Blargonaut
Banned
hold the doooor ;'o
-
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #165 - "Unobtainable"
- Thread starter Nezumi
- Start date
- Status
hold the doooor ;'o
hold the doooor ;'o
This is hilarious!
Meditation ~ 653 words
Failed to do my own secondary. Shame on me. Shame on me...
Edit: I'll hold the door for Blargonaut for a while before composing the list of entries. And since I'm going to be lax with the deadline I'm also going to rule that MIke's story will be eligible as well.
Failed to do my own secondary. Shame on me. Shame on me...
Edit: I'll hold the door for Blargonaut for a while before composing the list of entries. And since I'm going to be lax with the deadline I'm also going to rule that MIke's story will be eligible as well.
Blargonaut
Banned
British Monsoon
Member
The Entries:
Mike M - "Tempus Obscura"
Dandy Crocodile - "Springfield"
"Chartreuse" - Untitled
Tangent - "Just Gremlin Psychology"
FlowersisBritish - "Babel's Mystic Readings: Professional Psychic"
Cyan - "Only Sane Man"
Ashes - "roaming butterflies"
Neeener - "Mater Dolorosa"
Nezumi - "Meditation"
Bootaaay - "The Golden Seal"
Mike M - "Tempus Obscura"
Dandy Crocodile - "Springfield"
"Chartreuse" - Untitled
Tangent - "Just Gremlin Psychology"
FlowersisBritish - "Babel's Mystic Readings: Professional Psychic"
Cyan - "Only Sane Man"
Ashes - "roaming butterflies"
Neeener - "Mater Dolorosa"
Nezumi - "Meditation"
Bootaaay - "The Golden Seal"
Oh, I didn't realize Nez had said it was ok. Thread maker is the final arbiter, so I'll change it if you really want... but for the record, I am very strongly against making word count exceptions. The deadline is one thing, we've always been a little bit lax with that, but people work pretty hard to cut those last 50 words and get under the bar. It's not really fair to people who battled their way to under 2500 words to suddenly say that a 4000 word story is just fine. I am not a fan of setting this precedent.
Hmm, I see what you mean and normally would be 100% behind you. But I'm not gonna take it back now that I already said it. That would be even shittier.
And I think it is save to assume Mike won't suddenly start to exploit it. Let's just say that this was an overly generous challenge to counter Mike's brutal one of from last week.
And I think it is save to assume Mike won't suddenly start to exploit it. Let's just say that this was an overly generous challenge to counter Mike's brutal one of from last week.
So mote it be.
Whilst normally I think we can all agree that Cyan should be automatically presumed wrong, one has to acknowledge that even a broken clock is right twice a day. Thrice if it's a time machine.
On that supposition, perhaps, I'm going to side with Cyan. In addition to what he said, the entry in question is not just a few hundreds words over - it's kind of.. well near enough double the word limit.
Worse, having read it, Mike, you could had and perhaps should had got this under the word limit.
Still, I'm getting old, and like to reward a half decent effort over colouring within the lines, so I vote against the part of my self that agrees with cyan. Either that or this post is being mod abused.
tldr Cyan is right. Mike is wrong. But love is better than rejection. So let's all have an orgy. I mean get reading. Let's all get reading. Yes.
On that supposition, perhaps, I'm going to side with Cyan. In addition to what he said, the entry in question is not just a few hundreds words over - it's kind of.. well near enough double the word limit.
Worse, having read it, Mike, you could had and perhaps should had got this under the word limit.
Still, I'm getting old, and like to reward a half decent effort over colouring within the lines, so I vote against the part of my self that agrees with cyan. Either that or this post is being mod abused.
tldr Cyan is right. Mike is wrong. But love is better than rejection. So let's all have an orgy. I mean get reading. Let's all get reading. Yes.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
I mean Mike did already say he was taking the DQ, twice now. He knows what he got into. All he wants is some feedback like everybody else. I mean I wasn't going to vote for him anyways. I don't think I can handle another one of his challenges
But...
Have I not already proved that anybody who agrees with Cyan is automatically wrong?
Do you want another wall of text explaining the explanation? Well do ya... punk?
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
Opened the floodgates, you have.
also I haven't written a single word...I did want to. I mean, we all know the obvious answer here is "time", right? It's the one thing you can literally never obtain. Either that or silence.
I'll just read entries instead.
also I haven't written a single word...I did want to. I mean, we all know the obvious answer here is "time", right? It's the one thing you can literally never obtain. Either that or silence.
I'll just read entries instead.
Votes:
1. Cyan - Only Sane Man
2. FlowersisBritish - Babel's Mystic Readings: Professional Psychic
3. Chartreuse - Untitled
HM: Nezumi - Meditation
Feedback:
Mike M - Tempus Obscura
I really liked the structure of this story and the play with time. I think it would have been tighter and better paced if you had shortened it. The scenes with the machine and waiting for the message from the future were really interesting, and the scenes with the girlfriend just didn't play as well for me. I think the girlfriend came off a little annoying, and I couldn't really sense an actual relationship between them, Elena seemed really ambiguous about her feelings which dampened the conflict about whether or not to marry her. It just felt like she didn't care.
I think it would have been fabulous if you'd had the time to polish it, great themes, and a good overall story, just dragged a bit.
Dandy Crocodile - Springfield
I really liked the slow decent into realizing just how crazy Dan is, and what has happened earlier that night. I wish there was a flashback or more of a reveal of the full story with Jessie. The major conflict seemed to be between Dan and Jessie, so I would have liked to finally know exactly what happened. I think it would have been a good payoff.
From a writing standpoint there were a few confusing moments as he discussed Jessie and Nancy's relationship. Did he like Nancy before or only after she was with Jessie? Had there been any relationship between Dan and Nancy? I think there were a couple uses of "he" that weren't clear if it was refering to Dan or Jessie.
It definitely sucked me in and kept getting more interesting, and more crazy! good job.
Chartreuse - Untitled
This was awesome! I loved the idea of Dr Seussing a parking problem. It flowed well, kept moving and the end felt just perfect. Taking a really normal life situation and adding a little whimsy and imagination really worked!
Tangent - Just Gremlin Psychology
I loved the story you had planned. Good internal conflict. And I love that in wanting to possess power it would only have melted away. You established the world quickly and well without lots of explanation, it just quickly became clear that they were all seeking to find themselves and get recognition.
Would have loved to read the rest!
FlowersisBritish - Babel's Mystic Readings: Professional Psychic
Great ideas in this. It was so normal and human, the conflict between wanting to help someone who needs it and wanting to pay rent. But then the mystical aspect and the actual exorcism was so wild and fun. You had a great balance, so the whole story felt very grounded in reality. The characters, even the demon, felt so real. I particularly like him trying to sell the shoes and realizing at the end that he still needs to pay rent.
This story flowed well, stayed engaging, and had really clear conflict and goals. Well done!
Cyan - Only Sane Man
I don't think you even needed to tell us you were emulating Heller, that was clear from the first couple sentences! I can't fault the writing at all. I find Heller's style a little tough to read, it's like being taken into a weird word labyrinth. You totally managed to keep the story moving within the structure of word play. It was hilarious, and I loved the end!
Ashes - Roaming Butterflies
This was a very peaceful read. You got a real sense of Ludovico's world. There was no real conflict, but I didn't feel you needed one. It felt more like poetic prose than a story. And it really worked.
Neeener - Mater Dolorosa
This was my first attempt at building an alternate world. It was a lot of fun, but I didn't give myself a lot of time to polish. Reading it back I wish I had. I'd like to build out this world a little more, it's a fun place to play! All my favorite authors write either dystopian or urban fantasy, and I love the idea of a world that has come out of ours.
Nezumi - Meditation
Really well written. I just wasn't sure about the use of the word darkness when talking about seeking enlightenment. I could see the "void" and I loved the idea that he was throwing his world into the void. But to me darkness represents "something" rather than nothing, if that makes sense? I would usually think of meditation as seeking nothingness. Anyway, it was only a small thing that threw me a little, this was a good story.
Bootaay - The Golden Seal
The characters were a little elusive. I felt I never really understood them or their relationship to each other. The world was setup so well, you could really get a sense of the city and world they operated in. And the ending was definitely a great little surprise!
1. Cyan - Only Sane Man
2. FlowersisBritish - Babel's Mystic Readings: Professional Psychic
3. Chartreuse - Untitled
HM: Nezumi - Meditation
Feedback:
Mike M - Tempus Obscura
I really liked the structure of this story and the play with time. I think it would have been tighter and better paced if you had shortened it. The scenes with the machine and waiting for the message from the future were really interesting, and the scenes with the girlfriend just didn't play as well for me. I think the girlfriend came off a little annoying, and I couldn't really sense an actual relationship between them, Elena seemed really ambiguous about her feelings which dampened the conflict about whether or not to marry her. It just felt like she didn't care.
I think it would have been fabulous if you'd had the time to polish it, great themes, and a good overall story, just dragged a bit.
Dandy Crocodile - Springfield
I really liked the slow decent into realizing just how crazy Dan is, and what has happened earlier that night. I wish there was a flashback or more of a reveal of the full story with Jessie. The major conflict seemed to be between Dan and Jessie, so I would have liked to finally know exactly what happened. I think it would have been a good payoff.
From a writing standpoint there were a few confusing moments as he discussed Jessie and Nancy's relationship. Did he like Nancy before or only after she was with Jessie? Had there been any relationship between Dan and Nancy? I think there were a couple uses of "he" that weren't clear if it was refering to Dan or Jessie.
It definitely sucked me in and kept getting more interesting, and more crazy! good job.
Chartreuse - Untitled
This was awesome! I loved the idea of Dr Seussing a parking problem. It flowed well, kept moving and the end felt just perfect. Taking a really normal life situation and adding a little whimsy and imagination really worked!
Tangent - Just Gremlin Psychology
I loved the story you had planned. Good internal conflict. And I love that in wanting to possess power it would only have melted away. You established the world quickly and well without lots of explanation, it just quickly became clear that they were all seeking to find themselves and get recognition.
Would have loved to read the rest!
FlowersisBritish - Babel's Mystic Readings: Professional Psychic
Great ideas in this. It was so normal and human, the conflict between wanting to help someone who needs it and wanting to pay rent. But then the mystical aspect and the actual exorcism was so wild and fun. You had a great balance, so the whole story felt very grounded in reality. The characters, even the demon, felt so real. I particularly like him trying to sell the shoes and realizing at the end that he still needs to pay rent.
This story flowed well, stayed engaging, and had really clear conflict and goals. Well done!
Cyan - Only Sane Man
I don't think you even needed to tell us you were emulating Heller, that was clear from the first couple sentences! I can't fault the writing at all. I find Heller's style a little tough to read, it's like being taken into a weird word labyrinth. You totally managed to keep the story moving within the structure of word play. It was hilarious, and I loved the end!
Ashes - Roaming Butterflies
This was a very peaceful read. You got a real sense of Ludovico's world. There was no real conflict, but I didn't feel you needed one. It felt more like poetic prose than a story. And it really worked.
Neeener - Mater Dolorosa
This was my first attempt at building an alternate world. It was a lot of fun, but I didn't give myself a lot of time to polish. Reading it back I wish I had. I'd like to build out this world a little more, it's a fun place to play! All my favorite authors write either dystopian or urban fantasy, and I love the idea of a world that has come out of ours.
Nezumi - Meditation
Really well written. I just wasn't sure about the use of the word darkness when talking about seeking enlightenment. I could see the "void" and I loved the idea that he was throwing his world into the void. But to me darkness represents "something" rather than nothing, if that makes sense? I would usually think of meditation as seeking nothingness. Anyway, it was only a small thing that threw me a little, this was a good story.
Bootaay - The Golden Seal
The characters were a little elusive. I felt I never really understood them or their relationship to each other. The world was setup so well, you could really get a sense of the city and world they operated in. And the ending was definitely a great little surprise!
Hey guys! I was excited to read this week's stories since everyone tried a new style, and because it seems like we have a small, intimate group this week. (Hee hee, aka less reading.) But, I have family in town and am whisked away to all these events. Not sure I'll squeeze the reads in before the deadline, esp since family stuff will through Monday night. Having said this, I don't want anyone to feel obliged to read my story!
Dandy Crocodile
Member
1.) Cyan - "Only Sane Man"
2.) Neeener - "Mater Dolorosa"
3.) FlowersisBritish - "Babel's Mystic Readings: Professional Psychic"
Tough to select this week. My top 3 really could probaby have gone in any order.
The first draft of my entry was an attempt at mimicking Stephen King's style and frequent use of a hazy 50's Americana backdrop for a horror story. The entry I submitted dropped that and I just decided to try to use a song as the inspiration for a thriller/horror story. I wanted to make it overt without being hamfisted, haha.
2.) Neeener - "Mater Dolorosa"
3.) FlowersisBritish - "Babel's Mystic Readings: Professional Psychic"
Tough to select this week. My top 3 really could probaby have gone in any order.
The first draft of my entry was an attempt at mimicking Stephen King's style and frequent use of a hazy 50's Americana backdrop for a horror story. The entry I submitted dropped that and I just decided to try to use a song as the inspiration for a thriller/horror story. I wanted to make it overt without being hamfisted, haha.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
I have two arms again! I can do my normal note takings again! haha I missed writing in my journals!
Mike M- I think this was the most organized, evenly paced story of yours I've read. I'm gonna disagree with Ashes and Neener here and say the pacing in this is perfect, it's what I think is the perfect length. you spend just enough time on each scene. It also felt super thematically on point, there was a larger message here from beginning to end and i find that very admirable. The subtlety with the ring in the pocket(and not on her finger) was really great. I have a variety of nitpicks too, biggest of which is that past Elana and future feel like slightly different people. Future Elana feels more jokey, while past feels more like a straight man.
Dandy Crocodile: The general concept is super interesting, and it hooks you super quickly with Dan in the tress. Also the descriptions with the baseball bat felt very visceral. Although i didn't pick up on it till you mentioned it, this does feel very much like a King short story. I wasn't particularly clear on what parts were Dan's relationship with Nancy and which were Jessie's? The father's dialogues didn't feel very genuine "what the fuck" and a gently "fuck you" don't feel like the right things to say to someone attacking your daughter.
Chartreuse: You had me hooked by the first stanza. It's a very cute idea and works well as a Dr. Seuss story. It made me really wish there some illustrations with it. The only thing that bothered me were two small knitpicks. Wasn't this a city? Why are there enough trees to make a sea in a city? Also the part with the space on the wall, was there an empty space on the wall he didn't want because it was on a wall? I didn't really understand that line.
Tangent: I can really appreciate the struggle for recognition and the awful feeling of going along a career path your not sure about.So I was a little confused as to Flyn's role in the story at first, there felt like a lot of attention focused on Flyn in the beginning? I feel like theres a lot of redundant information where Tristan tells us about the icicle and then we read a paragraph about that same information. The way your story was going to go did sound really interesting, I always love being burned by your own hubris, and the idea that you can't get recognized for something you have to keep secret, it offer a really interesting dilemma.
Flowers- So i was trying to emulate this mangaka named Satoshi Mizukami. I love everything he does. A lot of my favorite stories of all time are from him, so I wanted to try and emulate a couple of themes and elements he likes to work with. He has a real fondness for down to earth anti heroes, guys who do good things but are actually kind of jerks. So that's what I was aiming for, a guy that would save a kids family, but also steal the kid's shoes.
Cyan- I really love Adam's constant self doubts, how he's never really sure of something, but tries to reaffirm it by shouting it louder. Everytime it happens I get a laugh. Also all the escape mechanism of silence and repeating Adam's words make for a good lead up to the big punchline at your end. Also that punchline was great. Though I never really got a feel for any of the characters besides Adam. I would have like to known more about Gable and the other office characters, just to at least understand why they're even in such a job with a ridiculous boss like Adam.
Ashes- This story really captured a strange sense of ease for a very uneventful day where you have just one chore. I like how the hashtags chronicle Vico's day, and gives a surprising amount of information into his character, especially when the butterfly comes in at the end and he doesn't notice. I also really love your ending line, but I don't think you showed enough of Vico's self sacrifice for it to work. I tgives the impression that his home is more meant for other people than himself, but all we see is Vico in his home. Yeah he's touching up a room for a friend, but he's also eating in that home, and reading in that home. It just doesn't feel like it's for other people that much.
Neeener- I feel like a lot of really bad human traits seemed to have disappeared with this evolution. Luckily around the time you mention that, you also mention that this society has a sector designed for soldiers. What a fun dark twist! That said, it doesn't feel like the place is used for soldiers. For a secret place, it seems like anyone can walk in there. There also doesn't seem to be any training facility, or guard, or anything to think that this is a big terrible secret. I do love Jadya's struggle to be a mater, how she has a glitch of loving too much and can't do the one thing she's been bred for. And then she meets Buddy, she's overwhelmed with happiness at being able to do her one thing, and then buddy dies. What a dark ending! I love it!
Nezumi- The mental descriptions were really good, and the constant metaphor between the mind and a black sea were really great. It made the part where his memories bubble up to the surface really interesting to read. I also really like the idea of equating enlightenment to oblivion(or at least that's how I read it). There's something really melancholic about the idea, and it gives the ending a weird melancholic feel to the ending for me.
Bootaaay- So I like what you're trying to do with the opening dialogue. I really enjoy when someone tries to describe their characters with those first lines instead of simple "X said." But your dialogue is unclear as to who is actually speaking so I had a tough time following the flow of conversation. I do like the trap with the shadow, and the following dilemma of "if I blow out these candles, will it get stronger." Also, you had a lot of really strong visual descriptions through the story. Could use some other sensory descriptions too though.
Votes
1. Ashes
2. Nezumi
3. Neener
*high fives*
Mike M: Ive had this notion of a time travel experiment where they broadcast an image back in time that cant be deciphered until they broadcast it back to themselves in the past rattling around in my head for a while. But while its a neat thing to think about, its not really a story on its own, so I tried to do something where it was the framing device for this character story thing with themes and shit.
Not gonna lie, I had hoped it would be better received.
I knew it could be better, but I was still harboring hope that maybe I was being too hard on myself. It was twice as long as usual and work conspired to allot me only half the time to edit it, but even with all other concerns being equal, I dont know how much better I could have done. The most frustrating thing for me is the adage of if you want to get better at writing books, write more books/if you want to get better at writing short stories, write more short stories, has been looming over my head as I accumulate rejection letters for short story submissions like collectible trading cards. Ive gotten pretty okay at that ~2-2.5K range (though not enough to be published, apparently), but my mid and long game are deficient and I am becoming ever increasingly aware that I dont have the time to polish it up while also staying involved in these. And if I stop with these, I have a real fear that Id just stop entirely. Work has really amped my stress levels up an order of magnitude lately, so Im just a bundle of raw nerves feeling the burn at every form rejection and every post of someone elses success in the writing OT.
Dandy Crocodile: This one didnt just feel like a character sketch, so kudos on that. You also made the protagonist intensely, achingly unlikable, and Im not sure how successful that is for me, though at least we got the satisfaction of him getting his comeuppance at the end. I felt that Dan was inconsistent in a multitude of areas, however; the detail about Dan testing into calculus in particular was stumbling block for me. That one note paints him as an overachieving All-American Boy, but the rest of the story shows that he is really nothing but a delusional misogynist of questionable intellect. Also, he didnt know what he was going to do, but came prepared for and executed a clearly preconceived plan (yet he didnt think to cut the rope ahead of time?)? But then somehow his plan to scare her wasnt going to plan when he succeeded in scaring her? What exactly was he hoping to achieve with all that? Everything about the cut on his leg being testimony to him already having done something to Jessie was reeeeally rough to me. The first we explicitly hear about it is when hes leaving a blood trail through the house, where its kind of an off-hand remark in a and oh yeah, he was bleeding from his leg and I guess it was kinda bad sort of way, and then we just drop the bomb that something happened at Jessies house that resulted in a cut on his shin, but we honestly dont know what that was and its frankly difficult to imagine what it would have been. Did he kill Jessie? In a way where he sustained a cut on his shin but had no other signs of blood on him from, say, the victim? Did he kill everyone in the house? Idunno, it seemed like this was supposed to live or die by the gradual revelation of the extent of Dans plans/previous actions that night, and it wasnt handled as deftly as it could have been.
Chartreuse: Clearly the solution is to take off again, set the car back down wherever you put the wings on in the first place, and install a ladder. Personally I would just suck it up and find the nearest pay lot, but Im lazy like that.
Tangent: Man, there seems to be a rash of DNF entries lately. This one seemed an odd mix of fantastical elements coupled with a rather modern-day interpretation of higher learning, complete with the concepts of weekends and finals week. It kept leading me to think that it was going to be some variety of magical realism/urban fantasy or something, but then theyre all sitting on cushions and they travel around with bladders of spring water, which evokes a more high fantasy vibe. I think I would have actually liked to have seen some gremlins and seen how their powers could be beneficial, or even what sort of powers you would have ascribed to them. Theyre traditionally associated with a vague notion of anti-technology powers in my experience, which seems a bit at odds with the demonstrated level of development in the world (which may play a part in my instinct to view this as a magical realism story). I also wasnt super crazy on the notion of the most powerful object in the land being an icicle of all things, even less so the notion that if it were so powerful it would not be under heavy guard, apparently be relatively easily removed, and just melt away as would conventional ice. Also, the less heard about helping people with their digestive troubles, the better. Ew.
FlowersisBritish: I liked this one a lot, felt that it fit into a slot somewhere between Dirk Gently and Constantine. I especially enjoyed that the demon was, at first blush, not an especially horrible creature who seemed to actually care somewhat for the welfare of Harry and his missing shoes. There seemed to be a few details that were mentioned in passing that seemed almost contradictory and caused me to trip up over myself as I went along, however. How do those with the gift of premonition lead uneventful lives? Is the implication that they know all the bad things happening and avoid them, but somehow never get the urge to abuse their powers at a casino, for instance? Harrys patience is called out as being particularly noteworthy, but its after he just asked Babel to stop bitching. People who use the word bitching in such a context arent demonstrating any real degree of patience, in my experience. Also not entirely sure why Babel is hustling people by working a scam when he possesses genuine powers and abilities. I can certainly think of reasons why that may be (how often does an exorcism come along versus someone wanting their fortune told?), but theyre not addressed. The only total misfire for me was the description of the astral plane fight or whatever. It just didnt do anything for me at all. Id have rather had practically anything else or nothing at all, and had the spare words spent developing the demon and exploring that aside from being lazy and debaucherous, hes not especially evil.
Cyan: Man, the boardroom farce seems something out of a bygone era these days. The head-hopping kind of threw me for a moment, as at first by all indications Gable was supposed to be the protagonist, but then we jumped to Adams almost immediately and stayed there for the majority of it. I think perhaps too much time was spent with the stop shouting gag, which just got turned around and used again on Gable. I liked the part about shipping off the fired guys desk to help Nepal, and I think the story could have benefited from more things like that rather than generally talking in circles about how they were going to help without actually throwing out ridiculous stuff like sending the desk. It kind of jumped the shark for me when Adams ordered someone to take Gable outside and rough him up; at that point we went from a room full of people with imposter syndrome trying to avoid as much work as possible without threatening their jobs to a senile old man yelling at clouds. In stripping the last vestiges of already strained believability, it went more into the realm of a spoof movie, but was only there for a couple jokes rather than committed fully. In summary: Comedy is hard.
Ashes: You almost literally wrote a story about paint drying, heh. This was kind of an unusual read from you as you usually do very character heavy pieces, but this was almost completely devoid of it outside of a brief conversation about painting a room white. It read like a recitation of events in order rather than a narrative, and nothing happened. I may very well be missing some deeper truth about humanity or something, but Im just superficial like that.
Neener: I realize you have a wildly speculative world here, but man, that exposition dump... Not sure how you would have been better able to show instead of tell, especially with the word count limit, but that seems like something you should take up with Nezumi : P. I was kind of bothered the whole time that her designated function was mater when really everything she seemed to be into would be better described as being a caretaker for the buds, not providing the genetic raw material to produce them. That ending though, that was a brutal gut punch out of nowhere. Fatherhood has ruined me.
Nezumi: This reminds me of I want to say a scene from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon where theres a short conversation about how one of the characters achieved such a state of nihilism but hadnt felt any of the joy of enlightenment or something? Something like that. Its been a while since Islept through took Zen Buddhism in college, but from what I recall I dont think just being mindful of the sensations of the walk back would count as enlightenment? Idunno, Im just talking about my ass here.
Bootaaay: I mostly liked this, even though you jump from present to past tense after a few paragraphs. I liked what little of the magic system we got to see with the rubbing of the two coins together, but I also think we needed an explanation about why Caspians magic would have no effect on Boar while the trap magic of the seal clearly did. That said, there was a good sense of pacing and action, an interesting magic system, and a theme of the contrast between light and darkness. The fact that you were able to cram that much into a short amount of time is remarkable, though if anything it is perhaps a bit overly breezy in its narration as we rush from the establishing scene to the conclusion in the space of a few pages.
Votes:
1.) FlowersisBritish
2.) Bootaaay
3.) Cyan
Not gonna lie, I had hoped it would be better received.
I knew it could be better, but I was still harboring hope that maybe I was being too hard on myself. It was twice as long as usual and work conspired to allot me only half the time to edit it, but even with all other concerns being equal, I dont know how much better I could have done. The most frustrating thing for me is the adage of if you want to get better at writing books, write more books/if you want to get better at writing short stories, write more short stories, has been looming over my head as I accumulate rejection letters for short story submissions like collectible trading cards. Ive gotten pretty okay at that ~2-2.5K range (though not enough to be published, apparently), but my mid and long game are deficient and I am becoming ever increasingly aware that I dont have the time to polish it up while also staying involved in these. And if I stop with these, I have a real fear that Id just stop entirely. Work has really amped my stress levels up an order of magnitude lately, so Im just a bundle of raw nerves feeling the burn at every form rejection and every post of someone elses success in the writing OT.
Dandy Crocodile: This one didnt just feel like a character sketch, so kudos on that. You also made the protagonist intensely, achingly unlikable, and Im not sure how successful that is for me, though at least we got the satisfaction of him getting his comeuppance at the end. I felt that Dan was inconsistent in a multitude of areas, however; the detail about Dan testing into calculus in particular was stumbling block for me. That one note paints him as an overachieving All-American Boy, but the rest of the story shows that he is really nothing but a delusional misogynist of questionable intellect. Also, he didnt know what he was going to do, but came prepared for and executed a clearly preconceived plan (yet he didnt think to cut the rope ahead of time?)? But then somehow his plan to scare her wasnt going to plan when he succeeded in scaring her? What exactly was he hoping to achieve with all that? Everything about the cut on his leg being testimony to him already having done something to Jessie was reeeeally rough to me. The first we explicitly hear about it is when hes leaving a blood trail through the house, where its kind of an off-hand remark in a and oh yeah, he was bleeding from his leg and I guess it was kinda bad sort of way, and then we just drop the bomb that something happened at Jessies house that resulted in a cut on his shin, but we honestly dont know what that was and its frankly difficult to imagine what it would have been. Did he kill Jessie? In a way where he sustained a cut on his shin but had no other signs of blood on him from, say, the victim? Did he kill everyone in the house? Idunno, it seemed like this was supposed to live or die by the gradual revelation of the extent of Dans plans/previous actions that night, and it wasnt handled as deftly as it could have been.
Chartreuse: Clearly the solution is to take off again, set the car back down wherever you put the wings on in the first place, and install a ladder. Personally I would just suck it up and find the nearest pay lot, but Im lazy like that.
Tangent: Man, there seems to be a rash of DNF entries lately. This one seemed an odd mix of fantastical elements coupled with a rather modern-day interpretation of higher learning, complete with the concepts of weekends and finals week. It kept leading me to think that it was going to be some variety of magical realism/urban fantasy or something, but then theyre all sitting on cushions and they travel around with bladders of spring water, which evokes a more high fantasy vibe. I think I would have actually liked to have seen some gremlins and seen how their powers could be beneficial, or even what sort of powers you would have ascribed to them. Theyre traditionally associated with a vague notion of anti-technology powers in my experience, which seems a bit at odds with the demonstrated level of development in the world (which may play a part in my instinct to view this as a magical realism story). I also wasnt super crazy on the notion of the most powerful object in the land being an icicle of all things, even less so the notion that if it were so powerful it would not be under heavy guard, apparently be relatively easily removed, and just melt away as would conventional ice. Also, the less heard about helping people with their digestive troubles, the better. Ew.
FlowersisBritish: I liked this one a lot, felt that it fit into a slot somewhere between Dirk Gently and Constantine. I especially enjoyed that the demon was, at first blush, not an especially horrible creature who seemed to actually care somewhat for the welfare of Harry and his missing shoes. There seemed to be a few details that were mentioned in passing that seemed almost contradictory and caused me to trip up over myself as I went along, however. How do those with the gift of premonition lead uneventful lives? Is the implication that they know all the bad things happening and avoid them, but somehow never get the urge to abuse their powers at a casino, for instance? Harrys patience is called out as being particularly noteworthy, but its after he just asked Babel to stop bitching. People who use the word bitching in such a context arent demonstrating any real degree of patience, in my experience. Also not entirely sure why Babel is hustling people by working a scam when he possesses genuine powers and abilities. I can certainly think of reasons why that may be (how often does an exorcism come along versus someone wanting their fortune told?), but theyre not addressed. The only total misfire for me was the description of the astral plane fight or whatever. It just didnt do anything for me at all. Id have rather had practically anything else or nothing at all, and had the spare words spent developing the demon and exploring that aside from being lazy and debaucherous, hes not especially evil.
Cyan: Man, the boardroom farce seems something out of a bygone era these days. The head-hopping kind of threw me for a moment, as at first by all indications Gable was supposed to be the protagonist, but then we jumped to Adams almost immediately and stayed there for the majority of it. I think perhaps too much time was spent with the stop shouting gag, which just got turned around and used again on Gable. I liked the part about shipping off the fired guys desk to help Nepal, and I think the story could have benefited from more things like that rather than generally talking in circles about how they were going to help without actually throwing out ridiculous stuff like sending the desk. It kind of jumped the shark for me when Adams ordered someone to take Gable outside and rough him up; at that point we went from a room full of people with imposter syndrome trying to avoid as much work as possible without threatening their jobs to a senile old man yelling at clouds. In stripping the last vestiges of already strained believability, it went more into the realm of a spoof movie, but was only there for a couple jokes rather than committed fully. In summary: Comedy is hard.
Ashes: You almost literally wrote a story about paint drying, heh. This was kind of an unusual read from you as you usually do very character heavy pieces, but this was almost completely devoid of it outside of a brief conversation about painting a room white. It read like a recitation of events in order rather than a narrative, and nothing happened. I may very well be missing some deeper truth about humanity or something, but Im just superficial like that.
Neener: I realize you have a wildly speculative world here, but man, that exposition dump... Not sure how you would have been better able to show instead of tell, especially with the word count limit, but that seems like something you should take up with Nezumi : P. I was kind of bothered the whole time that her designated function was mater when really everything she seemed to be into would be better described as being a caretaker for the buds, not providing the genetic raw material to produce them. That ending though, that was a brutal gut punch out of nowhere. Fatherhood has ruined me.
Nezumi: This reminds me of I want to say a scene from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon where theres a short conversation about how one of the characters achieved such a state of nihilism but hadnt felt any of the joy of enlightenment or something? Something like that. Its been a while since I
Bootaaay: I mostly liked this, even though you jump from present to past tense after a few paragraphs. I liked what little of the magic system we got to see with the rubbing of the two coins together, but I also think we needed an explanation about why Caspians magic would have no effect on Boar while the trap magic of the seal clearly did. That said, there was a good sense of pacing and action, an interesting magic system, and a theme of the contrast between light and darkness. The fact that you were able to cram that much into a short amount of time is remarkable, though if anything it is perhaps a bit overly breezy in its narration as we rush from the establishing scene to the conclusion in the space of a few pages.
Votes:
1.) FlowersisBritish
2.) Bootaaay
3.) Cyan
@mike: there's no deeper meaning. I just wanted some people to get to the end of the story in a tale seemingly without conflict. Than on reflection having read the last line 'may' *see* a completely different film in their head.
@everyone else: Please don't read this without having read the story in full etcl:
No worries. I've clearly failed. And will endeavour to do better.
@everyone else: Please don't read this without having read the story in full etcl:
he's blind
ooooooooooooooooh... that makes so much sense! Now I feel dumb.
I think you are in that weird stage where you have mastered a skill (2k-2.5k range) and you know you have, so you are looking to the next stage... which means being back on the learning curve. Like being a senior in high school and knowing you have your shit figured out, then suddenly you are in college and it's back to the start again... but with the skills you've gained by mastering high school.
Frankly, your story was solid, I think perhaps you work better doing things your own way... rather than outlining and trying out someone else's process... so maybe the secondary got in your way this week.
As far as the rejections etc go... half the people in the writing OT self publish... so they never have to deal with rejection letters. You could always write a novella, self-publish and bypass all the gatekeepers. You've just picked the tougher route.
First I want to apologize for the lack of comments this week. I have been sick all day yesterday and have just managed to finish reading everything a minute ago.
With that said, I think this round might be one of the hardest, votingwise, that I have yet encountered in this challenge. Even as I'm writing this I'm throwing around the positions in my head. Really really great stories everyone.
Alas I have to make a decision, so here we go.
1.) FlowersisBritish
2.) Cyan
3.) Chatreuse
With that said, I think this round might be one of the hardest, votingwise, that I have yet encountered in this challenge. Even as I'm writing this I'm throwing around the positions in my head. Really really great stories everyone.
Alas I have to make a decision, so here we go.
1.) FlowersisBritish
2.) Cyan
3.) Chatreuse
British Monsoon
Member
Votes
1. Cyan
2. Neeener
3. FlowersisBritish
Mike M - for such a long word count this was a very well focussed piece, but I think there was definitely room for some editing. The dialogue was very natural, especially between Elena and Darlene, although the ending was a bit flat. I think you could have made more of a broad connection between Elena's work and the happenings in her personal life, but overall this was a well written piece with some nice themes.
Dandy Crocodile - well that took an unexpected turn! I thought the prose was good, but there were a few confusing moments. Perhaps you could have aluded to Dan's prior encounter with Jesse a bit more, also I thought Dan's reasoning was a bit flimsy, but I guess that could just show how nuts he was. The moment at the start where you realise Dan's not in the room with Nancy, but spying on her from the tree outside her window, was nicely done and, similarly, I liked how you steadily ramped up the crazy. The ending packed quite a punch to it as well, good stuff.
Chartreuse - this was a really fun piece, you nailed the Suess style and I liked the ending a lot, but I felt the timbre started to unravel in the final few stanzas and could do with a bit of tightening up.
Tangent - reading your synopsis of how the story would have ended up I liked where it was going with the crystal melting, but for the part of the story you had written I found the most interesting part to be academic setting and definitely think that's something that has potential with a bit of fleshing out.
FlowersisBritish - very well written, this felt like one of the more complete stories from all the entries and I thought you did great work in characterising not only the lead, but the demon as well.
Cyan - loved the ending on this one, it was already approaching farcical levels when the 'rough him up' line (and Gable's subsequent clever escape) sealed the deal. I think you could have perhaps expanded on it a bit, added some backstory throughout to give a better idea of why Adams is so feared/hated (although that does become pretty apparent as his rantings become more maniacal). I loved Adams moments of self-doubt, you probably could've gotten away with one or two more.
Ashes - this was weird, I hesistate to call it a story, as it felt more like a snapshot of events, or a summary of Ludovico's day in order of his hashtags. Well written, as per usual, and it had a peculiar sedateness to it.
Neeener - some great world building in this one, but I think you brushed over the genetic changes to humanity a bit too lightly and I would've appreciated a bit more detail in that section. The characters were well defined and I liked the gut-punch of an ending, good stuff.
Nezuimi - I liked the descriptive language in this one, you did a good job of describing the medatative process to my mind and I thought the enigmatic ending suited it perfectly.
Thanks for the comments on my piece guys, this was the first creative thing I've written in months and it felt nice to just sit down and bang out a piece in an hour or so.
1. Cyan
2. Neeener
3. FlowersisBritish
Mike M - for such a long word count this was a very well focussed piece, but I think there was definitely room for some editing. The dialogue was very natural, especially between Elena and Darlene, although the ending was a bit flat. I think you could have made more of a broad connection between Elena's work and the happenings in her personal life, but overall this was a well written piece with some nice themes.
Dandy Crocodile - well that took an unexpected turn! I thought the prose was good, but there were a few confusing moments. Perhaps you could have aluded to Dan's prior encounter with Jesse a bit more, also I thought Dan's reasoning was a bit flimsy, but I guess that could just show how nuts he was. The moment at the start where you realise Dan's not in the room with Nancy, but spying on her from the tree outside her window, was nicely done and, similarly, I liked how you steadily ramped up the crazy. The ending packed quite a punch to it as well, good stuff.
Chartreuse - this was a really fun piece, you nailed the Suess style and I liked the ending a lot, but I felt the timbre started to unravel in the final few stanzas and could do with a bit of tightening up.
Tangent - reading your synopsis of how the story would have ended up I liked where it was going with the crystal melting, but for the part of the story you had written I found the most interesting part to be academic setting and definitely think that's something that has potential with a bit of fleshing out.
FlowersisBritish - very well written, this felt like one of the more complete stories from all the entries and I thought you did great work in characterising not only the lead, but the demon as well.
Cyan - loved the ending on this one, it was already approaching farcical levels when the 'rough him up' line (and Gable's subsequent clever escape) sealed the deal. I think you could have perhaps expanded on it a bit, added some backstory throughout to give a better idea of why Adams is so feared/hated (although that does become pretty apparent as his rantings become more maniacal). I loved Adams moments of self-doubt, you probably could've gotten away with one or two more.
Ashes - this was weird, I hesistate to call it a story, as it felt more like a snapshot of events, or a summary of Ludovico's day in order of his hashtags. Well written, as per usual, and it had a peculiar sedateness to it.
Neeener - some great world building in this one, but I think you brushed over the genetic changes to humanity a bit too lightly and I would've appreciated a bit more detail in that section. The characters were well defined and I liked the gut-punch of an ending, good stuff.
Nezuimi - I liked the descriptive language in this one, you did a good job of describing the medatative process to my mind and I thought the enigmatic ending suited it perfectly.
Thanks for the comments on my piece guys, this was the first creative thing I've written in months and it felt nice to just sit down and bang out a piece in an hour or so.
efyu_lemonardo
May I have a cookie?
Ah, shame I missed this thread, I had a good outline for a story to contribute.
Stick around for a couple hours and you can catch the next one.
1. Neener's destoypian robot; drew me in, but I didn't think it was a particularly good ending. Self fulfilling prophecy was a bit too predictable.
2. Cyan's sister's brother; bit too standupish lad. Or is it?
3. Tangent's alter ego aka she who reuses charts; sexist tripe but beautiful font though.
Hm. Mike Works wannabe; keep it tight & qualified mate.
Hm. Flower the friendly ghost; first half was too messy, no? Seems to be a slightly different story in the second (and better) half.
Welcome back Bootaaay. Always liked reading your stuff but this one didn't really grab me.
2. Cyan's sister's brother; bit too standupish lad. Or is it?
3. Tangent's alter ego aka she who reuses charts; sexist tripe but beautiful font though.
Hm. Mike Works wannabe; keep it tight & qualified mate.
Hm. Flower the friendly ghost; first half was too messy, no? Seems to be a slightly different story in the second (and better) half.
Welcome back Bootaaay. Always liked reading your stuff but this one didn't really grab me.
Chartreuse? Idunno.
Ashes is a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in... something something.
OK, voting is closed. The results are in!
1.) Cyan - "Only Sane Man"
2.) FlowersisBritish - "Babel's Mystic Readings: Professional Psychic"
3.) Neeener - "Mater Dolorosa"
Vote Count:
Cyan - 17 (4)
FlowersisBritish - 14 (2)
Neeener - 10 (1)
Ashes - 6 (2)
Chartreuse - 3
Bootaaay - 2
Nezumi - 2
Congratulation Cyan! I hereby return the power over the next thread into your hands!
1.) Cyan - "Only Sane Man"
2.) FlowersisBritish - "Babel's Mystic Readings: Professional Psychic"
3.) Neeener - "Mater Dolorosa"
Vote Count:
Cyan - 17 (4)
FlowersisBritish - 14 (2)
Neeener - 10 (1)
Ashes - 6 (2)
Chartreuse - 3
Bootaaay - 2
Nezumi - 2
Congratulation Cyan! I hereby return the power over the next thread into your hands!
Woo, thanks guys! This was one of those stories where I really couldn't tell, reading it back, if it worked it not. Appreciate the votes and the feedback.
New challenge is up: http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1044958
New challenge is up: http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1044958
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Well i don't want you to stop with these challenges, yet I have no good words of encouragement. That opening wall of rejection letters is tough, and it can take a really long time to get over it. There is no trick, it's a game of patience where you have to grit your teeth with each hit. It sucks. I just said there's no trick, but you do kind of get numb to it afterwhile. Good luck with life, and you should keep writing. You're a great writer and i love reading your stuff week after week.
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