Piston Hyundai
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #172 - "Incomplete"
- Thread starter Cowlick
- Start date
- Status
Nope. Mine's in it and so is your'sYes, and it's still missing myself and nezumi. Ours were submitted in the grace period
They are sorted alphabetically, not in order of submission.You're messing with the system, Cowlick! THE SYSTEM!Nope. Mine's in it and so is your's
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
In case you haven't noticed Cowlick, we're all babies that are horrified of CHANGE!!!
In case you haven't noticed Cowlick, we're all babies that are horrified of CHANGE!!!
I prefer to think of myself as an old man that's horrified of change.
In case you haven't noticed Cowlick, we're all babies that are horrified of CHANGE!!!
And I'd consider myself more of a maniac lunatic that's horrified of change.
And I guess I'm the guy who comes into the new workplace with a smile and a head of crazy ideas and suggests that, you know, maybe we could order the 12-gauge staples instead of the cheaper 10-gauge kind because the 12-gauges hold 30% more paper, thereby increasing stapling efficiency, and everyone else is like 'no, the way we do it is fine' and I'm like
Madness Always Lurks Close
1406 words
Incomplete? Maybe ineligible. Under pressure? You are to accept it.
Wait long enough and I'll give you an audio version, but I don't know if anybody cares about that.
1406 words
Incomplete? Maybe ineligible. Under pressure? You are to accept it.
Wait long enough and I'll give you an audio version, but I don't know if anybody cares about that.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
I might care about that just because I'm sure my eyes will be tired of reading when I get over to yours. Maybe I should think about doing an audio version of mine?
Mmmmmooooooooooooooooooooo..... I completely didn't see that the deadline was Thurs night. Can I submit a non-eligible entry (again?!)?
I just finished so I'm gonna post it in case it's not too late. But it probably is far too late. *hangs head in shame*
"Norman's Discovery" (1025 words)
edit: gosh now I'm embarrassed that I even posted this up. I'm soooo passed the deadline. Boo!
I just finished so I'm gonna post it in case it's not too late. But it probably is far too late. *hangs head in shame*
"Norman's Discovery" (1025 words)
edit: gosh now I'm embarrassed that I even posted this up. I'm soooo passed the deadline. Boo!
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Are we campaigning? Because I love smear campaigns. *ahem*
I have it on good authority that Mike's next theme will almost exclusively be about beastiality. Ask your selves, do you really want to write about yiffing? Are you really as comfortable as Mike about posting yiff for others to read. Remember, don't vote Mike unless you want this kind of challenge...
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
the only way I'm campaigning is by the asshole drinking game, without having any entry. Ha! I should run for president!
* falls over *
edit:
Banned. For a while already actually.
* falls over *
edit:
Banned. For a while already actually.
Man, where's ronito when you need him?
Are we campaigning? Because I love smear campaigns. *ahem*
I have it on good authority that Mike's next theme will almost exclusively be about beastiality. Ask your selves, do you really want to write about yiffing? Are you really as comfortable as Mike about posting yiff for others to read. Remember, don't vote Mike unless you want this kind of challenge...
FlowersisBritish is neither a plant nor British. If we can't trust him to be honest about his botanical and ethnic heritage, what can we trust him for?
Mike M. His name is Mike, his last initial is M. The honesty we need in CWCGAF, now more than ever.
While I can only confirm Mr. M's discreditation of Mr. Flowers I can't help but be vary about his assurrances of honesty. Tell us Mr. M, who is this Nick N? And in what releation do you stand with this obviously unbalanced and most possibly criminial individum? As long as these questions aren't adressed I strongly advice you, dear people, vote for me. Under my leadership I promise that no citizen of CWCGAF will ever suffer a dealine under 2000 words again! And I'll make it my utmost goal to get amnesty for every deadline violater! Vote Nez!
P.S. Also, I'm a woman. Who doesn't love a woman in power, huh?
P.S. Also, I'm a woman. Who doesn't love a woman in power, huh?
I respect my opponent, the distinguished cat from Germany, but I cannot abide her attempts to conflate the actions of the nefarious Nick N with my campaign. Improbably sexy
though he may be with his full head of luscious, flowing locks of hair, my campaign is in no way associated with him. I repudiate and condem his doings in the strongest possible terms.
though he may be with his full head of luscious, flowing locks of hair, my campaign is in no way associated with him. I repudiate and condem his doings in the strongest possible terms.
If that is in fact the case, then I'm sure that Mr. M will have no objections against a thorough investigation into the matter. In the meanwhile I must however ask my opponent, what will CWCGAF be like under his rule? Are we to see more ridiculous low wordcounts? Will you continue to abuse your power for your own entertainment? Are we to expect more tyranical acts, restricting the creative freedom that should be paramount for this community?
You should vote for a relative newcomer... who looks around and respects how things are done. Does their best not to rock the boat, but rather listens to what the people want (high word count, grace periods, stupid simple secondary).
Not to mention, gives the power back to the people by sitting back and letting whoever feels like it create the submission list and do the vote counting. (not at all because she can't figure it out).
Plus... is a frog.
Who doesn't like a frog in power???
Ribbit.
Not to mention, gives the power back to the people by sitting back and letting whoever feels like it create the submission list and do the vote counting. (not at all because she can't figure it out).
Plus... is a frog.
Who doesn't like a frog in power???
Ribbit.
Yes! Together we can save our tiny nation from the tyranny of dictators!
I am an experienced candidate who knows that while such promises of expansive word counts, generous grace periods, and unchallenging secondary objectives may sound appealing, it's actually writing a check that we can't cash.
Today's CWC threads can't be run on yesterday's rules. We have more participants than ever before, and we only have less time than we used to. We simply cannot afford excessive word counts and an open thread policy to allow entrants who don't think they have to play by the same rules as the rest of us to post willy nilly after the deadline has passed.
Furthermore, I believe in challenging our writers, not coddling them. Nobody ever got better at writing by staying within their comfort zone, and I strive for the betterment of us all.
Mike M: The candidate we need. The candidate we deserve.
Today's CWC threads can't be run on yesterday's rules. We have more participants than ever before, and we only have less time than we used to. We simply cannot afford excessive word counts and an open thread policy to allow entrants who don't think they have to play by the same rules as the rest of us to post willy nilly after the deadline has passed.
Furthermore, I believe in challenging our writers, not coddling them. Nobody ever got better at writing by staying within their comfort zone, and I strive for the betterment of us all.
Mike M: The candidate we need. The candidate we deserve.
Caught earlier, Senator Mike M, who you may know is running a campaign for presidency, was seen stepping on and killing a defenceless, baby caterpillar. We don't have any footage or evidence to back this up but regarding Mike M's nature, it's not hard to believe that he would attack a harmless, beautiful creature. He is a man who has no consideration for others in his actions and just goes to show that he would only serve as a menace to society if he were allowed in to power. Like our viewers are stupid enough to let that happen.
Caught earlier, Senator Mike M, who you may know is running a campaign for presidency, was seen stepping on and killing a defenceless, baby caterpillar. We don't have any footage or evidence to back this up but regarding Mike M's nature, it's not hard to believe that he would attack a harmless, beautiful creature. He is a man who has no consideration for others in his actions and just goes to show that he would only serve as a menace to society if he were allowed in to power. Like our viewers are stupid enough to let that happen.
At this point I'm more worried it may have been trampled by a roaming, kindly looking cow.
I may change my opinion later depending on the harshness levels of the feedback.
All those in favour?
Motion carried. 24 extra hours for everyone.
YAY! Thank you!!!!!! I will now stop harping on about cows.
Great. That's all the world needs. Power hungry geniuses who also happen to be very creative.
Keep me out of your power games. Heck, I'd take another cyanship over that.
And I do come from ye old british isles. Ex colonial super power [and all that it entails] and everything. so more reason to dislike us brits.
Keep me out of your power games. Heck, I'd take another cyanship over that.
And I do come from ye old british isles. Ex colonial super power [and all that it entails] and everything. so more reason to dislike us brits.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
There has been a lot of talk regarding myself and other candidates. A lot of poo rubbing if you catch my drift. I am here to address that I am in fact not only a plural set of plants, but also a plural set of plants with a natural cockney accent. Any contrary information was just me pulling off a very terrible american impersonation.
Now, regarding the other candidates. I'm not calling them a bunch of dirty idea theivers, but i will state that I did post my responses first, and that I find it very suspicious that there might be any similar posts conveniently after mine. To close off this conference, before the sacred ritual of responses then voting, I would like to post a selfie of me staring off intensely into the night as the credits of my life roll by.
THE SACRED RESPONSES
Bear Flexington: I don’t know why you didn’t start with David’s name. He’s the third name we get in the story. You also break tense every now and then, but I’m not a stickler for that kind of thing. I am one for inconsistencies though, so here are some questions: I found it weird that David, after almost being pulled over by a cop, would continue to speed and overtake cards, seems like a dumb move. Your story begins with him sounding like he just decided he’d go to Maggie, but then she’s waiting for him? Some good, for me this story really started to work when we got more personal narration from David showing how crazy he is. Seeing him excited got me excited.
EGM1966: You quickly establish a good metaphor between MC and the weather. So good I wished you went somewhere with it. That part just kind of disappeared. Your dialogue was good with me following the flow even though you didn’t have dialogue cues. Might want to include a few anyway though. Not for every line, but a few to remind us of the flow. I was really liking this until you explained everything that happened at the end. The reader knows what happened because you put enough hints, and showed us enough of their relationship that we could figure it out for ourselves.
Cowlick- There were a couple weird actions in this that didn’t seem to make sense, the big one in my mind being Matt doing air quotes to nothing air quotable. Incidentally, are you a cook? You provide a lot of vivid details about all of the dishes that makes me think you atleast have experience. It’s good detail, but I wished you put in more sensory things like the smells or tastes. This is food, we want them to be savory and mouth watering. So did Matt kill Pitt? I think he might have, but I also didn’t catch enough clues or foreshadowing throughout to really think he did. The only clues I could see were he had a doctor-type brother, and that he put a weird salt on the thing. Maybe there were more hints, but if there weren’t it could really use more foreshadowing. Another confusing aspect, the ending kind of feels like a big sandbag, stopping the story and theorizing?
Izunadono- I love the first person voice throughout this. It’s very strong, and filled with character. That said, I found his inner quips often got too much in the way of plot. The big one in my mind was when Lord had important news, and he made a joke about how he was talking too much like his GF, instead of telling us the important news. Also, why did he get in his GF car instead of the car he was supposed to? This is a guy who previously put more value of the model than her before, and now(before a big meeting) prioritizes her. Maybe the reveal was she was the driver? I dunno? I am legit curious about the ending, what you cut was pretty abrupt. Honestly though, I think you could have easily edited this down, kept the ending, and be just under the word limit.
Shannon: You set up the basics of the world very quickly and efficiently, and I really appreciate it. We get to see Decane play the lute, so in that way you show up how much she loves it, and our understanding of her love grows as the story continues. I thought the verse in the ballads are well done, and I particularly like the part where Decane imagined them happening in front of her. It offered a visual aspect to the song I wished there was more of in the story. There was just a lot of little touches I found through out that really sold this for me, one in particular being how the king kept speaking in rhyme.
Mike M. Oh look, Mike’s dialogue is great. What a surprise. Can you see how shocked my face is? Honestly, what made the story for me wasn’t your dialogue, but all the little bits of descriptions between it. Seeing his panic and stress as he’s constantly trying to retake the situation makes this story super tense in a great way. Also, the way you show us what the project is within the dialogue without explicitly telling us is fantastic. The only question I found myself asking is what are the bosses motivations? Why shouldn’t humans be allowed to explore space? You have a great ending line, but I feel the punch is a little light without that motivation. Maybe the mystery is part of it, which is fine, but personally i would have liked to know.
Charade: I did really like this overall. I think the twist here on Russian Roulette is great, and would love to see it more fleshed out. The points based on body parts is great, but it left a lot of other details I wanted to know. Are there any limits? After what’s his face died, can someone just go up with the knowledge of which knife is which? Do the guards reset after each session? Who keeps the tally? I also didn’t really get why the MC would feel shame in that exact moment? You didn’t really show us anything to be very shameful about.
DandyCrocodile: The twist here really works because you don’t actually show us any visual descriptions. It’ an easy thing to gloss over, which is why we’re shocked to learn the kid’s blind. Also did the guy steal the CD? That part seemed kind of weird and unexplained to me? Now this is kind of a side rant, so feel free to ignore, but what do you really gain from making her blindness a reveal? Why not be upfront about it? This is just a trend i’ve noticed in a lot of stories recently. My two cents, again feel free to ignore.
Frekifox: So I really liked the world you set up here. The innate conflict of a mechanic world vs the fae’s more natural one is interesting enough, but you add enough little folds to it(like the fae being attracted to metal objects) that it becomes a place I want to see more of. I was a little confused at the end about whether or not she removed the curse? Also you do the switching narration amazingly, and each one offers their own insights to the world, but I can’t help wonder if the story wouldn’t be a little strong focusing on either one or the other. In a lot of scenes, I was very curious about how the other character perceived them. Maybe that’s just a testament to how interesting each character is.
Cathy: I did not get the ending. At first, I thought the entire thing was a dream sequence, with the tiny details and facts switching on us increasingly throughout. I did enjoy this part of the story, it was very subtle and surreal. It made a lot of sense when i thought it was a dream. But the virus talk really threw me for a loop. Also, I think the office set up you created, with a conflict of structure and hipstery freedom, was an interesting place for a story.
Cyan: This will seem like a minor gripe, but roll with me here, it seems like a huge jump between helping a queen and releasing a terrifying immortal monster. In general, I feel like there needs to be a pre existing knowledge of these stories to get the full impact. Your summaries of them remove a lot of the complexities from the originals, and I find the story of these to be very complex. It is a riddle to figure out the old man’s story through the stories he tells. I had a lot of fun doing this, but again the summaries made it 1) a little too easy and 2) the simplified versions made this professional storyteller a little too amateurish.
Ainsz: Gonna be honest, I super forgot which one was yours, and decided to roll with it. I am so glad I did. At first, I was really enjoying the cooky dessert people, that cactus conversation killed me. I was like “oh this is pretty cute trip to the desert, I wonder where this is headi-oh sweet jesus.” When the wife got brutally killed I lost my shit and spat drink everywhere. It was great and I instantly remembered which was yours. The general kidnapping was kind of quick, but the creepy lamb part made up for that. It didn’t really explain anything about the last story for me, but I did find the ending really creepy.
Kelesto: You created an interesting world, but it felt weirdly existential. Maybe because of the giant expanse known simply as “the Nothingness.” The major conflict of two guys to a girl is pretty dark, and is a super valid reason to get the hell out. It’s also a great way to tell us a decent amount of the world at large. The story felt like it ended way too early for me. I was constantly wondering about the after. How did they get out, was it as easy as walking out? Did they just leave what’s her face? Would a place low on women just let two leave without a fight? I was really curious about the after here.
Ashes: I really loved the chapter thing in this. It gave the impression the story was much longer than it actually was. Really felt like the end of a book I would have loved to read. The world you’ve created is really interesting, in large part because Author is really interesting. He’s a great main character, same with Poeta. I almost unconditionally loved this thing if it weren’t for the ending. That last chapter was cute, but it felt kind of tonally off with the horrible massacre they just walked away from. It’s not just that, the dialogue at the end also felt a little too moderny compared to the rest of the dialogue and prose early on.
Nezumi: This was a lot of fun. I could just imagine it as one of those opening cartoons to a pixar movie. I really like how the one spot without a tile is in the middle of his face, ruining the entire thing. And then the thought of even trying to find the one missing black tile, like one terrible needle in a haystack. The thing that killed me the most was how he walked away from the entire problem. This was just a lot of fun for me to read.
Neener: I really like your description of the witch. It’s just nice and gross. The entire situation is pretty interesting to me, how these were two beautiful women are turned into monsters because of a curse from their mom. Honestly, they feel more like the main characters than Joe. A lot of your descriptions were on point, especially when he turned into a frog. I really wished we could have seen some more reactions from the other hostages. They were just kinda there and dead.
Ward: I don’t know what I expected from your voice, but it wasn’t that. I don’t know what I expected at all in retrospect. For the most part you have a nice voice and your diction is pretty good. It was only when you tried to do the dialogue that I didn’t like. I don’t know, you tried to do a differentiating voice and I don’t think that voice worked out.
Tangent: I feel this got a little too confusing so I didn’t really get it. From the way I read it, Norman was the scientist and he was reading an article about himself he didn’t remember doing? That’s cool. I don’t know why he didn't just reread the article when he left? Or why it was so difficult to find the article if he took all the photos of it? Anyway, if Norman is the scientist, you tell us that in the beginning, why treat it like a reveal at the end?
the votes
1)Ainsz
2)Shannon
3)Ashes
and an honorable mention to FlowersisBritish for being a swell down to earth plural set of plants that anyone could vote for.
Now, regarding the other candidates. I'm not calling them a bunch of dirty idea theivers, but i will state that I did post my responses first, and that I find it very suspicious that there might be any similar posts conveniently after mine. To close off this conference, before the sacred ritual of responses then voting, I would like to post a selfie of me staring off intensely into the night as the credits of my life roll by.
THE SACRED RESPONSES
Bear Flexington: I don’t know why you didn’t start with David’s name. He’s the third name we get in the story. You also break tense every now and then, but I’m not a stickler for that kind of thing. I am one for inconsistencies though, so here are some questions: I found it weird that David, after almost being pulled over by a cop, would continue to speed and overtake cards, seems like a dumb move. Your story begins with him sounding like he just decided he’d go to Maggie, but then she’s waiting for him? Some good, for me this story really started to work when we got more personal narration from David showing how crazy he is. Seeing him excited got me excited.
EGM1966: You quickly establish a good metaphor between MC and the weather. So good I wished you went somewhere with it. That part just kind of disappeared. Your dialogue was good with me following the flow even though you didn’t have dialogue cues. Might want to include a few anyway though. Not for every line, but a few to remind us of the flow. I was really liking this until you explained everything that happened at the end. The reader knows what happened because you put enough hints, and showed us enough of their relationship that we could figure it out for ourselves.
Cowlick- There were a couple weird actions in this that didn’t seem to make sense, the big one in my mind being Matt doing air quotes to nothing air quotable. Incidentally, are you a cook? You provide a lot of vivid details about all of the dishes that makes me think you atleast have experience. It’s good detail, but I wished you put in more sensory things like the smells or tastes. This is food, we want them to be savory and mouth watering. So did Matt kill Pitt? I think he might have, but I also didn’t catch enough clues or foreshadowing throughout to really think he did. The only clues I could see were he had a doctor-type brother, and that he put a weird salt on the thing. Maybe there were more hints, but if there weren’t it could really use more foreshadowing. Another confusing aspect, the ending kind of feels like a big sandbag, stopping the story and theorizing?
Izunadono- I love the first person voice throughout this. It’s very strong, and filled with character. That said, I found his inner quips often got too much in the way of plot. The big one in my mind was when Lord had important news, and he made a joke about how he was talking too much like his GF, instead of telling us the important news. Also, why did he get in his GF car instead of the car he was supposed to? This is a guy who previously put more value of the model than her before, and now(before a big meeting) prioritizes her. Maybe the reveal was she was the driver? I dunno? I am legit curious about the ending, what you cut was pretty abrupt. Honestly though, I think you could have easily edited this down, kept the ending, and be just under the word limit.
Shannon: You set up the basics of the world very quickly and efficiently, and I really appreciate it. We get to see Decane play the lute, so in that way you show up how much she loves it, and our understanding of her love grows as the story continues. I thought the verse in the ballads are well done, and I particularly like the part where Decane imagined them happening in front of her. It offered a visual aspect to the song I wished there was more of in the story. There was just a lot of little touches I found through out that really sold this for me, one in particular being how the king kept speaking in rhyme.
Mike M. Oh look, Mike’s dialogue is great. What a surprise. Can you see how shocked my face is? Honestly, what made the story for me wasn’t your dialogue, but all the little bits of descriptions between it. Seeing his panic and stress as he’s constantly trying to retake the situation makes this story super tense in a great way. Also, the way you show us what the project is within the dialogue without explicitly telling us is fantastic. The only question I found myself asking is what are the bosses motivations? Why shouldn’t humans be allowed to explore space? You have a great ending line, but I feel the punch is a little light without that motivation. Maybe the mystery is part of it, which is fine, but personally i would have liked to know.
Charade: I did really like this overall. I think the twist here on Russian Roulette is great, and would love to see it more fleshed out. The points based on body parts is great, but it left a lot of other details I wanted to know. Are there any limits? After what’s his face died, can someone just go up with the knowledge of which knife is which? Do the guards reset after each session? Who keeps the tally? I also didn’t really get why the MC would feel shame in that exact moment? You didn’t really show us anything to be very shameful about.
DandyCrocodile: The twist here really works because you don’t actually show us any visual descriptions. It’ an easy thing to gloss over, which is why we’re shocked to learn the kid’s blind. Also did the guy steal the CD? That part seemed kind of weird and unexplained to me? Now this is kind of a side rant, so feel free to ignore, but what do you really gain from making her blindness a reveal? Why not be upfront about it? This is just a trend i’ve noticed in a lot of stories recently. My two cents, again feel free to ignore.
Frekifox: So I really liked the world you set up here. The innate conflict of a mechanic world vs the fae’s more natural one is interesting enough, but you add enough little folds to it(like the fae being attracted to metal objects) that it becomes a place I want to see more of. I was a little confused at the end about whether or not she removed the curse? Also you do the switching narration amazingly, and each one offers their own insights to the world, but I can’t help wonder if the story wouldn’t be a little strong focusing on either one or the other. In a lot of scenes, I was very curious about how the other character perceived them. Maybe that’s just a testament to how interesting each character is.
Cathy: I did not get the ending. At first, I thought the entire thing was a dream sequence, with the tiny details and facts switching on us increasingly throughout. I did enjoy this part of the story, it was very subtle and surreal. It made a lot of sense when i thought it was a dream. But the virus talk really threw me for a loop. Also, I think the office set up you created, with a conflict of structure and hipstery freedom, was an interesting place for a story.
Cyan: This will seem like a minor gripe, but roll with me here, it seems like a huge jump between helping a queen and releasing a terrifying immortal monster. In general, I feel like there needs to be a pre existing knowledge of these stories to get the full impact. Your summaries of them remove a lot of the complexities from the originals, and I find the story of these to be very complex. It is a riddle to figure out the old man’s story through the stories he tells. I had a lot of fun doing this, but again the summaries made it 1) a little too easy and 2) the simplified versions made this professional storyteller a little too amateurish.
Ainsz: Gonna be honest, I super forgot which one was yours, and decided to roll with it. I am so glad I did. At first, I was really enjoying the cooky dessert people, that cactus conversation killed me. I was like “oh this is pretty cute trip to the desert, I wonder where this is headi-oh sweet jesus.” When the wife got brutally killed I lost my shit and spat drink everywhere. It was great and I instantly remembered which was yours. The general kidnapping was kind of quick, but the creepy lamb part made up for that. It didn’t really explain anything about the last story for me, but I did find the ending really creepy.
Kelesto: You created an interesting world, but it felt weirdly existential. Maybe because of the giant expanse known simply as “the Nothingness.” The major conflict of two guys to a girl is pretty dark, and is a super valid reason to get the hell out. It’s also a great way to tell us a decent amount of the world at large. The story felt like it ended way too early for me. I was constantly wondering about the after. How did they get out, was it as easy as walking out? Did they just leave what’s her face? Would a place low on women just let two leave without a fight? I was really curious about the after here.
Ashes: I really loved the chapter thing in this. It gave the impression the story was much longer than it actually was. Really felt like the end of a book I would have loved to read. The world you’ve created is really interesting, in large part because Author is really interesting. He’s a great main character, same with Poeta. I almost unconditionally loved this thing if it weren’t for the ending. That last chapter was cute, but it felt kind of tonally off with the horrible massacre they just walked away from. It’s not just that, the dialogue at the end also felt a little too moderny compared to the rest of the dialogue and prose early on.
Nezumi: This was a lot of fun. I could just imagine it as one of those opening cartoons to a pixar movie. I really like how the one spot without a tile is in the middle of his face, ruining the entire thing. And then the thought of even trying to find the one missing black tile, like one terrible needle in a haystack. The thing that killed me the most was how he walked away from the entire problem. This was just a lot of fun for me to read.
Neener: I really like your description of the witch. It’s just nice and gross. The entire situation is pretty interesting to me, how these were two beautiful women are turned into monsters because of a curse from their mom. Honestly, they feel more like the main characters than Joe. A lot of your descriptions were on point, especially when he turned into a frog. I really wished we could have seen some more reactions from the other hostages. They were just kinda there and dead.
Ward: I don’t know what I expected from your voice, but it wasn’t that. I don’t know what I expected at all in retrospect. For the most part you have a nice voice and your diction is pretty good. It was only when you tried to do the dialogue that I didn’t like. I don’t know, you tried to do a differentiating voice and I don’t think that voice worked out.
Tangent: I feel this got a little too confusing so I didn’t really get it. From the way I read it, Norman was the scientist and he was reading an article about himself he didn’t remember doing? That’s cool. I don’t know why he didn't just reread the article when he left? Or why it was so difficult to find the article if he took all the photos of it? Anyway, if Norman is the scientist, you tell us that in the beginning, why treat it like a reveal at the end?
the votes
1)Ainsz
2)Shannon
3)Ashes
and an honorable mention to FlowersisBritish for being a swell down to earth plural set of plants that anyone could vote for.
ENTRY SPOILERS
The car that picked him up from the Lord was in the US -- at Gatwick his GF picked him up. It's the sort of time jump that I edited out, there was more frustration with him trying to solve the problem with the model (I'll explain...)
The house he was building was for him and his girlfriend, he just didn't know. He couldn't finish the small bedroom because the Lord didn't know if they wanted children. Before, on his way to the US airport he considered if the model was in fact impossible to build the way it was supposed to. And instead of thinking the requirements were wrong, he considered about removing the room entirely. But of course he brushed it off as being incredibly unlikely.
The plans for the model were done in such a way that there was no solution for the size. If he has a kid, make it smaller. No big deal. If not, remove it. The house probably won't be in New York though ha-ha.
But yeah, I had to cut both his consideration about the small room, and that when he got back to the funeral, the wife asked him if he was having any trouble "building his gift". It would end there and it would be obvious that she knew it wasn't possible, and mentioning it was his gift.
Okay, this feedback may not be the most coherent, but I'm just going to let my sleep-deprived brain do the talking and hope I'm not pushed out on an ice floe by the morning.
First, my votes:
1. By David Gepet
I'll be honest: this kind of story is my weakness. A scorpion story, a sting in the tail. It was a little strange to transpose from Conrad's POV (Conrad had become accustomed to funerals a great opening line, by the way) to Madeline (When did he have time to write this?) but I didn't really notice until I read it a second time, just to see what I'd missed once I got to *that* revelation. Did we need to spend as much time on the "Orphan" story as we did? Part of me wonders, yet the other part did experience Madeline's thoughts as I wondered what parts were meant to reflect her, so perhaps... yes. (Even though I wanted to get back to the Madeline/Conrad threads that were dangled so well in the first half.) And I like how though you gave Madeline the last words of Conrad's novel, you don't give them to us. A nice idea that held well throughout.
2. Maybe
Points here go to the great use of theme: both on the main character physically and his sense of emotional completeness with regards to Linda. Tense is a little muddled throughout, but your dialogue took me through a great push-pull machine and I wanted, somehow, for Frank to get at least a sense of closure. Hope, perhaps, is the next best thing. Straightaway establishing Frank's missing limb went a long way towards wanting this guy to have a win, though if his anger is only mentioned and not demonstrated... though maybe its lack is representative of how he has mellowed since he was with Linda. But still... dem feels. Great story.
3. Status Update
As with my first pick, my third pick gets the nod for the journey it takes us on, and the ending that makes us examine every footstep. The reveal provides great method to the preceding corporate verbal volleyball madness if I'm reading it right, your MC is an otherworldly undercover visitor looking to delay progress into space exploration? If so, why should he feel any worry at all at his dressing down? I get that delays would be noticed, and attention would compromise his covert mission, but the emotions that are suggested to us are ones tied to personal stake the loss of a job rather than a grand overarching mission. Just a note on characterisation and style, however: each character tended to sound similar, and sentence rhythm gets bogged down by a preference for multisyllabic words in one sentence we have: voluminous, innumerable, overflowing, preponderance; and in one line of dialogue: "The institutional inertia was insurmountable" (plus bonus alliteration!) They're not difficult words, just constant speed bumps when we're wanting to put it in fifth gear and feel the open road. Still, a great story idea that kept me reading.
And for everyone else!
Beyond the Gates
A world that offers many questions, and we only receive some of the answers. I see the theme running behind the likes of "The Nothingness", but I needed to know what was at stake of leaving the town besides... something, maybe, happening. The character of Mal came to life for me in a way that Mary or Lara didn't even the small things like the gravel in his voice went a long way towards that.
A Ballad for a King
Fantasy tends to go over my head the best of times, but I was happy to let this one carry me away on its gentle stream of song verse. Some great instances of description ("like a painting that'd been left out in the rain") really help to make this one move like silk on the page.
An Untold Story
I felt as though the method of storytelling here kept me at arm's distance, emotionally, from the narrative. It all came to life well enough, but telling us these three stories after the fact, and assuring us they mean something in relation to what's coming... I don't know. There's no one to play foil to the storyteller's riddles. Perhaps it needs one?
Architect
This one does a great job of setting up the characters and what's at stake, yet by the time we get to the end we're racing at full pelt towards a word count that cuts off just as we needed things to round out. The first-person viewpoint serves the story idea really well, but this either needed to be a third longer near the end or cut by a third near the start.
Coding
Inside Out, but with computer viruses, right? A fun take on the cube farm pressure cooker of bad bosses and worse coffee.
The Cursed Heart
I really liked the rhythm of this story. A great pace with an ending that, I think, was designed to leave to our interpretation? It worked to keep it lingering in my mind after reading, at any rate!
Freedom's Chance
"Shame in my eyes" ... I'm guessing the main character had zero points? Or heaps of points, the shame coming from being such an easy-stab target? Help me out here, because your central concept is great! If ever there's a revision challenge, I'd love to read a second draft.
A Jump in the Desert
Car breaks down. Car gets fixed. Car continues on journey. Things were fine, then not fine, then fine again. I didn't find much of a hook here or, besides the missing CD (why?), an agent of change. Nothing was at risk besides their journey, for which we are never given the stakes (an important meeting, a birthday, a trip to the hospital). It needed some meat in the sandwich.
Mosaic
My smile only got wider the more I read, and by the end it was a full on cheesy grin. A really fun Mr Bean-esque tale.
Part Two
"The large masked man hands a carving fork and knife to the new sheep, who makes the first cut in to the lamb." Legit chills. Like a good horror movie, this starts off with naught of a hint of the creep factor that's coming, which makes its impact all the more heavy. Really great stuff and I'm not just saying that so you won't come at me with a rope and throw me in the back of your minivan.
Toad
So the kiss was the point of difference between Joe and the others the spell working where before it had failed? The only muddy point in an otherwise solid story, with great description of your witchy characters and Joe's toady fate.
Untitled
"If he checks the trunk " Oh, so there's a body in there.
"He thought about all the dumping he'd done here over the years." Right, so we're dumping the body in the swampland.
"Without bothering to resolve the situation in the trunk, he crossed the lot for Maggie's." Wait, what?
I sense there's a seedy tale here of murder and love, somewhere
The Wind that Breaks the Willow
From your Secret Squirrel hidden quote message (yes, I found it!) it seems that this is the latest (and final) adventures of Author Philosopher, meaning it's a punchline to a joke that this junior is coming in late to. I'm sorry I'm not able to get as much out of it as more seasoned CreativeGAFfers, but for what it's worth I liked the Monty Python-ish turn it took in the final part.
First, my votes:
1. By David Gepet
I'll be honest: this kind of story is my weakness. A scorpion story, a sting in the tail. It was a little strange to transpose from Conrad's POV (Conrad had become accustomed to funerals a great opening line, by the way) to Madeline (When did he have time to write this?) but I didn't really notice until I read it a second time, just to see what I'd missed once I got to *that* revelation. Did we need to spend as much time on the "Orphan" story as we did? Part of me wonders, yet the other part did experience Madeline's thoughts as I wondered what parts were meant to reflect her, so perhaps... yes. (Even though I wanted to get back to the Madeline/Conrad threads that were dangled so well in the first half.) And I like how though you gave Madeline the last words of Conrad's novel, you don't give them to us. A nice idea that held well throughout.
2. Maybe
Points here go to the great use of theme: both on the main character physically and his sense of emotional completeness with regards to Linda. Tense is a little muddled throughout, but your dialogue took me through a great push-pull machine and I wanted, somehow, for Frank to get at least a sense of closure. Hope, perhaps, is the next best thing. Straightaway establishing Frank's missing limb went a long way towards wanting this guy to have a win, though if his anger is only mentioned and not demonstrated... though maybe its lack is representative of how he has mellowed since he was with Linda. But still... dem feels. Great story.
3. Status Update
As with my first pick, my third pick gets the nod for the journey it takes us on, and the ending that makes us examine every footstep. The reveal provides great method to the preceding corporate verbal volleyball madness if I'm reading it right, your MC is an otherworldly undercover visitor looking to delay progress into space exploration? If so, why should he feel any worry at all at his dressing down? I get that delays would be noticed, and attention would compromise his covert mission, but the emotions that are suggested to us are ones tied to personal stake the loss of a job rather than a grand overarching mission. Just a note on characterisation and style, however: each character tended to sound similar, and sentence rhythm gets bogged down by a preference for multisyllabic words in one sentence we have: voluminous, innumerable, overflowing, preponderance; and in one line of dialogue: "The institutional inertia was insurmountable" (plus bonus alliteration!) They're not difficult words, just constant speed bumps when we're wanting to put it in fifth gear and feel the open road. Still, a great story idea that kept me reading.
And for everyone else!
Beyond the Gates
A world that offers many questions, and we only receive some of the answers. I see the theme running behind the likes of "The Nothingness", but I needed to know what was at stake of leaving the town besides... something, maybe, happening. The character of Mal came to life for me in a way that Mary or Lara didn't even the small things like the gravel in his voice went a long way towards that.
A Ballad for a King
Fantasy tends to go over my head the best of times, but I was happy to let this one carry me away on its gentle stream of song verse. Some great instances of description ("like a painting that'd been left out in the rain") really help to make this one move like silk on the page.
An Untold Story
I felt as though the method of storytelling here kept me at arm's distance, emotionally, from the narrative. It all came to life well enough, but telling us these three stories after the fact, and assuring us they mean something in relation to what's coming... I don't know. There's no one to play foil to the storyteller's riddles. Perhaps it needs one?
Architect
This one does a great job of setting up the characters and what's at stake, yet by the time we get to the end we're racing at full pelt towards a word count that cuts off just as we needed things to round out. The first-person viewpoint serves the story idea really well, but this either needed to be a third longer near the end or cut by a third near the start.
Coding
Inside Out, but with computer viruses, right? A fun take on the cube farm pressure cooker of bad bosses and worse coffee.
The Cursed Heart
I really liked the rhythm of this story. A great pace with an ending that, I think, was designed to leave to our interpretation? It worked to keep it lingering in my mind after reading, at any rate!
Freedom's Chance
"Shame in my eyes" ... I'm guessing the main character had zero points? Or heaps of points, the shame coming from being such an easy-stab target? Help me out here, because your central concept is great! If ever there's a revision challenge, I'd love to read a second draft.
A Jump in the Desert
Car breaks down. Car gets fixed. Car continues on journey. Things were fine, then not fine, then fine again. I didn't find much of a hook here or, besides the missing CD (why?), an agent of change. Nothing was at risk besides their journey, for which we are never given the stakes (an important meeting, a birthday, a trip to the hospital). It needed some meat in the sandwich.
Mosaic
My smile only got wider the more I read, and by the end it was a full on cheesy grin. A really fun Mr Bean-esque tale.
Part Two
"The large masked man hands a carving fork and knife to the new sheep, who makes the first cut in to the lamb." Legit chills. Like a good horror movie, this starts off with naught of a hint of the creep factor that's coming, which makes its impact all the more heavy. Really great stuff and I'm not just saying that so you won't come at me with a rope and throw me in the back of your minivan.
Toad
So the kiss was the point of difference between Joe and the others the spell working where before it had failed? The only muddy point in an otherwise solid story, with great description of your witchy characters and Joe's toady fate.
Untitled
"If he checks the trunk " Oh, so there's a body in there.
"He thought about all the dumping he'd done here over the years." Right, so we're dumping the body in the swampland.
"Without bothering to resolve the situation in the trunk, he crossed the lot for Maggie's." Wait, what?
I sense there's a seedy tale here of murder and love, somewhere
The Wind that Breaks the Willow
From your Secret Squirrel hidden quote message (yes, I found it!) it seems that this is the latest (and final) adventures of Author Philosopher, meaning it's a punchline to a joke that this junior is coming in late to. I'm sorry I'm not able to get as much out of it as more seasoned CreativeGAFfers, but for what it's worth I liked the Monty Python-ish turn it took in the final part.
Dandy Crocodile
Member
Oh, I didn't really intend Aaron's blindness to be a twist...
I was just trying the "show not tell" thing. Audiobook, no visual descriptions, guide dog...
Maybe I just didn't pull it off!
Guess who had that planned but forgot to put in the line of dialogue?
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Ah okay. A twist was just the way I read it *shrugs* You did do the show don't tell thing well, but I just didn't get that they were blind until the very end. Thus, why it felt like a twist to me. I might just be dumb, so...
I'm still working on feedback, but I would echo the sentiment that the blindness thing felt like it was being structured to be a big reveal. I got it when the mom was talking about the dog stopping at the weeds, but it seemed that everything was in service of the "What did he look like?" line being the pay off.
You know, I didn't even think about that as a potential problem. Good point!
Some really interesting stuff! I always find it hard to pick just three to vote for.
Votes:
#1 - A Matter of Taste
#2 - By David Gepet
#3 - The Cursed Heart
A Ballad for a King
I liked the imagery of the ghosts and you wrote a great song Im really hoping someone comes along with a lute and puts a tune too
An Untold Story
Good opening line that keeps you reading. I was really pulled in by the telling of the first and third stories but I thought it kinda fell at the third story. I was expecting a unique story Id never heard before and it turned out to be another story Id heard so many times before. I also wasnt a fan of the *cough* touch, but I knew you were trying to establish the characters state better. Overall though it was an easy and flowing read.
Architect
I like how your MC had to call the guy Lord' even though it was modern-day Manhattan. The formatting and use of quotations threw me off at times and I did feel as if this was a story where not much really happened. The two characters interacting flowed nicely though.
By David Gepet
I think you did a great job making a complete short story with an ending I didnt guess at! I liked the concept of the piece and the surprise ending. I think you switched fences and perspectives at times however which can be jarring. Other than mechanics, I really liked this one.
The Cursed Heart
I like the tone of the piece. You're good at imagery. Always good mechanics and I liked the dialogue between the two, especially when I know your MC is Scottish
Freedom's Chance
I liked the setting and the idea of the story. I'm not sure I understand though- they get points for stabbing themselves, but it seems unlikely for survival if they do, so why would they risk it? Are they that desperate that death would be better than prison?
A Jump in the Desert
Well written and I like how you didn't say he was blind, we just realized it as the story went on. Great showing not telling. Did Jeff steal his last cd? I was a bit confused at the abrupt ending. Might have been stronger without it perhaps.
A Matter of Taste
Really well written and keeps you reading. Good descriptions and believable characters. I like what you did with the prompt. I Liked it!
Maybe
Convincing dialogue of two people ending a relationship. It was interesting how he has just a stump and you did a good job with tone. I did think it read more like a vignette and not so much a short story.
Mosaic
Short and sweet. I liked how we progressed to the man's disenchantment with the eternal mosaic. I liked it. The setting was different and its not the type of story you read often. This was one of my favorites.
Part Two
I think this is still an interesting premise, as dark as it is! Might make a good horror book. Word choices seemed sometimes odd for me however, such as liquid thudding which I don't think I've ever heard liquid thud.
Status Update
Well written as usual and an interesting world/story. I did find it a bit more taxing to read than your usual stuff just based on the longer dialogue and paragraphs but I understand that was the style of your characters and you were adding to the tone of the piece which you did well.
Toad
Cute story and flows nicely. The description of the witches was good and I liked how it was a complete short story. The ending was no surprise however, which was why it didnt get my vote. This story was also one of my favorites though and I think overall its a good story.
Untitled
It starts out interesting but I got confused as the story went on. Is he just an insane killer? Why would he stop at Maggie's? Did I miss something? There seemed to be lots of unanswered questions.
The Wind that Breaks the Willow
What an interesting world! I really wanted this to be a full book I could take my time reading the setup and character arc as I felt like I was coming in too late to this story. Your characters and aspects of the piece were really interesting though. The ending lost it for me, but I think you have something here. I felt like I needed to reread some parts as things moved fast and I felt I was coming in at the end of a book. I enjoyed reading this.
Coding
This story brought me back to my youth watching Are You Afraid of the Dark and sleeping with the light on I think you did a great job of letting the story play out and flow with the surprise ending. The only thing that lost me was trying to wrap my head around them being code, but in the beginning they were getting coffee, chatting, etc , so I was torn out of the story thinking they were human, but they were code. Overall however, I think you made an interesting easy read.
Votes:
#1 - A Matter of Taste
#2 - By David Gepet
#3 - The Cursed Heart
A Ballad for a King
I liked the imagery of the ghosts and you wrote a great song Im really hoping someone comes along with a lute and puts a tune too
An Untold Story
Good opening line that keeps you reading. I was really pulled in by the telling of the first and third stories but I thought it kinda fell at the third story. I was expecting a unique story Id never heard before and it turned out to be another story Id heard so many times before. I also wasnt a fan of the *cough* touch, but I knew you were trying to establish the characters state better. Overall though it was an easy and flowing read.
Architect
I like how your MC had to call the guy Lord' even though it was modern-day Manhattan. The formatting and use of quotations threw me off at times and I did feel as if this was a story where not much really happened. The two characters interacting flowed nicely though.
By David Gepet
I think you did a great job making a complete short story with an ending I didnt guess at! I liked the concept of the piece and the surprise ending. I think you switched fences and perspectives at times however which can be jarring. Other than mechanics, I really liked this one.
The Cursed Heart
I like the tone of the piece. You're good at imagery. Always good mechanics and I liked the dialogue between the two, especially when I know your MC is Scottish
Freedom's Chance
I liked the setting and the idea of the story. I'm not sure I understand though- they get points for stabbing themselves, but it seems unlikely for survival if they do, so why would they risk it? Are they that desperate that death would be better than prison?
A Jump in the Desert
Well written and I like how you didn't say he was blind, we just realized it as the story went on. Great showing not telling. Did Jeff steal his last cd? I was a bit confused at the abrupt ending. Might have been stronger without it perhaps.
A Matter of Taste
Really well written and keeps you reading. Good descriptions and believable characters. I like what you did with the prompt. I Liked it!
Maybe
Convincing dialogue of two people ending a relationship. It was interesting how he has just a stump and you did a good job with tone. I did think it read more like a vignette and not so much a short story.
Mosaic
Short and sweet. I liked how we progressed to the man's disenchantment with the eternal mosaic. I liked it. The setting was different and its not the type of story you read often. This was one of my favorites.
Part Two
I think this is still an interesting premise, as dark as it is! Might make a good horror book. Word choices seemed sometimes odd for me however, such as liquid thudding which I don't think I've ever heard liquid thud.
Status Update
Well written as usual and an interesting world/story. I did find it a bit more taxing to read than your usual stuff just based on the longer dialogue and paragraphs but I understand that was the style of your characters and you were adding to the tone of the piece which you did well.
Toad
Cute story and flows nicely. The description of the witches was good and I liked how it was a complete short story. The ending was no surprise however, which was why it didnt get my vote. This story was also one of my favorites though and I think overall its a good story.
Untitled
It starts out interesting but I got confused as the story went on. Is he just an insane killer? Why would he stop at Maggie's? Did I miss something? There seemed to be lots of unanswered questions.
The Wind that Breaks the Willow
What an interesting world! I really wanted this to be a full book I could take my time reading the setup and character arc as I felt like I was coming in too late to this story. Your characters and aspects of the piece were really interesting though. The ending lost it for me, but I think you have something here. I felt like I needed to reread some parts as things moved fast and I felt I was coming in at the end of a book. I enjoyed reading this.
Coding
This story brought me back to my youth watching Are You Afraid of the Dark and sleeping with the light on
I think you did a great job of letting the story play out and flow with the surprise ending. The only thing that lost me was trying to wrap my head around them being code, but in the beginning they were getting coffee, chatting, etc , so I was torn out of the story thinking they were human, but they were code. Overall however, I think you made an interesting easy read.Yeah I really had issues with the quotations and formatting haha. It was a learning experience.
I wanted the story to be more about his frustration, not the plot. I'm practicing to see if I can get people to know a character. I can't wait for the next challenge. =D
- Status