack's immortality was amazing but never thought about how painful it was for him to die all the time and how he felt on the other side. I liked it. I wanted a little more to the ending but overall thought it was good.
Copernicus - Passion: Some of the structure with several one line sentences threw me a little bit but I liked the flow of the story. I would have liked to see some of the fall out and like Mike M mentioned, I would have liked to see a bit more of Jay's intentions early on.
ZeroRay - Volcano Jones: As others have mentioned, if feels like I am missing something. I like the detail and imagery.
Tirminyl - The Old Man: I literally cried reading your story. It forever changed my life and how I view others. Thank you for this masterpiece in literature. /jk
Cyan - The Journey: I found it refreshing. I imagined a knight climbing a tower to rescue a princess. The protagonist of your journey heeds caution with each step and with strangers he/she meets as they are enroute to their destination. Coincidently, this is a stranger to them yet they embrace that stranger and no longer take caution. Maybe they should have taken caution?
Jack Remington - Colony: Dawww. I was really engrossed with this. I had music playing low in the background and I jumped when my phone beeped loudly. The atmoshpere you created was great. What was in the cannisters? I demand that you finish the story and explain everything.
Reigun - Our Hero: You introduced a lot within the story. I enjoyed it. The hero not quit being the hero she expected. I did want it to take little more of a hit on her since she has idealized him for years.
Bootaaay - Storm Clouds Rising: A little difficult to read as there was no break in paragraph or to indicate the start of dialog from narrator.Was this guy just paranoid to think that a storm was trolling him?
1.Jack Remington - Colony
2.Nezumi - Balancing Act
3. Mike M - Only 2000 Words to Live
HM= Cyan - The Journey, Ashes - How author met poeta
Elfforkusu
Member
Thanks for the critiques, people. Though yes, it was heavy on the philosophy because that was the centerpiece of the story. Will probably end up folding it into a larger narrative, but for now I just needed to write something.
I had my rankings all sorted out and everything, but then "You're go for Action" happened. Amazing. 10/10, perfect score, we're done here. :lol
1) Mike M
2) Tangent
3) Cyan
Hm.) Jack Remington (I thought it ended at exactly the right place, tbh)
Hm.) John Dunbar (purely for how hard I laughed at it.)
I should add, I don't know what ashes' password is so I didn't read that story. ¯\_(ツ_/¯
I had my rankings all sorted out and everything, but then "You're go for Action" happened. Amazing. 10/10, perfect score, we're done here. :lol
The story probably could deal with another editing pass or two for concision, but the one liners carry the day anyway.
1) Mike M
2) Tangent
3) Cyan
Hm.) Jack Remington (I thought it ended at exactly the right place, tbh)
Hm.) John Dunbar (purely for how hard I laughed at it.)
I should add, I don't know what ashes' password is so I didn't read that story. ¯\_(ツ
_/¯I think Ashes' is one you have to quote to view. It's about three letters shorter than the other most commonly used password ; )I should add, I don't know what ashes' password is so I didn't read that story. ¯_(ツ
Seriously though, go read it. I feel dirty being named first if everyone didn't get read.
EDIT: Oh wait, it's not there after all.
Well then quote this post to view.
Thanks everyone for the feedback. Yeah, I kinda realized halfway through I was writing Zap from Futurama. Hit me like a ton of bricks, but I didn't want to change it. lol
Now, some feedback:
Aaron - A very interesting concept. I like the world you built here, and would have loved more detail about it, - though I understand there is only so much you can do with the word limit.
Mike M - Maybe it's just because I'm a fan of crazy superhero adventures, but I was really into the story even before I got to the ending. That said, the ending really brought it all together and much more memorable.
Ashes1396 - I had some trouble reading the story during the dialouge, particularly the telepathy bits. Perhaps you could denote telepathic communication in some way? I enjoyed the characters and their back and forth. Especially the bits about Author's name.
toddhunter - Thankfully, I know just enough about Transformers to appreciate what you did here. I liked that you use Unicron, but I couldn't help but wonder exactly how he would fit in a bar or play in a band. lol
John Dunbar - Very amusing. Reminded me of myself as a kid. I like that the narrator considers his gullibility a strength.
Gattsu25 - I like that there was all this build for Rob getting on the plane, only for him to ultimately fall asleep before it even takes off. The build up was well handled too, as he struggles to find some comfort and nothing helps. Forty minutes seems like a lot of time before take off for him to be rushing so recklessly to the bathroom.
Elfforkusu - I was curious what the voice wanted. What was its purpose on the ship, exactly? I figured that it was trying to stop the intruder, but upon re-reading, I am not entirely sure.
Tangent - It's a concept that's been played with using these characters forever - Luigi as this jealous sidekick - but in the case of this story, I appreciated that you added Mario's own resentment of his other job. I did want a bit more detail on exactly how Mario's going into the game worked.
Copernicus - The flow got in the way for me. Especially the ending, which I felt needed more buildup. Particularly, Jay's involvement.
ZeroRay - There was some really strong imagery here and I almost missed that it was a volcano. Almost. The ending got a chuckle.
tirminyl - By the end, I was imagining your main character as either God, Thor or Zeus. I flip-flopped between the three. Anyway, the writing and use of language made the story hard to follow at times, but at the same token, it is the best part. I think a little tweaking for clarity would help.
Cyan - This might be my favorite usage of the theme. The images are very vivid and cool.
Nezumi - I'm not exactly sure how a spider gets caught in a web, but then, I don't know much about spiders. lol
Jack Remington - I wish the ending was a little less predictable. I appreciate that it worked with this incredibly hopeless situation you built, but I wanted a little more than what happened.
Bootaaay - I really like how you used language to make this normal situation larger than life. I want to say you could have had the storm do more to ruin the guys life, but I also worry about piling too much onto the guy when the situation at present already gets the point across so well.
Voting!
1. Mike M
2. Nezumi
3. tirminyl
Hm. toddhunter, John Dunbar, Ashes1396
Now, some feedback:
Aaron - A very interesting concept. I like the world you built here, and would have loved more detail about it, - though I understand there is only so much you can do with the word limit.
Mike M - Maybe it's just because I'm a fan of crazy superhero adventures, but I was really into the story even before I got to the ending. That said, the ending really brought it all together and much more memorable.
Ashes1396 - I had some trouble reading the story during the dialouge, particularly the telepathy bits. Perhaps you could denote telepathic communication in some way? I enjoyed the characters and their back and forth. Especially the bits about Author's name.
toddhunter - Thankfully, I know just enough about Transformers to appreciate what you did here. I liked that you use Unicron, but I couldn't help but wonder exactly how he would fit in a bar or play in a band. lol
John Dunbar - Very amusing. Reminded me of myself as a kid. I like that the narrator considers his gullibility a strength.
Gattsu25 - I like that there was all this build for Rob getting on the plane, only for him to ultimately fall asleep before it even takes off. The build up was well handled too, as he struggles to find some comfort and nothing helps. Forty minutes seems like a lot of time before take off for him to be rushing so recklessly to the bathroom.
Elfforkusu - I was curious what the voice wanted. What was its purpose on the ship, exactly? I figured that it was trying to stop the intruder, but upon re-reading, I am not entirely sure.
Tangent - It's a concept that's been played with using these characters forever - Luigi as this jealous sidekick - but in the case of this story, I appreciated that you added Mario's own resentment of his other job. I did want a bit more detail on exactly how Mario's going into the game worked.
Copernicus - The flow got in the way for me. Especially the ending, which I felt needed more buildup. Particularly, Jay's involvement.
ZeroRay - There was some really strong imagery here and I almost missed that it was a volcano. Almost. The ending got a chuckle.
tirminyl - By the end, I was imagining your main character as either God, Thor or Zeus. I flip-flopped between the three. Anyway, the writing and use of language made the story hard to follow at times, but at the same token, it is the best part. I think a little tweaking for clarity would help.
Cyan - This might be my favorite usage of the theme. The images are very vivid and cool.
Nezumi - I'm not exactly sure how a spider gets caught in a web, but then, I don't know much about spiders. lol
Jack Remington - I wish the ending was a little less predictable. I appreciate that it worked with this incredibly hopeless situation you built, but I wanted a little more than what happened.
Bootaaay - I really like how you used language to make this normal situation larger than life. I want to say you could have had the storm do more to ruin the guys life, but I also worry about piling too much onto the guy when the situation at present already gets the point across so well.
Voting!
1. Mike M
2. Nezumi
3. tirminyl
Hm. toddhunter, John Dunbar, Ashes1396
Jack Remington
Banned
I read all the stories, but I have a big assignment due tomorrow, so I'll only post half of my critiques tonight.
Aaron - I really liked the premise. This was really original. We got to know the characters really well, and your descriptions were great.
Mike M - This whole story was great. It was exceptionally well-written, funny, and with lots of nods to classic series.
toddhunter - This was pretty hilarious. I loved each of the individual descriptions, but I lost it when they started a rock band. Great stuff.
John Dunbar - I could really feel the main character's frustration.
Gattsu25 - I really thought this story was going to go somewhere. You had a great beginning, but it felt like you ran out of time and just ended it early. I would like to see a fleshed out version of this story. As it was, it was pretty funny.
Elfforkusu - I liked this a lot. The ending was really great. The computer's dialogue was a bit over the top, but it was still fun to read. I also wanted this to be longer, but it works as it is.[/b]
Tangent - This was great, but I couldn't help but feel that it could have been amazing with another draft. I'd like to feel Mario's pain more. Maybe let him describe what it's like to be boiled in lava, to drown, freeze to death, etc. Perhaps a little more about Peach's lack of emotions. More about Bowser. More everything. The ending was too abrupt. But again, I loved it.
The rest of the critiques will come tomorrow.
1) Mike M
2) Tangent
3) Aaron
Aaron - I really liked the premise. This was really original. We got to know the characters really well, and your descriptions were great.
Mike M - This whole story was great. It was exceptionally well-written, funny, and with lots of nods to classic series.
toddhunter - This was pretty hilarious. I loved each of the individual descriptions, but I lost it when they started a rock band. Great stuff.
John Dunbar - I could really feel the main character's frustration.
Gattsu25 - I really thought this story was going to go somewhere. You had a great beginning, but it felt like you ran out of time and just ended it early. I would like to see a fleshed out version of this story. As it was, it was pretty funny.
Elfforkusu - I liked this a lot. The ending was really great. The computer's dialogue was a bit over the top, but it was still fun to read. I also wanted this to be longer, but it works as it is.[/b]
Tangent - This was great, but I couldn't help but feel that it could have been amazing with another draft. I'd like to feel Mario's pain more. Maybe let him describe what it's like to be boiled in lava, to drown, freeze to death, etc. Perhaps a little more about Peach's lack of emotions. More about Bowser. More everything. The ending was too abrupt. But again, I loved it.
The rest of the critiques will come tomorrow.
1) Mike M
2) Tangent
3) Aaron
Aaron - "Mountain Rally" - Love the decision to end where you did, and as you did. Had some trouble getting into the swing of the story at the start; somehow the first few paragraphs didn't quite work to set the scen for me. There's also a bit of a jar later on when dinomen are introduced--I think it would've been easier as a reader if they were introduced at the start, maybe when the litter is mentioned. Also, why does he skip breakfast after we're told in no uncertain terms that it's the most important thing for him?
Mike M - "Only 2000 Words to Live" - Love the whimsy and sense of fun in this one. I laughed at the "go for action" line. And it's all so over the top that you can't help but enjoy it. Somehow, for me, the ending revelation that it was all a child's game kind of took away from it. I don't know why; I guess it's just that I was having more fun before it was explained and tied down to the real world.
Ashes1396 - "how author met poeta" - Sweet and smoothly written. It's got a quality of honesty to it, as always seems to be the case when you write about relationships. I'm jealous. I wasn't totally sold on the mind-reading thing, I dunno. And the last line felt a bit fairy-tale, where the rest really hadn't.
toddhunter - "You've Got the Touch" - Space bridges! At last! I was hoping we'd see these. Ok, so at first I was confused by this, but then I busted up laughing when they formed the rock band. Not sure what else to tell you here, but the concept was fun and it was all well-executed.
John Dunbar - "May Contain Lies" - Great first line. Great last line. Actually, great stuff all around. I guess my only complaint is it didn't really go anywhere, but then it wasn't really meant to.
Mike M - "Only 2000 Words to Live" - Love the whimsy and sense of fun in this one. I laughed at the "go for action" line. And it's all so over the top that you can't help but enjoy it. Somehow, for me, the ending revelation that it was all a child's game kind of took away from it. I don't know why; I guess it's just that I was having more fun before it was explained and tied down to the real world.
Ashes1396 - "how author met poeta" - Sweet and smoothly written. It's got a quality of honesty to it, as always seems to be the case when you write about relationships. I'm jealous.
I wasn't totally sold on the mind-reading thing, I dunno. And the last line felt a bit fairy-tale, where the rest really hadn't.toddhunter - "You've Got the Touch" - Space bridges! At last! I was hoping we'd see these. Ok, so at first I was confused by this, but then I busted up laughing when they formed the rock band. Not sure what else to tell you here, but the concept was fun and it was all well-executed.
John Dunbar - "May Contain Lies" - Great first line. Great last line. Actually, great stuff all around. I guess my only complaint is it didn't really go anywhere, but then it wasn't really meant to.
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