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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #128 - "Folk and Fairy Tales"
- Thread starter hey_monkey
- Start date
- Status
Looks like a typo in the link. This should get you there: https://www.dropbox.com/s/8mqaa40ud8zj0w0/Once upon a time.pdf
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Yeah, thanks for pointing it out, fixed the link.
British Monsoon
Member
1. Squiddy
2. multivac
3. bengraven
HM; everyone else.
Fantastic bunch of entries this time around, I had a ridiculously hard time making my votes.
2. multivac
3. bengraven
HM; everyone else.
Fantastic bunch of entries this time around, I had a ridiculously hard time making my votes.
Cool thanks!
No time to write comments this time which is sad because I could say so many positiv things. Anyway my votes are:
1.) Cyan
2.) SquiddyCracker
3.) Tangent
hm: Ashes1396, multivac, Boootay, Pau... everyone actually.
Really tough decision this week. Every time I put someone in the top three I felt bad for having to kick someone else out. Great stories all around!
1.) Cyan
2.) SquiddyCracker
3.) Tangent
hm: Ashes1396, multivac, Boootay, Pau... everyone actually.
Really tough decision this week. Every time I put someone in the top three I felt bad for having to kick someone else out. Great stories all around!
It pains me that I didnt enter this one, as this theme would have been right up my alley. But if I didnt take it off, I never would have completed my
side project story
. Now that its just down to revision phase though, I can get back in on this action, though Ill probably be skipping out during November to give NaNoWriMo a spin.
Aaron A Rose by Another Name: I had difficulty reconciling the notion that Lily would be so neglected when she was but one of a handful of daughters out of a hundred offspring, especially if the princesses were viewed as nothing more than commodities to be married off to other kingdoms (which was only reemphasized by the king lining up his daughters even though they were already promised to others in the hopes of landing a bigger fish). The tonal shift about the point of the dancing girl being into being a submissive knocked things a bit off kilter, and the subsequent of series of increasingly wacky events where absolutely no one responded appropriately just tipped the whole story onto its side for me. It was humorous, but the ramping up to the absurdism was steep. Maybe with a more generous word count, those things could have been smoothed over. I did appreciate the way you wove together the secondary objective with the fairy tale trope of a princess pretending to be a boy, though.
toddhunter The Fairy Cat Adventure: Im not sure if you were taking diction of a small child making up a story to go with their pictures, or if you are just super in-tune with the way a kids mind thinks and have terrible art skills. I dont think I could recapture that sort of thought process if I tried, even though I can read stuff like Axe Cop and totally remember when that was the sort of logic my brain went with back in the day. If thats what you were shooting for, you nailed it.
chainsawkitten Gra tavlor: I dont speak a word of Swedish, but boy do I love Swedish power metal bands. Go figure. I dont think there was much lost in the translation, with the sole exceptions that its odd to describe the destruction of a painted canvas as breaking it and that I have no idea what a troffle is and Google wasnt particularly helpful. I was imaging some sort of troll or goblin? The whole thing was highly evocative, and the ending was downright upbeat by the standards of your usual contributions. Nice work.
bengraven The Legend of Sole-less Joe: Well, as far as freeform epic poetry goes, it was entirely readable and comprehensible. A bit episodic in nature, but from what little I recall of epic poems (admittedly very little. Beowulf killed the grendel, and then sexed up Angelina Jolie who lives under a lake or something?), thats kind of their stock in trade. I liked the brass ball that soaked up and released sunlight, but in general I felt like the magical powers of the stranger were a bit underdeveloped to the point that the brass ball kind of stood out as being almost odd.
Boootay An Iron Burial: I was most taken with the depiction of the healing of the future apprentice. It was a short part of the overall piece, but you managed to convey a great sense as to how the nature of the sorcerers power worked and the toll it takes. The only thing that I thought was an objective misfire was the bit about her almost cutting the thread with her teeth before opting for the knife, firstly because its absolutely meaningless without the context of the spoiler tagged afterword, and secondly because that is a really rookie mistake for someone whos supposedly been preparing for this day for a long while to almost make.
SquiddyCracker Once Upon a Time: The core concept here of a posthuman race of robots (good god man, you are physically incapable of stopping with the futurism stuff, arent you? Heh heh : )) trying to understand fairy tales viewed through the lens of there no longer being any humans around is pretty golden, I especially appreciated how even the robot who had known humans back in his youth(?) still got shit wrong like having one of the princesses be a political science major. The whole story ultimately resulting largely in bewilderment and confusion is exactly how such a thing would go. Excellent premise, but I couldnt shake the feeling that you were biting your tongue really hard to not spend a lot of the word count explaining how humans had fallen to the wayside at the rise of the Master.
multivac Briar Rabbit: Holy shit, that wizard is a colossal dick. What, exactly, was his endgame here? Letting the girl starve to death to teach her a lesson? Hope that wasnt him disguised as the rabbit, what if she had decided to eat him after all? And the lesson he was trying to impart was to not be so willing to trust people? He felt this was necessary instruction after he rescued the sole survivor of a village that was slaughtered for no reason by people they had mistakenly placed their trust in? That wasnt enough of a lesson for her? For fucking real? Seriously? Well written and all, and you largely hit the same notes of classic fairy tale structure, but all I wanted to do at the end was punch Gandassholf there square in the nuts.
Cyan The Dragon and the Merchants Daughter: I knew exactly how this was all going to go the moment I read the title before I even clicked the link, the endgame obvious the moment coldspells were mentioned. The sardonic inversion of fairy tale structure and conventions has become the norm over the years, its the stuff that plays it straight that you never see any more. None of that is necessarily a criticism, mind you, as I love the shit out of both sides of the fairy tale coin. This was well-constructed and had some enjoyable dialog and all, its just that I feel that theres not really much new to be had under the sun in that approach.
Tangent A Fairy in Search of a Tale: I was with you up until she had to save a drowning sea horse (wut) by giving it something that cause it to rocket fart (double wut) through the sky on a rainbow, at which point I was wondering who had spiked my coffee this morning with LSD. Almost everything thereafter was kaleidoscopic drug trip/dream logic crazy, which can be okay when youre writing a fairy tale since those frequently feature characters who do not respond rationally or appropriately to events in a similar fashion. In this instance though, I think the combination of the seven voyages of Sinbad combined where each voyage seemed to consist of the events of an entire fairy tale in its own right was maybe throwing too much out there. The entire time, I was wondering, why doesnt she just fly to her destination? and chalked it up to it just being too far. But then at the end she flies straight home, mixes up a potion, and flies straight back. Then she explodes.
Pau Chia and the Moon: I know there are commonalities to folk and fairy tales all across the globe, but to me this really felt like something from the Brothers Grimm given a central American flavor, and it was an interesting result. I think it kind of straddled the line between the conventional cadence and pacing of a traditional fairy tale combined with a more contemporary style, but probably needed to pick one or the other. Were kind of front loaded on exposition to the nature of the problem, and then when the actual quest archetype starts up the pacing goes from zero to sixty. I also never really picked up that the moon didnt already go through phases until the very end, but maybe Im just dense.
DumbNameD Everything Under the Sun: Some really stellar imagery and dialog going on in this one (though it perhaps get a bit heavy-handed with dropping the hints about OlNicks identity), but I cant help but feel that that initial plot got lost. We start off with Harry and Patrick waiting to make a deal with the devil at a tree at a cross roads. The devil appears, they have some small talk, and then it seems like they never even broach the subject of seriously making a deal before Satan is literally running off to try and cut a deal with someone else, then runs back to make a deal with yet another character while driving off the guys he was there to make a deal with in the first place. He never even so much as made them a serious offer. Now had they simply been witnesses to Bobbys bargain, thatd be one thing, but the entire reason they were out there in the first place was because Harry set up a meeting. Itd be one thing if there was an offer on the table and Patrick torpedoed it, but they never even got to that point.
Nezumi Tradition: A lot of the same things I said about Cyan apply to this one too, cynical fairy tales are difficult to have a fresh take on. Furthermore, your hook about how the dragon accidentally absconded with the king instead of the princess was almost completely stillborn, you totally ended the story just as it was starting. Your premise could go so, so many places, but instead it just stopped in its tracks. You should give serious consideration to expanding this one to some extent. Id consider reassigning the species of the sidekick, winged kangaroo is just kinda weird unless youre really going to Aussie it up.
Ashes1396 beyond a happy ending or hes not dead: I secretly suspected as much all along! Actually I think Id need to go back and reread the three other stories that came before this to get the full experience out of it, therere clearly multiple callbacks here but I cant remember a lot of it anymore.
Esiquio Where Wishes Grow: I didnt feel like this one quite gelled for me. Im not even sure why Francis had such a bug up his rear after the first visit to the tree. So his brother wished for wisdom and got it, did it just not occur to Francis to wish for something too? Did he make some wish and I just missed it somehow? Did he wish for immortality, is that why hes still such a dire threat to his brothers great grandchild so many years later? This mostly felt like the setup for something more where details would be fleshed in along the way, but as a standalone piece, I dont think the framing and pacing are at all optimized. I did like the description of the wishing tree though, interesting visual image.
Mike M N/A: My own prospective entry would have been about a cigar-chomping tooth fairy named Marv lecturing a child about the virtues of voting union, but that angles been more or less tackled before and I wasnt going to be bringing anything new to it (especially if Im getting down on Cyan and Nezumi for doing something along the same tone), sooo yeah. I really wanted to retell Aesops The Moons Daughter, but I couldnt come up with a way of tackling it that wasnt just rephrasing the original (Which is only a paragraph long or so).
Alright, voting time:
1.) chainsawkitten
2.) Cyan
3.) bengraven
moderately embarrassing, borderline Mary Sue
involving my character from the D&D PbP thread in the community forum
Aaron A Rose by Another Name: I had difficulty reconciling the notion that Lily would be so neglected when she was but one of a handful of daughters out of a hundred offspring, especially if the princesses were viewed as nothing more than commodities to be married off to other kingdoms (which was only reemphasized by the king lining up his daughters even though they were already promised to others in the hopes of landing a bigger fish). The tonal shift about the point of the dancing girl being into being a submissive knocked things a bit off kilter, and the subsequent of series of increasingly wacky events where absolutely no one responded appropriately just tipped the whole story onto its side for me. It was humorous, but the ramping up to the absurdism was steep. Maybe with a more generous word count, those things could have been smoothed over. I did appreciate the way you wove together the secondary objective with the fairy tale trope of a princess pretending to be a boy, though.
toddhunter The Fairy Cat Adventure: Im not sure if you were taking diction of a small child making up a story to go with their pictures, or if you are just super in-tune with the way a kids mind thinks and have terrible art skills. I dont think I could recapture that sort of thought process if I tried, even though I can read stuff like Axe Cop and totally remember when that was the sort of logic my brain went with back in the day. If thats what you were shooting for, you nailed it.
chainsawkitten Gra tavlor: I dont speak a word of Swedish, but boy do I love Swedish power metal bands. Go figure. I dont think there was much lost in the translation, with the sole exceptions that its odd to describe the destruction of a painted canvas as breaking it and that I have no idea what a troffle is and Google wasnt particularly helpful. I was imaging some sort of troll or goblin? The whole thing was highly evocative, and the ending was downright upbeat by the standards of your usual contributions. Nice work.
bengraven The Legend of Sole-less Joe: Well, as far as freeform epic poetry goes, it was entirely readable and comprehensible. A bit episodic in nature, but from what little I recall of epic poems (admittedly very little. Beowulf killed the grendel, and then sexed up Angelina Jolie who lives under a lake or something?), thats kind of their stock in trade. I liked the brass ball that soaked up and released sunlight, but in general I felt like the magical powers of the stranger were a bit underdeveloped to the point that the brass ball kind of stood out as being almost odd.
Boootay An Iron Burial: I was most taken with the depiction of the healing of the future apprentice. It was a short part of the overall piece, but you managed to convey a great sense as to how the nature of the sorcerers power worked and the toll it takes. The only thing that I thought was an objective misfire was the bit about her almost cutting the thread with her teeth before opting for the knife, firstly because its absolutely meaningless without the context of the spoiler tagged afterword, and secondly because that is a really rookie mistake for someone whos supposedly been preparing for this day for a long while to almost make.
SquiddyCracker Once Upon a Time: The core concept here of a posthuman race of robots (good god man, you are physically incapable of stopping with the futurism stuff, arent you? Heh heh : )) trying to understand fairy tales viewed through the lens of there no longer being any humans around is pretty golden, I especially appreciated how even the robot who had known humans back in his youth(?) still got shit wrong like having one of the princesses be a political science major. The whole story ultimately resulting largely in bewilderment and confusion is exactly how such a thing would go. Excellent premise, but I couldnt shake the feeling that you were biting your tongue really hard to not spend a lot of the word count explaining how humans had fallen to the wayside at the rise of the Master.
multivac Briar Rabbit: Holy shit, that wizard is a colossal dick. What, exactly, was his endgame here? Letting the girl starve to death to teach her a lesson? Hope that wasnt him disguised as the rabbit, what if she had decided to eat him after all? And the lesson he was trying to impart was to not be so willing to trust people? He felt this was necessary instruction after he rescued the sole survivor of a village that was slaughtered for no reason by people they had mistakenly placed their trust in? That wasnt enough of a lesson for her? For fucking real? Seriously? Well written and all, and you largely hit the same notes of classic fairy tale structure, but all I wanted to do at the end was punch Gandassholf there square in the nuts.
Cyan The Dragon and the Merchants Daughter: I knew exactly how this was all going to go the moment I read the title before I even clicked the link, the endgame obvious the moment coldspells were mentioned. The sardonic inversion of fairy tale structure and conventions has become the norm over the years, its the stuff that plays it straight that you never see any more. None of that is necessarily a criticism, mind you, as I love the shit out of both sides of the fairy tale coin. This was well-constructed and had some enjoyable dialog and all, its just that I feel that theres not really much new to be had under the sun in that approach.
Tangent A Fairy in Search of a Tale: I was with you up until she had to save a drowning sea horse (wut) by giving it something that cause it to rocket fart (double wut) through the sky on a rainbow, at which point I was wondering who had spiked my coffee this morning with LSD. Almost everything thereafter was kaleidoscopic drug trip/dream logic crazy, which can be okay when youre writing a fairy tale since those frequently feature characters who do not respond rationally or appropriately to events in a similar fashion. In this instance though, I think the combination of the seven voyages of Sinbad combined where each voyage seemed to consist of the events of an entire fairy tale in its own right was maybe throwing too much out there. The entire time, I was wondering, why doesnt she just fly to her destination? and chalked it up to it just being too far. But then at the end she flies straight home, mixes up a potion, and flies straight back. Then she explodes.
Pau Chia and the Moon: I know there are commonalities to folk and fairy tales all across the globe, but to me this really felt like something from the Brothers Grimm given a central American flavor, and it was an interesting result. I think it kind of straddled the line between the conventional cadence and pacing of a traditional fairy tale combined with a more contemporary style, but probably needed to pick one or the other. Were kind of front loaded on exposition to the nature of the problem, and then when the actual quest archetype starts up the pacing goes from zero to sixty. I also never really picked up that the moon didnt already go through phases until the very end, but maybe Im just dense.
DumbNameD Everything Under the Sun: Some really stellar imagery and dialog going on in this one (though it perhaps get a bit heavy-handed with dropping the hints about OlNicks identity), but I cant help but feel that that initial plot got lost. We start off with Harry and Patrick waiting to make a deal with the devil at a tree at a cross roads. The devil appears, they have some small talk, and then it seems like they never even broach the subject of seriously making a deal before Satan is literally running off to try and cut a deal with someone else, then runs back to make a deal with yet another character while driving off the guys he was there to make a deal with in the first place. He never even so much as made them a serious offer. Now had they simply been witnesses to Bobbys bargain, thatd be one thing, but the entire reason they were out there in the first place was because Harry set up a meeting. Itd be one thing if there was an offer on the table and Patrick torpedoed it, but they never even got to that point.
Nezumi Tradition: A lot of the same things I said about Cyan apply to this one too, cynical fairy tales are difficult to have a fresh take on. Furthermore, your hook about how the dragon accidentally absconded with the king instead of the princess was almost completely stillborn, you totally ended the story just as it was starting. Your premise could go so, so many places, but instead it just stopped in its tracks. You should give serious consideration to expanding this one to some extent. Id consider reassigning the species of the sidekick, winged kangaroo is just kinda weird unless youre really going to Aussie it up.
Also, kangaroos cant move their feet independently of each other on land, so he couldnt have been tapping only the one foot.
Ashes1396 beyond a happy ending or hes not dead: I secretly suspected as much all along! Actually I think Id need to go back and reread the three other stories that came before this to get the full experience out of it, therere clearly multiple callbacks here but I cant remember a lot of it anymore.
Esiquio Where Wishes Grow: I didnt feel like this one quite gelled for me. Im not even sure why Francis had such a bug up his rear after the first visit to the tree. So his brother wished for wisdom and got it, did it just not occur to Francis to wish for something too? Did he make some wish and I just missed it somehow? Did he wish for immortality, is that why hes still such a dire threat to his brothers great grandchild so many years later? This mostly felt like the setup for something more where details would be fleshed in along the way, but as a standalone piece, I dont think the framing and pacing are at all optimized. I did like the description of the wishing tree though, interesting visual image.
Mike M N/A: My own prospective entry would have been about a cigar-chomping tooth fairy named Marv lecturing a child about the virtues of voting union, but that angles been more or less tackled before and I wasnt going to be bringing anything new to it (especially if Im getting down on Cyan and Nezumi for doing something along the same tone), sooo yeah. I really wanted to retell Aesops The Moons Daughter, but I couldnt come up with a way of tackling it that wasnt just rephrasing the original (Which is only a paragraph long or so).
Alright, voting time:
1.) chainsawkitten
2.) Cyan
3.) bengraven
SquiddyCracker
Banned
1. Aaron
2. Pau
3. Multivac
HM: Really everyone else. I had a really hard time selecting the top three, and if I were to do it again tomorrow I'm sure the line-up would be different. But I went with gut instinct, take on theme, and how much enjoyment I had whilst reading your entries.
Good stuff.
I've almost gotten stuck in a rut with the futurity stuff
I was semi-considering pruning the story down even further to get rid of mentions of the master, but left it in anyway as it made for a reasonable explanation as to why there weren't humans around.
I do have a hard time staying away from world building, as evidenced by my first draft being filled with made-up terms and more general mythology hints, but I tried this time to read my stuff from the POV of someone without immediate understanding of the fictional terminology & concepts. I spent ages agonizing about whether or not to call their eyes photoreceptors, and in the end compromised with some initial exposition (that I found a bit clumsy imho).
2. Pau
3. Multivac
HM: Really everyone else. I had a really hard time selecting the top three, and if I were to do it again tomorrow I'm sure the line-up would be different. But I went with gut instinct, take on theme, and how much enjoyment I had whilst reading your entries.
Good stuff.
I've almost gotten stuck in a rut with the futurity stuff
I was semi-considering pruning the story down even further to get rid of mentions of the master, but left it in anyway as it made for a reasonable explanation as to why there weren't humans around.
I do have a hard time staying away from world building, as evidenced by my first draft being filled with made-up terms and more general mythology hints, but I tried this time to read my stuff from the POV of someone without immediate understanding of the fictional terminology & concepts. I spent ages agonizing about whether or not to call their eyes photoreceptors, and in the end compromised with some initial exposition (that I found a bit clumsy imho).
toddhunter
Member
Very hard to judge this week due to the quality and diversity. We almost need category awards.
1. Pau
2. Cyan
3. Tangent
HM: really everybody else.
1. Pau
2. Cyan
3. Tangent
HM: really everybody else.
bengraven
Member
I should have probably left it out since I had little time to develop that the stranger messes around in magic. But I'm glad you liked my first attempt at an epic poem!
Votes:
1- multivac
2- Pau
3- Nezumi
Comments:
toddhunter - needed more ponycorns.
Chainsawkitten - doesn't feel like a fairy tale, and came across to me as something still half formed.
bengraven - the style made it hard for me to follow. sometimes it was hard to tell how one sentence went into the next.
Bootaaay - too many ideas for a strict word count. I also found it odd that the friar would be a skeptic.
SquiddyCracker - while the robots make for delightful characters, the story within a story is just a distraction, preventing those characters from becoming something.
multivac - it's a good little tale starting in a grisly place. only real flaw is the main character isn't distinct from typical frightened little girl.
Cyan - I liked the main character a lot, but her interaction with the dragon lacked urgency for me. I wanted their conversation tighter and more earnest.
Tangent - I found the pictures distracting, but the words were good. I would have liked less experiences in more detail, but it ends in a nice place.
Pau - It's a strong story that flows right to the end. The actual writing is a little plain and could use more polish.
DumbNameD - While you still write fine dialogue, this one takes too long to get to the point, and it's over before it starts.
Nezumi - A neat story with a smile worthy ending, but I think it would have benefited from the first person perspective of this put upon dragon.
Ashes1396 - I remembered the original story these characters are from, but not enough to really grasp what was going on here.
Esiquio - Comes as a mixed message to me since the 'bad' brother still got to be king.
1- multivac
2- Pau
3- Nezumi
Comments:
toddhunter - needed more ponycorns.
Chainsawkitten - doesn't feel like a fairy tale, and came across to me as something still half formed.
bengraven - the style made it hard for me to follow. sometimes it was hard to tell how one sentence went into the next.
Bootaaay - too many ideas for a strict word count. I also found it odd that the friar would be a skeptic.
SquiddyCracker - while the robots make for delightful characters, the story within a story is just a distraction, preventing those characters from becoming something.
multivac - it's a good little tale starting in a grisly place. only real flaw is the main character isn't distinct from typical frightened little girl.
Cyan - I liked the main character a lot, but her interaction with the dragon lacked urgency for me. I wanted their conversation tighter and more earnest.
Tangent - I found the pictures distracting, but the words were good. I would have liked less experiences in more detail, but it ends in a nice place.
Pau - It's a strong story that flows right to the end. The actual writing is a little plain and could use more polish.
DumbNameD - While you still write fine dialogue, this one takes too long to get to the point, and it's over before it starts.
Nezumi - A neat story with a smile worthy ending, but I think it would have benefited from the first person perspective of this put upon dragon.
Ashes1396 - I remembered the original story these characters are from, but not enough to really grasp what was going on here.
Esiquio - Comes as a mixed message to me since the 'bad' brother still got to be king.
Votes:
1. Aaron - I thought you captured the tone of a fairy tale very well and the twist at the end was neat.
2. Nezumi - I laughed at the combination of a dragon and kangaroo. Just seemed like such an odd couple, but in a good way. It reminded me of Wrede's Talking to Dragons. Silly, short, and sweet.
3. Squiddy - I loved your framing device for the story, but I do feel like too much time was spent on it. Or rather, it overwhelmed the story itself. Separately the two worked, but the integration of both needs more work.
toddhunter - Like Aaron said, I can totally see a little kid telling me this story. I also want to live in Cat Sparkle.
chainsawkitten - Maybe it's because i suffer from depression, but I saw this as a really good allegory for the illness. But I don't think it fit so much into the theme.
bengraven - I'll admit that I'm biased against verse. It's just really hard for me to comprehend verse in English, so that affects my ability to enjoy it. When I did understand what was going on, I liked it. So on the one hand, I think verse is a very valid choice to use for such a theme and a difficult one at that, but on the other, it's just really hard for me to read.
Bootaaay - The story felt rather disjointed, and just when it started getting really interesting with the details of the magic ceremony, it ended.
multivac - I too had a hard time understanding why the wizard acted the way he did. He just made me angry.
Cyan - I loved the main character's motivation. (Screw the prince, I want power!) But otherwise it was very standard fair as far as dragon confrontations go.
Tangent - The types of adventures the fairy went on felt very sporadic and disjointed. Maybe that was the point.
DumbNameD - I liked the dialogue and how you established the setting but it was hard to tell where this was going. It didn't feel so much as a complete story as setting the stage for something else.
Ashes - I had a hard time following this and who everyone was.
Esiquio - I liked the framing device you used, as well as the imagery of the tree but because of the framing device, it felt like the tale itself was uncompleted.
Anyways, this was pretty exciting! It's the first time I've participated in one of these, and I was impressed with the variety of ways people tackled the theme.
1. Aaron - I thought you captured the tone of a fairy tale very well and the twist at the end was neat.
2. Nezumi - I laughed at the combination of a dragon and kangaroo. Just seemed like such an odd couple, but in a good way. It reminded me of Wrede's Talking to Dragons. Silly, short, and sweet.
3. Squiddy - I loved your framing device for the story, but I do feel like too much time was spent on it. Or rather, it overwhelmed the story itself. Separately the two worked, but the integration of both needs more work.
toddhunter - Like Aaron said, I can totally see a little kid telling me this story. I also want to live in Cat Sparkle.
chainsawkitten - Maybe it's because i suffer from depression, but I saw this as a really good allegory for the illness. But I don't think it fit so much into the theme.
bengraven - I'll admit that I'm biased against verse.
It's just really hard for me to comprehend verse in English, so that affects my ability to enjoy it. When I did understand what was going on, I liked it. So on the one hand, I think verse is a very valid choice to use for such a theme and a difficult one at that, but on the other, it's just really hard for me to read. Bootaaay - The story felt rather disjointed, and just when it started getting really interesting with the details of the magic ceremony, it ended.
multivac - I too had a hard time understanding why the wizard acted the way he did. He just made me angry.
Cyan - I loved the main character's motivation. (Screw the prince, I want power!) But otherwise it was very standard fair as far as dragon confrontations go.
Tangent - The types of adventures the fairy went on felt very sporadic and disjointed. Maybe that was the point.
DumbNameD - I liked the dialogue and how you established the setting but it was hard to tell where this was going. It didn't feel so much as a complete story as setting the stage for something else.
Ashes - I had a hard time following this and who everyone was.
Esiquio - I liked the framing device you used, as well as the imagery of the tree but because of the framing device, it felt like the tale itself was uncompleted.
Anyways, this was pretty exciting! It's the first time I've participated in one of these, and I was impressed with the variety of ways people tackled the theme.
Tangent's having problems staying logged in, so:
Votes:
1. Pau -- liked the simplicity, and elegance, and strength of this story.
2. Aaron
3. Cyan
hm. multiv, nezumi, thunter, squidworth, chainsaw
Comments
Aaron: This reminded me of a true story I read about a girl in the Middle East somewhere (and it also reminded me of the Disney movie, Mulan.). It was captivated the entire time but was surprised that there wasnt much of a reaction when Lilly revealed that she was female.
Toddhunter: Loved this!!! You did such a swell job and your illustrations are awesome, particular the facial expressions and the spray-painted tails. It reminded me of the website: hyperboleandahalf.
Chainsawkitten: This was a beautiful story and very poetic. I wish I could read the Swedish version since I wonder if the English version leaves out even more of that poetry feel. My favorite part was the opening and the end, but for me, it lost a bit of its capturing style in the middle, but it could be me.
Bengraven: I liked your choice of writing this as a poem. There were parts of it that were a little difficult to read, but then again, I was reading it on a bumpy train ride.
Bootaaay: this reminded me a bit of The Magicians by Lev Grossman. I liked how you talked about the healing power, but there were some actions that seemed a little out of place. (I should be talking, right? With my story and all.)
SquiddyCracker: Really fantastic idea! I had trouble following bits of it but overall this was refreshing and creative. Im sorry Im not providing more detail in my crit.
Multivac: The fact that this evoked strong emotions is telling of how great your story was. And I liked the title.
Cyan: I really liked the start of this story, I was sold. There were also certain little lines that were thoughtful and zesty. One thing I missed out on a little was knowing a bit more about how the Merchants Daughter felt. She seemed to be a little void of character, as compared to the dragon, whom I felt I got a sense of pretty well. I also liked how you described his head-to-the-side shrug. I can picture a dragon doing that.
Tangent: Lay off the drugs!
Pau: This was so incredibly beautiful. I bet you could edit this and publish it. I loved it. Plus I liked the name chia even though it makes me think of chia seeds (which I like).
DumbNameD: I liked how you wrote Damn skippy. I got a little confused with Satans role, but it could just be me.
Nezumi: Brilliant to write a story in the dragons perspective. Were all trapped in our systems, arent we?! Very well done.
Ashes1396: AP is back again! I would like to write more but Im fading and have to go to work!
Esiquio: I like the title! And I liked how you vividly described the wishing tree beautiful.
Quoting MikeM:
Tangent A Fairy in Search of a Tale: I was with you up until she had to save a drowning sea horse (wut) by giving it something that cause it to rocket fart (double wut) through the sky on a rainbow, at which point I was wondering who had spiked my coffee this morning with LSD. Almost everything thereafter was kaleidoscopic drug trip/dream logic crazy, which can be okay when youre writing a fairy tale since those frequently feature characters who do not respond rationally or appropriately to events in a similar fashion. In this instance though, I think the combination of the seven voyages of Sinbad combined where each voyage seemed to consist of the events of an entire fairy tale in its own right was maybe throwing too much out there. The entire time, I was wondering, why doesnt she just fly to her destination? and chalked it up to it just being too far. But then at the end she flies straight home, mixes up a potion, and flies straight back. Then she explodes.
This cracked me up. Especially because I felt like I had drank coffee spiked with LSD when I wrote this. It was sorta rad. I also think its funny how you said you were with me up until what was described as the 2nd paragraph. Lol! And youre right: I guess she could have flown but then she wouldnt have had the required 7 voyages that she didnt even want to take! But funny how she sped home, sped back, and exploded. I like how you describe that. Lol!
Votes:
1. Pau -- liked the simplicity, and elegance, and strength of this story.
2. Aaron
3. Cyan
hm. multiv, nezumi, thunter, squidworth, chainsaw
Comments
Aaron: This reminded me of a true story I read about a girl in the Middle East somewhere (and it also reminded me of the Disney movie, Mulan.). It was captivated the entire time but was surprised that there wasnt much of a reaction when Lilly revealed that she was female.
Toddhunter: Loved this!!! You did such a swell job and your illustrations are awesome, particular the facial expressions and the spray-painted tails. It reminded me of the website: hyperboleandahalf.
Chainsawkitten: This was a beautiful story and very poetic. I wish I could read the Swedish version since I wonder if the English version leaves out even more of that poetry feel. My favorite part was the opening and the end, but for me, it lost a bit of its capturing style in the middle, but it could be me.
Bengraven: I liked your choice of writing this as a poem. There were parts of it that were a little difficult to read, but then again, I was reading it on a bumpy train ride.
Bootaaay: this reminded me a bit of The Magicians by Lev Grossman. I liked how you talked about the healing power, but there were some actions that seemed a little out of place. (I should be talking, right? With my story and all.)
SquiddyCracker: Really fantastic idea! I had trouble following bits of it but overall this was refreshing and creative. Im sorry Im not providing more detail in my crit.
Multivac: The fact that this evoked strong emotions is telling of how great your story was. And I liked the title.
Cyan: I really liked the start of this story, I was sold. There were also certain little lines that were thoughtful and zesty. One thing I missed out on a little was knowing a bit more about how the Merchants Daughter felt. She seemed to be a little void of character, as compared to the dragon, whom I felt I got a sense of pretty well. I also liked how you described his head-to-the-side shrug. I can picture a dragon doing that.
Tangent: Lay off the drugs!
Pau: This was so incredibly beautiful. I bet you could edit this and publish it. I loved it. Plus I liked the name chia even though it makes me think of chia seeds (which I like).
DumbNameD: I liked how you wrote Damn skippy. I got a little confused with Satans role, but it could just be me.
Nezumi: Brilliant to write a story in the dragons perspective. Were all trapped in our systems, arent we?! Very well done.
Ashes1396: AP is back again! I would like to write more but Im fading and have to go to work!
Esiquio: I like the title! And I liked how you vividly described the wishing tree beautiful.
Quoting MikeM:
Tangent A Fairy in Search of a Tale: I was with you up until she had to save a drowning sea horse (wut) by giving it something that cause it to rocket fart (double wut) through the sky on a rainbow, at which point I was wondering who had spiked my coffee this morning with LSD. Almost everything thereafter was kaleidoscopic drug trip/dream logic crazy, which can be okay when youre writing a fairy tale since those frequently feature characters who do not respond rationally or appropriately to events in a similar fashion. In this instance though, I think the combination of the seven voyages of Sinbad combined where each voyage seemed to consist of the events of an entire fairy tale in its own right was maybe throwing too much out there. The entire time, I was wondering, why doesnt she just fly to her destination? and chalked it up to it just being too far. But then at the end she flies straight home, mixes up a potion, and flies straight back. Then she explodes.
This cracked me up. Especially because I felt like I had drank coffee spiked with LSD when I wrote this. It was sorta rad. I also think its funny how you said you were with me up until what was described as the 2nd paragraph. Lol! And youre right: I guess she could have flown but then she wouldnt have had the required 7 voyages that she didnt even want to take! But funny how she sped home, sped back, and exploded. I like how you describe that. Lol!
Cyan's Votes:
1. multivac - "Briar Rabbit" - not really a complete story, but wonderfully constructed and written
2. Boootay - "An iron Burial" - you're right that it's a bit too much packed into too small a space, but it's interesting and clever
3. chainsawkitten - "Grå tavlor" - it does feel a bit different than your usual stories, pacing-wise. Do we have any writing-GAFers who understand Swedish? I'm curious how differently it might read.
HM:
Pau - "Chia and the Moon" - very mythical, I liked that. Maybe too easy to defeat the witch at the end. A problem I'm all too familiar with.
DND - your dialogue was as crackling as always, but this felt a bit thin compared to your usual.
1. multivac - "Briar Rabbit" - not really a complete story, but wonderfully constructed and written
2. Boootay - "An iron Burial" - you're right that it's a bit too much packed into too small a space, but it's interesting and clever
3. chainsawkitten - "Grå tavlor" - it does feel a bit different than your usual stories, pacing-wise. Do we have any writing-GAFers who understand Swedish? I'm curious how differently it might read.
HM:
Pau - "Chia and the Moon" - very mythical, I liked that. Maybe too easy to defeat the witch at the end. A problem I'm all too familiar with.
DND - your dialogue was as crackling as always, but this felt a bit thin compared to your usual.
User 100115
Banned
I am so sad I didn't get to enter this one, just got back online after to move yesterday . Ah well. Whoever wins better make a great theme! /nopressure
. Ah well. Whoever wins better make a great theme! /nopressureAaron Really enjoyable story to read. Ill read it to my kids, and Im sure theyd like it. You definitely took the secondary objective and made it a good story. The absurdity just got more and more pronounced, and funnier as the story went on. I thought for certain the story would shift when the main character revealed herself as a female, and was surprised that nothing came of it.
Toodhunter lol. No really, I lold reading that. Please do more.
Chainsawkitten I like what you did within some really tight confines of storytelling that you gave yourself. You had only one character, one house (mostly just one room), and one main activity, painting. Yet you were able to tell a sufficiently depressing story with it.
Bengraven Your submission was really uneven for me. Some parts were difficult to read, and to tell what was actually going on. Other parts, like when the man fights with the demon, were well done and enjoyable to read. I appreciate the fact that you went for an epic poem style, it was a refreshing change.
Boootay You and I had the same problem, I think, with stories that were just too big for the 1600 word-limit afforded to us. That said, some awesome concepts you had, like transferring the pain/brokenness to the old man, then to the tree. I think that he taught that young woman how to do the same, or at least how to defeat the demon, correct? It was the kind of story that felt like there was more on the edges of the page, and as it wrapped up I found myself enjoying it more and more.
SquiddyCracker Haha man, good work with the robots telling a ye old fairy tale. I enjoyed both the story, and the story within a story, though it did seem to end a little suddenly.
Multivac Really enjoyed this one. I kind of saw the ending coming, but for a moment I thought that perhaps the rabbit was the wizard, who had transformed himself and gotten caught. That said, the writing was good and you told a story with a lesson. It felt like a fairy tale, but had a different flavor to it that I found enjoyable.
Cyan Dont know what else to say besides that you always impress, Cyan. Seriously, your writing is consistently fantastic. All the touches you had, like the main character noticing the broken cookware, the description of things, the opening and closing with a little different kind of feel, the dialogue, it was all damn rock-solid writing and I enjoyed every line. The coldspell ending was particularly awesome, what a cool idea! Please tell me you have something published by now. Sad I couldnt make the Bay Area GAF meet a few days ago, dying to go to the next one and hang out!
Tangent Story started off weird, got weirder, but made me smile all the while. I got a good laugh by the time I got to the picture of the gnome; that just did it in for me. The story settled down by the time she got to the gnomes cave and I rather enjoyed the ending (and illustrations"*)
*Pictures stolen randomly from Google searches
Pau Wow. So you say you havent written anything in years? That was a really, really well-done short story. The culture, backstory, just the way it felt like a real fable you would imagine existing in an older culture, was great. I especially liked the ending explanation of the why there is a new moon and the timing of it, haha! Please write more stories!
DumbNameD This one didnt feel really like a fairy tale, and I think I really missed the point of the story. But I typically dont go for the all-dialogue type writing, its just personally not my thing, though the dialogue had some funny moments and was done decently.
Nezumi I like that you used the dragons perspective. Not only that, but you addressed typical tropes like the virgin thing, and sleeping on a pile of treasure with funny thoughts and opinions from the dragon.
Ashes I liked the story, but I feel like I completely did not understand it. I will have to re-read it tomorrow. I would like some authors notes!
1 Cyan
2 Pau
3 Boootay
HM: Multivac
Toodhunter lol. No really, I lold reading that. Please do more.
Chainsawkitten I like what you did within some really tight confines of storytelling that you gave yourself. You had only one character, one house (mostly just one room), and one main activity, painting. Yet you were able to tell a sufficiently depressing story with it.
Bengraven Your submission was really uneven for me. Some parts were difficult to read, and to tell what was actually going on. Other parts, like when the man fights with the demon, were well done and enjoyable to read. I appreciate the fact that you went for an epic poem style, it was a refreshing change.
Boootay You and I had the same problem, I think, with stories that were just too big for the 1600 word-limit afforded to us. That said, some awesome concepts you had, like transferring the pain/brokenness to the old man, then to the tree. I think that he taught that young woman how to do the same, or at least how to defeat the demon, correct? It was the kind of story that felt like there was more on the edges of the page, and as it wrapped up I found myself enjoying it more and more.
SquiddyCracker Haha man, good work with the robots telling a ye old fairy tale. I enjoyed both the story, and the story within a story, though it did seem to end a little suddenly.
Multivac Really enjoyed this one. I kind of saw the ending coming, but for a moment I thought that perhaps the rabbit was the wizard, who had transformed himself and gotten caught. That said, the writing was good and you told a story with a lesson. It felt like a fairy tale, but had a different flavor to it that I found enjoyable.
Cyan Dont know what else to say besides that you always impress, Cyan. Seriously, your writing is consistently fantastic. All the touches you had, like the main character noticing the broken cookware, the description of things, the opening and closing with a little different kind of feel, the dialogue, it was all damn rock-solid writing and I enjoyed every line. The coldspell ending was particularly awesome, what a cool idea! Please tell me you have something published by now. Sad I couldnt make the Bay Area GAF meet a few days ago, dying to go to the next one and hang out!
Tangent Story started off weird, got weirder, but made me smile all the while. I got a good laugh by the time I got to the picture of the gnome; that just did it in for me. The story settled down by the time she got to the gnomes cave and I rather enjoyed the ending (and illustrations"*)
*Pictures stolen randomly from Google searches
Pau Wow. So you say you havent written anything in years? That was a really, really well-done short story. The culture, backstory, just the way it felt like a real fable you would imagine existing in an older culture, was great. I especially liked the ending explanation of the why there is a new moon and the timing of it, haha! Please write more stories!
DumbNameD This one didnt feel really like a fairy tale, and I think I really missed the point of the story. But I typically dont go for the all-dialogue type writing, its just personally not my thing, though the dialogue had some funny moments and was done decently.
Nezumi I like that you used the dragons perspective. Not only that, but you addressed typical tropes like the virgin thing, and sleeping on a pile of treasure with funny thoughts and opinions from the dragon.
Ashes I liked the story, but I feel like I completely did not understand it. I will have to re-read it tomorrow. I would like some authors notes!
1 Cyan
2 Pau
3 Boootay
HM: Multivac
Maaaan, I've gone back and forth for hours on these picks while I procrastinated across the internet, so now I've got to just make some picks. Such a strong field today, I enjoyed them all!
1. SquiddyCracker
2. Nezumi
3. Cyan
Well, she did go off with the first person (a stranger) she met after her village was sacked, and then proceeded to agree to do whatever he wished without question, so I think it's reasonable that the wizard felt there was a lesson to teach her before she became his apprentice.
1. SquiddyCracker
2. Nezumi
3. Cyan
Well, she did go off with the first person (a stranger) she met after her village was sacked, and then proceeded to agree to do whatever he wished without question, so I think it's reasonable that the wizard felt there was a lesson to teach her before she became his apprentice.
1. multivac
2. Ashes
3. bengraven
2. Ashes
3. bengraven
Cut like 700 words, including a longer reasoning for why they were out there (they were waiting for a ride). Might have been more but never wrote something to bridge the handshake to the epilogue since I knew I had to cut stuff. Mulled over a complete restructure but ended up just staying the course for this go-around.
The Results:
1st Place (tie): multivac - "Briar Rabbit"
1st Place (tie): Pau - "Chia and the Moon"
1st Place (tie): Cyan - "The Dragon and the Merchant's Daughter"
Vote Count:
multivac - 12 (3)
Pau - 12 (2)
Cyan - 12 (2)
SquiddyBiscuit - 9 (2)
Aaron - 8 (2)
Nezumi - 5
chainsawkitten - 4 (1)
Bootaaay - 3
bengraven - 3
Tangent - 2
Ashes - 2
multivac has more 1st place votes and so wins the tiebreaker. Congrats, multivac! And congrats to Pau, as well: first try and a first place!
1st Place (tie): multivac - "Briar Rabbit"
1st Place (tie): Pau - "Chia and the Moon"
1st Place (tie): Cyan - "The Dragon and the Merchant's Daughter"
Vote Count:
multivac - 12 (3)
Pau - 12 (2)
Cyan - 12 (2)
SquiddyBiscuit - 9 (2)
Aaron - 8 (2)
Nezumi - 5
chainsawkitten - 4 (1)
Bootaaay - 3
bengraven - 3
Tangent - 2
Ashes - 2
multivac has more 1st place votes and so wins the tiebreaker. Congrats, multivac! And congrats to Pau, as well: first try and a first place!
bengraven
Member
Congrats guys - damn, the stories are getting so good, especially after my last disappearance. I'm telling you, we need to do a short story compilation someday down the road.
Or multiple ones and do ebooks.
That is awesome! You should do something special for this - maybe collaborate?
Also, glad people seemed to like my story, though the epic poem style wasn't for everyone. It was my first time and an experiment. I just wanted to write something in my "Stranger" universe and share with you guys. That was going to be the prologue to my novel "Stranger" for the longest time, but I may just rework it into a short story someday. You got the gist of the world building though! Cowboys, demons, demon hunters, magic, Native American spirits. The gamut!
It's also loosely tied into my first western short story here - originally the hall was going to be Snakewater, the village that dies out and the Four Horsemen ride to avenge it, but I went full on Beowulf instead.
Or multiple ones and do ebooks.
That is awesome! You should do something special for this - maybe collaborate?
Also, glad people seemed to like my story, though the epic poem style wasn't for everyone. It was my first time and an experiment. I just wanted to write something in my "Stranger" universe and share with you guys. That was going to be the prologue to my novel "Stranger" for the longest time, but I may just rework it into a short story someday. You got the gist of the world building though! Cowboys, demons, demon hunters, magic, Native American spirits. The gamut!
It's also loosely tied into my first western short story here - originally the hall was going to be Snakewater, the village that dies out and the Four Horsemen ride to avenge it, but I went full on Beowulf instead.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
multivac is reigns supreme!
Congratulations Pau on your first try
Congratulations Pau on your first try
New challenge is up. Hope you all enjoy it! http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=674385
Chainsawkitten
Member
That's one of the things I wasn't able to translate. The Swedish word is 'knytt' as in 'Knytt Stories' or Tove Jansson's stuff. It's a counterpart to 'oknytt', which's closest translation would be goblin but it's not really accurate (oknytt is a much broader term). Here's a screenshot from the game Oknytt about them. The translation in Tove Jansson's work is 'toffle' but it doesn't make much sense since there's no such thing as an 'untoffle'.
Well, it's not meant to be a fairy tale/folk tale but rather the main character is obsessed with painting creatures from various folk tales and Swedish folklore so that's the way it ties into the theme rather than being a fairy tale/folk tale itself.
I completely ignored the secondary objective, though, as it didn't appeal to me much. Reverting a trope is still using a trope and whereas using tropes is perfectly fine if it benefits the story, I don't personally like using them as a starting point.
I think that when writing a short story, especially one with a relatively low word count, you should make things as simple as possible and only add new characters and locations if it's strictly necessary. I guess I take a rather reductionist approach to writing (in those particular areas, at least; perhaps not so much in others).
Ah, I'd wondered if it was in that world. I enjoyed the style, but ultimately couldn't vote for it since I had so much trouble tracking what was going on and who was doing what for the middle portion of it.
I'm not sure what went wrong. A.P. and Poeta dabbled with time in a past story, so this time I took all the power they supposedly had and gave it back to the universe. It was a week in the life of a "widow", albeit someone incredibly powerful. Each day's events were inspired by the days of the week themselves. E.g Monday = moon's day.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Names_of_the_days_of_the_week
I enjoyed writing about how a person develops a harsher view of life post traumatic experiences, and thinks that this newer stance is objectively, er, 'truer'. A supposed criticism of soapboxing too.
It's nothing more than that. I guess I'm saying, it's not worth a second read. Lol.
bengraven
Member
You would have hated it before i removed a lot of "and"s. haha
I don't do these things for votes, so I'm okay.
You would have hated it before i removed a lot of "and"s. haha
I don't do these things for votes, so I'm okay.
I really liked your one, but whenever there's poetry or song in fantasy books, I skim through em.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
What's this "voice" talk all about?
I presume it's related to writing style, but in what sense?
I presume it's related to writing style, but in what sense?
Not sure if this is something that is discouraged or anything (if it is I will edit this post) but I really took some of the critiques I received to heart and gave my story a rather large edit. It went from about 1600 words to 2600 over this past week as I revised it several times. If anyone feels so inclined, I would greatly appreciate a second look at my story. Link below:
Edit:
Removed link as several things are screwed up with the names and formatting. Will re-upload by 15SEP (hopefully)
Edit:
Removed link as several things are screwed up with the names and formatting. Will re-upload by 15SEP (hopefully)
Well that's a new one. I'll definitely give it a read when I have time.
hey_monkey
Banned
Good on you for giving it another go.
- Status