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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #123 - "Misinformation"
- Thread starter GRW810
- Start date
- Status
Entries:
* adj_noun: Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell
* Chainsawkitten: Short Autobiographical Stories
* mu cephei: untitled
* Cyan: Herostratos
* Ward: Abe Zanarkands Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Mary
* multivac: Will Eat Food for Work
* Mike M: Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?
* Ashes1396: He's dead.
* Tangent: "Learning to Fly"
* GRW810: The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds
Read. Enjoy. Review. Critique. Vote.
* adj_noun: Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell
* Chainsawkitten: Short Autobiographical Stories
* mu cephei: untitled
* Cyan: Herostratos
* Ward: Abe Zanarkands Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Mary
* multivac: Will Eat Food for Work
* Mike M: Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?
* Ashes1396: He's dead.
* Tangent: "Learning to Fly"
* GRW810: The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds
Read. Enjoy. Review. Critique. Vote.
adj_noun - "Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell" - Great hook. Excellent job on making the world feel lived-in and giving the feel of a story that's part of many, or part of a larger one. I was a little surprised that the old crone was cold and cruel; I think that could've been established more strongly before the key moment when it matters--it mostly sounded like she was more concerned for the town than herself.
Chainsawkitten - "Short Autobiographical Stories" - Well-written again, and again I'll say that I'd like to see you branch out. It doesn't feel like it really ends--which is altogether different from being part of a series. I want something to tell me that the story's over besides just the ending of the text.
mu cephei - untitled - Really smoothly written, and it does feel like a story that's part of something bigger. Unfortunately, that also works against it--I didn't feel I had quite enough of a grasp on what was going on, by the end, to really understand the significance of things. I liked the repeated "good for it" line and where it ended up.
Chainsawkitten - "Short Autobiographical Stories" - Well-written again, and again I'll say that I'd like to see you branch out. It doesn't feel like it really ends--which is altogether different from being part of a series. I want something to tell me that the story's over besides just the ending of the text.
mu cephei - untitled - Really smoothly written, and it does feel like a story that's part of something bigger. Unfortunately, that also works against it--I didn't feel I had quite enough of a grasp on what was going on, by the end, to really understand the significance of things. I liked the repeated "good for it" line and where it ended up.
adj_noun - Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell
Wonderful. Maybe a few too many adjectives. The main discordant note was the crone going from concern about the village to being a horrible person (though I guess its possible) but then the action swept doubts away and I loved the ending.
chainsawkitten - Short Autobiographical Stories
Im really not sure about this. There was the very odd or downright wrong use of words and phrases, focussing on inconsequential things, digressions, which succeeded in giving the impression the narrator was someone very strange indeed! But it was awkward to read. I think it could have worked if it actually was part of something longer, but not as a short story. Also starting off a story with the words (Im paraphrasing) this is gonna be boring is an odd move...
Cyan - Herostratos
I was just thinking, good premise but the form cant help but be dull when I got to the stupid cunt bit which made me laugh. The piece was overall amusing, but still, a bit stymied by the form. That it was excellently written goes without saying with your work. And nice, using the BBC.
Ward - Abe Zanarkands Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Mary
I liked the style and the snappy lines, it was well done. It was let down slightly by the editing/ writing; it didnt flow very well at times. Also the ending could've been a little clearer.
multivac - Will Eat Food For Work
Very nicely written. It was a sweet story, though it seems more of a vignette than a short story to me.
Mike M - Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect
I liked the idea. This is the 2nd story in this batch with the narrator talking to the reader I bet you think this - which is odd. Im wondering if its a neogaf quirk, seeing as you get immediate feedback? Im not sure it fits here. Also I thought there were a few too many words used to explain everything. Still, no real writing flaws, and it was pretty fun and the ending was good.
Ashes1396 - Hes Dead
I thoroughly enjoyed this, with the caveat that it was all going so well until the coalescing through silence each others thoughts bit, and then you lost me a bit. And then... magic? There was no build up to this at all that I saw - but it made me think, well maybe this is a character Ashes has used before, so it worked in a way. Overall this was really very good.
Tangent - Learning to Fly
Very well written as usual. The language was evocative, and a nicely drawn world. I did find the lesson-learning a bit much and there were a few errors a good proof-read would fix (I only mention it because you write to such a high standard). I really felt for Onyango and what he was going through. A good, well-realised story and I enjoyed reading it.
GRW810 - The Five Orbs of All-Lands: Open Wounds
The writing was pretty good, so when the occasional awkward sentences came, they jarred, though I think this was due not being quite committed enough to the style of language used? Also (and considering it was your challenge!) it couldve done with some tightening up - the character interactions were too minutely observed. And I thought the last line was unnecessary - again with talking to the reader! But a fun scenario which I could instantly imagine.
Votes:
1st - adj_noun
2nd - Ashes1396
3rd - Tangent
It was a bit of a toss-up between all three, so they're pretty much in order of enjoyment.
Wonderful. Maybe a few too many adjectives. The main discordant note was the crone going from concern about the village to being a horrible person (though I guess its possible) but then the action swept doubts away and I loved the ending.
chainsawkitten - Short Autobiographical Stories
Im really not sure about this. There was the very odd or downright wrong use of words and phrases, focussing on inconsequential things, digressions, which succeeded in giving the impression the narrator was someone very strange indeed! But it was awkward to read. I think it could have worked if it actually was part of something longer, but not as a short story. Also starting off a story with the words (Im paraphrasing) this is gonna be boring is an odd move...
Cyan - Herostratos
I was just thinking, good premise but the form cant help but be dull when I got to the stupid cunt bit which made me laugh. The piece was overall amusing, but still, a bit stymied by the form. That it was excellently written goes without saying with your work. And nice, using the BBC.
Ward - Abe Zanarkands Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Mary
I liked the style and the snappy lines, it was well done. It was let down slightly by the editing/ writing; it didnt flow very well at times. Also the ending could've been a little clearer.
multivac - Will Eat Food For Work
Very nicely written. It was a sweet story, though it seems more of a vignette than a short story to me.
Mike M - Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect
I liked the idea. This is the 2nd story in this batch with the narrator talking to the reader I bet you think this - which is odd. Im wondering if its a neogaf quirk, seeing as you get immediate feedback? Im not sure it fits here. Also I thought there were a few too many words used to explain everything. Still, no real writing flaws, and it was pretty fun and the ending was good.
Ashes1396 - Hes Dead
I thoroughly enjoyed this, with the caveat that it was all going so well until the coalescing through silence each others thoughts bit, and then you lost me a bit. And then... magic? There was no build up to this at all that I saw - but it made me think, well maybe this is a character Ashes has used before, so it worked in a way. Overall this was really very good.
Tangent - Learning to Fly
Very well written as usual. The language was evocative, and a nicely drawn world. I did find the lesson-learning a bit much and there were a few errors a good proof-read would fix (I only mention it because you write to such a high standard). I really felt for Onyango and what he was going through. A good, well-realised story and I enjoyed reading it.
GRW810 - The Five Orbs of All-Lands: Open Wounds
The writing was pretty good, so when the occasional awkward sentences came, they jarred, though I think this was due not being quite committed enough to the style of language used? Also (and considering it was your challenge!) it couldve done with some tightening up - the character interactions were too minutely observed. And I thought the last line was unnecessary - again with talking to the reader! But a fun scenario which I could instantly imagine.
Votes:
1st - adj_noun
2nd - Ashes1396
3rd - Tangent
It was a bit of a toss-up between all three, so they're pretty much in order of enjoyment.
please tell me if I've been rude
It's a technique quite a few writers use to create a friendly, familiar rapport with the reader. Stephen King, for example. It's not something I've ever done before or likely to do too often in the future but it felt useful and appropriate for the secondary objective.
Great critiques, by the way. I don't know if this is your first challenge or if I just haven't seen you around before but it's always great to see people offering in depth, honest feedback.
Ah. I guess I found the proportion of 3 out of 10 quite high, and wasn't sure if it was common for these challenges. Also in your case I think you'd succeeded in establishing the secondary objective very well already.
This is my first neogaf challenge but I've lurked these threads and read some entries. And I've done the whole critiquing thing before. I don't find it easy to do but have always found it so useful to receive!
Critique time. I think I may have been a bit blunt, but I've been nursing a hangover for most of the time I was writing these...
adj_noun -- Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell: This was good stuff, nice balance of world building without falling over itself to explain everything in excruciating detail. Theres a fly in the ointment in the form of the exchange between the protagonist and the crone where she cites the rules of the Last Question. That existed solely for the benefit of the audience reading it since these two characters would be well familiar with the rules and wouldnt feel the need to reiterate them to one another, and it probably could have been easily folded into the narrative instead of the dialog. Also, I echo previous sentiment that the God born of the crone being one of all manner of negative emotions did seem a bit out of whack, since up until that point it really did seem like she was doing it for the greater good.
Chainsawkitten -- Short Autobiographical Stories: Putting aside the fact that this is another first person narrative of a well-spoken sexual deviant and that you run the risk of boxing yourself in as the guy who only writes that sort of stuff (well written as it may be), this read less of a series of short stories (which on the face of it is a splendid interpretation of the secondary objective), and more like this was an overarching story about the narrators experiences at a pair of birthday parties, interrupted by an anecdote about being a church youth group leader. I think your aim would have been better served if the first or third part was some other setup than birthday parties. And maybe its a regional thing, but take 3, pay for 2 instead of buy 2, get 1 free was an entirely alien term to me. At least one wrong word choice too.
mu cephei -- untitled: Circling back to my critique for adj_noun regarding world building without belaboring it, this one weighed in on the other side of the scale. I really wanted to know a lot more about the nature of the narrators injuries. I dont need an excerpt from a medical encyclopedia, and ultimately it was just a McGuffin, but the little fragments of details dropped pointed to something unusual and bizarre, and it drove me to distraction trying to imagine WTF it could be. The final line was a nice closer though, really sold the feeling of despair and desperation the crew was feeling.
Cyan -- Herostratos: Eeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh... Im not really feeling this one... For satire, it doesnt feel like it goes quite far enough. For a counterfactual what if scenario, stuff like style guidelines to refer to a terrorist as the stupid cunt who blew up a building seems too ridiculous to be taken seriously. In either event, the history lesson of the wiping of Herostratos name from history seemed out of place. It was necessary foundation for the story to work, but it didnt read like something I would expect to see in a style guideline (though I confess I havent really read a style guideline in forever, and spend most of my day reading and revising SOPs, which are a different beast that typically eschew including background information like that). The part about maintaining an archive where the actual names are held was something of a final breaking point for credulity, as it seemed to undermine the entire premise. I get what you were going for, but I dont think it quite came together right.
Ward -- Abe Zanarkands Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Mary: Was waiting for Sin to show up the entire time... No, actually I felt like I was missing out on a string of inside jokes the entire time, though I eventually figured out the connection via the continued misreading of Mary Drewmore as Drew Barrymore. It was quick paced and snappy, but also equally bewildering and weird. I felt like the patsy of a Tom Green sketch back in the day.
multivac -- Will Eat Food for Work: Man, I love the crust of the bread. Fuck this kid and his preoccupation with fucking Pirates of the Caribbean. Did Orlando Bloom even have curly hair in that movie? I cant even recall. Cute story about the exploits of kid logic though. My real question though is whether or not his dad was actually going to be at the audition? I had the impression from the start that he wasnt that involved in Brents life any more, but I suppose there could have been a relatively amicable divorce or something. But if Brents mom is telling him that to get him out of his funk, then she is a AAA grade, S rank, top shelf, primo quality emotionally manipulative bitch.
Mike M -- Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?: Ive just been phoning this in (no pun intended) for the past few entries. I have no idea when output will improve. Your patience is appreciated.
Ashes1396 -- He's dead.: I lold at the considerate one night stand hiding the narrators stuff before leaving the hotel room unlocked, which was fortunate because everything else got stolen by someone else. I have to say, when I was first introduced to Author all those entries ago when he was just walking into town with some other magic user, I never really got the impression that he was quite the mythical hero type. Now here we are with two entries in a row where hes the miraculous savior of a war against all the things that go bump in the night, and another where hes a world renown celebrity (well, I guess he was that in the last one too). None of that is either a positive or a negative, just an interesting observation. The whole thing was uncharacteristically straightforward and conventional for your usual contributions : )
Tangent -- "Learning to Fly": A few typos and wrong word choices (pregn ant weary instead of wary, etc.). Uplifting story (no pun intended), though the ending seemed to come waaaaaaaaaaaaaay out of left field. I had presumed that these characters are humans (and giving it a second glance, Im still not seeing anything that would contradict that notion), but Onya just flings himself off the ground and can fly? And at speeds fast enough to intercept the dive bombing bird before it hits the water? If such things are possible, then whats the motivation for aspiring to be the pilot of the bird in the first place? That left me scratching my head. I was also a little thrown by the fact that Tums father was also named Daed, but that seemed to have little to do with anything in the story. It seemed like you were going for a clerical mixup angle, but never really capitalized on it. You probably could have ditched that detail and nothing would be the worse for it.
GRW810 -- The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds: Ooooooh, thats Ioan not Loan. Man, I was wondering what that was about. Heh heh. I feel like this is too self aware that its trying to be a smaller part in a larger series, and while it tries to assume some familiarity with the characters and gloss over their interactions, its also mostly an explanation stuff that Im kind of surprised that the other characters didnt already know. I was a little put off by the Five Orbs talk as well, the whole Quest to acquire X of item Y model sets off alarm bells in my head because I associate such story framing exclusively with JRPGs. And while I find those to be fine *games,* theyre not exactly the kind of stories I want to *read,* know what I mean? The central core of the story, about a guy on a quest led astray by someone who didnt know any better who later tries to make amends and loses their life in the process, that part was solid. Its just the framing around it that could use some work.
Votes:
Eh. I'll do that tomorrow. But I won't forget, I swear.
adj_noun -- Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell: This was good stuff, nice balance of world building without falling over itself to explain everything in excruciating detail. Theres a fly in the ointment in the form of the exchange between the protagonist and the crone where she cites the rules of the Last Question. That existed solely for the benefit of the audience reading it since these two characters would be well familiar with the rules and wouldnt feel the need to reiterate them to one another, and it probably could have been easily folded into the narrative instead of the dialog. Also, I echo previous sentiment that the God born of the crone being one of all manner of negative emotions did seem a bit out of whack, since up until that point it really did seem like she was doing it for the greater good.
Chainsawkitten -- Short Autobiographical Stories: Putting aside the fact that this is another first person narrative of a well-spoken sexual deviant and that you run the risk of boxing yourself in as the guy who only writes that sort of stuff (well written as it may be), this read less of a series of short stories (which on the face of it is a splendid interpretation of the secondary objective), and more like this was an overarching story about the narrators experiences at a pair of birthday parties, interrupted by an anecdote about being a church youth group leader. I think your aim would have been better served if the first or third part was some other setup than birthday parties. And maybe its a regional thing, but take 3, pay for 2 instead of buy 2, get 1 free was an entirely alien term to me. At least one wrong word choice too.
mu cephei -- untitled: Circling back to my critique for adj_noun regarding world building without belaboring it, this one weighed in on the other side of the scale. I really wanted to know a lot more about the nature of the narrators injuries. I dont need an excerpt from a medical encyclopedia, and ultimately it was just a McGuffin, but the little fragments of details dropped pointed to something unusual and bizarre, and it drove me to distraction trying to imagine WTF it could be. The final line was a nice closer though, really sold the feeling of despair and desperation the crew was feeling.
Cyan -- Herostratos: Eeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh... Im not really feeling this one... For satire, it doesnt feel like it goes quite far enough. For a counterfactual what if scenario, stuff like style guidelines to refer to a terrorist as the stupid cunt who blew up a building seems too ridiculous to be taken seriously. In either event, the history lesson of the wiping of Herostratos name from history seemed out of place. It was necessary foundation for the story to work, but it didnt read like something I would expect to see in a style guideline (though I confess I havent really read a style guideline in forever, and spend most of my day reading and revising SOPs, which are a different beast that typically eschew including background information like that). The part about maintaining an archive where the actual names are held was something of a final breaking point for credulity, as it seemed to undermine the entire premise. I get what you were going for, but I dont think it quite came together right.
Ward -- Abe Zanarkands Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Mary: Was waiting for Sin to show up the entire time... No, actually I felt like I was missing out on a string of inside jokes the entire time, though I eventually figured out the connection via the continued misreading of Mary Drewmore as Drew Barrymore. It was quick paced and snappy, but also equally bewildering and weird. I felt like the patsy of a Tom Green sketch back in the day.
multivac -- Will Eat Food for Work: Man, I love the crust of the bread. Fuck this kid and his preoccupation with fucking Pirates of the Caribbean. Did Orlando Bloom even have curly hair in that movie? I cant even recall. Cute story about the exploits of kid logic though. My real question though is whether or not his dad was actually going to be at the audition? I had the impression from the start that he wasnt that involved in Brents life any more, but I suppose there could have been a relatively amicable divorce or something. But if Brents mom is telling him that to get him out of his funk, then she is a AAA grade, S rank, top shelf, primo quality emotionally manipulative bitch.
Mike M -- Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?: Ive just been phoning this in (no pun intended) for the past few entries. I have no idea when output will improve. Your patience is appreciated.
Ashes1396 -- He's dead.: I lold at the considerate one night stand hiding the narrators stuff before leaving the hotel room unlocked, which was fortunate because everything else got stolen by someone else. I have to say, when I was first introduced to Author all those entries ago when he was just walking into town with some other magic user, I never really got the impression that he was quite the mythical hero type. Now here we are with two entries in a row where hes the miraculous savior of a war against all the things that go bump in the night, and another where hes a world renown celebrity (well, I guess he was that in the last one too). None of that is either a positive or a negative, just an interesting observation. The whole thing was uncharacteristically straightforward and conventional for your usual contributions : )
Tangent -- "Learning to Fly": A few typos and wrong word choices (pregn ant weary instead of wary, etc.). Uplifting story (no pun intended), though the ending seemed to come waaaaaaaaaaaaaay out of left field. I had presumed that these characters are humans (and giving it a second glance, Im still not seeing anything that would contradict that notion), but Onya just flings himself off the ground and can fly? And at speeds fast enough to intercept the dive bombing bird before it hits the water? If such things are possible, then whats the motivation for aspiring to be the pilot of the bird in the first place? That left me scratching my head. I was also a little thrown by the fact that Tums father was also named Daed, but that seemed to have little to do with anything in the story. It seemed like you were going for a clerical mixup angle, but never really capitalized on it. You probably could have ditched that detail and nothing would be the worse for it.
GRW810 -- The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds: Ooooooh, thats Ioan not Loan. Man, I was wondering what that was about. Heh heh. I feel like this is too self aware that its trying to be a smaller part in a larger series, and while it tries to assume some familiarity with the characters and gloss over their interactions, its also mostly an explanation stuff that Im kind of surprised that the other characters didnt already know. I was a little put off by the Five Orbs talk as well, the whole Quest to acquire X of item Y model sets off alarm bells in my head because I associate such story framing exclusively with JRPGs. And while I find those to be fine *games,* theyre not exactly the kind of stories I want to *read,* know what I mean? The central core of the story, about a guy on a quest led astray by someone who didnt know any better who later tries to make amends and loses their life in the process, that part was solid. Its just the framing around it that could use some work.
Votes:
Eh. I'll do that tomorrow. But I won't forget, I swear.
Ward - "Abe Zanarkands Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Mary" - Fun. I like the noirish feel at the start, though it clashes a bit with the asides to the reader. A few strange tense changes, and I was confused by the ending.
multivac - "Will Eat Food for Work" - The end startled me, as I'd thought his dad was dead. I was like, "is his mom just straight up fucking with him?" Was a little confused about his age at first, as the audition thing made me think he was older. Love the central conflict and how he attacks it.
Mike M - "Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?" - slow burn to start out with. I'd like to get into the action a little quicker in something so short. I liked the concept here, and the laconic single-sentence ending was perfect.
multivac - "Will Eat Food for Work" - The end startled me, as I'd thought his dad was dead. I was like, "is his mom just straight up fucking with him?" Was a little confused about his age at first, as the audition thing made me think he was older. Love the central conflict and how he attacks it.
Mike M - "Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?" - slow burn to start out with. I'd like to get into the action a little quicker in something so short. I liked the concept here, and the laconic single-sentence ending was perfect.
adj_noun - Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell: Absolutely wonderful writing style, professional and almost flawless. I was blown away by your command of vocabulary, sentence structure, pacing and pretty much everything else. Great little story, interesting clash between good and evil (even though, as others have said, the evil seemed a little strong) and a real pleasure to read.
Chainsawkitten - Short Autobiographical Stories: I didn't dislike this, I just didn't get it. Or it didn't get me, I don't know which. It was a good read, sure, it just didn't wow me. I didn't understand the point, I didn't identify with the character, and I felt like multi-story was a misunderstanding of the secondary objective. The structure is very good though; I like when authors play with format. Mini-stories as a main story is something I've always wanted to do. I'd like to see you return to this idea with another plot.
mu cephei - untitled: I struggled to follow this, but in all honesty felt like that was my fault rather than yours. I don't know what it was, I just couldn't allow myself to be absorbed by it. I feel like any further critique is invalid because of my failure with this story, but I felt it confusing and disjointed. I wasn't clear by the end what was happening. The writing was fine, no grammatical errors, structure was solid, it flowed well. Just wasn't for me. That happens sometimes, no lingering judgement of the author at all.
Cyan - Herostratus: The sign of a challenge veteran, trying something very different. I felt contradicting feelings reading this; it isn't entertaining, yet I'm finding it interesting. There isn't quite enough plot in it and by your own admittance it blurred the definition of the theme, but even then your talent turns it into a solid submission.
Ward - Abe Zanarkand's Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Mary: This was a whole bunch of fun to read. Almost every week there's a story that lacks somewhat in quality of writing, yet more than makes up for in content. By that I mean there are better written stories, yet I enjoyed yours more than many. It was the best paced story, it felt the most like 'part of a series' and it was entertaining.
Multivac - Will Eat Food For Work: Very similar scenario to above. Not amongst the best written, right up there in enjoyability. I'm a sucker for stories that explore the innocent misunderstand of kids and this really nails it to a tee, using old wives' tales as the catalyst for events. I felt the curly hair reasoning for everything a little weak and I didn't feel much for the actor audition aspect, but the overall vibe was charming.
Mike M - Next Time Try Calling Collect?: If this is you off form, I dread to think what you'd submit at your best. A little wordy in places (you're probably getting fed up with people telling you that in recent weeks!) but by and large it was a perfect story for this challenge. Two characters (one unseen), one room, a simple scenario. The phone conversation was a strange approach and I don't know whether there should have been more focus on the gravitas of the ominous scenario. I took it upon myself to sense the fear you didn't speak much of though, which speaks volumes for the situation you established at the beginning. Sole criticism would be that it seemed the complete opposite of part of a series - a specially-crafted one-off. But that's why it's optional, I guess.
Ashes1396 - He's Dead: First, what is with those character names? Secondly, this was a great short story. Not just a good story that happens to be short, or a good novel idea crammed badly into a short story format, or a bunch of paragraphs passing as a brief plot. Short stories should have a certain vibe, a feeling that you've dipped in and out of a world. This encapsulates it perfectly. A brilliantly fun plot that lends itself well to the theme and both objectives.
Tangent - Learning to Fly: Whether or not this is relevant, this story reminded me of Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. A boy and his bird. It only served to enhance the warm feeling I felt from visiting the world of your story. The heartbreaking sense of failed ambitions was paced well to come full circle and finally achieve the outer goal. I did feel quite confused about self-flying and bird-flying rules of the story world and there were several sloppy oversights that a proofread would iron out but by and large this was a wonderful read.
GRW810 - The Five Orbs of All-Lands: Open Wounds: I thought I'd take a crack at a fantasy world, something of a practice run for the future maybe. It was somewhere in the middle of surprised ability at somewhat achieving what I wanted and a gentle reminder that it's not so easy to just dive into a vast world. I enjoyed exploring Welsh names for my characters because they lend themselves naturally well to this genre, and though it clearly demanded a more in-depth exploration of the theme, I was satisfied at creating a campfire chat between my band of travellers. There's a difference between understanding your story and giving readers a chance to understand, and that's where I failed. I knew I would, but I enjoyed this experience.
Votes:
1. Tangent - Learning to Fly
2. adj_noun - Has-No-Name and the Crone of Kira Tell
3. Ashes - He's Dead
Chainsawkitten - Short Autobiographical Stories: I didn't dislike this, I just didn't get it. Or it didn't get me, I don't know which. It was a good read, sure, it just didn't wow me. I didn't understand the point, I didn't identify with the character, and I felt like multi-story was a misunderstanding of the secondary objective. The structure is very good though; I like when authors play with format. Mini-stories as a main story is something I've always wanted to do. I'd like to see you return to this idea with another plot.
mu cephei - untitled: I struggled to follow this, but in all honesty felt like that was my fault rather than yours. I don't know what it was, I just couldn't allow myself to be absorbed by it. I feel like any further critique is invalid because of my failure with this story, but I felt it confusing and disjointed. I wasn't clear by the end what was happening. The writing was fine, no grammatical errors, structure was solid, it flowed well. Just wasn't for me. That happens sometimes, no lingering judgement of the author at all.
Cyan - Herostratus: The sign of a challenge veteran, trying something very different. I felt contradicting feelings reading this; it isn't entertaining, yet I'm finding it interesting. There isn't quite enough plot in it and by your own admittance it blurred the definition of the theme, but even then your talent turns it into a solid submission.
Ward - Abe Zanarkand's Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Mary: This was a whole bunch of fun to read. Almost every week there's a story that lacks somewhat in quality of writing, yet more than makes up for in content. By that I mean there are better written stories, yet I enjoyed yours more than many. It was the best paced story, it felt the most like 'part of a series' and it was entertaining.
Multivac - Will Eat Food For Work: Very similar scenario to above. Not amongst the best written, right up there in enjoyability. I'm a sucker for stories that explore the innocent misunderstand of kids and this really nails it to a tee, using old wives' tales as the catalyst for events. I felt the curly hair reasoning for everything a little weak and I didn't feel much for the actor audition aspect, but the overall vibe was charming.
Mike M - Next Time Try Calling Collect?: If this is you off form, I dread to think what you'd submit at your best. A little wordy in places (you're probably getting fed up with people telling you that in recent weeks!) but by and large it was a perfect story for this challenge. Two characters (one unseen), one room, a simple scenario. The phone conversation was a strange approach and I don't know whether there should have been more focus on the gravitas of the ominous scenario. I took it upon myself to sense the fear you didn't speak much of though, which speaks volumes for the situation you established at the beginning. Sole criticism would be that it seemed the complete opposite of part of a series - a specially-crafted one-off. But that's why it's optional, I guess.
Ashes1396 - He's Dead: First, what is with those character names? Secondly, this was a great short story. Not just a good story that happens to be short, or a good novel idea crammed badly into a short story format, or a bunch of paragraphs passing as a brief plot. Short stories should have a certain vibe, a feeling that you've dipped in and out of a world. This encapsulates it perfectly. A brilliantly fun plot that lends itself well to the theme and both objectives.
Tangent - Learning to Fly: Whether or not this is relevant, this story reminded me of Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. A boy and his bird. It only served to enhance the warm feeling I felt from visiting the world of your story. The heartbreaking sense of failed ambitions was paced well to come full circle and finally achieve the outer goal. I did feel quite confused about self-flying and bird-flying rules of the story world and there were several sloppy oversights that a proofread would iron out but by and large this was a wonderful read.
GRW810 - The Five Orbs of All-Lands: Open Wounds: I thought I'd take a crack at a fantasy world, something of a practice run for the future maybe. It was somewhere in the middle of surprised ability at somewhat achieving what I wanted and a gentle reminder that it's not so easy to just dive into a vast world. I enjoyed exploring Welsh names for my characters because they lend themselves naturally well to this genre, and though it clearly demanded a more in-depth exploration of the theme, I was satisfied at creating a campfire chat between my band of travellers. There's a difference between understanding your story and giving readers a chance to understand, and that's where I failed. I knew I would, but I enjoyed this experience.
Votes:
1. Tangent - Learning to Fly
2. adj_noun - Has-No-Name and the Crone of Kira Tell
3. Ashes - He's Dead
User 100115
Banned
Hey I am going through these to judge and read, what's the password for this one?
User 100115
Banned
User 100115
Banned
I feel really bad about offering judgement on stuff when I haven't held myself up to similar scrutiny as of yet. Please feel free to rip me to shreds in the future should I ever actually get something written for these.
adj_noun: Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell:
I really, really liked this one. I too was a bit thrown when the old womans evil nature was revealed, but I really loved the way you wrote this. It built an entire world without a lot of exposition, which was very lovely.
Chainsawkitten: Short Autobiographical Stories
I am really not sure about this one, though I get that it's supposed to feel like part of a series, it seemed more to me like part of a story, like I was missing to much to form a conclusion. Otherwise, it was well written and it held my interest!
mu cephei: untitled
This one I really enjoyed too. The tension was high, and the wound was creepy, and it made me want to find out more about this world and it's contamination. Well done.
Cyan: Herostratos
Interesting format, and you managed to hit both of the requirements of misinformation (though this is intentional) and part of series. Very well written and enjoyable to read!
Ward: Abe Zanarkand’s Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Mary
I found this to be very cute and quite humorous. I felt that maybe the ending could have been a TINY bit more fleshed out, but overall, I really enjoyed it, well done!
multivac: Will Eat Food for Work
This was really, really cute and sweet. Brent's age in my head kept refocusing as younger as the story the went along. It's something I could see my own kids doing.
Mike M: Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?
This one was honestly creepy, well done. Well written as well, I personally couldn't find anything wrong with it.
Ashes1396: He's dead.
This was really engaging. I honestly laughed out loud at the line "Aren't you glad I didn't leave everything lying around?" The magic reveal was a bit out of nowhere, but apparently totally normal for this world, so I rolled with it. Overall, well done.
Tangent: "Learning to Fly"
A gorgeous story, all around. It read very much like a myth heard in youth, and was beautifully crafted. Well done. Aside from a few spelling errors, it was perfect.
GRW810: The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds
Another one I would love to read more of. Really well crafted and tightly told, I enjoyed it completely.
Vote:
This is a really tough choice. I am voting simply on my enjoyment of each story, not on any technical merit, which might be bad, but otherwise I'd be completely undecided.
1. adj_noun: Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell
2. Tangent: "Learning to Fly"
3. GRW810 - The Five Orbs of All-Lands: Open Wounds
Honorable Mention: Ashes1396: He's dead.
Edit: Accidental double post is accidental >.<
adj_noun: Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell:
I really, really liked this one. I too was a bit thrown when the old womans evil nature was revealed, but I really loved the way you wrote this. It built an entire world without a lot of exposition, which was very lovely.
Chainsawkitten: Short Autobiographical Stories
I am really not sure about this one, though I get that it's supposed to feel like part of a series, it seemed more to me like part of a story, like I was missing to much to form a conclusion. Otherwise, it was well written and it held my interest!
mu cephei: untitled
This one I really enjoyed too. The tension was high, and the wound was creepy, and it made me want to find out more about this world and it's contamination. Well done.
Cyan: Herostratos
Interesting format, and you managed to hit both of the requirements of misinformation (though this is intentional) and part of series. Very well written and enjoyable to read!
Ward: Abe Zanarkand’s Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Mary
I found this to be very cute and quite humorous. I felt that maybe the ending could have been a TINY bit more fleshed out, but overall, I really enjoyed it, well done!
multivac: Will Eat Food for Work
This was really, really cute and sweet. Brent's age in my head kept refocusing as younger as the story the went along. It's something I could see my own kids doing.
Mike M: Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?
This one was honestly creepy, well done. Well written as well, I personally couldn't find anything wrong with it.
Ashes1396: He's dead.
This was really engaging. I honestly laughed out loud at the line "Aren't you glad I didn't leave everything lying around?" The magic reveal was a bit out of nowhere, but apparently totally normal for this world, so I rolled with it. Overall, well done.
Tangent: "Learning to Fly"
A gorgeous story, all around. It read very much like a myth heard in youth, and was beautifully crafted. Well done. Aside from a few spelling errors, it was perfect.
GRW810: The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds
Another one I would love to read more of. Really well crafted and tightly told, I enjoyed it completely.
Vote:
This is a really tough choice. I am voting simply on my enjoyment of each story, not on any technical merit, which might be bad, but otherwise I'd be completely undecided.
1. adj_noun: Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell
2. Tangent: "Learning to Fly"
3. GRW810 - The Five Orbs of All-Lands: Open Wounds
Honorable Mention: Ashes1396: He's dead.
Edit: Accidental double post is accidental >.<
User 100115
Banned
No, I didn't, everything I came up with just fell apart, I guess it wasn't my week. But I figured I'd at least show support and vote and such. I didn't see that being against the rules, was I wrong? If so, I apologize
No, I didn't, everything I came up with just fell apart, I guess it wasn't my week. But I figured I'd at least show support and vote and such. I didn't see that being against the rules, was I wrong? If so, I apologize
Nope! Voting without having written is totally fine, and giving feedback is beyond the call of duty. You're good.
Except that we still want you to write something!
User 100115
Banned
Oh good! And I will I promise! I am tend to be way too critical of myself, but hopefully this next prompt will be kinder to me.
First and foremost, thank you to everyone who submitted their work.
Chainsawkitten: Short Autobiographical Stories
I got a kind of manifesto vibe from this one, the sort of thing you’d see embedded with charts and graphs and hastily scribbled arrows pointing to The Truth. While envisioning the main character I imagined too-long fingernails pecking away on an antique typewriter.
I don’t know how well it works as a cohesive piece, but moment to moment there are sparks of an unsettling greater whole. I appreciate that you were trying something different here.
Loved the bit about the cat and cat owner’s houses. Ain’t it the truth.
mu cephei: untitled
Some good imagery in there, particularly when describing injury stuff.
Liked the filthiness of the setting. It had a ground-up, stained feel to it that’s more Firefly grime than Star Trek gleam. I definitely felt like this was part of a larger universe.
I kinda feel like I know what was going on, but not enough that I would raise my hand in the pop quiz following the lecture.
Cyan: Herostratos
Nice. Subtle and nice. Turtledove would be proud of what you did there. Theopompus probably wishes folks would just drop it already, though.
The name is hilarious. Formatting and language is more or less spot on. Good job.
Ward: Abe Zanarkand’s Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Mary
Hoo, nice title.
This one was a fun romp. It was nourish yet veered towards pulp with a lot of the dialogue.
The Street Fighter reference kinda took me out of it for a bit.
multivac: Will Eat Food for Work
Good work. Your flow is very natural, which makes for easy reading.
It’s heartwarming stuff. I’m sure a lot of us have stories more or less like this from when we were younger; heck, my granny had a similar story about bread crusts. I don’t know how much story is there, but it’s very Chicken Soup for the Soul.
Mike M: Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?
There’s a story by Stephen King called the Moving Finger about, well, a finger showing up where a finger has no right to be and causing all sorts of mischief before the credits roll.
This phone and its operator exist in an astral plane next to that finger, the Twilight Zone’s Five Characters, and other examples of the inexplicable exerting its will on the mundane.
Creepy and kooky, mysterious and spooky…I don’t know if it’s altogether ooky, but I liked it.
Ashes1396 He’s dead
I take it from an earlier comment that this references earlier stuff. That makes things fall into place a little bit better for me. Like the whole magic deal at the end, heh.
Before I read that, I was a bit lost.
The writing’s fine, I was just thrown for a loop there for a second.
Tangent -- "Learning to Fly":
Some awkward stuff here and there, but overall very well done. Would have liked a bit more on how Onyago felt when his feet finally left the ground.
GRW810 The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds
Boom shaka laka. Really accomplished the secondary theme. Totally felt like an interlude in the middle of a fantasy world.
Once again, thank you to everyone who submitted.
1. Mike M: Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?
2. GRW810 The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds
3. Tangent -- "Learning to Fly"
HM: Cyan: Herostratos
Chainsawkitten: Short Autobiographical Stories
I got a kind of manifesto vibe from this one, the sort of thing you’d see embedded with charts and graphs and hastily scribbled arrows pointing to The Truth. While envisioning the main character I imagined too-long fingernails pecking away on an antique typewriter.
I don’t know how well it works as a cohesive piece, but moment to moment there are sparks of an unsettling greater whole. I appreciate that you were trying something different here.
Loved the bit about the cat and cat owner’s houses. Ain’t it the truth.
mu cephei: untitled
Some good imagery in there, particularly when describing injury stuff.
Liked the filthiness of the setting. It had a ground-up, stained feel to it that’s more Firefly grime than Star Trek gleam. I definitely felt like this was part of a larger universe.
I kinda feel like I know what was going on, but not enough that I would raise my hand in the pop quiz following the lecture.
Cyan: Herostratos
Nice. Subtle and nice. Turtledove would be proud of what you did there. Theopompus probably wishes folks would just drop it already, though.
The name is hilarious. Formatting and language is more or less spot on. Good job.
Ward: Abe Zanarkand’s Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Mary
Hoo, nice title.
This one was a fun romp. It was nourish yet veered towards pulp with a lot of the dialogue.
The Street Fighter reference kinda took me out of it for a bit.
multivac: Will Eat Food for Work
Good work. Your flow is very natural, which makes for easy reading.
It’s heartwarming stuff. I’m sure a lot of us have stories more or less like this from when we were younger; heck, my granny had a similar story about bread crusts. I don’t know how much story is there, but it’s very Chicken Soup for the Soul.
Mike M: Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?
There’s a story by Stephen King called the Moving Finger about, well, a finger showing up where a finger has no right to be and causing all sorts of mischief before the credits roll.
This phone and its operator exist in an astral plane next to that finger, the Twilight Zone’s Five Characters, and other examples of the inexplicable exerting its will on the mundane.
Creepy and kooky, mysterious and spooky…I don’t know if it’s altogether ooky, but I liked it.
Ashes1396 He’s dead
I take it from an earlier comment that this references earlier stuff. That makes things fall into place a little bit better for me. Like the whole magic deal at the end, heh.
Before I read that, I was a bit lost.
The writing’s fine, I was just thrown for a loop there for a second.
Tangent -- "Learning to Fly":
Some awkward stuff here and there, but overall very well done. Would have liked a bit more on how Onyago felt when his feet finally left the ground.
GRW810 The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds
Boom shaka laka. Really accomplished the secondary theme. Totally felt like an interlude in the middle of a fantasy world.
Once again, thank you to everyone who submitted.
1. Mike M: Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?
2. GRW810 The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds
3. Tangent -- "Learning to Fly"
HM: Cyan: Herostratos
Chainsawkitten
Member
God damn it. I have to go to sleep and now I'll (yet again) miss on voting and critiquing. This is not ok.
But I promise I'll write up some short comments and post them even if it's after the deadline. This post is here to make sure I keep that promise.
Thanks to all of you who are much better persons than me and actually write this stuff up in time. You're all great.
But I promise I'll write up some short comments and post them even if it's after the deadline. This post is here to make sure I keep that promise.
Thanks to all of you who are much better persons than me and actually write this stuff up in time. You're all great.
Amazing stories this week from absolutely everyone! Took me a half hour to narrow this down to three, and I'm still not really sure.
I should really be better about writing critiques, but I started to tonight and realized that it would take me a good half hour on each story to really get enough of a feel for it to offer anything substantial. I would rather not critique hastily or carelessly, as it's only fair to the writer, who worked so hard to create the story.
In short, I'll try to slot time for critiques next time I work 12 hour days, and it can be hard to find time, and harder to engage my brain after a frustrating day. I know, excuses!
Votes!
1. adj_noun: Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell
2. mu cephei: untitled
3. Tangent: "Learning to Fly"
I should really be better about writing critiques, but I started to tonight and realized that it would take me a good half hour on each story to really get enough of a feel for it to offer anything substantial. I would rather not critique hastily or carelessly, as it's only fair to the writer, who worked so hard to create the story.
In short, I'll try to slot time for critiques next time
I work 12 hour days, and it can be hard to find time, and harder to engage my brain after a frustrating day. I know, excuses!Votes!
1. adj_noun: Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell
2. mu cephei: untitled
3. Tangent: "Learning to Fly"
Ashes1396 - "He's dead." - Ah, an actual sequel! Somehow the Author Philosopher connection kind of hurt this one, I feel. It's a nice piece, and the ending is tops. But I had a hard time taking it altogether seriously.
Tangent - "Learning to Fly" - Really nice story. I won't call it cute, this time. I got a little confused about where everyone was and what was going on at the end with the jump. A teensy bit more explanation there might've helped me out.
GRW810 - "The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds" - Narrator's a bit chatty for my taste. I'm not sure why a frame story was chosen here, given the word limits. Made it hard for me to really connect with either story. Definitely feels like a part of a larger story.
Votes:
1. adj_noun - "Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell"
2. Tangent: "Learning to Fly"
3. Ashes1396 - "He's dead."
HM: mu cephei
Tangent - "Learning to Fly" - Really nice story. I won't call it cute, this time.
I got a little confused about where everyone was and what was going on at the end with the jump. A teensy bit more explanation there might've helped me out.GRW810 - "The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds" - Narrator's a bit chatty for my taste. I'm not sure why a frame story was chosen here, given the word limits. Made it hard for me to really connect with either story. Definitely feels like a part of a larger story.
Votes:
1. adj_noun - "Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell"
2. Tangent: "Learning to Fly"
3. Ashes1396 - "He's dead."
HM: mu cephei
* adj_noun: Gods who reflect us was a beautifully intelligent point.
* Chainsawkitten: It's a bit off. Perhaps lacking in cohesion.
* mu cephei: Lacks a title, lacks an identity, but packs a punch beneath the wounds.
* Cyan: Reminded me of stupid fucking shit made by Sony.
* Ward: Had to roll with the meta all the way up the hill, instead of enjoying the ride downhill.
* multivac: A touch too innocent, but maybe I found it a tad daft.
* Mike M: A more humbled effort. Direction-less story, but pointed the right way prose wise.
* Ashes1396: He's dead. Nope. Past, present, future trilogy is done for the master of time. But time in literature operates in a vacuum.
* Tangent: Evidence of some thought and attempt at literary design, but meandered through the course.
* GRW810: Not tight enough, not trusting enough of the reader, but a decent taster for the main course.
1. Poet wot knows recipe for creating poke-gods.
2. The red wizard wot takes the mick out of the British crown jewels.
3. Fly my pretties.
hm. Hello, is it me you're looking for?
* Chainsawkitten: It's a bit off. Perhaps lacking in cohesion.
* mu cephei: Lacks a title, lacks an identity, but packs a punch beneath the wounds.
* Cyan: Reminded me of stupid fucking shit made by Sony.
* Ward: Had to roll with the meta all the way up the hill, instead of enjoying the ride downhill.
* multivac: A touch too innocent, but maybe I found it a tad daft.
* Mike M: A more humbled effort. Direction-less story, but pointed the right way prose wise.
* Ashes1396: He's dead. Nope. Past, present, future trilogy is done for the master of time. But time in literature operates in a vacuum.
* Tangent: Evidence of some thought and attempt at literary design, but meandered through the course.
* GRW810: Not tight enough, not trusting enough of the reader, but a decent taster for the main course.
1. Poet wot knows recipe for creating poke-gods.
2. The red wizard wot takes the mick out of the British crown jewels.
3. Fly my pretties.
hm. Hello, is it me you're looking for?
Alright, having had time to sleep on it, my votes.
1. adj_noun -- Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell
2. mu cephei -- untitled
3. Cyan -- Herostratus
Cyan's in particular garnered the most reevaluation from me, and while I still stand by everything I said about it previously and I still don't think it *quite* works, the effort was quite commendable and I adore the premise he was going for, so bonus points I guess?
---
And now, critique response corner.
I use too many words a lot : / Past couple entries have tended to come in a bit anemic for my liking, so I puff it up. It's a bad habit that I need to break.
Actually my rough criteria is how much time I give for revision. Everything I write is heavily revised between first and final draft, and in general the more I have a chance to go over it, the more satisfied I am with. Work + baby + other job peak season hasn't left me with a lot of free time for that. I suppose I *could* cut down on the video games, but those are precious precious moments to exploit the fuck out of when I can, damn it.
He was in that situation because he was the victim of an author who conceived of an absurd conversation to have on the phone and needed a framing for it. Heh.
1. adj_noun -- Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell
2. mu cephei -- untitled
3. Cyan -- Herostratus
Cyan's in particular garnered the most reevaluation from me, and while I still stand by everything I said about it previously and I still don't think it *quite* works, the effort was quite commendable and I adore the premise he was going for, so bonus points I guess?
---
And now, critique response corner.
I think the framing was just happenstance resulting from the prompt more than anything. Disinformation/misinformation/misconception are all kissing cousins after all, and I freely admit I flagrantly steered into misconception territory (though I tried to cover it up with a bit about movies being a source of misinformation about payphones. Shhhh, it's a secret.)
I use too many words a lot : / Past couple entries have tended to come in a bit anemic for my liking, so I puff it up. It's a bad habit that I need to break.
My initial draft was basically the dialog and maybe three narrative lines that didn't convey the being stuck in the room part, which I felt the compulsion to expound upon : /
There's honestly practically zero correlation between what I write that I'm pleased with and what other people seem to like. I had a good streak where I was coming in second for a while, now I'm lucky to get maybe one first place vote. I just don't know what you people want!
Actually my rough criteria is how much time I give for revision. Everything I write is heavily revised between first and final draft, and in general the more I have a chance to go over it, the more satisfied I am with. Work + baby + other job peak season hasn't left me with a lot of free time for that. I suppose I *could* cut down on the video games, but those are precious precious moments to exploit the fuck out of when I can, damn it.
Ironically, in my head this was more of an absurdist comedy, though really any sober examination of the scenario reveals that it's actually pretty damned sinister.
Yeah, I basically started with "as a kid, I thought the recorded message on the payphone was a real person calling the instant before you pick up" and struggled to take it anywhere from there. I'm amazed it worked as well as it did.
He was in that situation because he was the victim of an author who conceived of an absurd conversation to have on the phone and needed a framing for it. Heh.
A note on the crits: I think I had a hard time being a reader for the secondary of each entry being part of a running theme. I really like the idea and it was a fun idea to play with, but I think I, as a reader, just need to exercise how to read entries without much backdrop. Nevertheless, it was really fun. And the <1000 were so fun to read. Especially because it meant that reading and critiquing didnt take up the entire weekend and Monday! (Im a slow reader.)
adj_noun -- Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell: I really enjoyed this read; your word choice was almost poetic. For some reason, I couldn't tell if the main character was good or bad in the very beginning, but maybe that was just me. It's true that he was able to show off but as it was described, it was all because of his god, not him. So, was he a poser? But then later it was described that he was actually a good guy, in contrast to the crone. While this was confusing, I liked the confusion, like his goodness was not his own. The best part of all is how well you stuck to the secondary of just rolling with the series style. You threw out names, but I could still follow along well.
Chainsawkitten -- Short Autobiographical Stories: Wow, what an interesting character. I like how obsessive he was with recording everything. Something about the style reminded me of "Frankenstein." I felt at a loss at the end. I was hoping that the MC's efforts or intentions would somehow have some response! Maybe you were going for the series effect! Perhaps that is where the next chapter would pick up. I understand that you can't get the perspective of his crush, since it was his documentation, but I remember wanting to know her perspective! The thing I thought was hilarious was how tame everything was: didn't go through her stuff, somehow got caught up with a church group for the company, etc.
mu cephei -- untitled: This was a great story and I could see how it would fit in a series but for me, it was a little hard to follow without background information. But I could be alone in that. The premise is exciting, and if this were a series, I'd want to read more!
Cyan -- Herostratos: I liked how you played around with this new style! What a pickle for the journalist! I liked the whole concept of your story and the instructional style. I suppose in reality, each section would have much, much more information provided, like examples. But the terse style was nice making the whole thing more sarcastic. My favorite part was the story of the arsonist. But it also seemed to me that the part about maintaining an archive seemed to go against the moral of the arsonist story.
Ward -- Abe Zanarkand's Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Marry: This was such a fun read with a Dick Tracy or Pink Panther style to it. I could practically hear an upright bass play. Some of the lines were so catchy that I wanted to read them twice. Towards the end, it was almost a little too fast paced for me (which is weird for me to say since I love fast-paced) and it made it a little hard to follow but still, I'm just trying to get picky: it still was understandable and flowed well. And I know you were going for the tightly packed word count so well done. My favorite part was the description, interaction, and dialog between the MC and the florist in the beginning.
Multivac -- Will Eat Food for Work: Such a fun read and great narration. Really, the narration was awesome. Brent reminded me of Owen from A Prayer for Owen Meany with all his yelling. Gosh, what a dramatic kid. "I'll never be happy again" and getting so bent out of shape over little things. It was well captured. I'm wondering if he would have called himself "Bet" as a younger child but that's just being overly picky.
Mike M -- Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?: This was so funny. My favorite part was how seemingly calm and patient the MC was in his ironic death trap. What a great attitude. Somewhat frustratingly, was that I really wanted to know why he was in his situation and what was going to happen at the end, but the fact that I felt that way probably just means that this piece was well-written.
Ashes1396 -- He's dead.: Kudos to a great title. One thing I loved about this was how ironic it was that the main character seemed to have so much more intent when he thought everything had been robbed then when he discovered he hadn't. He seemed so confident and driven rather than paralyzed. Also, I liked how you described the transition -- the discovery that he hadn't been robbed, like how you said he saw the robber walk in. The dialog was fun to read: quick and witty. Now I want to go back and re-read your previous entry with "Author." Those dang British accents! So confusing with their "r" sounds!
GRW810 -- The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds: Great job with the "series" effect. I really enjoyed hearing the story from the main character. I liked how the boy tried to amend the situation and died in the process; quite heroic. I didnt quite understand the point of Bronwyn in the story, but felt like maybe there was a larger point that I wasnt getting. She somehow seemed to tie into the story the MC was recounting. Or maybe Im off.
This was sort of a jumble for the different places and HMs...
Votes:
1. Multivac
2. Mike M
3. Ashes
HM: Ward, GRW810
(also, wanted to give a shout out to the authors of some of the new entries. [or at least I think they were new...] They had some AWESOME reads! And great feedback too. Wow. Naturals!)
...
I like the idea of Mike M's "critique response corner." While I won't do specifics, I just wanted to say thanks for the heads up about being more careful when editing. I was running short on time. (Not a good excuse, but there it is.) Will be more careful next time! And, I agree that a lot of events seemed to come out of nowhere. I'm still new to writing fantasy. What I had in my head was some combination of Star Wars (and using the Force within rather than external technology) and Daedalus and Icharus. And, for the setting, I was thinking of something like Hobbitland meets Big Sur, CA meets scattered areas of Kenya. I'll need to work on it. I didn't realize that writing something that is somewhat fantasy-related can be so dang fun. Now I just need to make it make sense.
adj_noun -- Has-No-Home and the Crone of Kira Tell: I really enjoyed this read; your word choice was almost poetic. For some reason, I couldn't tell if the main character was good or bad in the very beginning, but maybe that was just me. It's true that he was able to show off but as it was described, it was all because of his god, not him. So, was he a poser? But then later it was described that he was actually a good guy, in contrast to the crone. While this was confusing, I liked the confusion, like his goodness was not his own. The best part of all is how well you stuck to the secondary of just rolling with the series style. You threw out names, but I could still follow along well.
Chainsawkitten -- Short Autobiographical Stories: Wow, what an interesting character. I like how obsessive he was with recording everything. Something about the style reminded me of "Frankenstein." I felt at a loss at the end. I was hoping that the MC's efforts or intentions would somehow have some response! Maybe you were going for the series effect! Perhaps that is where the next chapter would pick up. I understand that you can't get the perspective of his crush, since it was his documentation, but I remember wanting to know her perspective! The thing I thought was hilarious was how tame everything was: didn't go through her stuff, somehow got caught up with a church group for the company, etc.
mu cephei -- untitled: This was a great story and I could see how it would fit in a series but for me, it was a little hard to follow without background information. But I could be alone in that. The premise is exciting, and if this were a series, I'd want to read more!
Cyan -- Herostratos: I liked how you played around with this new style! What a pickle for the journalist! I liked the whole concept of your story and the instructional style. I suppose in reality, each section would have much, much more information provided, like examples. But the terse style was nice making the whole thing more sarcastic. My favorite part was the story of the arsonist. But it also seemed to me that the part about maintaining an archive seemed to go against the moral of the arsonist story.
Ward -- Abe Zanarkand's Merry Quest to Determine Who Marries Marry: This was such a fun read with a Dick Tracy or Pink Panther style to it. I could practically hear an upright bass play. Some of the lines were so catchy that I wanted to read them twice. Towards the end, it was almost a little too fast paced for me (which is weird for me to say since I love fast-paced) and it made it a little hard to follow but still, I'm just trying to get picky: it still was understandable and flowed well. And I know you were going for the tightly packed word count so well done. My favorite part was the description, interaction, and dialog between the MC and the florist in the beginning.
Multivac -- Will Eat Food for Work: Such a fun read and great narration. Really, the narration was awesome. Brent reminded me of Owen from A Prayer for Owen Meany with all his yelling. Gosh, what a dramatic kid. "I'll never be happy again" and getting so bent out of shape over little things. It was well captured. I'm wondering if he would have called himself "Bet" as a younger child but that's just being overly picky.
Mike M -- Next Time Maybe Try Calling Collect?: This was so funny. My favorite part was how seemingly calm and patient the MC was in his ironic death trap. What a great attitude. Somewhat frustratingly, was that I really wanted to know why he was in his situation and what was going to happen at the end, but the fact that I felt that way probably just means that this piece was well-written.
Ashes1396 -- He's dead.: Kudos to a great title. One thing I loved about this was how ironic it was that the main character seemed to have so much more intent when he thought everything had been robbed then when he discovered he hadn't. He seemed so confident and driven rather than paralyzed. Also, I liked how you described the transition -- the discovery that he hadn't been robbed, like how you said he saw the robber walk in. The dialog was fun to read: quick and witty. Now I want to go back and re-read your previous entry with "Author." Those dang British accents! So confusing with their "r" sounds!
GRW810 -- The Five Orbs of All-Lands - Open Wounds: Great job with the "series" effect. I really enjoyed hearing the story from the main character. I liked how the boy tried to amend the situation and died in the process; quite heroic. I didnt quite understand the point of Bronwyn in the story, but felt like maybe there was a larger point that I wasnt getting. She somehow seemed to tie into the story the MC was recounting. Or maybe Im off.
This was sort of a jumble for the different places and HMs...
Votes:
1. Multivac
2. Mike M
3. Ashes
HM: Ward, GRW810
(also, wanted to give a shout out to the authors of some of the new entries. [or at least I think they were new...] They had some AWESOME reads! And great feedback too. Wow. Naturals!)
I totally was singing that in my head after I gave a title to my story. But I had never seen the video. Trippy!
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I like the idea of Mike M's "critique response corner." While I won't do specifics, I just wanted to say thanks for the heads up about being more careful when editing. I was running short on time.
(Not a good excuse, but there it is.) Will be more careful next time! And, I agree that a lot of events seemed to come out of nowhere. I'm still new to writing fantasy. What I had in my head was some combination of Star Wars (and using the Force within rather than external technology) and Daedalus and Icharus. And, for the setting, I was thinking of something like Hobbitland meets Big Sur, CA meets scattered areas of Kenya. I'll need to work on it. I didn't realize that writing something that is somewhat fantasy-related can be so dang fun. Now I just need to make it make sense.Mike Works
Member
Taking a break from fiction for screenwriting, but loving all the critiques on this page!
Thank you to everyone who gave feedback. It was greatly appreciated.
I gather I'm doing the next thread.
I'm not sure what the protocol is re: juniors and new threads (since I can't post one) and it's pretty late at the moment, so I'll post what I would post in my next post if I could post post-hate. I'd assume someone with posting powers could then turn it into a thread.
Ok, off to bed.
I gather I'm doing the next thread.
I'm not sure what the protocol is re: juniors and new threads (since I can't post one) and it's pretty late at the moment, so I'll post what I would post in my next post if I could post post-hate. I'd assume someone with posting powers could then turn it into a thread.
Ok, off to bed.
Okay, well seeing as adj_noun has eagerly done the maths and calculated his victory, I may as well declare this challenge round complete. Thanks to everyone for responding to the theme, objectives and word count. You produced a very good bunch of tales so give yourselves a pat on the back.
Results:
3. Mike M (5) and Ashes1396 (5)
2. Tangent (11)
and in first place....
*drumroll*
1. adj_noun (20)
Huge win for adj_noun, who is now free to launch the new chal--
--oh, yeah.
Results:
3. Mike M (5) and Ashes1396 (5)
2. Tangent (11)
and in first place....
*drumroll*
1. adj_noun (20)
Huge win for adj_noun, who is now free to launch the new chal--
--oh, yeah.
Mike Works
Member
If any of you have a Kobo/Kindle, I definitely recommend checking out some of GRANTA's issues (short fiction journal based out of Britain).
And it just so happens that the theme of one of their most recent issues (and it has a ton of excellent stories) is betrayal.
And it just so happens that the theme of one of their most recent issues (and it has a ton of excellent stories) is betrayal.
Thanks for all the crits. My apologies for not returning the favor.
I'm glad the piece was fun and enjoyable. I always have a good time writing this character. This is the second Zanarkand story I've submitted to the contest, and fourth or fifth overall entry. He even had a video!
It feeling like a series is probably detective stories seem to run in series more so than anything I did. =)
The writing quality complaints are well-founded. I had the beginning and the end and no middle. It felt more like bullet points that a story.
I'm glad the piece was fun and enjoyable. I always have a good time writing this character. This is the second Zanarkand story I've submitted to the contest, and fourth or fifth overall entry. He even had a video!
It feeling like a series is probably detective stories seem to run in series more so than anything I did. =)
The writing quality complaints are well-founded. I had the beginning and the end and no middle. It felt more like bullet points that a story.
I started dishing out critiques and you flew the coop. ha ha.
Here's the new thread:
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611011
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=611011
Here you go
Almost four years ago we had Writing Challenge #33.
Where I submitted this entry- A Guy, The Devil, & Chess. I hope this link works, I can't check it here.
Which got a film adaptation (by me)- Abe Zanarkand at the Movies.
I hope you enjoy!
A side note, I started adapting another entry (not my own) to film, but got side tracked. I really need to finish it.
- Status