Milk is intentionally female since I kind of imagined her as a mother figure to the rest. She tries to break up the fights and is constantly worried. Yeah, and since I had already planned the Red Bull part I had trouble finding something for coke and it ended up being just kind of arrogant.
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #115 - "Boxed In"
- Thread starter Tangent
- Start date
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Milk is intentionally female since I kind of imagined her as a mother figure to the rest. She tries to break up the fights and is constantly worried. Yeah, and since I had already planned the Red Bull part I had trouble finding something for coke and it ended up being just kind of arrogant.
It's a bit shutting the barn door after the horse has run out, but since Coke is #1, maybe some chronic overachiever? Which I guess isn't far removed from being arrogant anyway... Guess that's not very helpful...
Two more stories to red and then onto the tough decisions of constructing a top three. A lot of different stories this time, which is making it hard to choose a favourite.
Will try to give feedback, which any author deserves, but that might have to come in a day or two if this evening runs out of hours.
Will try to give feedback, which any author deserves, but that might have to come in a day or two if this evening runs out of hours.
Nonsense. I consider every bit if feedback valuable. This is just another reminder for me that for the next challenge I'm definitely in on the whole exchanging opinions beforehand thing.
I just have a "scratch pad" that I write as I read as they're submitted. I would never have the time to read everything and write feedback in one go : )
I read the early submissions as they came in but I struggle with the last-minute deluge. Would rather space them out but at last the quality is good enough to make all this reading worthwhile.
The pad idea is a good way to go though. Been trying to decide whether to read a story and then write feedback so I don't interrupt the reading or to make notes as I go.
toddhunter
Member
I don't feel like I'm in a position to offer much feedback to the writers here. If anyone is interested in my thoughts please let me know.
1. Hoi-Polloi
2. Refreshments
3. The thaw
Hm. Room 84 for providing inspiration
1. Hoi-Polloi
2. Refreshments
3. The thaw
Hm. Room 84 for providing inspiration
Steriletom - The World Turned Upside Down: First story I read, and what a way to kick things off. America vs The World is a fascinating concept, and a scary thought. World wins, we'd lose a fantastic country. America wins and that's all there is left. You told the story of the war well, and although it was a brief recap I really bought into the history and how it unravelled.
Aaron - Burned in a Box: You successfully created an unsettling world with characters I found despicable due to their primary goals and ethics of war, violence and destruction. For some reason I kept losing the plot, not following the gravitas of the China-Russia war and the involvement of the magician. The plot seemed like a well-written B movie, which is either on the nose or an insult. I hope it's not the latter because it wasn't intended to be.
CoffeeExpress - Hoi-Polloi: You got your point across very well, I really felt the tedium of the character's working life. The story did feel like too much of a rant and too little plot, but you nailed the 'boxed in' theme.
toddhunter - Just a Box: Either I'm really stupid or you're really smart or somewhere in the middle, because keeping up with that was an absolute mindfuck.
SquiddyBiscuit - For Thou Is But One: Brief but beautifully written. You're probably far too literate and literary to require feedback from me. Just felt a bit of a shame that such a talented writer didn't submit something a bit lengthier and more involving.
Cyan - The Chinese Room: I like these sort of stories, be they literature or games or film/TV. All-out mystery, with no explanation, no firm rooting in a fantasy or real world. Is it sinister? Helpful? Who knows. Unfortunately I felt the mundane routine the character went through daily dominated the plot so much that it was a trudge to read. Interesting, but not enjoyable. And yet I felt it was well written, clever and made me think.
Bootaaay - The Thaw: I think you were in my top three last month and you've impressed me again. I instantly bought into the feud, although I felt it could have been fleshed out a little more as to how and why the land changed hands. Maybe some clarity as to why Agamer was so reviled. But I liked that he did the right thing and was disappointed when he found Tevan's family perished, and I hated them for their bitterness. So I guess I invested emotions in it. And I really, really felt the cold you described.
Tangent - Laughing at What You Can: Maybe it's ignorance on my part but some of the cultural aspects such as the cuisine went over my head, but I liked the insight into the family. I think the characters could have been more fleshed out because I saw snippets of traits and relationships but didn't get absorbed by them. You have a nice writing style though.
Mike M - The Living Situation: Did I read somewhere here that this was non-fiction, autobiographical? Wow, what a scenario. As a father I felt heartbroken reading about the kid. The prompt was well explored and as someone who likes my space and my own home I really understood it.
Nezumi - Refreshments: Your writing style is really fun and bouncy. It makes me smile. Can I ask - and be honest - was this a holdover from the last challenge? Because there seemed to be great debate and absurdity, and certainly seemed to apply more to those themes than 'boxed in'.
Sober - Just a Small Town Girl: Without being condescending I saw a lot of evidence of inexperienced writing, such as fluctuating pace and some poor sentence structure, but I liked the plot. It resonated with me because I went to university to escape my little seaside resort corner of the world and it really opened my eyes. Writing just needs to be a little tighter and more controlled but it was a good story.
Ashes - the lows you cast are nowhere near: Disclaimer, and an apology; I know nothing about poetry. It doesn't strike me, never has. I'll never be able to respond to poetry appropriately. I barely know what is or isn't good poetry, though this seems to be.
1. Steriletom - Addressed prompt well and story was dramatic.
2. Sober - Not the best-written story but I identified with the good plot.
3. Bootaay - Unapologetically depressing, little to actually cheer her, but that cold and unforgiving world and the struggles of the characters was probably the best delivery of this batch of contributions.
HMs: (genuinely could have been on the podium, had to think long and hard) Cyan, Mike M
Aaron - Burned in a Box: You successfully created an unsettling world with characters I found despicable due to their primary goals and ethics of war, violence and destruction. For some reason I kept losing the plot, not following the gravitas of the China-Russia war and the involvement of the magician. The plot seemed like a well-written B movie, which is either on the nose or an insult. I hope it's not the latter because it wasn't intended to be.
CoffeeExpress - Hoi-Polloi: You got your point across very well, I really felt the tedium of the character's working life. The story did feel like too much of a rant and too little plot, but you nailed the 'boxed in' theme.
toddhunter - Just a Box: Either I'm really stupid or you're really smart or somewhere in the middle, because keeping up with that was an absolute mindfuck.
SquiddyBiscuit - For Thou Is But One: Brief but beautifully written. You're probably far too literate and literary to require feedback from me. Just felt a bit of a shame that such a talented writer didn't submit something a bit lengthier and more involving.
Cyan - The Chinese Room: I like these sort of stories, be they literature or games or film/TV. All-out mystery, with no explanation, no firm rooting in a fantasy or real world. Is it sinister? Helpful? Who knows. Unfortunately I felt the mundane routine the character went through daily dominated the plot so much that it was a trudge to read. Interesting, but not enjoyable. And yet I felt it was well written, clever and made me think.
Bootaaay - The Thaw: I think you were in my top three last month and you've impressed me again. I instantly bought into the feud, although I felt it could have been fleshed out a little more as to how and why the land changed hands. Maybe some clarity as to why Agamer was so reviled. But I liked that he did the right thing and was disappointed when he found Tevan's family perished, and I hated them for their bitterness. So I guess I invested emotions in it. And I really, really felt the cold you described.
Tangent - Laughing at What You Can: Maybe it's ignorance on my part but some of the cultural aspects such as the cuisine went over my head, but I liked the insight into the family. I think the characters could have been more fleshed out because I saw snippets of traits and relationships but didn't get absorbed by them. You have a nice writing style though.
Mike M - The Living Situation: Did I read somewhere here that this was non-fiction, autobiographical? Wow, what a scenario. As a father I felt heartbroken reading about the kid. The prompt was well explored and as someone who likes my space and my own home I really understood it.
Nezumi - Refreshments: Your writing style is really fun and bouncy. It makes me smile. Can I ask - and be honest - was this a holdover from the last challenge? Because there seemed to be great debate and absurdity, and certainly seemed to apply more to those themes than 'boxed in'.
Sober - Just a Small Town Girl: Without being condescending I saw a lot of evidence of inexperienced writing, such as fluctuating pace and some poor sentence structure, but I liked the plot. It resonated with me because I went to university to escape my little seaside resort corner of the world and it really opened my eyes. Writing just needs to be a little tighter and more controlled but it was a good story.
Ashes - the lows you cast are nowhere near: Disclaimer, and an apology; I know nothing about poetry. It doesn't strike me, never has. I'll never be able to respond to poetry appropriately. I barely know what is or isn't good poetry, though this seems to be.
1. Steriletom - Addressed prompt well and story was dramatic.
2. Sober - Not the best-written story but I identified with the good plot.
3. Bootaay - Unapologetically depressing, little to actually cheer her, but that cold and unforgiving world and the struggles of the characters was probably the best delivery of this batch of contributions.
HMs: (genuinely could have been on the podium, had to think long and hard) Cyan, Mike M
toddhunter
Member
Ok a few thoughts:
Rafy - "Room 84" - Was there a couple of game references in here or am I picking up things incorrectly? What I was thinking as I went through it was that it was somebody who had gone to bed too quickly after a gaming session and was now "playing" the game in their head. But then at the end I got the impression this wasn't the case at all so I was a bit conflicted about how it lived up to what I "wanted" it to be. Perhaps a bit unfair in the judging but that is the way it goes
Like my stories, it would probably benefit from a bit more description of the surroundings. It slows the flow down a little (and I like that style) but is probably ultimately worth it.
Mike M - "The Living Situation" - Well written and all that, you know I like your stuff based on previous weeks. However I found this story very hard to relate too. Not because of the scenario as such, as I have some experience with a lot of the issues you raised. Perhaps I got too distracted in the reading towards practical solutions and possible cultural/locational differences based on where I live to where you are. To expand the feedback a little more laterally, I would have preferred the story to be told more in the style of Cyan's work as a more abstract way of exploring the concept (there are some similarities). But that is more just personal preference towards my own enjoyment.
SquiddyBiscuit - "For thou is but one" - Is Eywirian Birch a real thing? How do you pronounce that one? Was hoping for something longer but felt like a good intro to me.
CoffeeExpress - "Hoi-Polloi" - I really enjoyed it, perhaps because I was in an angry mood when I read it. Could have been a Meredith Brooks song or something
Anyway it was different in tone to the rest and stood out for me, well done.Bootaaay - "The Thaw" - Very good, delivered a lot of punch in a short space. Could certainly expand on the story and world you built up and the theme fit really well.
Nezumi - "Refreshments" - I can't write the crap I tend to write without appreciating what you did here
Perhaps it helped to read this right after CoffeeExpress' work as a bit of a palette cleanser.Cyan - "The Chinese Room" - Was extremely well executed. Had I commissioned that work as I believe you intended I would have been more than happy with what you put out and think it would hold up against any writer. However I was left wanting a bit more "show bizz flash" either towards the end or perhaps just at the beginning to elevate it. As somebody mentioned before, the motivations of the person in the room were explored, but not really given any outside context. Whilst this is most likely right and proper given what you were doing (and I did wikipediaer up the whole thing), it didn't help me actually enjoy the story.
Rest were very good, I just don't have anything interesting or insightful to say
votes:
1- Tangent
2- Nezumi
3- GRW810
Steriletom - It's a strong premise, but the more interesting thing is where this would all end up. It also needs more detail to the characters.
CoffeeExpress - While it's solid, it's been done too many times before. It's also like watching the first fifteen minutes of Office Space and shutting it off. It establishes but it doesn't go anywhere.
toddhunter - For the style you're going for, I really think you need to be building up layers of interesting details to hint at the mystery, and increase the temptation, but instead it feels more like repeating. You should postulate what's in the box. You should tease.
GRW810 - I think the story should have started from Linda's POV, and been more built into the scenes. The start feels too much like 'here's the stuff you need to know before the actual story begins.' The story gets much better once you get rolling.
Cyan - I wish you had started with the tasks, and used those starting details to add more color to the person going through the tasks. Without any hint of concrete reasons behind the tasks, I feel like it's a mystery without a solution. There's no enough for me to speculate on.
Bootaaay - You give the whole thing away with 'wasn't uncommon for death.' Deflates the tension you had building, though these stories tend to end that way, and cop out of having the real confrontation. I'm a little disappointed there's no fire of fierce arguments and blows exchanged.
Tangent - Instead of the footnotes, you could have conveyed the meaning in the story, like saying 'my aunt said to her brother sternly' and such. Otherwise, it's a very rich slice of life story that wraps the two main threads neatly in the end.
Mike M - Feels more like you're talking about the story instead of having it be the story. Like the difference of someone telling you about a thing that happened to them, instead of the experience of that thing. So it's not as effective as it could be.
Nezumi - This is cute, and it's very good at conveying the personalities of the different beverages. It even brings in a hint of conflict and a nice resolution.
Sober - So is this not finished? Well written, but a little too typical slice of life. I was waiting for it to go somewhere new, and it just ended.
Ashes1396 - Someone sure had a terrible night.
1- Tangent
2- Nezumi
3- GRW810
Steriletom - It's a strong premise, but the more interesting thing is where this would all end up. It also needs more detail to the characters.
CoffeeExpress - While it's solid, it's been done too many times before. It's also like watching the first fifteen minutes of Office Space and shutting it off. It establishes but it doesn't go anywhere.
toddhunter - For the style you're going for, I really think you need to be building up layers of interesting details to hint at the mystery, and increase the temptation, but instead it feels more like repeating. You should postulate what's in the box. You should tease.
GRW810 - I think the story should have started from Linda's POV, and been more built into the scenes. The start feels too much like 'here's the stuff you need to know before the actual story begins.' The story gets much better once you get rolling.
Cyan - I wish you had started with the tasks, and used those starting details to add more color to the person going through the tasks. Without any hint of concrete reasons behind the tasks, I feel like it's a mystery without a solution. There's no enough for me to speculate on.
Bootaaay - You give the whole thing away with 'wasn't uncommon for death.' Deflates the tension you had building, though these stories tend to end that way, and cop out of having the real confrontation. I'm a little disappointed there's no fire of fierce arguments and blows exchanged.
Tangent - Instead of the footnotes, you could have conveyed the meaning in the story, like saying 'my aunt said to her brother sternly' and such. Otherwise, it's a very rich slice of life story that wraps the two main threads neatly in the end.
Mike M - Feels more like you're talking about the story instead of having it be the story. Like the difference of someone telling you about a thing that happened to them, instead of the experience of that thing. So it's not as effective as it could be.
Nezumi - This is cute, and it's very good at conveying the personalities of the different beverages. It even brings in a hint of conflict and a nice resolution.
Sober - So is this not finished? Well written, but a little too typical slice of life. I was waiting for it to go somewhere new, and it just ended.
Ashes1396 - Someone sure had a terrible night.
Votes:
1. Mike M
2. GRW810
3. Nezumi
1. Mike M
2. GRW810
3. Nezumi
... And similar comments. I only realized it yesterday that I intended to write it so it stood on its own but in my head I already had it down because this entry was working off a piece I was going write for my NaNo novel. It was actually supposed to be a flashback to contrast the situation she was in at the point in her present that I was writing but I forgot all that implied information or what I had written earlier in my novel should've somewhat pierced into this story. So it's like I was writing it standalone then halfway started trying to adapt it back into my NaNo novel without noticing (even though I have to change the tone and style completely from how I wrote this entry). I probably should've ended the story with her leaving in the middle of the night, which is what I already wrote during NaNo, but it felt like I was repeating myself without thinking about the entry having to stand alone.
Yeah, probably not.
Well, I'd actually be quiet amused to see how you perceive my dialog style.
Great stories, not gonna give full crits cuz I'm feverish and out of it.
Votes:
1. GRW810 -- Maybe I'm being overly dramatic cuz I'm sick, but this is one of the best short stories I've ever read. It was so fun to read really fast, it added to the suspense and realism of it all. You should totally publish this and make some sort of silent 2-min short before some eerie Pixar movie.
2. Cyan -- I could see the build up, but still loved this. What a fun way to explore a classic thought experiment. Maybe you could have made the build up a little shorter, but at the same time, it added to the anticipation and helped create character.
3. Ashes -- I'm not very good at critiquing poetry (I guess I should work on that) but this was a beautiful read.
HM: MikeM, ToddHunter, Nezumi.
I'm gonna say this early so as to avoid saying this late: Happy Birthday Cyan!
British Monsoon
Member
1. Tangent - something about this really resonated with me, reminding me of when my Grandfather was terminally ill, and I thought that you dealt with the subject matter well. You have a familiar tone to your writing that I find oddly enchanting, no matter the story, and it's no different here.
2. GRW810 - a very well executed piece, I very much liked the character of Fabrice and the way you brought his situation to life. I love the bittersweet tone of the mime ultimately being killed by his craft.
3. Mike M - an excellent portrait of what sounds like a very difficult situation. I liked the stark description of Thomas' ailments and the obstacles faced by himself and those that care for him, and that it didn't ever feel like you were making excuses for a perfectly understandable mindset.
HM; Nezumi, Cyan, Sober
2. GRW810 - a very well executed piece, I very much liked the character of Fabrice and the way you brought his situation to life. I love the bittersweet tone of the mime ultimately being killed by his craft.
3. Mike M - an excellent portrait of what sounds like a very difficult situation. I liked the stark description of Thomas' ailments and the obstacles faced by himself and those that care for him, and that it didn't ever feel like you were making excuses for a perfectly understandable mindset.
HM; Nezumi, Cyan, Sober
haha. Funny enough I did totally not think about last challenge when I wrote that. I can see why you might think that though. The thing is that I love writing dialogue and I love writting a little bit absurd stuff, so I guess that a lot of my stories could fit the criterias of last challenge
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Not going to vote cause I've only managed to read through half of the entries.
Really liked Cyan's Chinese Box story, and GRW810 & Nezumi's.
Really liked Cyan's Chinese Box story, and GRW810 & Nezumi's.
Wait.
Wait one goddamned minute.
Your username is SquiddyBiscuit? This whole time I've been calling you SquiddlyBiscuit. Awwwww, I've been making an idiot of myself : (
Results:
1.) GRW810 - 20 points
2.) Bootaaay - 11 points
3.) Cyan - 7
Congrats GRW810!
SquiddyCracker
Banned
I thought you were making fun of my username
Wow, thanks everyone! Glad you enjoyed the story. Really appreciate the votes.
So what happens now, I post the new thread? Today? Is there a template or anything?
Trying to think of a good theme and secondary invective, having a scan through the past ones for inspiration but to avoid repeating any.
EDIT: Good point Nezumi, I can't post new threads yet. I'll send Cyan a message.
So what happens now, I post the new thread? Today? Is there a template or anything?
Trying to think of a good theme and secondary invective, having a scan through the past ones for inspiration but to avoid repeating any.
EDIT: Good point Nezumi, I can't post new threads yet. I'll send Cyan a message.
toddhunter
Member
Nice work GRW810
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Congratulations!
Time for a new thread, y'all! http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=523221
Get to it, SquiddlyBiscuit!
Get to it, SquiddlyBiscuit!
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