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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #117 - "In the Shadows"
- Thread starter Cyan
- Start date
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SquiddyCrisp!
SquiddyCracker
Banned
My votes:
1. Mike M - Had to do a second read, but it was really good
2. John Dunbar
3. Tangent - Loved the haiku dialogue!
Would have loved to give some feedback considering how few entered this week (and the extended deadline) but I'll get on track hopefully in a couple of weeks time.
1. Mike M - Had to do a second read, but it was really good
2. John Dunbar
3. Tangent - Loved the haiku dialogue!
Would have loved to give some feedback considering how few entered this week (and the extended deadline) but I'll get on track hopefully in a couple of weeks time.
John Dunbar
correct about everything
Mike M: Excellent presentation and I like the idea of a gremlin working at a factory. That being said, and while it was a pretty good one, it sort of feels like the twist was all it was. Having a punchline can be good, but in this case it really only serves to undercut the strength of a premise that could have supported a great story. But as you said, writing a story like that would require a lot of expertise or research, so I can see why you didn't do it and this was a good substitute. It's still brontosaurus to me dammit.
SquiddyBiscuit/Cracker: The best thing about the story was the mythology. I don't know did you make it all up or is it based on something, but that sounds like the sort of nonsense some people (or aliens) might believe in. The story itself worked well enough, but somehow it felt like a bit of a letdown after an intriguing start. I think you could do something more interesting with the world.
Ashes1396: I think the biggest problem with this entry was the need to add scenes outside the forum posts, and since the non-forum scenes are so few and short they just give the impression you weren't confident enough with your story to go full epistolary. As others have mentioned, having the usernames in bold would have improved readability.
Tangent: Like Mike M, I had no idea what the sand monster is, which made that part stand out negatively for me because I started to think about it too much without coming up with an answer. I accept it's also possible it just flew over my head. Excluding that, it was a charming story and I liked what you did with the dialogue. I expected the rock's thoughts on what it would feel like to fly to play a bigger role, in a dreamer sort of way. It does work as foreshadowing though, since the rock did fly, albeit briefly.
Cyan: Sets the word count at 3,000, writes a hundred. What a rascal you are. But despite the short entry, I could see you do something with it. Perhaps flesh it out for a later challenge if the inspiration ever strikes, because I think you got something there.
SquiddyBiscuit/Cracker: The best thing about the story was the mythology. I don't know did you make it all up or is it based on something, but that sounds like the sort of nonsense some people (or aliens) might believe in. The story itself worked well enough, but somehow it felt like a bit of a letdown after an intriguing start. I think you could do something more interesting with the world.
Ashes1396: I think the biggest problem with this entry was the need to add scenes outside the forum posts, and since the non-forum scenes are so few and short they just give the impression you weren't confident enough with your story to go full epistolary. As others have mentioned, having the usernames in bold would have improved readability.
Tangent: Like Mike M, I had no idea what the sand monster is, which made that part stand out negatively for me because I started to think about it too much without coming up with an answer. I accept it's also possible it just flew over my head. Excluding that, it was a charming story and I liked what you did with the dialogue. I expected the rock's thoughts on what it would feel like to fly to play a bigger role, in a dreamer sort of way. It does work as foreshadowing though, since the rock did fly, albeit briefly.
Cyan: Sets the word count at 3,000, writes a hundred. What a rascal you are. But despite the short entry, I could see you do something with it. Perhaps flesh it out for a later challenge if the inspiration ever strikes, because I think you got something there.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
It's kinda part of a little fictional universe I've been working on, so I will revisit it in the future.
To be perfectly honest, it's more fun coming up with details and build up the world than to actually write stories set in it
From my wiki:
EDIT: Oh, and the Huízú is an actual thing. Google it!
John Dunbar
correct about everything
Nezumi: This actually felt like a story that needed more than 3,000 words. The dream sequence probably takes up too many words when working under such restricting word counts, and at times the way you give the information needed to understand the world and the story feels a bit forced (and as you say, the duality of light and shadow in this form doesn't quite work), but I could still see this being polished and built on into something. About the use of words like “really”; I generally agree it might come across as a bit off outside dialogue, but in this case the tone of the narration was rather conversationalist, so the use of the word didn't feel like any kind of a stylistic blunder to me.
Chainsawkitten: The subject matter, the flowery prose, and even the ending with the mother all summon up recollections of Lolita, which might prejudice the reader: Nabokov can't really be beat on this turf. The piece feels like a homage to the Russian, which might overshadow its own merits, and it certainly has them: you did a good job with creating a voice that might belong to a man treading a fine line between brilliance and madness, and who just might be a distant relative of Humbert Humbert himself.
Votes:
1. SquiddyCookie
2. Chainsawkitten
3. Nezumi
HM: Tangent
Chainsawkitten: The subject matter, the flowery prose, and even the ending with the mother all summon up recollections of Lolita, which might prejudice the reader: Nabokov can't really be beat on this turf. The piece feels like a homage to the Russian, which might overshadow its own merits, and it certainly has them: you did a good job with creating a voice that might belong to a man treading a fine line between brilliance and madness, and who just might be a distant relative of Humbert Humbert himself.
Votes:
1. SquiddyCookie
2. Chainsawkitten
3. Nezumi
HM: Tangent
Chainsawkitten
Member
Short thoughts.
Mike M - Boeing Woes: Didn't get that it was a gremlin until the second read either. It's pretty well-written but didn't really give me much.
John Dunbar - In a Field Where Barley Grows: The mood is pretty good throughout, but the scarecrow can get a bit too much at times. I didn't get what happened to Gwendoline.
SquiddyCracker - From Carthage then I left: It held me intrigued to know more of the world. The story itself isn't very interesting but it's the world-building that matters in these kinds of texts.
Ashes1396 - Anonymous donor.: As others have pointed out, this needed more formatting to read well. I'm not really a fan of these kinds of narratives, and I'm not sure what you were going for.
Tangent - Monster Within: I liked the use of haikus as dialogue. Didn't get what the "monsters" were supposed to be.
Cyan - Shadow Fragments: It's a good beginning to something but I don't think it quite stands on its own.
Nezumi - There is always Light: Why that line spacing? Anyhow, it doesn't feel very thought out. Like you made stuff up as you went along (which isn't necessarily bad but requires quite a bit of skill to keep it together). I'm not saying you did; it just felt that way to me, which probably signifies a lack of direction.
Afterthoughts on self: I am torn apart about my entry. On one hand it is necessary for me to write these kinds of stories. I don't really hold much interest in writing other stuff. But the character exists only in relation to the focus of the story, making him/her obsessed, uncharismatic and nonexistent in other contexts. When the focus lies entirely on the creepy aspects, it becomes a "Look at this person! Ain't (s)he weird and creepy?!". It is exploitation. It is yet another stereotypical hebephile portrayal, of which there are already (proportionally) too many. Another hebephile defined entirely by their sexuality. But it is the part that is interesting, why write of something that does not interest me? Perhaps I can rectify it in some future effort. At least I didn't make her/him molest someone.
Votes:
1. John Dunbar - In a Field Where Barley Grows
2. Tangent - Monster Within
3. SquiddyCracker - From Carthage then I left
Mike M - Boeing Woes: Didn't get that it was a gremlin until the second read either. It's pretty well-written but didn't really give me much.
John Dunbar - In a Field Where Barley Grows: The mood is pretty good throughout, but the scarecrow can get a bit too much at times. I didn't get what happened to Gwendoline.
SquiddyCracker - From Carthage then I left: It held me intrigued to know more of the world. The story itself isn't very interesting but it's the world-building that matters in these kinds of texts.
Ashes1396 - Anonymous donor.: As others have pointed out, this needed more formatting to read well. I'm not really a fan of these kinds of narratives, and I'm not sure what you were going for.
Tangent - Monster Within: I liked the use of haikus as dialogue. Didn't get what the "monsters" were supposed to be.
Cyan - Shadow Fragments: It's a good beginning to something but I don't think it quite stands on its own.
Nezumi - There is always Light: Why that line spacing? Anyhow, it doesn't feel very thought out. Like you made stuff up as you went along (which isn't necessarily bad but requires quite a bit of skill to keep it together). I'm not saying you did; it just felt that way to me, which probably signifies a lack of direction.
Afterthoughts on self: I am torn apart about my entry. On one hand it is necessary for me to write these kinds of stories. I don't really hold much interest in writing other stuff. But the character exists only in relation to the focus of the story, making him/her obsessed, uncharismatic and nonexistent in other contexts. When the focus lies entirely on the creepy aspects, it becomes a "Look at this person! Ain't (s)he weird and creepy?!". It is exploitation. It is yet another stereotypical hebephile portrayal, of which there are already (proportionally) too many. Another hebephile defined entirely by their sexuality. But it is the part that is interesting, why write of something that does not interest me? Perhaps I can rectify it in some future effort. At least I didn't make her/him molest someone.
Votes:
1. John Dunbar - In a Field Where Barley Grows
2. Tangent - Monster Within
3. SquiddyCracker - From Carthage then I left
I think this was a question that came up a lot so I definitely need to work on expressing the main idea! I was concerned that I was being too explicit! Oops! Anyway, the "monsters" were simply the rock's own shadow that he couldn't run away from. On sand, the shadow was cast upon sand so it was a "sand monster." (The monster looked bigger when it included the boy's shadow.) The tried to get away but couldn't, and then he was saved by being flung into the ocean, only to see his shadow reflected on the ocean floor, thus creating a "water monster." Ultimately, it was his (the rock's) own imagination gone awry. In other news, I'm glad you liked the haikus!
Crits:
Mike M – Boeing Woes: I really liked the newspaper style. Do you work for Boeing? It seemed very personal. This might be a stupid question, but I wasn’t sure why the author of the 1st story was a gremlin; what’s the significance? I very much enjoyed the story about the Brontosaurus at the end and the thoughtful layout.
John Dunbar – In a Field Where Barley Grows: This was very enchanting. I got a little confused with the images the boy saw while wearing the hat but I think that’s just me. And anyway, what’s more impressive is that despite that little confusion, I almost felt like it didn’t take away from the story.
SquiddyBiscuit – From Carthage Then I Left: Stories like this really make me want to get more into scifi stuff. The hardest thing for me was getting used to new jargon but I think that’s just my unfamiliarity with this writing style. I liked the exploration of atheism and faith in a world where gods are very different – perhaps tangible and within human-like forms. Sort of symbolic in a way.
Ashes – Anonymous Donor: I liked the layout of this. For ease of reading, and just for the fun of it, maybe consider even using different fonts/colors for the names/dates. The story line was interesting but I think the pace could have picked up in the middle with slightly less details.
Cyan – Shadow Fragments: With so few words, you captured so much! Good word choice and quite poetic.
Nezumi – There is Always Light: Wow, this was an awesome story. The ending reminded me of Life of Pi. I was a little confused how someone in solitary confinement would be able to talk to a master but maybe that was an extension of himself.
Chainsawkitten – Reflections of a Budding Flower: Wow, fascinating how you were able to write about a creep in 1st person. Well done! I really like how you tried to portray the MC as a main character simply following his own curiosity. Yikes. Also, the ending was very well done. I hope you keep on submitting entries!
Votes:
1. JD
2. Nezumi
3. SquiddyCrisp
Nah, I just work nearby. Boeing is the biggest employer in town though, and the news that they were laying off 800 people in the wake of the battery fire issue was a big deal locally. The development and deployment of the 787 Dreamliner has been plagued with problems and delay, and gremlins are the folkloric entities responsible for aeronautical mishaps, so it just seemed natural to link it all together. I just couldn't pull it off well.
The spacing is what Scrivener does when I compile the document. Never thought about it before. Does it bother others aswell? Being a rather fast reader myself I kind of like a bigger spacing because it prevents me from jumping lines and stuff. About the rest you are more or less spot on. When I started writing I just knew that I wanted to write about a guy who uses shadowbased magic, that got stuck in a dark cell unable to use said magic. Throughout the story he should realize that there are shadows in shadows thus becoming more poweful and be able to escape. The rest I made up on the fly and I agree that there are some major issues. That i wrote the first half late at night and the second really early in the moring probably didn't help either.
You mean the dream sequence? It is not supposed to be communication but a memory, that is refreshed by the fact that he dreams about it. The idea was, that Virco wasn't that good a pupil and got fed up with his master for being always so cryptic and not teaching him the deeper mysteries. The dream and the imprisonment make him rethink that and he realizes that his master had given him one answer to his questions all along.
Ok, I don't know if Ashes is going to vote yet or not, but after I counted the votes we have so far, the Top 3 is more or less set. So, without much further ado:
The Results:
1st Place: John Dunbar -- In a Field Where Barley Grows
2nd Place: Chainsawkitten -- Reflections of a Budding Flower
3rd Place: SquiddyCracker -- From Carthage then I left
Vote Count:
John Dunbar - 15 (3)
Chainsawkitten - 10 (2)
SquiddyCracker - 6 (1)
Mike M - 3 (1)
Tangent - 3
Nezumi - 3
Cyan- 1
Ashes1396 - 1
Congratulation John Dunbar! A deserved victory. Now get up the new thread and make sure you get the dates right
The Results:
1st Place: John Dunbar -- In a Field Where Barley Grows
2nd Place: Chainsawkitten -- Reflections of a Budding Flower
3rd Place: SquiddyCracker -- From Carthage then I left
Vote Count:
John Dunbar - 15 (3)
Chainsawkitten - 10 (2)
SquiddyCracker - 6 (1)
Mike M - 3 (1)
Tangent - 3
Nezumi - 3
Cyan- 1
Ashes1396 - 1
Congratulation John Dunbar! A deserved victory. Now get up the new thread and make sure you get the dates right
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Congratulations Dunbar!
Yeah, Friday deadline should be the 19th of April.
Yeah, Friday deadline should be the 19th of April.
John Dunbar
correct about everything
Thanks, I'll have the new thread up later today after I come up with a theme.
About my story, reading some of the feedback was pretty surprising since I was worried I made the whole thing too obvious and all in your face, and was actually going to try to make it more ambiguous. Generally I've adopted the attitude that anything you write should just stand on its own with no explanations needed, but since these are writing challenges, I guess I might as well say what I was going for:
Edit: New thread is up.
About my story, reading some of the feedback was pretty surprising since I was worried I made the whole thing too obvious and all in your face, and was actually going to try to make it more ambiguous. Generally I've adopted the attitude that anything you write should just stand on its own with no explanations needed, but since these are writing challenges, I guess I might as well say what I was going for:
When he was alive, the scarecrow murdered and possibly raped Gwendolyn, and as a result was crucified by the villagers.
Edit: New thread is up.
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