Crunched: Nothing jumped out at me as being mechanically deficient, and it wasby and largewell written. I think it could be stronger, however. In particular, the first scene reads like a recitation of a list of events more than it does a narrative, and the ultimate reveal seemed unnecessary since it didnt impart any knowledge that the reader wouldnt have already deduced on their own from the context. Literally from the line do you remember me, we have a very good idea that the porcelain doll is a recreation of his daughter. There were some aspects that I found confusing, as well. It starts with a description of Renault lifting a mold that is described as being heavy, and yet hes only lifting them with his fingernails? Something there is missing to allow the reader to complete the picture. Also, while I admit that my knowledge of ceramics is pretty meager, it read to me that he was recreating the outside world in porcelain for her at full size rather than scale miniatures. That has many logistical problems, not the least of which the size of the molds and kiln required an the speed with which he seemingly made them. Again, something there is missing. The overall concept was great. Kudos for not doing spaceships.
Azih: This one kind of lives or dies by the science of it, and it rang a bit false. Plasma in space being largely super heated gas (Im not sure if it really forms clouds? Maybe after a star goes nova?), it would follow that any ship that is capable of withstanding such an environment for prolonged periods of time would be adequately shielded against the radiation, even if its just an ancillary effect. Even allowing for the radiation to penetrate portions of the ship, plasma typically radiates X-rays, which I dont think are going to really damage solid state storage or whatever medium the AI exists on. This is all me going off half-forgotten physics lessons from a class I rode the curve to a C in nearly 20 years ago, so maybe Im just wildly off base. Questions of the framing device aside, I liked the back and forth between the AI and Jules, and I felt for them when Aye finally succumbed to its fate. It would have been more impactful if the ending wasnt just a summation of the events after the last conversation, but what are you going to do with the word count...
FlowersisBritish: Frankly I think the sci-fi angle on this was unnecessary, and probably served more to undermine the story than enhance it for me. This seems to have been conceived to be a story from the time before commercial air flight with space talk bolted onto it, as all I can think about is how hard a time I can have believing that she would be carrying around physical letters her husband wrote when writing physical letters is already pretty archaic and quaint even in our time. Plus, her husband seems like a colossal dick of the first order to subject her to that. Christ.
dangerbyrnes: There was an edge to this one that I was sad to see never quite when where Id hoped. All of the imagery of the dream-version of his house and the spastic ethereal arm were suitably creepy, but it didnt capitalize on the tone it was building. This read like it was going to be a horror story of man being undone by their own creation, and it kiiiiiiiinda went there in the end, but it didnt go far enough to satisfy me. The protagonist won out against the conflict, but it didnt seem to really cost him anything since he went into the story already missing his arm.
karenq0506: I dont think we spent enough time with Michael and Victor to form any sort of attachment that would cause them drifting apart at the end to have much emotional impact. On a technical/mechanical level, indenting the start of new paragraphs (or if not, putting a full line break between them) is crucial to readability. I mostly read these on my phone, and this was hard for me to follow adequately.
Mike M: Id had the basic premise of this floating around in my head for a while (though in my original conception, they fell into Jupiter). I was going to write something else entirely, but then there was all the news last week about the evidence of a giant ninth planet beyond the orbit of Pluto, and, well, everything just fell together for me. Lately Ive become hyper-aware of my usage of dialogue tags, and have been trying to force myself to use them only when its necessary to identify a new speaker or active conversation between more than two parties. If I don't drop the words "hubristic" and "tenebrous" at least three times a day, I have failed in life.
Sethista: Putting aside technical errors (john not capitalized repeatedly, Ok instead of Okay), what sticks out to me the most is that the contents of her final letter seems a little odd given the stakes. By her own admission, she has no one left behind, so Im not sure what value she sees in a hastily recollected anecdote about the time she kissed one of her friends and how she came to be an astronaut, let alone doing it twice with minor edits between the two drafts. I guess its nice for her that she can go in peace thinking that her life would mean something to others, but Im having trouble seeing how that would be the case.
Ward: The subject matter is similar to something I wrote last year or the year before. I liked it then too for its creepy concept, but the blasé, cavalier attitude and conversation of the two investigators let all the air out of it. That anyone in such a situation would act that way destroyed any possible suspension of disbelief for me. Which is a shame, because the detail at the end about the car being a different color was a great thing to end it on that would have been utterly chilling if not for the random digression about the Simpsons and Family Guy.
Tangent: The contrast of fairy tale conventions with vulgarity is always such a weird thing. Youve got a guy blowing magic bubbles while his son swears a blue streak, it just sets a mismatched tone for me. I was kind of left wanting more, or at the very least to know what the ideas they had were and how it would pertain to the dad needing to come up with something original for serving the animals. The central conflict seemed to have been left unresolved, or at least it was a rather underwhelming he needed to have an idea and came up with one. The end.
frekifox7: Nothing I can tell you about this one that I didnt already tell you. Go read my revised first chapter of Einhorn, its in the Dropbox : P
Cyan: I like to think this just ends abruptly because his canoe capsized and he drowned.
Ashes: I started off really liking this, but the longer it went on the, more incredulous I got. Ive never personally been shot, but if the judge is bleeding out of three bullet wounds, I have a great deal of difficulty believing that he would remain so completely calm and emotionless as he correctly deduces the identity of his assailant. Even before we get to that point, some of his conclusions and deductions seem a bridge too far. In particular, Im not sure what the logical path is for him to go from thinking its a white guy to absolute knowledge that its a black guy. He explained it, true, but nothing about the explanation seemed to lend itself to that conclusion for me. Guess thats the trouble with writing clever clogs is that you have to smarter still, which can be a real uphill challenge.
mu cephi: The protagonist didnt understand in the end, and I dont think I did either. We went from what seemed to be a spaceborne life form satisfying its curiosity to the extinction/assimilation of organic life save for him and the Everything entity? If it had just been the station, thatd be one thing, but I was left with the impression that it was something more cosmic in scale. Not sure I understand why the Everything would keep him alive when it goes and kills everything else, either.
Votes:
1.) Crunched
2.) Ashes
3.) frekifox7
