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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #188 - "Harmony"
- Thread starter Nezumi
- Start date
- Status
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
PSA!
The extended deadline/graceperiod will end in a little less than two hours (Noon PST). If you are almost done but don't think you can make it until then let me now and I'll be just a little bit more gracious
Put a lot of work in and definitely would have liked to enter, but in the end it was not meant to be. Having almost totally different schedules was bad enough, but it would seem something has come up, since I haven't heard from applemancer on skype in days. Generally he always seemed too busy to do much anyway. Oh well, I'll hold out hope that I can put all of the progress to use in a future challenge.
The Settlers
(4705 words)
Red/Flowers
Appreciate you guys waiting.
The list:
WhateverItTakes - Harmony's Discord
Cyan M - The Sea Bride
Tanzih - Overlook
Dandy Cephei - Ashley's Song
Ashzumi - Aperture
Red Flowers - The Settlers
(4705 words)
Red/Flowers
Appreciate you guys waiting.
The list:
WhateverItTakes - Harmony's Discord
Cyan M - The Sea Bride
Tanzih - Overlook
Dandy Cephei - Ashley's Song
Ashzumi - Aperture
Red Flowers - The Settlers
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
I like how we're Red Flowers. Feels like a good team name. Wished one of us noticed that before the end.
Mr and Mrs Cyan... Might want to check your link.
edit: And this after Mike fixed the link!
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z2pcmjb3935crbr/188 - The Sea Bride.pdf?dl=0
edit: And this after Mike fixed the link!
https://www.dropbox.com/s/z2pcmjb3935crbr/188 - The Sea Bride.pdf?dl=0
NipplesAndToes23
Member
Well too late for this shit.
I would've probably gone Cyke M, but on the other hand it sounds like an alt-universe X-man.
Lol
Harmony's Discord:
This was well written and the world was interesting. I also think that Harmony makes an interesting protagonist. Sadly, for me, the story ended when it should have begun. I would have loved to know what happens when Harmony actually goes through with her plan.
The Sea Bride:
As expected this was very polished. It is hard to actually pin point a fault with this one so I'm not really sure why didn't like it all that much. I think one problem had with the plot was that Pell is the only one that tries to do something against the situation. The way you described things the king should have had a full blown revolt at his hands a long time ago. I wondered if maybe the Queen's song is so powerful that she has just enthralled everyone but since Pell heard it as well that's apparently not an option. I liked the detail about the fishermen getting hung by their own nets.
Overlook:
I thought the scene of the board meeting went on a little too long. I also felt that Daisy and Huma might as well have been combined into one person as there didn't seem to be much that made them stand out as individuals.
I loved the scene with the ice cream.
What I had trouble believing that Alicia and George would visit the museum and no one bothers to explain everything to them. There should have been brochures or something like that.
Ashley's Song:
Not sure I'm a fan of alternating first person narrators and I wish the detective would have gotten a bit more spotlight. I did think Elle was well written though. I liked how she gradually got more and more drastic in her methods as she keeps loosing it. I half expected twist where it turns out Ashley was only imagined.
Aperture:
I can't believe with all our joking around we actually DID wait until Saturday morning to write this
The Settlers:
I loved this. So, so good. If I had to nitpick I'd point out that there are one or two times when Pilgrim "sounds" too human although most of the time you managed to keep the balance just fine. There where also some moments in the interaction between her and the alien where I wasn't sure what they meant or what was going on. Might have been intentional though as communication can be like that. All in all I got some strong wall e vibes from this. I love wall e.
Votes:
One would think that with so few entries voting would be easier... it's not.
1.) The Settlers
2.) Harmony's Discord
3.) The Sea Bride
This was well written and the world was interesting. I also think that Harmony makes an interesting protagonist. Sadly, for me, the story ended when it should have begun. I would have loved to know what happens when Harmony actually goes through with her plan.
The Sea Bride:
As expected this was very polished. It is hard to actually pin point a fault with this one so I'm not really sure why didn't like it all that much. I think one problem had with the plot was that Pell is the only one that tries to do something against the situation. The way you described things the king should have had a full blown revolt at his hands a long time ago. I wondered if maybe the Queen's song is so powerful that she has just enthralled everyone but since Pell heard it as well that's apparently not an option. I liked the detail about the fishermen getting hung by their own nets.
Overlook:
I thought the scene of the board meeting went on a little too long. I also felt that Daisy and Huma might as well have been combined into one person as there didn't seem to be much that made them stand out as individuals.
I loved the scene with the ice cream.
What I had trouble believing that Alicia and George would visit the museum and no one bothers to explain everything to them. There should have been brochures or something like that.
Ashley's Song:
Not sure I'm a fan of alternating first person narrators and I wish the detective would have gotten a bit more spotlight. I did think Elle was well written though. I liked how she gradually got more and more drastic in her methods as she keeps loosing it. I half expected twist where it turns out Ashley was only imagined.
Aperture:
I can't believe with all our joking around we actually DID wait until Saturday morning to write this
The Settlers:
I loved this. So, so good. If I had to nitpick I'd point out that there are one or two times when Pilgrim "sounds" too human although most of the time you managed to keep the balance just fine. There where also some moments in the interaction between her and the alien where I wasn't sure what they meant or what was going on. Might have been intentional though as communication can be like that. All in all I got some strong wall e vibes from this. I love wall e.
Votes:
One would think that with so few entries voting would be easier... it's not.
1.) The Settlers
2.) Harmony's Discord
3.) The Sea Bride
- Dandy cephei: Jumping between first person POVs between scenes was confusing in a way I dont think it would have been if it had been in third person (or if even one or the other were third person). I intuited that a switch had been made at the start of the second scene, but I still went back to reread the first part of the first scene to double check myself. That was further complicated when we first had two Elle scenes in a row, where the previous pattern had been to alternate. None of this made it incomprehensible or particularly hard to follow, but they did seem like needless tiny stumbles that could have been smoothed out with only a little bit of tweaking. The legal drama/police procedural aspect of it didnt seem very likely. I suppose its possible that Elle, despite thinking that shes smart and capable enough to get by in the world, is in fact not that smart and capable and wouldnt think that maybe she shouldnt be talking to the police about a dead guy in her condo without a lawyer present. At the very least, if she was the suspect in two previous murders, I doubt the police would release her or that itd take so long to determine that they had probable cause to arrest her. But IANAL (What an unfortunate acronym), so maybe they dont have the power to detain her as a person of interest or whatever.
- Cyke M: It was an interesting thing to juxtapose our processes and styles like that. Cyan came out the gate with a half dozen different pitches he came up with, whereas I went through story ideas I already had on tap to find one that fit and pitched, what happens after the ending of Disneys version of The Little Mermaid? Then there was much discussion about goals and motivations and themeing and conflict, while I was all, I just write shit. This sucker was pared back considerably from where we started, and the more overt hints to the queens identity were stripped out in the process. I think the first completed draft was something on the order of 6700 words, and that was *after* we were aware that it was running long and started tapping the brakes. In the end, though, I think I would have liked those extra words to try and smooth over the problems that Nezumi noted where it would be difficult to believe that things got to this level without there already being an uprising. I tried to Marie Antoinette the guy up as much as I could, but we already had to hack out a quarter of our word count and didnt feel we could dispose with any of the scenes outright, so... there you have it.
- Ashzumi: Pht. Mass is a measurement of the amount of matter in an object while weight is the measure of gravitys pull on it. Everyone knows that : P. The one advantage Americas bass-ackwards Imperial system has over metric is that we dont use the same unit of measurement to describe both measurements. Unless you work in a scientific field, in which case we do metric anyway. But scientific fields are generally the ones that would be concerned with the difference between mass and weight... God damn it. I had a bit of trouble understanding what was going on with this one, the a stories read like fantasy, while the b stories were kind of like an episode of Fringe, only nobody seemed overly concerned about the impending dissolution of reality. The final line leads me to believe that maybe when she went to answer the ad, she went through one of these windows, and maybe some sort of intrinsic magic leaks out and gives people nearby special powers, or something? So many unanswered questions about who placed the ad and why and did it have anything to do with the Sorcerers Apprentice house.
- Red Flowers: Pilgrim was definitely giving WALL-E vibes. Which is impressive, because youre accomplishing in text form what Pixar tried to communicate visually with a minimum of words being used. I particularly liked the idea that it has an analogy drive or whatever that allowed it to make comparisons to other things to contextualize them. Just enough technical details about how a rover with an imagination would possibly work to make it work for me. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that the silver entity was an alien equivalent to Pilgrim and not some baby monster that had imprinted on it like a duckling. It was cute, but in the end it overstayed its welcome with me. Once it became apparent that they were both there to try and plant stuff on Mars, the rest of the story became a foregone conclusion and an exercise in waiting for it to go through the motions and conclude.
- WhateverItTakes: I think anyone who could successfully develop a treatment protocol that involved rendering the mother unconscious without risk to the baby during delivery and then being able to give them a shot that has them back on their feet within minutes afterward would make a stupid amount of money. I have trouble trying to articulate this next point, but I think in a way I didnt get what the point of Harmony was in the first place. If the point was to reinforce their mutual position as the two ruling families to keep other pretenders from the throne at bay, it seems the marriage of Scatchard and Lineweaver should be enough. Whats the functional difference between genuine love and a marriage of convenience insofar as cementing their power is concerned? Harmony doesnt reinforce that any. I suppose it could be argued that shes insurance against either of her parents filing for divorce and launching an attack on the other, but right from the offing where the mother punts her child over to someone else and tells them to keep her quiet, I dont believe her parents even love her, which would nullify even that purpose. Her psychopathic turn at the end was a bit sudden. It makes sense, given her parentage, but there wasnt much in the text leading up to that point that laid the foundation for it.
- Tanzih: Referring to the characters by their full name so frequently was strange for me. I kept wondering if there was going to be a payoff for Alicias last name being dropped so frequently, but it dropped off after the first scene, so now Idunno. I was left with the impression that the trip through the museum with the extrasensory maze stuff was conceived of first and the rest of the story built around that, because everything leading up to the trip during daylight hours feels kind of contrived. Georges and Alicias reason for wanting to shut down the museum is unclear beyond the notion that Georges kind of maybe wants to put the money elsewhere? But if theyre so concerned about the performance of the museum, how could they not be aware that its turning a profit without needing the foundations money to keep it afloat? Alicias hard-on to fire Sylvan was inexplicable to me and didnt seem to have any justification. Georges and Alicia came across as bumbling corporate villains in a family friendly movie, only they didnt have any defined motivation to want to shut the museum down except maybe out of spite for its own sake.
Votes by tomorrow. I need to think on this one.
Hmmmmmmm...
WhateverItTakes
Banned
Ashley's Song: Great use of the theme, and I liked how you guys kept us guessing what Elle did, and if she was even guilty. The scene with the pap didn't hold back as well, which I appreciated.
The Sea Bride: Wow, a Siren is a great use of the theme, and then having a medieval society having to fish with conservation was completely inspired! Plus your language completely pulled me into the setting, good work!
Aperture: I liked both halves of the story (though part a has to win for the curiosity factor) but I'm not sure if I'm missing something, but I couldn't tell if there was a link, or common thread between them. Excellently paced and wonderful to read through however!
The Settlers: Beautiful Sci-Fi. Never thought how probes would think before! Descriptions and actions of the Entity were very descriptive and imaginative, which were the key to the whole piece.
Overlook: This was an interesting idea, and the descriptions of the sensory exhibitions were vivid and imaginative. I have to throw out the criticism that the writing seems quite stilted in places. Sentences without commas to break them up, using your character's full names repeatedly, and a lot of telling, not showing, of who they are, especially at the start, that can feel a little unnatural. I dunno if that was part of the problem with you both having to collaborate but it's just something I noticed. I think reading your prose aloud to yourself is always a helpful tool to check everything is flowing nicely!
Alright, so my ranking:
1st: The Sea Bride
2nd: Ashley's Song
3rd: Aperture
Good work by everyone, but it looks like the Siren's taken me too! I'll respond to what people thought of my own story when the votes are all in.
The Sea Bride: Wow, a Siren is a great use of the theme, and then having a medieval society having to fish with conservation was completely inspired! Plus your language completely pulled me into the setting, good work!
Aperture: I liked both halves of the story (though part a has to win for the curiosity factor) but I'm not sure if I'm missing something, but I couldn't tell if there was a link, or common thread between them. Excellently paced and wonderful to read through however!
The Settlers: Beautiful Sci-Fi. Never thought how probes would think before! Descriptions and actions of the Entity were very descriptive and imaginative, which were the key to the whole piece.
Overlook: This was an interesting idea, and the descriptions of the sensory exhibitions were vivid and imaginative. I have to throw out the criticism that the writing seems quite stilted in places. Sentences without commas to break them up, using your character's full names repeatedly, and a lot of telling, not showing, of who they are, especially at the start, that can feel a little unnatural. I dunno if that was part of the problem with you both having to collaborate but it's just something I noticed. I think reading your prose aloud to yourself is always a helpful tool to check everything is flowing nicely!
Alright, so my ranking:
1st: The Sea Bride
2nd: Ashley's Song
3rd: Aperture
Good work by everyone, but it looks like the Siren's taken me too! I'll respond to what people thought of my own story when the votes are all in.
Dandy Crocodile
Member
WhateverItTakes - This one threw me for a loop. Starting out with those crazy names made me immediately think it was a fantasy setting (except other characters had relatively "normal" names), then phones and journalists were brought up and I think by the end I was operating under the assumption that it was a slightly futuristic setting? Speaking of the end, having Harmony go from a young girl who was disenfranchised with her life thus far to literally plotting to kill one of her parents to incite a civil war in two paragraphs was a bit out of left field in my opinion. Needed more buildup, unless I missed something.
Myank M - The style in this one was difficult for me, as it's something I tend to avoid when reading for pleasure, particularly the dialogue. One of the two I had to reread, just to be sure I understood everything that was going on. All I could pciture during the "dumping barrels of fish into the water" scene was this.
Tanzih - I really liked the tone you two achieved with this. If I were to edit it down I might eliminate some of the dialogue. There's a lot of it, but it did help to solidify the tone so I'm conflicted.
Ashzumi - I kept alternating between fascination and confusion with this one. Maybe that was the goal? Very interesting air of magic throughout the story and the non-chronological switching between the a (Nezumi's I'm guessing) and b (Ashes) sections had me a little confused until the end when of course I had to reread the whole thing now that I had been provided with context.
Red Flowers - Really cool premise! The story was a lot of fun, but it felt like it overstayed its welcome a bit.
1.) Cian N - The Sea Bride
2.) Ashzumi - Aperture
3.) Red Flowers - The Settlers
Myank M - The style in this one was difficult for me, as it's something I tend to avoid when reading for pleasure, particularly the dialogue. One of the two I had to reread, just to be sure I understood everything that was going on. All I could pciture during the "dumping barrels of fish into the water" scene was this.
Tanzih - I really liked the tone you two achieved with this. If I were to edit it down I might eliminate some of the dialogue. There's a lot of it, but it did help to solidify the tone so I'm conflicted.
Ashzumi - I kept alternating between fascination and confusion with this one. Maybe that was the goal? Very interesting air of magic throughout the story and the non-chronological switching between the a (Nezumi's I'm guessing) and b (Ashes) sections had me a little confused until the end when of course I had to reread the whole thing now that I had been provided with context.
Red Flowers - Really cool premise! The story was a lot of fun, but it felt like it overstayed its welcome a bit.
1.) Cian N - The Sea Bride
2.) Ashzumi - Aperture
3.) Red Flowers - The Settlers
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Here's comments for the first few. Will have the rest in the morning. My eye's are about to fall off they're so tire...
Whateverittkaes- Harmony's Discord: I like the big spin where her she is the product of a political marriage. It was the most interesting thing in this entire story for me. Though, i think the set up to it was a little lacking. There wasn't much before that was really grabbing me. It seemed mostly like a "rich girl becomes apathetic from having too much" kind of story, and still kind of was. Tolkein is an interesting literary choice, but I think something like "Little Dorrit" which is about literally born in a debtors prison, would be a better choice. Incidentally, that's my favorite Dickens novel, so obviously I recommend it.
Mike C- The Sea Bride: This was really good. I felt it made the most of the word limit for a lot of turns. Wondering what you cut? Because besides just tremendous amounts of fat, this is pretty tight. Anything involving the queen? I have mixed feelings about her being an unknown. I like how we never see her, only hearing about her in whispers, but I felt there should have been more whispers. You give just enough pieces to figure out she's a sire, but i am still tremendously curious about her.
Tanzih- Overlook: A lot of this worked for me. Mostly the setting. I've always liked museums, and they're not settings you see often. Especially the more business side of museums. Also, the notion of upper management thinking they know what's up but they don't has always appealed to me. Pacing in the beginning feels a little weird to me. I liked the examining in the beginning, and the board meeting was where I really got interested, but it was Sylvan kind of sudden introduction that threw me off. Especially since he's just a 'janitor.' He's the lynchpin of the plot, and when he's introduced the story kind of becomes about him, and I don't know, something about the shift from "Museum with problems" to "Multi sensory exhibits" was a little jarring. Not to say I didn't really like both aspects.
Ashcat- Aperture: At first I really liked this. Haunted house. Parallel stories with only a slight semblance of connection. Antagonistic silverware. all the elements were really jiving with me, but they didn't seem to connect. They did kind of loosely, but it didn't feel significant for five thousand words of travel. That said, I did love both sides of the story, especially that haunted house. Everything happening in it felt imaginative, and the little mysteries within it really had me wondering where the story was going. And the side b stuff was great for it's own style of mysteries on another end. There was enough similar elements in both sides that I really wished they came together into something more.
Dandy Cephei- Ashley's Song: Aw yeah, murder mystery! And this really worked for me as a mystery. A lot of things were just on point, Elle, the flashbacks, the bath scene. You had a lot of really great snippets of writing in this, like the weasel thing, and especially that end. Of all the stories, I think this one had the best climax. It felt like we were leading up to somewhere, and this one had a great somewhere. Great job you two! Couple nitpicks, mainly, why didn't Sergei wait till after the show to bring up the 'change in direction?'
Whateverittkaes- Harmony's Discord: I like the big spin where her she is the product of a political marriage. It was the most interesting thing in this entire story for me. Though, i think the set up to it was a little lacking. There wasn't much before that was really grabbing me. It seemed mostly like a "rich girl becomes apathetic from having too much" kind of story, and still kind of was. Tolkein is an interesting literary choice, but I think something like "Little Dorrit" which is about literally born in a debtors prison, would be a better choice. Incidentally, that's my favorite Dickens novel, so obviously I recommend it.
Mike C- The Sea Bride: This was really good. I felt it made the most of the word limit for a lot of turns. Wondering what you cut? Because besides just tremendous amounts of fat, this is pretty tight. Anything involving the queen? I have mixed feelings about her being an unknown. I like how we never see her, only hearing about her in whispers, but I felt there should have been more whispers. You give just enough pieces to figure out she's a sire, but i am still tremendously curious about her.
Tanzih- Overlook: A lot of this worked for me. Mostly the setting. I've always liked museums, and they're not settings you see often. Especially the more business side of museums. Also, the notion of upper management thinking they know what's up but they don't has always appealed to me. Pacing in the beginning feels a little weird to me. I liked the examining in the beginning, and the board meeting was where I really got interested, but it was Sylvan kind of sudden introduction that threw me off. Especially since he's just a 'janitor.' He's the lynchpin of the plot, and when he's introduced the story kind of becomes about him, and I don't know, something about the shift from "Museum with problems" to "Multi sensory exhibits" was a little jarring. Not to say I didn't really like both aspects.
Ashcat- Aperture: At first I really liked this. Haunted house. Parallel stories with only a slight semblance of connection. Antagonistic silverware. all the elements were really jiving with me, but they didn't seem to connect. They did kind of loosely, but it didn't feel significant for five thousand words of travel. That said, I did love both sides of the story, especially that haunted house. Everything happening in it felt imaginative, and the little mysteries within it really had me wondering where the story was going. And the side b stuff was great for it's own style of mysteries on another end. There was enough similar elements in both sides that I really wished they came together into something more.
Dandy Cephei- Ashley's Song: Aw yeah, murder mystery! And this really worked for me as a mystery. A lot of things were just on point, Elle, the flashbacks, the bath scene. You had a lot of really great snippets of writing in this, like the weasel thing, and especially that end. Of all the stories, I think this one had the best climax. It felt like we were leading up to somewhere, and this one had a great somewhere. Great job you two! Couple nitpicks, mainly, why didn't Sergei wait till after the show to bring up the 'change in direction?'
I am so fried but I felt like I owed it to Azih to finish clunking through these stories and vote!
Votes:
1. Red Flowers -- The Settlers
2. WhateverItTakes -- Harmony's Discord
3. Dandy Cephei
Feedback:
WhateverItTakes - Harmony's Discord: Well the title is so fitting for the character. I like how someone can seem to be so "perfect" one one hand and then plot to kill her own parents. This stuff is for reals! But, having said that, I think I would have benefitted from more elaboration of her internal struggles. Where did they come from? How did they start? How did they spiral out of control?
Cyan M - The Sea Bride: I wish I had known more about the queen in this story; she was an intriguing character and you peaked my interest with her development. On the other hand, I also felt like there were parts of the story that lost its momentum -- take with a grain of salt, of course.
Tanzih - Overlook: I wish we had taken Saturday to polish this up more! It would have been good to tidy up the dialog, to reveal more of how Sylvan felt about his work somehow -- how he might have felt discord or self-consciousness himself and then figured out a way to make it work... And, man, I wished we had started using just first or last names of characters at some point. And made our writing blend into each other's a bit better. Nevertheless, I had so much fun and Azih is the best ever to work with!
Dandy Cephei - Ashley's Song: This was a super fun story. I could have guessed that since I loved Dandy's and Cephei's writing so the combination is a grand slam. I liked Elle's character and I liked how you drew in the reader with keeping us on edge about how she would develop.
Ashzumi - Aperture: Nezumi, how were you able to drag Ashes into Saturday?! That's hilarious! I liked how you two capitalized on each others' style: Ashes' use of section, and Nezumi's skill in fantasy. But it somehow felt a little choppy nevertheless, even though I think that's the style you were going for. Though reading in sections made it easier to read longer stories.
Red Flowers - The Settlers: Very beautiful and polished. I just loved how imaginative and vivid this was. It flowed well, there were no clunky sections, and it was beautifully written. Plus Red Flowers sounds good. But then again, so does AshCat.
Votes:
1. Red Flowers -- The Settlers
2. WhateverItTakes -- Harmony's Discord
3. Dandy Cephei
Feedback:
WhateverItTakes - Harmony's Discord: Well the title is so fitting for the character. I like how someone can seem to be so "perfect" one one hand and then plot to kill her own parents. This stuff is for reals! But, having said that, I think I would have benefitted from more elaboration of her internal struggles. Where did they come from? How did they start? How did they spiral out of control?
Cyan M - The Sea Bride: I wish I had known more about the queen in this story; she was an intriguing character and you peaked my interest with her development. On the other hand, I also felt like there were parts of the story that lost its momentum -- take with a grain of salt, of course.
Tanzih - Overlook: I wish we had taken Saturday to polish this up more! It would have been good to tidy up the dialog, to reveal more of how Sylvan felt about his work somehow -- how he might have felt discord or self-consciousness himself and then figured out a way to make it work... And, man, I wished we had started using just first or last names of characters at some point. And made our writing blend into each other's a bit better. Nevertheless, I had so much fun and Azih is the best ever to work with!
tied with cyan!
Dandy Cephei - Ashley's Song: This was a super fun story. I could have guessed that since I loved Dandy's and Cephei's writing so the combination is a grand slam. I liked Elle's character and I liked how you drew in the reader with keeping us on edge about how she would develop.
Ashzumi - Aperture: Nezumi, how were you able to drag Ashes into Saturday?! That's hilarious! I liked how you two capitalized on each others' style: Ashes' use of section, and Nezumi's skill in fantasy. But it somehow felt a little choppy nevertheless, even though I think that's the style you were going for. Though reading in sections made it easier to read longer stories.
Red Flowers - The Settlers: Very beautiful and polished. I just loved how imaginative and vivid this was. It flowed well, there were no clunky sections, and it was beautifully written. Plus Red Flowers sounds good. But then again, so does AshCat.
back to work. boooo. whine whine.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
My votes:
1. Dandy Cephei- Ashley's song
2. Mike C- The Sea Bride
3. Tanzih- Overlook
1. Dandy Cephei- Ashley's song
2. Mike C- The Sea Bride
3. Tanzih- Overlook
I'm actually having trouble reading. Which isn't so great considering I am supposed to have laser on Friday. Hopefully it clears up before then.
I'll read these some time next week.
I don't know about anyone else but this was so much fun with Nez. We were cracking up at the ending.
Oh and Thank You Mr Nezumi for reading this and fixing up stuff.
I'll read these some time next week.
I don't know about anyone else but this was so much fun with Nez. We were cracking up at the ending.
Oh and Thank You Mr Nezumi for reading this and fixing up stuff.
I'm actually having trouble reading. Which isn't so great considering I am supposed to have laser on Friday. Hopefully it clears up before then.
I'll read these some time next week.
I don't know about anyone else but this was so much fun with Nez. We were cracking up at the ending.
Oh and Thank You Mr Nezumi for reading this and fixing up stuff.
Ouch, hope everything goes well!
And yep, I had fun too. Always interesting to see how other people go about these challenges
Dandy Crocodile
Member
Waiting on Azih's vote still. I've run the tally and while the winner is decided, it's possible we could have a tie (four way?!) if second place gets another 3 points.
Settlers by Red Flowers has a majority of 1st place votes though, so there is a definitive winning pair.
Settlers by Red Flowers has a majority of 1st place votes though, so there is a definitive winning pair.
Harmony
Strong concept and great execution. I quite like the way the idea of knowledge being the most terrible of weapons was conveyed. It's a little unbelievable that the most important girl in the world would manage to get so isolated and not be provided playmate/companions. And also that the smaller families wouldn't push back against the manufactured marriage of the two top dogs but I'm really searching for critiques here.
The Settlers
A challenge with sci fi was most brought home to me by a throwaway line in a Wing Commander novel of all things. "The thing about aliens is, they're alien". Truly alien intelligences should not be understandable by humans and so stories about them would not have any comprehensible motivations. To do otherwise is anthropomorphic.
That being said I think you guys really pulled off the incredibly difficult task of giving human emotions to both Pilgrim and its new friend. Great action as well which is never easy. It's too bad that their joint project of farming won't work as it depends on the tiny amount of water left in Pilgrim's tanks.
Aperture
The two sides of the story didn't quite come together for me and I'm not sure how the fantastical part related to the mundane world being invaded by the fantastic windows and the appearance of magic. The Potter references don't work for me either.
Both sides separately are wonderfully written though.
The Sea Bride
The setting is vividly and wonderfully described and the plight of the conflicted courtiers is as well. Loved how it's never *exactly* revealed who exactly the new bride is but there's more than enough clues left to the reader to figure it out very easily.
Have a hard time accepting that the power of the sea bride is vast enough to keep the entire military in check and the starving population from revolting though. It makes for an evocatively tragic and terrible ending though.
Minor note: I'm conflicted on the use of the term pursuviant? It's a fine word on one hand, on the other, I was confused whether it was referring to Pell or not for quite a bit.
Ashley's Song
The reveal of insanity was really well done here and the out of order timeline worked well. Maybe it went a little too far with the paparazzi though. Both in terms of gore and in terms of how much Ashley was able to get away with especially considering the manners of the death. Great ending scene though
Votes:
1.Harmony
2.Ashley's Song
3.The Sea Bride
HM: Everybody.
Sorry guys. No gaf at work.
Strong concept and great execution. I quite like the way the idea of knowledge being the most terrible of weapons was conveyed. It's a little unbelievable that the most important girl in the world would manage to get so isolated and not be provided playmate/companions. And also that the smaller families wouldn't push back against the manufactured marriage of the two top dogs but I'm really searching for critiques here.
The Settlers
A challenge with sci fi was most brought home to me by a throwaway line in a Wing Commander novel of all things. "The thing about aliens is, they're alien". Truly alien intelligences should not be understandable by humans and so stories about them would not have any comprehensible motivations. To do otherwise is anthropomorphic.
That being said I think you guys really pulled off the incredibly difficult task of giving human emotions to both Pilgrim and its new friend. Great action as well which is never easy. It's too bad that their joint project of farming won't work as it depends on the tiny amount of water left in Pilgrim's tanks.
Aperture
The two sides of the story didn't quite come together for me and I'm not sure how the fantastical part related to the mundane world being invaded by the fantastic windows and the appearance of magic. The Potter references don't work for me either.
Both sides separately are wonderfully written though.
The Sea Bride
The setting is vividly and wonderfully described and the plight of the conflicted courtiers is as well. Loved how it's never *exactly* revealed who exactly the new bride is but there's more than enough clues left to the reader to figure it out very easily.
Have a hard time accepting that the power of the sea bride is vast enough to keep the entire military in check and the starving population from revolting though. It makes for an evocatively tragic and terrible ending though.
Minor note: I'm conflicted on the use of the term pursuviant? It's a fine word on one hand, on the other, I was confused whether it was referring to Pell or not for quite a bit.
Ashley's Song
The reveal of insanity was really well done here and the out of order timeline worked well. Maybe it went a little too far with the paparazzi though. Both in terms of gore and in terms of how much Ashley was able to get away with especially considering the manners of the death. Great ending scene though
Votes:
1.Harmony
2.Ashley's Song
3.The Sea Bride
HM: Everybody.
Sorry guys. No gaf at work.
Dandy Crocodile
Member
The Settlers - Red/Flowersisbritish: 16 (5)
The Sea Bride - Mike M/Cyan: 14 (2)
Ashley's Song - mu cephei/Dandy Crocodile: 10 (1)/Harmony's Discord - WhateverItTakes: 10 (1)
Aperture: 8 (1)
Overlook: 2
The Sea Bride - Mike M/Cyan: 14 (2)
Ashley's Song - mu cephei/Dandy Crocodile: 10 (1)/Harmony's Discord - WhateverItTakes: 10 (1)
Aperture: 8 (1)
Overlook: 2
Erm... you kind of took a first place vote from Ashes and me there... We have 8 points and you are tided with WhateverItTakes for third place...
Also congrats to Red Flowers! It seems that collaborating with our not British friends produces good stories.
Dandy Crocodile
Member
Dammit. This is why I tend to avoid math. Sorry!
My first win under this name maybe.
Flowers gets the most credit for this one. He pulled it all together on the last day.
Wait didn't he win with that Ship's log/diary story?
No problem, it happened to almost everyone so far
WhateverItTakes
Banned
Joint third, hell yes! Red Flowers were worthy winners, Settlers was fantastic.
As for my story, I was definitely a victim of poor planning, and the word limit. Had to cut out a longer beginning so I could round everything off at the end. My critical idea behind the story was 'What if Romeo and Juliet was a PR stunt?". Then I figured the child would want to rebel, but there wasn't really anything to rebel against, besides from the peace of the era. So I rolled with that. I actually think it's pretty interesting to think of a person who thrives in chaos, who's born in a world of order. What lengths would they take to find a place they belong?
I'm half tempted build this into something bigger but I've consistently lacked follow through on that front. Looking forward to the next thread!
As for my story, I was definitely a victim of poor planning, and the word limit. Had to cut out a longer beginning so I could round everything off at the end. My critical idea behind the story was 'What if Romeo and Juliet was a PR stunt?". Then I figured the child would want to rebel, but there wasn't really anything to rebel against, besides from the peace of the era. So I rolled with that. I actually think it's pretty interesting to think of a person who thrives in chaos, who's born in a world of order. What lengths would they take to find a place they belong?
I'm half tempted build this into something bigger but I've consistently lacked follow through on that front. Looking forward to the next thread!
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Hope you folks are ready for passive aggressiveness!
Eh, i come from a long line of conmen. You learn to be flexible.
Eh, i come from a long line of conmen. You learn to be flexible.
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