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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #134 - "Reign of Error"
- Thread starter Mike M
- Start date
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Happy Birthday!
Minutes to spare!
Ourobolus: Mijo seems to mean millet according to Google translation. Is this some sort of Mexican colloquialism in reference to how fast kids grow or something? While I can see the temptation of sprinkling a dialog that is being translated from another language with words from the original language, I think it actually detracts from any attempts at authenticity. If you use a word that has a direct translation available (asombroso instead of amazing), it just leaves me thinking Okay, why wasnt this one particular word translated? I dont know if theres any hard and fast rule or guideline about such things, but its something that leaps out at me when I see it. Overall, I think you probably spent too much time on the back story setting up what wound up being a pretty straightforward joke structure. I agree that it should have ended with the mothers dialog.
Aaron: Feeling his teeth bend and snap against my hand is such an odd description. Academically Im aware that youre probably talking about teeth being punched from their sockets, not bending on their own, but thats the image it calls to mind. Also, New Delhi wasnt founded until the 1900s as I recall. I realize this was a counterfactual piece with anachronistic secret technology (Which I really liked, BTW), but that one detail felt like something that couldnt be handwaved away by that. The concept is definitely solid enough to build off of with the appropriate research (especially the dialogue, it sounded very contemporary to me), but as a standalone piece there was way, waaaaaaaaaaay too much time spent casually summarizing the events between New Delhi and England. Should have stopped with the Ottoman empire bit or so. The space program seemed a bit out of place since nothing else approached that level of fantastical.
lupin23rd: Well, you certainly went all in for the optional double entendre objective, holy shit. This probably could have been played for laughs more, as it has all the hallmarks of being something really darkly screwball, but it took itself a bit too seriously. Or alternately it was a serious piece that had too much screwball antics to take it seriously. Im not sure which.
Mike M: As you can see, I abandoned the secondary objective entirely. This did not play out as I had intended, and even cutting out a bunch of boring, dull stuff before the captain got to the AI room didnt help enough. Im still convinced theres the seed of something that had promise in there, but like just about everything I write, I will never ever revisit it.
B-Dubs: Hmmm... Not sure what I thought about this one. There was something Terry Gilliam-esque about the nonsensical decisions of corporate bureaucracy, and I liked depiction of fairies as dumpy, repulsive creatures instead of the usual tropes. You didn't ever fully capitalize on the promise though. The dialog in particular was strictly plain-jane, and felt like a lot of missed opportunity for some witty repartee.
Sober: Inner Space meets Inception. I liked the story, and I liked how the crew of the ship made the right decision and the predicament that they found themselves in. The opening exposition paragraph was unnecessary, and the story would have been better served without it. The fact that miniaturization was depicted as some ultra-top-secret, nobody-knows-about-this secret technology was seemingly contradicted by the fact that plenty of people knew about it, and that there were in fact multiple outfits that didn't just have access to the technology, but seemingly specialized in the whole brain-hijacking application of it.
lastflowers: Shout out to PNW peeps. I found this to be really, really, really overwrought for a depiction of two animals capering about. But you went beyond purple prose and just went so balls out on the verbosity and needless complexity that I couldn't help but laugh at he absurdity of it. If that's what you were shooting for, well the mission accomplished. If not... I'm sorry I laughed at your sincere attempt to elevate the exploits of a bee an a raccoon to high art : P
Tangent: My daughter is totally obsessed with owls at the moment. My wife though it would be like a great idea to get her like... sixteen pounds of Play-Doh for Christmas, so now all she does is bring the little tubs of various colors (God, I did not know there were this many colors of Play-Doh, holy shit at all the Play-Doh in my house, it's like a god damned rainbow of Play-Doh factories had a fire sale) and demand that you make her an owl. But when you make her an owl, she pulls the beak off it and goes "Nose broke!" Or she pulls the eyes of it and goes "Eye broke!" Or she pulls some part off she doesn't know what it is and just goes "Uh oh!" Kid loves owls. So immagine how disappointed I was then to find that most of this was about some dumb stork. Storks are dumb.
Nezumi: Huh, ours really did end up being similar, didn't they? Yours was a bit cuter, I'll grant you that. : )
Cyan: Kind of reminds me of the "Ruint" (or however the hell it was spelled) in Wolves of the Calla (Or however the hell it was spelled). Man, I hate Stephen King. But I liked this. I would have liked to have discovered what the root cause behind the Dumbening was, but that's pretty much impossible to answer without it sounding really... dumb... so it's probably best left as a question mark.
Ashes1396: Wait, you don't use a stove to bring a kettle of water to a boil? The fuck is this shit? As usual dialogue is incredibly natural, it's always a strong point for you.
Picks:
1. Cyan
2. Aaron
3. Sober
Ourobolus: Mijo seems to mean millet according to Google translation. Is this some sort of Mexican colloquialism in reference to how fast kids grow or something? While I can see the temptation of sprinkling a dialog that is being translated from another language with words from the original language, I think it actually detracts from any attempts at authenticity. If you use a word that has a direct translation available (asombroso instead of amazing), it just leaves me thinking Okay, why wasnt this one particular word translated? I dont know if theres any hard and fast rule or guideline about such things, but its something that leaps out at me when I see it. Overall, I think you probably spent too much time on the back story setting up what wound up being a pretty straightforward joke structure. I agree that it should have ended with the mothers dialog.
Aaron: Feeling his teeth bend and snap against my hand is such an odd description. Academically Im aware that youre probably talking about teeth being punched from their sockets, not bending on their own, but thats the image it calls to mind. Also, New Delhi wasnt founded until the 1900s as I recall. I realize this was a counterfactual piece with anachronistic secret technology (Which I really liked, BTW), but that one detail felt like something that couldnt be handwaved away by that. The concept is definitely solid enough to build off of with the appropriate research (especially the dialogue, it sounded very contemporary to me), but as a standalone piece there was way, waaaaaaaaaaay too much time spent casually summarizing the events between New Delhi and England. Should have stopped with the Ottoman empire bit or so. The space program seemed a bit out of place since nothing else approached that level of fantastical.
lupin23rd: Well, you certainly went all in for the optional double entendre objective, holy shit. This probably could have been played for laughs more, as it has all the hallmarks of being something really darkly screwball, but it took itself a bit too seriously. Or alternately it was a serious piece that had too much screwball antics to take it seriously. Im not sure which.
Mike M: As you can see, I abandoned the secondary objective entirely. This did not play out as I had intended, and even cutting out a bunch of boring, dull stuff before the captain got to the AI room didnt help enough. Im still convinced theres the seed of something that had promise in there, but like just about everything I write, I will never ever revisit it.
B-Dubs: Hmmm... Not sure what I thought about this one. There was something Terry Gilliam-esque about the nonsensical decisions of corporate bureaucracy, and I liked depiction of fairies as dumpy, repulsive creatures instead of the usual tropes. You didn't ever fully capitalize on the promise though. The dialog in particular was strictly plain-jane, and felt like a lot of missed opportunity for some witty repartee.
Sober: Inner Space meets Inception. I liked the story, and I liked how the crew of the ship made the right decision and the predicament that they found themselves in. The opening exposition paragraph was unnecessary, and the story would have been better served without it. The fact that miniaturization was depicted as some ultra-top-secret, nobody-knows-about-this secret technology was seemingly contradicted by the fact that plenty of people knew about it, and that there were in fact multiple outfits that didn't just have access to the technology, but seemingly specialized in the whole brain-hijacking application of it.
lastflowers: Shout out to PNW peeps. I found this to be really, really, really overwrought for a depiction of two animals capering about. But you went beyond purple prose and just went so balls out on the verbosity and needless complexity that I couldn't help but laugh at he absurdity of it. If that's what you were shooting for, well the mission accomplished. If not... I'm sorry I laughed at your sincere attempt to elevate the exploits of a bee an a raccoon to high art : P
Tangent: My daughter is totally obsessed with owls at the moment. My wife though it would be like a great idea to get her like... sixteen pounds of Play-Doh for Christmas, so now all she does is bring the little tubs of various colors (God, I did not know there were this many colors of Play-Doh, holy shit at all the Play-Doh in my house, it's like a god damned rainbow of Play-Doh factories had a fire sale) and demand that you make her an owl. But when you make her an owl, she pulls the beak off it and goes "Nose broke!" Or she pulls the eyes of it and goes "Eye broke!" Or she pulls some part off she doesn't know what it is and just goes "Uh oh!" Kid loves owls. So immagine how disappointed I was then to find that most of this was about some dumb stork. Storks are dumb.
Nezumi: Huh, ours really did end up being similar, didn't they? Yours was a bit cuter, I'll grant you that. : )
Cyan: Kind of reminds me of the "Ruint" (or however the hell it was spelled) in Wolves of the Calla (Or however the hell it was spelled). Man, I hate Stephen King. But I liked this. I would have liked to have discovered what the root cause behind the Dumbening was, but that's pretty much impossible to answer without it sounding really... dumb... so it's probably best left as a question mark.
Ashes1396: Wait, you don't use a stove to bring a kettle of water to a boil? The fuck is this shit? As usual dialogue is incredibly natural, it's always a strong point for you.
Picks:
1. Cyan
2. Aaron
3. Sober
Votes:
1. B-Dubs - "The Fairies under my Desk" - loved the slow build to the point where burning down his office makes total sense
2. Ourobolus - "No Sé la Razón Por la Que Hablan Inglés" - great punch-line
3. Mike M - "Everything is fine" - liked the idea and the, er, fixes, probably would 've liked it more if there hadn't been another so similar
HM: Ashes1396 - "electric kettles" -
. Also I want your dialogue babies.
Aaron: write the novel plz
Sober: just wanted to call out your story because I was struck by how much your writing has improved over time. would have voted for this but in the end it didn't stick the landing for me.
Nezumi: liked the middle story, didn't care for the frame as much
1. B-Dubs - "The Fairies under my Desk" - loved the slow build to the point where burning down his office makes total sense
2. Ourobolus - "No Sé la Razón Por la Que Hablan Inglés" - great punch-line
3. Mike M - "Everything is fine" - liked the idea and the, er, fixes, probably would 've liked it more if there hadn't been another so similar
HM: Ashes1396 - "electric kettles" -
I have an electrice kettle :O
Aaron: write the novel plz
Sober: just wanted to call out your story because I was struck by how much your writing has improved over time. would have voted for this but in the end it didn't stick the landing for me.
Nezumi: liked the middle story, didn't care for the frame as much
lastflowers
Banned
Take my criticism light-heartedly. I liked all of the pieces, and am merely writing down some thoughts and initial impressions I got while reading the texts. I apologize if I offend anyone!
Ourobolus - No Sé la Razón Por la Que Hablan Inglés:
Very nice introductory paragraph. Considering I was kind of dreading reading the piece just based on the title, you hooked me nicely. I enjoyed the quick transition from a mother who disapproves in wresting to the high probability that he son is the result of her encounter with the Luchador society.
You have a keen eye for a ‘timeless’ scene, with imagery that colors events without being turgid or overwrought. I was not a fan of ‘Martín could barely contain his excitement.’ It seemed he’d already exploded along with the rest of the crowd . That might be used to better effect earlier.
I’m not sure I can take a name Dirty Sanchez half-seriously. Sorry .
Your descriptions of the crowd left just enough to the imagination. The stadium could be filled with 200 people or tens of thousands. ‘The crowd were beside themselves with joy. They bounced up and down, hugged each other, and screamed at the top of their lungs. Martín was ecstatic. He stood on his tiptoes, waiting…’ Throughout the piece, you utilize the vertical motion to great effect. People are bouncing, they are on their tiptoes, people burst, competitors rise and drop-kick, crowds tumble. Motion is everywhere, generic enough but also descriptive enough to help the reader picture vine-esque scenes overflowing each paragraph.
What to make of the tournament? The first half setup Martin’s return to the ring, but the tournament itself felt as if it let-up on the payoff. The shift in narrative style worked to a decent effect, by giving a little more emphasis on the notion that it was the final time-period of the piece. The shift from Isabella’s view to Martin’s maturation.
The significance of Sanchez’s fall into alcoholism seemed important, then the notion that Isabella had multiple men seemed interesting. Then: ‘there were so many men over that night’. That just seems a little awkward—though in a disturbing way quite funny…or perhaps very dark, especially the tone in which she says it. It justifies the names of the luchadors. In a weird way, the ambiguity her statement is far more interesting than if she uttered a definitive statement. Very nice piece, it was quite enjoyable.
Aaron:
For the most part, I’m not really into this genre of fiction, so take any criticism with a massive pale of salt. Most of the fantasy stuff (GoT stuff) I read gets glossed over, though I made an attempt to do a closer reading.
‘Teeth bend and snap’. Yummy!
‘The year was 1837, somewhere in the month of April.’ I’m not sure this is needed.
The transition from two-legged rats to a man on all four appendages is very nice. I really liked this.
Merriam Webster is a very confusing name for a lady protagonist in the British ‘secret police’.
The near-aside starting with ‘I won't bore you with my brief trip overland in Egypt…’ ended the paragraph with some wit, but the following paragraph ruined its effect. It is weird to see that the narrator has enough knowledge to know what is important to the story, yet not transfer at least a basic sense of importance surrounding the tale being told. What is being told? Is it the prevention of the King of England dying, to ensure that the queen is not made regent? I think so, but why then sum up the random exploits with ‘won’t bore you’? It feels disjointed from the rest of the piece. Though, her massive impact that she has to ‘end a blockade’ and to meet ‘the ruler Muhammad Ali’ or help ‘foil a plot involving the Ottoman Empire’ could be used as exposition elsewhere in the piece. The sentence has some nice impact and would hate to see go, but as it is currently it felt odd.
The entire piece post-aside felt drunken, and I mean that in a good way. The antics felt almost Pynchon-esque. The meeting of King Louis, escaping from prison, an unlikely meeting with her mentor, the pursuit of Sir John, and ending in finding passage to England. Very enjoyable.
lupin23rd - Malpractice:
I enjoyed the back in forth between Nomura and the Speaker. The payoff at the end had some potential signs given throughout the piece, but not enough of a red-herring to feel something was off –except the flashback. I like the concept of painting the protagonist with a beautiful, carefree brush, with seemingly absurd accusations only to have these accusations be justified towards the end of the piece. However, it seems rather odd that the misnamed patient mixup is what caused malpractice trial in the first place. It felt a little out-of-place for such a formal, damning event towards his professional career without the drinking problem be a part of the Speaker’s case from the beginning. If his alcoholism is to be part of the case from the start, perhaps alter the Speaker’s sentences at the end. ‘The look on the
speaker’s face changed, as though she had just come to a realization.’
Who is the speaker? Is he important? Is he just a speaker? Is it the judge? An opposing lawyer? A court employee? Apparently he’s a she! It might be useful to denote who the shadowy figure is, as I was attempting to determine whether this malpractice hearing was in an actual courtroom or in a regional doctor’s association, etc etc.
‘Although the faint smile was still pasted on his face’ seemed less impactful the second time it was written, perhaps refer to conceptual outward appearances to contrast the metaphorical insides in the rest of the sentence. Given the ending of the piece, the introductory three paragraphs could be used to add some more significance or foreshadowing. The thought that the smiles could be the cause of a slight buzz might be all that is needed. I’m wavering on the concept myself
Also, I would stop preceding Nomura with ‘Dr.’, as it only adds more formality to the narration without any payoff. You do this once the flashback happens, though that might be used to denote some significance to the title. As it currently is written, I doubt any incongruity has any significance. Perhaps it could be interesting to play with the different states of the Nomura’s professional attitude. Is the narration referring to him as Dr. only when he feels he needs to be recognized with the title, in contrast to the familiar setting of Nomura’s conversations with patients?
What is a ‘never event’?
Maybe I have the mind of a five year old, but the scene between Reiko and Nomura felt very….sexually charged, as did the first question after the flashback. Felt awkward. If intended, well done…because it was awkward to read!
Mike M – Everything is Fine:
The short story was a fun read, especially the second time through to get a bit more out of the conversations. Halloway’s abrupt removal from the airship due not to a malignant machine but an astrological-caused malfunction is a nice twist on the rogue A.I. concept. Matriarch’s continual desire to help Halloway by altering the ship’s conditions are nice, though at times it lacks a punch that really accentuates Matriarch’s desire to help Halloway. It almost seems fake at times, which perhaps is the goal…to make the twist at the end truly imply the erring A.I. instead of the rogue A.I…..though I don’t think so, which lessens the ending paragraph of Matriarch doubting herself.
I really like this sentence, ‘His abrupt revival from stasis had left his thought processes scrambled like an egg’, though possibly it could have been used to greater effect if placed higher in the paragraph or even in the introductory paragraph of the piece. Where it was used lacked the potential punch it could have.
It might be interesting to divorce Matriarch and Halloway’s syntax and vocabulary, giving them separate speech patterns might accentuate the differences in their personalities and goals. You partially do this through the question-answer sessions, but I find little differentiation between Matriarch’s speech & thought patterns and a regular human. While I’m not sure that altering her will be a positive, possibly go down that route and see whether the small story turns out better.
The transition to Matriarch’s thought patterns only betray the story’s horror. It might be more impactful to have her tell Halloway of her potential error as she shuttles Halloway off to the sickbay, though maybe not.
I enjoy how some of the seemingly unimportant side topics, air/cold, are brought up in the conversation with Matriarch, but something feels off about the conversation’s abrupt movement from ‘so why revive me’ to ‘the life support’s not working…to cold’. The coldness being brought up seems like a bizarre topic as Halloway is running out of breath, instead of bringing up the air support.
B-Dubs – Farie under my Desk:
First one I read….I’ll update with thoughts later Tuesday. Tonight I am too tired of critiquing, ye old scallywag.
Sober - OoBE:
I really liked the introductory sequence between the two doctors. The dialogue between the two felt very natural, and I could almost picture the scene in a movie. You have a very economical prose style to push the story forward through dialogue. Due to this, some characterization seemed a bit lacking, but the small bits of characterization indicates that a larger word count would help flesh out the motivations or traits had you been able to have the opportunity. It is a nice kernel of an idea begging to be drawn out into a larger form. While there was certainly some foreshadowing, ‘We don’t take out contracts to kill people...you don’t need to remind me…wouldn’t be working here,’ there is no capitalization on this theme. The characters are all ‘good,’ and the proposed threat at the end seems more a joke than an actual threat. Perhaps build up that thread throughout the piece and the ending might be sinister instead of light-hearted. There isn’t a payoff about the contrast of regular joes/janes pulling levers in a miniaturized ship doing their jobs in comparison to man’s life slowly whittling away from his very existence in front of him…forgetting his appointments, friends names, favorite memories, etc etc. I imagine a lot of this has to do with the short length , just thinking out loud about possible directions you can take this very nicely laid out kernel of a larger story.
Tangent - Family:
Re-reading the piece gave me this beauty: ‘stark examples of rough beginnings,’ which, maybe unintentional, seemed quite amusing to me during the re-read. The Stork’s confusions were humorous, but a little more prose from the owl could have been used to make the errors work to better effect. As a result, the two bits felt at odds with each other and the entire piece felt disconnected. The owl’s exposition might have been more impactful if you interweave his rumblings within the tale of the stork. The Hamster Horde Seeks Revenge After Death and Siege of Herons Defends Against Hoarding Zombies seemed to refer to each other….but then again maybe didn’t. Instead of being deliberately related in any fashion, the titles seemed to just ‘be’ there without any meaningful connection between them and the Stork’s tale. I did enjoy the wordplay with the Stork’s mess-ups, quite funny!
Cyan:
The shift in narration post-blossoming works well for the world. Circuitry, damp, incense, slats, molasses. The world is painted with enough plausibility for the reader to question what is happening along with realizing the futility of her plight. The elliptical cycle perpetuating an evolutionary simplifying of the human mind. Is it a time machine? Is it a machination to hyper evolve the mind? These questions perpetuate, but don’t overpower my reading as I continue the short story. The prose pushes you forward, and does not confuse. Characters are simple, but effective both thematically and at pushing forward the reader into continuing on.
This small story was enjoyable to me mainly because of the parallels that can be drawn with mankind’s most basic of instincts ever-present throughout pretty much all of time. Simple human emotions are displayed acutely, in simple terms. The tale almost mirrors the early months of parenting. Instead of stupidity or devolution, parents go through elliptical cycles of sleep deprivation, reducing themselves to ‘death-guarders’ and preventing their newborn from all accidental attempts to commit suicide. They become Neanderthals, reveling in the most basic of human nature: love of their own kin. Those moments of REM sleep recharge their faculties and enable more deeper thought between guard-duty.
Ashes1396 – Electric Kettles:
Katie didn’t duck away from a kiss by a man who had recently thrown up. Heh. I enjoy how the dialogue flows between the characters and they build off of one another, not needing demarcation between speakers. These types of scenes have always intrigued me, as the relationship is the one that is built up between the two along with an individualized world in which each inhabit along with the one they share. The casual mentions of vomit, the flick of a tongue ‘out of the kitchen door’.
Joseph goes from in the shower to out of the shower and dressed very quickly. A weird transition there.
While the general minimalism in narration works well, ‘They stood quietly whilst the kettle whistled. Joseph was first to break the silence,’ seemed a bit awkward. I’m not sure the constant barrage of dialogue and one-liners works for a large piece in general. It does keep the generalization of the characters well enough, however, and I’m not sure altering it would do any good. Just food-for-thought that perhaps a descriptive scene setting might work here as a break for the machinegun dialogue.
This line is golden: ‘You need to deal with the underlying issues.’
Ranks:
1. Ourobolus
2. Ashes
3. Cyan
And yes Aaron, I agree with Cyan. Write that novel. That was a trip to read through. At first I thought I would hate it, but it reminded me of Mason & Dixon in the best of ways possible.
It's ultra shitty. It's uber shitty. 'It is shit' ~ Shit Ferguson, 2014.
While it actually has a basis in reality, it was written very quickly and more as an exercise than as a piece to be readable. It's not good writing and really isn't meant to be. It uses crutches to avoid transitions between states, scenes, moments, etc.
A man, fallen, disgraced, who has lost both his Gloria and his little daughter Gloria Mk II. Unwelcome to his old home, and shunned away by his now teenage daughter, Buzz fantasizes about being a bee during his inability to accept his present physical desires to be consistently high and drunk, and to fuck as much as possible. He divorces his memories of a past life with a field of flowers where he used to get nectar through interactions with his wife and baby child, and his current state of addictions. He abstracts his desires to nectar.
It's told from the perspective of this impairment of the black-out. As impairment hits us, we struggle to connect the everyday minutia, and instead our lives become pictures blitzing together, stringing one Kodak moment with another. The shots combine, the condom'd aftermath, the needlepoint of injection or burnt weed flakes on your hoodie, the stench of awful in your mouth and shirt, the cold wind blowing against your face as you walk, etc etc etc.
He buzzes around with his other homeless friend Zorro as they wander around the streets searching for the next fuck/high/drink. Recovering from a massive night of boozing/shooting up/getting high, he sees the reflection of himself in the dying moans of his friend. Waking up sober, he notices his best friend dead and completes the self-reflection of the previous night. He flips off the sun and thinks about his glorious past life, with perhaps a shade of redemption.
(I don't think he will get any).
Ourobolus - No Sé la Razón Por la Que Hablan Inglés:
Very nice introductory paragraph. Considering I was kind of dreading reading the piece just based on the title, you hooked me nicely. I enjoyed the quick transition from a mother who disapproves in wresting to the high probability that he son is the result of her encounter with the Luchador society.
You have a keen eye for a ‘timeless’ scene, with imagery that colors events without being turgid or overwrought. I was not a fan of ‘Martín could barely contain his excitement.’ It seemed he’d already exploded along with the rest of the crowd . That might be used to better effect earlier.
I’m not sure I can take a name Dirty Sanchez half-seriously. Sorry .
Your descriptions of the crowd left just enough to the imagination. The stadium could be filled with 200 people or tens of thousands. ‘The crowd were beside themselves with joy. They bounced up and down, hugged each other, and screamed at the top of their lungs. Martín was ecstatic. He stood on his tiptoes, waiting…’ Throughout the piece, you utilize the vertical motion to great effect. People are bouncing, they are on their tiptoes, people burst, competitors rise and drop-kick, crowds tumble. Motion is everywhere, generic enough but also descriptive enough to help the reader picture vine-esque scenes overflowing each paragraph.
What to make of the tournament? The first half setup Martin’s return to the ring, but the tournament itself felt as if it let-up on the payoff. The shift in narrative style worked to a decent effect, by giving a little more emphasis on the notion that it was the final time-period of the piece. The shift from Isabella’s view to Martin’s maturation.
The significance of Sanchez’s fall into alcoholism seemed important, then the notion that Isabella had multiple men seemed interesting. Then: ‘there were so many men over that night’. That just seems a little awkward—though in a disturbing way quite funny…or perhaps very dark, especially the tone in which she says it. It justifies the names of the luchadors. In a weird way, the ambiguity her statement is far more interesting than if she uttered a definitive statement. Very nice piece, it was quite enjoyable.
Aaron:
For the most part, I’m not really into this genre of fiction, so take any criticism with a massive pale of salt. Most of the fantasy stuff (GoT stuff) I read gets glossed over, though I made an attempt to do a closer reading.
‘Teeth bend and snap’. Yummy!
‘The year was 1837, somewhere in the month of April.’ I’m not sure this is needed.
The transition from two-legged rats to a man on all four appendages is very nice. I really liked this.
Merriam Webster is a very confusing name for a lady protagonist in the British ‘secret police’.
The near-aside starting with ‘I won't bore you with my brief trip overland in Egypt…’ ended the paragraph with some wit, but the following paragraph ruined its effect. It is weird to see that the narrator has enough knowledge to know what is important to the story, yet not transfer at least a basic sense of importance surrounding the tale being told. What is being told? Is it the prevention of the King of England dying, to ensure that the queen is not made regent? I think so, but why then sum up the random exploits with ‘won’t bore you’? It feels disjointed from the rest of the piece. Though, her massive impact that she has to ‘end a blockade’ and to meet ‘the ruler Muhammad Ali’ or help ‘foil a plot involving the Ottoman Empire’ could be used as exposition elsewhere in the piece. The sentence has some nice impact and would hate to see go, but as it is currently it felt odd.
The entire piece post-aside felt drunken, and I mean that in a good way. The antics felt almost Pynchon-esque. The meeting of King Louis, escaping from prison, an unlikely meeting with her mentor, the pursuit of Sir John, and ending in finding passage to England. Very enjoyable.
lupin23rd - Malpractice:
I enjoyed the back in forth between Nomura and the Speaker. The payoff at the end had some potential signs given throughout the piece, but not enough of a red-herring to feel something was off –except the flashback. I like the concept of painting the protagonist with a beautiful, carefree brush, with seemingly absurd accusations only to have these accusations be justified towards the end of the piece. However, it seems rather odd that the misnamed patient mixup is what caused malpractice trial in the first place. It felt a little out-of-place for such a formal, damning event towards his professional career without the drinking problem be a part of the Speaker’s case from the beginning. If his alcoholism is to be part of the case from the start, perhaps alter the Speaker’s sentences at the end. ‘The look on the
speaker’s face changed, as though she had just come to a realization.’
Who is the speaker? Is he important? Is he just a speaker? Is it the judge? An opposing lawyer? A court employee? Apparently he’s a she! It might be useful to denote who the shadowy figure is, as I was attempting to determine whether this malpractice hearing was in an actual courtroom or in a regional doctor’s association, etc etc.
‘Although the faint smile was still pasted on his face’ seemed less impactful the second time it was written, perhaps refer to conceptual outward appearances to contrast the metaphorical insides in the rest of the sentence. Given the ending of the piece, the introductory three paragraphs could be used to add some more significance or foreshadowing. The thought that the smiles could be the cause of a slight buzz might be all that is needed. I’m wavering on the concept myself
Also, I would stop preceding Nomura with ‘Dr.’, as it only adds more formality to the narration without any payoff. You do this once the flashback happens, though that might be used to denote some significance to the title. As it currently is written, I doubt any incongruity has any significance. Perhaps it could be interesting to play with the different states of the Nomura’s professional attitude. Is the narration referring to him as Dr. only when he feels he needs to be recognized with the title, in contrast to the familiar setting of Nomura’s conversations with patients?
What is a ‘never event’?
Maybe I have the mind of a five year old, but the scene between Reiko and Nomura felt very….sexually charged, as did the first question after the flashback. Felt awkward. If intended, well done…because it was awkward to read!
Mike M – Everything is Fine:
The short story was a fun read, especially the second time through to get a bit more out of the conversations. Halloway’s abrupt removal from the airship due not to a malignant machine but an astrological-caused malfunction is a nice twist on the rogue A.I. concept. Matriarch’s continual desire to help Halloway by altering the ship’s conditions are nice, though at times it lacks a punch that really accentuates Matriarch’s desire to help Halloway. It almost seems fake at times, which perhaps is the goal…to make the twist at the end truly imply the erring A.I. instead of the rogue A.I…..though I don’t think so, which lessens the ending paragraph of Matriarch doubting herself.
I really like this sentence, ‘His abrupt revival from stasis had left his thought processes scrambled like an egg’, though possibly it could have been used to greater effect if placed higher in the paragraph or even in the introductory paragraph of the piece. Where it was used lacked the potential punch it could have.
It might be interesting to divorce Matriarch and Halloway’s syntax and vocabulary, giving them separate speech patterns might accentuate the differences in their personalities and goals. You partially do this through the question-answer sessions, but I find little differentiation between Matriarch’s speech & thought patterns and a regular human. While I’m not sure that altering her will be a positive, possibly go down that route and see whether the small story turns out better.
The transition to Matriarch’s thought patterns only betray the story’s horror. It might be more impactful to have her tell Halloway of her potential error as she shuttles Halloway off to the sickbay, though maybe not
.I enjoy how some of the seemingly unimportant side topics, air/cold, are brought up in the conversation with Matriarch, but something feels off about the conversation’s abrupt movement from ‘so why revive me’ to ‘the life support’s not working…to cold’. The coldness being brought up seems like a bizarre topic as Halloway is running out of breath, instead of bringing up the air support.
B-Dubs – Farie under my Desk:
First one I read….I’ll update with thoughts later Tuesday. Tonight I am too tired of critiquing, ye old scallywag.
Sober - OoBE:
I really liked the introductory sequence between the two doctors. The dialogue between the two felt very natural, and I could almost picture the scene in a movie. You have a very economical prose style to push the story forward through dialogue. Due to this, some characterization seemed a bit lacking, but the small bits of characterization indicates that a larger word count would help flesh out the motivations or traits had you been able to have the opportunity. It is a nice kernel of an idea begging to be drawn out into a larger form. While there was certainly some foreshadowing, ‘We don’t take out contracts to kill people...you don’t need to remind me…wouldn’t be working here,’ there is no capitalization on this theme. The characters are all ‘good,’ and the proposed threat at the end seems more a joke than an actual threat. Perhaps build up that thread throughout the piece and the ending might be sinister instead of light-hearted. There isn’t a payoff about the contrast of regular joes/janes pulling levers in a miniaturized ship doing their jobs in comparison to man’s life slowly whittling away from his very existence in front of him…forgetting his appointments, friends names, favorite memories, etc etc. I imagine a lot of this has to do with the short length
, just thinking out loud about possible directions you can take this very nicely laid out kernel of a larger story.Tangent - Family:
Re-reading the piece gave me this beauty: ‘stark examples of rough beginnings,’ which, maybe unintentional, seemed quite amusing to me during the re-read. The Stork’s confusions were humorous, but a little more prose from the owl could have been used to make the errors work to better effect. As a result, the two bits felt at odds with each other and the entire piece felt disconnected. The owl’s exposition might have been more impactful if you interweave his rumblings within the tale of the stork. The Hamster Horde Seeks Revenge After Death and Siege of Herons Defends Against Hoarding Zombies seemed to refer to each other….but then again maybe didn’t. Instead of being deliberately related in any fashion, the titles seemed to just ‘be’ there without any meaningful connection between them and the Stork’s tale. I did enjoy the wordplay with the Stork’s mess-ups, quite funny!
Cyan:
The shift in narration post-blossoming works well for the world. Circuitry, damp, incense, slats, molasses. The world is painted with enough plausibility for the reader to question what is happening along with realizing the futility of her plight. The elliptical cycle perpetuating an evolutionary simplifying of the human mind. Is it a time machine? Is it a machination to hyper evolve the mind? These questions perpetuate, but don’t overpower my reading as I continue the short story. The prose pushes you forward, and does not confuse. Characters are simple, but effective both thematically and at pushing forward the reader into continuing on.
This small story was enjoyable to me mainly because of the parallels that can be drawn with mankind’s most basic of instincts ever-present throughout pretty much all of time. Simple human emotions are displayed acutely, in simple terms. The tale almost mirrors the early months of parenting. Instead of stupidity or devolution, parents go through elliptical cycles of sleep deprivation, reducing themselves to ‘death-guarders’ and preventing their newborn from all accidental attempts to commit suicide. They become Neanderthals, reveling in the most basic of human nature: love of their own kin. Those moments of REM sleep recharge their faculties and enable more deeper thought between guard-duty.
Ashes1396 – Electric Kettles:
Katie didn’t duck away from a kiss by a man who had recently thrown up. Heh. I enjoy how the dialogue flows between the characters and they build off of one another, not needing demarcation between speakers. These types of scenes have always intrigued me, as the relationship is the one that is built up between the two along with an individualized world in which each inhabit along with the one they share. The casual mentions of vomit, the flick of a tongue ‘out of the kitchen door’.
Joseph goes from in the shower to out of the shower and dressed very quickly. A weird transition there.
While the general minimalism in narration works well, ‘They stood quietly whilst the kettle whistled. Joseph was first to break the silence,’ seemed a bit awkward. I’m not sure the constant barrage of dialogue and one-liners works for a large piece in general. It does keep the generalization of the characters well enough, however, and I’m not sure altering it would do any good. Just food-for-thought that perhaps a descriptive scene setting might work here as a break for the machinegun dialogue.
This line is golden: ‘You need to deal with the underlying issues.’
Ranks:
1. Ourobolus
2. Ashes
3. Cyan
And yes Aaron, I agree with Cyan. Write that novel. That was a trip to read through. At first I thought I would hate it, but it reminded me of Mason & Dixon in the best of ways possible.
It's ultra shitty. It's uber shitty. 'It is shit' ~ Shit Ferguson, 2014.
While it actually has a basis in reality, it was written very quickly and more as an exercise than as a piece to be readable
. It's not good writing and really isn't meant to be. It uses crutches to avoid transitions between states, scenes, moments, etc.A man, fallen, disgraced, who has lost both his Gloria and his little daughter Gloria Mk II. Unwelcome to his old home, and shunned away by his now teenage daughter, Buzz fantasizes about being a bee during his inability to accept his present physical desires to be consistently high and drunk, and to fuck as much as possible. He divorces his memories of a past life with a field of flowers where he used to get nectar through interactions with his wife and baby child, and his current state of addictions. He abstracts his desires to nectar.
It's told from the perspective of this impairment of the black-out. As impairment hits us, we struggle to connect the everyday minutia, and instead our lives become pictures blitzing together, stringing one Kodak moment with another. The shots combine, the condom'd aftermath, the needlepoint of injection or burnt weed flakes on your hoodie, the stench of awful in your mouth and shirt, the cold wind blowing against your face as you walk, etc etc etc.
He buzzes around with his other homeless friend Zorro as they wander around the streets searching for the next fuck/high/drink. Recovering from a massive night of boozing/shooting up/getting high, he sees the reflection of himself in the dying moans of his friend. Waking up sober, he notices his best friend dead and completes the self-reflection of the previous night. He flips off the sun and thinks about his glorious past life, with perhaps a shade of redemption.
(I don't think he will get any).
Mijo is a common diminutive for a son, like saying "sonny" in English. I thought it was more common knowledge than that, oops. For the record, I don't speak Spanish. At all. I can say "Hello," and "There is a large cat in my pants."
thank you Blue Streak
As for the oddball translation, I wasn't really going for too much authenticity (which would essentially mean I would have to write the entire thing in Spanish). I tried to leave some hints for that though:
- The title roughly translates to "I don't know the reason why they are speaking English."
- This line:
- Martín was taken aback, almost to the point of falling off of his seat. What? I mean, que?
I wish I had had more words to work with, since I agree, I did too much back story compared to the present events. There's always next week!
Oh, don't worry. It wasn't meant to be taken all that seriously. My first thought when trying to come up with a story was "wait! Luchadors have absolutely ridiculous names!" Which then led to me going, "Well, if it's going to be set in Mexico, why not use the obvious Dirty Sanchez?"
Also, "Maize Agujero" roughly translates to "Maize Hole," which then can be derived to "Corn Hole."
I was being a bit silly.
lastflowers
Banned
Sometimes you get the ropes, and sometimes the ropes get youGahhhh, damn you Cyan! So close!
Oh well, make it a good prompt!
He had me on the ropes. I was about to win, then my mother shouted "I'm a whore!" I blacked out then and there and Cyan went on to win.
Making Cyan your biological father?
Oh. My. God.
lastflowers
Banned
So cyan is a dominatrix?
Whoa.gif
NO! THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
Chainsawkitten
Member
I'm confused and scared.
lastflowers
Banned
Sometimes you have to take a chainsaw to a kitten.
I'm running on 3 hours sleep and am slightly delirious.
ElbowRocket
Member
Poetic, ironic or perfect?
- Status